Recently I was talking with some friends who just had their first child a few months back and I was telling the husband how they don’t believe it now but their lives will change. He is one of these gadget guys who goes out and gets damn near every new electronic gadget just as soon as they come out. IPODs, HDTVs, Wii, BluRay, Playstation, X-Box, PSP, you name it. He has everything from the huge ass projector TV to the little bitty hand-held PSP that plays videos, the Iphone and so on. Don’t get me wrong, I love those kinds of things too, but I have kids. Which is what I was telling him, how those things will soon go by the way side. Well they may not go by the wayside but how the importance of them will.
I was telling him how I am just not going to drop tons of cash on an HDTV or Blu-Ray player right now for several reasons. One, the stuff that I let my kids watch don’t come in HD and if they did my kids wouldn’t know the difference or care. Two, I would probably pass out when one of my lovely children drew on my plasma TV screen with a marker or something like that. Three, my son is obsessed with putting crap into every free space that he can find. And four, right now, I would rather take the money that I could spend on a nice state of the art media set up and get the hell out of town for a while, sans youngens.
As our conversation continued I told him how the other day I had to fish some Ritz crackers out of a VCR (see reason three above) when he stopped me and said, “You still have a VCR?” To which I replied, “Dude, did you hear the fishing the Ritz crackers out part? That’s why I don’t have a Blu-Ray player right now. How pissed do you think I would be if I just dropped $700 on a Blu-Ray player (or what ever they cost) just for my son to see if it could play a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” So yeah, I am missing out on all of the joys of high definition right now but my kids are still breathing on their own and CPS hasn’t come to pay us a visit either, so that’s a good thing.
A few days after this conversation I went over to their house to find the husband sitting in the living room, right in front of his HD set up watching re-runs of “The Andy Griffith Show” on broadcast TV. Yeah, HD in black and white is killer!
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Inventions
Yesterday me and some of the fellas in the office where talking about inventions and whatnot. One of the guys said that most inventions where actually an accident and that the people where trying to invent something else. Like when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he was actually trying to make a hearing aid for his niece. As the conversation carried on I mention that scene from the movie “Cocktail” where they were talking about the guy who invented the little piece of plastic that goes on the end of your shoe strings and how that guy must be set. One of my co-workers and I came to the agreement that Plato is wrong, necessity isn’t the mother of invention laziness is. Think about it, would the car been invented if people didn’t get tired of walking or riding a horse everywhere? And with horses you had to either buy or catch them and then they might die on ya and you have to feed it and so on. F that! Same thing with the remote control, the cordless phone and so on. They were all invented because we got tired of having to get up and do something.
And then yesterday I get home and see an article on how some of most popular toys where created. According to this article, Play-Doh was originally created to clean walls. You would roll it on your walls to remove coal dust. And the slinky was invented by a naval engineer who was trying to invent a spring that would keep his instruments stable in choppy water.
So I got to thinking, what could I try to invent that would become a success or what could I invent by accident that could become a success? But two words kept popping into my head with every idea that I had, home explosion.
Back to the drawing board.
Don’t get dead
And then yesterday I get home and see an article on how some of most popular toys where created. According to this article, Play-Doh was originally created to clean walls. You would roll it on your walls to remove coal dust. And the slinky was invented by a naval engineer who was trying to invent a spring that would keep his instruments stable in choppy water.
So I got to thinking, what could I try to invent that would become a success or what could I invent by accident that could become a success? But two words kept popping into my head with every idea that I had, home explosion.
Back to the drawing board.
Don’t get dead
Saturday, March 28, 2009
ShamWow guy beats up hookers!
This may be the greatest thing that I have come across in a long time. The ShamWow guy, also know as Vince Shlomi, was arrested for smacking a ho around.
Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month for keeping his pimp hand strong in a South Beach hotel room.
Seems that he met Sasha Harris, a hooker, in a Miami night club and paid her a grand for some ass.
Two things kind of bother me about this. One is that ole Vinnie is on TV and has to get hookers to get his rocks off. And two, that he has a grand to blow on a whore.
You can check out the full story at thesmokinggun.com
Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month for keeping his pimp hand strong in a South Beach hotel room.
Seems that he met Sasha Harris, a hooker, in a Miami night club and paid her a grand for some ass.
Two things kind of bother me about this. One is that ole Vinnie is on TV and has to get hookers to get his rocks off. And two, that he has a grand to blow on a whore.
You can check out the full story at thesmokinggun.com
Friday, March 27, 2009
Adventures of the young and stupid
I have an older brother. For those of you who don’t have an older brother, that means that I had many, many roles growing up. I was a crash test dummy, test pilot, experimentalist, test subject and so on. In other words I was Jim and my brother was Marlin Perkins from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. Ever notice how Jim had to do the crap jobs while Marlin never got out of the helicopter? But I digress. In other words, I was Pinky while my brother was The Brain. In other words, it sucked!
Not only is Attila older than me, he is six years older than me. So yeah, my childhood contained a lot of ducking & weaving, scraps & bruises and a lot of psychological torture. To this day I still can’t sleep with my feet uncovered *shiver*. And this adventure would be more of the same.
When I was just a wee lad of only six years of age I had a hand-me-down Tonka truck, the big yellow dump truck. And it was made of steel, like toys used to be made, so that they lasted. Just like most young boys we made ramps to jump stuff with on our bikes. Any board we could find we would make into a ramp. On this particular day we had a piece of plywood that was maybe two and a half feet by two feet, not a very big piece of wood at all. This was soon to be a launching pad.
As my luck would have it, the only thing we could find to prop up said Evil Knievel approved projectile starter kit was a pair of concrete cinder blocks that just happened to be concreted together. So with the plywood laid on these cinder blocks the ramp is at about a 75 degree angle, nothing dangerous about that right?
Now we got the ramp, we just need something to jump it with. Remember earlier I was talking about a steel Tonka truck and I was talking about my brother being older and remember how I was talking about being the crash test dummy, you doing the math yet?
It was at an early age that I realized that my brother should have a career in politics. You see like every politician, my brother can lie with the best of them. He was pretty convincing this time. He says “hey, why don’t you sit in the bed of the dump truck and I will push you over the ramp.” Yeah, even at six I knew this was a bad idea. I told him that I didn’t want to do that. That’s what I told him, what I was thinking was why don’t you go F yourself! After a few minutes of discussing it, which went something like “do it or I’ll kick your ass and you BETTER not tell Mom”, I decided to give it a try. That is with the promise of he would just push me to the top of the ramp and if I didn’t like it he would not make me jump it. Yeah, I knew what was coming too.
So I go and sit in the bed of this big yellow death trap, staring at my fate. I get the truck lined up at the base of the ramp and say to my brother “Remember you said you would not make me do it if I don’t like it”. No sooner had the words “like it” come out of my mouth and ZOOM! Houston, we are clear for take off. In some sort of freak Herculean effort my 12 year old brother flung me up the ramp launching me skyward.
Right about this time I realized that we were under a pecan tree with low limbs. Mid-flight I am trying to get as low as I can will still gaining altitude, like an airborne limbo contest. One good crack on the head by a tree limb later and I am making my final decent.
Let me paint the picture for you. I was a normal sized 6 year-old and if you remember the bed of those Tonka trucks is about a foot wide. So I am sort of sitting across the bed of this truck, or should I say WAS sitting across the bed of it. When I slammed onto the ground the momentum that my body had decided to fill any space that was available in the bed of the truck, in other words I was stuck in this truck.
Oh yeah, he thought it was hi-freaking-larious. I on the other hand, failed to see the humor in it at the time. To this day he wonders why I don’t trust him. I can’t wait until we get old, payback is going to be hell.
Don’t get dead
Not only is Attila older than me, he is six years older than me. So yeah, my childhood contained a lot of ducking & weaving, scraps & bruises and a lot of psychological torture. To this day I still can’t sleep with my feet uncovered *shiver*. And this adventure would be more of the same.
When I was just a wee lad of only six years of age I had a hand-me-down Tonka truck, the big yellow dump truck. And it was made of steel, like toys used to be made, so that they lasted. Just like most young boys we made ramps to jump stuff with on our bikes. Any board we could find we would make into a ramp. On this particular day we had a piece of plywood that was maybe two and a half feet by two feet, not a very big piece of wood at all. This was soon to be a launching pad.
As my luck would have it, the only thing we could find to prop up said Evil Knievel approved projectile starter kit was a pair of concrete cinder blocks that just happened to be concreted together. So with the plywood laid on these cinder blocks the ramp is at about a 75 degree angle, nothing dangerous about that right?
Now we got the ramp, we just need something to jump it with. Remember earlier I was talking about a steel Tonka truck and I was talking about my brother being older and remember how I was talking about being the crash test dummy, you doing the math yet?
It was at an early age that I realized that my brother should have a career in politics. You see like every politician, my brother can lie with the best of them. He was pretty convincing this time. He says “hey, why don’t you sit in the bed of the dump truck and I will push you over the ramp.” Yeah, even at six I knew this was a bad idea. I told him that I didn’t want to do that. That’s what I told him, what I was thinking was why don’t you go F yourself! After a few minutes of discussing it, which went something like “do it or I’ll kick your ass and you BETTER not tell Mom”, I decided to give it a try. That is with the promise of he would just push me to the top of the ramp and if I didn’t like it he would not make me jump it. Yeah, I knew what was coming too.
So I go and sit in the bed of this big yellow death trap, staring at my fate. I get the truck lined up at the base of the ramp and say to my brother “Remember you said you would not make me do it if I don’t like it”. No sooner had the words “like it” come out of my mouth and ZOOM! Houston, we are clear for take off. In some sort of freak Herculean effort my 12 year old brother flung me up the ramp launching me skyward.
Right about this time I realized that we were under a pecan tree with low limbs. Mid-flight I am trying to get as low as I can will still gaining altitude, like an airborne limbo contest. One good crack on the head by a tree limb later and I am making my final decent.
Let me paint the picture for you. I was a normal sized 6 year-old and if you remember the bed of those Tonka trucks is about a foot wide. So I am sort of sitting across the bed of this truck, or should I say WAS sitting across the bed of it. When I slammed onto the ground the momentum that my body had decided to fill any space that was available in the bed of the truck, in other words I was stuck in this truck.
Oh yeah, he thought it was hi-freaking-larious. I on the other hand, failed to see the humor in it at the time. To this day he wonders why I don’t trust him. I can’t wait until we get old, payback is going to be hell.
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The microwave
A few months ago we bought a new microwave, nothing special but it is a nice microwave. It’s a sweet over the cook top one that really gets food good and hot. And it’s got all of these bells and whistles like multiple timers, a light, rotating glass plate thing and so on. But it’s got something that makes me want to beat it with a frying pan. It has this little reminder beep that goes off every so many seconds after you have finished heating up something. THAT NEVER FUCKING QUITS! That is until you either hit “end” or open the microwave door. I am sure that as far as extras on appliances go, this is highly sought after in some houses, just not mine.
So if I am heating up something to eat and say making a drink or getting something out of the pantry it keeps reminding me that you plate full of lip smacking goodness is waiting on me. It’s almost taunting me. Beep, your food is ready stupid. Beep, hey moron, forget about something!? Beep, I didn’t heat this up for nothing you know, come and get it. Beep, it’s ready stupid, you going to eat this or not?
I just don’t see a need for this luxury. It’s not like I am going to forget that I am hungry. I have been eating all of my life, and to be quiet frank about it, I am pretty good at it. And after all of these years not only do I recognize what hunger feels like, I have even figured out a remedy. To freaking eat something. And I may be going out on a limb here, but I can still smell and most foods have an odor to them. Pretty sure that I can figure out that smell that smells like last nights dinner might actually be hot food!
Are there people who are not aware that they are hungry and actually need an audible reminder? That would rule! South Beach could suck it! The “I Forgot to Eat” diet would kick the crap out of it.
So dear wonderful box of stainless still awesomeness please shut up before I stick some Teflon where it doesn’t belong.
Don’t get dead
So if I am heating up something to eat and say making a drink or getting something out of the pantry it keeps reminding me that you plate full of lip smacking goodness is waiting on me. It’s almost taunting me. Beep, your food is ready stupid. Beep, hey moron, forget about something!? Beep, I didn’t heat this up for nothing you know, come and get it. Beep, it’s ready stupid, you going to eat this or not?
I just don’t see a need for this luxury. It’s not like I am going to forget that I am hungry. I have been eating all of my life, and to be quiet frank about it, I am pretty good at it. And after all of these years not only do I recognize what hunger feels like, I have even figured out a remedy. To freaking eat something. And I may be going out on a limb here, but I can still smell and most foods have an odor to them. Pretty sure that I can figure out that smell that smells like last nights dinner might actually be hot food!
Are there people who are not aware that they are hungry and actually need an audible reminder? That would rule! South Beach could suck it! The “I Forgot to Eat” diet would kick the crap out of it.
So dear wonderful box of stainless still awesomeness please shut up before I stick some Teflon where it doesn’t belong.
Don’t get dead
Let me hear from you again
So I asked the other day if you could go back in time and witness an event what would it be, and I really liked the answers. So today’s question is similar but a little bit different.
If you could go back and change one historic event, what would that be? I know it’s very “Back to the Futrue”ish but so be it.
Obviously for me it would be to keep my mom from getting cancer, but I don’t know that would be seen as “historic” by everyone. Or I could take a different route and say I would like to make it so that I could win the lottery, be a movie star (hey porn counts as movies), or be in the history books/famous in some fashion. But what fun would that be? So in the effort of fairness I have a non-personal answer.
I think I would like to keep Kennedy from getting shot. I would be really interested to see how the country would be different had he not been assassinated. What would happen with our economy then, what about international relations, how would our military be different, would we even still be here?
So what about you guys? What historic event would you change?
Don’t get dead
If you could go back and change one historic event, what would that be? I know it’s very “Back to the Futrue”ish but so be it.
Obviously for me it would be to keep my mom from getting cancer, but I don’t know that would be seen as “historic” by everyone. Or I could take a different route and say I would like to make it so that I could win the lottery, be a movie star (hey porn counts as movies), or be in the history books/famous in some fashion. But what fun would that be? So in the effort of fairness I have a non-personal answer.
I think I would like to keep Kennedy from getting shot. I would be really interested to see how the country would be different had he not been assassinated. What would happen with our economy then, what about international relations, how would our military be different, would we even still be here?
So what about you guys? What historic event would you change?
Don’t get dead
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Dear Sweezey - Question about divorce, and kids
Dear Sweezey,
The courts seem to give custody of the kids to the woman most of the time, with the view, that they will be better suited with the mother.
If this is true, why do we have so many screwed up kids over the years?
I mean really, since divorce has become the norm in this country, along with mothers getting the kids, we sure have had alot of bad kids in this country.
- Decisions from the courts
Dear Decisions from the courts,
Ok numb nuts, the courts give custody to the parent who seems to be best suited to take care of the children on a daily basis. The reason the courts seem to side with the mother is because most of you dads are shit heads and aren’t man enough to take care of yourself much less dependent children. You see these children are, as you say, screwed up because of dildos like you. Why don’t you man up and be responsible for your actions? Woah, crazy thought huh. Yeah, why don’t you put away guitar hero and spend time with your children? It’s real easy to blame the mom when you are looking for a reason to blame on why your kids are shitheads as opposed to actually trying to do something about it. Yeah, F it, take the easy road. Isn’t that what your dad taught you?
