First John the Baptist did it, then Martin Luther did it, even Deion Sanders and L. Ron Hubbard have done it. Now the Jedis have done it. They have created their own church.
Yeah, I laughed too.
Seriously though, they did. Now there is one in Beaumont Texas and some people want to open one in the UK. I won’t bore you with all of the details but the bulk of the story is there are two brothers, Barney, 26 - or Master Jonba Hehol - and Daniel, 21 - Master Morda Hehol – who head the UK Church of the Jedi. They say their services will include sermons on "the Force," light sabre training, and meditation techniques (Jedi mind trick?).
When asked about the services Barney said: "My brother and I will wear the Jedi robes, the dark brown robes... the congregation would be in black. Really to bring a sense of unity to the meetings."
Although the current members are all men, women are not excluded, as Barney Jones points out: "Princess Leia helped them out a lot." Hmm, no girls, I wonder why? *cough*nerds*cough*
However, any congregation member drawn to the dark side (you got to be kidding me) of the Force, embodied in the film by Darth Vader, would be advised they are following the wrong path and could face expulsion.
Barney explained: "Obviously, if someone starts to try and use the good force for greed and power, they are going to bring negative interference into the meetings.
"We cannot have the Force disrupted by negative interference."
Kind of makes you want to bitch slap them huh. You can read the full story here http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/7200531.stm
So then there is this church in Beaumont. One of the first things that you see on their site is “Become a Jedi; a real Jedi. We are not fictional Jedi from the wonderful Star Wars movies, neither are we role playing; we are the Real Jedi Religion in this Galaxy in this Multiverse.” Well thank god (or Yoda, whatver) they are the real deal, I would hate to think I was going to join a church that had “fictional Jedi” or had people “role playing”. My mind is at ease now.
Then it goes on to say “One may become a Jedi Knight; actually a Knight of Jediism. This is a serious commitment.” Yeah, no playing around at the church based on a Science Fiction movie. “A Knight of the Temple of the Jedi Order has the highest standards as a guardian of Peace, Justice and above all Compassion. Jedi are united in discovering the nature of The Living Force Of Creation and using our powers for the good of humanity and to improve ourselves.”
“A member may request a Ministers License and then legally conduct marriages and other religious ceremonies.” Oh please God (or Obi One Kenobi) please let that part be a joke. “The Temple has acertification program and gives credit for prior learning and on the job experience.” Say what? “We certify that you have completed a
course of training and / or have the knowledge to be a Minister of The Force. This is also known as Jedi Clergy and Jedi Minister.”
“This is not a click and be instantly ordained minister's license.” Yeah, remember this is serious stuff, take it seriously or they will feed you to Jabba the Hut! “There is no charge - ever. Money should never be a barrier to one called to the ministry. We exist through the donations of others in time, work and money.”
Don’t forget to learn the “Jedi Creed” that is listed on the site, which has a footnote that it is a direct adaptation from the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi. Unoriginal bastards.
And like every other serious church, don’t forget to check out their “Temple Store” where you can purchase religious items such as t-shirts, coffee mugs, mouse pads, drink coasters, baseball caps, tote bags, magnets, stickers, buttons, and of course your Jedi Journal.
Still want more? Be sure to check out their blogs, forums, and chat room. Check it out for yourself at http://www.templeofthejediorder.org/
There is also another site called http://www.jedichurch.com/ if you just can’t get enough to satisfy your Jedi Church fix.
So of course I have questions, like who do they pray too? Yoda? Darth Vader? Obi One Kenobi? Luke Skywalker? Wasn’t he a Jedi? So who is the highest Jedi? I guess it would be Yoda, and all of the other guys are disciples? Or would they be saints?
I bet some of those confessions would be mofos. "*Heavy Darth Vader breathing* Master, I have sinned. I used my powers to create an evil empire so that I could take over the universe." Voice on other side of the confessional "Oh son of mine, prayer say you must and do it again not. Thirteen Hail Leias say you must. In peace go and remember father of yours I am.
Do you think that they would use the mind trick on Bingo nights? "B12....gggaahhh... I mean O14, sorry Lord Vader"
Think that they would use Ewoks as alter boys? Or have R2D2 & C3PO in the front of the church handing out bulletins and signing people up for a pancake breakfast?
I think the most important factor in if I would join the church or not would be if they could they teach me the mind Jedi trick? If they can do that, I am so in. Otherwise I might have to think about it for a bit.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
News Article (not Heath Ledger related)
First off, why is this guys passing such a big deal? I had heard his name but had no idea who he was. I am sorry that this dude died but don't we have a lot more important things to report on right about now? Isn't there something sort of important coming up in November? Oh and don't we have a bunch of troops somewhere in a country about the size of California? And secondly, what kind of sickos gather together in large groups to take pictures of a body in a body bag being wheeled into a coroners van? When I saw that I turned away, give the guy a little privacy/dignity would ya? Our socity is in pretty bad shape when we can't leave the dead alone. Celebrity or not, this guy have family and I don't think they would love to see this on every channel.
But anyway, this is not about that. This is about a different news article that I saw.
Cat stowaway makes it home again
PALM BEACH GARDENS, Fla. - Some kitty math: How many lives did little tabby Gracie Mae use up when she crawled into her owner's suitcase, went through an airport X-ray machine, got loaded onto a plane, thrown onto a baggage belt and mistakenly picked up by a stranger far from home?
"She's got to be at four or five now," Seth Levy said after his 10-month-old pet was returned Sunday night by a kind stranger who went home to Fort Worth, Texas, with the wrong bag and Gracie inside to boot.
