Looking back – Chapter 15

Every now and then I remember something from my life that I feel the need to write about, put on the web and embarrass myself about in front of the world. This would be one of those times.

With Halloween right around the corner and we are decorating the offices some co-workers and I were discussing what to dress up as that goes with our theme. I don’t know if I have ADD or something but I started to laugh a little bit to myself. And if you read here you will see that sometimes I get the giggles at the wrong time.

Of course people wanted to know what I was laughing about and I told them that it just reminded me of something and that it wasn’t really related. Well these people work with me so they know I got stories, so I had to tell this one. Although it doesn’t relate to Halloween, Christmas actually, it does relate to dressing up.

Several years ago I lived in Virginia and I met and ran with a pretty crazy bunch, read about it HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE. This time was no different.

Let me set the scene for you, four guys (myself, Drew, Winters and Phil) who can’t get home for Christmas who decided to meet at Winters house in VERY rural Virginia. The reason we were not able to get to our home towns was mostly money. Since we had saved money but didn’t save enough, you have four young adult guys with a decent load of cash and nothing to do, so yeah we got pretty drunk. Now we are drunk and bored, not good, not good at all.

We decided that we would go spread some Christmas cheer to the other townspeople. But not without the proper attire, so we raided Winters moms closet. (Side note, Winters family is all in California, which is where his mom was at this time) I don’t recall exactly who had what on but between the four of us there was a rain hat like the Morton salt guy, someone else had on the rain coat, a big cotton bath robe, some wild hats and various other items. I do remember that I had on some sort of silky robe and a beret or something like that. Oh and Phil had on some sort of house shoes shaped like ducks. Big ass yellow rubber ducks.

So we all loaded into my car, MY CAR, MY DAMN CAR, and head off to a neighboring town. As we are rolling down one street Drew yells out “STOP!” Now I have no idea what for so I stopped pretty quickly. Genius boy hops out of the car and runs into someone’s front yard toward a string of lights which were adorning the top of a fence. About half way through the sprint, Drew does an about face and DIVES back in the car yelling, “GO GO GO!!!” So I stood on the gas to get out of there. We all asked as the same time, “what happened?!” He tells us that he wanted to see if it was true that if you pulled one light out the whole string would go out, so that’s why he hoped out but he said he heard a man say “Oh no you don’t!” followed by the sound of a pump shotgun cock.

Once we are safely away we all got a chuckle out of it and we are still riding through town. It would be just about the time that our blood pressure had gotten back to normal levels that we pass THE ONLY FUCKING SHERRIF CAR ON DUTY that night when one of the guys says it looked like it was on the CB and pointing at our car. We joked that he was saying, “Hey, there goes a (my color and make of car) right there”. Well I will be dammed if that isn’t what he was saying because he bird-dogged our asses so quick we had no idea what was going on. It had to look like someone was getting it on as we are shedding our incognito attire and cramming beers any and everywhere we could find. Just about the time that we pull off our “costumes” we hear the sheriff over his PA system say, “You two in the front seats, get out of the car” so Drew and I get out and they separate us and ask us what was going on.

I am with the sheriff and he doesn’t look real happy while Drew is with a deputy. The only thing that kept going through my mind was “don’t get a DUI on Christmas in this godforsaken town out in the middle of nowhere”. I am sure that the dueling banjos scene from “Deliverance” was playing too. The sheriff asked me what we were up to and I told him everything, hell I would have given him a reach around if I thought it would keep me from going to jail that night. So I tell my story and then they open the back doors of their car and tell us to get in, OH FUCK ME! So there we are in the back seat when the sheriff asks Drew what we were up to and he starts to lay on some BS about one of the guys in the back seat farted and how it was making him sick, which is why he jumped out of the car. In about a half second I had to decide if I was going to choke this asshole in the back seat of a sheriff’s car or if I was going to have to set the story straight. Fortunately, I chose the second one. The whole time making promises to God if he would keep me out of jail. So Drew and I are exchanging dirty looks while the sheriff and the deputy are taking down our information.

