People in the south are trendsetters

I know that the south has this reputation of being backwards and slow but when you examine it, they really are trendsetters, at least in areas of things for the house.

For instance, when I was young most houses had three bed rooms max, so what did people in the south do? They closed in the garage making a fourth bed room. And if that wasn’t enough they would take and close in the back patio, creating another room, which could be a bed room. Now, most houses in this area are at lest four bed rooms.

And I can remember seeing old claw foot bath tubs out in the yard where the home owner would fill it with water so that the sun could heat the water. What do you know, that was the first hot tub! Now people everywhere have hot tubs.

It was also common to see people with sinks, stoves, big grills, deep fryers and so on in their back yards. Now people call them outdoor kitchens. People called them redneck, little did they know that they were ahead of their time!

When I was growing up you could drive out in the country and see people with sofas, tables and chairs on their porch and patios. Well what do you know, those were outdoor living areas, which are one of the hottest trends now. Coincidence? I think not! Matter of fact, I heard a guy from England say how impressed he was with people in the south because they had so much money that they could buy furniture that they didn’t have room for in their house.

I am not here to try to bust any stereotypes here, I just saying … :)


Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/29/08

Would you rather

get caught cheating with your best friend's spouse

-OR-

get caught cheating with a stranger's spouse?


Remember, this is if you HAD to pick one. This is a tough one. I think I would have to pick the best friend one. The reason would be because you would have a little piece of mind because you know the person and how they live.

Sort of a dammed if you do, dammed if you don't scenario.

Don't get dead

Finish the sentence for 11/29/08

The last time I got drunk I …


Oh I remember this one, and it scared me. The last time that I got drunk I came home and started a blog about how do fish know who has the right of way underwater. Because you never see fish run into each other like cars do. Well maybe they do, but you just don't see it. Oh boy, that was a good party!

Don't get dead

Finish the sentence for 11/28/08

I could not live without …


Most definitely my family. Oh and coffee! Dear god, I could not live without coffee.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/28/08

Hey everyone! Sorry that I have been out of pocket, been kind of busy with the holidays and all. But I am back and here is the Zobmondo question for today.

Would you rather

Would you rather

have all of the money you would ever want, but it’s all in pennies

-OR-

be given every thing in your life (food, house, car, clothing, etc) but have to publicly beg for it?




I will take the pennies one. I would love to pay cash for a Lamborghini and pay for it with pennies. I think that would be funny as hell. Plus I would hate to have to depend on someone else for everything.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/25/08

Would you rather

be debt free

-OR-

eleven years ahead of schedule?





Come on, simple, debt free. Because if I was going to be debt free the first thing I would do is head down to the Lambo dealership and then I would pick out a casa de grande! Additionally, if I was debt free I would be a hell of a lot farther than 11 years ahead of schedule.


Don’t get dead

Damnit!

I had something to write about and I totally forgot it.

Don’t get dead

Finish the sentence for 11/21/08

My first love is ...


For me the answer is right below my watch :)


Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/21/08

Would you rather

be able to bring about a lasting world peace

-OR-

eliminate all hunger and disease?



I would take world peace, because that way I could travel to the Middle East without having to worry about being killed. Ok, maybe when I got back we would do the whole hunger and disease thing. But I would love to see the world first.

Don’t get dead

Trippin

I am by no means a saint. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but sadly it is true. The reason that I am no saint is because I had one hell of a good time growing up. And by good time I mean we did a lot of bad shit. If this is news to you, you must be new to my blog. Trust me, go read my older post you will love them. And that’s one thing about my blog, the old post are still gold! But this post isn’t about my older post it is about one particular night while in high school. Let’s all pile into the way-back machine shall we!

One cool Saturday night in the winter of my senior year of high school I was on my way to a bonfire party. When I got to this party it was no surprise to see about 40 of my friends who I used to run with already at the party. Since I was a wee lad of only 17 years on this earth it should come to no ones surprise that the majority of us were consuming beverages that may contain a percentage of alcohol. Who am I kidding we would drink Scope if we couldn’t get someone to buy us booze. So anyway we were on our way to Shitfacedville, population all of us. Like I said, it was a Saturday night. Now this group that I used to run with liked to get a little wild and sometimes we might get a little loud and we might raise just a little hell every now and then. Shock, I know.

