What’s in a name?

 I am notorious for never carrying cash. So I pay for everything with a credit card or debt card. After some time of using my credit card I began to realize that no one ever checks to see if what you sign on the receipt is the same as what’s on the card. Most of the time they never even ask to see an ID. So I have had cards that were not signed on back or I have written “Please ask for ID” on the back and nothing. Sometimes they will flip it over but even when they do they are just going through the motions.

What got me started on this whole signature thing is that I used to have a friend named Kevin whose legal signature is a capital K with three circles around it. It was on his drivers license and everything. One day we were at lunch and he signed the receipt the way he always does and the waitress was giving him a hard time about it. He made the comment later that they usually don’t even look. So I decided to test this.

I started by writing my name really sloppy, this got no response. Then I signed my name where it looked like a heart monitor and they still took it. Then I decided to have some fun. I have pretty good handwriting so the next time I signed a credit card I signed it “Richard Roundtree”. That’s right “Shaft” signed for my gas that day. Not even a second glance. And I don’t know what I felt if it was shock or surprise or disgust or what but I had an emotion and I thought surely this didn’t just happen. So I went to another store and went in to buy a drink, this time I signed the slip “Richard Nixon”, nothing. So I thought maybe I’ll try this one more time. The next time I used my card I signed very clearly “Richard Pryor” thinking that surely the name would jump out but I was wrong again.

So I was thinking that maybe I am signing a little too close to my name and thought maybe I need the signature to be a little more different than my name. So the next time I signed a credit card receipt I signed it “Mama Cass”, that’s right a very large female singer who died in the 70’s bought some fertilizer at the Lowes by my house. And she bought it without question.

Now the a-hole in me comes out and I decide to start signing all kinds of things. I signed one “Tommy Lee” and got not even as much as a glace. Then “Dale Ernhardt” bought dinner for my family one night. Vicente Fox, that’s right the former president of Mexico, bought me lunch one day. As did John Holmes (why not right?), Luke Skywalker, Muammar Gaddafi, Napoleon Bonaparte (yes, the French leader who died in the 1800s) and J. G. Wentworth.

Matter of fact, Harry Potter picked up a prescription for me at a local drug store. That’s right a fictional character picked up my drugs. You would think that would set off some red flags with the DEA or something.

One time I signed “Billie Jean King” when I bought a baseball cap. Yes, apparently I am a female tennis player too!

The list goes on and on. Being in Texas I thought that when I signed “Troy Aikman” that I might get a look, nope. Then I started to mold my signatures to someone I thought the people behind the register would know. There was a very country looking woman checking me out at the mall one day and never noticed that I signed my name “Hank Williams Jr”.

Then I just said the hell with it and went nuts. First it was “Peter Paul and Mary”, yes all three of them. Then “Peter Pan” didn’t even get a chuckle. And then “Ozzy Osbourne”, “Babe Ruth”, “Lightning McQuenn” (from the movie Cars), “The Man from Uncle”, “That Guy” and even “Harley Davidson” got no response. From there I signed my name as “Roscoe P. Coletrane”, “Santa Clause”, “Jumping Jack Flash” and “James Bond”. I was sure that signing “Michael Jordan” would get a raised eyebrow at the least but it didn’t. Who know that I could be confused for a 6’6” African American man?

I continued with “Hulk Hogan”, “Philmore Butts”, “George Washington”, “Buzz Lightyear”, “Mr. T.”, “Tiger Woods”, “Rocky Balboa”, “Edgar Allan Poe”, “Uncle Fester”, “Count Chocula”, “Humpy Hump”, “Humpty Dumpty”, “Axl Rose”, “Mr. Brownstone”, “Eddie Van Halen”, “Darth Vader”, “Jason Bourne”, “Felix the Cat”, “Monty Python”, “Monty Hall”, “Malcolm in the Middle”, “Bill Gates”, “Papa Roach”, “Papa John”, “Flava Flav”, “Elvis Presley”, “Michael Myers”, “Jason Voorhees” and just to change it up a little bit “Fred E. Krueger”. And nobody said a damn word.

I even signed “Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor”. The freaking Queen of England didn’t even get a second look.

But today had to be the worst, today I picked up some lunch and signed the receipt “Jesus Christ”. Has to be the most recognized name in the world and the guy never even looked up to see what I looked like.

I think next time I am just going to take off my shoe and sign with my foot.

Don’t get dead.