Shortly there after, they get out of the car and opened the doors to the back seat and told us to step out. After we got out they told us to stay there and the sheriff gets on the PA again and tells the two in the back seat to get out.

Now you would have thought that in the SEVERAL minutes that had passed while Drew and I were being questioned that the two jackasses in the backseat would have gotten their collective shit together, WRONG!

I am standing next to the sheriff by the drives door and Drew is standing next to the deputy on the passenger door of their cruiser. Winters and Phil get out of the car and Phil is still wearing the duck slippers. I look over and the cops have saucer eyes and raised eyebrows. It was at this time that I had an involuntary reaction, I blurted out, “OH FUCK ME!” I thought that I was home free and then dildo Phil, Phildo, is wearing the damn duck slippers still.

The sheriff motions them over and the six of us have a little pow-wow, where at one point the sheriff says, “It appears to me that you boys might have been doing a little drinking tonight” which Phildo follows up with, “no shit”. Thanks jack ass, I hope Bubba picks you to be his Christmas bitch while we are in jail. After a lecture in the freezing we had a conversation that went like this.

Sheriff – “Why don’t you boys go ahead and follow the sun out of town.”

Phildo – “But it is night time”

Me – “Shut the fuck up Phil!”

Phildo – “Well it is!”

Me – “PHIL, SHUT UP!”

Phildo – “But dude, it is dark out, see (pointing to the sky)”

Me – “Get in the fucking car. I will explain it to you later”

Sherrif – “Good idea”

So we walk off towards my car when Phil says, “Hey, I think we just got kicked out of this town!” which was followed by a collective “SHUT UP PHIL!”

I will have to save what happened on Christmas day until a little closer to Christmas.

Don’t get dead

Looking back, we will call this chapter 12

Bachelor Party

Ahh yes, several years back my buddy, who I got in all of my trouble with, got married. As customary we through him a bachelor party. I was already living in Texas at the time and although I was to be there a few days early because I was in the wedding, I would not have missed this party anyway.

Some of the details of the party are a bit sketchy, but that’s a sign of a good party right?

A couple of days before the party most of the bridal party rolled into town. On like Tuesday or Wednesday there was some sort of wrestling event in a town a couple of hours away and the groom wanted to go so we packed the cooler and headed out on a road trip. As pretty much SOP for this particular week, we got there with a buzz and begin to taunt the wrestlers, who could have snapped us in half without even breaking a sweat. Side note: we were on the front row and the smell of Bengay, Icy Hot and Tiger Balm was running rampant.

After we have our testosterone fix we head back to my buddy’s place. Where we pretty much walked in, found a place to fall and crashed there. This is until the next morning when the girls from the bridal party woke us.

Get this, they didn’t call to wake us, no no no, they drove over because they knew that a phone call wasn’t going to cut it. Not only did they drive over, they stopped and got us breakfast on the way. How rockin are these chicks? Oh and get this, they didn’t wake us because we had wedding stuff to do, nope they woke us because they knew we had a tee time and had been drinking the night before. Did I mention that my buddy married a damn good woman? It was like I won some kind of contest or something, strange chicks wakes us up, brings us food just so we wont miss our tee time, they are not bitching about anything, it doesn’t cost me anything AND I don’t have to do anything in return. Damn that was a good day.

So I guess that was Thursday. We played golf and drank too much, typical stuff.

The next day is the day of the bachelor party. We pretty much laid low all day. Then, came time for the party so we rolled over to my one of my buddy’s co-workers place, start drinking and wait for the “entertainment” to get there. No details to see here, guy code and all.

After the entertainment leaves we all sat around and fisted each other. Nah, just kidding!

We went to a hotel where we had rooms reserved, you know the whole can’t see each other before the ceremony thing. So there we are, groom, groomsmen, and some ushers hanging out in the grooms room doing typical stuff like asking him if he is nervous yet and what not. About this time the topic of sleeping arrangements came up, oh yeah I guess we better figure that out real quick. So we get everything figured out and decide that we better turn in soon because of the big day the next day when these two scrotum sacks decided that they still wanted to party. We all tell them that is not a good idea plus neither of them had a car there so if they did want to go somewhere they would have to walk and we were no where near town. They decide to hit the bars anyway … walking. This was good for me because they were supposed to be rooming with me. Happy trails mofos!

