College Football picks week 1

Well boys and girls, I am back. It’s been a long time but this blog is back in action. Starting off with some college football picks from my buddy Bud and myself. I use my knowledge and experience of college football and Bud picks the winner based on which mascot he thinks would win in a fight.

The games for this week are:
North Carolina at No. 6 South Carolina
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
Rutgers at Fresno State
No. 24 USC at Hawaii
Morgan State at Army
Texas Tech at Southern Methodist
Buffalo at No. 2 Ohio State
Villanova at Boston College
Purdue at Cincinnati
Toledo at No. 10 Florida
Rice at No. 7 Texas A&M
Mississippi State vs. No. 13 Oklahoma State
Temple at No. 14 Notre Dame
No. 1 Alabama vs. Virginia Tech
No. 5 Georgia at No. 8 Clemson
No. 12 LSU vs. No. 20 TCU
No. 11 Florida State at Pittsburgh

North Carolina at No. 6 South Carolina:
My Pick – Come on, there is no question in this one. South Carolina all the way. And this isn’t my SEC bias coming through, it’s just common sense. I know Larry Fedora is on a tear but coach Spurrier is on a mission. And that mission is to win the SEC east. Plus with all of the hype that Clowney has gotten in the off season, they are going to have to play some lights out football from the first snap or hold on tight because it’s going to be a bumpy ride out of the top ten and beyond if they don’t.
Bud’s Practical Pick – What the hell is a Tar Heel? Is that really a dude with tar on his foot? And he’s fighting a chicken? I am going with the fighting chickens on this one. Those are some mean damn birds and if this guy has sticky tar on the bottom of his foot, so he’s not going to be able to move around and get away from the bird. And South Carolina is the home team, so that means it’s in a chicken coop.

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt:
My Pick – I don’t know why, but I like this game. I like both teams, some. And I think that Vandy is going to give Ole Miss a better game than they are expecting. Not to say that I don’t think Old Miss isn’t going to win soundly. I just don’t think that Vandy is going to look like the Vandy of old.
Bud’s Practical Pick – So we got Commodores verses Rebels? Isn’t Nashville in the middle of Tennessee? Like not on a coast? Or are these the Commodores that Lionel Richie was part of? Either way, I think some renegade fighters will be able to handle some geriatric singers and some Navy guys who will be far away from their boats.

Rutgers at Fresno State:
My Pick – I know there are a lot of Fresno State fans out there, and I like them too but I just don’t see them beating Rutgers. I think the Jersey boys will be able to bring home the W without an issue.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Man, somebody better call the SPCA because a dude in armor with weapons against a dog is going to be animal abuse. Fresno State isn’t going to stand a chance.

No. 24 USC at Hawaii:
My Pick – Come on, USC is going to crush Hawaii. Hawaii hasn’t done much since June Jones left for Dallas. And Lane Kiffin is desperate to show people that he can coach his way out of a paper bag.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Trojans against Warriors? Damn, on the surface you would think that this would be a tie. But then I found out that Hawaii used to be the Rainbows. Seriously?! Just because of that, I have to throw my vote to the Trojans.

Morgan State at Army:
My Pick – I won’t even pretend that I know much about Morgan State and as a proud American, I always support the armed forces. Go Army.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Bears are going to the Army to fight the Army? Those are some dumbass bears! The Army has tanks and bazookas and missiles and stuff like that. And aren’t bears getting ready to hibernate? That’s got to impact their ability. Plus, skin is no match for an M-16.

Texas Tech at Southern Methodist:
My Pick – Oh Tech is going to win this one. But I would really like to see SMU get back to winning like they did when they were paying players.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Red Raiders and Mustangs huh. From what I’ve seen, the Red Raiders ride on Mustangs. No brainer, Texas Tech wins. But why are they red? Are they blushing?

Buffalo at No. 2 Ohio State:
My Pick – Oh god, the thought of Urban Meyer winning makes me ill. But they will. And it will look like a junior high team scrimmaging against a varsity high school team.
Bud’s Practical Pick – A bull against a plant? Hardly seems fair. And wouldn’t it make more sense for Buffalo’s mascot to be a buffalo? I can’t see a bull losing a fight against something that it eats.

Villanova at Boston College:
My Pick – This is a football game, right? Cause it sounds like a road to the final four game to me. And Villanova has a football team? Interesting. None the less, BC is going to win this game hands down.
Bud’s Practical Pick – A wildcat taking on an eagle. Initially I thought that there was no way that a wildcat would lose to an eagle, but then I remembered that the game is going to be at the eagle’s home, in the sky! Wildcats can’t fly.

Purdue at Cincinnati:
My Pick – The Bearcats have shown some moments of greatness over the last few years. The Boilermakers… not so much. I see Cinci winning this one by a respectable amount.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Wait, I’m confused. Is Purdue the trains or the boilermakers? And what is a boilermaker? Is that a guy who builds boilers? Like what people used to use for heating water? Or is it the mixed drink? I guess it really doesn’t matter as long as they are not the trains. I don’t exactly know what a bearcat is but it sounds mean, damn mean. Cincinnati wins.

Toledo at No. 10 Florida:
My Pick – I think Toledo will have a good year, not starting this Saturday but overall. The crocs are going to handle them without question.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Even in a swamp there is nooo way that an alligator would be able to beat a Rocket. A freaking rocket! Toledo wins.

Rice at No. 7 Texas A&M:
My Pick – Even with their starting QB sitting out half the game, ATM is going to win this game. At least it won’t be a long ride home for the Owls.
Bud’s Practical Pick – An owl verses a farmer? Don’t farmers shoot owls out of their barns? Farmers all the way.