For what ever reason someone slipped a hit of acid or something into one of my buddies beers that night. Of course at the time we didn’t know this. Now this particular friend was a small guy, kind of quiet and didn’t really look for trouble but it always seemed to find him. Another little tid bit about this guy is that he is HORRIFIED by grave yards, funeral homes and hospitals. Anything to do to with death and dying freaks him out royally. Not to worry, I got a story about that too, but that is for later. So anyway this guy, whose mom was a nurse ironically, would just geek out being around funeral homes, grave yards and hospitals. I mean this guy could spot an ambulance a mile way. I have no idea where this comes from but it has always freaked him out ever since we were little.

Back to this particular night, we are at this party and he is acting a bit odd but hell I just thought his sack dropped and he finally hit puberty. But as the course of the night went on he keeps finding me and telling me that he feels weird and that we need to go. So I tell him to haul ass, he didn’t need my permission to take off, which was always followed by calling him a light weight or something like that. Yeah, I am a dick. So after a couple of hours of this he finds me again and tells me that we need to go. Of course I can’t be nice and concerned about my friend so I ask him, “what’s this “we” you speak of white man?” and tell him that I was fine just where I was. Around this time he pulls me away from who ever I was talking to and hands me his keys and says, “Take me to the hospital, I am freaking out”. Now he has my attention for two reasons. One, as I mentioned the whole freaking out about hospitals thing and two, he NEVER lets anyone drive his car.

As we are walking towards his car this girl that he has been sort of seeing yells for us to wait up and ask where we are going. My friend, not wanting to make himself look like a major pussy, says that we were just going to go for a ride and that he wanted to show me something that he did to his car. Nice job McFly, thinking fast on your feet. *BOOM* did you hear that? Yeah, that was the sound of his plan backfiring. She wants to go with us. You have heard of non-verbal communication before right? Well his face screamed “oh fuck” if there ever was an “oh fuck” face. I tried to interject and tell her that we would be right back but she still wanted to go. Sorry fuckface, I tried. So he quietly ask for his keys back and sort of shuffles to his car. Now I am torn, while I am a bit concerned about my fried and his safety/health, the thought of watching him suffer through trying to not geek out in front of some chick he was trying to nail was going to be to much to pass up. “Shotgun” I called but was rejected because of that damn Y chromosome. Fine with me, the cooler is in the back anyway. So we are on our little trip down a very dark country road when all of the sudden in one swooping move lasting about a split second, my buddy throws the car into neutral, jerks up the parking brake, opens the door and bails out like a fucking paratrooper while the car is still moving. HOLY SHIT! What the fuck was that all about? Where the hell did he go?! All of that went though my mind in about one millisecond. Oh the chick, she was just screaming her ass off. So there I am steering this car from the back seat wedged between the front seats with this bitch piercing my ear drums with one long continues note.

Finally after what seemed like 20 miles the car stops and I figure out how to let myself out of this two door car from the backseat, oh and the girl, still screaming. About the time that I finally get out of the car, my buddy comes walking up like it was nothing. So I ask the fall guy, “dude, what the fuck was that all about” and he calmly replies, “oh nothing, I thought that I felt a bug on my arm”. You go airborne ranger out of a car on me while doing 40 miles an hour when I am in the back seat and it’s “nothing”. If ole Janet Leigh back there hadn’t given me a migraine I would kick the crap out of you here and now. Get you monkey ass back in that car now. No sooner had he got back in the car and started turn the key had he flinched and jumped out again. Come to fine out, it was the air conditioning blowing the hair on his arm that he was feeling. Ok numbnuts, time for a new driver. Of course instead of his buddy who he had known for almost his entire life, he ask this squish to drive. Fine, the cooler is still back here even if the beer is a bit shaken up after that little Robbie Knievel stunt back there, plus it’s your interior so what do I care if I spill a little beer.

During the course of this little road trip he cleverly gives her directions back towards town. What he also did was start to relax a little bit which in turn caused him to fuck up his cool. You see, since he started to relax, he forgot that the girl didn’t know he was freaking out.