The last time Levy's wife, Kelly, saw Gracie was before she took her husband to the airport. The 24-year-old went back to her house in Palm Beach Gardens late Friday to find the bottom step, where Gracie would usually be waiting, empty.
She tore the house apart looking for the cat, who had been spayed just days before. She and her dad took out bathroom tiles and part of a cabinet to check a crawl space and papered the neighborhood with "lost cat" signs.
Then she got a phone call.
"Hi, you're not going to believe this, but I am calling from Fort Worth, Texas, and I accidentally picked up your husband's luggage. And when I opened the luggage, a cat jumped out," Kelly Levy quoted the caller saying.
Rob Carter said he made it home with the suitcase before realizing it wasn't his — and there was a big surprise inside.
"I went to unpack and saw some of the clothes and saw it wasn't my suitcase," he said. "I was going to close it, and a kitten jumped out and ran under the bed. I screamed like a little girl."
Carter said that he eventually was able to get the cat to come out from under the bed.
"In the morning, I got close enough to see its collar and the phone number on it," he said. "So I called the number and got a hold of the crying wife of the traveler."
The tabby made the 1,300-mile trip home on an $80 plane ticket. Carter said he considered keeping the cat before he knew she had a home.
"We were going to name it Suitcase," he said
So I have a question about this and I will try to keep it brief. What kind of demented F checks his cat? EVERYONE knows that cats are carry on!
But seriously, how do you now know there is a living animal in your suitcase? While we are at it, how did this not get noticed by the owner, the skycap, the desk agent, the luggage handlers or anyone else? You mean to tell me that a 10 month old kitten who just had surgery days before isn't going to be raising some holy hell zipped up in a suitcase? I call BS all over this story.
Dude I had a cat once … once. And it would not shut up if it didn't get its way, so you mean to tell me that this cat didn't make any noise? All the way to the airport, while being tagged, taken back or while being loaded onto the plane this cat didn't make a peep? Or even move for that matter? Put a cat in one of those carrier things, you would think the carrier was alive or possessed, hell I had one shoot out of my hand with a cat in it once. Come on, I don't buy this.
My bucket list, or at least a first attmept at it
I thought it would be interesting to do and see if I could come up with 100 things that I would like to do before I step out in front of the big bus. I decided on 100 because that is what my co-worker did, the little over achiever that is. So you can tell in some places where I was reaching just a bit or trying to fill slots. None the less, enjoy. And let me know what you think or what you would put on your list.
1. Visit all 50 states. Stay at least over night.
2. Visit all of the continents. Stay at least over night, see more than a resort, eat local cuisine.
3. Shoot a hole-in-one
4. Shoot a round under par
5. Read the bible cover to cover
6. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef
7. Visit the Equator
8. Cross the International Date Line by water
9. Write a book
10. Write a movie
11. Learn to play well enough to write and record my own music
12. Have dinner with Sammy Hagar in Cabo!
13. Build a home myself
14. Open a restaurant
15. Open a studio/gallery
16. Catch a shark (Actually land the fish)
17. Visit the Holy land
18. Visit Russia, Italy, Poland, Greece, Spain, France, England, Ireland, Tahiti, Australia, & Scotland
19. Learn to fly a plane
20. Play Augusta National
21. Race in the Baja 1000
22. Learn to rock climb
23. Visit both the north and south poles
24. Start a company, more than small business
25. Play in a pro-am
26. Build the "Supertruck"
27. Visit all of the Major League Baseball parks, NFL Stadiums, & NHL Arenas
28. Put my kids through college
29. Run a marathon
30. Wind-surf
31. Surf the North Shore in Hawaii
32. Visit Mount Rushmore
33. Bench press 1.5 times my body weight
34. Play TPC Sawgrass
35. Go on a vacation with just my wife without her having any previous knowledge
36. Visit Vatican City
37. Drive on the Autobahn
38. Visit an active volcano
39. Visit Mt Everest, at least attempt to climb it
40. Go white water rafting
41. Visit Tequila Mexico, the mother land!
42. Visit Niagara Falls
43. Hike down to the floor of the Grand Canyon
44. Invent something
45. I wanted to fly on Concord but British Airways nixed that for me
46. Walk on the Great Wall of China
47. Visit the Himalayas
48. Camp in Yosemite & Yellowstone National Park/visit Ole' Faithful/See the redwood trees in Redwood National Park
49. Take a boat around the world
50. Learn to play the piano
51. Run for a political office
52. Attend a Superbowl
53. Attend the World Series
54. Attend the Stanley Cup Finals
55. Attend Wimbledon
56. Attend the Masters
57. Attend the U.S. Open (hook me up Brandon)
58. Kiss the Blarney Stone
59. Tour the Louvre
60. Go to the top of the Statue of Liberty
61. Go on an African Safari
62. Drive Route 66
63. Speak and write a foreign language fluently
64. Visit the Bermuda Triangle
65. Own a fully automatic machine gun
66. Go to Q school
67. Anomalously pay off something for a stranger
68. Get in shape too and compete in a triathlon
69. Go on tour
70. Fly with the Blue Angels
71. Become a chef
72. Float in the Dead Sea
73. Attend the Kentucky Derby (Ahmm Leigh Ann, I am photographing your wedding after all ?)
74. Go to an NCAA Championship Game (football)
75. Dive a shipwreck
76. Sell a photo to a national magazine
77. Attend a Hollywood Movie Premier/Walk down the red carpet
78. Stay in the Stanley Hotel (where "The Shining" was filmed)
79. Attend Carnival in Rio
80. Run with the Bulls
81. Visit the pyramids
82. Ride a camel
83. Ski the Alps
84. Interview someone that interest me
85. Own a Lamborghini
86. Own a jet
87. Own a yacht
88. Play golf in Scotland
89. Go on a hot air balloon ride
90. Own a hot rod shop
91. Repel down a building
92. Design and build my dream home
93. Start a charity
94. Scuba dive in every ocean and sea
95. Visit Amish country
96. Shoot a Robin Hood (one arrow into another)
97. Write a report/article that gets published
98. See the Northern Lights
99. Play Tennis well enough to compete
100. Cave exploring
Bucket List
I was shooting the breeze with some co-workers today and got on the subject oh weekend plans. One of my co-workers said that they wanted to see the movie "Bucket List" and wanted to know if it had come out yet. Shortly the conversation turned to who had a bucket list and what was on it. I have never done one but it might be interesting. So who out there has a bucket list? What is on yours? Let me know, I may want to steal your idea(s). I am going to see what I can come up with.