Mississippi State vs. No. 13 Oklahoma State:
My Pick – I actually think this is going to be a good game. I think Dan Mullen is a good coach and has recruited some good talent in Starkville. Tyler Russell is a good quarterback who had a pretty good year last year. But he has some new receivers and linemen. We will have to see what they can do with a middle of the road running game. On the other side of the field is Mike Gundy and the Oklahoma State Cowboys. I still can’t tell if Gundy is a good coach or just a good hype machine. A pre-season #13 ranking would lean towards him being a good coach. But I don’t put a lot of stock in preseason rankings. And the media is picking OSU to win the Big 12. But this is for a team that went 8-5 last year, the same record that the unranked Mississippi State Bulldogs had. But Gundy and OSU used three different QBs to achieve that. It’s going to be a close one and I am leaning towards the Cowpokes in this one.
Bud’s Practical Pick – A cowboy against a dog? Even if the dogs had rabies they would still lose because cowboys have guns. OSU rubs their nose in it.

Temple at No. 14 Notre Dame:
My Pick – Notre Dame is looking for some redemption from last year’s embarrassing national title game. They are going to have a chip on their shoulder and Golson is going to come out swinging. Last year Temple couldn’t pass the potatoes. And now they have a new coach who is trying to install a new offense. This is going to be ugly. Notre Dame is going win this with the backups in.
Bud’s Practical Pick – An owl verses a leprechaun? I guess this is pretty cut and dry. I mean there is only one clear cut choice in this. You have to go with the owls, leprechauns don’t exist. How can they win? Duh!

No. 1 Alabama vs. Virginia Tech:
My Pick – Rammer Jammer! There isn’t a chance that Frankie B is going to be able to match the coaching or talent that Alabama is bringing this year. Like a lot of other teams, I like Virginia Tech… when they aren’t playing against Alabama. I can see this game starting out decent but as the half draws near I think those Bama boys are going to just be too much for VT to handle.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Is that a turkey? That’s a turkey, right? I can’t see a turkey being able to do anything against an elephant. It’s a freaking elephant! Alabama wins this one easily.

No. 5 Georgia at No. 8 Clemson:
My Pick – This promises to be a good game. And it’s two top ten teams. But that is a preseason ranking. And as I have stated before, preseason rankings don’t hold a lot of weight with me. The Bulldogs lost Jarvis Jones in the offseason to the NFL draft, which is going to hurt them on defense. But their offense still has Aaron Murray under center and that is in their favor. Clemson on the other hand, has a talented QB by the name of Tajh Boyd who is no slouch. One thing that I think will help Clemson’s defense this year is that some of the members of their secondary who were out due to injuries last season are back and appear to be healthy. While Clemson is looking better, they are starting out the season against a much tougher team than they started out against last year. But I don’t think they are going to be able to stop Georgia. Bulldogs win this one.
Bud’s Practical Pick – I can’t watch this one. A tiger and a bulldog, that’s just messed up. Tigers all the way.

No. 12 LSU vs. No. 20 TCU:
My Pick – Interesting matchup. I honestly think that TCU is currently over ranked and LSU lost a ton of players to the NFL in the offseason. I will say that I think Miles is a better coach than Patterson. And Miles has pretty much the entire state of Louisiana to recruit to himself while TCU has to share Texas with Texas, Texas A&M, Baylor, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Baylor and so on. And to make matters worse, TCU hasn’t announced who will be their starting quarterback yet. Looks like the kitties win this one.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Another tiger and a frog, a horned one at that. I can’t see how frogs can put up much of a fight against a tiger. I think they would be a snack for the tigers. LSU gobbles them up.

No. 11 Florida State at Pittsburgh:
My Pick – No question about it. Get your war paint on because FSU is going to crush Pittsburgh. I think Fisher has the Seminoles ready to win the ACC this year. I will be honest and say that I don’t know much about Paul Chryst, but I haven’t see much come out of Pittsburgh since Larry Fitzgerald, but my gut says to go with the ‘Noles.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Not so fast my friend! I heard someone say that before. We are talking about Indians and panthers going at it. Man eating cats against guys with homemade weapons. Some may think that the humans having weapons would have the advantage, but they are going to a panthers den. Those cats know where to hide and then pounce when the time is right! Pittsburgh wins!

- Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - Big metal rocket that used to be on the playground at Chisolm Park in Hurst

Dear Sweezey,

Do you know what happened to the big metal rocket that used to be on the playground at
Chisolm Park in Hurst? I talked to a city parks official that said it was moved to Bellaire
park sometime in the 90s and was taken down about 5 years later. He didn't know what
happened to it after. Anyone know?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Someone found the weed you hid in that rocket a long time ago. Let it go.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at
DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

TV Guide

For those of you who didn’t know me as a child let me give you a little background on me. I grew up in a very small town in Alabama and that’s pretty much all that you need to know about this post. Don’t get me wrong, I love Alabama. Had some of the best times of my life in Alabama and some of the greatest people in my life are either in or from Alabama. But this particular post falls right in line with the stereotype.

So I grew up in a middle class neighborhood in a small town as I mentioned. And on the surface everything was pretty normal. But peel away a layer or two and the quirkiness of some of the people in the neighborhood starts to shine through.

You see there was this one family in our neighborhood that collected something unique, TV Guides.

I remember as a kid this family had a bookcase in their hallway that was just filled with TV Guides, years and years worth of TV Guides as a matter of fact. I remember asking my friend who lived there over and over again what was up with all of the TV Guides. No other publications, just TV Guides. And over and over again I would get some brush off answer about how his dad thought that they might be worth a lot of money one day or some other lame excuse.

