The first round is on the house

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to own a bar and grill. I know the T.V. show Cheers has to be partly to blame. But I always thought it would be kind of cool and fun to have a place. But not just any bar, THE bar. The kind of place that was packed every night, with a line to get in that ran down the street.

To have a place like that I would think that you would need three key factors, a prime location, a great atmosphere and specialty food and drinks. Location is out of my control, I would have to hire someone to create the right atmosphere so that leaves the food and drinks. So I thought I would give putting together some house specials.

Let’s start with some the food.

The Urban Meyer sandwich – go to the store and get your favorite pre-made sandwich, eat half of it and proclaim it to be the best sandwich ever. Then you have your wife call 9-1-1, and then let everyone know that you are finished with the sandwich. Wait a couple of minutes and decide that you are going to continue eating the sandwich. After a couple of minutes more decide that you are done with the sandwich. A few minutes later proclaim that you don’t know if you are going to eat the sandwich or not but that you are going to be associated with the sandwich in some way.

The Gulf of Mexico sandwich – start with a piece of Mahi Mahi, Red Snapper, Mackerel, Amberjack and Anchovies into a hoagie roll. Add a scoop of tuna salad and several fried shrimp. Top with lots and lots of oil and vinegar, but mostly oil.

The Obama sandwich – this sandwich contains the meat from the left wing of a vulture, add a several slices of Swiss cheese with lots of holes, and then add several slices of baloney and top with mole sauce. This sandwich goes well with the mixed drink The Congress listed below.

Let’s move on to the drinks.

The Congress – in a big glass blender pour in a large can of mixed nuts, a bottle of w(h)ine, a couple of fruits, then add a couple of cut up hotdogs (because we all know what hotdogs are made out of), and top it off with a large helping of the manure of a bull. Mix well and try to choke it back and not get sick.

The Toyota – equal parts sake and Red Bull poured into a glass lined with an 8-ball of speed.

The Tiger Woods – mix sake, Ripple, 14 blonde ale beers, a shot of wheat grass and a shot of Norwegian vodka in a dented shaker with “fore” ice cubes. Serve in a Bloody Mary glass. You’ll be sure to be selling buuuuuuicks at the porcelain water hazard later.

The O.J. Simpson – it is a can of slice and a Bloody Mary. First you drink a slice and then the Bloody Mary.

The Gangbang – start with a Shirley Temple in a high ball glass, add a shot of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Evan Williams and Jose Cuervo. Shake vigorously and top with some Sam Adams.

The Tim Tebow – equal parts Gatorade and holy water poured into an old fashion glass where the rim is lined with freshly chopped onion, you know for the tears.

I am working on a drink called the Kim Jong Il but I don’t know how to get bat shit crazy into a glass. This place is going to rule right?

- Don’t get dead

Furniture Game

In a few days I am closing on a new house. And as is probably typical with most new home owners I am buying new furniture to fit the new house “theme” or whatever. Anyway, I am buying new furniture.

I don’t know what it is about furniture and car sales people but they bug the shit out of me. Just leave me alone. I know that if I have a question about something that you will be happy to answer it for me, got it, now go away. But they won’t go away, they are like freaking gnats. So I have had enough and started to have some fun with them.

We all know that theses sales leaches hang out by the front door just waiting for some fresh meat to walk in the door. Seriously tiger sharks are more courteous. So do what you can to throw them off of their game before they get you in their clutches. And they are going to get you, they always do. I mean you are going into their den or where ever leaches hang out.

• When they come up to you avoid them like they are paparazzi. And go the distance, put your hands up as if to block a picture of your face from being taken, put your arm over your eyes, the whole nine yards.
• Run from them as if you were playing freeze tag.
• Run from them in a zig-zag pattern as if it was a maze or slalom race course.
• One of my personal favorites is to walk in, once you seem them starting to move towards you, turn around and walk back out of the store. Do this a few times in a row.

So now you are in and you have been “greeted”, don’t give in.

