Shortly after moving to Texas I began the search for my own place to live. Though some friends I met a guy named Jim. It just so happens that Jim owned a house and was thinking about renting out one of the rooms since he lived alone. It would help him with the mortgage and give him someone to talk to and whatnot. I was not really looking for a roommate but the price was right so I thought I would give it a shot. Other than one past roommate, Tim, all of my other roommate experiences have been hell. I will have to tell you about Nick in another blog to come.
Any way, back to Jim, that idiot that was and still is. In the beginning he seemed like a nice, kind of nerdy, normal guy. But he was just an idiot. Let's see, he is a bit older than I am, ex-military, as far as I knew didn't abuse drugs or booze, had a decent personality, holds down a job as a HVAC guy, but he was just an idiot, as I found out later.
You may be asking "Now Sweezey, why do you think this guy is an idiot?" Well friend, I am glad you asked and I will tell you why. I don't think he is an idiot because he would take a perfectly good cut of beef and pan fry it in butter as opposed to grilling it, nor would I say he is an idiot because he was too cheap to buy coffee filters and stole those brown paper towels from his work to use for a lot of things (including coffee filters) around the house, nor would I say it was because he would use those can air fresheners in every room in the house. Hey it is your house, whore it up all you want. As I have previously stated and as Jim would bring up multiple times in one fashion or another during every conversation, he was in the military which is great, but what is not great is the amount of BS that he forces upon ones auditory senses. Jim likes to talk about how he was "wounded" while in Viet Nam, insert eye roll here. Jim was in Viet Nam that part has been proven, on many occasions. However, what else has been proven is how he got "wounded", this flake lost the tip of one of his fingers in a can opener, A FUCKING CAN OPENER and he is waiting on his metal. Not wounded while fighting off an army of Viet Kong, not wounded while saving a fellow solider, not wounded while escaping from a POW Camp, nope, he got a flesh wound while trying to get into his Beanies and Weenies. This dork thinks he deserves a metal because he is too stupid to work a can opener, A FREAKING CAN OPENER! Not even an electric one, a hand crank one. Forrest did it to himself. But that's not the only reason that he has proven himself worthy of the crown of Idiotroplis, oh no we can't quit there. For some reason he thinks it is impressive to brag about how he does not have felling in two of his fingers because of the military. He will tell you that you could hold a flame to them and he couldn't feel it and wants people to pinch his fingers and stuff like that all the time. I asked him if he would let me slam them in the door but he didn't go for that. So one afternoon he was working on someone's car air conditioning when I come home. I see Jim under the hood of this car and instantly think to myself "where is my video camera?" because I knew something was going to happen, all I had to do was to wait. In an effort to keep from missing the upcoming entertainment, I went inside, got a drink and came back out to watch with some sort of morbid interest. Jim and this guy are trying to trouble shoot why the a/c unit is not working right. Jim goes into the garage and gets his circuit tester and begins trying to find out what is getting electricity and what's not. Jim instructs the guy to start the engine. Ahh yes, the show is about to begin! As a courtesy I went ahead and dialed 9-1 and just waited until I needed to dial the other 1. So there is Jim, randomly piercing wires with this circuit tester (which lights up when a circuit is complete) when I see him going for a group of wires coming out of the alternator. I had to say something, so I said "Hey Jim, I don't think you want to do that, that's the output from the alternator". No sooner had I finished the sentence when Jim began to invent a new dance. I guess it was called the "Bladder Release Jerk" because that's what he did. So Jim goes in and gets some clean pants and comes back out. But now he has decided that the electrical system is good and decides to see if there is enough coolant in the unit. For several minutes he is pumping coolant into this little car compressor when he ask the other guy if he can tell if the unit is getting cold to the touch and that he can't tell because of the numb fingers. The other guy says "Yeah, I guess so" when Jim decides to see if he can tell when all of the sudden BOOM!!! The hose from the compressor burst due to the extreme pressure and shoots Jim out from under the hood and onto the lawn. Without missing a beat I asked Jim if he could feel that and went inside for a refill. What a freaking idiot.
As if that wasn't enough, one day I come home from work on a fall afternoon and Jim is "working" on the cable box. Great, now I need to go to the bookstore. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get HBO or Showtime for free. Well in his infinite wisdom he screwed up the box, just not bad enough that it didn't work any more but it was bad enough that you didn't know what channel you were watching or what channel you were going to. Sort of like a virtual quantum leap. Later that night we are both in the living room watching TV when Jim switches channels and happens to land on a news broadcast, the weather segment to be specific. And it was a doozy, it would appear that a sever cold front was blowing in. Since Jim works outside mostly he went off to get some weather appropriate clothes ready for the next day. You know, for that cold front that was blowing in, into Chicago! Nostraidiot didn't wait for the end of the broadcast where they tell you that you what is coming up next on WGN. Ironically, it was really warm in Dallas the next day, Jim had sweat his ass off all day. Tisk tisk.
