Things that you can kiss good-bye when you have children

Recently a few other guys around here and I have had children. For some of us (me) it is not a first child. And since it’s not a first child I thought that I would share a few things with other new and new again dads that they will need to know.

Your life has changed and as far as I can see it will never be the same again. As I said before this isn’t our first child but we had just pushed some of these memories out of our brains just in time for them to come flying back.

Remember when you used to just pick up and go somewhere? Oh well, that wont be happening again. Nope, even a trip to the drug store now requires an event coordinator and if you think you are going to go on a long trip on a whim you are sadly mistaken.

Speaking of travel, every trip you make now requires luggage. Going to see your parents? Pack a bag. Going out to eat? Pack a bag. Going to the mall? Pack a bag. Going to get gas? Pack a bag. And this bag isn’t for you, well indirectly it is. You now need a bag that rivals what paramedics carry to a crash scene. This bag, the diaper bag, will have everything from diapers, creams, pastes, changes (plural) of clothes, back up pacifiers, blankets, bottles, first aid kids, medicines, anti-gas medicine, teething aids, toys, socks, garbage bags and on and on and freaking on.

Something else that just hauled ass out of your life is quiet. Quiet just took a one way trip to as far away from where you are as possible. And when you think it is back it does a 180 with absolutely no notice. If you are reading this and even thinking about starting a family I suggest that you go home tonight, turn off everything that makes a sound and anything that emits light and just sit in the dark and quiet. After you have done that, cherish it because you will NEVER have that experience again.

Are you one of those people who like to walk around in your house barefooted or in socks? That’s a damn shame. That’s gone too. Kids love to drop stuff but could care less about picking up anything. I hate the man who invented Legos, just sayin. Do you have any idea what it feels like to step on/kick a baby toy? Trust me, it’s not gellin like a Dr. Scholes shoe insert. And if it’s not something hard, it’s something liquid in some form. I quit trying to guess what I stepped in because the answer usually gave me the quivers.

Remember when you used to be able to walk around your house at night with the lights off? It’s just a distant memory now. If you children are like mine they like to booby-trap every room in the house. It’s like they can see where the carpet is wearing down and they strategically place things there when I go to bed. I have no idea if they can tell exactly where I put my feet or if they are just playing the odds but they are good.

Have a rough week and think you are going to sleep in a little on Saturday? You would be wrong. You are going to be damn lucky to sleep at night, hell you are going to be lucky to sleep at all.

Do you have a favorite TV show or a fan of watching movies on TV? You better go buy a TiVo then or you won’t be watching them. At least not with out many, many, many interruptions you won’t. I have to TiVo the news if I want to see it.

After about six weeks or so the washing machine won’t stop running either. I have no idea how they get something on everything that you put on them but they do. Oh and one word of advice, if you aren’t absolutely positive that something is clean, wash it. You know what, even if you are sure it’s clean, wash it anyway.

Try as you might, even with all of the washing that you are going to do but staying healthy just isn’t in the plans any more either. You kid will get every cold, stomach bug, infection that is out there. And since they are kind and giving little soles, you will get it too!

Along the lines of being a 24 hour laundry mat and getting to know your local medical staff very closely you might as well take what savings you have now, make paper airplanes with it, open a window and throw them right out of it. At least that way you get to have some fun with it.

If those bills weren’t enough, if you happen to have a coupe car or single cab truck, I hope you aren’t emotionally attached to it. You should probably start calling it the trade-in now.

Years ago it was my Friday ritual to cook out when I got home from work. Nothing felt as good as drinking a beer while grilling a steak as the potatoes are baking in the over. Now you are going to have to crack open a side of strained peas or vegetable medley with that steak and in a couple of years it will be Spaghetti-Os. If you think you are going to cook one meal for everyone you are the supreme optimist.

But the most important thing that you can send a “Thinking about you” card to is privacy. Once they get mobile they WILL be everywhere. Remember those nights of untamed passion that lasted for hours? I sort of remember them too, distantly. Man you will be lucky to get a quicky while making absolutely no noise at all ,in complete darkness because the sound of your child's voice crying “MOMMY!!!” outside the bedroom door is the ultimate mood killer. I swear they have a sixth sense. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I have not had a shower without an audience in four years. Our bathroom door doesn’t lock and no matter what time I try to get a shower when I get in I am alone but at some point during the shower my bathroom got transferred into a toddler art museum. I swear I am not trying to scar them but I got to get a shower.

I know that there are others that I am forgetting but I think the kids are asleep so I am going to…. never mind.

Don’t get dead