• Introduce yourself to every sales person that you see and tell them that if there is anything that you can help them with, don’t hesitate to ask. Then just follow them around hanging back about ten feet or so.
• Ask a sales person for a price on something that is not marked, then see how many people you can get to go find you a price for it as well before the first one gets back.• Run from piece to piece hiding behind them as if you are trying not to be seen. Every now and then peep over a piece at the sales person. Get the big eyes then duck back down and run to the next piece.
• Ask the sales person to sit beside you on a couch so that you can see how easy it is to put your arm around someone because you are looking for your new “mackin” couch.
• When the sales person says to try out a couch, run and jump into it feet first and then lie over the arm of the couch or flip over and lay upside down on it. Tell them that this is going into the kids’ playroom.
• Tell the sales person to lay down with you on the couch because you and the wife likes to (use finger quotes) “snuggle” on the couch and that the sales person is about the same size as your wife, regardless of the size of the sales person.
• When looking at bedroom furniture ask the sales person if they think that a child’s body would fit into one of the dresser drawers.• When trying out a mattress lay flat on your back with your arms crossed palms down, up by your shoulders as if you were dead and posed that way. Stay very still and lay there for a while.
• Walk up to a piece of furniture and put your hand out flat at crotch level as if you were going to show someone how tall something was. Do a couple of pelvic thrust and say out loud, “This simply won’t do” and go to another piece of furniture.
• When looking at anything with drawers in it comment on how much weed, blow, horse, cheese or any other slang drug name do they think would fit into that drawer. For instance, “Man you could put a shitload of weed in that drawer” or “I bet I could easily get an entire key of some fine Columbian blow in that drawer, what do you think?”
• Ask the sales person if they think that the piece of furniture would hide a hole in a wall…about the size of an escape tunnel.
• Lay on a bed with your arms and legs stretched out into the shape of an X. Then say aloud, “I just can’t tell” and ask the sales person to lay on the bed in the same way. Then out loud estimate how much rope you would need to tie them to the bed.
• Ask the sales person if the bed is flame retardant. If asked why simply say, “Oh no reason” and walk away.
• Pick up random accessories and ask if they think and camera would fit in it. Again if asked why just tell them no reason and then put it down and walk away.
• Every time you look at a couch ask if it comes in Naugahyde.
• While looking at bedroom furniture, ask if they think the dresser would support your weight. Tell them that you sometimes like to wear a mask and cape and jump into bed from the dresser.
• Ask how hard would it be to cut through and particular piece of furniture with a chainsaw if it were …say …propped up against a door.
• Make your way over to the couches that have cup holders in them, point to the plastic cup holders and ask if the spit cups are extra.
• Ask the sales person if the piece you are looking at looks too (pick an ethnic group). Such as does this dining room set look too Jewy? Or is this couch too white trash? Change it up and keep asking.
• Tell them that you are looking for a replacement piece. Then take a piece of crime scene tape and lay on the furniture then step back and take a look at it from a distance. Then ask how fast they can deliver it.
• When looking at dining room chairs use them as if in a dance routine. Either jazz dance or Flashdance.
• Ask over and over again for each piece that you look at how well it repels blood, semen and animal hair.
• Ask what the measurements of random large objects are. When they ask how big of a piece do you need, tell them “big enough to cover a very large blood stai….to cover a large stain” and move on.
• Ask if the material holds in “fart smells”

Have I mentioned how my wife hates shopping with me? I have no idea why.

- Don’t get dead

Ring Music

I have a few friends who have songs that play when you call them while their phone is ringing. Not like ringtones but like hold music, meaning I hear it on my phone until they answer or the call goes to voicemail. And typically the music reflects their personalities.

I think that support groups should do this too. And they should put me in charge of picking the music. I bet I could have the hold times down to no time at all.

Like if someone called Over Eaters Anonymous they would hear Going the Distance by the band Cake? Or maybe Eat It by Weird Al.

Or these others support groups and heard these songs

Suicide Hot Line
- Jump by Van Halen
- Hurt by Nine Inch Nails
- Suicide Solution by Ozzy Osborne

Gamblers Anonymous
- The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

Debt & Finical Support Group
- Money by Pink Floyd

Alcoholics Anonymous
- One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer by George Thorogood
- I Drink Alone by George Thorogood
- Have a Drink On Me by AC/DC

ADHD Support Group
- Stop, Hey What’s That Sound by Buffalo Springfield

Divorce Recovery Support Group
- D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette

Road Rage Support Group
- I Can’t Drive 55 by Sammy Hagar

Masturbation Addiction Recovery
- I Touch Myself by The Divinyls

Cross Dressers Anonymous
- Dude Looks Like A Lady by Aerosmith

Sex Addicts Anonymous
- Boom! I Fucked Your Boyfriend by 20 Fingers
- Fat Bottom Girls by Queen
- Welcome to the Fuck Shop by 2 Live Crew

Drug Addicts Anonymous
- Cocaine by Eric Clapton
- Lit Up by Buckcherry
- Hits from the Bong by Cypress Hill
- Mary Jane by Rick James

Adulterers Anonymous
- Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
- Community Property by Steel Panther

Abstinence Support Group
- C’mon And Love Me by Kiss
- Calling Dr. Love by Kiss

Herpes Support Group
- Breakout by the Foo Fighters

Chronic Pain Support Group
- Numb by Nine Inch Nails

Self-Cutters Anonymous
- Cuts Like a Knife by Brian Adams

Stop Smoking Support Group
- Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple
- Smoking in the Boys Room by Brownsville Station

Shoplifters Self Help
- Wrap It Up by The Fabulous Thunderbirds

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous
- One Hand in my Pocket by Alanis Morissette

Strip Club Addiction Support Group
- Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue

Booger Eaters Anonymous
- Taste Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

Dog Fighters Anonymous
- Who Let The Dogs Out by the Baja Men
- Bark at the Moon by Ozzy Osborne

Chicken Fighters Anonymous
- Feathers by Coheed and Cambria

Blood Drinkers Anonymous
- The Red by Chevelle

Codependency Support Group
- With or Without You by U2

Diabetes Support Group
- Sugar, Sugar by The Archies

Insomnia Support Group
- Up All Night by Slaughter

Loneliness Support Group
- One by Metallica
- One (is the Loneliest Number) by Three Dog Night
- I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry by Hank Williams

Bereavement Support Group
- Another One Bites the Dust by Queen

Coming Out Support Group
- Changes by Tesla
- The Real Me by The Who

Seizure Support Group
- Freak Out by Le Freak

Blindness Support Group

- I Can See Clearly Now by Jimmy Cliff
- Seeing Things by The Black Crows

Menopause Support Group
- Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Vasectomy Support Group
- Cuts Like A Knife by Brian Adams
- Balls To The Wall by Accept

Impotence Support Group
- Willie The Wimp by Stevie Ray Vaughn

IBS Self-Help and Support Group
- That Smell by Lynyrd Skynyrd



- Don’t get dead

Either do it or don’t but don’t jack up traffic

The other day while on my way to work I was listening to the radio for local traffic, news and weather just like most people do. I don’t like rush hour traffic any more than anyone else, matter of fact I probably hate it more than others.