And then one day a second bookcase showed up in the hallway. And week by week it slowly began to fill up with more TV Guides. One day I was hanging out and started to thumb through them. And there was nothing special about them. Nothing was hidden in them, the crossword puzzle wasn’t even started, nothing.

Then one day there was a police chase that came through our neighborhood where the guy who was running from the cops lost control of his motorcycle and crashed into the family’s car, catching it and then their house on fire. It was horrible, every issue burned.

The mystery of the TV Guides will remain unanswered for ever now. After a couple of months the house was rebuilt and for some reason the TV Guide bookcase was nowhere to be found. Of course I had to ask about them and of course I got a brush off answer, this time with attitude.

Then one day a couple of months later, a bookcase appeared in the hallway again. And placed on it was this cute little pair of TV Guides. YES!!!! Glorious TV Guides! Now I have something to bug my friend about.

At this point I couldn’t have cared less about the damn magazines or why they were keeping them, I just liked to bust their chops about them. So I go up to my friend and say that I see that the TV Guides are back and ask him what’s up with that.

If you are eating or drinking anything, you might want to go ahead and swallow it before you continue reading. It’s ok, I’ll wait.

So my friend says to me in a huff, and I quote, “My dad is keeping them because he thinks that toilet paper is going to go out of style. And when they quit making it we are going to wipe our butts with the pages of TV Guide.”

I shit you not, pun intended

- Don’t get dead

I don’t know; maybe just give him a warning.

Cops: Man awaiting sobriety test takes last swig

BELLEVIEW, Fla. – Authorities said a central Florida man took one last swig of alcohol while waiting to take a sobriety test. Marion County Sheriff's deputies stopped 61-year-old Dana Seaman after noticing his car swerve three times. Seaman said he'd been drinking and agreed to a sobriety test. But first, Deputy Eric Larson said he watched Seaman drink from a cup and toss it under the passenger seat. According to a police report, the cup smelled strongly of alcohol.

Seaman refused a breath test. He has been charged with DUI.

A message left for Seaman was not immediately returned Monday.

I swear to God that is a real news story. Pulled from the AP.

Ok, normally I would be all over the suspect’s ass like Lindsay Lohan at a wine tasting.  But in this case I think the local Sheriff’s office should throw him a bone. Why? His name is freaking Dana Seaman…SEAMAN! He has lived 61 years with the last name of SEAMAN. No wonder he was drinking.

What I don’t understand is why he didn’t change his name a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time ago? I know that I would have been at the court house at the very first opportunity I had to start the legal name change process. I would have been Dana Smith just as soon as humanly possible. He wouldn’t even have to change anything he had initialed. Think he didn’t change it because of pride or that spiffy family crest?

Could you imagine the hell his youth was, especially after sex ed class? Now Mr. Seaman has quite a few years on me but I would guess that kids were just as big of a-holes when he was in school as they were when I was in school. He is just lucky that his parents weren’t hippies or something and named him Swallow or something like that.

The funniest lines from that story have to be, “Seaman refused a breath test.” and “A message left for Seaman was not immediately returned Monday.” I know it is juvenile, but you laughed too!

-- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – What makes you so special?

Dear Sweezey,

  What makes you so special?  Why do you think that you are an authority on anything?

Just curious

Dear Just curious,

God given talent my boy.  Served up with a nice slice of common sense and topped off with just enough smartassedness to keep the world turning.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

-          Don’t get dead

New Chapter - House Sitting

If you have been following me for a while, you would know that I have a book in the works. Not just any book. A book on how to be an a-hole. You have to dance with who brought you, you know. You can check out some of the previous chapters here .

So this installation is a new chapter. Unlike previous chapters this chapter is specific to one topic, house sitting. Since it is the summer time and the time that a lot of people go on vacation, a lot of people get asked to house sit. And if you have to take care of someone else’s house, why not make it worth your while?! And I’m going easy on this one! So here are some fun things you can do just if asked to house sit, especially if you are sitting for someone who stresses easily.

Some of the basic stuff, like removing all of the knobs from the cooktop/oven/range/stove. Yeah, just put them in a drawer or the dishwasher or something.

How about turn everything, that doesn’t leak, in the fridge upside down.

If you happen to have and know how to use the special key, lock all of the interior doors. Bedrooms, bathrooms, pantry, everything! If you are feeling really adventurous, go and buy some new door handles that lock if some of the ones don’t lock.

Change the sheets in the master bedroom to kiddy sheets. You know, clowns, baseball, princesses and stuff like that.

Remember when you were in elementary school and you had art class? Remember those big ass rolls of paper? Put some of that loud ass art paper under all of the cushions. Couch, chairs, love seat, hell even under the ottoman if you can.

Replace all plates, glasses and silverware with plastic. Take the stuff out of the cabinets and put it in a box in a closet or something. Then fill the cabinets back with red solo cups and paper plates, don’t forget the flatware. Of course you will have to do the same for the china cabinet.

And while you are in the kitchen, take and move everything in the cabinets to different cabinets. So where the serving dishes are put the Tupperware and so on.

Remove all of the light bulbs, yeah you heard me. Take all of the light bulbs out of every light, put them in a box and stick under the kitchen sink or something.

Unplug everything but the fridge or anything with a clock on it. The reason you don’t want to unplug the things with clocks on them is because you want to reset each clock to a different time. One clock will say 1:14 and another will say 8:33 and the real time is actually 11:00.

Write messages on the mirror in the master bathroom with your finger. Why? Because when they get home they would love a nice warm shower in their own shower. Warm showers equal steam, get it? So when you write a message it will show up on the mirror. I prefer “Get Out” or “Helter Skelter”.

