Well no kidding! The article states “Wearing high heels may be hard on a woman's feet and back, but it also strengthens the pelvic floor resulting in a healthier sex life, according to a new study from Italy.
The researchers analyzed 66 women under the age of 50 before coming to the conclusion, according to a report from ExpressIndia.com.
They found that those who held their foot at a 15-degree angle had less electrical activity in the pelvic muscles, an essential component of female body.
“Women often have difficulty in carrying out the right exercises for the pelvic zone and wearing heels could be the solution. It’s good to know they have potential health benefits,” lead researcher Dr. Maria Cerruto is quoted as saying.”
Apparently Dr. Maria Cerruto either lives in a cave or is a complete moron. How do you get through eight years of college and be this clueless?
I am no scientist but I know that there are two kinds of shoes in the world for women, comfortable and sexy. That’s it. It’s not hard to figure out. And I doubt highly that the two mix. Never have ever looked at a girl and thought “Damn those clogs are sexy as hell, I wonder if she is wearing a thong?” I really think we need to find out more about this “Dr.” Do you think she is going to come out with a study that says women who shower on a regular basis have a better sex life too? Or maybe a study on people who wear sunglasses can see better on sunny days or something like that.
She must be butch or something.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
May the force be with you and also with you
First John the Baptist did it, then Martin Luther did it, even Deion Sanders and L. Ron Hubbard have done it. Now the Jedis have done it. They have created their own church.
Yeah, I laughed too.
Seriously though, they did. Now there is one in Beaumont Texas and some people want to open one in the UK. I won’t bore you with all of the details but the bulk of the story is there are two brothers, Barney, 26 - or Master Jonba Hehol - and Daniel, 21 - Master Morda Hehol – who head the UK Church of the Jedi. They say their services will include sermons on "the Force," light sabre training, and meditation techniques (Jedi mind trick?).
When asked about the services Barney said: "My brother and I will wear the Jedi robes, the dark brown robes... the congregation would be in black. Really to bring a sense of unity to the meetings."
Although the current members are all men, women are not excluded, as Barney Jones points out: "Princess Leia helped them out a lot." Hmm, no girls, I wonder why? *cough*nerds*cough*
However, any congregation member drawn to the dark side (you got to be kidding me) of the Force, embodied in the film by Darth Vader, would be advised they are following the wrong path and could face expulsion.
Barney explained: "Obviously, if someone starts to try and use the good force for greed and power, they are going to bring negative interference into the meetings.
"We cannot have the Force disrupted by negative interference."
Kind of makes you want to bitch slap them huh. You can read the full story here http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/7200531.stm
So then there is this church in Beaumont. One of the first things that you see on their site is “Become a Jedi; a real Jedi. We are not fictional Jedi from the wonderful Star Wars movies, neither are we role playing; we are the Real Jedi Religion in this Galaxy in this Multiverse.” Well thank god (or Yoda, whatver) they are the real deal, I would hate to think I was going to join a church that had “fictional Jedi” or had people “role playing”. My mind is at ease now.
Then it goes on to say “One may become a Jedi Knight; actually a Knight of Jediism. This is a serious commitment.” Yeah, no playing around at the church based on a Science Fiction movie. “A Knight of the Temple of the Jedi Order has the highest standards as a guardian of Peace, Justice and above all Compassion. Jedi are united in discovering the nature of The Living Force Of Creation and using our powers for the good of humanity and to improve ourselves.”
“A member may request a Ministers License and then legally conduct marriages and other religious ceremonies.” Oh please God (or Obi One Kenobi) please let that part be a joke. “The Temple has acertification program and gives credit for prior learning and on the job experience.” Say what? “We certify that you have completed a
course of training and / or have the knowledge to be a Minister of The Force. This is also known as Jedi Clergy and Jedi Minister.”
“This is not a click and be instantly ordained minister's license.” Yeah, remember this is serious stuff, take it seriously or they will feed you to Jabba the Hut! “There is no charge - ever. Money should never be a barrier to one called to the ministry. We exist through the donations of others in time, work and money.”
Don’t forget to learn the “Jedi Creed” that is listed on the site, which has a footnote that it is a direct adaptation from the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi. Unoriginal bastards.
And like every other serious church, don’t forget to check out their “Temple Store” where you can purchase religious items such as t-shirts, coffee mugs, mouse pads, drink coasters, baseball caps, tote bags, magnets, stickers, buttons, and of course your Jedi Journal.
Still want more? Be sure to check out their blogs, forums, and chat room. Check it out for yourself at http://www.templeofthejediorder.org/
There is also another site called http://www.jedichurch.com/ if you just can’t get enough to satisfy your Jedi Church fix.
So of course I have questions, like who do they pray too? Yoda? Darth Vader? Obi One Kenobi? Luke Skywalker? Wasn’t he a Jedi? So who is the highest Jedi? I guess it would be Yoda, and all of the other guys are disciples? Or would they be saints?
I bet some of those confessions would be mofos. "*Heavy Darth Vader breathing* Master, I have sinned. I used my powers to create an evil empire so that I could take over the universe." Voice on other side of the confessional "Oh son of mine, prayer say you must and do it again not. Thirteen Hail Leias say you must. In peace go and remember father of yours I am.
Do you think that they would use the mind trick on Bingo nights? "B12....gggaahhh... I mean O14, sorry Lord Vader"
Think that they would use Ewoks as alter boys? Or have R2D2 & C3PO in the front of the church handing out bulletins and signing people up for a pancake breakfast?
I think the most important factor in if I would join the church or not would be if they could they teach me the mind Jedi trick? If they can do that, I am so in. Otherwise I might have to think about it for a bit.
Yeah, I laughed too.
Seriously though, they did. Now there is one in Beaumont Texas and some people want to open one in the UK. I won’t bore you with all of the details but the bulk of the story is there are two brothers, Barney, 26 - or Master Jonba Hehol - and Daniel, 21 - Master Morda Hehol – who head the UK Church of the Jedi. They say their services will include sermons on "the Force," light sabre training, and meditation techniques (Jedi mind trick?).
When asked about the services Barney said: "My brother and I will wear the Jedi robes, the dark brown robes... the congregation would be in black. Really to bring a sense of unity to the meetings."
Although the current members are all men, women are not excluded, as Barney Jones points out: "Princess Leia helped them out a lot." Hmm, no girls, I wonder why? *cough*nerds*cough*
However, any congregation member drawn to the dark side (you got to be kidding me) of the Force, embodied in the film by Darth Vader, would be advised they are following the wrong path and could face expulsion.
Barney explained: "Obviously, if someone starts to try and use the good force for greed and power, they are going to bring negative interference into the meetings.
"We cannot have the Force disrupted by negative interference."
Kind of makes you want to bitch slap them huh. You can read the full story here http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/7200531.stm
So then there is this church in Beaumont. One of the first things that you see on their site is “Become a Jedi; a real Jedi. We are not fictional Jedi from the wonderful Star Wars movies, neither are we role playing; we are the Real Jedi Religion in this Galaxy in this Multiverse.” Well thank god (or Yoda, whatver) they are the real deal, I would hate to think I was going to join a church that had “fictional Jedi” or had people “role playing”. My mind is at ease now.
Then it goes on to say “One may become a Jedi Knight; actually a Knight of Jediism. This is a serious commitment.” Yeah, no playing around at the church based on a Science Fiction movie. “A Knight of the Temple of the Jedi Order has the highest standards as a guardian of Peace, Justice and above all Compassion. Jedi are united in discovering the nature of The Living Force Of Creation and using our powers for the good of humanity and to improve ourselves.”
“A member may request a Ministers License and then legally conduct marriages and other religious ceremonies.” Oh please God (or Obi One Kenobi) please let that part be a joke. “The Temple has acertification program and gives credit for prior learning and on the job experience.” Say what? “We certify that you have completed a
course of training and / or have the knowledge to be a Minister of The Force. This is also known as Jedi Clergy and Jedi Minister.”
“This is not a click and be instantly ordained minister's license.” Yeah, remember this is serious stuff, take it seriously or they will feed you to Jabba the Hut! “There is no charge - ever. Money should never be a barrier to one called to the ministry. We exist through the donations of others in time, work and money.”
Don’t forget to learn the “Jedi Creed” that is listed on the site, which has a footnote that it is a direct adaptation from the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi. Unoriginal bastards.
And like every other serious church, don’t forget to check out their “Temple Store” where you can purchase religious items such as t-shirts, coffee mugs, mouse pads, drink coasters, baseball caps, tote bags, magnets, stickers, buttons, and of course your Jedi Journal.
Still want more? Be sure to check out their blogs, forums, and chat room. Check it out for yourself at http://www.templeofthejediorder.org/
There is also another site called http://www.jedichurch.com/ if you just can’t get enough to satisfy your Jedi Church fix.
So of course I have questions, like who do they pray too? Yoda? Darth Vader? Obi One Kenobi? Luke Skywalker? Wasn’t he a Jedi? So who is the highest Jedi? I guess it would be Yoda, and all of the other guys are disciples? Or would they be saints?