As we are getting closer to the hospital I notice that every so often my friend would spastically change the radio station. We would be listening to one station and then as one song would end he would franticly start hitting the seek button, finally settling on a station. Then he leans back, exhales a big breath and I see him start to tap his foot. After this series of events happened a couple of times I asked him, “Dude!” (giving the WTF look) and he looks back at me with this crazy face. “What’s with you freaking out on the radio” and he says, “I have to keep finding a station that has a song playing”. To which I asked, “Why?” and he tells me that he has to tap his foot to the beat of the music to keep his heart beating and that every time that the DJ would talk or if they played a commercial he would loose the rhythm and he might die.

This would be the exact moment when the girl looks over at him, much like Stiffler from the “American Pie” movies, and says, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

I almost flooded his car with urine as I was laughing so hard.

Now he has to explain the whole thing to her and somehow save face with her. Not only did he pull this off, he managed to talk her into circling the hospital for at least a half hour. I finally told them that I had had enough of this bullshit and that they needed to take me back to my car or find someone to buy us more beer. Fortunately, the girl felt the same way, well about the having enough of this bullshit part and decides to drive back to the party, have her girlfriend follow her to his house so that she could drop him off and then they would go home too. Good times!

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/18/08

Would you rather

be able to stop time while you slept

-OR-

never need to do laundry?


I would like to be able to stop time while I slept. It is a double edge sword because the bad crap will not pass by as I slept but I would be able to enjoy more of my children growing up.

Don't get dead

Getting ready for the feast

Over the weekend I fired up the ole smoker and hooked up some pretty tasty ribs, if I do say so myself. And I am getting ready to smoke the birds for Thanksgiving, checking out different things people use when smoking turkeys. And if that wasn’t enough to get one in the mood for a feast, the episode of Iron Chef American was things that would have been around for the first Thanksgiving Day feast.

So that got me to thinking about some of the things that might have been over heard at the first Thanksgiving Day feast and here is a list of them!

- When can we take these stupid fucking hats off?
- I can’t wait for someone to invent football!
- Hey, don’t get your wigwam in a twist, I’m just saying…
- Holy shit, that’s a lot of injuns!
- Nice tomahawk work there Johnny RedClaw, where did you learn how to do that? What, scalping? Oh, let me go see what the children are doing…
- In many moons from now, some guy called a redneck will take the extract from these peanuts and heat it up and then drop one of these fine birds in it and people will rave over it.
- What the F is tryptophan?
- What are these carbs that you speak of?
- What’s in this pipe again?
- Dude! Enough with the damn drums, I got a head ache and Tylenol has not been invented yet!
- Say squaw, you want to suck on my piece pipe? I would damn sure give thanks!
- Hey, I got an idea! Let’s build these things called floats and go up to a place called New York and walk with them in a line! No? Well I bet it catches on in a couple of hundred years.
- Guy 1 – Do you think these are Navajos? Guy 2 – Nah, they are just regular hoes.


Just an idea, what do you think?

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/17/08

Would you rather

be mechanically induced to scream at the top of your lungs for an hour

-OR-

have your eyes glued shut for a day?



Again, EASY. I would take the eyes glued shut. Hell, I would welcome it. That would be a day that I got to sleep all day, hell yeah. Talk about making up for lost time. I would see if I could get my wife to drive me to a hotel, check in, rip the phone out of the wall and off to dream land I go!

Don’t get dead

It is to laugh

Traffic fatalities have got to be about to go up. Why? Because of this new car rim. You see in this world of “look at me” minded people who are already preoccupied with their cell phones while driving, this mobile distraction called the “Pimpstar”, is going to really jack up the fatality rates.



I would guess that they are going to jack up auto theft totals as well.

I don’t dislike the rims, I just know that the legions of mindless goobs that freely roam the highways and who aren’t bright enough to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around them are not going to pay attention to the small things like, oh I don’t know, other cars on the road, red lights and things like that. I mean I see accidents where phones are to blame all the time around here.

And you thought those stupid-ass spinners where bad.

So ladies and gentlemen, buckle up and this time I mean it...

Don’t get dead!

Dear Sweezey - Crazy Weather

Dear Sweezey,

You know you live in Texas when its warm one day and cold the next. Brrr, it was a chilly this morning. Had to turn on the oven to warm up the place. Thinking of lighting the pilot on the furnace. Is it too early? Or should I tough it out? The extended forecast shows a few cooler nights.

Thanks,

Winter Wonderer


Dear Winter Wonderer,

Have you read my Dear Sweezey post before? You really came to me with a weather question? Ok, here is what I think you should do, you should not light the pilot on the furnace until June or July. Oh and another thing that you should do is to open all of the windows in your house, especially at night. And then you should go get a cold bath late at night and then don’t dry off and go right to bed. But don’t dry off and sleep on top of the covers.