Since it is summer time, most people use their ceiling fans to cool the house. Switch the ceiling fans to blow in the opposite direction.

Get an annoy-a-tron (google it, it’s freaking awesome) and set it somewhere that would be hard to find like on top of the fridge or behind the couch or something.

Turn everything that has a volume up all the way then turn the power off. You know, TVs, radios, and anything else that has a volume.

Turn off the water to the house at the curb. Yeah, go out to the street and cut the water supply. While you are at it, drain the water heater.

Put salt in the sugar and sugar in the salt. Depending on the person, do this one at your own risk.

Leave notes all over the house, such as “Taste Funny” on something in the fridge or “Smells Weird” on a piece of their underwear in the drawer.

Pair their socks with socks that don’t match. You know, an ankle sock with an over the calf sock and so on.

Get a carpet cleaner and clean one spot in a room and leave a note near the spot with an arrow pointing to the spot that reads “Not blood”.

Take some of their clean clothes and put in their laundry room, neatly folder or hung on hangers as if they had just been laundered.

Re-arrange their furniture. Not just move the living room furniture around, put bedroom furniture in there.

Add accent pieces to their living room, pieces that they didn’t already own.

Take something that won’t be hurt by getting wet (such as a toothbrush, hairbrush or can opener) make some jello and put it in the jello when you put it in the fridge, extra points if you can get it in the middle.

Put photos of random people that they don’t know on their fridge.

Lay out some of their clothing similar to a chalk outline.

Remove the batteries out of everything that run on batteries.

Take all of the fliers for things like lawn services, dry cleaning, water filtration, window washing and so on. Write things such as “Coming on Thursday” on them with a sharpie and leave them with the rest of the mail.

Leave fingerprints on every surface that they will show up on, TVs, microwave door, stainless steel appliances.

Line the floor with cling wrap like when a house is being shown, as in when a house is for sale.

Print up fake flyers for the house as if it were for sale and leave them in the entry way.

Cover all of the furniture with sheets

Hide all of the trash cans in the attic.

Spread birdseed everywhere, even throw it on the roof. Birds will flock to it and come back over and over again, it's kind of freaky to see tons of birds all over the place. 

Pop open the smoke detector, vent hood or maybe just an air vent and tape a piece of wire to the inside of it, then feed the wire through one of the holes. Leave loose wire hanging out. This works best on something that is not easy to reach, I recommend the smoke detector.

Fill the trash can with caution tape, crime scene tape is even better if you can get a hold of some.

Print up fake party/orgy flyers and leave them in trash cans throughout the house.

Borrow a live trap and leave it set up (bait and open) in the corner of a room.

Leave sticky notes on everything noting what they do. One on the light that says “Gets Bright”, one on the TV that says “shows moving pictures”, one on the faucet that says “Makes Water”, one on the a/c that says “<-makes house cold|makes house hot ->”, one on the oven that says “Gets Hot” and so on.

Put their junk mail in a box and wrap it up as a gift, leave it with a thank you note.

Take baby powder and leave four or five small lines, about two or three inches long with it. Put a tightly rolled up dollar next to it. Leave it laying there.

-          Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - dental help info

Dear Sweezey,

im 32 with no job, no ins, and very bad teeth.the dental schools seem to take a long
time to get in, and then theres JPS. lookin for any other ideas.i grind my teeth,tried
those guards u can buy but they dont line up overbite,have broken teeth and need 2 root
cannals. so thanks for and ideas

-

ro

Dear ro,

From the looks of your e-mail, it looks like your teeth are just one of many problems.
You say that the dental schools seem to take a long time, have you actually looked into how long it would take? I haven’t but I would assume that they have people getting ready to graduate all the time. I have no idea what JPS is so I can’t help you there. Why don’t you just go to a dentist? I mean you got money for the guards that don’t line up and you have a computer and internet service so you must have some form of income.

And if that’s not an option, I would recommend that you go to a shady part of town and start yelling racial slurs while standing in the middle of the street. That will surely cure your dental problem.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at
DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Need to stop smoking

Dear Sweezey,

I've decided to quit smoking and I was wondering if you had any tips. Real tips that
actually help. Or if anyone out there is an ex-smoker or someone that has personally
known anyone who has quit could respond. All I ask is that you don't waste time telling
me to use patches. I've tried that. It doesn't help. Thanks in advance.

Around the way

Dear Around the way,

This may sound a bit nuts but, don’t light them. Simple, no?

Ok, so that won’t work for you? How about this, how about when you light one put on
a blindfold. Then set the cigarette down on a flat surface like a table and spin it around.
Next, with the blindfold still on, pick up the smoke and stick one end of it in your mouth.
You got a 50/50 shot that you will put the right end in your mouth. I bet that if you put

the business end in your mouth a couple of times you will be able to put them down for
good.

Or how about this, every time you want to have a smoke you take an ambien about a
half hour before and then lay down on your back and light up. I know that if I woke up
with my neck or chest burning I could give a care less about smoking.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at
DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - What would you do?

Dear Sweezey,

What would you do for a Klondyke bar?

- anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I'd junk punch you if given an opportunity.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Oh for the love of God…

When will this horrific basketball tournament end? Talk about the very worst sport in the world to watch. They are running to the left, someone shoots, they are running to the right. Wow, that’s thrilling. At least there are some good sports starting to ramp up. Spring training for football and baseball season is right around the corner. Finally something worthwhile.

Speaking of baseball, looks like I am going to have to make a trip to Atlanta this season to see Chipper Jones play one more time. I would love to see the Braves win the World Series on Chippers last year. And when I’m not pulling for the Braves I am rooting for the Texas Rangers, even if they are in the AL (Almost League). Already have tickets to some games in Arlington, which should be stellar. It’s always a good time at the ball park.