I got $100 that says you got some guido over styled/gelled hair do and some oversized designer shades and a closet full of Armani Exchange t-shirts. Am I wrong? And after you get divorced I bet you will have an apartment in the coolest part of town, with your leased Mercedes in the parking lot. Once you conceive a child, the adult thing to do is to focus on doing everything in your power to take care of that child in every way possible, NOT to figure out a way to spend more time with your boys so that you don’t have to be bothered by being an adult. Moms aren’t men so they can’t always be both the female and the male role model is a child’s life. The children need to know that their dad is there and that he is worth a damn. If I was ever to get divorced, I would fight tooth and nail for my children and my wife is a great mom. And the mom doesn’t always get the children dipshit. I have a very good friend who has custody of his boys and he takes very good care of them. He even stepped up and is raising one of his ex-wife’s boys who isn’t his. Why? Because it’s what a real man does.
I suggest that you find a way to pull your head out, drop those losers that you hang out with and go find a real man to model yourself after. Go find out where your local cub scouts meet and try to make friends with the scout leader. Trust me EVERYONE will come out better in the long run.
Believe me it’s not the moms who are screwing up children it’s the dads. There are very few single mothers that I have even seen, much less known who have not busted their ass to do everything they can to raises their children the right way. And for the most part, they don’t say anything.
So quiet being a pussy boy and grow a pair.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
The courts seem to give custody of the kids to the woman most of the time, with the view, that they will be better suited with the mother.
If this is true, why do we have so many screwed up kids over the years?
I mean really, since divorce has become the norm in this country, along with mothers getting the kids, we sure have had alot of bad kids in this country.
- Decisions from the courts
Dear Decisions from the courts,
Ok numb nuts, the courts give custody to the parent who seems to be best suited to take care of the children on a daily basis. The reason the courts seem to side with the mother is because most of you dads are shit heads and aren’t man enough to take care of yourself much less dependent children. You see these children are, as you say, screwed up because of dildos like you. Why don’t you man up and be responsible for your actions? Woah, crazy thought huh. Yeah, why don’t you put away guitar hero and spend time with your children? It’s real easy to blame the mom when you are looking for a reason to blame on why your kids are shitheads as opposed to actually trying to do something about it. Yeah, F it, take the easy road. Isn’t that what your dad taught you?
I got $100 that says you got some guido over styled/gelled hair do and some oversized designer shades and a closet full of Armani Exchange t-shirts. Am I wrong? And after you get divorced I bet you will have an apartment in the coolest part of town, with your leased Mercedes in the parking lot. Once you conceive a child, the adult thing to do is to focus on doing everything in your power to take care of that child in every way possible, NOT to figure out a way to spend more time with your boys so that you don’t have to be bothered by being an adult. Moms aren’t men so they can’t always be both the female and the male role model is a child’s life. The children need to know that their dad is there and that he is worth a damn. If I was ever to get divorced, I would fight tooth and nail for my children and my wife is a great mom. And the mom doesn’t always get the children dipshit. I have a very good friend who has custody of his boys and he takes very good care of them. He even stepped up and is raising one of his ex-wife’s boys who isn’t his. Why? Because it’s what a real man does.
I suggest that you find a way to pull your head out, drop those losers that you hang out with and go find a real man to model yourself after. Go find out where your local cub scouts meet and try to make friends with the scout leader. Trust me EVERYONE will come out better in the long run.
Believe me it’s not the moms who are screwing up children it’s the dads. There are very few single mothers that I have even seen, much less known who have not busted their ass to do everything they can to raises their children the right way. And for the most part, they don’t say anything.
So quiet being a pussy boy and grow a pair.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Let me hear from you
One of my favorite things to do is to ask hypothetical questions just to see how people answer. It’s just something that I find interesting. So with that said, let me hear from you in regards to this question. Leave a comment and if you want you can do it anonymously.
The question for today is
If you could go back in time and witness one historic event in person, what would it be?
Feel free to elaborate on it if you want.
Don’t get dead
***Edit - There are so many to choose from. It would be sweet to be there when early man discovered fire or invented the wheel, or when Ben Franklin discovered electricity, or Paul Reveres famous ride, or possibly to watch the Write Bros first flight, Columbus landing in the new world for the first time, the Mayflower landing on Plymouth Rock, Washington crossing the Delaware, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, maybe to be there when man landed on the moon. Hell, I would like to see what it was like the first time a person ate an oyster.
The thing that I would like to go back in time for the most is to be there when my mom died so that I could talk to her one more time and tell her that I love her one more time.
And if that doesn’t count, I guess I would like to be there the first time someone light a fart, that would be hilarious!
The question for today is
If you could go back in time and witness one historic event in person, what would it be?
Feel free to elaborate on it if you want.
Don’t get dead
***Edit - There are so many to choose from. It would be sweet to be there when early man discovered fire or invented the wheel, or when Ben Franklin discovered electricity, or Paul Reveres famous ride, or possibly to watch the Write Bros first flight, Columbus landing in the new world for the first time, the Mayflower landing on Plymouth Rock, Washington crossing the Delaware, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, maybe to be there when man landed on the moon. Hell, I would like to see what it was like the first time a person ate an oyster.
The thing that I would like to go back in time for the most is to be there when my mom died so that I could talk to her one more time and tell her that I love her one more time.
And if that doesn’t count, I guess I would like to be there the first time someone light a fart, that would be hilarious!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Deep Thoughts
Have you ever wondered if your mom kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blow job?
Do you think that everyone who tries on a bathing suit really wears underwear when they try it on?
Sometimes I think that dogs are retarded for continuously wanting to smell asses.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them you will be a mile away and will have their shoes.
Have you ever wondered how your girlfriend got to be so good in bed?
Sometimes I think that I will go out and do random acts of kindness for my fellow man. Then I think fuck him, I got bills to pay.
There is always one weirdo on a bus, look around. If you can't find him, it's you.
Is anyone really fooled by calling “AA”, “Al Anon”?
I like to play a little game in my mind when I watch children play. It's called "Whose Going to be the Convict"
My grandfather once told me that the difference between a good man and a great man is a couple of consonants and a couple of vowels, but he was batshit crazy so what does he know.
If you play country music backwards do you get the wife, dog and farm back?
Is beauty still in the eye if the beholder is blind?
Do cannibals think that clowns taste funny?
Don’t get dead
Do you think that everyone who tries on a bathing suit really wears underwear when they try it on?
Sometimes I think that dogs are retarded for continuously wanting to smell asses.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them you will be a mile away and will have their shoes.
Have you ever wondered how your girlfriend got to be so good in bed?
Sometimes I think that I will go out and do random acts of kindness for my fellow man. Then I think fuck him, I got bills to pay.
There is always one weirdo on a bus, look around. If you can't find him, it's you.
Is anyone really fooled by calling “AA”, “Al Anon”?
I like to play a little game in my mind when I watch children play. It's called "Whose Going to be the Convict"
My grandfather once told me that the difference between a good man and a great man is a couple of consonants and a couple of vowels, but he was batshit crazy so what does he know.
If you play country music backwards do you get the wife, dog and farm back?
Is beauty still in the eye if the beholder is blind?
Do cannibals think that clowns taste funny?
Don’t get dead
86 Rules of boozing
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Dear Sweezey - Why chivalry is dead
Dear Sweezey,
So this woman in a store is frantic because she lost her billfold, so I went to find the manger while she continued to look around. It had been turned in up front and I pointed her out to the manager. No big deal. I only took a moment out of my day to do the right thing and without me she would have gotten it back anyway. But then she brushed right past me without a word, then later nearly ran me over in the parking lot. So she was in a hurry. Aren't we all? I have no sense of entitlement, but geeze, not even a thank you. The luxury sports car with vanity plates and the fact that her ass is as wide as my kitchen table may be an indication of what she is, hmm?
- Paula
Dear Paula,
Chivalry is defined as the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
And you say that you “have no sense of entitlement”. Entitlement is defined as the act of entitling. To save you some time, entitling means to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim.
Now you claim that you have no sense of entitlement yet you felt compelled to write and bitch about some other dame not bowing down to kiss your ass when even you yourself said that she would have gotten her billfold back anyway. And then you go on to belittle this woman. What a bitch.
Even think that maybe she was “frantic” because she had been looking for her billfold for so long that it made her late to pick up her 9 year old son from soccer practice and that there would be no one there to stay with her son and that the little boy and that there was a child molesting maniac who likes to hang out by the soccer fields? Yeah, how dare she want to keep that poor 9 year old little boy safe and sound instead of bending over backwards to tell you what a fantastic person you are for doing next to nothing.
So tell me what does a luxury sports car, vanity plates and as you say an ass as wide as your kitchen table indicate? It sounds to me like it indicates that she has some money. Is that what pisses you off? That her life is good and that yours sucks and that you are pissed off because of all of the bad choices you have and continue to make? Since I am a gambling man, I am willing to bet that she is MUCH more attractive than you are and that is the reason that you feel the need to lash out and the only think you can, her ass. And I will double up my bet that the only person who thinks that she almost ran you over in the parking lot is you.
You need meds, seriously, you know happy pills.
So if chivalry is dead you are an accomplice to murder.
- Sweezey
Email for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
So this woman in a store is frantic because she lost her billfold, so I went to find the manger while she continued to look around. It had been turned in up front and I pointed her out to the manager. No big deal. I only took a moment out of my day to do the right thing and without me she would have gotten it back anyway. But then she brushed right past me without a word, then later nearly ran me over in the parking lot. So she was in a hurry. Aren't we all? I have no sense of entitlement, but geeze, not even a thank you. The luxury sports car with vanity plates and the fact that her ass is as wide as my kitchen table may be an indication of what she is, hmm?
- Paula
Dear Paula,
Chivalry is defined as the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
And you say that you “have no sense of entitlement”. Entitlement is defined as the act of entitling. To save you some time, entitling means to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim.
Now you claim that you have no sense of entitlement yet you felt compelled to write and bitch about some other dame not bowing down to kiss your ass when even you yourself said that she would have gotten her billfold back anyway. And then you go on to belittle this woman. What a bitch.
Even think that maybe she was “frantic” because she had been looking for her billfold for so long that it made her late to pick up her 9 year old son from soccer practice and that there would be no one there to stay with her son and that the little boy and that there was a child molesting maniac who likes to hang out by the soccer fields? Yeah, how dare she want to keep that poor 9 year old little boy safe and sound instead of bending over backwards to tell you what a fantastic person you are for doing next to nothing.
So tell me what does a luxury sports car, vanity plates and as you say an ass as wide as your kitchen table indicate? It sounds to me like it indicates that she has some money. Is that what pisses you off? That her life is good and that yours sucks and that you are pissed off because of all of the bad choices you have and continue to make? Since I am a gambling man, I am willing to bet that she is MUCH more attractive than you are and that is the reason that you feel the need to lash out and the only think you can, her ass. And I will double up my bet that the only person who thinks that she almost ran you over in the parking lot is you.
You need meds, seriously, you know happy pills.
So if chivalry is dead you are an accomplice to murder.
- Sweezey
Email for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Dear Sweezey Prostitution/Dating
Dear Sweezey,
I see a Women I think she is sexy,attractive etc: as a single man I ask her out knowing I want to have Sex with her 7 she knows she wants the same. So we go to dinner,movies etc: I might spend hundreds of dollars before we have sex & I might not all women are different in that way but they to want the sex...............................I see a Pic & info on a web site of a attractive sexy women up front I know for $100 I can have sex immediatly is there really that much difference ...........between the women I have to spend money on or the women I just give it to! Just a thought??
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The difference is that the hookers you are looking at online will do anyone or anything with the cash. And the girls who you take to dinner and so on won’t have sex with a illiterate moron like yourself in fear that one of your retarded super sperm actually reaching their egg.
I hope that they talk you into taking them to the best places in town and that they are some how able to keep stringing you along long enough to spend every penny you have on them.
Maybe if you took the time and effort that you are spending on trying to get laid and focused it on making a better person out of yourself your luck might change. Apparently you are not graced with rugged good lucks or personality, at all, in the very least.
Try letting the big head do the thinking for a while, we got more than enough idiots in this world already.
- Sweezey
Email me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
I see a Women I think she is sexy,attractive etc: as a single man I ask her out knowing I want to have Sex with her 7 she knows she wants the same. So we go to dinner,movies etc: I might spend hundreds of dollars before we have sex & I might not all women are different in that way but they to want the sex...............................I see a Pic & info on a web site of a attractive sexy women up front I know for $100 I can have sex immediatly is there really that much difference ...........between the women I have to spend money on or the women I just give it to! Just a thought??
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The difference is that the hookers you are looking at online will do anyone or anything with the cash. And the girls who you take to dinner and so on won’t have sex with a illiterate moron like yourself in fear that one of your retarded super sperm actually reaching their egg.
I hope that they talk you into taking them to the best places in town and that they are some how able to keep stringing you along long enough to spend every penny you have on them.
Maybe if you took the time and effort that you are spending on trying to get laid and focused it on making a better person out of yourself your luck might change. Apparently you are not graced with rugged good lucks or personality, at all, in the very least.
Try letting the big head do the thinking for a while, we got more than enough idiots in this world already.
- Sweezey
Email me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Even more things that I wonder about
• Do you think that John Wayne Bobbit goes around half cocked?
• Do rabbits dream about being chased by dogs?
• Why don’t the women on the reality TV show “Survivor” ever have hairy arm pits or legs when they are supposed to be stranded on this island for weeks at a time?
• Why don’t buses have seat belts?
• Is there such a thing as slow sand?
• If clouds are moisture and moisture is water and if air is lighter than water, how do clouds stay up in the sky?
• Do muu muus come in different sizes, and if so why?
• Shouldn’t a tooth brush be called a teeth brush?
• If heat rises, why are the upper atmospheres cold?
• Why is there no extra medium size?
• If you can be both overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
• If baseball is the great American pastime, what is the lesser American pastime.
• A stitch in time saves nine what?
• Why are flowers so hard to keep alive and weeds so hard to kill? Wouldn’t it be easier if it was the other way around?
Don’t get dead
• Do rabbits dream about being chased by dogs?
• Why don’t the women on the reality TV show “Survivor” ever have hairy arm pits or legs when they are supposed to be stranded on this island for weeks at a time?
• Why don’t buses have seat belts?
• Is there such a thing as slow sand?
• If clouds are moisture and moisture is water and if air is lighter than water, how do clouds stay up in the sky?
• Do muu muus come in different sizes, and if so why?
• Shouldn’t a tooth brush be called a teeth brush?
• If heat rises, why are the upper atmospheres cold?
• Why is there no extra medium size?
• If you can be both overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
• If baseball is the great American pastime, what is the lesser American pastime.
• A stitch in time saves nine what?
• Why are flowers so hard to keep alive and weeds so hard to kill? Wouldn’t it be easier if it was the other way around?
Don’t get dead
Sunday, March 08, 2009
To set the record straight
Women, this is for you. And while I can appreciate and admire confidence in a woman, just because you squatted out a kid does NOT instantly make you a milf. I have seen blogs where women consider themselves to be hot and call themselves milfs. While some one dude will F you, don’t mean that most men would. Just means that you found someone more hard up for sex than you.