I bet some of those confessions would be mofos. "*Heavy Darth Vader breathing* Master, I have sinned. I used my powers to create an evil empire so that I could take over the universe." Voice on other side of the confessional "Oh son of mine, prayer say you must and do it again not. Thirteen Hail Leias say you must. In peace go and remember father of yours I am.
Do you think that they would use the mind trick on Bingo nights? "B12....gggaahhh... I mean O14, sorry Lord Vader"
Think that they would use Ewoks as alter boys? Or have R2D2 & C3PO in the front of the church handing out bulletins and signing people up for a pancake breakfast?
I think the most important factor in if I would join the church or not would be if they could they teach me the mind Jedi trick? If they can do that, I am so in. Otherwise I might have to think about it for a bit.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
News Article (not Heath Ledger related)
First off, why is this guys passing such a big deal? I had heard his name but had no idea who he was. I am sorry that this dude died but don't we have a lot more important things to report on right about now? Isn't there something sort of important coming up in November? Oh and don't we have a bunch of troops somewhere in a country about the size of California? And secondly, what kind of sickos gather together in large groups to take pictures of a body in a body bag being wheeled into a coroners van? When I saw that I turned away, give the guy a little privacy/dignity would ya? Our socity is in pretty bad shape when we can't leave the dead alone. Celebrity or not, this guy have family and I don't think they would love to see this on every channel.
But anyway, this is not about that. This is about a different news article that I saw.
Cat stowaway makes it home again
PALM BEACH GARDENS, Fla. - Some kitty math: How many lives did little tabby Gracie Mae use up when she crawled into her owner's suitcase, went through an airport X-ray machine, got loaded onto a plane, thrown onto a baggage belt and mistakenly picked up by a stranger far from home?
"She's got to be at four or five now," Seth Levy said after his 10-month-old pet was returned Sunday night by a kind stranger who went home to Fort Worth, Texas, with the wrong bag and Gracie inside to boot.
The last time Levy's wife, Kelly, saw Gracie was before she took her husband to the airport. The 24-year-old went back to her house in Palm Beach Gardens late Friday to find the bottom step, where Gracie would usually be waiting, empty.
She tore the house apart looking for the cat, who had been spayed just days before. She and her dad took out bathroom tiles and part of a cabinet to check a crawl space and papered the neighborhood with "lost cat" signs.
Then she got a phone call.
"Hi, you're not going to believe this, but I am calling from Fort Worth, Texas, and I accidentally picked up your husband's luggage. And when I opened the luggage, a cat jumped out," Kelly Levy quoted the caller saying.
Rob Carter said he made it home with the suitcase before realizing it wasn't his — and there was a big surprise inside.
"I went to unpack and saw some of the clothes and saw it wasn't my suitcase," he said. "I was going to close it, and a kitten jumped out and ran under the bed. I screamed like a little girl."
Carter said that he eventually was able to get the cat to come out from under the bed.
"In the morning, I got close enough to see its collar and the phone number on it," he said. "So I called the number and got a hold of the crying wife of the traveler."
The tabby made the 1,300-mile trip home on an $80 plane ticket. Carter said he considered keeping the cat before he knew she had a home.
"We were going to name it Suitcase," he said
So I have a question about this and I will try to keep it brief. What kind of demented F checks his cat? EVERYONE knows that cats are carry on!
But seriously, how do you now know there is a living animal in your suitcase? While we are at it, how did this not get noticed by the owner, the skycap, the desk agent, the luggage handlers or anyone else? You mean to tell me that a 10 month old kitten who just had surgery days before isn't going to be raising some holy hell zipped up in a suitcase? I call BS all over this story.
Dude I had a cat once … once. And it would not shut up if it didn't get its way, so you mean to tell me that this cat didn't make any noise? All the way to the airport, while being tagged, taken back or while being loaded onto the plane this cat didn't make a peep? Or even move for that matter? Put a cat in one of those carrier things, you would think the carrier was alive or possessed, hell I had one shoot out of my hand with a cat in it once. Come on, I don't buy this.
My bucket list, or at least a first attmept at it
I thought it would be interesting to do and see if I could come up with 100 things that I would like to do before I step out in front of the big bus. I decided on 100 because that is what my co-worker did, the little over achiever that is. So you can tell in some places where I was reaching just a bit or trying to fill slots. None the less, enjoy. And let me know what you think or what you would put on your list.
1. Visit all 50 states. Stay at least over night.
2. Visit all of the continents. Stay at least over night, see more than a resort, eat local cuisine.
3. Shoot a hole-in-one
4. Shoot a round under par
5. Read the bible cover to cover
6. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef
7. Visit the Equator
8. Cross the International Date Line by water
9. Write a book
10. Write a movie
11. Learn to play well enough to write and record my own music
12. Have dinner with Sammy Hagar in Cabo!
13. Build a home myself
14. Open a restaurant
15. Open a studio/gallery
16. Catch a shark (Actually land the fish)
17. Visit the Holy land
18. Visit Russia, Italy, Poland, Greece, Spain, France, England, Ireland, Tahiti, Australia, & Scotland
19. Learn to fly a plane
20. Play Augusta National
21. Race in the Baja 1000
22. Learn to rock climb
23. Visit both the north and south poles
24. Start a company, more than small business
25. Play in a pro-am
26. Build the "Supertruck"
27. Visit all of the Major League Baseball parks, NFL Stadiums, & NHL Arenas
28. Put my kids through college
29. Run a marathon
30. Wind-surf
31. Surf the North Shore in Hawaii
32. Visit Mount Rushmore
33. Bench press 1.5 times my body weight
34. Play TPC Sawgrass
35. Go on a vacation with just my wife without her having any previous knowledge
36. Visit Vatican City
37. Drive on the Autobahn
38. Visit an active volcano
39. Visit Mt Everest, at least attempt to climb it
40. Go white water rafting
41. Visit Tequila Mexico, the mother land!
42. Visit Niagara Falls
43. Hike down to the floor of the Grand Canyon
44. Invent something
45. I wanted to fly on Concord but British Airways nixed that for me
46. Walk on the Great Wall of China
47. Visit the Himalayas
48. Camp in Yosemite & Yellowstone National Park/visit Ole' Faithful/See the redwood trees in Redwood National Park
49. Take a boat around the world
50. Learn to play the piano
51. Run for a political office
52. Attend a Superbowl
53. Attend the World Series
54. Attend the Stanley Cup Finals
55. Attend Wimbledon
56. Attend the Masters
57. Attend the U.S. Open (hook me up Brandon)
58. Kiss the Blarney Stone
59. Tour the Louvre
60. Go to the top of the Statue of Liberty
61. Go on an African Safari
62. Drive Route 66
63. Speak and write a foreign language fluently
64. Visit the Bermuda Triangle
65. Own a fully automatic machine gun
66. Go to Q school
67. Anomalously pay off something for a stranger
68. Get in shape too and compete in a triathlon
69. Go on tour
70. Fly with the Blue Angels
71. Become a chef
72. Float in the Dead Sea
73. Attend the Kentucky Derby (Ahmm Leigh Ann, I am photographing your wedding after all ?)
74. Go to an NCAA Championship Game (football)
75. Dive a shipwreck
76. Sell a photo to a national magazine
77. Attend a Hollywood Movie Premier/Walk down the red carpet
78. Stay in the Stanley Hotel (where "The Shining" was filmed)
79. Attend Carnival in Rio
80. Run with the Bulls
81. Visit the pyramids
82. Ride a camel
83. Ski the Alps
84. Interview someone that interest me
85. Own a Lamborghini
86. Own a jet
87. Own a yacht
88. Play golf in Scotland
89. Go on a hot air balloon ride
90. Own a hot rod shop
91. Repel down a building
92. Design and build my dream home
93. Start a charity
94. Scuba dive in every ocean and sea
95. Visit Amish country
96. Shoot a Robin Hood (one arrow into another)
97. Write a report/article that gets published
98. See the Northern Lights
99. Play Tennis well enough to compete
100. Cave exploring
Bucket List
I was shooting the breeze with some co-workers today and got on the subject oh weekend plans. One of my co-workers said that they wanted to see the movie "Bucket List" and wanted to know if it had come out yet. Shortly the conversation turned to who had a bucket list and what was on it. I have never done one but it might be interesting. So who out there has a bucket list? What is on yours? Let me know, I may want to steal your idea(s). I am going to see what I can come up with.
I dunno, maybe it’s me
The Ft. Worth Stock Show & Rodeo is going on right now. Which is ok I guess, but I just don't get what the big deal is. Some people are getting WAY too excited about it. I am sure there are all kinds of things to do, I know they have a rodeo and a livestock show, probably tons of junk you can buy, various shows I would guess, but one thing I heard about sparked my attention. They are having a Celebrity Goat Milking Contest followed by Goat Creative Costume Contest… I shit you not. You can milk a goat? How? Why? Where??!! And just what "Celebrities" are doing this? And then you have a goat costume contest, what kind of sick fucks are dressing up goats? GOATS?! How do you even organize that? I would love to over hear one of those conversations. "Say Bob, you ever think about dressing that goat up like a clown and seeing if people like it better than my goat dressed up as a fireman?" And where would you get a costume for a goat? Goats R Us?