I dunno, maybe it’s me
The Ft. Worth Stock Show & Rodeo is going on right now. Which is ok I guess, but I just don't get what the big deal is. Some people are getting WAY too excited about it. I am sure there are all kinds of things to do, I know they have a rodeo and a livestock show, probably tons of junk you can buy, various shows I would guess, but one thing I heard about sparked my attention. They are having a Celebrity Goat Milking Contest followed by Goat Creative Costume Contest… I shit you not. You can milk a goat? How? Why? Where??!! And just what "Celebrities" are doing this? And then you have a goat costume contest, what kind of sick fucks are dressing up goats? GOATS?! How do you even organize that? I would love to over hear one of those conversations. "Say Bob, you ever think about dressing that goat up like a clown and seeing if people like it better than my goat dressed up as a fireman?" And where would you get a costume for a goat? Goats R Us?
And just what is a livestock show? Are their prizes for the biggest cow or something? Prettiest pig? I don't know, it could be my background but hell I am from Alabama, you would think I would be more "into" this sort of thing but I just don't get it.
I have been to car shows, I get that.
There are parades and this event, which last for over three weeks, draws huge crowds. How much cow and cow related crap can you have to stretch this out for three weeks?
But the thing that I find the most interesting is the rodeo that people make such a big deal about. I have never been to many rodeos so it is possible that I am missing the luster that makes this event so appealing to the masses. I do remember going to one once, as a child with my dad's parents. But then again, I did find out later that it was a prison rodeo which may have had an effect on my attraction to rodeos. Who the fuck takes their grandchild to a place infested with criminals as entertainment? But my childhood and family background is something for a therapist. Anyway, back to the rodeo. Some of it I could see how it could be interesting. Calf roping, that could be interesting. You would have to have some level of skill so I can see that I guess. I know there are some sort of horse races, okay I could maybe see that. But the thing I don't get is bull riding. Don't get me wrong, I get that it's a half ton pissed off animal, I got that part. What I don't get is why. Or even more so than that is how. Well not how so much but I guess what the big deal is. You win by hanging on. From what I hear that's it, just hanging on. You stay on for 8 seconds and you win or something. So why 8 seconds? Why not 10 minutes? That would be awesome to see.
And something else that I find interesting is what you win, a belt buckle that looks like one of those disposable roasting pans that you bake a turkey in. Pardon my French but fuck you! I risk being crippled or turned into human Swiss cheese and you give me a clothing accessory? Are rodeo people retarded or do they have A.D.D. or something and love shiny metal objects? I hope that I am wrong on all of this and there is some big cash prize or something because if they are doing all of this for a belt buckle alone they should not be allowed to freely roam in society. You know what, now that I think about it, maybe I will go watch the rodeo if it is just for a belt buckle.
And just what is a livestock show? Are their prizes for the biggest cow or something? Prettiest pig? I don't know, it could be my background but hell I am from Alabama, you would think I would be more "into" this sort of thing but I just don't get it.
I have been to car shows, I get that.
There are parades and this event, which last for over three weeks, draws huge crowds. How much cow and cow related crap can you have to stretch this out for three weeks?
But the thing that I find the most interesting is the rodeo that people make such a big deal about. I have never been to many rodeos so it is possible that I am missing the luster that makes this event so appealing to the masses. I do remember going to one once, as a child with my dad's parents. But then again, I did find out later that it was a prison rodeo which may have had an effect on my attraction to rodeos. Who the fuck takes their grandchild to a place infested with criminals as entertainment? But my childhood and family background is something for a therapist. Anyway, back to the rodeo. Some of it I could see how it could be interesting. Calf roping, that could be interesting. You would have to have some level of skill so I can see that I guess. I know there are some sort of horse races, okay I could maybe see that. But the thing I don't get is bull riding. Don't get me wrong, I get that it's a half ton pissed off animal, I got that part. What I don't get is why. Or even more so than that is how. Well not how so much but I guess what the big deal is. You win by hanging on. From what I hear that's it, just hanging on. You stay on for 8 seconds and you win or something. So why 8 seconds? Why not 10 minutes? That would be awesome to see.
And something else that I find interesting is what you win, a belt buckle that looks like one of those disposable roasting pans that you bake a turkey in. Pardon my French but fuck you! I risk being crippled or turned into human Swiss cheese and you give me a clothing accessory? Are rodeo people retarded or do they have A.D.D. or something and love shiny metal objects? I hope that I am wrong on all of this and there is some big cash prize or something because if they are doing all of this for a belt buckle alone they should not be allowed to freely roam in society. You know what, now that I think about it, maybe I will go watch the rodeo if it is just for a belt buckle.
Friday, January 11, 2008
I am writing a book
You know, I can't believe that I didn't think about this sooner. And this is a topic that I am an expert at.
It's a book on how to be an A-Hole.