So while “technically” you could be considered a milf by one dude, don’t go out and sell yourself as one. You are making yourself look idiotic and ruining the good reputation of the true milf.
Same thing for you old chicks who think you are a cougar. If you don’t have a large number of average or above looking guys (societies standards on looks, not yours) hitting you on, you are not a milf or a cougar or whatever.
And to touch base on something that I wrote about a while back, low cut tops aren’t for everyone. If you got big boobs, that’s great. But if your boobs get caught in your belt, I don’t want to see them. I damn sure don’t want to see them if they have stretch marks on them. Just remember that some of us may have just eaten.
While we are on the low cut tops thing, if you do wear a low cut top you damn sure better not get pissed if you catch some dude looking at your boobs. If he was there with his dork out he would expect you to look. And you didn’t wear that shirt so that you wouldn’t get seen. We both know that you wore it on purpose, ease up and let them look.
Now if you do have a nice body and want to show it off that’s great. But if you had any sort of surgery to get said body (which I got no problem with at all!!) don’t give health/food advice to anyone. Pot meet kettle if you know where I am coming from.
Again, love confidence hate ignorance. Learn the difference.
Oh and if you are fat, work with what you got. I know that “fashion experts” say that black makes you look slimmer but it does not make you look slim. There is only so much that a color can do for you. If you are a big girl and you dress in all black all the time you don’t look slim, you look like night time.
Don’t get dead
So while “technically” you could be considered a milf by one dude, don’t go out and sell yourself as one. You are making yourself look idiotic and ruining the good reputation of the true milf.
Same thing for you old chicks who think you are a cougar. If you don’t have a large number of average or above looking guys (societies standards on looks, not yours) hitting you on, you are not a milf or a cougar or whatever.
And to touch base on something that I wrote about a while back, low cut tops aren’t for everyone. If you got big boobs, that’s great. But if your boobs get caught in your belt, I don’t want to see them. I damn sure don’t want to see them if they have stretch marks on them. Just remember that some of us may have just eaten.
While we are on the low cut tops thing, if you do wear a low cut top you damn sure better not get pissed if you catch some dude looking at your boobs. If he was there with his dork out he would expect you to look. And you didn’t wear that shirt so that you wouldn’t get seen. We both know that you wore it on purpose, ease up and let them look.
Now if you do have a nice body and want to show it off that’s great. But if you had any sort of surgery to get said body (which I got no problem with at all!!) don’t give health/food advice to anyone. Pot meet kettle if you know where I am coming from.
Again, love confidence hate ignorance. Learn the difference.
Oh and if you are fat, work with what you got. I know that “fashion experts” say that black makes you look slimmer but it does not make you look slim. There is only so much that a color can do for you. If you are a big girl and you dress in all black all the time you don’t look slim, you look like night time.
Don’t get dead
Friday, March 06, 2009
Missed the mark on this one
Just like everyone else we are trying to save money where we can. So we decided to try these energy efficient light bulbs in our house where we had a couple of burned out bulbs. You know the lights that I am talking about, they have the little, white, squiggly tube in them, in our case it was incased in a flood light casing.
The idea behind them is that they use less electricity, pretty simple concept to follow. But what they don’t tell you about is how they take forever to light up. I know it’s a crazy idea but I really have gotten used to being able to flip a switch and the light actually coming on.
So the savings in per hour that these bulbs are going to save me is really costing me more money because instead of being able to flip on the lights in my kitchen, look in the pantry and find what I want, I have to flip on the lights switch and then come back in an hour when there is actually light. Let’s see, save 3 cents an hour on these ridiculously high priced light bulbs but have it actually have to be on for an hour to be able to see OR flip a switch get what I need and go at 3 cents more per hour.
So I pay more for the light bulbs and have to have them on longer so that I can actually see? Screw the environment, it is about to put me in the poor house!
Oh and this is my 300th post, go me!
Don’t get dead
The idea behind them is that they use less electricity, pretty simple concept to follow. But what they don’t tell you about is how they take forever to light up. I know it’s a crazy idea but I really have gotten used to being able to flip a switch and the light actually coming on.
So the savings in per hour that these bulbs are going to save me is really costing me more money because instead of being able to flip on the lights in my kitchen, look in the pantry and find what I want, I have to flip on the lights switch and then come back in an hour when there is actually light. Let’s see, save 3 cents an hour on these ridiculously high priced light bulbs but have it actually have to be on for an hour to be able to see OR flip a switch get what I need and go at 3 cents more per hour.
So I pay more for the light bulbs and have to have them on longer so that I can actually see? Screw the environment, it is about to put me in the poor house!
Oh and this is my 300th post, go me!
Don’t get dead
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Milk bath
A woman is talking to some of her girlfriends when she ask one of them how she gets her skin so soft, the friend says that once a week she takes a bath in milk.
Figuring what did she have to lose the woman leaves a note for the milkman that she needs 15 gallons of milk the next day. Thinking that she meant 1.5 gallons the milkman leaves her a gallon and a half.
The next day the lady sees the gallon and a half and decides to tell the milkman what she wants so that there are no misunderstandings.
When she sees the milk man coming down the street she goes out to speak with him. As he is approaching her door she asks him, "hey, what happened, I left you a note that says I wanted 15 gallons of milk and you left me a gallon and a half?" The milkman explains that he misunderstood and says that he will make sure that she gets 15 gallons the next day. But then ask the lady why does she need so much milk. The lady tells him that she wants to bath in it. So the milkman asks, "Do you want it pasteurised?" to which the lady replied "Nah, just up to the top of my boobs"
Don't get dead
Figuring what did she have to lose the woman leaves a note for the milkman that she needs 15 gallons of milk the next day. Thinking that she meant 1.5 gallons the milkman leaves her a gallon and a half.
The next day the lady sees the gallon and a half and decides to tell the milkman what she wants so that there are no misunderstandings.
When she sees the milk man coming down the street she goes out to speak with him. As he is approaching her door she asks him, "hey, what happened, I left you a note that says I wanted 15 gallons of milk and you left me a gallon and a half?" The milkman explains that he misunderstood and says that he will make sure that she gets 15 gallons the next day. But then ask the lady why does she need so much milk. The lady tells him that she wants to bath in it. So the milkman asks, "Do you want it pasteurised?" to which the lady replied "Nah, just up to the top of my boobs"
Don't get dead
Dear Sweezey - My standards must be SO high
Dear Sweezey,
Maybe tabloid media has skewed my reality, but some of these guys who think they are hot... just aren't. I can't believe some of you. Granted I see no problem with a couple extra pounds from too many nights out with the fellas drinking beer, but anything more than 10-15 pounds overweight there is just no excuse for unless it's something glandular.
I know I'm gonna get a lot of hate responses to this but seriously fellas... Put some effort into your appearance, get to the gym a couple days a week, actually look to see if the clothes you put on your back look well put-together or not, do something with your hair, & maintain good hygiene PLEASE!
Some of you look like you haven't done anything in weeks but play Halo and mainline big macs, yet you expect women who are attractive and take care of themselves to wanna hit it? Think again, Pal!
If you want a female that is on my level looks-wise, then you gotta be on my level looks wise too.
And spare me the reply rants of how narcissistic I am to judge based on looks. I don't think it's too much to ask with all the people in the world out there that a guy I take interest in be both stellar looks wise and personality wise.
- Seriously
Dear Thinks Entirely Way Too Much of Herself, I mean Seriously,
First off, you’re an idiot. Why did you e-mail me? Nowhere in your diatribe of bitterness did you ask for advice on anything. Is it that you just want to bitch because you are so unhappy with yourself and your life?
You lost all credibility when you said “tabloid media”. You Britney Spears loving, sweating what Paris Hilton is doing, Lindsey Lohan following twit I noticed that you failed to include a photo of yourself so that the world could be enlightened with by your beauty. I got a feeling that you look like what a vulture threw up.
So you are ok with 10 - 15 pounds? Why not 16 pounds? For some reason that’s just gross? How many extra tons are you hauling around in those Venezia jeans? Did you set 10 - 15 pounds as an acceptable amount because you have convinced yourself that you can get down to 10 - 15 pounds overweight with no problems?
Moving on, when you are not busy butchering modern grammar and English using words like “wanna” and “gotta” as opposed to “want to” and “got to” what are you doing to know what guys who play Halo and mainline Big Macs look like? Ever hear the phrase that you can smell your own kind? *sniff sniff*
The funny thing is you come off as wanting a man who is so built and handsome and perfect in everyway. But we all know that you would be on your knees polishing the most grotesquely fat/ugly man’s knob if he had enough in the bank. And you would do it with a big smile on your face. And you would go from being a bitch to being a whore, either way it suits you.
You see the guys who are hitting on you are on your level, but it’s your social level. So if you want guys who are on your levels looks-wise as you say, why don’t you move up levels tact-wise? Trust me you have lots of room for movement. A little decorum goes a long way.
Oh and I don’t think that you are narcissistic, I think that you are a dumb ass. Remember, bitch only comes in one flavor and it’s you. Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Maybe tabloid media has skewed my reality, but some of these guys who think they are hot... just aren't. I can't believe some of you. Granted I see no problem with a couple extra pounds from too many nights out with the fellas drinking beer, but anything more than 10-15 pounds overweight there is just no excuse for unless it's something glandular.
I know I'm gonna get a lot of hate responses to this but seriously fellas... Put some effort into your appearance, get to the gym a couple days a week, actually look to see if the clothes you put on your back look well put-together or not, do something with your hair, & maintain good hygiene PLEASE!
Some of you look like you haven't done anything in weeks but play Halo and mainline big macs, yet you expect women who are attractive and take care of themselves to wanna hit it? Think again, Pal!
If you want a female that is on my level looks-wise, then you gotta be on my level looks wise too.
And spare me the reply rants of how narcissistic I am to judge based on looks. I don't think it's too much to ask with all the people in the world out there that a guy I take interest in be both stellar looks wise and personality wise.
- Seriously
Dear Thinks Entirely Way Too Much of Herself, I mean Seriously,
First off, you’re an idiot. Why did you e-mail me? Nowhere in your diatribe of bitterness did you ask for advice on anything. Is it that you just want to bitch because you are so unhappy with yourself and your life?
You lost all credibility when you said “tabloid media”. You Britney Spears loving, sweating what Paris Hilton is doing, Lindsey Lohan following twit I noticed that you failed to include a photo of yourself so that the world could be enlightened with by your beauty. I got a feeling that you look like what a vulture threw up.
So you are ok with 10 - 15 pounds? Why not 16 pounds? For some reason that’s just gross? How many extra tons are you hauling around in those Venezia jeans? Did you set 10 - 15 pounds as an acceptable amount because you have convinced yourself that you can get down to 10 - 15 pounds overweight with no problems?
Moving on, when you are not busy butchering modern grammar and English using words like “wanna” and “gotta” as opposed to “want to” and “got to” what are you doing to know what guys who play Halo and mainline Big Macs look like? Ever hear the phrase that you can smell your own kind? *sniff sniff*
The funny thing is you come off as wanting a man who is so built and handsome and perfect in everyway. But we all know that you would be on your knees polishing the most grotesquely fat/ugly man’s knob if he had enough in the bank. And you would do it with a big smile on your face. And you would go from being a bitch to being a whore, either way it suits you.
You see the guys who are hitting on you are on your level, but it’s your social level. So if you want guys who are on your levels looks-wise as you say, why don’t you move up levels tact-wise? Trust me you have lots of room for movement. A little decorum goes a long way.
Oh and I don’t think that you are narcissistic, I think that you are a dumb ass. Remember, bitch only comes in one flavor and it’s you. Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Dear Sweezey - I want to sell my kidneys!!!!
Dear Sweezey,
I want to sell my kidneys. Can I get money for one of my kidneys?
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I’ll give you a dollar for one or $20 for the set, but only if you take them out yourself.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweeezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
I want to sell my kidneys. Can I get money for one of my kidneys?
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I’ll give you a dollar for one or $20 for the set, but only if you take them out yourself.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweeezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Monday, March 02, 2009
Dear Sweezey - hmmmm..
Dear Sweezey,
How is it that you can give a 16 paragraph dissertation on Dora the Explorer and a 2 sentence answer to the poor "porn" girl.....?
Just Curious!
Dear Just Curious!
There are many many reasons. You see "porn" girl never really asked me a question so I was trying to help her out as best I could with the limited information that I had. How was I to give specific answers to a general statement? I would have to examine every single piece of it. Might even have to bring some of it back to examine it more closely, it is my reputation that is on the line here.
And to really help, I would have to better know what he was looking at. I mean she did say that she was pretty, I have to verify this. What if she is oblivious to the fact that she looks like hell on toast? That would explain it all right there. Or what if he was looking at shit like midgets? That would mean that he is a freaky little fucker and she's not weird enough for him. You see it could be something on either side of the relationship. She might look like a troll’s turd or he might really be into some fetish stuff. Who knows?
Oh and even if you count the "Don't get dead" tag line as a paragraph it's only a 13 paragraph dissertation smart ass. Learn to count. But keep those e-mails coming!
- Sweezey
Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.
Don't get dead
How is it that you can give a 16 paragraph dissertation on Dora the Explorer and a 2 sentence answer to the poor "porn" girl.....?
Just Curious!
Dear Just Curious!
There are many many reasons. You see "porn" girl never really asked me a question so I was trying to help her out as best I could with the limited information that I had. How was I to give specific answers to a general statement? I would have to examine every single piece of it. Might even have to bring some of it back to examine it more closely, it is my reputation that is on the line here.
And to really help, I would have to better know what he was looking at. I mean she did say that she was pretty, I have to verify this. What if she is oblivious to the fact that she looks like hell on toast? That would explain it all right there. Or what if he was looking at shit like midgets? That would mean that he is a freaky little fucker and she's not weird enough for him. You see it could be something on either side of the relationship. She might look like a troll’s turd or he might really be into some fetish stuff. Who knows?
Oh and even if you count the "Don't get dead" tag line as a paragraph it's only a 13 paragraph dissertation smart ass. Learn to count. But keep those e-mails coming!
- Sweezey
Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.
Don't get dead
It is all our fault and apparently nobody is immune.
My wife’s car has one of those rear entertainment centers. We thought it would be nice to have since when we bought it we knew we would take it on family trips and the bulk of the driving with the kids.
After a while the kids got used to the DVDs we had in the car and if they were good we told them that we would get them a new DVD. They really thought they were top dogs when they got a new DVD, so we started to use that as a reward system. Then one day I was noticing that the kids would laugh during the DVD when it sounded like nothing was happening. Then it hit me, we never actually watched the DVDs. For all we knew it could be some of the most graphic and vulgar things known to man as the video with a nice kids show audio track and we would not have known the difference.
So I have decided that maybe I should start to pay a little more attention to the things my kids watch, and most definitely the programming that I put on for them.
Take tonight for example. I was doing some work while my children where up in the play room and they where watching the ever popular kids show “Dora the Explorer”. I thought to myself “this is this is on Noggin, it’s part of the Nickelodeon family of channels, it’s got to be safe”, but I was wrong. It was filled with all kinds of insane things that seemed cute and maybe even harmless on the surface.