During the traffic segment the reporter was talking about a jumper on one of the local bridges and how traffic was backed up.

If I didn’t have a meeting that morning I would have made my way over to the bridge where the jumper is, why because I had my iPod in the car.

You see these pricks are so starved for attention that they screw up everyone else’s day so that they get noticed.

So I have now created my jumper iPod playlist. The next time I hear about some goof on the roof of a building or a bridge I am going to make my way over and crank up my playlist which consist of the songs:

Jump by Van Halen (might as well jump)
Bodies by Drowning Pool (let the bodies hit the floor)
Fly by Sugar Ray (spread your wings and fly)
Let’s Go All The Way by Sly Fox
Jumper by Third Eye Blind
Jumping Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones
Time for Me to Fly by REO Speedwagon
Boulevard by Jackson Browne
Another One Bites the Dust by Queen
Jump by Kriss Kross
(I Just) Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew
Die Die My Darling by the Misfits
Catch Me I’m Falling by Pretty Poison
Free Falling by Tom Petty
Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz
Suicide Solution by Ozzy Osborne
Fly to the Angles by Slaughter
The Bird by The Time

Think that will get to point across?

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Anyone where CONTACT LENSES if so could you help me here?? (My first time...)

Dear Sweezey,

Ok, well Im needing to get GLASSES bad as to I am blind as a bat lol. My question is, where is the best place to go get an EXAM, AND GET CONTACT LENSES that are affordable and good? But here is the thing, I know you have your DAILIES, WEEKS, THROW AWAYS ETC, BUT WTF DO I CHOOSE?? AND HOW DO I DO IT?

I want ones that I can get like six months, hell even up to a year at a time, but Id be grateful for SIX MONTHS at a time! Also, how much do they usually cost? I was wanting to get colored ones too. Im just trying to weigh my options as to where to go.

And YES, I CAN AFFORD EVERYTHING!!!

Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I am going to go easy on you for the spelling and grammar on this one. But after reading your letter my best advice to you would be to go to A FUCKING OPTOMETRIST! Just an idea.

I swear I am starting to worry about you people. Do you all live under powerlines? Does your microwave have a door that actually closes? Eat a lot of paint chips or someting?

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - My loser husband can't find a good paying job

Dear Sweezey,

My loser husband can't find a good paying job. He is a life long car salesman has not only bankruped our family with his silly jobs, but we've also lost our home to foreclosure and now i'm BEYOND pissed off. If he can't find a FULL TIME, decent paying job (with benefits) by the end of April, I'll be forced into looking for work just to pay some bills around here. This is NOT what I was planning on doing in my 40's. He hasn't even saved a dime for our retirement either. Wish that I could turn the clock back 25+ years and do things differently, but for now i'm stuck with an unemployable moron.

- Done in Dallas


Dear Done,

What do you want me to do about this? I’m not hiring. But let me see if I can help anyway.

So let me get this right. Your husband is the one that was, and probably always was, the one in the relationship who was working and somehow he is the loser? Yeeaahhhhh.

Here is the deal, you sound like a lazy bitch to me. I don’t know you but I do see that you don’t want to get off of your ass to get a job. So your house got foreclosed on and it is somehow his fault? I am sure that it has nothing to do with the entire nation being in turmoil huh. It has nothing to do with the country being in a recession at all, no that can’t be it.

So you are now beyond pissed huh. And if he can’t find a good paying full time job with benefits and a company car and a huge office with a corporate credit card or whatever the hell other bullshit demands that you have, you will be forced to look for a job huh? Considering that you don’t know that “I’m” is supposed to have a capital “I” and that the correct spelling of bankruped is bankrupted and “life long” is actually one word, I say good luck with that job hunt. I bet your resume looks like a monkey wrote it. I hope that you have some highly desirable skill set. But I can’t think of anything that is going to pay worth a damn that you can do with a mediocre, at best, command of the English language and grammar. If you don’t have enough sense to use spell check, how are you going to be able to get a job paying enough to elevate you back to queen bee status?

Now, as far as the retirement, I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me thinks why would he want to put something away for some ungrateful hag to blow? Then again, I see that you didn’t do anything to either encourage him to save or take the money you blew and put it into a rainy day savings on your own. You two are in this relationship together, sadly for him.

Nowhere in your letter did you explain what you have done for your relationship. What did you do in the past that is so fantastic? What makes you so great that you can’t join the workforce unless you have to? Why don’t you take the Marlboro 100 out of your sorry mouth and start picking up the place? Its call initiative, you should look it up. (Pssst, try dictionary.com!)

