Zobmondo Questions for 8/30/08 & 8/31/08

Would you rather

Develop the worst case of acne ever on record

-OR-

Have your spouse suffer with it?




Would you rather

Have to kill Winnie the Pooh

-OR-

Bambi?

Don't get dead

Don't get dead?

A lot of people have asked me, “What does don’t get dead mean?” Well, the answer is quite simple. While we are on this planet we are either living or dead. And if you are not living life to the fullest, you might as well be dead. It’s kind of a mantra.

Now I am not talking about going out and risking life and limb or doing a bunch of extreme stuff or anything specific, but I am talking about enjoying the time we have. So go out, do stuff, have fun, smile, laugh, and enjoy yourself. Have a party, go out and see the world, pursue an education, try new things but just don’t sit around and waist your life away. In other words, don’t get dead.

Trust me there is enough everyday stuff that can bring you down, don’t celebrate it by not taking advantage of all that this world has to offer.

But after I started blogging it takes on a second meaning, in short, don’t do stupid shit to get yourself killed.

So as Thaddeus Gunn said, “Keep Living like Thanksgiving”

OR




Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 8/29/08

Would you rather

have a beautiful mate who you could never get to orgasm

-OR-

have a less than attractive mate who you could make orgasm every time?

Don't get dead

And I mean it in the nicest way

Have you ever heard someone say something like he has nice handwriting for a guy or she’s a good driver for a girl or she is cute for a big girl or he seems really nice for a black guy? Well all have right. But is it really a compliment if you have to qualify it?

Shouldn’t it just be he has nice handwriting, she is a good driver, she is cute or he seems really nice? Doesn’t it say something about you if you have to qualify a compliment?

Isn’t that like saying “I simply feel the need to say something nice to you but it’s not genuine”?

So why not go ahead and make it back-handed. Yeah, go ahead and degrade them to their face.

If you see someone who is overweight, tell them that they don’t smell too bad for a fat person. See a male member of another race, tell them that you would almost let them date your daughter. See a good looking tall guy, tell him that he is not bad looking for a freak of nature. See a decent looking big girl, tell her that she probably puts out well because she don’t have much else going for her. She an Asian woman, tell her that you bet she gives a mean happy ending for a slut. See a Hispanic woman, tell her that you would almost let her clean your house when you weren’t home. See a guy from the Middle East, tell him that his stench isn’t nearly as bad as most Middle Easterners. Why not?

What? It’s rude? It’s mean? Is it really? I mean if you are going to qualify your compliment aren’t you insulting the receiver of the compliment anyway? Just in an underhanded way. Why not just be a big person and be blatant about it? Don’t beat around the bush. Hell, just go all out and call them a mother fucker or something like that.

Or maybe, just maybe, leave the qualifying statement off and just give the compliment outright.

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 8/28/08

Would you rather

be one of ten engineers who designed a bridge that one day collapses, resulting in 100 fatalities

-OR-

be the only engineer of a bridge that one day collapses, resulting in one fatality?


Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 8/27/08

Would you rather

hit every red light for the rest of your life

-OR-

always be wrong?

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey – Conflicted

Dear Sweezey,

So, I wish I had a girlfriend but girls annoy the piss outta me. Anytime I find one remotely interesting I think to myself, "Self, you're the man. Talk to her, ask her out." and when I go to actually do it my inner voice says, "PSYCH! You suck loser. You're not interesting and she's not interested in you." I don't know anybody in Dallas and I get lonely a lot. I used to be a really confident person and now I just feel like a loser. I guess I only see the negative in myself but I see the positives in everyone else. I just haven't had a lot of affirmation lately from anyone about how I'm doing in life. I literally stay in my apartment until it's time for work. I drive to work, I drive home, and repeat. It's tough to go out when you don't know anybody cuz you don't want to be the guy who goes to the bar or the movies by himself. I go to the gym every once in a while but I can't gather up the courage to talk to anyone that I don't know. Seriously, who wants to be bothered by some big ogre looking dude while they're trying to work out? I don't know where I got this negative self-image from but it sucks. I need someone to stroke my ego. Not you though....Thats another thing, I don't want any help from anyone ever. I bitch about how much my life sucks but when people try to throw me a bone I tell them to keep it. I don't know what the point of me writing this is but whatever, I wrote it.

- Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

I think you DO want my help, or you wouldn’t have written me. So I will give it a shot.

First thing is that you think too much. Dude, if you see a chick you like, talk to her. In your case, let the little head do the thinking for you. That grey crap between your ears is what is killing you. And don’t over think this stuff, you make it way more complicated than it needs to be. Don’t look at a girl and start to visualize having a family with her, think about having dinner with her first. Don’t put the cart before the horse.

There are several ways that you can get to know people. First one is to get one of those dating websites. Seriously, if you just want to go and meet people and have some fun, sign up. I have a buddy who works for Match.com, who was in town from London over the weekend. He was telling us that there are literally millions of people on these sites. If you don’t want to drop the cash to join one I think Yahoo has free personals.

You got to do something other than sit in your apartment if you want to meet people. Unless you got the hots for the pizza delivery guy or the mailman you got to get out and be seen. I doubt highly that there are any chicks who just go door to door seeing who is inside incase they want to get to know them. Come on dude, get your goofy ass out to where people are. What are your hobbies/likes? Go to places where people do things you like. You like music? Go to a club that has live music. You like technology stuff… go to… Best Buy or somewhere like that. You like cars, go to car shows. See a trend here? And go to the mall, shop for a shirt, if you see a chick that you like, ask her what she thinks about that shirt for you or something. Just open your cake hole (make sure you brushed your teeth) and talk to them. Go to the grocery store and ask a girl if she knows how to tell if a melon is ripe, which works on two levels! Do something, damn dude, go get a cup of coffee at Starbucks, they are on every damn corner in town. An just strike up a conversation with a girl. Just not politics, religion or gun control.

The reason that I am sending you to look for girls is two fold, one – it’s the easiest way to get to know people if you have an interest such as physical attraction. And two, I guarantee you that she is going to have friends, and she is going to want to go out with these friends, which you will get invited along. Instant networking.

But the simplest and most effective way to meet people is to throw a party. Yeah, hell yeah, have a party at your apartment. Clean it up, hide your stroke mags and comic books and invite everyone that you work with. The reason you invite everyone is because until people get to know you the majority of the people you work with aren’t going to come and people have VERY different lives outside of the office. So the biggest A-hole in the office might be a hell of a lot of fun after-hours. Oh, and make sure you let them know that they can bring friends to the party too. The next thing you need to do is to have something for people to snack on and have at least plenty of beer. Turn on a popular radio station or something and just keep smiling.

If that is not quite your style, maybe you should try something we used to do called Viewing Parties. They are very simple and work quite well. Find something to watch with a theme and invite people over. So, say on Thursday night you set up a Cheech and Chong Viewing Party. You go and rent or buy all of the Cheech and Chong movies (or Eddie Murphy movies, or Star Wars or what ever), again either pizza or snack and beer and invite everyone. It’s not about what you are watching, it’s about social networking. You invite Bob from work and Bob is popular and he brings his date Mary, well the next time you have a party Bob and Mary bring their friend Cindy and bam, you just made new friends. Get it?

Damnit, I started to go off on you and ended up giving you real advice. I didn’t unleash a barrage of sarcasm on you.

Crap!

- Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 8/26/08

Would you rather

Not have sex for two years

-OR-

not be able to use the Internet for two years?

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 8/25/08

Would you rather

Be on vacation with your 60 year-old parents and have your mom insist on wearing a thong bikini

-OR-

have your dad insist on wearing a tiny, Euro-style bikini bathing suit?

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 8/24/08

Sorry if this isn’t the best Zobmondo question, but I am recovering from a nice little poker party last night. We were tearing it up, Plenty of boozing, BSing and bluffing. Sadly I didn’t come home with the cash this time. But I may (or may not) blog about the party later.

So the question for today is

Would you rather

Live without music

-OR-

Live without T.V.?

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 8/23/08

Would you rather

On a first date, wear a T-shirt that says, “I’m with Stupid”

-OR-

a T-shirt that ask, “Who Cut The Cheese?”