And just what is a livestock show? Are their prizes for the biggest cow or something? Prettiest pig? I don't know, it could be my background but hell I am from Alabama, you would think I would be more "into" this sort of thing but I just don't get it.
I have been to car shows, I get that.
There are parades and this event, which last for over three weeks, draws huge crowds. How much cow and cow related crap can you have to stretch this out for three weeks?
But the thing that I find the most interesting is the rodeo that people make such a big deal about. I have never been to many rodeos so it is possible that I am missing the luster that makes this event so appealing to the masses. I do remember going to one once, as a child with my dad's parents. But then again, I did find out later that it was a prison rodeo which may have had an effect on my attraction to rodeos. Who the fuck takes their grandchild to a place infested with criminals as entertainment? But my childhood and family background is something for a therapist. Anyway, back to the rodeo. Some of it I could see how it could be interesting. Calf roping, that could be interesting. You would have to have some level of skill so I can see that I guess. I know there are some sort of horse races, okay I could maybe see that. But the thing I don't get is bull riding. Don't get me wrong, I get that it's a half ton pissed off animal, I got that part. What I don't get is why. Or even more so than that is how. Well not how so much but I guess what the big deal is. You win by hanging on. From what I hear that's it, just hanging on. You stay on for 8 seconds and you win or something. So why 8 seconds? Why not 10 minutes? That would be awesome to see.
And something else that I find interesting is what you win, a belt buckle that looks like one of those disposable roasting pans that you bake a turkey in. Pardon my French but fuck you! I risk being crippled or turned into human Swiss cheese and you give me a clothing accessory? Are rodeo people retarded or do they have A.D.D. or something and love shiny metal objects? I hope that I am wrong on all of this and there is some big cash prize or something because if they are doing all of this for a belt buckle alone they should not be allowed to freely roam in society. You know what, now that I think about it, maybe I will go watch the rodeo if it is just for a belt buckle.
And just what is a livestock show? Are their prizes for the biggest cow or something? Prettiest pig? I don't know, it could be my background but hell I am from Alabama, you would think I would be more "into" this sort of thing but I just don't get it.
I have been to car shows, I get that.
There are parades and this event, which last for over three weeks, draws huge crowds. How much cow and cow related crap can you have to stretch this out for three weeks?
But the thing that I find the most interesting is the rodeo that people make such a big deal about. I have never been to many rodeos so it is possible that I am missing the luster that makes this event so appealing to the masses. I do remember going to one once, as a child with my dad's parents. But then again, I did find out later that it was a prison rodeo which may have had an effect on my attraction to rodeos. Who the fuck takes their grandchild to a place infested with criminals as entertainment? But my childhood and family background is something for a therapist. Anyway, back to the rodeo. Some of it I could see how it could be interesting. Calf roping, that could be interesting. You would have to have some level of skill so I can see that I guess. I know there are some sort of horse races, okay I could maybe see that. But the thing I don't get is bull riding. Don't get me wrong, I get that it's a half ton pissed off animal, I got that part. What I don't get is why. Or even more so than that is how. Well not how so much but I guess what the big deal is. You win by hanging on. From what I hear that's it, just hanging on. You stay on for 8 seconds and you win or something. So why 8 seconds? Why not 10 minutes? That would be awesome to see.
And something else that I find interesting is what you win, a belt buckle that looks like one of those disposable roasting pans that you bake a turkey in. Pardon my French but fuck you! I risk being crippled or turned into human Swiss cheese and you give me a clothing accessory? Are rodeo people retarded or do they have A.D.D. or something and love shiny metal objects? I hope that I am wrong on all of this and there is some big cash prize or something because if they are doing all of this for a belt buckle alone they should not be allowed to freely roam in society. You know what, now that I think about it, maybe I will go watch the rodeo if it is just for a belt buckle.
Friday, January 11, 2008
I am writing a book
You know, I can't believe that I didn't think about this sooner. And this is a topic that I am an expert at.
It's a book on how to be an A-Hole.
Oh yeah, I have decades on experience being an a-hole. Here are some examples from the upcoming book.
• Put fake ads on craigslist, typically in the "Personals" section. Or if that is not your speed you can put an ad in the "For Sale" section with some fantastic offer for some hot new, fantastic, hard to find, gadget at some ridiculously low price or something like that.
• Mailing list, these are great. You can find tons of them, sign people up for mailing list, they love that.
• If you ever get a chance to housesit for someone, ESPECIALLY if they have a large car, do it. This is even better if they take their keys with them. What you want to do is to get a friend and a couple of floor jacks, the kind with wheels on them, jack up their car (inside the garage) and rotate their car 90 degrees. In other words, turn their car sideways in their garage.
• If you know anyone who works nights (or a swing shift) get a bunch of "Open House" or "Garage Sale" signs and place them leading up to their house on the days that they are sleeping during the day. This works really great if you have the signs where they can't be seen so easily from the front door. If a mailbox or tree can hide them, even better.
What do you think? Think it will sell?
It's a book on how to be an A-Hole.
Oh yeah, I have decades on experience being an a-hole. Here are some examples from the upcoming book.
• Put fake ads on craigslist, typically in the "Personals" section. Or if that is not your speed you can put an ad in the "For Sale" section with some fantastic offer for some hot new, fantastic, hard to find, gadget at some ridiculously low price or something like that.
• Mailing list, these are great. You can find tons of them, sign people up for mailing list, they love that.
• If you ever get a chance to housesit for someone, ESPECIALLY if they have a large car, do it. This is even better if they take their keys with them. What you want to do is to get a friend and a couple of floor jacks, the kind with wheels on them, jack up their car (inside the garage) and rotate their car 90 degrees. In other words, turn their car sideways in their garage.
• If you know anyone who works nights (or a swing shift) get a bunch of "Open House" or "Garage Sale" signs and place them leading up to their house on the days that they are sleeping during the day. This works really great if you have the signs where they can't be seen so easily from the front door. If a mailbox or tree can hide them, even better.
What do you think? Think it will sell?
Baseball
A little while back I was at a friend's party along with a bunch of my co-workers. Typical for the hell of it party, just hanging out, shooting the breeze, drinking, and what not. In typical party fashion, we start to share stories and have a few laughs. Some how this small group that I was part of got on the subject of baseball. We were telling stories when one of the guys busted out with this gem.
He said that he was playing on his high school baseball team when the starting third basemen got hurt and the coach decided to move him from the outfield to third base. So there he is at third base and the coach is running drills where the play was at first base.
It gets to be his turn, the coach intends to hit a burning grounder but actually hits a nice line drive right about crotch level.
POW!!! Right in the cods! Or as he put it with his arm fully extended and his hand balled up in a fist, right in his "little bald headed champ".
He said that it hurt so bad that he actually peed in his pants. His teammates, being the caring guys that they were, decided to kick dirt all over his crotch so that there would be no mistake that he had wet his pants.
What a great bunch of guys.
He said that he was playing on his high school baseball team when the starting third basemen got hurt and the coach decided to move him from the outfield to third base. So there he is at third base and the coach is running drills where the play was at first base.
It gets to be his turn, the coach intends to hit a burning grounder but actually hits a nice line drive right about crotch level.
POW!!! Right in the cods! Or as he put it with his arm fully extended and his hand balled up in a fist, right in his "little bald headed champ".
He said that it hurt so bad that he actually peed in his pants. His teammates, being the caring guys that they were, decided to kick dirt all over his crotch so that there would be no mistake that he had wet his pants.
What a great bunch of guys.
Writers strike
As I have stated before, I don't get a chance to watch a lot of television so some of this may be old news to you.
I have noticed there are more and more games shows' coming out that has to be because of the writers strike that is going on. But at least they are not "reality shows". One that I tivo'd but have not had a chance to watch yet is Duel. Duel is a trivia game show, which I like, where you can apparently call out your opponent, which I like even more. So that looks like it might be decent.
Then I hear there is an Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader celebrity version. That should be a clusterfuck of epic proportions.
But one that I really do want to see, if it hasn't started yet is the polygraph show where they have family/friends there when you answer the questions. That looks like it has the potential to be a good show. I just hope that it is not all hype and creative editing in the commercials for it because I want to see this show live up to all of the hype. Amazing what people will do for money. I did see something about a guy being a peeping tom or something. I wonder if there is a statute of limitations on something like that. It would be really funny to see someone admit to something so that they could get paid and end up in the pokey.
One of the funniest things is a desperate attempt to re-hash one of the cheesiest game shows ever, American Gladiators. Yeah BROTHER!! Hulk Hogan is supposed to be hosting this. I wonder if the champ will have to take him on or something. Maybe a cage match or something.
I really had no idea how bad things would get without writers. Something really needs to be done because even the highlights of TV shows are really sucking pretty badly. I hear there is supposed to be a Terminator TV series now. Which from what very brief moment of the commercial that I saw, it appeared to be the movie remade.
Side note, I saw a commercial for a product that I really wonder how well it is going to do. The product is Diet Pepsi Max. Diet Pepsi with extra caffeine and Ginseng. Sounds like liquid ass in a bottle to me.