But what really put him in the idiot record books is when he tried to explain the internet to me against my will. Not that I wasn't interested in the internet but I already had a pretty good grip on how it works and didn't need Idioitasaurous Rex to try to explain it to me. In an attempt to humor him I decided that I would let him say his little spill and then haul ass without asking any questions, which would have prolonged the suffering for me. The jest of what the Idiotatola Khomeini was saying was that the entire internet consists of 6 CD ROMs on a computer in California. Yep, you got it. All of the information on the internet, all of the webpages, all of the data files, everything is on 6 CDs on a computer in California. Please god don't ever let this guy get elected president.
None of this would have been a big deal but Jim began to want the rent weekly and often forgot that I paid him the week before. I took pity on the idiot at first, then it became and epidemic and I had to find a more suitable living arrangement. I proposed that we use a calendar and not have to rely on anyone's memory and that way there would be no questions, but he didn't want to go for that. The final straw was when I came home one Friday after work and the house is full of these little girls. You see the people that I met Jim through had moved over seas because the husband's job transferred him. Well they had a daughter that I later figured out that Jim must have been hot for. So he would gather all of this girls friends together, bring them over to the house and call the family, you know so that these little girls could talk to their friend. Oh hell no pervy, I got to cut bait now. I won't even go into all of the creepy stuff he did in regards to that.
I wonder if he ever figured out what happened to his toothbrush. You will have to ask about that one, not going to post it on here.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Humane?
Earlier this week I was in this three day seminar. During this seminar we had lunch catered each day. As is typical in most seminars, during breaks we all sort of get to know each other if we don't already. Mostly small talk, what do you do for fun, where are you from, have any hobbies, and so on. Usually light hearted and often very comical. Most of the break time during these three days was much the same, except for this break we took just before lunch on the second day. We came to a stopping point and the chit chat begins. The subject of what was for lunch that day came up and we began to comment on the previous days selections. About this time the food was delivered and one of the co-seminarians (is that really a word?) asked the presenter if he knew what time he was going to start back up. He lets her know about when he was planning to start back and asked her why. She mentions that she would like to step out during lunch. And he asked if she would like to have something set aside for her. You could really tell that she didn't want to be put in the spotlight but the rest of the room had gotten quite and was watching the exchange between them, when she casually mentioned that no, she would be fine. The presenter, very politely I might add, asked again if she was sure because she might get hungry. He was being very courteous and actually just trying to make sure that she didn't miss anything. She very nicely mentions that is the very reason why she was going to step out and that she had recently become vegan. Which is totally cool, but you would have thought that she said she was going to go on a shooting spree or something. She was hit with this onslaught of questions about why and how long and on and on and on. To which she would answer and simply state that it was no big deal, but there was nothing that was brought to us that she cared to eat. I mean she was being totally cool about it but you would think she was getting subpoenaed.
Over the course of the questioning the conversation somehow turned to hunting. The presenter said that he could never go hunting and that he just didn't think he could shoot anything, which is fine. Another person even mentioned that they didn't like to think of anything that they have ever eaten as being alive. There were a few other comments about hunting when this one guys asked the vegan girl if she eats fish, she replied that no, fish are animals and that she chose not to eat any animals or animal by products. But this is when something sort of odd happened. Some, if not all, of the anti hunting people said that they liked fish and liked to go fishing. Being the a-hole that I am, I decided to stir the pot, so to speak, and ask why they didn't like hunting, specifically deer. To which I got pretty much the same answer from everyone, it was inhumane. Ok, this is a joke right? I am not saying that it IS humane, but it got me to thinking. And I had to ask "so you some how feel that it is less humane to shoot an animal where the animal quite possibly dies instantly and never knew they had been shot nor felt pain as opposed to dragging an animal by it's face against it's will through water with a metal barbed hook shoved through it's face that you put there?" Man I really got to reevaluate "humane".
Over the course of the questioning the conversation somehow turned to hunting. The presenter said that he could never go hunting and that he just didn't think he could shoot anything, which is fine. Another person even mentioned that they didn't like to think of anything that they have ever eaten as being alive. There were a few other comments about hunting when this one guys asked the vegan girl if she eats fish, she replied that no, fish are animals and that she chose not to eat any animals or animal by products. But this is when something sort of odd happened. Some, if not all, of the anti hunting people said that they liked fish and liked to go fishing. Being the a-hole that I am, I decided to stir the pot, so to speak, and ask why they didn't like hunting, specifically deer. To which I got pretty much the same answer from everyone, it was inhumane. Ok, this is a joke right? I am not saying that it IS humane, but it got me to thinking. And I had to ask "so you some how feel that it is less humane to shoot an animal where the animal quite possibly dies instantly and never knew they had been shot nor felt pain as opposed to dragging an animal by it's face against it's will through water with a metal barbed hook shoved through it's face that you put there?" Man I really got to reevaluate "humane".
Things that I miss
As I am sitting here bored, I was just thinking of a list of things that I miss. This may only make sense to Ozark people.
- I miss the way that Y&T's "Summer Time Girls" used to be an anthem for warm weather.
- I miss having summers off.
- I miss the audience participation part of "Mony Mony" at La Vela.
- I miss figuring out what I was doing on Friday and Saturday nights being my biggest concern.
- I miss "rocking out" (LOL) to The Cars/Cheap Trick/The Who.
- I miss wondering which character in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" that I would be.