While I am on the subject of going to Arlington, I will be making a trip there in September to see the NCAA defending national champions University of Alabama Crimson Tide play the Michigan Wolverines. Jerry-world is going to be rocking that night.

Speaking of Alabama and tournaments, a lot of people are wanting a playoff system for NCAA football, which I don’t have a problem with either way. But don’t we see pretty much the same handful of teams every year in this stupid basketball tournament? Yet people, for whatever stupid reason, seem like have no problem with that. So because the best teams in NCAA football all happen to be in the same conference everyone gets their shorts in a twist. So if there was a tournament or playoff in football and the SEC was still coming out on top year after year would people still whine about it? I guess some people just can’t accept that there is one conference that is consistently better than the others.

Don’t get dead and ROLL TIDE!!!

If you thought NCAA Football was a mess before, get a load of this…

So today the NCAA voted and approved to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line, which will take effect next season. This was in an effort to keep players safer, in other words, more touchbacks. Ok why don’t we just cut out the BS and eliminate the kickoff and start the game on the 20 yard line. Seems like they want every kickoff to be a touchback. So just save those few seconds of the game for some actual plays.

Not only that but in another effort to keep the players safe, the kicking team will be limited to a 5 yard head start. So let’s think about this for a second shall we? So you want to kick the ball closer to the other team’s goal line and only give the kicking team a 5 yard head start. Wouldn’t that give the receiving team a few seconds more to think about returning the ball? Doesn’t that go against moving the kickoff up five yards to cause more touchbacks? How is that making it safer? Oh and since they only have 5 yards now, don’t you think the gunners are going to try to get to the returner even faster now? Think we are going to see any hamstring injuries? What about when the receiving team does decide to return the ball, think there will be some kids getting their bell rung? Nice job keeping them “safer” NCAA.

And if that’s not enough, there is also a new rule going into effect that will require a player who loses his helmet to leave the game for one play. Are you serious? So you mean to tell me that there are four seconds left on the clock, the team with the ball is down by four and in the red zone but the starting QB lost his helmet the play before so he has to sit out a play? Or the ball is on the goal line and the star running back lost his helmet with 1 second left on the clock and he is going to have to sit out a play. I think some coaches are going to crap a goose on that one. Not only that but on the keeping them safer thing, don’t you think some linebackers are going to try to knock a QB’s helmet off now? I’m not a pessimist and I understand keeping the kids safe but I’m not sure this is the best way to go about it.

Additionally, there are new rules regarding blocking below the waist and blocking on punt returns. So you can’t lead with the head on a tackle, you can’t block in the back and now there is a restriction on blocking below the waist? Why don’t we just have the areas where it is safe to tackle/block someone painted bright yellow or something? Come on, this is ridiculous.

Get this, players will also be prohibited from leaping over blockers when trying to block punts. Seriously? What’s next? Are they going to have to say, “Excuse me” or ask for permission to try to block a punt next? Why not make them hold hands and sing Kum By Ya when they play? Why don’t you just put them in a suit of armor or those big sumo suits?

NCAA, please stop messing around with the game. The officials are having a hard enough time enforcing the rules that have been in place for decades. Throwing this new stuff in is going to really screw with their heads. And look what all of the rule changes did to hockey in the 90’s. You took one of the best and most exciting games to watch and dulled it down big time.

Larry King Interview

The other day I had the opportunity to sit down for a few minutes and have a quick talk with former talk show host Larry King.

Me: Hi Larry, thanks for taking a few minutes this afternoon to meet with me.
Larry King: My pleasure.

Me: So Larry you decided to call it quits after all these years, can you tell me why?
LK: Ehh, I was having trouble hearing. I am having some blockage that prevents me from hearing as clearly as I used to.
Me: Oh, have you thought about a hearing aid?
LK: It’s not my ears.
Me: It’s not?
LK: No, it’s my shoulders. They have been creeping closer and closer to my head for years. They are like ear muffs.
Me: Ahh, got ya.
LK: Plus I’m having a hard time seeing as well as I used to.
Me: Didn’t you have cataract surgery a few years ago? I saw photos you looking all Captain Jack Sparrow online.
LK: Yes I did.
Me: That didn’t help?
LK: At first it did. But my neck is so weak from all of those years of holding up those coke bottles and my prescription has changed again but I can’t hold up thicker, heavier lenses.
Me: I remember those old glasses. I thought you could see the future with them.
LK: No kidding.
Me: Speaking of your famous frames, who makes them?
LK: I have no idea. I know that the name is on them but when I take them off I can’t see a damn thing.
Me: Ever thought about using another pair of glasses to read the name on those glasses.
LK: I don’t have another pair.
Me: Ever think about getting another pair?
LK: Woah! That’s a great idea. I’m going to get right on that.

Me: So people joke that your trademark suspenders are too tight and that if you loosened them you wouldn’t have that whole shoulder thing going on.
LK: Why would I loosen them? I have worn them the same way since I was 12.
Me: But haven’t you grown since you were 12 years old? I mean I didn’t know you back then but aren’t you taller now then you were when you were 12?
LK: Ohh…

Me: So tell me who was your favorite interview?
LK: I would have to say it was Willie Nelson. After the show he let me check out his tour bus.
Me: Oh the whole biodiesel thing huh.
LK: What? No, we got stoned out of our minds on that bus. He has some killer weed.
Me: …oooookkkaaayyy
LK: I asked if I could go on tour with him but he told me that he already had a doorstop, whatever that means.