Don't get dead

More odd news

Sheriff goes to jail for an education

CHICAGO (Reuters) - There's a new sheriff in jail.

Sheriff Mark Curran of Lake County, Illinois, walked into his own jail on Wednesday to spend a week as a prisoner, saying he was divinely inspired to learn what it was like to be confined and to sample jail programs designed to reduce recidivism.

"The biblical adage that we reap what we sow is very true in criminal justice," said Curran, 45, before exchanging his business suit for a prison jumpsuit at the Waukegan, Illinois, facility near Chicago.

Illinois "has historically had one of the worst-run prison systems in the nation ... treating inmates like caged animals only to see them released back into their communities angrier and more bitter than they originally were," he said.

Curran will spend time in the general population of some 600 inmates who are awaiting trial on charges of murder, rape and lesser crimes, though at times he will have his own cell.

He will sit in on high school equivalency classes, and spend a night in the high-security unit and in the medical unit.


What a royal screw job for the tax payers in Lake County. So not only would they be paying taxes for his salary they will be paying taxes for him to be imprisoned for a week. Paying taxes for his cell, his jumpsuit, laundry, food, air-conditioning and paying taxes to pay the teachers in the classes that he is sitting in on.

Talk about getting the shaft. I hope Mark Curran isn’t up for re-election this year, this would be political gold. And since the sheriff is an elected official, who wouldn’t use this against him?

Makes you hope that he becomes D-Bo’s bitch while he is in there. You know, to give him the realistic experience.

If I lived in Lake County I would raise all kinds of stink demanding that the sheriff either gives up his salary or the cost of taking care of a prisoner for one week, which ever is higher.

While I don’t live in Lake County, don’t know this guy, don’t have anything against cops or any sort thing like that, I am a tax payer. And I would be mega-pissed if my tax dollars where being used twice for this goofballs experiment.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 8/22/08

Would you rather

Be forced to preface everything you say with the phrase "Tuck it in" under threat of being slapped

-OR-

have a magnetic head?

Don't get dead

Odd news story

Baby pronounced dead lives after hours in cooler

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - A stillborn Israeli baby who was pronounced dead by doctors "came back to life" on Monday after spending hours in a hospital refrigerator.

The baby, weighing only 600 grams at birth, spent at least five hours inside one of the hospital's refrigerated storage units, before her parents, who had taken her to be buried, began noticing some movement.

"We unwrapped her and felt she was moving. We didn't believe it at first. Then she began holding my mother's hand, and then we saw her open her mouth," said 26-year-old Faiza Magdoub, the baby's mother.

The baby was pronounced dead several hours earlier, after doctors at Western Galilee hospital in northern Israel were forced to abort her mother's pregnancy because of internal bleeding. Magdoub was 23 weeks into her pregnancy.

"We don't know how to explain this, so when we don't know how to explain things in the medical world we call it a miracle, and this is probably what happened," hospital deputy director Moshe Daniel said.

The baby was then taken to the hospital's neonatal intensive care unit for further treatment, but doctors were not sure how long she will live.

Motti Ravid, a professor of internal medicine, told Israel's Channel 10 that the low temperature inside the cooler had slowed down the baby's metabolism and likely helped her survive.


So the obvious thing here is that this baby came back to life in Jerusalem, seems like I heard about that happening before in that same area.

When this little girl is old enough to walk you know damn well someone is going to fill a tub, bucket, mixing bowl or something with water to see if she can walk on it. And if she can, you know they will be invited to every pool party. “Hey Mrs. Magdoub, could you let your daughter do her little trick? My cousin wants to see it.” Talk about early retirement, you could sell tickets for that at a premium! Just set your price and people from all over the world would come to see it. I bet you wouldn’t have to pay for a meal anywhere in the world. I wonder what they will name her, think it will be Jesse or something like that?

But more importantly, this tells me that if I ever go to visit Jerusalem (since it is oh so safe for Americans to be over there) make damn sure that I don’t go to the hospital.

Ever see that scene from Monty Python’s Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the dead collector is going around calling out “Bring Out Your Dead!”? It makes me thing of something like that.

For anyone who hasn’t seen it, it goes a little something like this…

The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.
The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: What?
Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.
The Dead Collector: He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector: I can't take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector: I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector: Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy.
[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body: Right.