- I miss cranking up the Ozzy with the T-Tops off. (Redneck or not, I am going to bring T-Tops back)
- I miss side of the road parties out in the country (The stop sign, the barn, the old house, Hollywood, San Quentin (who the hell named that one?) or the clay pit)
- I miss staying out until the sun comes up and then sleeping all day.
- I miss $5 keg parties with a band.
- I miss the most beautiful beaches in the world being just over an hour away and taking off for them when I wanted.
- I miss Panama City Beach being this little town supported by locals and snowbirds.
- I miss "Fins UP!"
- I miss when one of my friends would put out the call "Regulators, Mount Up!" when we would head out to a party.
- I kind of miss the Martindale 500.
- I miss the days when 15 friends would pile into one hotel room at the beach.
- I miss being excited about spring break (AEA).
- I miss Cross Roads Jam.
- I miss staying up all night with friends laughing until your face hurts every weekend.
- I miss when MTV actually had music videos on it.
- I miss concerts at arcades.
- I miss pulling brodys on country roads.
- I miss hanging out at the river on Sundays.
- I miss "Night Flight" and "Radio 1990".
- I miss the most important thing about a car being that it ran.
- I miss the second most important thing about a car being stereo/rims/window tint.
- I miss being more worried about my parents finding out than I was about the cops finding out.
- I miss being excited about the new Van Halen/Motley Crue/Ratt/Guns N' Roses/Dokken/Tesla/Ozzy album coming out.
- I miss bonfire parties out in the country.
- I miss hearing "We're not going to need this any more" as the top of a fifth of bourbon flys out the cab of a truck window on a Friday/Saturday night.
- I miss when preparing for a beach trip meant getting some cash & packing a toothbrush and a change of clothes.
- I miss senior skip day.
I hate growing old!!!!
- I miss the way that Y&T's "Summer Time Girls" used to be an anthem for warm weather.
- I miss having summers off.
- I miss the audience participation part of "Mony Mony" at La Vela.
- I miss figuring out what I was doing on Friday and Saturday nights being my biggest concern.
- I miss "rocking out" (LOL) to The Cars/Cheap Trick/The Who.
- I miss wondering which character in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" that I would be.
- I miss cranking up the Ozzy with the T-Tops off. (Redneck or not, I am going to bring T-Tops back)
- I miss side of the road parties out in the country (The stop sign, the barn, the old house, Hollywood, San Quentin (who the hell named that one?) or the clay pit)
- I miss staying out until the sun comes up and then sleeping all day.
- I miss $5 keg parties with a band.
- I miss the most beautiful beaches in the world being just over an hour away and taking off for them when I wanted.
- I miss Panama City Beach being this little town supported by locals and snowbirds.
- I miss "Fins UP!"
- I miss when one of my friends would put out the call "Regulators, Mount Up!" when we would head out to a party.
- I kind of miss the Martindale 500.
- I miss the days when 15 friends would pile into one hotel room at the beach.
- I miss being excited about spring break (AEA).
- I miss Cross Roads Jam.
- I miss staying up all night with friends laughing until your face hurts every weekend.
- I miss when MTV actually had music videos on it.
- I miss concerts at arcades.
- I miss pulling brodys on country roads.
- I miss hanging out at the river on Sundays.
- I miss "Night Flight" and "Radio 1990".
- I miss the most important thing about a car being that it ran.
- I miss the second most important thing about a car being stereo/rims/window tint.
- I miss being more worried about my parents finding out than I was about the cops finding out.
- I miss being excited about the new Van Halen/Motley Crue/Ratt/Guns N' Roses/Dokken/Tesla/Ozzy album coming out.
- I miss bonfire parties out in the country.
- I miss hearing "We're not going to need this any more" as the top of a fifth of bourbon flys out the cab of a truck window on a Friday/Saturday night.
- I miss when preparing for a beach trip meant getting some cash & packing a toothbrush and a change of clothes.
- I miss senior skip day.
I hate growing old!!!!
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Halloween Spirits (like ghost, not the good kind like Hunch Punch)
Since Halloween is in a couple of days there has been a barrage of Ghost this and Haunted that shows on television. And the same kind of stuff on a lot of radio morning shows. Which is fine, it's seasonal.
And I'll admit that I find some of the shows interesting and but these "psychics" who channel and all of this other BS is just comical. I saw one where this guy was going into a convulsion and his voice change and blah, blah, blah, give me a break. Then there was this chick with her divining rods where they would cross when there was a spirit near by. How about they would cross when you tilted your hands in a certain direction? Ever think of that?
And why do people play "Tubular Bells" as a music bed for some of these shows? That is from "The Exorcist", not "Halloween". "The Exorcist", boys and girls, took place in January, not October. Oh and the line "The power of Christ compels you" is from the Exorcist too. Get your horror movies straight!
But I just wonder, why do ghost only come out at night? Do they have a day job and can't take off or something? I just don't get why all of this stuff has to take place at night. If you got ghost, wouldn't you have ghost 24/7?
I am not saying that ghost do or don't exist, I don't know either. But some of this stuff is a bit of a stretch to me. We are building a house and the other day my wife dropped her camera and stirred up some saw dust, it was "orb" central in the next few pictures she took. I guess I better call the Ghostbusters, or maybe I should call the dustbusters! Ya think?