Oh yeah, I have decades on experience being an a-hole. Here are some examples from the upcoming book.
• Put fake ads on craigslist, typically in the "Personals" section. Or if that is not your speed you can put an ad in the "For Sale" section with some fantastic offer for some hot new, fantastic, hard to find, gadget at some ridiculously low price or something like that.
• Mailing list, these are great. You can find tons of them, sign people up for mailing list, they love that.
• If you ever get a chance to housesit for someone, ESPECIALLY if they have a large car, do it. This is even better if they take their keys with them. What you want to do is to get a friend and a couple of floor jacks, the kind with wheels on them, jack up their car (inside the garage) and rotate their car 90 degrees. In other words, turn their car sideways in their garage.
• If you know anyone who works nights (or a swing shift) get a bunch of "Open House" or "Garage Sale" signs and place them leading up to their house on the days that they are sleeping during the day. This works really great if you have the signs where they can't be seen so easily from the front door. If a mailbox or tree can hide them, even better.
What do you think? Think it will sell?
It's a book on how to be an A-Hole.
Oh yeah, I have decades on experience being an a-hole. Here are some examples from the upcoming book.
• Put fake ads on craigslist, typically in the "Personals" section. Or if that is not your speed you can put an ad in the "For Sale" section with some fantastic offer for some hot new, fantastic, hard to find, gadget at some ridiculously low price or something like that.
• Mailing list, these are great. You can find tons of them, sign people up for mailing list, they love that.
• If you ever get a chance to housesit for someone, ESPECIALLY if they have a large car, do it. This is even better if they take their keys with them. What you want to do is to get a friend and a couple of floor jacks, the kind with wheels on them, jack up their car (inside the garage) and rotate their car 90 degrees. In other words, turn their car sideways in their garage.
• If you know anyone who works nights (or a swing shift) get a bunch of "Open House" or "Garage Sale" signs and place them leading up to their house on the days that they are sleeping during the day. This works really great if you have the signs where they can't be seen so easily from the front door. If a mailbox or tree can hide them, even better.
What do you think? Think it will sell?
Baseball
A little while back I was at a friend's party along with a bunch of my co-workers. Typical for the hell of it party, just hanging out, shooting the breeze, drinking, and what not. In typical party fashion, we start to share stories and have a few laughs. Some how this small group that I was part of got on the subject of baseball. We were telling stories when one of the guys busted out with this gem.
He said that he was playing on his high school baseball team when the starting third basemen got hurt and the coach decided to move him from the outfield to third base. So there he is at third base and the coach is running drills where the play was at first base.
It gets to be his turn, the coach intends to hit a burning grounder but actually hits a nice line drive right about crotch level.
POW!!! Right in the cods! Or as he put it with his arm fully extended and his hand balled up in a fist, right in his "little bald headed champ".
He said that it hurt so bad that he actually peed in his pants. His teammates, being the caring guys that they were, decided to kick dirt all over his crotch so that there would be no mistake that he had wet his pants.
What a great bunch of guys.
He said that he was playing on his high school baseball team when the starting third basemen got hurt and the coach decided to move him from the outfield to third base. So there he is at third base and the coach is running drills where the play was at first base.
It gets to be his turn, the coach intends to hit a burning grounder but actually hits a nice line drive right about crotch level.
POW!!! Right in the cods! Or as he put it with his arm fully extended and his hand balled up in a fist, right in his "little bald headed champ".
He said that it hurt so bad that he actually peed in his pants. His teammates, being the caring guys that they were, decided to kick dirt all over his crotch so that there would be no mistake that he had wet his pants.
What a great bunch of guys.
Writers strike
As I have stated before, I don't get a chance to watch a lot of television so some of this may be old news to you.
I have noticed there are more and more games shows' coming out that has to be because of the writers strike that is going on. But at least they are not "reality shows". One that I tivo'd but have not had a chance to watch yet is Duel. Duel is a trivia game show, which I like, where you can apparently call out your opponent, which I like even more. So that looks like it might be decent.
Then I hear there is an Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader celebrity version. That should be a clusterfuck of epic proportions.
But one that I really do want to see, if it hasn't started yet is the polygraph show where they have family/friends there when you answer the questions. That looks like it has the potential to be a good show. I just hope that it is not all hype and creative editing in the commercials for it because I want to see this show live up to all of the hype. Amazing what people will do for money. I did see something about a guy being a peeping tom or something. I wonder if there is a statute of limitations on something like that. It would be really funny to see someone admit to something so that they could get paid and end up in the pokey.
One of the funniest things is a desperate attempt to re-hash one of the cheesiest game shows ever, American Gladiators. Yeah BROTHER!! Hulk Hogan is supposed to be hosting this. I wonder if the champ will have to take him on or something. Maybe a cage match or something.
I really had no idea how bad things would get without writers. Something really needs to be done because even the highlights of TV shows are really sucking pretty badly. I hear there is supposed to be a Terminator TV series now. Which from what very brief moment of the commercial that I saw, it appeared to be the movie remade.
Side note, I saw a commercial for a product that I really wonder how well it is going to do. The product is Diet Pepsi Max. Diet Pepsi with extra caffeine and Ginseng. Sounds like liquid ass in a bottle to me.
I have noticed there are more and more games shows' coming out that has to be because of the writers strike that is going on. But at least they are not "reality shows". One that I tivo'd but have not had a chance to watch yet is Duel. Duel is a trivia game show, which I like, where you can apparently call out your opponent, which I like even more. So that looks like it might be decent.
Then I hear there is an Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader celebrity version. That should be a clusterfuck of epic proportions.
