Jim, one of the biggest dumbasses I have ever met

Shortly after moving to Texas I began the search for my own place to live. Though some friends I met a guy named Jim. It just so happens that Jim owned a house and was thinking about renting out one of the rooms since he lived alone. It would help him with the mortgage and give him someone to talk to and whatnot. I was not really looking for a roommate but the price was right so I thought I would give it a shot. Other than one past roommate, Tim, all of my other roommate experiences have been hell. I will have to tell you about Nick in another blog to come.

Any way, back to Jim, that idiot that was and still is. In the beginning he seemed like a nice, kind of nerdy, normal guy. But he was just an idiot. Let's see, he is a bit older than I am, ex-military, as far as I knew didn't abuse drugs or booze, had a decent personality, holds down a job as a HVAC guy, but he was just an idiot, as I found out later.

You may be asking "Now Sweezey, why do you think this guy is an idiot?" Well friend, I am glad you asked and I will tell you why. I don't think he is an idiot because he would take a perfectly good cut of beef and pan fry it in butter as opposed to grilling it, nor would I say he is an idiot because he was too cheap to buy coffee filters and stole those brown paper towels from his work to use for a lot of things (including coffee filters) around the house, nor would I say it was because he would use those can air fresheners in every room in the house. Hey it is your house, whore it up all you want. As I have previously stated and as Jim would bring up multiple times in one fashion or another during every conversation, he was in the military which is great, but what is not great is the amount of BS that he forces upon ones auditory senses. Jim likes to talk about how he was "wounded" while in Viet Nam, insert eye roll here. Jim was in Viet Nam that part has been proven, on many occasions. However, what else has been proven is how he got "wounded", this flake lost the tip of one of his fingers in a can opener, A FUCKING CAN OPENER and he is waiting on his metal. Not wounded while fighting off an army of Viet Kong, not wounded while saving a fellow solider, not wounded while escaping from a POW Camp, nope, he got a flesh wound while trying to get into his Beanies and Weenies. This dork thinks he deserves a metal because he is too stupid to work a can opener, A FREAKING CAN OPENER! Not even an electric one, a hand crank one. Forrest did it to himself. But that's not the only reason that he has proven himself worthy of the crown of Idiotroplis, oh no we can't quit there. For some reason he thinks it is impressive to brag about how he does not have felling in two of his fingers because of the military. He will tell you that you could hold a flame to them and he couldn't feel it and wants people to pinch his fingers and stuff like that all the time. I asked him if he would let me slam them in the door but he didn't go for that. So one afternoon he was working on someone's car air conditioning when I come home. I see Jim under the hood of this car and instantly think to myself "where is my video camera?" because I knew something was going to happen, all I had to do was to wait. In an effort to keep from missing the upcoming entertainment, I went inside, got a drink and came back out to watch with some sort of morbid interest. Jim and this guy are trying to trouble shoot why the a/c unit is not working right. Jim goes into the garage and gets his circuit tester and begins trying to find out what is getting electricity and what's not. Jim instructs the guy to start the engine. Ahh yes, the show is about to begin! As a courtesy I went ahead and dialed 9-1 and just waited until I needed to dial the other 1. So there is Jim, randomly piercing wires with this circuit tester (which lights up when a circuit is complete) when I see him going for a group of wires coming out of the alternator. I had to say something, so I said "Hey Jim, I don't think you want to do that, that's the output from the alternator". No sooner had I finished the sentence when Jim began to invent a new dance. I guess it was called the "Bladder Release Jerk" because that's what he did. So Jim goes in and gets some clean pants and comes back out. But now he has decided that the electrical system is good and decides to see if there is enough coolant in the unit. For several minutes he is pumping coolant into this little car compressor when he ask the other guy if he can tell if the unit is getting cold to the touch and that he can't tell because of the numb fingers. The other guy says "Yeah, I guess so" when Jim decides to see if he can tell when all of the sudden BOOM!!! The hose from the compressor burst due to the extreme pressure and shoots Jim out from under the hood and onto the lawn. Without missing a beat I asked Jim if he could feel that and went inside for a refill. What a freaking idiot.

As if that wasn't enough, one day I come home from work on a fall afternoon and Jim is "working" on the cable box. Great, now I need to go to the bookstore. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get HBO or Showtime for free. Well in his infinite wisdom he screwed up the box, just not bad enough that it didn't work any more but it was bad enough that you didn't know what channel you were watching or what channel you were going to. Sort of like a virtual quantum leap. Later that night we are both in the living room watching TV when Jim switches channels and happens to land on a news broadcast, the weather segment to be specific. And it was a doozy, it would appear that a sever cold front was blowing in. Since Jim works outside mostly he went off to get some weather appropriate clothes ready for the next day. You know, for that cold front that was blowing in, into Chicago! Nostraidiot didn't wait for the end of the broadcast where they tell you that you what is coming up next on WGN. Ironically, it was really warm in Dallas the next day, Jim had sweat his ass off all day. Tisk tisk.

But what really put him in the idiot record books is when he tried to explain the internet to me against my will. Not that I wasn't interested in the internet but I already had a pretty good grip on how it works and didn't need Idioitasaurous Rex to try to explain it to me. In an attempt to humor him I decided that I would let him say his little spill and then haul ass without asking any questions, which would have prolonged the suffering for me. The jest of what the Idiotatola Khomeini was saying was that the entire internet consists of 6 CD ROMs on a computer in California. Yep, you got it. All of the information on the internet, all of the webpages, all of the data files, everything is on 6 CDs on a computer in California. Please god don't ever let this guy get elected president.

None of this would have been a big deal but Jim began to want the rent weekly and often forgot that I paid him the week before. I took pity on the idiot at first, then it became and epidemic and I had to find a more suitable living arrangement. I proposed that we use a calendar and not have to rely on anyone's memory and that way there would be no questions, but he didn't want to go for that. The final straw was when I came home one Friday after work and the house is full of these little girls. You see the people that I met Jim through had moved over seas because the husband's job transferred him. Well they had a daughter that I later figured out that Jim must have been hot for. So he would gather all of this girls friends together, bring them over to the house and call the family, you know so that these little girls could talk to their friend. Oh hell no pervy, I got to cut bait now. I won't even go into all of the creepy stuff he did in regards to that.

I wonder if he ever figured out what happened to his toothbrush. You will have to ask about that one, not going to post it on here.