But one of the things that I wonder the most about is how is Parker Brothers able to mass produce portals to hell? All of these radio shows and a bunch of these TV shows have someone with a Ouija board. You know you are a bad Mo-Fo if you can produce a gateway to the other side at will.
And I'll admit that I find some of the shows interesting and but these "psychics" who channel and all of this other BS is just comical. I saw one where this guy was going into a convulsion and his voice change and blah, blah, blah, give me a break. Then there was this chick with her divining rods where they would cross when there was a spirit near by. How about they would cross when you tilted your hands in a certain direction? Ever think of that?
And why do people play "Tubular Bells" as a music bed for some of these shows? That is from "The Exorcist", not "Halloween". "The Exorcist", boys and girls, took place in January, not October. Oh and the line "The power of Christ compels you" is from the Exorcist too. Get your horror movies straight!
But I just wonder, why do ghost only come out at night? Do they have a day job and can't take off or something? I just don't get why all of this stuff has to take place at night. If you got ghost, wouldn't you have ghost 24/7?
I am not saying that ghost do or don't exist, I don't know either. But some of this stuff is a bit of a stretch to me. We are building a house and the other day my wife dropped her camera and stirred up some saw dust, it was "orb" central in the next few pictures she took. I guess I better call the Ghostbusters, or maybe I should call the dustbusters! Ya think?
But one of the things that I wonder the most about is how is Parker Brothers able to mass produce portals to hell? All of these radio shows and a bunch of these TV shows have someone with a Ouija board. You know you are a bad Mo-Fo if you can produce a gateway to the other side at will.
I am starting to worry about myself
Saturday night we went to a wine tasting with some friends. This was kind of a class on wines, which wines go with which foods, what to look for in a wine and so on. Well I must have tasted a lot more wine than I thought I had.
I woke up Sunday to find some blog scribblings. That's not the part that scares me, what scares me is WHAT I was going to blog about.
I guess I had the idea that I would write in my blog when I got home. I was writing about how I was wondering how fish know who has the right of way. Yeah, same thing I said, WTF? I had something to the effect of there are millions of fish in the ocean but you never see them run into each other, how do they know who has right of way under water. I mean the visual of a couple of fish swimming into each other is funny, little fish fender-bender, but why in the hell was I thinking about this? Who is watching fish swim in the ocean and how do we know they don't swim right smack into each other now that I think about it. I had all kinds of details and questions about this subject. Apparently in my drunken stupor I was really sweating aquatic rules of the wildlife road. But where does a retarded idea like that come from? Seriously I am starting to wonder about myself.
I woke up Sunday to find some blog scribblings. That's not the part that scares me, what scares me is WHAT I was going to blog about.
I guess I had the idea that I would write in my blog when I got home. I was writing about how I was wondering how fish know who has the right of way. Yeah, same thing I said, WTF? I had something to the effect of there are millions of fish in the ocean but you never see them run into each other, how do they know who has right of way under water. I mean the visual of a couple of fish swimming into each other is funny, little fish fender-bender, but why in the hell was I thinking about this? Who is watching fish swim in the ocean and how do we know they don't swim right smack into each other now that I think about it. I had all kinds of details and questions about this subject. Apparently in my drunken stupor I was really sweating aquatic rules of the wildlife road. But where does a retarded idea like that come from? Seriously I am starting to wonder about myself.
House Fire
Periodically we get these fliers at the house where someone is coming to our area and for a small fee of usually $10 to $20 they will paint our house numbers on the curb out in front of our house. The theory is that it will help people find our house, even though the numbers are on the house.
One day I am doing something in the front yard when one of these guys comes to leave a flier. He ask me if I was interested in getting my house numbers painted in reflective paint on my curb using a 4 inch stencil. Of course I told him nope. Which he should have left at that, but NOOOO he had to keep trying to make a sale. So he asks why I wouldn't. To which I asked him why would I?
I can paint my own numbers on my curb if I wanted them on there. So he tells me that it is to help the fire department find my house if it caught on fire. Are you F'ing kidding me? I can't believe that is his sales pitch.
I tell him no thanks and continue doing what I was doing. I am trying to be nice here by the way. But he just doesn't get it. He doesn't realize that no matter how hard he tries to sale me on it that I am not going to give him $10 to paint my curb.
So there I am trying to ignore him when he says "wouldn't you want the fire department to be able to find your house if it caught on fire?" Is he for real? To which I say to him "Hey, don't you think the smoke boiling out of my house would be a hint? I am pretty sure firemen, of all people, can see smoke." Then he comes back with (what I am sure in his head was a great point) "What if it caught on fire at night? You see the paint is reflective." I really hated to bust his bubble but he was starting to annoy me, so I replay with "Fire emits light dip shit, pretty sure firemen can see flames too. Move it along."
Like some reflective Krylon is going to be brighter than a house fire.
One day I am doing something in the front yard when one of these guys comes to leave a flier. He ask me if I was interested in getting my house numbers painted in reflective paint on my curb using a 4 inch stencil. Of course I told him nope. Which he should have left at that, but NOOOO he had to keep trying to make a sale. So he asks why I wouldn't. To which I asked him why would I?