If you were worth a crap you should kiss his ass for taking care of you for this long while you didn’t do shit and let him know that you are there for him and that you two are going to do what it takes to get through this hard time in life together. But I am sure that you are far too good for that.

So this isn’t what you had planned on doing in your 40’s? That reminds me of an old Russian saying, “Tough Shitski!” I bet your husband didn’t plan on being legally bound to some ungrateful leach for 25+ years either. I find it funny that you call him a moron, yet you have apparently done nothing to better the situation until you are forced to. You heard about people who live in glass houses right?

I hope that your husband does get a great job and very soon. And then I hope he takes some of the money from his first paycheck and hire a divorce lawyer. I bet you would change your tune then.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Great show idea!

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Nope, It’s Me

You know, it’s amazing that I am not in jail or at least getting my ass kicked on a regular basis. I have never hidden the fact that I like things a certain way, everything from my house to my food. Ask my builder, he will tell you what a pain in the ass I am. But don’t ask the staff at Wendy’s, they will just tell you that I am a prick and … well, I can’t really argue with them.

You see one night I was coming home really late from a card game and wanted a spicy chicken sandwich. But I am funny about how I like them. For some reason I am not a fan of hot mayonnaise. It is just gross to me. And after a card game one night, around 2:00 AM, I am damn sure not a fan of it.

As you can probably imagine the dining room was closed and only the drive-thru was open. Like a good little fast food patron I wait in line, place my order without mayo, pay for it and pull out of the way once I get my food. I actually pulled into a parking spot, reached into the bag and pulled out this chicken sandwich that was covered in hot, greasy mayo.

Since I was already parked I just walked up to the drive-thru window between the car that just left and the car that was next in line and explained that my order was wrong to the lovely young (extreme sarcasm) lady.

Get this, this bitch wanted me to get back in my car, go to the back of the drive-thru line which wrapped around the building and then reorder my food.

No, fuck you tons of fun, I already waited in that long as line one time and you guys jacked up my order, not me! So I explained that I wasn’t going to do that and that I just wanted my food the way that I ordered it. In a huff this bitch closes the window on me while I am standing there and just steps away. That’s when I turned into the incredible a-hole.

I take the sandwich out of the wrapper and tap on the window. When Attila looks over, I open the sandwich dropping the chicken on the ground and taking the bun and smearing the mayo down both sides of the window and walk back to my car.

Some of the people in line cheered and honked their horn. But Attila stuck one of her ham hock arms and pumpkin head out of the window yelling at me that I had to “clean this shit up”. I turned to her and told her that she would have to go to the end of the line. I know, very childish. To which she responded with a one finger hand sign. I think it was a gang sign. Haha

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Men.....

Dear Sweezey,

Just seems like all men want is sex. They make promise after promise with no intention of actually following through. I don't want anything but honesty...can't understand why men don't give that? I think I am going to just stay away from all of them. It's just easier.

Thanks in advance,

Everywhere

Dear Everywhere,

Are you saying that you are going to start fighting for the lesbinease? Hell yeah!

But to answer your question if you keep falling for the same thing over and over men think that is what you want, because you keep doing it. I know that if I see someone doing the same thing over and over again I think they like it. It’s almost Pavlovian.

So you see it’s really your fault because you are misleading men. How dare you for point fingers at innocent men who go out of their way to lie to you simply to make you happy. You know these men are going out of their way just to please you. Shame on you!

And yeah, you’re right. All men what is sex. You’re not really breaking the news with that revelation.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Question for women

Dear Sweezey,

I know that this may sound dumb but, I recently caught my wife cheating on me. I walked in and caught her bent over the couch. We had never done this before and my question is do women like to be bent over and fucked? I always thought that it would be uncomfortable.

- Big D

Dear Big D,

You catch your wife cheating and that’s your question? Seriously? You didn’t ask about a good divorce lawyer or if you might catch something from her, who should move out or any of that stuff? You didn’t even ask if you would have gone to jail if you shot him. You got one messed up relationship dude.

At least now you know why the couch smells like that.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Daddy's Guitar

Dear Sweezey,

I am having to sell my father's guitar. He was a bass player for Billy Haley and the Comets. My father got the name "Comets" because he got drunk off Pabst Blue Ribbon one night and saw one. Anyways, this guitar was personally signed by Haley himself and my father was very grateful for him. Bill used to sing us songs when we were kids. Anyways, a man from Memphis offered $88,000 for the guitar and I am psyched that its worth that much but I am sad to see it go. I am a laid off factory worker here from Little Rock, I'm 52 years old with nothing but 22 years working for a packing company for 22 years and nothing, I have nothing.

What should I do? Do you think that I should sell it or hold out and see if I can get more for it?

Thanks for your help,

Jr. Bass


Dear Jr.,

Are you following in your daddy’s footsteps with the PBR right now? Hell yeah you should sell it! Your ass is broke with no job. Hell, 88K is more that some people make in a year.

And since you obviously don’t make real smart finical decisions let me help you out a little bit. Just as soon as you get your money, go to Office Depot and buy a sharpie then go to your bank, assuming you have a bank account (if not open one) and put the rest of the money in the bank and DON’T TOUCH IT. Ever! And if you think you need to get some of that money out kick yourself in the nuts first. You’re 52 and don’t have shit? The last think you need to do is blow your genetic lottery winnings.