But one that I really do want to see, if it hasn't started yet is the polygraph show where they have family/friends there when you answer the questions. That looks like it has the potential to be a good show. I just hope that it is not all hype and creative editing in the commercials for it because I want to see this show live up to all of the hype. Amazing what people will do for money. I did see something about a guy being a peeping tom or something. I wonder if there is a statute of limitations on something like that. It would be really funny to see someone admit to something so that they could get paid and end up in the pokey.
One of the funniest things is a desperate attempt to re-hash one of the cheesiest game shows ever, American Gladiators. Yeah BROTHER!! Hulk Hogan is supposed to be hosting this. I wonder if the champ will have to take him on or something. Maybe a cage match or something.
I really had no idea how bad things would get without writers. Something really needs to be done because even the highlights of TV shows are really sucking pretty badly. I hear there is supposed to be a Terminator TV series now. Which from what very brief moment of the commercial that I saw, it appeared to be the movie remade.
Side note, I saw a commercial for a product that I really wonder how well it is going to do. The product is Diet Pepsi Max. Diet Pepsi with extra caffeine and Ginseng. Sounds like liquid ass in a bottle to me.
Looking back (Chapter 13)
Christmas and New Years have come and gone. Other than some snow, everyone is pretty much looking forward to warmer weather. I think the first sign of warm weather has got to be spring break.
Ah yes, gobs of young people pouring just as much alcohol down their stupid throats as they possibly can, getting into fights, destroying property that is not theirs, having sex with anything that they can have it with (consciousness is probably optional), and just general rowdiness and civil disobedience. They should probably change the name to wholesome family break or something like that.
Years ago I would have been right in the middle of it.
The spring break of my (I guess it was) sophomore year of high school was no different. Myself and three of my friends roll down to Panama City Beach in one of my buddies cars with the tinted windows, rims, and stereo that everyone in the county could hear … at the same time … regardless of where you where in the county … whether you wanted to hear it or not. And my heap.
I remember being so pumped up about it that I think that I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes on the just over an hour drive down. There we are four guys, two cars, about 8 ½ cases of beer, a change of clothes or two each, a couple of hundred bucks in cash each, headed south for the weekend.
We get to the Redneck Rivera, find our hotel, get checked in, and crack open a few. You ever have that feeling that you may want to take things easy because the possibility of an ugly turn is imminent? That feeling came over me like the tide coming in over the sand. Fifteen minutes into being in the room and they are each about four beers down and showing no signs of slowing down and I just knew something, something bad, was on the horizon. I will be dammed if I wasn't right too.
We hang out in the hotel room for a while when two of them, Red and Jay, decided that they want to go rambling. Mark, the other guy who drove and never lets anyone drive his car, didn't want to go so Red and Jay are stuck with using their Jerusalem cruisers to get around. They take off and Mark and I are hanging out in the hotel and talking about what we were going to do over the weekend. After a while I notice the slurred speech which is prelude to an event filled afternoon. Homeboy is about half a case in and feeling no pain when he announces that he needs to use the facilities or as he put it "need to piss". Let me give you the layout of the room, it is a rectangle with two queen beds and a square bathroom that looked to be put in after the fact which was right by the front door, typical cheap beach hotel room. Mark makes his way to the restroom does his business and makes his way back to the main room when he proclaims that he hates the hiccups which he now has a case of. He keeps asking me what can he do to get rid of them and I guess he thought that if he asked me 1,001 times that I may get some sort of revelation and change my answer from "I don't know" to something else. But alas, he was wrong.
It is about this time that Mark is good and hammered and proclaims his hatred for bugs. Okay… not sure what that has to do with anything but good for you homeboy. I was about to find out why he was informing me of this displeasure of bugs existence. He thought he saw one so he balls up his fist and punches the wall and what he "thought" was a bug on the wall. What he actually saw in his drunken stupor was the shadow being cast by the sunlight hitting a nail that was left in the wall and painted over. Ever be around a drunk who has just hurt himself? You would rather have a colonoscopy, which has to be less painful than having to deal with all of the bitching and moaning. Now I have a drunken dude running around the room bleeding all over the place and griping about hiccups and the phone rings. Who in the hell could that be? It is Red and Jay wanting me to come pick them up from a local shop because they are tired. Yeah, I will get right on that. But I get to feeling sorry for them and decide that I would see how drunk Mark was. When he said it was okay if I took his car to go pick them up I knew he was plowed. Mark goes to get me his keys and slips in some of the blood he spilled on the floor and bangs his head on the floor. So now I know that I have to find some way of restraining him so that he doesn't hurt himself. I had to get both of the flat sheets off of the bed, tie them together and use them to tie Mark to the bed. Once I feel that is he not going to be a danger to himself I get the keys and head out the door. When I get to where the gruesome twosome tells me they are going to be waiting for me, they are gone. I go in and ask the clerk if he had seen them and he tells me that they split about 20 minutes ago. Assholes! So back to the hotel I go. When I get there I find Mark passed out, thank god!