I can paint my own numbers on my curb if I wanted them on there. So he tells me that it is to help the fire department find my house if it caught on fire. Are you F'ing kidding me? I can't believe that is his sales pitch.
I tell him no thanks and continue doing what I was doing. I am trying to be nice here by the way. But he just doesn't get it. He doesn't realize that no matter how hard he tries to sale me on it that I am not going to give him $10 to paint my curb.
So there I am trying to ignore him when he says "wouldn't you want the fire department to be able to find your house if it caught on fire?" Is he for real? To which I say to him "Hey, don't you think the smoke boiling out of my house would be a hint? I am pretty sure firemen, of all people, can see smoke." Then he comes back with (what I am sure in his head was a great point) "What if it caught on fire at night? You see the paint is reflective." I really hated to bust his bubble but he was starting to annoy me, so I replay with "Fire emits light dip shit, pretty sure firemen can see flames too. Move it along."
Like some reflective Krylon is going to be brighter than a house fire.
More Why’s?
- Why do people tell other people to "have a good day"? As opposed to what? Have a bad day?
- Why can't I choke some of these stupid m&%*r f*&^rs? Come on, just once. It would make me feel better.
- Why do my kids always wake me from a nap by hitting me in the nuts?
- Why does tequila always sound like a good idea?
- Why does my neighbor always want to try to talk to me when I am cutting grass? Does he actually think that I can hear him?
- Why is it that most people who give unsolicited advice won't take it?
- Why is it acceptable for a complete stranger to come up and touch a woman's stomach if they are pregnant?
- Why is it that every time I hear the song "Lunatic Fringe" by the band Red Rider in my head I hear "Now appearing on the main stage …"?
- Why can't I choke some of these stupid m&%*r f*&^rs? Come on, just once. It would make me feel better.
- Why do my kids always wake me from a nap by hitting me in the nuts?
- Why does tequila always sound like a good idea?
- Why does my neighbor always want to try to talk to me when I am cutting grass? Does he actually think that I can hear him?
- Why is it that most people who give unsolicited advice won't take it?
- Why is it acceptable for a complete stranger to come up and touch a woman's stomach if they are pregnant?
- Why is it that every time I hear the song "Lunatic Fringe" by the band Red Rider in my head I hear "Now appearing on the main stage …"?
Uncle Max
My buddy Matt's uncle, Max, has a little "issue" with booze. So much so that after one doctor's visit Max learned that he had an estimated 8% of his liver function left.
So in an effort to help Uncle Max dry out Matt's mom moved Max in with them once when Matt was in high school. The story goes that Max drank so much that even after three days of not drinking while at Matt's house Max was still drunk. Uncle Max knows how to party!
One day during Max's little stay at Matt's house Matt's mom was making some stew in the crock-pot. So Matt gets home from school and Max comes to after a while. Smelling the stew cooking Max ask Matt if he would get him some of the stew. Matt tells him sure and that he will put it on the dining room table.
Matt goes into the kitchen and gets a spoon and napkin and takes them to the dining room table. He then goes back into the kitchen to get a bowl of stew for himself and Uncle Max. While he is pouring the stew into the bowls he hears this strange scraping sound. He stops and listens for the sound and after a second or two he hears it again. After going to investigate he follows the sound to the dining room where he finds the noise. Max is now sitting at the dinning room table with a spoon in hand SCRAPING the finish off of the table and EATING IT!
Max notices Matt standing there and says "Can I have a glass of water? This stew is dry." Ummm, yeah…
So in an effort to help Uncle Max dry out Matt's mom moved Max in with them once when Matt was in high school. The story goes that Max drank so much that even after three days of not drinking while at Matt's house Max was still drunk. Uncle Max knows how to party!
One day during Max's little stay at Matt's house Matt's mom was making some stew in the crock-pot. So Matt gets home from school and Max comes to after a while. Smelling the stew cooking Max ask Matt if he would get him some of the stew. Matt tells him sure and that he will put it on the dining room table.
Matt goes into the kitchen and gets a spoon and napkin and takes them to the dining room table. He then goes back into the kitchen to get a bowl of stew for himself and Uncle Max. While he is pouring the stew into the bowls he hears this strange scraping sound. He stops and listens for the sound and after a second or two he hears it again. After going to investigate he follows the sound to the dining room where he finds the noise. Max is now sitting at the dinning room table with a spoon in hand SCRAPING the finish off of the table and EATING IT!
Max notices Matt standing there and says "Can I have a glass of water? This stew is dry." Ummm, yeah…
Why?
- Why is it so hard for someone to clear the unused time off of the microwave?
- Why is it so hard for people to make more coffee?
- Why do people feel the need to cut across multiple lanes of traffic to make an exit? Couldn't you just go to the next exit and turn around? Or, oh I don't know, maybe pay attention to what you are doing?
- Why is it that every time I hit a monster drive, my putting falls apart?
- Why is it that the traffic on the drive home sucks the energy right out of me?
- Why is it that people can sue for anything?
- Why is it that I always feel like working out when I am in a position where I can't?
- Why is it that they can't get my food/drink order right?
- Why do the stores already have the Christmas stuff out?
