Starbucks to English translation please!

You know, there is no way that I could ever work at Starbucks. It's not because of any moral/political feelings or because I am too cool for one of those stylish green aprons. It is because I don't know what in the hell they are saying. I need a Starbucks to English translation guide. When did coffee, $4 coffee at that, become so cool that it needed its own language.
For example this morning I went to get some coffee on the way to work and I read the menu and ordered what I wanted. But while I was waiting for my coffee I hear all of these other "things" being called out that I could not tell you what they were. If I was the smo behind the counter and someone came up to me and ordered a double tall, half fat, no whip, red eye, triple pour, with a double shot, decaf soy latte they would get a kick in the nuts. Seriously, what is that? I mean I thought a "Venti Mocha" was cool.
I guess when I ordered my coffee some of the "regulars" got a chuckle out of the light weight coffee drinker. What is all that other crap they are ordering. I feel like they are talking about me in a foreign language or something. While were at it, how is it I have never had two venti mochas that ever tasted the same. Well, other than the one I got today and one I got a couple of weeks ago. Those both tasted like hot water that I washed my gym socks in. But other than that, I have never had two come out the same. Some have whipped cream, some are so strong I could run my car off of them and everything in between.
What am I missing?
And don't the people who patronize this place have homes? Not talking about the small group of people who stopping in with some friends and are chit-chatting while they are enjoying their joe. I am talking about these people who set up camp like it is Woodstock at the local Starbucks. I have seen people with laptops and headsets sitting across from each other playing some weird games, I guess talking is SO last year. And then there are the merry band of misunderstood, dying to get noticed, loners and their god-aweful guitars. They want to be a loaner so bad that they group together and sit outside so that even if your not going in you still know they are there.
Ok, rant over.