Why the sharpie? Well a couple of months ago I had a garage sale where I sold a circular saw that Elvis signed for $50. I also sold a kitchen clock that Jimi Hendrix signed for $17 and the vacuum cleaner that Stevie Ray Vaughn used to vacuum my living room then signed, I got $40 for it. When I get home Kurt Cobain is going to sign a baseball cap. Get it? Take a picture of that autograph and practice, practice, practice!

If I was you, the bass player for Bill Haley and the Comets son (yikes), Bill Haley would have signed every book, toaster, article of clothing and anything else that I could find in my house. Bill Haley would be signing boxes of macaroni and cheese just as soon as I got home.

Hope this helps,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

This weekend

For those of you who don’t know, I live in the Dallas area. And people around here think that the world is about to end. Not because of all of the recent earthquakes or the volcano in Iceland or the Mayan calendar or anything like that. Nope nothing like that. They think it’s because we had a big snow storm last winter and we have gotten more rain than usual this year.

Now the rain is really causing problems flooding, traffic problems and even a small landslide.

We even got more rain over the weekend. And it really has a lot of people up in arms. Because of the flooding you may ask? Nope. Traffic? Not so much. Landslides? Oh, swing and a miss! Nope, the rain over the weekend jacked up a NASCAR race. OH THE HORROR!!

It was the lead story on pretty much every news outlet. You would have thought that someone was giving away money by the amount of coverage that it got. Nothing on what’s going on in the Middle East, nothing on what the president is doing, noting on the stock market. Nope none of that unimportant stuff, we didn’t get to have the NASCAR race was top dog.

So the rain kept the races from happening over the weekend and this morning again, it’s the lead story on all of the local news outlets. The big story now is that they are going to finish the race today but not everyone is going to be able to see the race. Apparently the last time they finished a race on a Monday there were eighty thousand people there and the track hoped to beat that record today.

I really don’t see how that will be so hard. I saw the aerial footage of the track parking and it looks to me like most of the fans brought their houses with them.

- Don’t get dead

New Superheroes

Of course growing up every boy wanted to be a superhero. There were the usual guys, Captain America, Superman, Batman, Spiderman, The Green Hornet and so on. Then there were some new superheroes in that Ben Stiller movie. One guy had a special bowling ball and I think there was a guy with some forks or something, I don’t remember exactly. But the thing about those guys is that that all had special powers. I think that it is time for people with normal powers to become heroes.

As I was thinking about how we need some new Superheroes I heard about this new movie “Kick Ass” that is about ordinary people without super powers making themselves Super Heroes. I saw on the news there are these people running around NYC donning capes and mask. So I know there are others who have been thinking like me.

For instance there could be “Annoy The Hell Out Of You Man”. His powers would be something like clearing his throat over and over, or maybe some weird non-stop laughing. He would just frustrate the bad guys into giving up.

What about “Body Odor Man”. His superpower could be that he smells of rotting maggots. All he would need would be a big fan that he could point at the bad guys and stand between the fan and the bad guys. I would think it would be hard to commit crimes while dry heaving uncontrollably.

“Long Story Man” would tell the longest, boring, no point having stories without letting the bad guy get a word in edgewise. While he assaults the bad guys eardrums and holds them hostage until the police get there or the hostages have time to devise an escape plan or whatever. This hero is most effective when he is older in life.

What about “Hairy Fat Man in a Speedo… Man”! His powers are obvious, complete distraction. Seriously, who could look away from that train wreck?

There also could be “Know It All Man”. He would be able to disarm/distract the crook by telling them how he could escape from the knot that they used to tie up the hostages or how the explosive they devised isn’t strong enough to bust through the wall and he could build a better one. This hero is most effective by causing the criminals to run head first into the closest brick wall.

Oh and what about “Mega Bitch Woman”! She would be able to fight crime by nonstop nagging and constant bitching until the bad guys would turn their weapons on themselves. I bet that if there were several of these heroines and if enough of them hang out together, in time they will be able fight unthinkable amounts of crime all at the same time. Probably even rid the world of crime all together. All while telling you how you are doing it wrong. The only downside is that she would only be able to fight crime once a month for about a week.

- Don’t get dead

Masculinity on a serious decline

A recent survey by research group Dewey, Cheatem & Howe shows that there is a huge decline in masculinity among men in the United States.  That’s right the new survey shows a two thirds drop over the last year.

  The reason isn’t that men have stopped drinking beer and martinis in favor of mojitos and daiquiris.  Or that men have stopped working on cars or quit wood working.  There is no drop in the amount of men who weld or ride motorcycles.  And only a slight decrease in the number of men who work in their lawns, but not enough to affect the survey.

  So you may be asking what is causing the drop. Blackberrys, iPhones and so on are to blame.  Yes, that’s right, the ole twitter from the shitter is to blame.  This survey shows that two thirds more men are sitting to pee because of checking facebook or their fantasy league on their smartphone while taking a squirt.

  Standing to pee, there’s no app for that.

  -- Don’t get dead

Game Shows

I have decided that the American TV audience needs some new games shows, prime time game shows at that. So I have decided to help out the networks with my game show ideas. Maybe it’s just me but I would watch these.