Look jackass, its NOVEMBER, if someone has to tell you to turn on the heat when it is cold out, you deserve anything you get. How stupid are you? Do people have to tell you to wipe after you have crapped? Do you need some strangers’ advice on eating when you are hungry? Why do you need someone to tell you to light the pilot on your heater when it is cold? I mean, the economy is not the best right now but how much are we talking about spending? Probably less than a dollar a month.

- Sweezey

Don't get dead

Finish the sentence for 11/16/08

If I could go back in time and change one thing, I would go back and change…


I have often thought about this one and I thought that if I could go back and change one thing that I would keep JFK from getting shot. I have often wondered how the US, and the world for that matter, would be different if he didn’t get shot.

A very close second would be to stop 9/11 from happening.

Don't get, well, you know

Zobmondo Question for 11/16/08

Would you rather

down a 50 foot razor blade into a vat of alcohol

-OR-

suck all the snot out of a dog's nose until its head caves in?



Yeah, got to go with the razor blade I guess, maybe I could slide down on some of my fat and it would lop it right off. I have seen what dogs lick so the thought of sucking on their mucus is rather revolting.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/15/08

Would you rather

have 15 nails hammered into your tongue

-OR-

have your saliva permanently transmuted to urine?


Got to go with the nails on this one. I guess I could at least pull them out, but urine, oh hell no.

Don't get dead

I over married

I always knew my wife was smart, way smarter that me, which is one of the things that initially attracted me to her and still does. But I had no idea how much smarter than me she was when we first started dating and got married.

You see we were talking at work earlier about holiday traditions. Well that conversation morphed into gift giving. I happened to mention that when my wife and I first got married she was giving me killer gifts. The first year that we were married she gave me an air compressor and a nail gun.

Now I am a bit of tool nerd so I was on cloud nine. There I am thinking that my wife is the crème de la crème of wives because she bought me tools.

What she did was set my ass up.

You see our conversation right after I opened these gifts went a little something like this.

Me – Wow, this is awesome! Thank you so much! I love it.
Her – Really?
Me – Hell yeah, it rules.
Her – Are you sure? If there is a different one that you would rather have we can exchange it.
Me – Oh no, this one rules.
Her – Oh good, I was afraid that you wouldn’t like it.
Me – (while pretend nailing things) No way, this is perfect
Her – Good, so do you think you could put up some crown molding with it in our master bathroom?

And that’s when I realized that I am just my wife’s puppet. She Jedi mind tricks me to doing stuff that I had no intentions of doing. Here I am thinking she just gave me a cool gift when in reality she was just planting the home improvement seed.

She still mind tricks me to this day. We can be lying in bed and she will say, “is it warm in here or is it just me?” and without saying another word I will get up, walk over to the wall and turn the fan on. I wasn’t warm or anything, hell, I was just about asleep.

Now I look back and wonder what my life would have been like if I was attracted to dumb chicks.

Don’t get dead

Birthdays

Tomorrow is the birthday of one of my children. And in this family we have this really weird/odd thing that happens with birthdays. Most of them are either on a holiday/special day or another family member’s birthday.

For example, my birthday is on/around Memorial Day, my wife’s birthday is a few days after Christmas and if that wasn’t weird enough she shares it with one of her sister’s. And no they are not twins. They are three years apart actually. One of my children shares a birthday with my wife’s other sister. My mother-in-law’s birthday is birthday is very near Halloween and my father-in-laws birthday is close to Christmas as well. One of my nephews birthday is on Valentines Day. So it’s always some neat little affiliation with each birthday.

But my child whose birthday is tomorrow shares it with my mom. But you see my mom passed away eight years ago from cancer, so it’s always a bitter-sweet day. I mean I love my children more than I could ever express and I love my mom too, but it makes me a bit sad because my mom never got to meet my children.

So if I am unable to bring the funny over the weekend that is the reason. But I will try.

I have no idea why I am writing this, just something that I felt I needed to do. Hope I didn’t bum everyone out.

But on a side note, I really do appreciate everyone who reads it and comments on it. And I thank you.