I am just hanging out in the hotel room for a while when the phone rings again and it is Jay and Red again, wanting me to come get them none the less. I tell them to stay put and I will go get them but it will be a little while because of the traffic on the strip. By the time I get to where they say they are again they are gone, well F them. No more feeling sorry for them. But I was getting a bit hungry and I did spy a Mickey D's nearby. So I roll over to it where I notice my cousin's car. I find a place to park and go in to talk to my cousin. After talking to him for a while I got some food to go and for whatever dumb-ass reason I wanted a chocolate milkshake. As I make my way to the car I put my milkshake on the roof of the car so that I can get the keys out of my pocket, unlock the door, toss the bag of food in the car, get in and make my way through the parking lot. At this particular location there is a wide shoulder on the road that local law enforcement uses when traffic is heavy on the strip, this is about to come into play in this story. There I am making my way through the parking lot and I notice that a lot of people are looking at the car, I just thought that it was because of the car. So I am just about to pull out into the street when a cop comes hauling down the shoulder and I slam on the breaks so that I don't get in his way. This is when, unbeknown to me, the milkshake that I accidentally left on the roof of the car falls over and spills onto the windshield of the car. Not realizing what it was I said "what the hell kind of bird was that?!" Then I see the cup rolling on the ground. Oh great, I am an idiot. Now I got to find a car wash. Which I did, and now I am on a mission to have this stupid milkshake. I make my way back to McDonalds and take advantage of the drive-thru so that I don't make the same mistake. Now I am happy, have my milkshake, inside the car, and actually made my way back onto the strip. But traffic is heavy so it may take me a while to get back to the hotel, oh well guess I will have to enjoy cruising and cranking up some pirate radio for a while.
During this particular spring break there were cops everywhere, like every eighth mile or so. Really cracking down I guess. So I see one near me, turn down the stereo and try to act cool. He sees me drinking and ask me what was in my cup. To which I replied a milkshake and asked him why he was asking. He said they are looking for people drinking and driving and asked if I would mind if he checked my drink. No, I don't mind and hand him my cup. He opens the lid, looks into it, takes a sniff and thanks me and hands it back to me. Okay, no big deal. So I get a little farther down the road and I see another cop, but this guy doesn't use the same approach. He looks at me and says "What's in the cup boy" to which my pompous ass thought "boy?!" but the part of me that didn't want to get harassed by the cops stepped in and said just shut up and be nice. So I tell him it's a milkshake and that his buddy just checked it. He asked "Do you mind?" and motioned for me to hand him the cup. Which I did and he TOOK A DAMN SIP OF MY DRINK! I couldn't believe it. What an a-hole. Then he hands it back to me. Yeah, like I am going to drink it now. Out of involuntary actions I hold the cup out of the window and the cop tells me that it is a $150 fine for littering. This milkshake deal was not meant to be so I had to let that one go.
I make my way back to the hotel, park the car, and go to the room. But I can't open the door all of the way, like something was behind it. What the hell. Oh god, it is Mark's drunk ass passed out in the doorframe of the bathroom blocking me from opening the door to the room. So I get him up and into the room where I can see that he has started drinking again, pretty heavily I might add. So I get him to sit on the bed and try to clean up when he says "number 7" and trots off back to the bathroom. Number 7?, what does that mean? He says it's the number of times that he has thrown up and lets me know that the substance that I am cleaning up with the towels is barf… damn, thanks dude.
About this time the sun is starting to go down and the social life is starting to heat up. I am sure that Mark is somewhat more sober at this point but still not Red and Jay. As luck would have it, they called the room again, wanting to be picked up again. I let them know that I will get right on it and tell Mark what they wanted. F them was his reply, sounds good to me. But he is hungry now and way to drunk and scared of cops to drive so I have to chauffeur him around. We find a burger joint that he wanted to go to but he insisted that we go in. So there we are standing in line to get our food to go *eye roll* when I notice that the guy working the counter in the line that we were in was handicapped and that Mark "weirds out" about things like that. But we are so close to the register and there is no way that I am going to get in the back of another line to buy food that I am not going to enjoy. No sooner had I realized what was going on when I see Mark get the big eyes and looks over at me. In an effort to keep him from making an ass out of himself and embarrassing me at the same time I tell him "just be cool, just be cool" to which he replied with "don't let him touch my food Sweezey, don't let him touch my food" I reassured him that he wouldn't and that the people in the back are cooking the food and that he was just taking our money for it. We get his food and head back to the car. Drunky Drunkenheimer sitting in the passenger seat of his car with the door open, takes one bite out of his food and then dumps it out in the parking lot stating "dude, he touched my food, I can taste it" What ever, let's just go back to the hotel.
We get back to the hotel and head towards our room when I realize, hey someone is having a party… in our freaking room!!!! I walk into the room where some slack-jaw greets me and tells me to help myself to a beer and points to a cooler, my damn cooler with my damn beer in it. Everyone in the room was drinking my beer. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!!! People got pissed when I kicked them out, until I told them that I had called the cops, at which they all thought it was a good time to take off, hmm, wonder why? Just goes to prove that drunk kids are stupid, like I would call the cops to report underage drinking in my room because they were drinking my beer, while I was 16, morons.
Ah yes, gobs of young people pouring just as much alcohol down their stupid throats as they possibly can, getting into fights, destroying property that is not theirs, having sex with anything that they can have it with (consciousness is probably optional), and just general rowdiness and civil disobedience. They should probably change the name to wholesome family break or something like that.
Years ago I would have been right in the middle of it.
The spring break of my (I guess it was) sophomore year of high school was no different. Myself and three of my friends roll down to Panama City Beach in one of my buddies cars with the tinted windows, rims, and stereo that everyone in the county could hear … at the same time … regardless of where you where in the county … whether you wanted to hear it or not. And my heap.
I remember being so pumped up about it that I think that I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes on the just over an hour drive down. There we are four guys, two cars, about 8 ½ cases of beer, a change of clothes or two each, a couple of hundred bucks in cash each, headed south for the weekend.
We get to the Redneck Rivera, find our hotel, get checked in, and crack open a few. You ever have that feeling that you may want to take things easy because the possibility of an ugly turn is imminent? That feeling came over me like the tide coming in over the sand. Fifteen minutes into being in the room and they are each about four beers down and showing no signs of slowing down and I just knew something, something bad, was on the horizon. I will be dammed if I wasn't right too.