In all seriousness, I do hope that the child lives and has a normal healthy life.

Don’t get dead (sorry, that’s kind of my thing at this part of a blog)

Zobmondo Question for 8/21/08

Would you rather

Cheat on your spouse and have nobody know

-OR-

not cheat and have everyone think you did?

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey – My Mom

Dear Sweezey,

My mother always used to tell me, "Robert, you're just like your father." I guess so....she wouldn't french kiss him neither.

- Robert

Dear Robert,

Oooooookkk.

- Sweezey


P.S. Not really a lot I can do to help you there, but that is funny as hell though.

E-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com if you have something that you need me to help you with. *Psst, it's sort of a joke thing, the e-mail address is real and I will give you my advice/opnion but I am not certified by anyone or anything. I am just a prick with an opnion.

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo question for 8/20/08

Would you rather
Have a bad acid trip while on a family vacation with your in-laws

-OR-

Be the only cleaning person for a fetish porno movie company?

Don't get dead

The stupidest person on the face of the earth

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the stupidest person on planet earth. Please enjoy this video of an idiot kite-surfing in a tropical storm.



You know at some point he had a conversation like this.

Dude, we are so going to catch some gnarly air! Yeah, hell yeah, it will be most righteous! Then fast forward until he is out on the beach. Woah man, this is wicked cool. Check it out man I am SOOOO freaking high, tropical storms make the best wind… oh hell that building is coming up fas… BAMM!

I love the smell of stupid in the morning.

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo question for 8/19/08

Would you rather

Have explosive and unpredictable diarrhea for 24 hours while traveling in another country which you have never been in before

OR

Eat your favorite meal for every meal for a week covered in salt?

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 8/18/08

Would you rather

Have your tongue covered in hair

OR

Have facial acne that never clears up?

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey – Venting

Dear Sweezey,

I've been so busy lately I haven't had any time to just sit down and relax... I'm burnt out. I'm so tired when I get home and yet I can't sleep because my mind keeps going. I exercise and that used to help but it doesn't help much anymore. While I'm running I'm running through all the stuff that I still need to do and all that I've done to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. Then finally when I finish I get a few seconds of peace and solace. Why can't life be more like that for awhile? I just don’t know what to do to take my mind off of stuff. Do you think I should take a vacation or something? I might have sometime in mid-October.

Burt Out

Dear BO,

The answer to your problems is an easy one. DRUGS! You need lots and lots of drugs. Not the kinds from the Doctors, but heavy duty, trip your ass off, street drugs. Take the bus to the ghetto and go score yourself some pills, powders and herbs and have yourself a little party. You won’t give a shit about anything you have to do after that. Ask all of those dudes on COPS.

Then once you are hooked you will keep going back and poof, no more worries about being responsible.

And if that doesn’t kill you when you get busted and end up in jail, worrying about when D-Bo wants his salad tossed will surely keep your mind off of all of the stuff that you need to do when you get back to work. I hope you don’t run out of jelly!

Dude, it’s just part of life called being an adult. Get used to it, it’s not going anywhere.

Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Men and Women

For eons everyone has known that men and women are different. From the very obvious physical appearance to emotional needs and everything in between. Almost every comic has used this in their routine, television shows have been made from this, people have even become best selling authors from it. And still scientist study the differences in men and women on a daily basis. So I by no means know everything about the differences between men and women.

But I am always interested. I am always learning something about the way men and women are different. Either from my lovely wife, or her sisters, their mom, other female family members, female friends and so on. And I am just fascinated by it. How the female in almost every spices of life has this thing that they are born with that is engrained in the DNA which help comfort their young and take care of them. That mothering six sense if you will. How just being around their young brings a calming effect. But not just that, how men and women produce pheromones which attract the opposite sex. And how from an early age girls want to be a home maker and are much better then boys at organization and caring and compassion.

I mean as a guy I know that I don’t always recognize the needs of others. So this study in the difference in men and women is something that I am amazed by. Such as when my children where very young my wife could tell if their cry was a hungry cry, a mad cry, a hurt cry and so on. And it’s just incredible.