Finish the sentence for 11/14/08

Every time that I want some loving, I know that I am going to have to …


For me, I know that it starts with going to the ATM... JOKE.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/14/08

Would you rather

have someone call you by the wrong name for a year

-OR-

be interrupted every time you started to speak for a year?


It would have to be the wrong name for me, the interrupting thing makes me mental.

Don’t get dead

Finish the sentence

It’s not a good party unless…


For me, it's not a good party unless I get to see some boobs. But that's me, your answer might be a bit more socially acceptable. So what is it that makes a good party for you?

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Questions for 11/13/2008

Would you rather

step in dog feces every day for a month

-OR-

have your phone randomly disconnect during calls for a month?

Again, an easy choice for me, I would take the phone one. I absolutely detest lengthy pointless phone calls. So if my call got cut short that might actually be a blessing. Plus dog crap is just nasty.

Don't get dead

I am so freaking weird

While surfing today I came across one of those sites where people post their secrets. A lot of it was the same stuff, I don’t really love my spouse, I drink so that I can deal with my home life, I don’t think that I will ever find true love, blah, blah, fucking blah.

But every now and then I came across some that were good. One girl wasn’t ready to have sex with her boyfriend because she didn’t know how to tell him she had a penis. Yeah, that would be a tough one. Oh and one girl (I guess) said that they loved to wear gold lame pumps while taking a dump, that was… odd. One guy said, “I was so hot for a certain girl in high school.(40 years ago) I masturbated over her for years..I met her recently..it killed my fantasy..my weiner is sad now.” which was pretty funny. Oh, and then there was the one where someone thought that at one time Washington D.C. had two mayors, Mary and Berry (Marion Berry), dumbass.

But it’s the comments to the secrets that are the funniest. Take this one for example. “I kicked a retarded kid in the nads for no reason as a kid. He didn't tell on me, even though he was smart enough to. He never told a soul and neither did I. I still admire him for it.” Ok, the secret is a little funny but only because it has the word “nads” in it. But check out these comments to it, “it takes a special type of person to commit acts such as kicking a retarded kid in the nuts. Really.”, “SOMEDAY HE MAY PUT A HATCHET IN YOUR FOREHEAD”, “You admire a retarded kid for not dropping dime on you for assaulting him? You are a pussy in it's truest form.” and “He is not all that stupid...he is smiling at you as he divises his plan to get you cornered, alone somewhere, and he charges at you wearing a hockey mask and weilding a chain saw. (all he has to do is figure out how to start the damn thing.) Biding his time...pay back is a bitch...he knows to keep his friends close, and his enemies even closer until the time comes for revenge...sleep well mr. nutkicker...sleep well...booo haa haaa haaaaaa!”

But that one that started me cracking up was this secret where someone said, “I love to sit on the toilet and hum the theme to “Bonanza”.” Now if that wasn’t bad enough someone added a comment to it which read, “I pretend to be James Woods in Scary Movie 2 and scream out “unleash the deamons from Hell””. That visual started me laughing out loud.

I swear my co-workers must think I am on drugs or something.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/12/08

Would you rather

run across a large vacant field containing 1,000 angry rattlesnakes

-OR-

three land mines?



Easy one again, I will take the snakes please. The reason, once I get going all you are going to see is asshole and elbows. And I am not sure that snakes can hit a moving target. Plus you know how they say that when your adrenaline gets flowing that you can do superhuman things? Well I bet that I could get across that field in about three steps! Michael Johnson and Carl Lewis wouldn't stand a chance.

Don't get dead

Veterans Day

Just a quick note to say thank you and god bless to each and every member of the armed forces, both active and inactive. I for one and very proud of you and support you 100%.

Thank you

Winter

Today I read a blog from Krissyface where she mentioned that Starbucks had put their holiday cups into rotation. And it got me kind of pumped up for the holiday season. I have and always will love the holiday season. I think it is because I value family so much. I love getting together with everyone, right up until the first argument breaks out. Oh and not to mention that there is football and hockey being played right now. Plus I love to sit outside and enjoy a nice toasty fire.

The funny thing about me loving the holiday season is that I hate the cold. Well, maybe hate is a bit strong of a word but I do strongly prefer the warm weather. And for a host of reasons, the beach is out when it’s cold, it’s dark all the damn time, I wont even get into the people here in the south freaking out with the mention of ice or snow and it is simply wrong for my nipples to get that hard and nothing happen. And people have always said to me that you could put on more clothes and stay warm but you can only take off so many clothes and you could still be hot. Well that is true, but the visual is a lot nicer in the warm weather and after a certain number of layers of clothing it’s a hell of a lot harder to move around.