Me: I have heard that you are a huge sports fan, who is your favorite team?
LK: *sniff sniff*
Me: Larry, are you ok? Is this question making you emotional?
LK: No, I think I farted. At my age sometimes these things are hard to control.
Me …

Me: So back to the previous question, who is your favorite sports team?
LK: Aww, DAMMIT!
Me: What Larry? That was a softball question.
LK: No, no, no, not that. I sharted myself. I told you that these things were hard to control. Hey, do you know where my lunch is?
Me: No Larry, I have no idea where your lunch is.
LK: I do…
Me: Ok Larry, where is your lunch?
LK: Depends, get it?! I just sharted in my pants.
Me: Oh geez Larry, that was a bit much. Even for me.

Me: Moving right along, what are some of your pre-show routines?
LK: Show? What show?
Me: You were the host of a nationally syndicated call in talk show.
LK: Oh…well that explains the voices. I just thought that I was crazy. I didn’t know that everyone else could hear them too. That’s pretty cool, the whole I’m not crazy part.
Me: I didn’t say that.
LK: Whatever, I’m going with it.

Me: Mr. King, you’ve been married and divorced several times.
LK: Yes, I have.
Me: Who knew that so many women had a crypt keeper fetish?
LK: Yes, who knew? Aha ha
Me: Do you keep in touch with any of them?
LK: No, no, no…
Me: Do you even remember their names?
LK: Well, uhhh…I just call them all plaintiff.

Me: Who is the one person that you never got to interview that you wish you could?
LK: Oh, Jesus Christ!
Me: I had no idea that you were a religious person, Larry.
LK: No, it’s not that. These diapers aren’t nearly as absorbent as they used to be. I got a situation going on here and not that kid from New Jersey.

Me: So tell me, what was it like seeing fire get invented?
LK: Huh?
Me: Never mind.

Me: If you could go back in time and change one thing about your past, what would it be?
LK: Pre-nup, these bitches will rob you blind.

Me: Tell me Larry, what do you like to do when you are not behind the mic?
LK: I love to go shopping. Where’s my checkbook?!
Me: Do you really think that is a good idea?
LK: Oh yeah, that thing.

Me: What goes through your head when you are interviewing someone?
LK: Usually a marionette show.
Me: Which explains a lot.

Me: What’s one thing that you wish you had done in your life?
LK: Porn, eh heh heh.
Me: Uhhhgg
LK: You ok?
Me: Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Me: I’ve noticed that you usually have a mug on your desk during the show, what’s in the mug?
LK: Metamucil
Me: I should have known.

- Don’t get dead

Fountain Moron Viral Video

I don’t know if you have seen the video or not but some idiot in PA was walking in a mall while texting on her phone and walked right into a fountain. Now when I say she walked into a fountain I don’t mean that she bumped into it I mean that she went head first into a fountain. Mash here for the video. So here is the kicker on this, this woman has hired an attorney and is considering bringing a lawsuit against the mall. She’s all P.O.’d because someone “leaked” the footage from the mall’s security camera and she has been humiliated.

Let’s take a little deeper look at this shall we? Yes, we shall. The “leaked” footage to me appears to be from someone’s cell phone. So it might be a bit tricky to sue the mall, the security guard with the cell phone maybe.

Now how big is a fountain? They are huge. From the looks at the one in the video it’s about 50 feet across. Seriously, she didn’t see it?

For arguments sake, let’s say that she didn’t see it. Ever been near a fountain? They are kind of loud with all of that running water splashing around. You mean to tell me that not only did she not see it but she couldn’t hear it either?

The story says that she was humiliated, she humiliated herself. She should be pissed at herself for not having walking around sense, literally.

Also in the story she says that the assumed security guard was laughing and should have been asking if she was ok. First off, it was funny, I wish that the security guards all ran down, pointed and laughed in her face. Secondly, she popped right up, picked up her stuff, climbed out of the fountain and began walking away. Obviously she was fine. She also said that no one came to her aid. If she got up on her own and began walking away without even breaking a stride, how much aid did she need? It was also mentioned in the story that she claimed that it took security 20 minutes to get there. For all we know the security office could have been on the complete other side of the mall AND she got right out of the fountain and keep walking. Ever think that it might have taken a while to get to her. Of course it would be pretty easy to find her once they made it to the fountain. All they would have to do would be to follow the trail of water.

So she has now hired an attorney and may file a lawsuit. Oh please higher power of your choosing, let her sue. And I hope the judge rules in favor of the mall and bans her from the mall, hell, every mall. And I hope for good measure I hope the judge bans all of her offspring if she has any from every mall too. And I hope that the judge orders her and all of her family to have all of their reproductive body parts removed. AND never let her have a phone again. Not even a home phone. Hell, don’t let her have a cup and string. Just for good measure I hope the judge makes her donate all of their vehicles to a charity. And…give me a minute…oh I know, make her register or a society offender like a sex offender with a sign in her front yard and the whole nine yards.

**On a side note, I also think there should be a one-way gate around every Wal-Mart. Like a roach motel where stooges can get in but can’t get out.

So back to the lady from the fountain of stupid, she claims that she doesn’t walk and text and that this is the one time that she did, but won’t do it again….rrrriiiiggghhhttt.

This woman also claims that she could have walked into a car, a bus, a ditch or anything. So would she sue if she got humiliated while jaywalking?

How about people start taking responsibility for themselves and their own actions? Seems like people want a paycheck for being stupid.

I hope that they run this video on the jumbotron in Time Square and at the Superbowl on an endless loop.

You know how in “The Scarlet Letter” Hester Prynne had to wear a red upper case letter “A” to let everyone know that she was an adulterer? You guessed it, make this woman wear a great big red capital letter “I”. Maybe staple it to her forehead.