So to me these extra senses that women have are very interesting.

Like last night I learned that my wife can tell how hot something that I am taking out of the microwave is by the amount of vulgarities that come out of my mouth when I am holding it.

Simply amazing.

Don’t get dead

Zobmono question for 8/14/08

Would you rather

Be six foot tall and ugly

OR

Three foot tall and beautiful


I got a feeling that these questions are going to take a wicked turn in the future.

Don't get dead

Every time that the phone rings I panic just a little bit

One day I get a call from my wife who, at the time, was working from home. Since I was in the office she asked if I had a moment and that she needed to tell me something. Of course this makes me a little nervous but I told her that I had some time and asked what was up. She goes on to tell me that while she was on a conference call with three vice-presidents of her company she noticed that the children where quiet. Any one who reads this and has children knows that sometimes when your children are quiet it can be a bad thing. Since she was on this call she couldn’t really just yell for the kids but she knew that she had to investigate. So she mutes her phone and goes into the kid’s bath room.

If you are drinking anything right now go ahead and swallow it.

She opens the door to the bathroom and finds my two year-old son standing there, naked and blue. Yeah, blue, like the primary color. From head to toe he was blue.

Want to know why? Well it wasn’t that he was choking or anything like that. Nope, he took the cup that they use to rise after brushing their teeth and decided to baptize himself in the toilet. Our father, who are the Tidy Bowl Man, bless this child and keep us from checking our self into the looney bin.

So not only was he blue, the floor was covered in about an eighth inch of blue water. Fortunately there was nothing else in the toilet. My wife called poison control in case he ingested some of it. Just in case you are wondering, blue tidy bowl is actually safe to eat. Might make you feel like something you would flush but a bowl full won’t kill you.

And we all thought that the popularity of the Smurfs died in the 80’s.

Don’t get dead

How rad is my wife?

Yeah, I said rad and I am bring that word back. The other day I came home and she had dinner cooking, the house sparking clean, both of our children working on an activity and had edited tons of pictures. I am so lucky. And she puts up with me, which is nice.

We have a good time together and she is a lot funnier than she realizes. One night a while back, both of our lovely children where giving us fits. Nothing major just didn’t want to go to bed/sleep and we were doing everything in our power to be good parents. So we walk out of their bedrooms and are about to go downstairs when I stopped at the top of the stairs and was just looking down. My wife asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was thinking about throwing myself down the stairs hard enough to get an extended stay in a hospital room. A nice quiet hospital room.

My wife told me that she would go to the hospital and stand on my air hose if I did that.

She completes me!

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo question for 8/13/08

Would you rather

Have your only car be the weinermobile

OR

A monster truck with tires as tall as you are?

Don't get dead

Zobmondo question for 8/12/08

I almost forgot to post a question for today. I totally forgot to post one yesterday. So here goes.

Would you rather …

Be world famous for committing a crime

OR

Do something great, such as saving a life, and no one ever finds out?

Don’t get dead

So yeah, I am going to hell ...

... but this is funny!




This one is great too!



Don't get dead

Tattoos

Recently I was talking with a friend who has several tattoos. He had several Chinese symbols that he was showing me. Which of course sparked the typical question “what does that mean?” for each of the symbols. And he had an answer for all of them, this one is the symbol for strength, this one is the symbol for harmony, this one is the symbol for happiness, this one is the symbol for passion and so on.

Now I don’t know if I am just a gigantic smart ass or if this is something that other people have thought/asked but I had to know. So I ask him “how do you know?” I mean unless you know Chinese, how do you really know what has been put under your skin?

Now with the internet you can use a search engine to find what a symbol looks like but do you carry your laptop to the tattoo shop? Do they have an internet hookup in the shops? If not, how do you know? I mean you are taking it on blind faith that the guy with the ink and needle is honest and really knows what he is talking about. And before the internet was invented how did anyone know?

It’s a good thing that I am not a tattoo artist because I would be screwing with people big time. Someone would come into my shop and want the Chinese symbol for leadership or something like that and I would tattoo them with the Chinese symbol for virgin or something like that. Just simply because I am a jackass. So I wonder, has anyone ever gotten a different symbol than what they wanted? That would be pretty damn funny to me.