We hang out in the hotel room for a while when two of them, Red and Jay, decided that they want to go rambling. Mark, the other guy who drove and never lets anyone drive his car, didn't want to go so Red and Jay are stuck with using their Jerusalem cruisers to get around. They take off and Mark and I are hanging out in the hotel and talking about what we were going to do over the weekend. After a while I notice the slurred speech which is prelude to an event filled afternoon. Homeboy is about half a case in and feeling no pain when he announces that he needs to use the facilities or as he put it "need to piss". Let me give you the layout of the room, it is a rectangle with two queen beds and a square bathroom that looked to be put in after the fact which was right by the front door, typical cheap beach hotel room. Mark makes his way to the restroom does his business and makes his way back to the main room when he proclaims that he hates the hiccups which he now has a case of. He keeps asking me what can he do to get rid of them and I guess he thought that if he asked me 1,001 times that I may get some sort of revelation and change my answer from "I don't know" to something else. But alas, he was wrong.
It is about this time that Mark is good and hammered and proclaims his hatred for bugs. Okay… not sure what that has to do with anything but good for you homeboy. I was about to find out why he was informing me of this displeasure of bugs existence. He thought he saw one so he balls up his fist and punches the wall and what he "thought" was a bug on the wall. What he actually saw in his drunken stupor was the shadow being cast by the sunlight hitting a nail that was left in the wall and painted over. Ever be around a drunk who has just hurt himself? You would rather have a colonoscopy, which has to be less painful than having to deal with all of the bitching and moaning. Now I have a drunken dude running around the room bleeding all over the place and griping about hiccups and the phone rings. Who in the hell could that be? It is Red and Jay wanting me to come pick them up from a local shop because they are tired. Yeah, I will get right on that. But I get to feeling sorry for them and decide that I would see how drunk Mark was. When he said it was okay if I took his car to go pick them up I knew he was plowed. Mark goes to get me his keys and slips in some of the blood he spilled on the floor and bangs his head on the floor. So now I know that I have to find some way of restraining him so that he doesn't hurt himself. I had to get both of the flat sheets off of the bed, tie them together and use them to tie Mark to the bed. Once I feel that is he not going to be a danger to himself I get the keys and head out the door. When I get to where the gruesome twosome tells me they are going to be waiting for me, they are gone. I go in and ask the clerk if he had seen them and he tells me that they split about 20 minutes ago. Assholes! So back to the hotel I go. When I get there I find Mark passed out, thank god!
I am just hanging out in the hotel room for a while when the phone rings again and it is Jay and Red again, wanting me to come get them none the less. I tell them to stay put and I will go get them but it will be a little while because of the traffic on the strip. By the time I get to where they say they are again they are gone, well F them. No more feeling sorry for them. But I was getting a bit hungry and I did spy a Mickey D's nearby. So I roll over to it where I notice my cousin's car. I find a place to park and go in to talk to my cousin. After talking to him for a while I got some food to go and for whatever dumb-ass reason I wanted a chocolate milkshake. As I make my way to the car I put my milkshake on the roof of the car so that I can get the keys out of my pocket, unlock the door, toss the bag of food in the car, get in and make my way through the parking lot. At this particular location there is a wide shoulder on the road that local law enforcement uses when traffic is heavy on the strip, this is about to come into play in this story. There I am making my way through the parking lot and I notice that a lot of people are looking at the car, I just thought that it was because of the car. So I am just about to pull out into the street when a cop comes hauling down the shoulder and I slam on the breaks so that I don't get in his way. This is when, unbeknown to me, the milkshake that I accidentally left on the roof of the car falls over and spills onto the windshield of the car. Not realizing what it was I said "what the hell kind of bird was that?!" Then I see the cup rolling on the ground. Oh great, I am an idiot. Now I got to find a car wash. Which I did, and now I am on a mission to have this stupid milkshake. I make my way back to McDonalds and take advantage of the drive-thru so that I don't make the same mistake. Now I am happy, have my milkshake, inside the car, and actually made my way back onto the strip. But traffic is heavy so it may take me a while to get back to the hotel, oh well guess I will have to enjoy cruising and cranking up some pirate radio for a while.
During this particular spring break there were cops everywhere, like every eighth mile or so. Really cracking down I guess. So I see one near me, turn down the stereo and try to act cool. He sees me drinking and ask me what was in my cup. To which I replied a milkshake and asked him why he was asking. He said they are looking for people drinking and driving and asked if I would mind if he checked my drink. No, I don't mind and hand him my cup. He opens the lid, looks into it, takes a sniff and thanks me and hands it back to me. Okay, no big deal. So I get a little farther down the road and I see another cop, but this guy doesn't use the same approach. He looks at me and says "What's in the cup boy" to which my pompous ass thought "boy?!" but the part of me that didn't want to get harassed by the cops stepped in and said just shut up and be nice. So I tell him it's a milkshake and that his buddy just checked it. He asked "Do you mind?" and motioned for me to hand him the cup. Which I did and he TOOK A DAMN SIP OF MY DRINK! I couldn't believe it. What an a-hole. Then he hands it back to me. Yeah, like I am going to drink it now. Out of involuntary actions I hold the cup out of the window and the cop tells me that it is a $150 fine for littering. This milkshake deal was not meant to be so I had to let that one go.
I make my way back to the hotel, park the car, and go to the room. But I can't open the door all of the way, like something was behind it. What the hell. Oh god, it is Mark's drunk ass passed out in the doorframe of the bathroom blocking me from opening the door to the room. So I get him up and into the room where I can see that he has started drinking again, pretty heavily I might add. So I get him to sit on the bed and try to clean up when he says "number 7" and trots off back to the bathroom. Number 7?, what does that mean? He says it's the number of times that he has thrown up and lets me know that the substance that I am cleaning up with the towels is barf… damn, thanks dude.