I have noticed there are more and more games shows' coming out that has to be because of the writers strike that is going on. But at least they are not "reality shows". One that I tivo'd but have not had a chance to watch yet is Duel. Duel is a trivia game show, which I like, where you can apparently call out your opponent, which I like even more. So that looks like it might be decent.
Then I hear there is an Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader celebrity version. That should be a clusterfuck of epic proportions.
But one that I really do want to see, if it hasn't started yet is the polygraph show where they have family/friends there when you answer the questions. That looks like it has the potential to be a good show. I just hope that it is not all hype and creative editing in the commercials for it because I want to see this show live up to all of the hype. Amazing what people will do for money. I did see something about a guy being a peeping tom or something. I wonder if there is a statute of limitations on something like that. It would be really funny to see someone admit to something so that they could get paid and end up in the pokey.
One of the funniest things is a desperate attempt to re-hash one of the cheesiest game shows ever, American Gladiators. Yeah BROTHER!! Hulk Hogan is supposed to be hosting this. I wonder if the champ will have to take him on or something. Maybe a cage match or something.
I really had no idea how bad things would get without writers. Something really needs to be done because even the highlights of TV shows are really sucking pretty badly. I hear there is supposed to be a Terminator TV series now. Which from what very brief moment of the commercial that I saw, it appeared to be the movie remade.
Side note, I saw a commercial for a product that I really wonder how well it is going to do. The product is Diet Pepsi Max. Diet Pepsi with extra caffeine and Ginseng. Sounds like liquid ass in a bottle to me.
Looking back (Chapter 13)
Christmas and New Years have come and gone. Other than some snow, everyone is pretty much looking forward to warmer weather. I think the first sign of warm weather has got to be spring break.
Ah yes, gobs of young people pouring just as much alcohol down their stupid throats as they possibly can, getting into fights, destroying property that is not theirs, having sex with anything that they can have it with (consciousness is probably optional), and just general rowdiness and civil disobedience. They should probably change the name to wholesome family break or something like that.
Years ago I would have been right in the middle of it.
The spring break of my (I guess it was) sophomore year of high school was no different. Myself and three of my friends roll down to Panama City Beach in one of my buddies cars with the tinted windows, rims, and stereo that everyone in the county could hear … at the same time … regardless of where you where in the county … whether you wanted to hear it or not. And my heap.
I remember being so pumped up about it that I think that I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes on the just over an hour drive down. There we are four guys, two cars, about 8 ½ cases of beer, a change of clothes or two each, a couple of hundred bucks in cash each, headed south for the weekend.
We get to the Redneck Rivera, find our hotel, get checked in, and crack open a few. You ever have that feeling that you may want to take things easy because the possibility of an ugly turn is imminent? That feeling came over me like the tide coming in over the sand. Fifteen minutes into being in the room and they are each about four beers down and showing no signs of slowing down and I just knew something, something bad, was on the horizon. I will be dammed if I wasn't right too.
We hang out in the hotel room for a while when two of them, Red and Jay, decided that they want to go rambling. Mark, the other guy who drove and never lets anyone drive his car, didn't want to go so Red and Jay are stuck with using their Jerusalem cruisers to get around. They take off and Mark and I are hanging out in the hotel and talking about what we were going to do over the weekend. After a while I notice the slurred speech which is prelude to an event filled afternoon. Homeboy is about half a case in and feeling no pain when he announces that he needs to use the facilities or as he put it "need to piss". Let me give you the layout of the room, it is a rectangle with two queen beds and a square bathroom that looked to be put in after the fact which was right by the front door, typical cheap beach hotel room. Mark makes his way to the restroom does his business and makes his way back to the main room when he proclaims that he hates the hiccups which he now has a case of. He keeps asking me what can he do to get rid of them and I guess he thought that if he asked me 1,001 times that I may get some sort of revelation and change my answer from "I don't know" to something else. But alas, he was wrong.
It is about this time that Mark is good and hammered and proclaims his hatred for bugs. Okay… not sure what that has to do with anything but good for you homeboy. I was about to find out why he was informing me of this displeasure of bugs existence. He thought he saw one so he balls up his fist and punches the wall and what he "thought" was a bug on the wall. What he actually saw in his drunken stupor was the shadow being cast by the sunlight hitting a nail that was left in the wall and painted over. Ever be around a drunk who has just hurt himself? You would rather have a colonoscopy, which has to be less painful than having to deal with all of the bitching and moaning. Now I have a drunken dude running around the room bleeding all over the place and griping about hiccups and the phone rings. Who in the hell could that be? It is Red and Jay wanting me to come pick them up from a local shop because they are tired. Yeah, I will get right on that. But I get to feeling sorry for them and decide that I would see how drunk Mark was. When he said it was okay if I took his car to go pick them up I knew he was plowed. Mark goes to get me his keys and slips in some of the blood he spilled on the floor and bangs his head on the floor. So now I know that I have to find some way of restraining him so that he doesn't hurt himself. I had to get both of the flat sheets off of the bed, tie them together and use them to tie Mark to the bed. Once I feel that is he not going to be a danger to himself I get the keys and head out the door. When I get to where the gruesome twosome tells me they are going to be waiting for me, they are gone. I go in and ask the clerk if he had seen them and he tells me that they split about 20 minutes ago. Assholes! So back to the hotel I go. When I get there I find Mark passed out, thank god!
I am just hanging out in the hotel room for a while when the phone rings again and it is Jay and Red again, wanting me to come get them none the less. I tell them to stay put and I will go get them but it will be a little while because of the traffic on the strip. By the time I get to where they say they are again they are gone, well F them. No more feeling sorry for them. But I was getting a bit hungry and I did spy a Mickey D's nearby. So I roll over to it where I notice my cousin's car. I find a place to park and go in to talk to my cousin. After talking to him for a while I got some food to go and for whatever dumb-ass reason I wanted a chocolate milkshake. As I make my way to the car I put my milkshake on the roof of the car so that I can get the keys out of my pocket, unlock the door, toss the bag of food in the car, get in and make my way through the parking lot. At this particular location there is a wide shoulder on the road that local law enforcement uses when traffic is heavy on the strip, this is about to come into play in this story. There I am making my way through the parking lot and I notice that a lot of people are looking at the car, I just thought that it was because of the car. So I am just about to pull out into the street when a cop comes hauling down the shoulder and I slam on the breaks so that I don't get in his way. This is when, unbeknown to me, the milkshake that I accidentally left on the roof of the car falls over and spills onto the windshield of the car. Not realizing what it was I said "what the hell kind of bird was that?!" Then I see the cup rolling on the ground. Oh great, I am an idiot. Now I got to find a car wash. Which I did, and now I am on a mission to have this stupid milkshake. I make my way back to McDonalds and take advantage of the drive-thru so that I don't make the same mistake. Now I am happy, have my milkshake, inside the car, and actually made my way back onto the strip. But traffic is heavy so it may take me a while to get back to the hotel, oh well guess I will have to enjoy cruising and cranking up some pirate radio for a while.
During this particular spring break there were cops everywhere, like every eighth mile or so. Really cracking down I guess. So I see one near me, turn down the stereo and try to act cool. He sees me drinking and ask me what was in my cup. To which I replied a milkshake and asked him why he was asking. He said they are looking for people drinking and driving and asked if I would mind if he checked my drink. No, I don't mind and hand him my cup. He opens the lid, looks into it, takes a sniff and thanks me and hands it back to me. Okay, no big deal. So I get a little farther down the road and I see another cop, but this guy doesn't use the same approach. He looks at me and says "What's in the cup boy" to which my pompous ass thought "boy?!" but the part of me that didn't want to get harassed by the cops stepped in and said just shut up and be nice. So I tell him it's a milkshake and that his buddy just checked it. He asked "Do you mind?" and motioned for me to hand him the cup. Which I did and he TOOK A DAMN SIP OF MY DRINK! I couldn't believe it. What an a-hole. Then he hands it back to me. Yeah, like I am going to drink it now. Out of involuntary actions I hold the cup out of the window and the cop tells me that it is a $150 fine for littering. This milkshake deal was not meant to be so I had to let that one go.
I make my way back to the hotel, park the car, and go to the room. But I can't open the door all of the way, like something was behind it. What the hell. Oh god, it is Mark's drunk ass passed out in the doorframe of the bathroom blocking me from opening the door to the room. So I get him up and into the room where I can see that he has started drinking again, pretty heavily I might add. So I get him to sit on the bed and try to clean up when he says "number 7" and trots off back to the bathroom. Number 7?, what does that mean? He says it's the number of times that he has thrown up and lets me know that the substance that I am cleaning up with the towels is barf… damn, thanks dude.