For those of you who don’t know, Dora is this little Hispanic girl with a football shaped head. And that’s about the most sane thing about this show. Dora has a talking monkey that wears shoes as her friend. In the episode tonight, Dora was talking with her grandmother and her grandmother was telling her about making some chocolate treat. And she told Dora that the chocolate grew on a tree and that this tree was her friend and that the tree gave her hugs when she was sad. WTF?!?! And this tree sings with her, yeah the tree sings.
So Dora decides that she is going to go find said singing tree, but she has to check her map to find out how to get there. But for some reason she can’t check the map, you have to check the map and tell her how to get there. Oh and the map talks. Anyone else think that the creators of this show are constantly on an acid trip? Well the map says that to get to this magical chocolate tree that you need to go through the jungle and then to a cave. Say what?!?!
While un-chaperoned laces out and her talking monkey are in the jungle she comes up to a toucan who tells her that there are snapping turtles, snakes and a crocodile in the jungle and that these animals wont let her pass unless she feeds them cookies. Let’s think about this shall we, teaching kids to hand feed wild and dangerous animals. Yeah, I can see why this show is wildly popular.
So maybe feeding turtles isn’t a big deal. And the snakes, while not a bright idea still could be done with some distance and you might be safe. But a fucking crocodile!! Come on.
Then after jungle it’s off to the cave, but not just any cave, oh no no no, it’s a fucking bear cave. Sure, let’s teach our children to go to bear caves. Makes perfect sense to me! The monkey asked what happens if they meet the bear and Dora advised him that they “would have to be very careful”, ya think? Then the monkey and ole football head meet up with a talking iguana, sure it happens all the time. But the iguana tells them that they just have to sing to the bear to put it to sleep. I know that is what they tell you to do in wilderness survival school, to sing and to do so loudly! You know, draw lots of attention to yourself. And they where wondering where the bear was when they got to its cave, almost like they were disappointed because the bear wasn’t there. Of course the bear comes while they are at the cave and they sing it to sleep… yeah.
One of the other episodes had a water skiing bull. In the same show the talking map sent extra point head along with the pronouncing primate to “Pirate Island” where they had to sing and dance for trees so that the trees would let them by. Who sends a kid, even with a monkey to any place called “Pirate Island”?
Oh and don’t forget about the talking backpack and the stealing (and talking, apparently everything talks in this show) fox.
No wonder that the younger generations are fucking stupid. Look at what is (was in our case) entertaining them. Just remember that these are the people who are going to be taking care of us when we get old. You know, WE ARE SCREWED!
Don’t get dead
After a while the kids got used to the DVDs we had in the car and if they were good we told them that we would get them a new DVD. They really thought they were top dogs when they got a new DVD, so we started to use that as a reward system. Then one day I was noticing that the kids would laugh during the DVD when it sounded like nothing was happening. Then it hit me, we never actually watched the DVDs. For all we knew it could be some of the most graphic and vulgar things known to man as the video with a nice kids show audio track and we would not have known the difference.
So I have decided that maybe I should start to pay a little more attention to the things my kids watch, and most definitely the programming that I put on for them.
Take tonight for example. I was doing some work while my children where up in the play room and they where watching the ever popular kids show “Dora the Explorer”. I thought to myself “this is this is on Noggin, it’s part of the Nickelodeon family of channels, it’s got to be safe”, but I was wrong. It was filled with all kinds of insane things that seemed cute and maybe even harmless on the surface.
For those of you who don’t know, Dora is this little Hispanic girl with a football shaped head. And that’s about the most sane thing about this show. Dora has a talking monkey that wears shoes as her friend. In the episode tonight, Dora was talking with her grandmother and her grandmother was telling her about making some chocolate treat. And she told Dora that the chocolate grew on a tree and that this tree was her friend and that the tree gave her hugs when she was sad. WTF?!?! And this tree sings with her, yeah the tree sings.
So Dora decides that she is going to go find said singing tree, but she has to check her map to find out how to get there. But for some reason she can’t check the map, you have to check the map and tell her how to get there. Oh and the map talks. Anyone else think that the creators of this show are constantly on an acid trip? Well the map says that to get to this magical chocolate tree that you need to go through the jungle and then to a cave. Say what?!?!
While un-chaperoned laces out and her talking monkey are in the jungle she comes up to a toucan who tells her that there are snapping turtles, snakes and a crocodile in the jungle and that these animals wont let her pass unless she feeds them cookies. Let’s think about this shall we, teaching kids to hand feed wild and dangerous animals. Yeah, I can see why this show is wildly popular.
So maybe feeding turtles isn’t a big deal. And the snakes, while not a bright idea still could be done with some distance and you might be safe. But a fucking crocodile!! Come on.
Then after jungle it’s off to the cave, but not just any cave, oh no no no, it’s a fucking bear cave. Sure, let’s teach our children to go to bear caves. Makes perfect sense to me! The monkey asked what happens if they meet the bear and Dora advised him that they “would have to be very careful”, ya think? Then the monkey and ole football head meet up with a talking iguana, sure it happens all the time. But the iguana tells them that they just have to sing to the bear to put it to sleep. I know that is what they tell you to do in wilderness survival school, to sing and to do so loudly! You know, draw lots of attention to yourself. And they where wondering where the bear was when they got to its cave, almost like they were disappointed because the bear wasn’t there. Of course the bear comes while they are at the cave and they sing it to sleep… yeah.
One of the other episodes had a water skiing bull. In the same show the talking map sent extra point head along with the pronouncing primate to “Pirate Island” where they had to sing and dance for trees so that the trees would let them by. Who sends a kid, even with a monkey to any place called “Pirate Island”?
Oh and don’t forget about the talking backpack and the stealing (and talking, apparently everything talks in this show) fox.
No wonder that the younger generations are fucking stupid. Look at what is (was in our case) entertaining them. Just remember that these are the people who are going to be taking care of us when we get old. You know, WE ARE SCREWED!
Don’t get dead
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Dear Sweezey - Porn
Dear Sweezey,
my boyfriend of 4 years gets high and spends several hours a week looking at nude pics of women and porn...and he has a massive collection of pics and videos from the internet...i'm a pretty woman and we have a great sex life... it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like i can never measure up.
curious cindy
Dear Curious Cindy,
You say he has a massive collection huh... hmm, not sure that I can help without examining his collection. I may have to come over and examine it to be able to properly advise you.
- Sweezey
Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.
Don't get dead
my boyfriend of 4 years gets high and spends several hours a week looking at nude pics of women and porn...and he has a massive collection of pics and videos from the internet...i'm a pretty woman and we have a great sex life... it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like i can never measure up.
curious cindy
Dear Curious Cindy,
You say he has a massive collection huh... hmm, not sure that I can help without examining his collection. I may have to come over and examine it to be able to properly advise you.
- Sweezey
Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.
Don't get dead
Friday, February 27, 2009
Dear Sweezey - No Loving
Dear Sweezey,
My wife of 20 years tells me she no longer has any interest in sex, but that she will "do it" occasionally to meet my needs.
Before that, sex has gone from several times a week to about once a month... not my choice, but daily headaches, backaches, just b4 bed arguments, etc., are becoming the norm
What am I to do with this new information???
- Lost Love
Dear Lost Love,
You said it all when you said you’re married. Deal with it bro.
And you are a grown man, stop this b4 bullshit. Spell it out. Come on, you can do it!
- Sweezey
Don't get dead
My wife of 20 years tells me she no longer has any interest in sex, but that she will "do it" occasionally to meet my needs.
Before that, sex has gone from several times a week to about once a month... not my choice, but daily headaches, backaches, just b4 bed arguments, etc., are becoming the norm
What am I to do with this new information???
- Lost Love
Dear Lost Love,
You said it all when you said you’re married. Deal with it bro.
And you are a grown man, stop this b4 bullshit. Spell it out. Come on, you can do it!
- Sweezey
Don't get dead
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Looking Back - Chapter 16
Before I get into this blog, I want everyone to understand that I have a VERY big soft spot in my heart for the handicapped, senior citizens, children and animals. I am by no way making fun of any of them, just telling a story that happened to me and making fun of myself.
As I may or may not have mentioned in the past, I have had a variety of jobs when I was younger. Dish washer, utility worker, lawn maintenance, peanut mill production line worker, banker, candle stick maker, Indian chief and so on.
One of those jobs that I had was a fill-in driver for a food service company, meals on wheels if you will. Most of our clients were senior citizen centers. Places where the able bodied senior members of society would gather Monday thru Friday. Usually they would play bingo and stuff like that. But in an effort to keep our business profitable we also took clients for day care centers & mental health facilities.
One this particular day I was working with a co-worker named Hector. Hector was teaching me the route, who gets what, how to load the truck in the order of the stops and so on. I liked Hector, he was cool, he had a great personality, liked jazz and loved women. We got a long well.
During the route Hector told me that we had a new client and that he was going to show me how to do an initial set up. When we get there I can see that it’s not a senior citizen center and I could see kids walking around, so I thought it was a day care. I was wrong.
Hector parks the truck and tells me to start unloading the stuff and that he was going to go in and find out where everything went and he would come back and get me. So I get everything off the truck and loaded onto a dolly. One thing that I didn’t mention is that it was August, which meant that it was as hot and muggy as Satan’s balls. After a couple of minutes I thought to myself, “screw this” and wheeled the stuff inside. Now I am standing in the very nice and cool air conditioned foyer of this school when I see this kid sitting on the floor and he starts to row a boat across the floor, but he isn’t in a boat. He is doing motions like he is rowing a boat and just scooting on his ass backwards across the floor. Ooookkkkaaay. As I am watching him row, I see another kid sitting on the floor leaning against wall. This young man is wearing a football helmet and has oven mitts duct taped to his wrist. I thought to myself, “Cool, they are at recess or playing a game”. I was wrong again. BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! HOLY SHIT!!! He just starts slamming his head against the wall, HARD! And then tries to unfasten the chin strap, which must have been the reason for the oven mitts.
It’s at this point that I am praying that these kids don’t gang up on me because I would have come through the wall like the Kool-Aid man! I hear that they can smell fear.
So I let out a loud yet subtle, “HHEECCTTOORR!!” A couple of seconds later he comes around the corner and says that he will show me where to set everything up at. Thank god, I thought I was a goner.
We make our way to the room where we are supposed to set up everything and he gives me the run down. After we get everything set up Hector asked one of the teachers if there was anywhere that he could get a drink and she tells us where a water fountain is and mentions that there is a soda machine in the teachers lounge too. Hector opted for the soda and we make our way to the teachers lounge.
When we got to the teachers lounge there was a little girl standing by the soda machine with her hands clasp in front of her with her head down and looking very morose. We thought maybe she had gotten in trouble or something so we were going to be extra nice to her to try to cheer her up. We both said hello to her and asked how she was doing and she didn’t move a muscle. In an effort to not be annoying to the girl we just decided to get a soda and go about our business. Hector walks over to the machine and puts his money in, makes a selection and BAM, this little girl lunges and grabs the soda and then pfffffttt just slobbers all over the top of it. Without missing a beat, Hector says to her, “Yeah, you’re right, that one is yours” and then goes into his pocket to get more change. He again puts his money in the machine and the little girl, BAM/pffffffttt all over this one too. Hector is visibly taken back a little bit and turns to me and says, “Hey man, you think you can run interference for me? I am running out of money!” So there I am standing there like I am trying to block a four foot Kobe Bryant so that Hector can get a drink.
A dollar fifty later and he drops the damn thing walking out of the room!
Don’t get dead
As I may or may not have mentioned in the past, I have had a variety of jobs when I was younger. Dish washer, utility worker, lawn maintenance, peanut mill production line worker, banker, candle stick maker, Indian chief and so on.
One of those jobs that I had was a fill-in driver for a food service company, meals on wheels if you will. Most of our clients were senior citizen centers. Places where the able bodied senior members of society would gather Monday thru Friday. Usually they would play bingo and stuff like that. But in an effort to keep our business profitable we also took clients for day care centers & mental health facilities.
One this particular day I was working with a co-worker named Hector. Hector was teaching me the route, who gets what, how to load the truck in the order of the stops and so on. I liked Hector, he was cool, he had a great personality, liked jazz and loved women. We got a long well.
During the route Hector told me that we had a new client and that he was going to show me how to do an initial set up. When we get there I can see that it’s not a senior citizen center and I could see kids walking around, so I thought it was a day care. I was wrong.
Hector parks the truck and tells me to start unloading the stuff and that he was going to go in and find out where everything went and he would come back and get me. So I get everything off the truck and loaded onto a dolly. One thing that I didn’t mention is that it was August, which meant that it was as hot and muggy as Satan’s balls. After a couple of minutes I thought to myself, “screw this” and wheeled the stuff inside. Now I am standing in the very nice and cool air conditioned foyer of this school when I see this kid sitting on the floor and he starts to row a boat across the floor, but he isn’t in a boat. He is doing motions like he is rowing a boat and just scooting on his ass backwards across the floor. Ooookkkkaaay. As I am watching him row, I see another kid sitting on the floor leaning against wall. This young man is wearing a football helmet and has oven mitts duct taped to his wrist. I thought to myself, “Cool, they are at recess or playing a game”. I was wrong again. BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! HOLY SHIT!!! He just starts slamming his head against the wall, HARD! And then tries to unfasten the chin strap, which must have been the reason for the oven mitts.
It’s at this point that I am praying that these kids don’t gang up on me because I would have come through the wall like the Kool-Aid man! I hear that they can smell fear.
So I let out a loud yet subtle, “HHEECCTTOORR!!” A couple of seconds later he comes around the corner and says that he will show me where to set everything up at. Thank god, I thought I was a goner.
We make our way to the room where we are supposed to set up everything and he gives me the run down. After we get everything set up Hector asked one of the teachers if there was anywhere that he could get a drink and she tells us where a water fountain is and mentions that there is a soda machine in the teachers lounge too. Hector opted for the soda and we make our way to the teachers lounge.
When we got to the teachers lounge there was a little girl standing by the soda machine with her hands clasp in front of her with her head down and looking very morose. We thought maybe she had gotten in trouble or something so we were going to be extra nice to her to try to cheer her up. We both said hello to her and asked how she was doing and she didn’t move a muscle. In an effort to not be annoying to the girl we just decided to get a soda and go about our business. Hector walks over to the machine and puts his money in, makes a selection and BAM, this little girl lunges and grabs the soda and then pfffffttt just slobbers all over the top of it. Without missing a beat, Hector says to her, “Yeah, you’re right, that one is yours” and then goes into his pocket to get more change. He again puts his money in the machine and the little girl, BAM/pffffffttt all over this one too. Hector is visibly taken back a little bit and turns to me and says, “Hey man, you think you can run interference for me? I am running out of money!” So there I am standing there like I am trying to block a four foot Kobe Bryant so that Hector can get a drink.
A dollar fifty later and he drops the damn thing walking out of the room!
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Dear Sweezey - Need help with a guy
Dear Sweezey,
I have been sort of seeing this guy who for a while, but nothing to serious yet. He is great and seems to have his head on his shoulders. I am always going to him for advice and asking all sorts of questions and he never gets flustered with me. But one thing that is odd to me is every time I tell him that he is nice for helping me or say that he is sweet, he always replies to me with “Nah, I am an asshole :)” or something like that. Why won’t he let me compliment him? I know he is nice and has a heart of gold, but he never takes compliments. Is this a bad sign?