- Why is it that I always want something?
- Why is it that people can't be responsible for themselves?
- Why is it that I expect more from the people around me than I do everyone else?
- Why do I get all of these porno myspace friend request?
- Why didn't I find out about Wesley Willis sooner?
- Why can't I find my Korg tuner?
- Why can't I find enough time to do the things that I would like to do?
- Why do I keep having these weird dreams?
- Why did the Van Halen brothers loose their minds?
- Why is it that because I drive fast that every punk under 30 thinks that I am trying to race them?
- Why is it that the people who are most beneficial to society are paid the least?
- Why is it that there are commercials asking people to give money for homeless/hungry in other countries when we have multiple thousands of the same here?
- Why is it that I always forget about the left-over's in the fridge?
- Why do people talk on cell phones while in public restrooms?
- Why do food delivery trucks only list fish on the back of them?
- Why am I already in the holiday spirit?
- Why are me and my friends such a-holes?
- Why do I keep loosing socks and underwear?
- Why is it that most of the people that I see speeding through school zones are in mini vans?
- Why is it that I think about weird things all of the time?
- Why is it that I feel like such an ass when I discipline my children or tell them no?
- Why is it that I can't sing? No, really, I mean it. I suck.
- Why is it that the little devil guy on my shoulder is always more convincing?
- Why do I love beer so much?
- Why can't I be in Mexico right now?
- Why is it that one bad hole can jack up my entire round?
- Why is it so hard for people to make more coffee?
- Why do people feel the need to cut across multiple lanes of traffic to make an exit? Couldn't you just go to the next exit and turn around? Or, oh I don't know, maybe pay attention to what you are doing?
- Why is it that every time I hit a monster drive, my putting falls apart?
- Why is it that the traffic on the drive home sucks the energy right out of me?
- Why is it that people can sue for anything?
- Why is it that I always feel like working out when I am in a position where I can't?
- Why is it that they can't get my food/drink order right?
- Why do the stores already have the Christmas stuff out?
- Why is it that I always want something?
- Why is it that people can't be responsible for themselves?
- Why is it that I expect more from the people around me than I do everyone else?
- Why do I get all of these porno myspace friend request?
- Why didn't I find out about Wesley Willis sooner?
- Why can't I find my Korg tuner?
- Why can't I find enough time to do the things that I would like to do?
- Why do I keep having these weird dreams?
- Why did the Van Halen brothers loose their minds?
- Why is it that because I drive fast that every punk under 30 thinks that I am trying to race them?
- Why is it that the people who are most beneficial to society are paid the least?
- Why is it that there are commercials asking people to give money for homeless/hungry in other countries when we have multiple thousands of the same here?
- Why is it that I always forget about the left-over's in the fridge?
- Why do people talk on cell phones while in public restrooms?
- Why do food delivery trucks only list fish on the back of them?
- Why am I already in the holiday spirit?
- Why are me and my friends such a-holes?
- Why do I keep loosing socks and underwear?
- Why is it that most of the people that I see speeding through school zones are in mini vans?
- Why is it that I think about weird things all of the time?
- Why is it that I feel like such an ass when I discipline my children or tell them no?
- Why is it that I can't sing? No, really, I mean it. I suck.
- Why is it that the little devil guy on my shoulder is always more convincing?
- Why do I love beer so much?
- Why can't I be in Mexico right now?
- Why is it that one bad hole can jack up my entire round?
Sack and Save
I have a friend named Matt who has a home life that would give Jerry Springer a boner.
He has a raging alcoholic uncle named Max, who we will hear about later. His mother divorced his father and married her ex-husband's brother, who Matt refers to as "Uncle Step-dad". Therefore making Matt his own first cousin, which has to cut down on the cost of family reunions. There is also his sister who used to date women but is now married and has children that Matt loves to introduce as a "recovering lesbian".
So this leaves Matt's dad. From what I know, he is a nice guy, hard worker and all of that good stuff. His dad works for a major electronics manufacturer and has to travel to Asia regularly. You know how when someone goes somewhere they bring their loved ones back a t-shirt or a knick knack as a souvenir? Matt's dad brought him back a step-mom. I don't know all of the details, but on one of his dads business trips he brought back this woman and married her.
So one day, several years back, Matt and his mommason are at the grocery store. After they gather all of their items they head to the checkout. There is a middle eastern woman behind the counter ringing up their groceries. The cashier ask Matt's mom if she had any coupons. Matt's step-mother didn't understand what the lady said and asked her to repeat it. About this time another lady walks up to the conveyer and starts to unload her basket. Again the cashier asked Matt's step-mom if she had any coupons. And again, Matt's step-mother said that she didn't understand her and asked her to repeat it one more time. The cashier turns to the lady who walked up and says in her thick accent and I quote "These foreigners, they don't speak good English". This pisses Matt's step-mother off and she says in her heavy accent "Oh! I don't speaka de good Engrish? You don't speaka good Engrish!! You understanda FUCK YOU!!" and gives the cashier the finger.
Thank god they didn't throw down, I would have hated to have had an "International Incident" at the Sack & Save.