About this time the sun is starting to go down and the social life is starting to heat up. I am sure that Mark is somewhat more sober at this point but still not Red and Jay. As luck would have it, they called the room again, wanting to be picked up again. I let them know that I will get right on it and tell Mark what they wanted. F them was his reply, sounds good to me. But he is hungry now and way to drunk and scared of cops to drive so I have to chauffeur him around. We find a burger joint that he wanted to go to but he insisted that we go in. So there we are standing in line to get our food to go *eye roll* when I notice that the guy working the counter in the line that we were in was handicapped and that Mark "weirds out" about things like that. But we are so close to the register and there is no way that I am going to get in the back of another line to buy food that I am not going to enjoy. No sooner had I realized what was going on when I see Mark get the big eyes and looks over at me. In an effort to keep him from making an ass out of himself and embarrassing me at the same time I tell him "just be cool, just be cool" to which he replied with "don't let him touch my food Sweezey, don't let him touch my food" I reassured him that he wouldn't and that the people in the back are cooking the food and that he was just taking our money for it. We get his food and head back to the car. Drunky Drunkenheimer sitting in the passenger seat of his car with the door open, takes one bite out of his food and then dumps it out in the parking lot stating "dude, he touched my food, I can taste it" What ever, let's just go back to the hotel.
We get back to the hotel and head towards our room when I realize, hey someone is having a party… in our freaking room!!!! I walk into the room where some slack-jaw greets me and tells me to help myself to a beer and points to a cooler, my damn cooler with my damn beer in it. Everyone in the room was drinking my beer. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!!! People got pissed when I kicked them out, until I told them that I had called the cops, at which they all thought it was a good time to take off, hmm, wonder why? Just goes to prove that drunk kids are stupid, like I would call the cops to report underage drinking in my room because they were drinking my beer, while I was 16, morons.
Ah yes, gobs of young people pouring just as much alcohol down their stupid throats as they possibly can, getting into fights, destroying property that is not theirs, having sex with anything that they can have it with (consciousness is probably optional), and just general rowdiness and civil disobedience. They should probably change the name to wholesome family break or something like that.
Years ago I would have been right in the middle of it.
The spring break of my (I guess it was) sophomore year of high school was no different. Myself and three of my friends roll down to Panama City Beach in one of my buddies cars with the tinted windows, rims, and stereo that everyone in the county could hear … at the same time … regardless of where you where in the county … whether you wanted to hear it or not. And my heap.
I remember being so pumped up about it that I think that I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes on the just over an hour drive down. There we are four guys, two cars, about 8 ½ cases of beer, a change of clothes or two each, a couple of hundred bucks in cash each, headed south for the weekend.
We get to the Redneck Rivera, find our hotel, get checked in, and crack open a few. You ever have that feeling that you may want to take things easy because the possibility of an ugly turn is imminent? That feeling came over me like the tide coming in over the sand. Fifteen minutes into being in the room and they are each about four beers down and showing no signs of slowing down and I just knew something, something bad, was on the horizon. I will be dammed if I wasn't right too.
We hang out in the hotel room for a while when two of them, Red and Jay, decided that they want to go rambling. Mark, the other guy who drove and never lets anyone drive his car, didn't want to go so Red and Jay are stuck with using their Jerusalem cruisers to get around. They take off and Mark and I are hanging out in the hotel and talking about what we were going to do over the weekend. After a while I notice the slurred speech which is prelude to an event filled afternoon. Homeboy is about half a case in and feeling no pain when he announces that he needs to use the facilities or as he put it "need to piss". Let me give you the layout of the room, it is a rectangle with two queen beds and a square bathroom that looked to be put in after the fact which was right by the front door, typical cheap beach hotel room. Mark makes his way to the restroom does his business and makes his way back to the main room when he proclaims that he hates the hiccups which he now has a case of. He keeps asking me what can he do to get rid of them and I guess he thought that if he asked me 1,001 times that I may get some sort of revelation and change my answer from "I don't know" to something else. But alas, he was wrong.
It is about this time that Mark is good and hammered and proclaims his hatred for bugs. Okay… not sure what that has to do with anything but good for you homeboy. I was about to find out why he was informing me of this displeasure of bugs existence. He thought he saw one so he balls up his fist and punches the wall and what he "thought" was a bug on the wall. What he actually saw in his drunken stupor was the shadow being cast by the sunlight hitting a nail that was left in the wall and painted over. Ever be around a drunk who has just hurt himself? You would rather have a colonoscopy, which has to be less painful than having to deal with all of the bitching and moaning. Now I have a drunken dude running around the room bleeding all over the place and griping about hiccups and the phone rings. Who in the hell could that be? It is Red and Jay wanting me to come pick them up from a local shop because they are tired. Yeah, I will get right on that. But I get to feeling sorry for them and decide that I would see how drunk Mark was. When he said it was okay if I took his car to go pick them up I knew he was plowed. Mark goes to get me his keys and slips in some of the blood he spilled on the floor and bangs his head on the floor. So now I know that I have to find some way of restraining him so that he doesn't hurt himself. I had to get both of the flat sheets off of the bed, tie them together and use them to tie Mark to the bed. Once I feel that is he not going to be a danger to himself I get the keys and head out the door. When I get to where the gruesome twosome tells me they are going to be waiting for me, they are gone. I go in and ask the clerk if he had seen them and he tells me that they split about 20 minutes ago. Assholes! So back to the hotel I go. When I get there I find Mark passed out, thank god!
I am just hanging out in the hotel room for a while when the phone rings again and it is Jay and Red again, wanting me to come get them none the less. I tell them to stay put and I will go get them but it will be a little while because of the traffic on the strip. By the time I get to where they say they are again they are gone, well F them. No more feeling sorry for them. But I was getting a bit hungry and I did spy a Mickey D's nearby. So I roll over to it where I notice my cousin's car. I find a place to park and go in to talk to my cousin. After talking to him for a while I got some food to go and for whatever dumb-ass reason I wanted a chocolate milkshake. As I make my way to the car I put my milkshake on the roof of the car so that I can get the keys out of my pocket, unlock the door, toss the bag of food in the car, get in and make my way through the parking lot. At this particular location there is a wide shoulder on the road that local law enforcement uses when traffic is heavy on the strip, this is about to come into play in this story. There I am making my way through the parking lot and I notice that a lot of people are looking at the car, I just thought that it was because of the car. So I am just about to pull out into the street when a cop comes hauling down the shoulder and I slam on the breaks so that I don't get in his way. This is when, unbeknown to me, the milkshake that I accidentally left on the roof of the car falls over and spills onto the windshield of the car. Not realizing what it was I said "what the hell kind of bird was that?!" Then I see the cup rolling on the ground. Oh great, I am an idiot. Now I got to find a car wash. Which I did, and now I am on a mission to have this stupid milkshake. I make my way back to McDonalds and take advantage of the drive-thru so that I don't make the same mistake. Now I am happy, have my milkshake, inside the car, and actually made my way back onto the strip. But traffic is heavy so it may take me a while to get back to the hotel, oh well guess I will have to enjoy cruising and cranking up some pirate radio for a while.
During this particular spring break there were cops everywhere, like every eighth mile or so. Really cracking down I guess. So I see one near me, turn down the stereo and try to act cool. He sees me drinking and ask me what was in my cup. To which I replied a milkshake and asked him why he was asking. He said they are looking for people drinking and driving and asked if I would mind if he checked my drink. No, I don't mind and hand him my cup. He opens the lid, looks into it, takes a sniff and thanks me and hands it back to me. Okay, no big deal. So I get a little farther down the road and I see another cop, but this guy doesn't use the same approach. He looks at me and says "What's in the cup boy" to which my pompous ass thought "boy?!" but the part of me that didn't want to get harassed by the cops stepped in and said just shut up and be nice. So I tell him it's a milkshake and that his buddy just checked it. He asked "Do you mind?" and motioned for me to hand him the cup. Which I did and he TOOK A DAMN SIP OF MY DRINK! I couldn't believe it. What an a-hole. Then he hands it back to me. Yeah, like I am going to drink it now. Out of involuntary actions I hold the cup out of the window and the cop tells me that it is a $150 fine for littering. This milkshake deal was not meant to be so I had to let that one go.
I make my way back to the hotel, park the car, and go to the room. But I can't open the door all of the way, like something was behind it. What the hell. Oh god, it is Mark's drunk ass passed out in the doorframe of the bathroom blocking me from opening the door to the room. So I get him up and into the room where I can see that he has started drinking again, pretty heavily I might add. So I get him to sit on the bed and try to clean up when he says "number 7" and trots off back to the bathroom. Number 7?, what does that mean? He says it's the number of times that he has thrown up and lets me know that the substance that I am cleaning up with the towels is barf… damn, thanks dude.
About this time the sun is starting to go down and the social life is starting to heat up. I am sure that Mark is somewhat more sober at this point but still not Red and Jay. As luck would have it, they called the room again, wanting to be picked up again. I let them know that I will get right on it and tell Mark what they wanted. F them was his reply, sounds good to me. But he is hungry now and way to drunk and scared of cops to drive so I have to chauffeur him around. We find a burger joint that he wanted to go to but he insisted that we go in. So there we are standing in line to get our food to go *eye roll* when I notice that the guy working the counter in the line that we were in was handicapped and that Mark "weirds out" about things like that. But we are so close to the register and there is no way that I am going to get in the back of another line to buy food that I am not going to enjoy. No sooner had I realized what was going on when I see Mark get the big eyes and looks over at me. In an effort to keep him from making an ass out of himself and embarrassing me at the same time I tell him "just be cool, just be cool" to which he replied with "don't let him touch my food Sweezey, don't let him touch my food" I reassured him that he wouldn't and that the people in the back are cooking the food and that he was just taking our money for it. We get his food and head back to the car. Drunky Drunkenheimer sitting in the passenger seat of his car with the door open, takes one bite out of his food and then dumps it out in the parking lot stating "dude, he touched my food, I can taste it" What ever, let's just go back to the hotel.