Faking It – The contestant is dressed appropriately for a profession and they have to see how long they can last before someone calls them out. The longer they make it the more cash and prizes they win.

Lit Up – A game where people are asked questions either from the news and current events or common sense type questions. Every time that they get a question wrong, they get shocked with a taser.

Strip Geography – That’s right, if you can’t find Iraq on a map you got to show the nation your Willie!

Project X – A game show where you take repeat offender and run medical experiments on them. I don’t quite know how to make a “game” out of it but I like the idea.

Hazing – A game show where contestants have to go through college hazing for cash and prizes. But it’s not just going through the task that helps you win prizes. No, no, no, it’s not that easy. You have to decide what the sponsor for that prize would think. For example, say the prize is a new car. To win the car you are brought into a room with a door on the left and a door on the right. You are handed a condom and told that there is a goat behind the door on the right and the door on the left leads you back stage. What do you do? How bad do you want the new car? Do you think that the announcer is going to say, “This instance of bestiality is brought to you by Ford”? I don’t think so either. So if you decide to poke a goat you lose it all but if you decide to only put your pecker in your own species then you win the new car. Or maybe you have to drink a cup of spit to win Ozarka water for life. Let a blind person give you a hair cut that you have to keep for a month to win Toni and Guy gift certificates?

Gut Buster – Contestants are fed tons of greasy junk food followed by pots of strong black coffee. Whoever stays clean the longest wins!

Crazy or Not Crazy – Contestants sit on a panel and ask a guest questions to see if they can figure out if the guest is a loon. Questions like how many cats do you have? How many stuffed Disney characters are in your bedroom? How many times in a row would you call someone’s cell phone (psycho dial) if you where trying to get a hold of them? Or maybe, what’s inside your medicine chest at home? Do you think that the government is following you? Have you ever been abducted by aliens? Correct guesses get your prizes.

What would you sacrifice? – A game show where all of the contestants have a need (food, money, job, car, etc.) which they can win. But they will have to sacrifice something (toe, ear, dignity, spouse, whatever). So to win, they have to lose.

Dog or starving person – This is a race game where you take various people who are starving and they have to race various dogs to win food. First one there gets the food. Sometimes it might be just a straight race, sometimes it might be an obstacle course.

Reunion – A game show where bullies are reunited with the kids that they picked on and a judge rule as to if the kid was a bully or not. The winner gets payback. Like the looser has to be strapped into labor stirrups and the winner gets a paintball gun. You can see where this is going. Or the looser is strapped down and the winner gets some thick cardstock and they get to go Edward Scissorhands on the looser.

Will This Kill Me? – Contestants have to decide if an item (food, weapon or other) would kill them. But here’s the catch, they only win cash and prizes if they don’t think that the item will kill them and they are right. Of course they have to try it to find out.

Poop or Food? – Contestants have to figure out if what’s in the bowl IS food or WAS food. Bonus points if they take a bite. Ehh, this one might be a bit much even for me.

Don’t get dead

I am a GINORMIOUS shithead

I had to run an errand at lunch today and of course it took longer than I expected. So when everything was done and I was hauling ass back to the office as fast as I can taking what I thought was a short cut, I run into traffic of course. I turn onto this side road and there I am behind these slow-ass drivers on this two lane road and I swear we didn’t get above 20 mph. So yeah, I was about to pull the steering wheel off of the steering column. I mean there is this long ass line of cars just poking along. And I know that they were all doing it on purpose, just to piss me off. After what seemed like a couple of miles I said to myself “F it!” and started to work my way though the traffic. Every chance I got I would zoom around one car, sometimes two. And even though we were packed together pretty tight I really didn’t have a problem getting in. I bet that I passed about forty cars when I thought to myself “someone should kill the asshole who is causing this backup”. Well, someone did, maybe. I found myself behind the lead car of the backup, a hearse. I had just weaved my way though a funeral procession.

There is no doubt that I am King Dickhead. And this time it was an accident! Where’s my crown?

Don’t get dead

Yep, I am still the king (asshole)

So there I am in the elevator at work on my way down to the lobby when it stops at the second floor. I am sure that I am not the only one in the elevator who wanted to get to the garage, get in their car and head home. But I am sure that I am the only one who said, “What kind of asshole can’t go DOWN one flight of stairs?!” This would be when the door opened and a girl in a wheelchair got in the elevator. Oh fucking shoot me! A couple of people chuckled and I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. Being the king kind of sucks sometimes.

Don’t get dead

Famous kids who it would suck to be

I always find it interesting how society is obsessed with what the children of famous people are doing, sort of the “they are famous for being famous” syndrome. People like the children of presidents, Michael Jackson’s kids and Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love’s kid. Probably the most famous of these are Nicky and Paris Hilton and Nichole Richey. Even Ozzy Osbourne’s kids had their fifteen minutes of fame. And they are put on a pedestal and get the royal treatment for some reason. Which has got to be great, but I got to thinking about famous people whose kids it must suck to be.

People like Ron Jeremy or John Holmes son(s). Yep, right out of the gate I am “going there”. Think about the hell it would be to be the son of one of those guys and you don’t have the same “gift” that their fathers do. Their life from the time that they are teenagers until the time that they do finally meet a woman who loved them for them and get married would be sheer hell. Funny how I doubt that Linda Lovelace’s daughter would catch hell, go figure.