So they leave and the rest of us are shooting the breeze for a bit when one of the other groomsmen looks at the little brother of the groom, who happens to be the best man, and nonchalantly says “You know I am going to fuck you in the ass tonight, right?” The rest of us were cracking up, but for some reason the little brother didn’t find it so funny (wonder why) and says “That aint cool man, that aint cool.” Then he slides the bed over against the wall and slept there with his ass wedged into the corner all night.

Looking back, what chapter or we on now? I think I lost place or skipped some ... anyway

The alter

Remember my stories about my friends in Virginia? Here is one I almost forgot.
It is back to southern Virginia we go. Why? Because it is the weekend, so it must be time to party.

We have one of our typical packed house Friday night parties along with way to much booze. Saturday morning we wake up around the crack of noon and pretty much come and go as we need during the day.

For some unknown reason I just felt like hanging out at my buddy’s house. And since he has always let me crash with him with no problems I thought I would do something nice for him and clean up his yard. It was a nice day, I think everyone has gone to do something and I didn’t just want to sit there.

So I go outside, start to pick up the big trash and put it in the trash can and clean up broken limbs off of trees and stuff like that. You get the picture.

For some reason I just looked up and took a look at the front of the house. And I see one spot where it looks like it has been egged or something over and over again. But nowhere else, just this one spot. Then I notice that there is a window right above the spot with no screen in it. What the hell?

So I go inside and make my way up to that room. I go over to the window and see that the screen is inside the house on the floor, there are several partially full glasses of water scattered on the floor near the window, and all of these pillows are stacked up on the floor in front of the window. What the hell?

The window was open so I leaned out and oh damn, this shit reeks! I close the window and go back downstairs and out to the front yard, get the water hose and try to hose this crap off the house.

Not to bad, it looks a little discolored still but much better than before. I put the water hose back up and don’t think anything else about it. Then I finish picking up the beer cans and empty ice bags and so on.

That night rolls around and we end up having another get together, shocking I know. During that party the guy who owns the house comes over to me while I am talking to this chic and says “hey, thanks for cleaning up the alter” to which I replied “yeah, no problem. Wait, what alter?” He says “You know, the alter, upstairs, but it is going to need it again tomorrow”. He then tells me that he has already cleaned up the inside because he didn’t know that the window was closed. Still not getting it I say “Alter? Alter to what?” He says “I don’t know, but that’s what I call it because I do a lot of praying up there at night when I am throwing up after drinking too much.

Lovely.

Looking back, chapter 4

Remember the guy that lived in southern Virginia? Outhouse guy? Well we all got to be pretty good friends and we had some hellacious parties. The guy who lived there had a job where he had to drive all over the country in this huge crew cab truck pulling this big ass trailer, but was home on weekends.

This one cold winter weekend when we were down there we had a party where pretty much everyone in this little town under the age of 40 was there. As usually we were getting rowdy. As the night progressed and as people started to head home it ended up being the three of us and these three girls that we hung out with. The six of us are sitting around his kitchen table shooting the breeze and playing cards so bored that the home owner broke a cigar in half, lit each end and stuck the halves in his ears (lit end out), pinches his nose closed to see if he can blow smoke out of his ears. I have pictures of this part. About this time he says "Let's go for a ride." Works for me, lets mount up! We all pile into his work truck when he says "I want to show you what I like to do when I am bored" and we take off down the road. We end up on this street atop of this big ass hill when he says "hang on" and guns it. We start down this hill, reach bottom and then start up this smaller hill. We crest the top of the next hill with him screaming "GO! GO! GO!" Oh my god, we are airborne!

Right after we are land we hear this loud crash and we all lunge forward. Oh man, he forgot to unhook the trailer! Well all of the tires on the trailer are blown out but it looks like everything is still intact. We drag this trailer back to his house, drop it off and we off to jump the truck again. At this point we are giggling like five year olds. I am sure that the booze had something to do with that. We get back on top of the hill again and we take off down the hill again. Warp speed Mr. Sulu! We are going much faster now that we aren't pulling that big trailer.