We get back to the hotel and head towards our room when I realize, hey someone is having a party… in our freaking room!!!! I walk into the room where some slack-jaw greets me and tells me to help myself to a beer and points to a cooler, my damn cooler with my damn beer in it. Everyone in the room was drinking my beer. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!!! People got pissed when I kicked them out, until I told them that I had called the cops, at which they all thought it was a good time to take off, hmm, wonder why? Just goes to prove that drunk kids are stupid, like I would call the cops to report underage drinking in my room because they were drinking my beer, while I was 16, morons.
Just some observations
I do not go shopping very often. Other than the fact that malls and department stores seem to cause people to loose all sense of rational thinking, I have no idea why I hate to go to them. But I do.
But a few days before Christmas I went to this little import boutique called Super Target (pronounced Tar'shay, I think it's French!). So we needed to pick up a couple of things, one of which was diapers. So I go to the Baby section of the store, where they had strollers, high-chairs, bottles, pacifiers, and so on. But no diapers. So I double check the area. There are bibs, baby lotion, bottle liners, and wash clothes. But yet again, no diapers. I finally find them, guess where. In the food section. Why in the hell are they there? So I get to thinking about it, I guess it makes sense. I mean babies will need them after you eat, convenient I guess.
Then I noticed something else that may be set up for our connivance, but funny regardless. The Lingerie section leads right into the baby section. Ironic don't you think? Pretty sure that some lingerie has lead to babies.
But why is everyone pissed off? I mean you are the slack-jawed, mouth-breathing idiots who wanted until the last minute to shop for the biggest gift giving holiday of the year. Not like they sprung it on you. Surprise! We decided to have Christmas on December 25th this year! It's always on the same day.
Oh and one other thing. In this politically correct world that we live in, we are supposed to say "Happy Holidays" and not "Merry Christmas" so that we don't offend anyone. But everything associated with the holiday season ramps up to and ends on December 25th. Hell, Hanukkah, which last for 8 days, started on December 5th this year. And Kwanzaa doesn't even start until December 26th. So why do we try to fool ourselves into believing that we (and by we I mean the media) are being universal and not playing any favorites? Just say Merry Christmas. If it offends someone, big deal, get over yourself. Someone was just trying to be nice to you.
Hell, even my old, "atheist" roommate in Virginia went to see his parents' house on Christmas. I asked him why he did it when he claims to be atheist. To which he replied "Hey man, I want free stuff too". Maybe the message is lost but we all celebrate it the same way.
But a few days before Christmas I went to this little import boutique called Super Target (pronounced Tar'shay, I think it's French!). So we needed to pick up a couple of things, one of which was diapers. So I go to the Baby section of the store, where they had strollers, high-chairs, bottles, pacifiers, and so on. But no diapers. So I double check the area. There are bibs, baby lotion, bottle liners, and wash clothes. But yet again, no diapers. I finally find them, guess where. In the food section. Why in the hell are they there? So I get to thinking about it, I guess it makes sense. I mean babies will need them after you eat, convenient I guess.
Then I noticed something else that may be set up for our connivance, but funny regardless. The Lingerie section leads right into the baby section. Ironic don't you think? Pretty sure that some lingerie has lead to babies.
But why is everyone pissed off? I mean you are the slack-jawed, mouth-breathing idiots who wanted until the last minute to shop for the biggest gift giving holiday of the year. Not like they sprung it on you. Surprise! We decided to have Christmas on December 25th this year! It's always on the same day.
Oh and one other thing. In this politically correct world that we live in, we are supposed to say "Happy Holidays" and not "Merry Christmas" so that we don't offend anyone. But everything associated with the holiday season ramps up to and ends on December 25th. Hell, Hanukkah, which last for 8 days, started on December 5th this year. And Kwanzaa doesn't even start until December 26th. So why do we try to fool ourselves into believing that we (and by we I mean the media) are being universal and not playing any favorites? Just say Merry Christmas. If it offends someone, big deal, get over yourself. Someone was just trying to be nice to you.
Hell, even my old, "atheist" roommate in Virginia went to see his parents' house on Christmas. I asked him why he did it when he claims to be atheist. To which he replied "Hey man, I want free stuff too". Maybe the message is lost but we all celebrate it the same way.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
The four year anniversary of my attempted homicide
Ok, so maybe the title is a bit of a stretch but I did almost die.
Let me give you a little back ground on me. I am stupid. Well, not really stupid, but I have a soft spot in my heart for senior animals, senior citizens, children and the handicapped. Since I have this soft spot, I tend to stretch myself a bit thin to help out when I can.
Four years ago around this time of year, I was asked if I wouldn't mind helping an animal rescue that I work with help raise some money. Of course I said that I would before I even heard what they wanted me to do. Yeah, talk about taking a rocket sled on rails to the top of your all time biggest mistakes list. They wanted me to play Santa Clause for photos of your pets with Santa at a pet store fund raiser. Told you that I am stupid.
So let's get it over with.
I know this is all for non-profit but someone please spend a couple of bucks and wash that damn suit. Or at least air it out or something.
So here is the situation, there I am in the suit and another volunteer with a camera. And that's pretty much it. Someone didn't put a lot of effort into coordinating it.
The first several minutes of this was no big deal at all. Not really much of anyone coming by, not even really many people in the store. Then the flood gates opened. But it was nothing great, except for this one yip-yap dog. I really don't know why people think that their pets like this sort of ordeal but they don't. This dog was FREAKED out and wanted to take refuge … in the beard, you know the one that I was wearing. So here is this little kicking ball of joy with very sharp claws trying to climb its way into my chest via a polyester beard. And it's not like you can smack it, its owner is right there. Oh, and the high pitch cutesy voice, they don't like that either.
That's not where I was almost killed. No, no, not at all. If when this slack jawed mouth breathing imbeciles with two rottweilers came in. Of course since these dogs are pretty much just pissed off eating machines, these smucks had to give them cutesy names, Tiny and Jingles. Are you effing kidding me? Does anyone really think that is still funny? So these dogs who have teeth all the way to their tails, who really don't want to be there, don't want to pose for a picture even more than they don't want to be there. So they get them near me and they are trying to go in different directions. It is at this point that the owners think it is a good idea to remove the leashes and just have me hold the dogs around the shoulder area, right where the fucking teeth are. Please god, don't let them think that I am a small child. So one of the monsters is sitting on my foot, at this point I could care less if this dog took a steaming dump on my brand new pair of Bruno Maglis. Just take the damn picture. Just before the picture is snapped one dog realizes that a stranger is holding it and lunges up to try to get into my lap. Yeah, sure, why not. So the other dog gets jealous and it wants to jump into my lap as well. Then they decide to get territorial. Snarls, growls, and teeth being shown while two rotties are in my lap. Well, Merry Mauled Christmas to me. While this is going on the owners think it's funny. "You better come get these damn dogs before I set them free". So the owners get the dogs and yell some commands in a foreign language to get them to settle down. They settle down, we get them fairly close to each other and then take a picture. "Next!" as in this is all you get, no do-overs. I usher the baby eaters off and motion for the next people to bring their dog over. Several dogs pass and this couple bring their Beagle in. Their FLATULANT Beagle I might add. Apparently this dog farts when it gets nervous. Well he must have thought he was going to be on the naughty list or something because there was methane gas flowing like it was going out of style. I get poopy puppy in my arms, we take the picture and I hold him for the owners to come get him. The wife apologies and thanks me when the husband says "Hey at least I didn't bring my python" it's your snake, get it cut into pieces if you want asshole. Of course I just smile and say "yeah".
But that's not even the worst of it. Some old, apparently senile, lady brought in her cats, as in plural. Remember the yip-yap dog mentioned earlier? These cats made that dog look like a godsend. You want to know what it is like to try to hold two cats in a Santa suit and trying to get them to look in the same direction at the same time? Picture trying to hold an octopus that has razors on each tentacle while high on speed. That is sort of close.
One cat is clinched onto my hand with its claws deep into my hand and wrist. The other lovely feline is burrowing into the beard at an accelerated manor. I believe this little fellow might not be enjoying this. So much so that I was about to turn it into some sort of abstract art.
There I am holding my left hand in the air at about a 45 degree angle with this cat digging into my hand and wrist looking like a living pompom, while trying to hold the other cat in my right hand as it is trying to find a way into my rib cage. Just before I release some very choice words, I look up at the line of people watching with this somber look on their face and I remember that this is all for charity.
Someone knock some sense into me before I volunteer for something like this again, please.
Let me give you a little back ground on me. I am stupid. Well, not really stupid, but I have a soft spot in my heart for senior animals, senior citizens, children and the handicapped. Since I have this soft spot, I tend to stretch myself a bit thin to help out when I can.