But that leads me to something else that I wonder about. It seems that in America the Chinese symbols are very popular. Unless I am mistaken, these symbols are words in the Chinese culture. So, are American words popular as tattoos in China? Is there so guy running around China with the word “power” or “strength” or “happiness” or something like that tattooed on them? Which also makes me wonder, are there jackass tattoo artist in China would tattoo “booger” or something like that on a guy who wanted to get “power” tattooed on them? That would be classic.

Don’t get dead

The Game Plan

I have just watched the movie “The Game Plan” with the Rock for about the 30th time and I got to say, that chick who is the dance instructor is freak hot!

That’s all

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo - It’s audience participation time!

Ever play Zobmondo? It’s the “would you rather” game where you are asked if you absolutely had too, would you rather do this or that. This game is a trip. So every day I am going to try to think of a zobmondo question and post on my blog. I do hope everyone who reads it will post an answer.

So the question for today is, if you HAD to would you rather

Immerse your naked body in a bathtub of cockroaches
-OR-
dive naked head first into a pool of chewing tobacco spit?

So come on and play.

Let me know which you would pick, I look forward to your responses.

Don't get dead

Olympics

Is anyone getting excited about the summer Olympics? I have a slight interest only because of the “controversy”. Other than that I could care less. But I don’t know why. The Olympics used to be a big deal. Now it’s almost like any other TV show. It used to be that people knew who were going to be our biggest competitors and the U.S. was expected to medal if not win pretty much every event that we entered. Now, I don’t know how many events we are going to enter, who any of the big name athletes are or if we are even expected to medal in anything. This could completely be me, maybe I have gotten out of the loop and everyone else still has Olympic fever if you will.

I am interested to watch the opening ceremonies just to see if anything happens. Waiting for the train wreck to happen if you will. That is if I am home and happen to think about it.

And just like the winter games with Curling, the summer games have their stupid event, walking. Yeah, walking is an Olympic event. Who know that I was an Olympiad in training! I have been walking for years. But how do to tell a fast walk from a jog? I could be completely off base, just funny to me.

I do hope that the U.S. team does well.

Don’t get dead

You got to watch this show

As I have stated several times, I am not a big fan or reality TV and I don’t watch a whole lot of TV in general. But for the last couple of weeks or so I have started to love this show that Tracy Morgan host called Scare Tactics. It’s a practical joke show where they put people in these crazy situations and scare the hell out of them. They put the victims in every situation from secret government experiments gone horribly wrong to murders and pretty much every other horror movie situation that you can think of. I love this show. What I would like to see is the stuff that they can’t air. Like was there a time that someone just freaked out. I wonder if anyone ever pulled out their cell phone and called 9-1-1? I wonder if anyone ever passed out or wet themselves or something like that. I have seen some where they had to bleep some of the language but I wonder if they had someone that just wouldn’t quit cussing or something like that. I wonder if anyone actually ever crapped their pants. Or if someone ever got really upset and didn’t see the humor in it. That would be a fun show to work on. If you get a chance be sure to watch it.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Fed Up

Dear Sweezey,

A little while ago I was complaining because I hated my job... Now I have a new one that I hate even more. How funny is life? Can one survive quitting a job without having one lined up? My husband and family are not very supportive of this. But I am tired of my hair falling out every day. I apply to no less than 10 jobs per day. I am trying to find a new one, I even applied at Border's at a significant pay decrease. When should a person say screw you, I don't have another job lined up, but I don't want to work here anymore either?

- Fed Up

Dear FU,

So let me get this straight, you had a job, hated it, quit, got another job, hate it even more and are looking to quit and your family is not supportive of your idea. Seems to me that the common thread is all of this is YOU. So it’s probably not the jobs, but it is you.

You sound like a lazy, whiney, egotistical looser. Why don’t you shut your cake hole and work hard for a change? I would be willing to bet that if you didn’t waste your time focusing on the bad parts of the job and tried to do a good job that you would be much happier. Or maybe you should go to school and get a skill and be damn good at what you do for a change.