Or Helen Keller’s kids as teenagers if they have any sort of morals. You know that there would be one weekend where they were grounded and it just so happens on that same weekend a friend’s parents were out of town. And said friend was having a huge party. What excuse would you have? That you where on restriction and couldn’t sneak out? Your mother is a blind, deaf, mute! You know that your friends would give you shit for the rest of your life. I mean to throw her off, move the couch or something and she would get lost and you are in the clear.

Then there is Albert Einstein’s kid(s), do you have any idea the kind of pressure you would be under to not only make the honor roll but to be the valedictorian. Anything less than an A+ and people are going to talk. And you know that Adolf Hitler’s kid would just happen to have the seat next to little Albert. Of course Adolf Jr. would force the young Einstein to let him cheat off of his papers. You think he is going to tell Adolf Hitler’s kid no? Hell no he isn’t. I mean that takes my dad can beat up your dad to a whole new level.

How bad would it suck to be Harry Houdini’s kid? All of your life people are trying to sneak up on you, tie you up and see if you can escape. Over and over again some asshole is going to run up behind you with a rope or some handcuffs and try to tie you into some pretzel shape just to see if you can get loose. Lil Dini (as his friends would call him) will have to learn how to master the junk punch at an early age.

And what about Lou Gehrig Jr. Do you think he could ever get decent life insurance that doesn’t cost him an arm and a leg? And would anyone allow him to sign any sort of long term contract? That would have to be a bitch.

Chuck Norris Jr. Oh hell yeah, little Chucky is going to tote an ass beating from day one. You know that this kid is going to have to hear “So you are a tough guy huh” and “Hiyah!” all of their freaking life, every day some smuck will think it would be funny to go up to him and do some stupid Karate Kid pose or something. The up side to this is that whole my dad can beat up your dad thing I was talking about earlier. Yeah, there will be some really pissed off dads in the neighborhood. Sore too I would imagine.

On to Casanova’s son. Look there is enough pressure to be a good lover. I damn sure wouldn’t want to be the offspring of the world’s greatest lover throughout all of history. Fuck that. If you just had one bad experience you would be toast. These bitches will talk and when they talk, they will cut you. I wouldn’t want that. What if you just wanted a quicky? You know the rumor mill would be in overdrive about how you couldn’t last. Not a chance in hell, way too much pressure.

What about Christopher Walken’s kids? I love Walken and as cool as the home life might be, that public life has got to be a pain in the ass. Because you know that you can’t just go out to eat without every half-retard in the tri-state area coming up to you and trying to do an impression, regardless of how painful, of your father. Like you don’t know what he sounds like. And I’m not going to do any impressions here, because quite frankly I have found that they don’t go over well in text.

And what about Jenny Craig’s kids? People watching every little thing that you eat and if you gain five pounds your momma has to hear about how her own kids can’t follow her plan. And you better pray that you don’t become bulimic and let anyone find out about it. Christmas would suck that year for sure.

Oh, and what about Tom Bodett’s kids! This is probably the place where you are thinking “What?! Why would it suck to be Tom Bodett’s kids?” I’ll tell you why. Because any time one of your little horny friends even thinks that there is a remote chance that they might get laid, who do you think they are going to come to looking for a free hotel room, Motel 6 or not. Oh yeah. And he can’t take her to their place because he lives with his parents and if you let that little nugget of information out you can kiss your lovin goodbye. Oh god, and after prom, can you imagine how “popular” you would be?

What about King Henry VIII’s son? Do you think he had a hard time finding a girlfriend? You damn right he did. Why? Because his daddy liked to cut women’s heads off, that’s why. And let’s be honest, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I know if I was a chick who found myself attracted to him I would have to think long and hard about it. You know, do the pros and cons thing. Pros: his family is well off, he is a nice guy, I am sure we would travel the world, we would have the finest things that the world has to offer. Cons: My head might be in a basket while my body is still on the Guillotine tomorrow. Cons wins! (just as an fyi, I know about Prince Edward/Edward VI, I’m just saying it would be tough)

And then there are the children of Louis & Clark or Christopher Columbus. You can never get lost or not know how to get somewhere if you were their kids. At some point you would just have to say “Damn, I’ve never been to Cleveland, how in the hell and I supposed to find the Denny’s on Fifth St?” or “F you and the north star, go buy a Garmin!”

One of the worst has got to be the son or daughter of Mr. Webster. No not the guy from the 80’s sitcom show, the guy who has his name on the dictionary. All day long people asking you how to spell stuff and what things mean. And you damn sure better not lose a spelling bee!

What about the children of “Tom” from myspace? Simply because everyone would want to beat your ass or his ass by proxy.

Of course there are Betty Ford’s kids. You can never have a drink in public without someone going and telling your momma to get a room ready at her clinic. What kind of shit would that be? Tough day at work and you want to come home and crack open a beer or have a glass of wine? Think again, you get to unwind with water. Thanks mom!

And don’t you think it would be tough being the son of the guy who invented the radar gun? You would be the most unpopular kid in high school and college. Some kid would seek him out and say “ I got a ticket on the way to take my finals so I was late and they locked the doors so I failed and have to take this BS class again next semester. Tell your dad to go and invent some more shit, I dare ya!”