Wondering Woman
Dear Wondering Woman (oh god),
How dense are you? I mean seriously. While he may be saying it with a nice face on, he is telling you the truth, he’s an asshole. He is giving you warning that one day he is going to lower the boom on your ass like Hiroshima! And it wont be pretty. Yeah, one day he is going to have enough of your stupid ass questions and going to tell you what an idiot you are and all kinds of other things that you aren’t going to want to hear. Ever hear someone say that the writing is on the wall? Well when he is telling you that he is an asshole, he just pulled out a sharpie and is using his best penmanship.
So leave the guy alone. Don’t you think he has better things to do than to solve all of your issues for you? That is unless you are giving him some, then you just bought yourself a little more time. But he will get tired of that too, unless you know how to work it. Then he will just talk about you to his friends until you break crazy on him.
Sweezey
As always you can e-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
I have been sort of seeing this guy who for a while, but nothing to serious yet. He is great and seems to have his head on his shoulders. I am always going to him for advice and asking all sorts of questions and he never gets flustered with me. But one thing that is odd to me is every time I tell him that he is nice for helping me or say that he is sweet, he always replies to me with “Nah, I am an asshole :)” or something like that. Why won’t he let me compliment him? I know he is nice and has a heart of gold, but he never takes compliments. Is this a bad sign?
Wondering Woman
Dear Wondering Woman (oh god),
How dense are you? I mean seriously. While he may be saying it with a nice face on, he is telling you the truth, he’s an asshole. He is giving you warning that one day he is going to lower the boom on your ass like Hiroshima! And it wont be pretty. Yeah, one day he is going to have enough of your stupid ass questions and going to tell you what an idiot you are and all kinds of other things that you aren’t going to want to hear. Ever hear someone say that the writing is on the wall? Well when he is telling you that he is an asshole, he just pulled out a sharpie and is using his best penmanship.
So leave the guy alone. Don’t you think he has better things to do than to solve all of your issues for you? That is unless you are giving him some, then you just bought yourself a little more time. But he will get tired of that too, unless you know how to work it. Then he will just talk about you to his friends until you break crazy on him.
Sweezey
As always you can e-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Monday, February 23, 2009
Things that I wonder about.
• Did the guy whose job it was to name fruit just not try when he got to the orange?
• Why is Christopher Columbus celebrated as the man who discovered America when all he did was get lost?
• Does this bump look infected?
• How come people will burn up $10 in gas driving across the city to save fifty cents?
• Why don’t beaches wash away?
• Do all fish know how to swim?
• Shouldn’t firemen really be called watermen?
• Who let the dogs out?
• How come every time I loose socks it’s only one out of the pair? Why don’t I ever loose both socks from the same pair?
• If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, why is it so early? You would think that if it was so important that it would be at a time when everyone is up.
• Who decides what’s a weed and what’s a flower? Is it that if it’s hard to kill it’s a weed and if it’s hard to keep alive it’s a flower?
• Who decides what is dancing and what is repetitive spastic motion?
• Why is it that we load ourselves up with distractions such as cell phones and TVs in places that we need to pay the most attention, like in the car. But we want piece and quiet in places where you can afford to have distractions like at home?
• Why is there handicapped parking at dance clubs?
• What do fortune tells ask you what you want to know about? Shouldn’t they already know?
• If magicians can really do “magic” why don’t they let me pick the tricks they are to do?
• The rock band “Candlebox” has a greatest hits CD, why? And is it a single?
Don’t get dead
• Why is Christopher Columbus celebrated as the man who discovered America when all he did was get lost?
• Does this bump look infected?
• How come people will burn up $10 in gas driving across the city to save fifty cents?
• Why don’t beaches wash away?
• Do all fish know how to swim?
• Shouldn’t firemen really be called watermen?
• Who let the dogs out?
• How come every time I loose socks it’s only one out of the pair? Why don’t I ever loose both socks from the same pair?
• If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, why is it so early? You would think that if it was so important that it would be at a time when everyone is up.
• Who decides what’s a weed and what’s a flower? Is it that if it’s hard to kill it’s a weed and if it’s hard to keep alive it’s a flower?
• Who decides what is dancing and what is repetitive spastic motion?
• Why is it that we load ourselves up with distractions such as cell phones and TVs in places that we need to pay the most attention, like in the car. But we want piece and quiet in places where you can afford to have distractions like at home?
• Why is there handicapped parking at dance clubs?
• What do fortune tells ask you what you want to know about? Shouldn’t they already know?
• If magicians can really do “magic” why don’t they let me pick the tricks they are to do?
• The rock band “Candlebox” has a greatest hits CD, why? And is it a single?
Don’t get dead
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Telemarketers
I know that times are tough, I won’t argue that point one bit. And I know that everyone has to make a living. But stop trying to do it at my expense!
Look, I know that you are trying to feed your five hungry kids and the twins need special shoes so that they can walk to school, up hill both ways none the less. But trust me when I tell you that I got nothing that will help you and that you would do better trying to get someone else to buy what ever it is you are selling. Because all I am going to do is waste your time.
Like for instance, one time I was home and the phone rings, like a moron I answered it. I know, what was I thinking?! To my EXTREME joy it was a telemarketer. Now typically I would just hang up. But this time, was different. This time was special! I felt like screwing with someone. It must have been fate!
So I answer in the typical fashion of, “What?” (I got tired of using, “Commissioner Gordon here”) and the voice on the other end calls my name in this really cheery voice like he is glad to talk to me again. Knowing right away that this is no one who knows me, I let him continue with his little speech. He goes on and on about meeting new and exciting people and blah, blah, blah… I am sure he was saying something really meaningful but I was too busy scratching with the phone receiver. Anyway, he reveals that this is for the most popular dating service in the metroplex (didn’t see that coming with all of the talk of meeting new and exciting singles) and then he asks me, “So what do you think?” Well hell, I had to find out if I could do this! I mean who would want to pass up an opportunity like that! So I asked him to hang on a minute while I asked my wife if I could join. I hear him call me an asshole and hang up. Sorry dude, you’re the dumbass who called me and never asked if I was married. Good luck with your sales.
But my favorite of all time has to be this one time (at band camp, sorry I had to) a telemarketer called me trying to sell me the news paper. Over and over again I kept telling him that I wasn’t interested. And I was trying to be nice about it because the guy sounded desperate. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He just kept on and on. So finally I told him that I had to tell him something and that I was a war vet and that I lost both of my arms in the war and that’s why I didn’t want a subscription to the paper.
Anyone want to guess what he says then? Glad you asked, he says “Well what about the weekend edition?” No shit, he really said that after I told him that I don’t have arms.
But I was proud of myself, instead of telling him what a tool he was I simply left it at “Yeah, my arms grow back on the weekends, sign me up!”. I don’t know why but he hung up on me.
Don’t get dead
Look, I know that you are trying to feed your five hungry kids and the twins need special shoes so that they can walk to school, up hill both ways none the less. But trust me when I tell you that I got nothing that will help you and that you would do better trying to get someone else to buy what ever it is you are selling. Because all I am going to do is waste your time.
Like for instance, one time I was home and the phone rings, like a moron I answered it. I know, what was I thinking?! To my EXTREME joy it was a telemarketer. Now typically I would just hang up. But this time, was different. This time was special! I felt like screwing with someone. It must have been fate!
So I answer in the typical fashion of, “What?” (I got tired of using, “Commissioner Gordon here”) and the voice on the other end calls my name in this really cheery voice like he is glad to talk to me again. Knowing right away that this is no one who knows me, I let him continue with his little speech. He goes on and on about meeting new and exciting people and blah, blah, blah… I am sure he was saying something really meaningful but I was too busy scratching with the phone receiver. Anyway, he reveals that this is for the most popular dating service in the metroplex (didn’t see that coming with all of the talk of meeting new and exciting singles) and then he asks me, “So what do you think?” Well hell, I had to find out if I could do this! I mean who would want to pass up an opportunity like that! So I asked him to hang on a minute while I asked my wife if I could join. I hear him call me an asshole and hang up. Sorry dude, you’re the dumbass who called me and never asked if I was married. Good luck with your sales.
But my favorite of all time has to be this one time (at band camp, sorry I had to) a telemarketer called me trying to sell me the news paper. Over and over again I kept telling him that I wasn’t interested. And I was trying to be nice about it because the guy sounded desperate. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He just kept on and on. So finally I told him that I had to tell him something and that I was a war vet and that I lost both of my arms in the war and that’s why I didn’t want a subscription to the paper.
Anyone want to guess what he says then? Glad you asked, he says “Well what about the weekend edition?” No shit, he really said that after I told him that I don’t have arms.
But I was proud of myself, instead of telling him what a tool he was I simply left it at “Yeah, my arms grow back on the weekends, sign me up!”. I don’t know why but he hung up on me.
Don’t get dead
Friday, February 13, 2009
Guys rules for going to a club
Guys, this one is for you. With “Singles Awareness Day” or as some call it “Valentines Day” being tomorrow I thought that I would share with you some rules to help you find that lovely lady.
First off, women don’t want to be with some push over smuck. So be confident. Nice is for pussies, be a man. Jesus son, grow a pair! So if you ask a chick to dance and she brushes you off, tell her that you didn’t ask her for head just to dance and that she shouldn’t be such a cunt and to lighten up. They love that, drives them crazy.
Another thing that would help you is if you are so inclined to actually “dance” (god help you) remember these few rules for being a man while dancing (shiver).
• NEVER let your arms get above your shoulders. What are you some kind of queen? You’re not bringing sexy back if you look like it’s raining men, get it?
• Don’t ever ever ever ever ever sing along with the song. I don’t care how great of a song it is, never sing along with it.
• For the love of everything holy, don’t do the running man, the lawnmower, the sprinkler or the shaking dice thing. You only make yourself look like a bigger goober.
• Remember that dames think of dancing like vertical sex, so turn her around, bend her over at the waist and pound away!
• Never dance to more than one song at a time. Trust me, if you are a guy, you don’t dance well. Don’t make a huge ass out of yourself. And if you do actually have decent moves, leave them wanting more.
• No fucking techno, EVER!
Let’s move along to drinking. Beer is fine but is gives off a certain financial limit vibe. Drink mixed drinks. And not some fruity crap either. No drinks with umbrellas or fruit in them. What are you, Fabio? And for the sake of men everywhere, no bright colored drinks! Ever! Drinks should be dark in color. Come on you pansy, man up! And another thing, don’t drink out of a fucking staw, you are not in kindergarten. You got fuzz on your peaches right? Show it!
Make sure that you don’t dress like a dildo too. You’re going to a club to try to get laid, not an interview. No starch in anything you are wearing. And more than two buttons (starting at the very top of your shirt) unbuttoned is completely unacceptable. Come on dude, not t-shirts or anything with a hole in it. And don’t wear sneakers or tennis shoes, if you don’t have normal shoes you are not ready for a woman anyway. Wear a belt but don’t clip ANYTHING to it. And make sure that the belt and the shoes match. And no loud colors! Ever! If you are so inclined as to wear cologne pay very important attention to this part, JUST A FUCKING LITTLE BIT OF IT. Don’t bath in the shit. Let me give you some help here, go to the mall and look at the price tags of the colognes in the case. Find one that is more than you would pay for a bottle of cologne and find that tester bottle. Two sprays of it, no more. And if your hair looks like you just got out of a wind tunnel, well you are on your own, I can’t help you. Oh and no sunglasses. The more accessories that you have, the more you look … well just sad. Drawing attention to yourself = got nothing going for yourself.
Talking to chicks is crucial. Keep saying this handy little phrase to yourself “shut the fuck up”. And remember it. If you are talking, you are fucking up. Well if you are talking too much. Talking to women is sort of a moving target. Too little talking and you look like the guy who jerks off to Disney movies. Too much talking and you look like the guy who lives with his mom. Work on it, but never ever practice in a mirror. Two sentences at the most and no more than say eight words in a sentence. You want to look smooth, not spastic.
Just trying to help.
Don’t get dead
First off, women don’t want to be with some push over smuck. So be confident. Nice is for pussies, be a man. Jesus son, grow a pair! So if you ask a chick to dance and she brushes you off, tell her that you didn’t ask her for head just to dance and that she shouldn’t be such a cunt and to lighten up. They love that, drives them crazy.
Another thing that would help you is if you are so inclined to actually “dance” (god help you) remember these few rules for being a man while dancing (shiver).
• NEVER let your arms get above your shoulders. What are you some kind of queen? You’re not bringing sexy back if you look like it’s raining men, get it?
• Don’t ever ever ever ever ever sing along with the song. I don’t care how great of a song it is, never sing along with it.
• For the love of everything holy, don’t do the running man, the lawnmower, the sprinkler or the shaking dice thing. You only make yourself look like a bigger goober.
• Remember that dames think of dancing like vertical sex, so turn her around, bend her over at the waist and pound away!
• Never dance to more than one song at a time. Trust me, if you are a guy, you don’t dance well. Don’t make a huge ass out of yourself. And if you do actually have decent moves, leave them wanting more.
• No fucking techno, EVER!
Let’s move along to drinking. Beer is fine but is gives off a certain financial limit vibe. Drink mixed drinks. And not some fruity crap either. No drinks with umbrellas or fruit in them. What are you, Fabio? And for the sake of men everywhere, no bright colored drinks! Ever! Drinks should be dark in color. Come on you pansy, man up! And another thing, don’t drink out of a fucking staw, you are not in kindergarten. You got fuzz on your peaches right? Show it!
Make sure that you don’t dress like a dildo too. You’re going to a club to try to get laid, not an interview. No starch in anything you are wearing. And more than two buttons (starting at the very top of your shirt) unbuttoned is completely unacceptable. Come on dude, not t-shirts or anything with a hole in it. And don’t wear sneakers or tennis shoes, if you don’t have normal shoes you are not ready for a woman anyway. Wear a belt but don’t clip ANYTHING to it. And make sure that the belt and the shoes match. And no loud colors! Ever! If you are so inclined as to wear cologne pay very important attention to this part, JUST A FUCKING LITTLE BIT OF IT. Don’t bath in the shit. Let me give you some help here, go to the mall and look at the price tags of the colognes in the case. Find one that is more than you would pay for a bottle of cologne and find that tester bottle. Two sprays of it, no more. And if your hair looks like you just got out of a wind tunnel, well you are on your own, I can’t help you. Oh and no sunglasses. The more accessories that you have, the more you look … well just sad. Drawing attention to yourself = got nothing going for yourself.
Talking to chicks is crucial. Keep saying this handy little phrase to yourself “shut the fuck up”. And remember it. If you are talking, you are fucking up. Well if you are talking too much. Talking to women is sort of a moving target. Too little talking and you look like the guy who jerks off to Disney movies. Too much talking and you look like the guy who lives with his mom. Work on it, but never ever practice in a mirror. Two sentences at the most and no more than say eight words in a sentence. You want to look smooth, not spastic.
Just trying to help.
Don’t get dead
Monday, February 09, 2009
Nothing says love like …
… a pre-ban assault rifle!