- Don’t get dead

Pure Genius

The other morning I was listening to some morning drive radio when the co-host of the show I was listening to started to talk about a visit to this “healer” called Braco (pronounced Bra-So) the Gazer. This guy supposedly has healing powers. And after a session with Braco people speak of indescribable feelings, almost euphoric.

Now to experience this, the cost is a reasonable eight dollars a person. I know, what a deal!

And get this, he does it by simply looking at you! Yeah, same thing I said.

So for eight bucks a pop this guy will walk into a room full of people, not say shit, look at you for a few minutes and then haul ass with your cash. That’s it! And they said that he sees up to ten THOUSAND people a day. An f’ing DAY!

This pisses me off so bad that I can hardly contain myself. And not because he is robbing people face to face, but because I didn’t think of it first!!

I don’t feel sorry for the suckers who got taken in by this AT ALL. They knew what he was about going into it, I mean my god he calls himself a gazer what did they think it was, a seminar? Which just proves that there is in fact a sucker born every minute.

Plus how sad are they that they get this “indescribable feeling” from simply being acknowledged! You are one sad sack mofo if someone simply realizing that you exist brings you such elation.

I got to find a way to get in on this sca…rack…ummm…talent! Yeah, that’s it, it’s a talent!

And ole Braco doesn’t get dressed up for these ripoff sessions, I mean “gazings” he wears some real spiffy stonewashed jeans and a button down shirt.

The genius part of this is that he doesn’t get sued because he quit talking back in 2009 AND doesn’t call himself a healer either, just a gazer. With no claims of healing, well at least not from him. So for all we know he could be some mental case mute with delayed fashion sense and a short attention span. Dammit, I would be perfect for this job!

So let’s do the math, eight bucks a head times up to ten thousand people a day is eighty thousand freaking dollars a day. And let’s say he works a four day work week, which is three hundred twenty thousand dollars a week. Let’s multiple that times forty-nine weeks a year, because I am sure he takes a few weeks of vacation a year (I mean you would have to after “working” that hard right?) comes out to one million five hundred sixty-eight thousand dollars a year, roughly. FOR FREAKING LOOKING AT PEOPLE!!!!!

Hang on, I am about to have a fit…

…Ok, I’m back.

So spread the word, my breath has been reported to heal and one breath can fill a room. Admission is a deal at only five dollars a person. My boogers and toenail clippings are even more magical and a bargain at ten dollars a piece while supplies last. Size and selection may vary.

-- Don’t get dead

The alarm on my phone didn’t go off

I have an iPhone that lays on my nightstand pretty much every night. And yesterday morning and this morning the alarm on it didn’t go off. And do you know why? Nope, not because of some glitch that Apple Inc overlooked. It didn’t go off because I didn’t set the alarm on it. You see right next to where I set my phone at night lives a nice little device called a freaking ALARM CLOCK and it works like a champ. Crazy idea I know but it works for me.

You see, the iPhone is an f’ing phone, not an alarm clock. Sure it has an alarm app on it but my car has seats in it but when company comes over I don’t make them sit in my car. My toilet has water in it but I don’t drink out of it. Maybe people should spend less time being cool and a little more time using the mashed potatoes between their ears.

Are people using their shoes as a meat tenderizer? The shoe can be used to pound a tough piece of steak so why not right? Anyone using the radiator in their car to make coffee?

Is there some sort of brainwashing that goes on with smart phones? Get off of your lazy ass and get the right tools for the job.

Having common sense, there’s no app for that

-- Don’t get dead

19, Seriously?!?!

So I am looking at the news online today and I see that this Jim Bob and Linda Lu, or whatever the hell her name is, Dugger have brought home their 19th kid. Dude, we got it, you like to screw, now knock it off!

You and your wife are assholes for bringing in 19 kids.

I understand that you want to win the annual flag football game at the family reunion but you don’t have to bring your own team, both offense and defense.

And you are really not helping out with the southern stereotype of barefoot and pregnant.

My guess is that they are secretly white supremacists and they are single handedly trying to keep the Caucasian race from ever being in the minority.

Someone please get me their address so that I can send them a Wii or a magazine subscription or something to keep them busy.

But you really are assholes, because you are screwing up these kids from the beginning. That poor little fucker that you just brought home will never have anything brand new, except for maybe a little brother or sister. Don’t you think that’s kind of shitty parenting? Hey, let’s have a bunch of kids and make them feel like they are not as important as the first couple. Let’s dress this one in those stylish double knit reversible polyester plaid slacks. You know its retro so it’s fashionable again. Even though the others had to wear them when they were just old clothes. You know at least three of them are going to end up in a bell tower with a deer rifle. Bang Bang, my daddy didn’t hug me enough (no shit, you know how long it takes to hug that many people, get in line son), bang bang, mom never gave me a coloring book that wasn’t already completely colored in, bang bang, daddy always forgot my name!!!

And when those kids get out of that house they will have no idea how to manage money and will buy every new thing that comes out and end up on welfare for the rest of us to take care of, simply because mom and dad wanted to be famous for doing the wild money dance more than anyone else. And you know sex for them isn’t fun anymore, its work. What do you want to bet that they got one of those punch in time clocks by their bed? Not like they are going to catch mom with some slutty outfit from Adam & Eve on while chasing a ball gagged Jim Bob with a bullwhip, screaming “Bad Senator, bad!” Nope, it’s do it and get it over with so that we can have Sally Struthers come and start an infomercial for us. For only 49 cents a day you can help feed a Dugger child.