But the worst thing about the cold is that it’s like a big joke from God. What do I mean by that? Well I am glad that you asked. Say that you wake up in the middle of the winter and you look out the window and you see a BEAUTIFUL day. The sun is shining, there is not a cloud in the sky and the wind is calm. Then you go outside and it’s so cold that your nuts draw up inside you and you start to shiver like a Chihuahua trying to shit out a peach seed. That sucks. What a screw job and a waste of a great day.

So to me, if it’s going to be cold, bring it! Bring the “damn, is this the end of the world” cold. Bring the ice and snow. Bring the you don’t give a shit what the forecast or temperature is because all that matters is that it’s fucking cold, cold. Bring the nobody is out of the streets cold, the weatherman is talking about the last time it was this cold/we had this much ice/snow cold. Bring the cabin fever cold. You know what I mean. Just don’t waste my nice days during the time of year that I can’t enjoy them.

Give me winter weather so nasty that I walk to my front door, look out the window at the mailbox and say “fuck that” and then turn around and go back to sports center. In short, if it is too cold to play golf give me ice and snow.

With all of that being said, I still love the holidays!

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/11/08

Would you rather

be kicked in the crotch first thing every morning

-OR-

drive a car where the horn blows randomly?


As much as I hate being in traffic, I think that I would have to go with the random blowing car horn. Actually, I know I would. And I would drive where everyone could see both of my hands and make them wonder what was blowing the horn. Hell yeah.

Sorry I haven't been as active as I would like lately, just been real busy. But I will see if I can make up for it. And if you like these questions, I have some pretty decent older ones. Just click on the Zobmodo label at the bottom of the post to bring them all up.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/10/08

Would you rather

receive a backhanded compliment from your boss every day for a year

-OR-

have at least one of your neighbors critique your clothing every time you left the house for a year?


For me, it would be the clothing. Because I need a job, haha. And who knows, I might slip up and wear something that looks halfway decent!

Zobmondo Question for 11/9/08

Would you rather

bite the curb and get kicked in the back of the head

-OR-

get a paper cut on your eyeball?



Sadly, I would pick biting the curb. With the advances in modern dentistry I could come out of that looking even more handsome than I already am. Plus, how in the hell would you explain a paper cut on your eyeball, ON YOUR FREAKING EYEBALL!

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/8/08

Would you rather

have an itch that you couldn’t reach to scratch for five days straight

-OR-

smell something foul everywhere you went for a week?




I think for me it would be the smell thing. I could get used to a smell, even a bad one, after a while but not being able to scratch an itch my really get to me.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/7/08

Since it is Friday, let’s step up the Zobmondo questions a bit.

Would you rather

have your lover head-butt you every time they reached orgasm

-OR-

have your lover break wind every time they reached orgasm?

And yes, they do call me Mr. Romance! :)

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/6/08

I know it has been gone for a while now, but it is back. At least for a little while.

In case you don’t know, Zobmondo is the “would you rather” game where you HAVE to pick one of the two choices. So here is the question for today. We will start off with a tame one.

Would you rather

wear the same pair of underwear every day for a year

-OR-

wear your shoes on the wrong feet for a year?

For me this is an easy one, but I would like to hear what some of you have to say first. So let me know.

Don’t get dead

Election observation

Like many of you, I was watching the election coverage on television. And we were switching channels every so often to get the different views/slants and to see who was reporting what when I began to feel sorry for some people. But not the ones you might think.

The people who I feel sorry for are the deaf, color blind people who really love politics. Those multi-color maps have got to be frustrating as hell for them.

Just a thought.

Don’t get dead

Election

Just as an FYI, EVERY election is historic. I understand that regardless of which party wins it's a first but if it was all a bunch of white guys it would still be a historic election.

Don’t get dead

Who would play me?

I sometimes think up movie ideas that I would like to see and, no, they are not all porn movies. I said not ALL of them are porn, get off my back. Anyway, I won’t go into a lot of detail about all of them but I have been thinking about one, the movie of my life.