Four years ago around this time of year, I was asked if I wouldn't mind helping an animal rescue that I work with help raise some money. Of course I said that I would before I even heard what they wanted me to do. Yeah, talk about taking a rocket sled on rails to the top of your all time biggest mistakes list. They wanted me to play Santa Clause for photos of your pets with Santa at a pet store fund raiser. Told you that I am stupid.
So let's get it over with.
I know this is all for non-profit but someone please spend a couple of bucks and wash that damn suit. Or at least air it out or something.
So here is the situation, there I am in the suit and another volunteer with a camera. And that's pretty much it. Someone didn't put a lot of effort into coordinating it.
The first several minutes of this was no big deal at all. Not really much of anyone coming by, not even really many people in the store. Then the flood gates opened. But it was nothing great, except for this one yip-yap dog. I really don't know why people think that their pets like this sort of ordeal but they don't. This dog was FREAKED out and wanted to take refuge … in the beard, you know the one that I was wearing. So here is this little kicking ball of joy with very sharp claws trying to climb its way into my chest via a polyester beard. And it's not like you can smack it, its owner is right there. Oh, and the high pitch cutesy voice, they don't like that either.
That's not where I was almost killed. No, no, not at all. If when this slack jawed mouth breathing imbeciles with two rottweilers came in. Of course since these dogs are pretty much just pissed off eating machines, these smucks had to give them cutesy names, Tiny and Jingles. Are you effing kidding me? Does anyone really think that is still funny? So these dogs who have teeth all the way to their tails, who really don't want to be there, don't want to pose for a picture even more than they don't want to be there. So they get them near me and they are trying to go in different directions. It is at this point that the owners think it is a good idea to remove the leashes and just have me hold the dogs around the shoulder area, right where the fucking teeth are. Please god, don't let them think that I am a small child. So one of the monsters is sitting on my foot, at this point I could care less if this dog took a steaming dump on my brand new pair of Bruno Maglis. Just take the damn picture. Just before the picture is snapped one dog realizes that a stranger is holding it and lunges up to try to get into my lap. Yeah, sure, why not. So the other dog gets jealous and it wants to jump into my lap as well. Then they decide to get territorial. Snarls, growls, and teeth being shown while two rotties are in my lap. Well, Merry Mauled Christmas to me. While this is going on the owners think it's funny. "You better come get these damn dogs before I set them free". So the owners get the dogs and yell some commands in a foreign language to get them to settle down. They settle down, we get them fairly close to each other and then take a picture. "Next!" as in this is all you get, no do-overs. I usher the baby eaters off and motion for the next people to bring their dog over. Several dogs pass and this couple bring their Beagle in. Their FLATULANT Beagle I might add. Apparently this dog farts when it gets nervous. Well he must have thought he was going to be on the naughty list or something because there was methane gas flowing like it was going out of style. I get poopy puppy in my arms, we take the picture and I hold him for the owners to come get him. The wife apologies and thanks me when the husband says "Hey at least I didn't bring my python" it's your snake, get it cut into pieces if you want asshole. Of course I just smile and say "yeah".
But that's not even the worst of it. Some old, apparently senile, lady brought in her cats, as in plural. Remember the yip-yap dog mentioned earlier? These cats made that dog look like a godsend. You want to know what it is like to try to hold two cats in a Santa suit and trying to get them to look in the same direction at the same time? Picture trying to hold an octopus that has razors on each tentacle while high on speed. That is sort of close.
One cat is clinched onto my hand with its claws deep into my hand and wrist. The other lovely feline is burrowing into the beard at an accelerated manor. I believe this little fellow might not be enjoying this. So much so that I was about to turn it into some sort of abstract art.
There I am holding my left hand in the air at about a 45 degree angle with this cat digging into my hand and wrist looking like a living pompom, while trying to hold the other cat in my right hand as it is trying to find a way into my rib cage. Just before I release some very choice words, I look up at the line of people watching with this somber look on their face and I remember that this is all for charity.
Someone knock some sense into me before I volunteer for something like this again, please.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
It’s official, I am insane.
As I was in traffic today I got caught at this really long red light. So I am sitting there waiting for the light to turn green when I caught myself watching all of these birds land on some of the wires that are attached to the traffic light. After a while I notice that some birds would land and then fly off only to land a few feet down the line. I began to wonder why they did this. There was what appeared to be equal room between the birds on the line so they were not crammed. And I just kept watching them do this. Some would land and a matter of seconds, if not instantly, flies off and land a bit down the line. Over and over I attempted to figure out why they were doing this. The only answer I could come up with is maybe the bird that is already on the power line is an asshole.
I worry about myself now.
I worry about myself now.
Come on Mister Weatherman, you can’t be serious.
This morning I was listening to the news as I was getting ready and I heard yet another new weather condition that I had never heard of before. Freezing fog, what is that BS? Even the news guy was like "Freezing fog … really…" In his mind he was saying "Do you think we are all morons? You have no clue what the weather is going to be like."
Remember the weather rock from Spencer's? That might actually be better than some of the "forecast" I have heard lately. I think that they might actually use the dart board method of predicting the weather. My theory is that the weathermen are back in their office tripping on acid when they are getting their forecast together and this is some psychedelic vision that they had transcribed into a forecast. Take a couple of hits and look into your crystal ball, nimrods. I have never seen the movie "Weatherman" but some how I am strangely drawn to it now.
I have figured it out though, my issue with weathermen that is. They have one of if not the greatest gig on the planet, and I am jealous. Think about it, they are somewhat celebrities, get paid a healthy six figures, can be wrong every damn day and still keep a job. Where do I sign up?
My local weather guy could come on tonight and say that it is going to rain cat turds from the ground up and he would be there with that big ass used car salesmen smile the next day telling us that we are going to have a wave of melting sunlight or some crap like that and no one would say shit to him. It's a screw job of epic proportions.
I just wish they could be held accountable, then the forecast would either be a lot more accurate or they would just say "Hell if I know what is going to happen tomorrow, carry you rain coat and a parka but wear shorts"
Remember the weather rock from Spencer's? That might actually be better than some of the "forecast" I have heard lately. I think that they might actually use the dart board method of predicting the weather. My theory is that the weathermen are back in their office tripping on acid when they are getting their forecast together and this is some psychedelic vision that they had transcribed into a forecast. Take a couple of hits and look into your crystal ball, nimrods. I have never seen the movie "Weatherman" but some how I am strangely drawn to it now.
I have figured it out though, my issue with weathermen that is. They have one of if not the greatest gig on the planet, and I am jealous. Think about it, they are somewhat celebrities, get paid a healthy six figures, can be wrong every damn day and still keep a job. Where do I sign up?
My local weather guy could come on tonight and say that it is going to rain cat turds from the ground up and he would be there with that big ass used car salesmen smile the next day telling us that we are going to have a wave of melting sunlight or some crap like that and no one would say shit to him. It's a screw job of epic proportions.
I just wish they could be held accountable, then the forecast would either be a lot more accurate or they would just say "Hell if I know what is going to happen tomorrow, carry you rain coat and a parka but wear shorts"
Ozarkizms
As we are in full swing of the holiday season and Christmas cards from loved ones start to roll in I take this opportunity to reflect back on the holidays. Which often leads me to thinking about family, in turn I begin to think about home.
Ozark is kind of like the TV show Cheers, on acid. Where everyone knows pretty much everyone else, even if they don't acknowledge each other. So after telling some of my stories I have a lot of people who want to go and visit the Land of Oz, I think simply in disbelief. But that is a different story. What I am doing here is a simple reference of Ozarkizms. Think of this as one of those Forbes travel books. These are sayings or phrases that may be heard while in Ozark.
Let's start with some of the social gathering locations.
"The Stop Sign" - Yes, we have more than one traffic control device in town, but there is one particular stop sign that is a bit more famous than the others. Pretty much anyone who grew up in Ozark can tell you how to get to "The Stop Sign" with their eyes closed. This is the location of MANY underage social gathers. Probably has been more beer/liquor consumed here than any bar that is or was ever in Ozark.
"The Old Barn" – Again famous underage drinking hang out. Much like "The Stop Sign" only it's a barn, and down the street.
"The Old House" – Does this really even need a description? Located conveniently between the historic "Stop Sign" and 'The Old Barn".
"The Clay Pits" – An area of town that is owned by the highway department where they would dig clay to be used for road construction. Want to venture a guess as to what we did here?
"Hollywood" – No, not the one in California, not even the one in Florida, this is a field out in the middle of nowhere Ozark.
"San Quentin" - I would love to know who named a place where minors would gather to gather to get wrecked out of their minds after a PRISON. Makes perfect sense to me.
Ok, so you now that you have the layout of some of the social gathering location of the land, we will now move on to other commonly heard phases and sayings.
"Krazo" – Most commonly used nick-name of Ozark, which is simply Ozark spelled backwards. We are a cleaver group that way.
"Man" – This is not a reference to ones gender. This is most often used to start pretty much every damn sentence. "Man, I am tired. Man, I could go for a pizza right about now. Man, where is the party at?" At times this is interchangeable with "Dude".