And I am sure if they were interviewed they would say that they are happy. But the people in the former communist U.S.S.R. thought that they were happy too, until they found out that they didn’t have to wait in line for hours at a time to get toilet paper.

I bet these kids are all home schooled. Hell, they would have to because there is no way to get that many kids to school at one time. Getting them dressed for school would be next to impossible. Well I guess if they had their own bus, because it would be a bus full of them. So you know they are going to be social retards and won’t know how to act out on their own. And could you imagine 19 fuckers at the grocery store check out? Each of them bitching and moaning because they want candy or a drink and why does this one get to ride on the buggy, he rode on the buggy last time, I want to ride…. Oh dammit someone get me a shotgun!! I’m about to do society a favor.

Oh and could you imagine this bunch of assholes vacationing at the same place you where at the same time you where? Someone get me that Van der Sloot kid, O.J. and Robert Blake’s phone numbers pronto!!

I just think that these people really should knock off the knocking boots and think about other people. No one wants to be around this gaggle/heard/covey…whatever of people, ever, at all, under any circumstances.

Don’t even get me started on these people going trick or treating or Christmas shopping. Do you think that they are trying to have a birthday every day of the year or something?

While I’m on it, Octomom and Kate Gose..Gosl..Gosa…Kate and Eight, you knock that shit off too.

If I was the mom I would be afraid that the next time I got pregnant, and you know there is going to be a next time, that the kid would just fall out walking down the hall or if she sneezed. Damn woman, alone time is a good thing. I bet you can’t take a pee without an audience.

Look all that I am saying is that a woman’s birth canal should not look like a ride at Wet and Wild, that’s all.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Is this normal? It creeps me out.

Dear Sweezey,

My wife and daughter play with each other's titties. I think it's kinda weird.

- Creeped Out

Dear Creeped Out,

Any chance you got this on video? I mean, COMPLETELY normal, happens all the time on pay per view. How old is your daughter?

Did you double up on your stupid pills this morning? Do you really think there is a chance that it’s “normal”, well apparently it is at your house but most places might frown on it.

So how exactly do they play with each others? Are they hot? You might want to look into a video camera. I’m just saying it could be lucrative.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Kind of appropriate?

I know that the times are changing. But just because this is a place where you make promises to God does not make it a church.

We’ve all been there, drank well beyond our limit, tried everything that you could to get the room to quit spinning and realized that you hate gravity. It happens all of the time.

And talk about a guilt trip. You are sitting on the floor with your head in the bowl waiting to see if the next thing that comes flying out of your mouth is your spleen and mumbling oh God, please make it stop, I promise to never drink that much again. Just to look up and see “Church”

So what do you call the people who worship there? Holy Bowlers? Porcelain Pentecostals? Toilet Thumbers/Bowl Beaters?

Instead of doing the sign of the cross do you think that they would do the sign of the bowl (a big circle)?

Would you call the bathroom a house of the bowly?

Do swirlies count as a baptism?

Man, I hope that’s not holy water in there.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Clue me in please

Dear Sweezey,

I have a guy friend that has told me numerous times that he is really into my female friend. He says that she has a really good personality, and beautiful. He said that he would love to date her but here is the weird thing…..he is a total jack ass to her most of the time. I don’t understand him. Can you clue me in???

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

You nailed it. Your friend, the guy, is a jackass pure and simple. He is not very mature and I bet you $100 he has a wicked video game collection. He is what we in the business call a social retard. Meaning he can’t pull his head out of his ass while in public long enough to learn how to behave around people. He probably thinks that he is being funny. Don’t worry as long as he has internet porn he will be fine. And really that’s best for everyone. You really don’t want him to meet a girl, fall in love, have sex with her and reproduce do you? I didn’t think so.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Be Back in 10 Minutes

We’ve all seen it anywhere that there are small shops that usually only have one person working in there at a time. Be it at a shopping center, mall or flea market any time that clerk needs to go drop a duce, have a smoke or work his mack with some chick the “Be Back In 10 Minutes” sign appears in the store’s window.

Maybe it’s just me, but how would one know when you were due to be back since we weren’t there when you left? And how do we know that you didn’t come back and leave again?

My office is near a mall that some co-workers and I often go to for lunch. There are several shops that have these notes on their doors during lunch. So I decided to have a little fun and add my own notes too. It started with a “Me Too” note. Then I thought we should just make sure that the clerk realizes that we acknowledge their efforts and would post an “OK” sign below their sign.

I also left notes like “I came by to see you and saw your note. Call me when you get back” without signing it. I just wonder what was going through their head when they got back. And who did they call because my phone didn’t ring.

One note that I want to leave but haven’t yet is “I’m so tired of this crap, every time I come by you are not here. Where are you and who are you with? I can’t believe that I trusted you. Get your stuff and get out! We are through!”

But my favorite so far was this long rambling one that I taped several sticky notes (got the tape from one of those kiosk in the mall) together and taped to their door “Where are you? I came by several times and you where not here. I even waited for 11 minutes and no sign of you. This is not normal and I am worried. I called your mom and she has no idea where you are. I hope and pray that you are ok but I am worried sick about you. Oh God, I hope that the Taliban didn’t kidnap you. If they did, don’t fight and do what they say, I know that they cut people’s heads off. I knew this was a bad idea but you wouldn’t listen to me. I saw this movie where these terrorist took over a mall for the sales deposits while the main character was busy playing Guitar Hero, please God I hope that you are not playing Guitar Hero. I am going to alert the media and call the cops to start an investigation.” I wish that we had hung around to see the guy’s reaction.

I don’t know why but I really enjoy screwing with people, must be something in my DNA.

- Don’t get dead