So I was thinking if I was the casting director for the movie of my life, who would I get (living or dead) to play the various cast members. Of course I would like to say that Brad Pitt or someone like that was going to play the part of me but I am trying to be realistic. You know, like how Tina Fey would play Sarah Palin. Willem Dafoe would have to play Josh Todd if they ever made a movie about the band Buckcherry and so on.

This part might be tough, the cast members who would play various people who have interaction in my life. My friend Kevin, he would probably be played by Sean William Scott. My buddy Jason, he would have to be maybe Nick Cage if he grew his hair out a bit. Who else, let’s see, one of my other friends named Jason (you know who you are Capt. Dirty Balls) has to be Donald Faison, not sure who is wife would be yet, possibly a young Grace Jones. Winters, oh god, he would have to be played by Johnny Knoxville. Jose would be played by Jorge Garcia. James would be a young George Carlin. One couple of our friends would have to be played by Ray Romano his wife would be played by Sandra Oh. Another couple that we know would have the husband played by Chris Farley and his wife would probably be played by Anna Nicole Smith. And I could go on and on, but I don’t think that I would cast every single person who I have interacted with in my life. The above are just some of the more important ones.

Then there are my in-laws, now this is going to be tricky. I think one of my sister-in-laws would have to be played by Jessica Simpson. And the other one would have to be played by Gwyneth Paltrow or Blake Lively. I think my brother-in-law would probably be played by Hugh Jackman and my future brother-in-law would be played by Jake Gyllenhaal? My father-in-law would have to be played by Robert De Niro and my mother-in-law would have to be Diane Keaton.

My dad would be played by John Goodman. Now my brother, that is going to be a tough one, maybe Brad Garret. I may have to re-think that one. My mom, oh man, who could play mom, maybe Paula Dean but not nearly as fat or as “Southern” and a little taller. I think one of my grandmothers (mom’s mom) would have to be Estelle Getty. My grandfather (mom’s dad) just might have to be Tommy Lee Jones. My dad’s dad would have to be played by Danny De Vito. I never knew my dad’s mother, she died when I was 3, but she looked a lot like Marilyn Monroe, but that could be because of the hairstyles of the time.

My wife would have to be Molly Ringwald. And as for me, I was thinking that the current me would be played by Kelsey Grammer, the “Cheers” years. Maybe the younger me would be played by Jack Black. Yeah, kind of an odd couple to play the same person.

What an F’ed up cast.

So to complicate things even more and because music has always been a very large part of my life, I would have to have a sound track. Each of these songs has some sort of meaning to a particular point in my life. Some good, some not so good but each of them reminds me of a time in my life so I thought that I would include them. So on my soundtrack would include the following:

Sweet Home Alabama – Lynyrd Skynyrd
Panama – Van Halen
Tiny Dancer – Tim McGraw
Home – Michael Buble
Summer Nights – Van Halen
Jolly Mon – Jimmy Buffet
Feeling Good – Michael Buble
What a Beautiful World – Louis Armstrong
Girls, Girls, Girls – Motley Crue
Mas Tequila – Sammy Hagar
Cats in the Cradle – Harry Chapin
How Do You Like Me Now – Toby Keith
Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks
Born To Raise Hell – Motorhead
God Bless the USA – Lee Greenwood
The Way You Look Tonight – Harry Connick Jr
Seven Bridges Road – The Eagles


Again a cluster F of a soundtrack.

And just for the heck of it, if there was a sequel, this might be on that soundtrack.

Mista Bone – Great White
Hold On Loosely - .38 Special
Already Gone – The Eagles
Rock-n-Roll All Night – KISS
Straight to Hell – Drivin N’ Cryin
Remedy – The Black Crows
Welcome To the Terrordome – Public Enemy
Take It Back – Pink Floyd
Pinball Wizard – The Who
More Human than Human – White Zombie
Another Brick in the Wall – Pink Floyd
Boogie Shoes – K.C. and the Sunshine Band
Sex Bomb – Tom Jones (haha!)
Calling All Angels – Train
Born To Boogie – Hank Williams Jr.
Wild Child – W.A.S.P.
Mental Health – Quiet Riot
We’re Not Gonna Take It – Twisted Sister
Rock You Like A Hurricane – The Scorpions
Whipeout – The Ventures

With all of this being said who would be in the cast of a movie about your life? And that movie had a soundtrack, what would be on it?

Don’t get dead