He has a raging alcoholic uncle named Max, who we will hear about later. His mother divorced his father and married her ex-husband's brother, who Matt refers to as "Uncle Step-dad". Therefore making Matt his own first cousin, which has to cut down on the cost of family reunions. There is also his sister who used to date women but is now married and has children that Matt loves to introduce as a "recovering lesbian".
So this leaves Matt's dad. From what I know, he is a nice guy, hard worker and all of that good stuff. His dad works for a major electronics manufacturer and has to travel to Asia regularly. You know how when someone goes somewhere they bring their loved ones back a t-shirt or a knick knack as a souvenir? Matt's dad brought him back a step-mom. I don't know all of the details, but on one of his dads business trips he brought back this woman and married her.
So one day, several years back, Matt and his mommason are at the grocery store. After they gather all of their items they head to the checkout. There is a middle eastern woman behind the counter ringing up their groceries. The cashier ask Matt's mom if she had any coupons. Matt's step-mother didn't understand what the lady said and asked her to repeat it. About this time another lady walks up to the conveyer and starts to unload her basket. Again the cashier asked Matt's step-mom if she had any coupons. And again, Matt's step-mother said that she didn't understand her and asked her to repeat it one more time. The cashier turns to the lady who walked up and says in her thick accent and I quote "These foreigners, they don't speak good English". This pisses Matt's step-mother off and she says in her heavy accent "Oh! I don't speaka de good Engrish? You don't speaka good Engrish!! You understanda FUCK YOU!!" and gives the cashier the finger.
Thank god they didn't throw down, I would have hated to have had an "International Incident" at the Sack & Save.
Something that I have never told but just a handful of people.
Several years back I bought my first house. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Beautiful clear spring day, the sun was shining, little puffy white clouds in the sky, a bit breezy, about 80 degrees. Just a perfect day, even if I was writing a huge check.
I close on the house, funding goes through and I get the keys with no problems. Since I had the keys I started to move in. I thought it might be a good idea to get the important stuff taken care of first. So I put my bed together, hook up the washer and dryer, hook up the fridge, unpack my clothes, stuff like that. And I was doing pretty good too. This was probably because I didn't have cable or internet service yet. I mean it was the first day.
I don't know if it was because this was a new-to-me house or if it was because of the kind of friends that I have or what, but I kept hearing what I thought were strange things. Like I would hear the storm door open and close, but no one would knock or ring the bell. This didn't bother me at first, but then it kept happening as the day turned to night. Now it is dark out and this is my first time in this house other than touring it prior to buying it. And I hear it again, the storm door opens and shuts but nothing happens. Since I was moving in, I had all of the lights in the house on and was moving from room to room. One time as I was walking by the entry way I heard the storm door open again. Thinking it was someone I know jacking with me, I thought I would turn on the porch light and open the door really fast to bust them. When I opened the door, there was no one there. Damn, they must be fast to get out of sight that quick, haha. So I realize that it is the wind blowing the door around and from what I could tell from a brief inspection the door wouldn't stay closed unless it was locked. So I locked it, no more open and closing, cool.
So there I am being a busy little bee just doing as much as I could to get unpacked and things put where I want them when I realized that I was getting tired. Since I couldn't just flip on the TV I thought the next best thing would be to just go to bed. I am guessing it is around midnight at this point.
I am lying in bed, just about to doze off and I hear a strange noise. I can't really describe it in text but it was almost like a strange squeaking/creaking noise. I sat up for a second, looked around and didn't hear it anymore and just shrugged it off. I lie back down, get comfortable and try to get to sleep when I hear it again. WTF is that noise? So I sit up in bed and really listen to see if I can hear it again. Nothing. Once more I lie down, pull the covers up and try to get some sleep when out of nowhere I hear it again! DAMNIT! What is that noise? So now I am on a mission, it's me or the noise, one of us is going to have to go. So I am looking everywhere, front door, back door, laundry room, under the sink, toilet tank, kitchen, you name it. I even decided to check out the closet. I go and get a chair, why I have no idea, but I decided to check the upper shelf on my master closet. I am all the way in the back of the closet, the light is on and I am standing on a chair with my hand searching the top shelf when I felt something. What is this? I slide it to me and see that it is … a paper mask of Mad magazines Alfred E. Newman that just about made me wet all of my clothes hanging there. I don't know why but to see this weird smiling tooth missing face where the eyes cut out kind of startled me for a second.
Forgetting what I was looking for, I took a deep breath in and out and then I heard the noise again. It was my damn nose whistling! Spring time and allergies are in full force. The creepy sound I was hearing was me, half asleep, exhaling through my congested nose which caused it to whistle.
I close on the house, funding goes through and I get the keys with no problems. Since I had the keys I started to move in. I thought it might be a good idea to get the important stuff taken care of first. So I put my bed together, hook up the washer and dryer, hook up the fridge, unpack my clothes, stuff like that. And I was doing pretty good too. This was probably because I didn't have cable or internet service yet. I mean it was the first day.