Let’s take a journey in the way back machine and think about how bad it would suck to be the caveson of the caveman who invented the wheel. All day long Og would be trying to convince you to sneak the wheel out of the garage or to let him borrow the wheel because he has a hot date that he wants to impress. And every Tom, Dick and Uhhuhhahhahh wanting you to give them rides all over the cave. Then when you do get to take the wheel out you get busted racing a saber toothed cat. It’s just a bad situation.

One of the very worst would have to be the daughter of the guy who invented the chastity belt. You pretty much know what you are doing every Friday and Saturday night for damn near the rest of your life. Because you won’t be getting asked out on a lot of dates regardless of how pretty you are. Of course you know that if a guy does ask you out that he either really REALLY likes her for who she is or he is new in town. Then again, she might give wicked good oral… who knows maybe she won’t be home every weekend.

Ahh yes, Evil Knievel’s son. No, not Robbie, the other son. The one who is scared of heights and thinks that motorcycles are inherently dangerous. Over and over again he would get interviewed and asked why he doesn’t follow in his fathers and brothers footsteps. And over and over again he would have to tell the interviewer that he is afraid of heights and that motorcycles are dangerous. And then wait for the interviewer to try and hold back their laughter.

What about the kids of the Mexican Donkey show woman? Yeah on the surface you might get some giggles or some people might point and whisper, which would be enough. But what about on “Career Day” where you have to bring a parent to school and they stand up in front of your entire class and tell what they do for a living and answer questions from the class. She better go first because there are going to be questions… lots of questions.

And there are probably others. But I don’t know I could be wrong.

Don’t get dead

Social Networking

I love social networking websites. I mean that I LOVE them. Facebook, Myspace, you name it, I love them. Why do I love them? Oh it has nothing to do with being social or catching up with friends and/or classmates from my past, nope I just like to fuck with people. That’s pretty much it.

You see I moved away from my hometown shortly after I graduated from high school and have only been back to visit a few times since. I set up my profile on these sites without a whole lot of information about myself on it, just enough for people to know that I am actively on that site and maybe spark a little curiosity. Then I just sat back and waited for the friend request to come in. And most of the friend request that I get on these sites are accompanied with a message. Usually the message is someone telling me who they are and how I know them and things like that. I return their message as soon as I can and start a chit-chat conversation with them and find a way to ask them what they are doing for a living, are they married/do they have a family and so on, which is usually returned with them asking me what I am up to.

This is the part that I really love. I usually respond and let them know that I am in prison or jail and how excited I am that they contacted me because I am about to get out. Then I tell them that I am either going to move back home if they still live in the area that I grew up in or that I have always wanted to live in whatever area they currently live in. And that I will need a place to stay until I can get back on my feet, but with the economy the way that it is it may take a while. Then I go on about how great of a friend that they are and how proud of them that I am because of how well they are doing in life and that I am envious of the choices that they made in life. Then I start hinting around that I could use a life mentor like them.

For some reason this is where the conversation hits a lull. I wonder why?

Sometimes I like to mix it up a bit and go the hardcore, non-mainstream religious route. Snake handling, aliens, animal worship, just depends on my mood at the time. Then I ask them if they are a believer and if not I would love to talk to them about it. And that I am about to go on tour and will be in their area soon and that I hope to see them while I am there.

This too seems to cause a lull in the conversation.

And if this wasn’t enough, I have a reunion coming up in a couple of years so the timing is great. I always include how I can’t wait to see them at the reunion if I start to get the brush off. Nothing like being able to make someone uncomfortable in the future!

You would be amazed at the names your “friends” call you when you tell them that you are just screwing with them.

So if you are on or are about to join a social networking site give this a try. Nothing says it’s the holiday season like thinking that a felon or religious nut is about to come stay with you and your family during Christmas. And if you’re not on one SIGN UP NOW!

Don’t get dead

With a name like this, it has to be good (Or at least a lot of fun)!

It started out as a day like any other day. I was sitting in traffic on my way to work when I saw a food delivery service truck like these two.




But on the back of the truck that I saw there was the same white bear wearing a chef’s hat but he was hugging a donut. But the center of the donut didn’t look like a normal donut, it looked like a balloon knot.

I thought it was some kind of joke or something so I googled this company as soon as I could and it’s a real company. It’s a baked goods company from Mexico.

You know how some things translate differently from one country to another? Like how the Chevy Nova had to be renamed in Mexico because no va means no go in Spanish. So you think that they might have looked into this before they opened their operations in the states.

Maybe it’s because of where I am from, but I’m not eating bimbos! And while on their website I see that they have a recipe for crab cakes. One of the last things that I want is crabs from a bimbo, caked or not!

And I see that these bimbos are expanding into the United States, so I wonder are bimbos popular in Mexico? And all of the bimbos that I have seen so far on their site and trucks were white, so do they have other types of bimbos? Like are there chocolate bimbos? And are you looked down upon if you buy a bimbo? What if you buy a bunch of bimbos, do your friends shun you? And their honey buns, do you think that they are hot? Probably glazed? Think they are cream filled? And why is it that I think a lot of these bimbos have white powder on them?

I think I am going to have to do some bimbo research!

Don’t get dead