That’s right, nothing screams loving like Glock.
What am I talking about? On the way to work this morning I see a sign for a gun and knife show on Valentines Day over in Fort Worth. I know that EVERY girl that I ever spent Valentines Day with wanted nothing more than to go to a gun show.
So if you are looking for that special gift idea for your loved one on Valentines why not a banana clip for her AK-47? Or maybe a .50 cal?
The thing that I really wonder the most about was, did the person who scheduled this really think this through? Here you have Bubba with access to weapons galore when he has just had his heart broken by Linda Lou all on the day that the words “If I can’t have her nobody can!” get said more than any other time of year. Smooth move ex-lax! Maybe they just need more training or something.
Don’t get dead
That’s right, nothing screams loving like Glock.
What am I talking about? On the way to work this morning I see a sign for a gun and knife show on Valentines Day over in Fort Worth. I know that EVERY girl that I ever spent Valentines Day with wanted nothing more than to go to a gun show.
So if you are looking for that special gift idea for your loved one on Valentines why not a banana clip for her AK-47? Or maybe a .50 cal?
The thing that I really wonder the most about was, did the person who scheduled this really think this through? Here you have Bubba with access to weapons galore when he has just had his heart broken by Linda Lou all on the day that the words “If I can’t have her nobody can!” get said more than any other time of year. Smooth move ex-lax! Maybe they just need more training or something.
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
So is that a couple of pigeons in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
So there is a news story where some jackass from Sydney had a couple of pigeons in his pants on a flight (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090204/ap_on_fe_st/as_odd_australia_pigeon_pants;_ylt=AhNsIhf.qbtjnicNFwyJEcvtiBIF) which was found after some eggs where discovered in a vitamin container in his luggage. So that makes me wonder, what in the hell is this moron doing with pidgins in his pants? Ever see a pigeon? They are winged sewer rats. I saw one eat some barf that a homeless dude left on the sidewalk one day. So what was he doing with them? Actually I guess I should ask why? They are not endangered or worth anything. Damn sure not worth the $70,430 fine that he has now.
But why pigeons? You don’t think he was going to do some creepy sexual thing with them do ya? Do you think he had to turn his phone service off and still felt the need to communicate with others and was going to bring back the carrier pigeon craze?
I think the most ironic part is that he had them on a plane. Like they where never going to experience flight on their own.
Don’t get dead
But why pigeons? You don’t think he was going to do some creepy sexual thing with them do ya? Do you think he had to turn his phone service off and still felt the need to communicate with others and was going to bring back the carrier pigeon craze?
I think the most ironic part is that he had them on a plane. Like they where never going to experience flight on their own.
Don’t get dead
Friday, January 30, 2009
You got to be kidding me
So I was checking out some news today when I came across this article.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090130/ap_on_re_us/octuplets
And we all know about the Dugger’s with 75 children or what ever and then there is that damn Jon and Kate plus 8 and gobs of hillbillies with their own softball teams too. So this begs the question of ladies, what in the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, you need keep shitting out kids like some kind of goddamn magic trick?
I understand that for some it’s a religious thing, but seriously if you got six kids, pack it in. God said it’s ok. And for the love of everything holy, stop fucking. While you might think it’s great, the rest of the country hates you. And no we aren’t jealous, you are a goddamn drain on society. And even if your not, you are annoying as fuck. Because we all know you are going to take your entire gaggle of weirdo kids to the store with you while you are shopping and I know it will be while I am at the damn store too.
If you have four or more children, go get a library card or the internet or cable tv or something. Ladies, your vagina is not a clown car.
Plus, come on how good can the sex be if your crotch looks like the tunnels used by the Viet Kong? Who wants to screw a coffee can? Your birth canal must be like a damn slip and slide. I bet you don’t even have to push while in labor, they just slide out like a water slide. Are you going for distance during the delivery by the time you have kid #7?
That’s got to be a shit load of snotty noses and dirty diapers. I am going to go check on getting a vasectomy now.
Don’t get dead
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090130/ap_on_re_us/octuplets
And we all know about the Dugger’s with 75 children or what ever and then there is that damn Jon and Kate plus 8 and gobs of hillbillies with their own softball teams too. So this begs the question of ladies, what in the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, you need keep shitting out kids like some kind of goddamn magic trick?
I understand that for some it’s a religious thing, but seriously if you got six kids, pack it in. God said it’s ok. And for the love of everything holy, stop fucking. While you might think it’s great, the rest of the country hates you. And no we aren’t jealous, you are a goddamn drain on society. And even if your not, you are annoying as fuck. Because we all know you are going to take your entire gaggle of weirdo kids to the store with you while you are shopping and I know it will be while I am at the damn store too.
If you have four or more children, go get a library card or the internet or cable tv or something. Ladies, your vagina is not a clown car.
Plus, come on how good can the sex be if your crotch looks like the tunnels used by the Viet Kong? Who wants to screw a coffee can? Your birth canal must be like a damn slip and slide. I bet you don’t even have to push while in labor, they just slide out like a water slide. Are you going for distance during the delivery by the time you have kid #7?
That’s got to be a shit load of snotty noses and dirty diapers. I am going to go check on getting a vasectomy now.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Elementary My Dear Watson
Believe it or not but Sherlock Holmes is a real person and until this morning was alive and kicking. Ok, seriously there was a gentleman who was honestly named Sherlock Holmes and sadly he was found murdered in his home this morning, and he was only 68.
http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/news/Sherlock_Holmes_Found_Dead_in
Now this sucks because apparently this man was very nice and caring. But the name, what where his parents thinking? Did they just want the man to be picked on his entire life? I bet you ole Sherlock could rough it up with the best of them, he would have to. Or be able to tote an ass-whopping with the best of them.
The ironic part of this is that just earlier tonight I was watching the movie “Office Space”, you know the movie that had the ass clown Michael Bolton.
I almost wonder if it is an epidemic. I went to school with a guy named Richard Head, just think of the nick name, and yeah it used to echo the halls of my high school. I also know cousins named Spring and Summer. Sisters named April, May and June and their cousin August. Oh and I know a William Williams Jr, yeah, WWII.
And I have been told that there was a former Texas Governor Jim Hogg who had daughters named Ima and Ura. I swear, Ima Hogg and Ura Hogg. Their social life must have been hell.
So what is it that goes through peoples mind when naming their children? Do they really think these are good names? My last name starts with an S so I have been very cautious of what any of my children’s initials are, so there is no way that I am going to give them some goofy name. I mean come on, could I really have a child named Alex Shawn S (ASS) or Gary Alan S (GAS)? No, the answer is that I could not.
So what is it that makes people give their children these names? Is it that they want people to remember them but don’t think that they will any talent or personality?
But back to Sherlock, his family and friends are in my thoughts and prayers. I am honestly sorry that this man, who seems like a nice guy, was murdered.
Don’t get dead (not what it sounds like, click the link)
http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/news/Sherlock_Holmes_Found_Dead_in
Now this sucks because apparently this man was very nice and caring. But the name, what where his parents thinking? Did they just want the man to be picked on his entire life? I bet you ole Sherlock could rough it up with the best of them, he would have to. Or be able to tote an ass-whopping with the best of them.
The ironic part of this is that just earlier tonight I was watching the movie “Office Space”, you know the movie that had the ass clown Michael Bolton.
I almost wonder if it is an epidemic. I went to school with a guy named Richard Head, just think of the nick name, and yeah it used to echo the halls of my high school. I also know cousins named Spring and Summer. Sisters named April, May and June and their cousin August. Oh and I know a William Williams Jr, yeah, WWII.
And I have been told that there was a former Texas Governor Jim Hogg who had daughters named Ima and Ura. I swear, Ima Hogg and Ura Hogg. Their social life must have been hell.
So what is it that goes through peoples mind when naming their children? Do they really think these are good names? My last name starts with an S so I have been very cautious of what any of my children’s initials are, so there is no way that I am going to give them some goofy name. I mean come on, could I really have a child named Alex Shawn S (ASS) or Gary Alan S (GAS)? No, the answer is that I could not.
So what is it that makes people give their children these names? Is it that they want people to remember them but don’t think that they will any talent or personality?
But back to Sherlock, his family and friends are in my thoughts and prayers. I am honestly sorry that this man, who seems like a nice guy, was murdered.
Don’t get dead (not what it sounds like, click the link)
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Bingo!
This may be one of the greatest things that I have ever seen.
I think that I got bingo in the parking lot!
Now I don’t hate Wal-Mart, just the people who shop there on a regular basis. What a collection of creatures this is. So to keep the game fair to everyone, I put together a list of other things that could be on the Wal-Mart Bingo cards.
Such as…
- Someone wearing jeans with the Skoal circle in the back poket
- Someone with a cigarette behind their ear
- A woman with a black eye
- 6 inch dark roots on a “blond” woman
- A man wearing flip-flops with frito scoops toe nails
- Diapers, condoms and anti-itch cream all in the same basket
- Radios in automotive section cracked up to some god-awful hip hop station
- Woman wearing a strapless shirt and a bra that’s not
- Dog tied to the concrete poles out front
- Kid lying on the floor in the toy department playing with an opened toy
- A wallet on a chain
- Kid bouncing a ball and shooting it back into the rubber ball cage
- More toys on the floor than on the shelf
- Woman missing teeth wearing a “Taz” or “Tweety Bird” t-shirt
- Guy carrying a car battery back to the automotive section
- Guys playing video games for hours that they have no intention of buying
- A Mullet
- Toddler drinking 44 oz Dr. Pepper
- Plumbers crack with holes around the briefs underwear waistband
- Tube tops
- Guy wearing a bandana on his head
- Someone arguing with Customer Service
- Kids playing on riding lawnmowers
- Someone throwing a nerf football
- A wet floor sign on carpet
- Fat kids with kool-aid stains on their shirts
- $8000 worth of rims on a $500 car
Don’t get dead
I think that I got bingo in the parking lot!
Now I don’t hate Wal-Mart, just the people who shop there on a regular basis. What a collection of creatures this is. So to keep the game fair to everyone, I put together a list of other things that could be on the Wal-Mart Bingo cards.
Such as…
- Someone wearing jeans with the Skoal circle in the back poket
- Someone with a cigarette behind their ear
- A woman with a black eye
- 6 inch dark roots on a “blond” woman
- A man wearing flip-flops with frito scoops toe nails
- Diapers, condoms and anti-itch cream all in the same basket
- Radios in automotive section cracked up to some god-awful hip hop station
- Woman wearing a strapless shirt and a bra that’s not
- Dog tied to the concrete poles out front
- Kid lying on the floor in the toy department playing with an opened toy
- A wallet on a chain
- Kid bouncing a ball and shooting it back into the rubber ball cage
- More toys on the floor than on the shelf
- Woman missing teeth wearing a “Taz” or “Tweety Bird” t-shirt
- Guy carrying a car battery back to the automotive section
- Guys playing video games for hours that they have no intention of buying
- A Mullet
- Toddler drinking 44 oz Dr. Pepper
- Plumbers crack with holes around the briefs underwear waistband
- Tube tops
- Guy wearing a bandana on his head
- Someone arguing with Customer Service
- Kids playing on riding lawnmowers
- Someone throwing a nerf football
- A wet floor sign on carpet
- Fat kids with kool-aid stains on their shirts
- $8000 worth of rims on a $500 car
Don’t get dead
Monday, January 26, 2009
This man is a whore
His name is Billy Mays and he is a serious man-ho. He will sell anything. And now he has reached a new low, discount medical insurance. As if the crap that he peddles on his infomercials wasn’t bad enough he is now slutting out the insurance industry.
Yep, watching the news tonight and I see this
And if you call in the next 20 minutes they will double your policy for free! With a 60 day money back guarantee. All you do is pay the shipping!
So if you got some crappy product and will sling some cash Billy’s way, he will market it for you. I just wonder how long it will be until he is selling “marital aids”, timeshares or miracle weight loss drug? I mean hell, he has his name attached to almost 60 products as it is now ranging from the Zoreez, a shamwow knock off, to Aquapel, the bastard cousin of Rain-X. I am sure there is a saladshooter in there somewhere too. Have you no shame Billy?!
Don’t get dead
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Glove
This is one of the reasons that I am leery of the drive-thru. A while back I went to grab a quick bite to eat at a Burger King and we decided to go in and eat in the restaurant. You know the typical routine, wait in line, order your food, wait for your number to be called, come pick up your tray and go to your seat. So I made my way through the line and am waiting off to the side for my number to be called. As I am waiting I notice that the guy working the register is the one who is getting the orders together and he is kind of, well a dipshit.
I just had this feeling that my order was going to be wrong or something so I was watching him as he was ringing up orders and filling them. So as I am watching I see him get a tray ready, open a bag, scratch his nuts, put a burger into the bag and call my number. OH HELL NO. So I tell him that I got to speak to his manager. After a dirty look he calls the manager over and mumbles some crap.
So the manager comes over and ask me what he could do for me and I told him that I was going to need a new burger. Of course he ask why and I tell him that his employee just scratched his balls then put my burger in the bag.
The manager actually had the audacity to tell me, “Sir, he is wearing a plastic glove”. Dude, I see the glove, the glove is what touched his boys just before he put the burger into the bag. Hell, I would almost rather that he took the glove off to pick up my burger at that point. Just because he is reusing the same plastic glove that is probably the only one he has ever worn doesn’t mean that it is some kind of magic sterile glove that can never get contaminated. Damn dude, you eat the burger then.
So there is no telling what happens that we never see while waiting in the drive-thru.
Enjoy your lunch!
Don’t get dead
I just had this feeling that my order was going to be wrong or something so I was watching him as he was ringing up orders and filling them. So as I am watching I see him get a tray ready, open a bag, scratch his nuts, put a burger into the bag and call my number. OH HELL NO. So I tell him that I got to speak to his manager. After a dirty look he calls the manager over and mumbles some crap.
So the manager comes over and ask me what he could do for me and I told him that I was going to need a new burger. Of course he ask why and I tell him that his employee just scratched his balls then put my burger in the bag.
The manager actually had the audacity to tell me, “Sir, he is wearing a plastic glove”. Dude, I see the glove, the glove is what touched his boys just before he put the burger into the bag. Hell, I would almost rather that he took the glove off to pick up my burger at that point. Just because he is reusing the same plastic glove that is probably the only one he has ever worn doesn’t mean that it is some kind of magic sterile glove that can never get contaminated. Damn dude, you eat the burger then.
So there is no telling what happens that we never see while waiting in the drive-thru.
Enjoy your lunch!
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Random Things
• You think that Lou Gehrig’s parents would have seen that one coming.
• I saw “just heat and serve” on a frozen dinner the other day. Do you really have to tell someone to heat it up or are Salisbury steak popsicles that popular. What else would you do with it?
• Are paraplegic comedians sit-down comics?
• If someone comes up and ask you if they can ask you a question, didn’t they just ask it?
• There are microwave directions for pop-tarts, I shit you not.
• You would think that phonics would be spelled differently.
• Is Ft. Dix NJ anywhere near Ft. Nuts?
Don’t get dead
• I saw “just heat and serve” on a frozen dinner the other day. Do you really have to tell someone to heat it up or are Salisbury steak popsicles that popular. What else would you do with it?
• Are paraplegic comedians sit-down comics?