About this time the sun is starting to go down and the social life is starting to heat up. I am sure that Mark is somewhat more sober at this point but still not Red and Jay. As luck would have it, they called the room again, wanting to be picked up again. I let them know that I will get right on it and tell Mark what they wanted. F them was his reply, sounds good to me. But he is hungry now and way to drunk and scared of cops to drive so I have to chauffeur him around. We find a burger joint that he wanted to go to but he insisted that we go in. So there we are standing in line to get our food to go *eye roll* when I notice that the guy working the counter in the line that we were in was handicapped and that Mark "weirds out" about things like that. But we are so close to the register and there is no way that I am going to get in the back of another line to buy food that I am not going to enjoy. No sooner had I realized what was going on when I see Mark get the big eyes and looks over at me. In an effort to keep him from making an ass out of himself and embarrassing me at the same time I tell him "just be cool, just be cool" to which he replied with "don't let him touch my food Sweezey, don't let him touch my food" I reassured him that he wouldn't and that the people in the back are cooking the food and that he was just taking our money for it. We get his food and head back to the car. Drunky Drunkenheimer sitting in the passenger seat of his car with the door open, takes one bite out of his food and then dumps it out in the parking lot stating "dude, he touched my food, I can taste it" What ever, let's just go back to the hotel.
We get back to the hotel and head towards our room when I realize, hey someone is having a party… in our freaking room!!!! I walk into the room where some slack-jaw greets me and tells me to help myself to a beer and points to a cooler, my damn cooler with my damn beer in it. Everyone in the room was drinking my beer. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!!! People got pissed when I kicked them out, until I told them that I had called the cops, at which they all thought it was a good time to take off, hmm, wonder why? Just goes to prove that drunk kids are stupid, like I would call the cops to report underage drinking in my room because they were drinking my beer, while I was 16, morons.
Just some observations
I do not go shopping very often. Other than the fact that malls and department stores seem to cause people to loose all sense of rational thinking, I have no idea why I hate to go to them. But I do.
But a few days before Christmas I went to this little import boutique called Super Target (pronounced Tar'shay, I think it's French!). So we needed to pick up a couple of things, one of which was diapers. So I go to the Baby section of the store, where they had strollers, high-chairs, bottles, pacifiers, and so on. But no diapers. So I double check the area. There are bibs, baby lotion, bottle liners, and wash clothes. But yet again, no diapers. I finally find them, guess where. In the food section. Why in the hell are they there? So I get to thinking about it, I guess it makes sense. I mean babies will need them after you eat, convenient I guess.
Then I noticed something else that may be set up for our connivance, but funny regardless. The Lingerie section leads right into the baby section. Ironic don't you think? Pretty sure that some lingerie has lead to babies.
But why is everyone pissed off? I mean you are the slack-jawed, mouth-breathing idiots who wanted until the last minute to shop for the biggest gift giving holiday of the year. Not like they sprung it on you. Surprise! We decided to have Christmas on December 25th this year! It's always on the same day.
Oh and one other thing. In this politically correct world that we live in, we are supposed to say "Happy Holidays" and not "Merry Christmas" so that we don't offend anyone. But everything associated with the holiday season ramps up to and ends on December 25th. Hell, Hanukkah, which last for 8 days, started on December 5th this year. And Kwanzaa doesn't even start until December 26th. So why do we try to fool ourselves into believing that we (and by we I mean the media) are being universal and not playing any favorites? Just say Merry Christmas. If it offends someone, big deal, get over yourself. Someone was just trying to be nice to you.
Hell, even my old, "atheist" roommate in Virginia went to see his parents' house on Christmas. I asked him why he did it when he claims to be atheist. To which he replied "Hey man, I want free stuff too". Maybe the message is lost but we all celebrate it the same way.
But a few days before Christmas I went to this little import boutique called Super Target (pronounced Tar'shay, I think it's French!). So we needed to pick up a couple of things, one of which was diapers. So I go to the Baby section of the store, where they had strollers, high-chairs, bottles, pacifiers, and so on. But no diapers. So I double check the area. There are bibs, baby lotion, bottle liners, and wash clothes. But yet again, no diapers. I finally find them, guess where. In the food section. Why in the hell are they there? So I get to thinking about it, I guess it makes sense. I mean babies will need them after you eat, convenient I guess.
Then I noticed something else that may be set up for our connivance, but funny regardless. The Lingerie section leads right into the baby section. Ironic don't you think? Pretty sure that some lingerie has lead to babies.
But why is everyone pissed off? I mean you are the slack-jawed, mouth-breathing idiots who wanted until the last minute to shop for the biggest gift giving holiday of the year. Not like they sprung it on you. Surprise! We decided to have Christmas on December 25th this year! It's always on the same day.
Oh and one other thing. In this politically correct world that we live in, we are supposed to say "Happy Holidays" and not "Merry Christmas" so that we don't offend anyone. But everything associated with the holiday season ramps up to and ends on December 25th. Hell, Hanukkah, which last for 8 days, started on December 5th this year. And Kwanzaa doesn't even start until December 26th. So why do we try to fool ourselves into believing that we (and by we I mean the media) are being universal and not playing any favorites? Just say Merry Christmas. If it offends someone, big deal, get over yourself. Someone was just trying to be nice to you.
Hell, even my old, "atheist" roommate in Virginia went to see his parents' house on Christmas. I asked him why he did it when he claims to be atheist. To which he replied "Hey man, I want free stuff too". Maybe the message is lost but we all celebrate it the same way.
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