I don't know if it was because this was a new-to-me house or if it was because of the kind of friends that I have or what, but I kept hearing what I thought were strange things. Like I would hear the storm door open and close, but no one would knock or ring the bell. This didn't bother me at first, but then it kept happening as the day turned to night. Now it is dark out and this is my first time in this house other than touring it prior to buying it. And I hear it again, the storm door opens and shuts but nothing happens. Since I was moving in, I had all of the lights in the house on and was moving from room to room. One time as I was walking by the entry way I heard the storm door open again. Thinking it was someone I know jacking with me, I thought I would turn on the porch light and open the door really fast to bust them. When I opened the door, there was no one there. Damn, they must be fast to get out of sight that quick, haha. So I realize that it is the wind blowing the door around and from what I could tell from a brief inspection the door wouldn't stay closed unless it was locked. So I locked it, no more open and closing, cool.
So there I am being a busy little bee just doing as much as I could to get unpacked and things put where I want them when I realized that I was getting tired. Since I couldn't just flip on the TV I thought the next best thing would be to just go to bed. I am guessing it is around midnight at this point.
I am lying in bed, just about to doze off and I hear a strange noise. I can't really describe it in text but it was almost like a strange squeaking/creaking noise. I sat up for a second, looked around and didn't hear it anymore and just shrugged it off. I lie back down, get comfortable and try to get to sleep when I hear it again. WTF is that noise? So I sit up in bed and really listen to see if I can hear it again. Nothing. Once more I lie down, pull the covers up and try to get some sleep when out of nowhere I hear it again! DAMNIT! What is that noise? So now I am on a mission, it's me or the noise, one of us is going to have to go. So I am looking everywhere, front door, back door, laundry room, under the sink, toilet tank, kitchen, you name it. I even decided to check out the closet. I go and get a chair, why I have no idea, but I decided to check the upper shelf on my master closet. I am all the way in the back of the closet, the light is on and I am standing on a chair with my hand searching the top shelf when I felt something. What is this? I slide it to me and see that it is … a paper mask of Mad magazines Alfred E. Newman that just about made me wet all of my clothes hanging there. I don't know why but to see this weird smiling tooth missing face where the eyes cut out kind of startled me for a second.
Forgetting what I was looking for, I took a deep breath in and out and then I heard the noise again. It was my damn nose whistling! Spring time and allergies are in full force. The creepy sound I was hearing was me, half asleep, exhaling through my congested nose which caused it to whistle.
Sometimes these 'heartwarming' stories are a bit too sappy for me
Sometimes these 'heartwarming' stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Got a little tip for you fellas....
Guys, if you ever see a woman eating or buying this in a store, propose to her IMMEDIATELY!!
Do not think about it, do not wonder what your friends will think, do not pass go, get on one knee and ask that bitch to marry you right then and there and then tell her you will take her to pick out rings right away. Trust me, it is for the greater good.
Do not think about it, do not wonder what your friends will think, do not pass go, get on one knee and ask that bitch to marry you right then and there and then tell her you will take her to pick out rings right away. Trust me, it is for the greater good.
Genius Idea!
I listen to talk radio a lot while I am at work, sometimes for no other reason than to break some of the silence. Yesterday must have been a slow news day because every show was covering the same study/survey, which is that more people can name all seven ingredients of McDonald's Big Mac than can name all Ten Commandments. What I am wondering is who did this study? I am sure I could find out if I REALLY cared, but I don't. My feeling is that it is the people at McDonalds. Think about it, you release this "amazing" study and people talk about it all day. Then guess what, they go get a Big Mac. Oh hell yeah, it worked on me. I kept hear that stupid survey and hearing the stupid commercial in my head "two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onion on a sesame seed bun" over and over in my head all day long. And I was craving a Big Mac. Not only did it work on me, I was talking to a buddy on the phone during my ride home yesterday and our conversation went a little like this.
Me: Hey man, what are you doing?Him: Oh just getting some drive thru on the way home.Me: Oh really, what are you getting?Him: Mickey D's. Hey did you know that more people can name all seven ingredients of the Big Mac then can name the Ten Commandments?
Holy Crap! That is some powerful subliminal advertising! If they were smart the Domino's people would jump on this and rush some radio "studies" out. Something like people have named the "Noid" as their favorite food mascot or something like that. Think about it, people would think back to the Noid (you know you are doing it now) and then they would think "man it is Friday, been a long week, I don't want to cook dinner tonight, let's order a pizza" and BOOM domino's sales go through the roof. I bet it would work.
Me: Hey man, what are you doing?Him: Oh just getting some drive thru on the way home.Me: Oh really, what are you getting?Him: Mickey D's. Hey did you know that more people can name all seven ingredients of the Big Mac then can name the Ten Commandments?
Holy Crap! That is some powerful subliminal advertising! If they were smart the Domino's people would jump on this and rush some radio "studies" out. Something like people have named the "Noid" as their favorite food mascot or something like that. Think about it, people would think back to the Noid (you know you are doing it now) and then they would think "man it is Friday, been a long week, I don't want to cook dinner tonight, let's order a pizza" and BOOM domino's sales go through the roof. I bet it would work.
I think I am about to cry
My boss, who rules, just brought me a box that would hold a case of beer FULL of golf balls. I am guessing that there are between 100 and 200 golf balls in there. Most appear to be in good shape and damn near everyone of them are Titleist! They live on a really nice course in the area and have maybe three times more balls at home. It's like Christmas came early!
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