NO ONE likes getting up every day and going to work but we do because we have responsibilities. There is not a person I know who wouldn’t rather wake up on their own and decide if they want to layout by the pool or go shopping or go fishing or whatever other than go to work. But we all know that is what we have to do.

Bitch, if you quit your job and end up on welfare or government assistance or whatever because you are lazy, I will hunt you down, drag your ass to Washington and let all of the tax payers line up to beat your ass.

- Sweezey

DearSweezey@gmail.com


Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - how do i deal

Dear Sweezey,

okay.... so my husband has been around the block ... and them some... those the size of like extra long blocks... i knew this when i married him... i accepted it. the deal i can't deal is that majority are still in contact because alot of them were friends before so they remain friends even after the f@ck. i have met a couple because they have mutual friends.... they were nice no crazy shit... but i can't stand the fact that i am in a social setting with some women that have had my husband. i did the psycho fit sh!t and he no longers keeps in touch with them. It was a weekly chat on the phone or they would call each other just to say hi... now.... i know you think it's my insecurity (maybe it is IDK) but i don't want my husband to have contact with anyone he slept with. Not dated... slept with. i wouldn't do that to him--and i dont even tho i could still keep in touch with old partners who i am friends with but i don't because i don't want my husband to think anything otherwise. now his friends tease him that he's on leash... and i hate it ... it's not like that... i just sometimes feel that i did go to far but that i have justification....

- Psycho Wife

Dear Psycho Wife,

I hate to break it to you but he is banging each and every one of them. Oh yeah, most definitely tapping it. Sounds like he is quite the stud. I would even go as far as to bet that he was hoping to have you join them all at some point but you broke crazy on him. You should not even worry about it, nothing you can do at this point.

What you should do is apologize to him for telling him that you don’t want him to talk to them any more and then let him know that it is ok if he starts talking to them again. Then you should cut off all ties with the outside world. Make sure you have a damn good meal ready for him each and every day when he comes home from work and you better be wearing something sexy, if you are in the mood or not. And then when he is done with his meal, let him do any and everything that he wants. You should also ask him what you can do that would make him happy. Trust me, it’s what is best for everyone.

- Sweezey

dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – Child Support

Dear Sweezey,

ok so my husband and I have been married for almost 3 years...soon after our son was born we separated and recently got back together. no divorce.

anyways while apart my son was on medicaid (2 years), i got no child support...i never wanted it....Today a sheriff came to our house and said my husband is due in court.

they want him to pay for past medical support and possible child support, but I do not want child support! *we are back together)

so have you ever heard of this???

how do they decide what he has to pay????

can they make him pay past child support even if i say no???

- worried mom

Dear Worried Mom,

Maybe I am missing something but if you are back together and they do make him pay, wouldn’t the money just come back to you?

Sweezey

dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - I need some relationship advice!

Dear Sweezey,

I was dating a girl for a month and we found out she was pregnant. Her background is she works as a bartender, parties allot has a ton of guy friends, my background corporate guy and make over 150K a year. I immeadiately stepped up, moved her in, got her on my insurance, bought her new clothes, took her to drs visit, paid off some of her debt, got her car fixed, kept her cell phone on, took her on a vacation. Now I realize I am not perfect, I have been getting on her a little to be happy about all of this, and take the opportunity to work on getting a better job etc. Last week she told me she is moving in with one of her friends because its too stressful living with me, and she wants me to date her now until the baby comes? Pick her up, take her to dinner, drop her off etc. This seems such a backwards move, but I told her if that is what she needs then I will support even if I dont agree. But now I am wondering, is she just trying to have her cake and eat it to? I mean is she just trying to be independent single on her own, and have me around at the same time? Any thoughts would be helpful.
Thanks for reading

Sincerely

Confused!
Me 35
Her 30


Dear Confused!,

You are an idiot. And she is playing you for a fool, which you are. What you mean to say is that you were dating a girl for a month and YOU found that that she was pregnant. Trust me, she knew already. And just how do you expect me to believe that you rake in over $150K when you can’t spell immediately correctly? Just as an FYI, the abbreviation of doctors starts with a capital letter and the word “don’t” has an apostrophe (‘) <-- one of those.