• If someone comes up and ask you if they can ask you a question, didn’t they just ask it?
• There are microwave directions for pop-tarts, I shit you not.
• You would think that phonics would be spelled differently.
• Is Ft. Dix NJ anywhere near Ft. Nuts?
Don’t get dead
I won the lottery!
Psych! Remember psych back when we were in school? It was the greatest. It was being able to call someone a dumbass with no repercussions. You could be talking with one of your friends and say something like, “Hey, did you hear that the principle got caught molesting a chicken in his office?”, “Really?!”, “Psych!” It really is the equitant of telling someone that they are a complete tool to their face.
And everyone thought it was funny.
“Hey, you’re a dipshit” “Oh man you got me, good one, haha.”
Yep, psych was the greatest. Nothing like directly insulting someone to their face and having them think it is funny. “Hey, you’re an idiot!” “Yeah, I know right, hahaha”.
So if you give an insult a code word that makes it socially acceptable, cool! What should we commonly use to call someone fat? Should we say something like “Hey that dress looks good on you, KRANG!” Or we could use “Loof” to call someone ugly or something.
Ehh *shrug*
Don’t get dead
And everyone thought it was funny.
“Hey, you’re a dipshit” “Oh man you got me, good one, haha.”
Yep, psych was the greatest. Nothing like directly insulting someone to their face and having them think it is funny. “Hey, you’re an idiot!” “Yeah, I know right, hahaha”.
So if you give an insult a code word that makes it socially acceptable, cool! What should we commonly use to call someone fat? Should we say something like “Hey that dress looks good on you, KRANG!” Or we could use “Loof” to call someone ugly or something.
Ehh *shrug*
Don’t get dead
Monday, January 19, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Strip Clubs
As a connoisseur of “Gentlemens Establishments”, I thought I would pass along some tips to help you determine if you are in a nice club or not. And trust me, I have been to some really nice ones and some… not so nice ones. As always there are exceptions to these rules but play the odds and use this list as a guide. Think of it as a titty-bar check list!
If you see any of these things in the establishment you happen to be patronizing, you are probably not in a nice club.
First and for most
• Mullets – if there is a mullet within 100 yards of the front door, get the hell out of there.
Then there are other things such as
• Carpet – if it is sticky or has duct tape on it to stop it from unraveling you have entered a less than stellar club.
• Bullet wounds – if a “dancer” has a wound scar of any type, regardless of the age of the wound, it really speaks to the quality of the “entertainment”. Even the day dancers.
• Bumps/Rashes – of any kind is a huge red flag that you are not in the upper echelon of men’s club. If an “entertainer” is scratching anything, arm pit, crotch, head, butt crack, do you really want her to rub her money maker on your boys?
• Bottles & Glasses vs. Cans & Plastic – If the club you are in isn’t allowed to have glass inside of the building because of “insurance reasons” don’t you really think this is a place you don’t want to hang out with massive amounts of cash? Grated you’re all bad-asses and can beat the hell out of everyone else but if enough everyone eleses get together to dance on your face I don’t think even Chuck Norris is going to be able to help you.
• Teeth – both too many and not enough are bad signs. If her smile looks like her teeth are fighting for room or if she looks like she could smoke a cigarette without opening her mouth do I really have to tell you to run? Oh and while we are on teeth, if she smiles and it looks like she has a mouth full of burnt stumps get the hell out.
• Singing – if the D.J. lets the dancers sing over a song (yes, I have seen that happen), even on a slow night you are in a bad strip bar.
• BJs – if any of the “entertainers” will go to your car with you, at the end of their shift or not, one might venture that you are not in the best of clubs. I know that these are hard economic times, but if she will blow or screw you in the parking lot and then go back and give table dances to any guy with 20 bucks don’t you think she will do that for anybody?
• T-Shirts – yes, t-shirts. If the staff is wearing t-shirts regardless of the fact that they might be t-shirts from that club, you are not in what one might call a high class joint. At the very minimum they should have on collared pull-overs or polo shits. Usually a clean button down is the standard.
• Bar Stools w/Duct Tape – you might be thinking WTF, what is the big deal about this? Well bar stools are relatively cheap so if one got a tear in it the bartender should put it in the back and end up throwing it away and ordering more. You can get barstools just about any where and if you do have a problem with people cutting them up, well there ya go.
• The “Trough” – yeah, any mens room with a trough urinal is a very bad sign. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t want to be around a bunch of drunk horned up guys with my junk out on display. Remember the line from “Ghostbuster”? Don’t cross the streams!!
• Rubbers – while we are on the subject of the mens room, any strip bar that has a rubber machine in its mens room might not be the best selection, even if they are Trojans.
• Accents – oh, a bit racial you might say but go with me on this one. If the DJ has an accent of any kind you are not at a place where big business deals are being made, drug deals maybe. If the DJ cracks the mic and bust off with “Hey ese” or “Viva” anything, don’t walk, run to the door.
• Dancer/Server – if the same person who brings you a beer will also give you a table dance, I got a feeling you made a poor choice in locations for entertainment for the night.
• Memberships – a scam pure and simple. Any titty bar that wants you to buy a membership is just looking for more ways to bring in cash. You would think the meth sells would be enough.
• Country/Metal – what do you know “Sindee” likes to dance to Garth Brooks and “Jade” loves her some Metal Church. Well guess what, that means you are in a hell hole of a mens club. The majority of the fat cats with a big bank roll don’t want to hear that stuff while they watch silicone bounce around.
• Folding chairs – oh hell yeah, if the chairs around the wobbly tables in the club fold up there is a slightly massive chance that you are in the armpit of strip bars.
• Cute sayings – you know how people who are really well off don’t have to tell people that they are really well off? And how people who are really smart don’t have to tell people that they are really smart? Well when a DJ in a strip club has to announce that you need to tip the girls, the audience probably isn’t either of the previously mentioned things. So if you hear cute sayings like “Come on fellas, put some greenery on her scenery” or “put a tip on her hip” the bar that you are at is probably less than fantastic.
• Privacy fences around the parking lot – come on, do I even have to tell you?
• Walk-thru Metal Detector – are you going to look at boobs in the hood come on now.
• DJ/Janitor – if the DJ has to play the album version of “Inna Godda Davita” so that he can go mop up a drink that spilled, I would venture to believe that you are not surrounded by Mensa members.
It’s your money and life, I am just trying to help you enjoy it more.
Don’t get dead
If you see any of these things in the establishment you happen to be patronizing, you are probably not in a nice club.
First and for most
• Mullets – if there is a mullet within 100 yards of the front door, get the hell out of there.
Then there are other things such as
• Carpet – if it is sticky or has duct tape on it to stop it from unraveling you have entered a less than stellar club.
• Bullet wounds – if a “dancer” has a wound scar of any type, regardless of the age of the wound, it really speaks to the quality of the “entertainment”. Even the day dancers.
• Bumps/Rashes – of any kind is a huge red flag that you are not in the upper echelon of men’s club. If an “entertainer” is scratching anything, arm pit, crotch, head, butt crack, do you really want her to rub her money maker on your boys?
• Bottles & Glasses vs. Cans & Plastic – If the club you are in isn’t allowed to have glass inside of the building because of “insurance reasons” don’t you really think this is a place you don’t want to hang out with massive amounts of cash? Grated you’re all bad-asses and can beat the hell out of everyone else but if enough everyone eleses get together to dance on your face I don’t think even Chuck Norris is going to be able to help you.
• Teeth – both too many and not enough are bad signs. If her smile looks like her teeth are fighting for room or if she looks like she could smoke a cigarette without opening her mouth do I really have to tell you to run? Oh and while we are on teeth, if she smiles and it looks like she has a mouth full of burnt stumps get the hell out.
• Singing – if the D.J. lets the dancers sing over a song (yes, I have seen that happen), even on a slow night you are in a bad strip bar.
• BJs – if any of the “entertainers” will go to your car with you, at the end of their shift or not, one might venture that you are not in the best of clubs. I know that these are hard economic times, but if she will blow or screw you in the parking lot and then go back and give table dances to any guy with 20 bucks don’t you think she will do that for anybody?
• T-Shirts – yes, t-shirts. If the staff is wearing t-shirts regardless of the fact that they might be t-shirts from that club, you are not in what one might call a high class joint. At the very minimum they should have on collared pull-overs or polo shits. Usually a clean button down is the standard.
• Bar Stools w/Duct Tape – you might be thinking WTF, what is the big deal about this? Well bar stools are relatively cheap so if one got a tear in it the bartender should put it in the back and end up throwing it away and ordering more. You can get barstools just about any where and if you do have a problem with people cutting them up, well there ya go.
• The “Trough” – yeah, any mens room with a trough urinal is a very bad sign. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t want to be around a bunch of drunk horned up guys with my junk out on display. Remember the line from “Ghostbuster”? Don’t cross the streams!!
• Rubbers – while we are on the subject of the mens room, any strip bar that has a rubber machine in its mens room might not be the best selection, even if they are Trojans.
• Accents – oh, a bit racial you might say but go with me on this one. If the DJ has an accent of any kind you are not at a place where big business deals are being made, drug deals maybe. If the DJ cracks the mic and bust off with “Hey ese” or “Viva” anything, don’t walk, run to the door.
• Dancer/Server – if the same person who brings you a beer will also give you a table dance, I got a feeling you made a poor choice in locations for entertainment for the night.
• Memberships – a scam pure and simple. Any titty bar that wants you to buy a membership is just looking for more ways to bring in cash. You would think the meth sells would be enough.
• Country/Metal – what do you know “Sindee” likes to dance to Garth Brooks and “Jade” loves her some Metal Church. Well guess what, that means you are in a hell hole of a mens club. The majority of the fat cats with a big bank roll don’t want to hear that stuff while they watch silicone bounce around.
• Folding chairs – oh hell yeah, if the chairs around the wobbly tables in the club fold up there is a slightly massive chance that you are in the armpit of strip bars.
• Cute sayings – you know how people who are really well off don’t have to tell people that they are really well off? And how people who are really smart don’t have to tell people that they are really smart? Well when a DJ in a strip club has to announce that you need to tip the girls, the audience probably isn’t either of the previously mentioned things. So if you hear cute sayings like “Come on fellas, put some greenery on her scenery” or “put a tip on her hip” the bar that you are at is probably less than fantastic.
• Privacy fences around the parking lot – come on, do I even have to tell you?
• Walk-thru Metal Detector – are you going to look at boobs in the hood come on now.
• DJ/Janitor – if the DJ has to play the album version of “Inna Godda Davita” so that he can go mop up a drink that spilled, I would venture to believe that you are not surrounded by Mensa members.
It’s your money and life, I am just trying to help you enjoy it more.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I wasn’t quite to the 7th layer of hell, but really deep in the 6th last night.
Oh damn I have been sick for weeks now. And it sucks, royally. I hate being sick. I have a serious case of “jello brain” where my head feels like my brain is made of jello and someone just shoot the shit out of me. On top of that, I CAN’T FUCKING BREATH. My snot locker is packed full and it’s not going anywhere. And I got some serious pressure in my head going on. Oh, and it’s about 2 fucking degrees out side. And that’s how I feel today, last night was worse!
So when I got home last night I had two things that I wanted to do, get warm and sleep and that’s it. My wife took the kids to the mall so that I could get a head start on my plans for the evening. And as much of a chick thing as it is to do, I had to soak in a tub full of hot water (sorry Kimber). While in said tub o’ scalding H2O I noticed that my wife left the TV on. That’s cool I got something to listen to while I am in here. Then it happened, American Idol came on.
Now this wasn’t deep into the 6th layer for the reason you think. I was actually enjoying the people who could sing. But they only let them sing for maybe 30 seconds. But the clones of Helen Keller that they had on the show got to sing for fucking hours it seemed like. And not just one song. Every damn one of them sang “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” at least a half dozen times. I was actually willing those people to die, I know the show was pre-recorded but they should take my feelings into account regardless of when the show airs.
It wouldn’t have been a big deal if I felt good because I could have just gotten my happy ass up, went into the bedroom and turned the TV off and then got back into the tub. But that’s just it, I didn’t quite fell like I was on Death’s doorstep but I was damn sure in his front yard.
Don’t get dead
So when I got home last night I had two things that I wanted to do, get warm and sleep and that’s it. My wife took the kids to the mall so that I could get a head start on my plans for the evening. And as much of a chick thing as it is to do, I had to soak in a tub full of hot water (sorry Kimber). While in said tub o’ scalding H2O I noticed that my wife left the TV on. That’s cool I got something to listen to while I am in here. Then it happened, American Idol came on.
Now this wasn’t deep into the 6th layer for the reason you think. I was actually enjoying the people who could sing. But they only let them sing for maybe 30 seconds. But the clones of Helen Keller that they had on the show got to sing for fucking hours it seemed like. And not just one song. Every damn one of them sang “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” at least a half dozen times. I was actually willing those people to die, I know the show was pre-recorded but they should take my feelings into account regardless of when the show airs.
It wouldn’t have been a big deal if I felt good because I could have just gotten my happy ass up, went into the bedroom and turned the TV off and then got back into the tub. But that’s just it, I didn’t quite fell like I was on Death’s doorstep but I was damn sure in his front yard.
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Dear Sweezey - Need a room for a night
Dear Sweezey,
Do you know of a place in the DFW area where one can rent a room for a tryst?
- Secret Lover
Dear Secret,
You are an idiot aren’t you? You want to know if I know of a place that you can rent a room to go bang some skank? Try a hotel moron. There are only about 10 thousand of them in the area. I hear there is a really nice one down off of I-35, it is called the Lou Sterrett Justice Center. When you check in you get these really cool orange coveralls and every guest gets a portrait taken!
- Sweezey
As always feel free to e-mail for advice on ANYTHING at DearSweezey@gmail.com.
Don’t get dead
Do you know of a place in the DFW area where one can rent a room for a tryst?
- Secret Lover
Dear Secret,
You are an idiot aren’t you? You want to know if I know of a place that you can rent a room to go bang some skank? Try a hotel moron. There are only about 10 thousand of them in the area. I hear there is a really nice one down off of I-35, it is called the Lou Sterrett Justice Center. When you check in you get these really cool orange coveralls and every guest gets a portrait taken!
- Sweezey
As always feel free to e-mail for advice on ANYTHING at DearSweezey@gmail.com.
Don’t get dead
Monday, January 12, 2009
Batman, the Dark Knight
We just watched “The Dark Knight” the other night, I know we are behind the times, eat me. And I have just a couple of observations on the movie.
Out of all of the gadgets that he has, none of them are a fucking gun?! Come on freaky latex boy, start carrying a hogleg and some of those jerkoffs will think twice before they decide to hang around and duke it out with you.
And secondly, fuck your morals and kill some people will ya!? How many damn times where you face to face with the Joker and you were trying to arrest his ass? Shoot him in is fucking clown face. Terminate his ass with extreme prejudice! Do you know why our military have guns and kill people? Because just arresting those cock suckers don’t get the point across. When word gets out that you made some fucktard look like Swiss cheese people will reconsider fucking with you. All of those people of Gotham are big fans of you and if you start to eliminate some of the “bad guys” I got a feeling that your job will make itself a lot easier.
