Restaurant reviews

Actually this really isn’t a review, but more of a guide that you can use to tell if a restaurant has good food. Even if you have never been in the place. All you need to do is take a look at the people going into or out of the place. Various customer types are a pretty damn good sign of the quality of the food. Of course there are a few caveats (such as location (near a major highway or interstate), time of day/day of the week if near a business area, tourist and restaurants in a mall parking lots) which make a restaurant hard to gauge. Special events such as car shows, radio remotes and grand openings nullify the guide. Also, you can’t really use this guide on chain or franchise restaurants.

With that being said, let’s get started.

Hamburger joints – If you see white guys with beer bellies, find a parking spot. This is a dead give-a-way on burger joints. Especially if they are wearing softball “jerseys” which are usually a t-shirt with either an iron on or screen printed team name and a number on the back. Also, if this is not near an interstate, truckers are a big indication that the burgers are good. Beware of advertised beer specials because this can skew the actual interest of the cliental. If said pot-bellied men are with families, keep looking.

Chinese food non-buffet – This one is easy, fat people and Asian people. Obviously Asian people are going to know good Chinese food. But fat people usually like really good food when you have to pay by the dish.

Chinese food with a buffet – This one is really hard. The buffet takes fat people out as a guide. They could be there for the shear volume of available food at the same price along. Asian people are going to be the best guide you can use again because they are going to know good food. So for this one you have to take another factor into concept, the cars in the parking lot. People who drive expensive cars can probably afford to eat where they want so if they are in a buffet chances are the food is going to be pretty good.

Italian food – Again, pretty easy. Fat older white guys with slicked back hair wearing either suits or open collar shirts unbuttoned halfway down their chest. The more they look like they have a hard time breathing the better the sauce is going to be. And if the parking lot is full of large American made luxury cars go ahead and loosen your belt. Don’t be afraid to use the chin factor to grade this place. That is the number of people in the restaurant multiplied by the number of chins they have. Grade on the 100 point scale. A turkey neck counts as three chins.

Steak house - Man, here we go, this one takes a bit of time because of so many factors to weigh. Valet parking is going to be a good sign, mini vans could be deadly. If they have valet then chances are that the price is on the high side. Places that charge more typically have good food, but don’t forget to take the grand opening factor into account, make sure this place has been open at least one year. Now you may say why are mini-vans deadly? Because minivans = kids. While the kids might not be there their parents are and they very well could be out on a “date night” where they are looking for the “experience” and not into the food. All you can eat ANYTHING throws the guide off too, even if it’s a salad bar. Again, simply put, when it cost the same regardless of how much you eat is going to draw the masses. You have to use your best judgment with this one. Look at the parking lot and check out the volume and types of cars in the parking lot. A full parking lot at a reasonable priced place could be a red flag. But if it is full of Lexus’, Tahoes, Lincoln Town Cars, BMWs and so on you are probably ok. If it is full of Astro vans, Mustangs and Cameros … this might not be the taste explosion that you are looking for. But if there is a wait to get into the place on a Tuesday night, it might be worth it.

Bar-B-Q – Much like steak houses this one is tricky to pinpoint. You can’t go on the amount of cars in the parking lot. And you can’t go on types of cars. So you have to work with a couple of factors in this one. First off, what part of the country are you in? If you are in Texas and the bar-b-q place has a pig in their advertising and there is a crowd the chances are decent that the food is good. Reason behind that is because Texas is beef country. Same goes for the deep south. If you are in any state that has a team in the SEC and they have a cow in their advertisement and a semi-full parking lot, chances are that the food is good. The southeast is pork bbq country. One of the biggest clues is going to be the smell test. Side note on the smell test, if you are “starving” the smell is going to throw you off. The all you can eat rule always applies to bbq. The Texas rule applies to Kansas City Bar-B-Q just like the SEC rule applies to Memphis Bar-B-Q. Work/Pick-up trucks are actually a pretty good clue on bar-b-q where as imported luxury cars are going to be a deterrent in most cases.

Mexican food – First and foremost when it comes to Mexican food is if you see the word “Authentic” the food probably taste like a frozen dinner. Most of what I have had in various parts of the country is Tex-Mex. Mexican food is actually very different. Most of it is seafood based and served with rice pilaf or long grain wild rice. Stuff like that. Refried beans, queso and tortillas are Tex-Mex for the most part. Another thing to consider shying away from is beer lights. If the windows are filled with neon beer lights the food might not be the big seller there. So we are really talking about Tex-Mex. If the specials are advertised outside of the restaurant that’s not a good sign. If there are Mexican flags everywhere, this is a bad sign as well. Pretty much if it looks like they are trying to hard, they probably are. Depending on the location the parking lot is going to be your best gauge here, but not how you think. Not low riders and pickups, well maybe but not in a stereotype kind of a way. Pretty much look for working class people cars. Especially if there are other “Mexican” food restaurants in the area.

Sandwich shops – Believe it or not, college aged people are going to be a damn good indicator if a sub shop has good food. I mean think about it, they live on this shit at that age.

Greek – Yuppies. Yeah, that’s it. Your 20s to 30s aged people who are white collar professionals. For the most part in the Greek community, there is someone at home who can cook the same if not better food at home for free. If you see hairy men with a unibrow, they probably own the place.

Indian food – This one is pretty much straight forward. Middle Eastern people in business casual clothing. For pretty much the same reason as the Greek community. Someone at home is making the same stuff if not better. But there are a lot of middle eastern people who work in the technology field and they know good Indian food. For this one, you have to go during the week around lunch time. Mini-vans and sedans are a good sign here.

Sushi – Pretty much straight out, look for wealthy white people in expensive cars. It’s the “in” thing right now. One other really good guide is to find a small, discrete sushi place where there are nothing but Asian people. If you ask me, they got the right idea when it comes to food. For really good food, they don’t tell a lot of other people about it. But those are few and far between.

I will have to continue this later but right now I am tired and I got other shit to do. Let me know if you are curious about any other type of restaurant.