This time we jump much farther. We do this over and over again. Get to the top of the hill, fly down the hill, land and start over all over again. Giggling the whole way (and drinking).

Let's do it again! "Alright!" we all say. He says "No hands this time". So here we are on top of this hill, the truck is in neutral with the gas pedal on the floor. He dumps it into drive and "here we go!" down the hill. As we start to go up the smaller hill he yells "HANDS UP!!" Let me describe the screen to you. There are six young "adults" in a crew cab truck, all of us with our hands in the air like we are on a roller coaster flying up this hill just as fast as we can possibly go with the driver holding the gas pedal to the floor like he is trying to push it through the floorboard. Each of us holding a beer between our legs and laughing our heads off on a very cold winter night about 4am. We all really do need our heads examined.

So we hit the top of the hill, ZOOM!! We are flying through the air again when the truck starts to lean to the passenger side. BAMM!! We landed hard. I say "Dude, if we are going to do this again we are going to need to swing by the house and get more beer."

We go back to his house to grab some beer and just happen to be on his back porch having a smoke when we see cops cruising the area with their blue lights and search lights on. For some reason we turned off all of the lights in the house and get down on the floor. Why we did this, I have no idea. Like they could see us through the walls or something. But we wanted to see what was going on so we go back to the porch and see the cops stopped in the street and looking at the marks on the road where we were landing.

Looks like a good time to pack it in and call it a night, right? Oh but no, homey with his infinite wisdom says "Let's go, they are gone now" Sorry homes, you are on your own with that one.

Looking back, chapter 3

I have a buddy of mine who was in the Marine Corps while I lived in northern Virginia. Over the years he was stationed in different places and ending up being stationed at Camp Lajune. As fate would have it, he knew a guy who he used to be in the Marines with who lived just about half way between where I lived and Camp Lajune. My buddy thought I could meet this guy and we could have a place for us to party and hang out. My buddy drives up to my place one Friday and we head down to this other guys place in his truck right after work.

Unknown to me, we are taking the "back way". The "back way" took us down some very rural roads. Some VERY RURAL roads. It is the middle of the winter, it is dark and I have no idea where we are. After quite some time of not seeing any signs of civilization, much less electricity, I jokingly say "I didn't know that you could actually drive to the middle of nowhere". My buddy, keying in on my concern of the lack of creature comforts let's me know that he advises going to the can in the day time if you have to take a dump. Since we are going to be there over the weekend, I ask him why. I mean if it was just over night I could hold it. He tells me that the wind at night will chill you to the bone in an out house. Haha, not this time, I am not falling for it.

After what seemed like several more hours of driving we start to see some lights and a little town. And we drove right through it.

I look at my friend and say "Dude, where in the fuck are we going? I am pretty sure we are going to run out of real estate soon." He tells me that we are a little over half way there.

Eventually, we pull into this little town. A town that is so small that it makes my home town look like a major metropolitan city.

As we are making our way to this guy's house my buddy starts messing with me telling me that this guy lives with his mom who is an alcoholic and how she likes younger guys and junk like that. I tell him "That's cool, I like older chicks and if I don't have to work hard to get some, even better" knowing that he is screwing with me. We turn onto the street the guy lives on and my buddy tells me "That is the house right there, beside the church." He pulls into the driveway and I tell him "Take me home", he says what? I say to him "Take me the fuck home!" He ask "Why?" and I point to the free standing carport at the end of the driveway. Sitting tucked back by some boxes is a nice, shiny, white … toilet. I say to him "Dude, that's not even close to an outhouse. There aren't even walls much less a door. You can suck it if you think I am staying here for the weekend. Take me home." I can just picture someone sitting there doing their business when church lets out one Sunday. Now I am starting to wonder how much he has exaggerated about this dudes mom. I look over and my buddy is laughing his ass off. Of course I start to chuckle and ask him "what?" He tells me that he forgot that he didn't tell me that this was an investment property that they are renovating and that the toilet in the carport is just a coincidence.

How does this happen to me?