So back to you being a moron. Just say that you do make over $150K and this girl is a bartender who probably doesn’t make a ton of cash. Do you think that wherever she works has a medical plan? And I would be willing to bet that most of her income is cash, probably not a lot of savings going on. Look, I am not saying that bartenders are bad people, not even close to saying that. But I do know that it is a tough job to make a lot of money at.

In essences you were here scratch off lottery ticket and you paid off big time.

You said that you got her car fixed, dumbass.

You said that you paid off some of her debt, mega-dumbass.

Then you paid to have her cell phone working, look boys and girls it’s SUPERDUMBASS!

Dude, who do you think she is calling with that phone? The babies daddy and by that I mean the real daddy not you, you tool.

Then on top of all that, you took her on a vacation? I wish I could reach you right now so that I can strangle your p-whipped ass.

God I wish that I had a vag so that I could get you to drop some cash on me you pitiful man.

What you did was to make her babydaddy’s life a hell of a lot easier.

Do you honestly think that she wants a better job? Why would she? She can still live the party life and as long as she keeps stringing you along, she has tons of stuff taken care of for her. You’re a sugar-daddy without being smart enough to realize it.

I would have come through the wall like the Kool-Aid man if this girl told me that she was about to move in with one of her friends after I did everything you said that you did for her.

If you keep “dating” her until the baby comes I am going to find you and bitch-slap you until your head spins around like Linda Blair. Dude, take the day off tomorrow and watch Jerry Spring or Maury Povich.

YOU ARE BEING USED FOR MONEY YOU DUMBASS!!!

Peace and love,

Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - I need an ear ..

Dear Sweezey,

Wondering how I have found myself here. Married woman with kids, great job, (sole provider of the house) finding myself very alone. Great professional job, good kids, and ALONE. Looking for a life. Not a negative person, really! lol. I just know there has to be more out there. Looking for someone to talk to that has been through the same thing. No real friends in the area I feel comfortable talking to.

- Lonely

Dear Lonely,

Seriously, you came to ME with this?

- Sweezey

Don’t get dead

dearsweezey@gmail.com

Dear Sweezey - I may have saved a life tonight

Dear Sweezey,

As I was leaving a bar, a girl quickly stumbled backwards in front of me and fortunately my reflexes were not impaired and I caught her. She thanked me and I told her she was welcome and I kept walking. Later, it occurred to me that had I not been where I was, AND when I was, there was no one else in proximity to help her and she would certainly have fallen and hit her head on the floor so hard that it could have injured or even killed her. I'm not looking for credit for myself here, and I may be making too much of it, but her life would have definitely changed course otherwise. I am just wondering if it was just meant to be that I was there, when I was, and if so, I may never know why.

- Coincidence or divine intervention?

Dear Codi,

Please tell me that you don’t really think that you may have saved this girl from some injury or possibly death. Do you have any idea how many drunk people stumble and fall every night in bars all over world? Oh my god! I hope you have a cape! Quick, there is a drunk in a bar, call Soberman, he will catch you! Faster than a falling barstool, stronger than the urge to hurl, able to leap beer bottles in a single bound it SOBERMAN! Hero to all mankind who might have thrown back a couple of beers.

So how are you certain that she would have fallen and hit her head? Almost every drunk I have seen fall in bars, and it’s been quite a few, have either fallen face first with their hands out or on their ass. Did you whip out your protractor and calculator and do the math in mid-fall? Her rate of speed divided by the angle of her stumble multiplied by the cosine of the price of a beer… shut up you idiot.

But what if she was just jacking with you? Yeah, crazy concept but people in bars who have been drinking tend to like to play jokes on people for amusement. I know it’s kind of a stretch but I have read about it… online! So it must be true.

And you say that had you not been there that her life would have definitely changed course, well what if she is destine to be a serial killer. Nice job smuck. Now she can go on that killing spree. I hope you are happy with yourself. Had someone not caught Charles Manson, The Beltway Snipers, Jack the Ripper, The Hillside Strangler, Ted Bundy and O.J. Simpson when they were stumbling in a bar dozens of good, innocent people would still be alive today. I hope that you are happy with yourself and I hope that you have no problems sleeping at night while you think about what you have done.

- Sweezey

Don’t get dead