Don’t get dead
Out of all of the gadgets that he has, none of them are a fucking gun?! Come on freaky latex boy, start carrying a hogleg and some of those jerkoffs will think twice before they decide to hang around and duke it out with you.
And secondly, fuck your morals and kill some people will ya!? How many damn times where you face to face with the Joker and you were trying to arrest his ass? Shoot him in is fucking clown face. Terminate his ass with extreme prejudice! Do you know why our military have guns and kill people? Because just arresting those cock suckers don’t get the point across. When word gets out that you made some fucktard look like Swiss cheese people will reconsider fucking with you. All of those people of Gotham are big fans of you and if you start to eliminate some of the “bad guys” I got a feeling that your job will make itself a lot easier.
Don’t get dead
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Tim and the cat
Maybe it’s the meds or maybe it’s stress but either way something reminded me of something that happened when I lived in Virginia that I thought I would share.
At one point I had a roommate named Tim who was pretty cool. Tim owned this condo and I rented a room from him and we got to be pretty good friends. At some point during the time that I lived with him he was asked to cat-sit for about a week or so for a co-worker. Since it was Tim’s place the liter box was in the guest bathroom, the one that I used. And since we all know that cat shit smells oh so good, I really tried to keep the liter box clean.
Now another part of this story that comes into play is that I worked a lot closer to the condo than Tim did. During the first couple of days while we were cat-sitting I happened to beat Tim home and if there were turds in the litter box, I would flush them. So one day I am watching TV in the living room and Tim goes into the guest bathroom and comes right back out and says, “Man, this cat hasn’t taken a crap since it has been here”. So yeah, I had to screw with him.
I made sure that I beat him home the rest of the time that we were cat-sitting and I would clean out the litter box if there was anything in it. I didn’t know it but the next day Tim had taken the cat to the vet and the vet had prescribed some cat laxatives for the cat. And they were … effective! This cat was crapping its brains out. So for the next couple of days I am scooping up after this cat and secretly replacing the cat litter and Tim never notices.
The day before the cat is supposed to go back to its owner I made sure to beat Tim home and clean up all of the crap out of the litter box and then I decided to really screw with Tim. I had a really big lunch and was holding everything in until I got home. So now I have a nice freshly cleaned litter box and a full colon. This is when I decided to put my own little gift in the litter box. So I do my business in the litter box, scatter some litter on it and run back to my car in the parking lot and wait for Tim to pull in.
When I see Tim pull into the parking lot I get out of my car like I had just gotten home. Then I walk over and shoot the breeze with him and we walk into the condo together. We set out stuff down and I was just waiting for Tim to go check the litter box. Within a few minutes Tim goes into the guest bathroom and I hear, “HOLY SHIT! KITTY!” and he comes running out of the bathroom and into the living room where the cat was. Scoops up the cat, lifts its tail and begins to examine the cat’s ass.
I couldn’t hold in my laughter but Tim had this totally confused look on his face. I had to tell him what had happened because he didn’t get it at first. But damn it was funny seeing the look on his face thinking that this little cat had shit out this big man turd
Oh and there was no harm done to the cat.
Don’t get dead
At one point I had a roommate named Tim who was pretty cool. Tim owned this condo and I rented a room from him and we got to be pretty good friends. At some point during the time that I lived with him he was asked to cat-sit for about a week or so for a co-worker. Since it was Tim’s place the liter box was in the guest bathroom, the one that I used. And since we all know that cat shit smells oh so good, I really tried to keep the liter box clean.
Now another part of this story that comes into play is that I worked a lot closer to the condo than Tim did. During the first couple of days while we were cat-sitting I happened to beat Tim home and if there were turds in the litter box, I would flush them. So one day I am watching TV in the living room and Tim goes into the guest bathroom and comes right back out and says, “Man, this cat hasn’t taken a crap since it has been here”. So yeah, I had to screw with him.
I made sure that I beat him home the rest of the time that we were cat-sitting and I would clean out the litter box if there was anything in it. I didn’t know it but the next day Tim had taken the cat to the vet and the vet had prescribed some cat laxatives for the cat. And they were … effective! This cat was crapping its brains out. So for the next couple of days I am scooping up after this cat and secretly replacing the cat litter and Tim never notices.
The day before the cat is supposed to go back to its owner I made sure to beat Tim home and clean up all of the crap out of the litter box and then I decided to really screw with Tim. I had a really big lunch and was holding everything in until I got home. So now I have a nice freshly cleaned litter box and a full colon. This is when I decided to put my own little gift in the litter box. So I do my business in the litter box, scatter some litter on it and run back to my car in the parking lot and wait for Tim to pull in.
When I see Tim pull into the parking lot I get out of my car like I had just gotten home. Then I walk over and shoot the breeze with him and we walk into the condo together. We set out stuff down and I was just waiting for Tim to go check the litter box. Within a few minutes Tim goes into the guest bathroom and I hear, “HOLY SHIT! KITTY!” and he comes running out of the bathroom and into the living room where the cat was. Scoops up the cat, lifts its tail and begins to examine the cat’s ass.
I couldn’t hold in my laughter but Tim had this totally confused look on his face. I had to tell him what had happened because he didn’t get it at first. But damn it was funny seeing the look on his face thinking that this little cat had shit out this big man turd
Oh and there was no harm done to the cat.
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
New Years Resolutions
I know that I am late with my resolutions and I really don’t know why we make resolutions. Nor do I care. I heard on the radio how most people don’t keep their resolutions past the first month. So I thought that I would make some realistic resolutions that I can keep.
1. Work out less - You heard me correctly, work out less. If even at all! Yeah, I doubt highly that I break this one. I would love to say that I am going get back into the gym and work out at least 4 times a week but come on we all know that’s a lie.
2. Eat junkier foods – Yup, fuck tofu. I am going to eat what I want and not even feel bad about it. I believe that double cheeseburgers are in order as a celebratory kick off meal. Oh and fries with ranch. Anyone’s heart can beat with no resistance, my heart likes a challenge!
3. Read less/watch more TV – This one I may have to really work at. And not only watch more TV but watch more crappy TV. I am thinking cartoons and porn, and that’s it. Nothing like starting off your Sunday morning with the South Park & Debbie Does Dallas double header.
4. Be lazier – Whew, man I am not quite sure that this is even possible, I guess I could cut out showers.
5. Become more of a prick – Ok, these are supposed to be a challenge right? I guess I could great everyone with a rousing “F YOU!”
So these are my resolutions for 2009. I should be able to keep them. And if I do, do I get some sort of award or something? I guess on New Years Eve 2009 I will start lying to myself again and make all of these bullshit promises that I know that I am not going to keep, but this year I am going to make all of my resolutions!
Don’t get dead
1. Work out less - You heard me correctly, work out less. If even at all! Yeah, I doubt highly that I break this one. I would love to say that I am going get back into the gym and work out at least 4 times a week but come on we all know that’s a lie.
2. Eat junkier foods – Yup, fuck tofu. I am going to eat what I want and not even feel bad about it. I believe that double cheeseburgers are in order as a celebratory kick off meal. Oh and fries with ranch. Anyone’s heart can beat with no resistance, my heart likes a challenge!
3. Read less/watch more TV – This one I may have to really work at. And not only watch more TV but watch more crappy TV. I am thinking cartoons and porn, and that’s it. Nothing like starting off your Sunday morning with the South Park & Debbie Does Dallas double header.
4. Be lazier – Whew, man I am not quite sure that this is even possible, I guess I could cut out showers.
5. Become more of a prick – Ok, these are supposed to be a challenge right? I guess I could great everyone with a rousing “F YOU!”
So these are my resolutions for 2009. I should be able to keep them. And if I do, do I get some sort of award or something? I guess on New Years Eve 2009 I will start lying to myself again and make all of these bullshit promises that I know that I am not going to keep, but this year I am going to make all of my resolutions!
Don’t get dead
Monday, January 05, 2009
Snuggie and other stupid crap
We have all seen the commercial for the “Snuggie” right? Where the woman is unhappy about having to pay her electric bill so she keeps the house cold in the winter time. And then the announcer comes out and tells you how the “Snuggie” is a blanket with sleeves. We have all seen this stupid ass commercial right? Is it just me or is the “Snuggie” just a bath robe put on backwards? What a novel “invention” (insert eye roll here)! How bloody stupid do you have to be to go out and buy one of these?
And while we are on it, since it is a backwards bath robe without a belt when you get up aren’t you going to be cold again? Just like wearing a hospital gown.
Let’s look at this with some common sense shall we. First off, they just started offering this stupid thing in December. You know, when it is already cold. Then the small print says to add 2 to 6 weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?! Do the math, that’s mid-February if you order right now. You really think that a terry cloth bath robe is going to keep you warm in February?
Additionally, if you do the math the “Snuggie” is $19.95 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA) plus $7.95 for shipping. So that is $27.90 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA). Since it is already January, are you really going to save roughly $30 is your heating bill by turning your heat down a little between now and mid-February? You know, the very coldest part of the year, where you heat is going to run anyway? Oh and if you don’t live alone you got to dish out another $7.95 for one more, what if you live with 4 other people? Seriously, do the math, how much are you going to save?
It’s also kind of funny that you have a 30 day money back guarantee but may take six weeks to get to you, nice touch Snuggie. Oh and don’t forget that crappy book light. I would love to have been in the marketing meeting that produced this. Who was their target audience? The mentally handicapped?
You know what, I got a closet full of “Snuggies” in a lot more colors than the three that they offer on TV. And I will get them to you a hell of a lot quicker than six weeks. So send me $20 bucks and I will send you a robe, uhh, I mean a “Snuggie”. And if you order now, I will give you the opportunity to order our new two piece, fully enclosed “Snuggie” called sweatpants and a sweatshirt or sweater.
Oh and the “Shamwow”, give me a break. Shammys have been around for years and years. If I went to one of my friend’s house and they had a “Shamwow” as a bathmat I would laugh right in their face.
The people who buy this stuff must be the tinfoil hat wearing population of America.
But the worst of all is the late night electric wheelchair commercials from the Scooter Store. Have you seen the one where it looks like they left the door to the old folk’s home open? They show all of these senior citizens roaming town in their “powerchair”. First off, my grandmother had one of these and she couldn’t drive it for shit. You could tell everywhere she had been because the walls where all fucked up where she was running into stuff. Since she couldn’t drive it in her house, do you really think ANYONE would let her drive it to town? Where other cars where? And secondly it looks like a geriatric biker gang. They looked like the Hells Door Step Angels. Come on Scooter Store, do you watch your own commercials? If you really wanted to show what life with a powerchair is like, show the old people riding them with motorcycle helmets on and offer some kind of discount on doorframe repair. Oh and Scooter Store, just as a bit of free advice your R&D department might want to take a look at bumper cars. Seriously, pad the edges.
Oh and the damn watering globe, Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ, how lazy are you that you can’t pour some water into a pot every now and then. Shit, do like we do, just let them die a quick death. Don’t fill the plant with false hope that it might actually live.
But I do want one of those sliders grill things.
Don’t get dead
And while we are on it, since it is a backwards bath robe without a belt when you get up aren’t you going to be cold again? Just like wearing a hospital gown.
Let’s look at this with some common sense shall we. First off, they just started offering this stupid thing in December. You know, when it is already cold. Then the small print says to add 2 to 6 weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?! Do the math, that’s mid-February if you order right now. You really think that a terry cloth bath robe is going to keep you warm in February?
Additionally, if you do the math the “Snuggie” is $19.95 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA) plus $7.95 for shipping. So that is $27.90 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA). Since it is already January, are you really going to save roughly $30 is your heating bill by turning your heat down a little between now and mid-February? You know, the very coldest part of the year, where you heat is going to run anyway? Oh and if you don’t live alone you got to dish out another $7.95 for one more, what if you live with 4 other people? Seriously, do the math, how much are you going to save?
It’s also kind of funny that you have a 30 day money back guarantee but may take six weeks to get to you, nice touch Snuggie. Oh and don’t forget that crappy book light. I would love to have been in the marketing meeting that produced this. Who was their target audience? The mentally handicapped?
You know what, I got a closet full of “Snuggies” in a lot more colors than the three that they offer on TV. And I will get them to you a hell of a lot quicker than six weeks. So send me $20 bucks and I will send you a robe, uhh, I mean a “Snuggie”. And if you order now, I will give you the opportunity to order our new two piece, fully enclosed “Snuggie” called sweatpants and a sweatshirt or sweater.
Oh and the “Shamwow”, give me a break. Shammys have been around for years and years. If I went to one of my friend’s house and they had a “Shamwow” as a bathmat I would laugh right in their face.
The people who buy this stuff must be the tinfoil hat wearing population of America.
But the worst of all is the late night electric wheelchair commercials from the Scooter Store. Have you seen the one where it looks like they left the door to the old folk’s home open? They show all of these senior citizens roaming town in their “powerchair”. First off, my grandmother had one of these and she couldn’t drive it for shit. You could tell everywhere she had been because the walls where all fucked up where she was running into stuff. Since she couldn’t drive it in her house, do you really think ANYONE would let her drive it to town? Where other cars where? And secondly it looks like a geriatric biker gang. They looked like the Hells Door Step Angels. Come on Scooter Store, do you watch your own commercials? If you really wanted to show what life with a powerchair is like, show the old people riding them with motorcycle helmets on and offer some kind of discount on doorframe repair. Oh and Scooter Store, just as a bit of free advice your R&D department might want to take a look at bumper cars. Seriously, pad the edges.
Oh and the damn watering globe, Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ, how lazy are you that you can’t pour some water into a pot every now and then. Shit, do like we do, just let them die a quick death. Don’t fill the plant with false hope that it might actually live.
But I do want one of those sliders grill things.
Don’t get dead
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Turn the tables on them
For some reason I have noticed that people have been bragging about their road rage lately, which I don’t get. I am not sure but I think in the Dallas area there are road rage police who patrol in unmarked cars. So why would someone brag on acting like an ass?
But here is how to have a little fun and turn the tables on people like that. Go to a toy store and buy a bunch of rubber spiders. Then you have to be able to act a little.
So here you are going down the road and someone pulls up beside you raising hell, what you have to do is to get them to roll down the window. Either by pretending that you can’t hear them or by yelling back at them. So roll your window down and get them to roll their window down then just toss one of those rubber spiders into their car.
Then just watch the hijinks, usually in your rear view mirror. Typically they slam on the brakes and sometimes if you lucky, they will slam into either a guard rail or a median divider.
What are they going to do, call the cops on you? What would they tell them, “You see officer, I was road raging when this guy threw a rubber spider into my car.”? Yeah…
Don’t get dead
But here is how to have a little fun and turn the tables on people like that. Go to a toy store and buy a bunch of rubber spiders. Then you have to be able to act a little.
So here you are going down the road and someone pulls up beside you raising hell, what you have to do is to get them to roll down the window. Either by pretending that you can’t hear them or by yelling back at them. So roll your window down and get them to roll their window down then just toss one of those rubber spiders into their car.
Then just watch the hijinks, usually in your rear view mirror. Typically they slam on the brakes and sometimes if you lucky, they will slam into either a guard rail or a median divider.
What are they going to do, call the cops on you? What would they tell them, “You see officer, I was road raging when this guy threw a rubber spider into my car.”? Yeah…
Don’t get dead
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