"The Mall" – Ozark does not have a mall, but there is a shopping center that has been adopted as a mall. This is pretty much a vacant property where local youth hang out and cruise on weekends.
"Martindale 500" – This is a weekly event where the car owning youth and some old losers drive around the parking lot of "The Mall" in a circular fashion much like a NASCAR event.
"Oh Hell No!" – This saying is usually uttered in disbelief of an action that has just happened. For example "Oh Hell No! You didn't just drink my last beer!"
"I'ma have ta f*$k you up!" - A shorten version of "I am going to have to f*k you up. This phrase is typically the predecessor to an "Oh Hell No!" phrase. This phrase is used to express the need for discipline for a previous unpleasant action. Also known as a can of whoop ass.
"Get the hell off of my property" – This saying loosely translated means that the person saying it is advising the recipient of the phrase to vacate the immediate area which is owned by the expresser. Most often used with an unpleasant tone. Often heard in the front lawn/front porch/driveway.
"You mess with me, you mess with my whole family!" – A declaration that I am not alone and if this matter were to turn to an unsettling fashion I will be forced to retaliate with members both in and out of my nuclear family. Most often stated in trailer parks and High School parking lots. Oh who am I kidding, it's the redneck battle cry.
"I'ma have ta call the law!" – Shortened version of "I am going to call the police". Most often used as a means to intimidate one in a manor that there could be pending legal actions taken if you do not correct your current behavior/remove yourself from this area.
"Where is the party at?" – Loosely translated, this means where are people gathering to consume massive amounts of alcohol for no other reason than it is Friday/Saturday night.
"The Beach" – Although there are thousands of miles of costal property, in Ozark there is only one beach, Panama City Beach. All other costal destinations shall be known by the name of the city. For example: Destin, Fort Walton, Miami, Daytona, Long Beach, San Diego and so on.
"The Law" – This can be interpreted as any form of law enforcement, not specifically any one agency. This has nothing to do with the written codes by which citizens must obey.
"Party" – Anywhere that there are more than two people who are drinking.
"Hangin Out" – One or more people, who are drinking.
"Going to the river Sundee" – Typically this could be a question "Going to the river Sunday?" or an answer "What are you doing this weekend? So and so is having a party Saturdee (Saturday) and going to the river Sundee (Sunday)." This even usually involves either owning or knowing someone who owns a four wheel drive truck and driving under bridges on various county and state highways where groups gather to stand in ankle deep water and drink beer.
"River Rat" – One who is "Going to the river Sundee". A regular participant of such events.
"The Block" – A place that you don't want to be, even in the daytime. Often referred to as Compton of the south.
"Yankee queer" – This lovely phrase is aimed at anyone who can be identified as not from Ozark and who has done something to upset a local.
... sigh
Ozark is kind of like the TV show Cheers, on acid. Where everyone knows pretty much everyone else, even if they don't acknowledge each other. So after telling some of my stories I have a lot of people who want to go and visit the Land of Oz, I think simply in disbelief. But that is a different story. What I am doing here is a simple reference of Ozarkizms. Think of this as one of those Forbes travel books. These are sayings or phrases that may be heard while in Ozark.
Let's start with some of the social gathering locations.
"The Stop Sign" - Yes, we have more than one traffic control device in town, but there is one particular stop sign that is a bit more famous than the others. Pretty much anyone who grew up in Ozark can tell you how to get to "The Stop Sign" with their eyes closed. This is the location of MANY underage social gathers. Probably has been more beer/liquor consumed here than any bar that is or was ever in Ozark.
"The Old Barn" – Again famous underage drinking hang out. Much like "The Stop Sign" only it's a barn, and down the street.
"The Old House" – Does this really even need a description? Located conveniently between the historic "Stop Sign" and 'The Old Barn".
"The Clay Pits" – An area of town that is owned by the highway department where they would dig clay to be used for road construction. Want to venture a guess as to what we did here?
"Hollywood" – No, not the one in California, not even the one in Florida, this is a field out in the middle of nowhere Ozark.
"San Quentin" - I would love to know who named a place where minors would gather to gather to get wrecked out of their minds after a PRISON. Makes perfect sense to me.
Ok, so you now that you have the layout of some of the social gathering location of the land, we will now move on to other commonly heard phases and sayings.
"Krazo" – Most commonly used nick-name of Ozark, which is simply Ozark spelled backwards. We are a cleaver group that way.
"Man" – This is not a reference to ones gender. This is most often used to start pretty much every damn sentence. "Man, I am tired. Man, I could go for a pizza right about now. Man, where is the party at?" At times this is interchangeable with "Dude".
"The Mall" – Ozark does not have a mall, but there is a shopping center that has been adopted as a mall. This is pretty much a vacant property where local youth hang out and cruise on weekends.
"Martindale 500" – This is a weekly event where the car owning youth and some old losers drive around the parking lot of "The Mall" in a circular fashion much like a NASCAR event.
"Oh Hell No!" – This saying is usually uttered in disbelief of an action that has just happened. For example "Oh Hell No! You didn't just drink my last beer!"
"I'ma have ta f*$k you up!" - A shorten version of "I am going to have to f*k you up. This phrase is typically the predecessor to an "Oh Hell No!" phrase. This phrase is used to express the need for discipline for a previous unpleasant action. Also known as a can of whoop ass.
"Get the hell off of my property" – This saying loosely translated means that the person saying it is advising the recipient of the phrase to vacate the immediate area which is owned by the expresser. Most often used with an unpleasant tone. Often heard in the front lawn/front porch/driveway.
"You mess with me, you mess with my whole family!" – A declaration that I am not alone and if this matter were to turn to an unsettling fashion I will be forced to retaliate with members both in and out of my nuclear family. Most often stated in trailer parks and High School parking lots. Oh who am I kidding, it's the redneck battle cry.
"I'ma have ta call the law!" – Shortened version of "I am going to call the police". Most often used as a means to intimidate one in a manor that there could be pending legal actions taken if you do not correct your current behavior/remove yourself from this area.
"Where is the party at?" – Loosely translated, this means where are people gathering to consume massive amounts of alcohol for no other reason than it is Friday/Saturday night.
"The Beach" – Although there are thousands of miles of costal property, in Ozark there is only one beach, Panama City Beach. All other costal destinations shall be known by the name of the city. For example: Destin, Fort Walton, Miami, Daytona, Long Beach, San Diego and so on.
"The Law" – This can be interpreted as any form of law enforcement, not specifically any one agency. This has nothing to do with the written codes by which citizens must obey.
"Party" – Anywhere that there are more than two people who are drinking.
"Hangin Out" – One or more people, who are drinking.
"Going to the river Sundee" – Typically this could be a question "Going to the river Sunday?" or an answer "What are you doing this weekend? So and so is having a party Saturdee (Saturday) and going to the river Sundee (Sunday)." This even usually involves either owning or knowing someone who owns a four wheel drive truck and driving under bridges on various county and state highways where groups gather to stand in ankle deep water and drink beer.
"River Rat" – One who is "Going to the river Sundee". A regular participant of such events.
"The Block" – A place that you don't want to be, even in the daytime. Often referred to as Compton of the south.
"Yankee queer" – This lovely phrase is aimed at anyone who can be identified as not from Ozark and who has done something to upset a local.
... sigh
What to get the guitarist on your Holiday Gift list.
I am sure this isn't ground breaking to some of you, but Gibson has released a really cool self-tuning Les Paul called the Robot Guitar (http://www.gibson.com/robotguitar/) which appears to be pretty badass. But that may just be the toy aspect of it. I have no idea if it weights a ton or how much of a pain in the ass it is to restring but I thought it was pretty cool. But if it is worth it and not too heavy and so on but you don't want to buy a new Les Paul another company, called TransPerformance (http://www.transperformance.com/), sells a competing robot-tuning system that the company installs itself into a Les Paul, or a Fender Telecaster or Stratocaster guitar.
And if that wasn't cool enough, Stevie Ray Vaughn's "Lenny" Strat goes on sale in two days (http://gc.guitarcenter.com/guitars/legends-collection/legends-lenny.cfm).
What's a few grand when it comes to the holiday spirit, right?
And if that wasn't cool enough, Stevie Ray Vaughn's "Lenny" Strat goes on sale in two days (http://gc.guitarcenter.com/guitars/legends-collection/legends-lenny.cfm).
What's a few grand when it comes to the holiday spirit, right?
This just struck me a funny
I get an e-mail from one of my buddies that he is getting a tee time for the weekend and wants to know who all is in. Do you really have to ask? I mean come on, it's golf, hell yeah I am in. So we decide to play this muni, which I have only been to once or maybe twice, just for a change. I am not a bug fan of munis because anyone with enough cash to cover the green fees can play and that is typically the way it is, but who cares. I was out with my boys and we were having a good time.
Just about the time we were hitting our approach shots on the 9th we realized that we need to stop at the turn and replenish our refreshments so to speak.
Normal situation while in the club house, get beer, hit the head, buy cigars and whatnot.
Out we walk from the back of the clubhouse and what do I see? This ….
Dude! Someone vandalized your cart! What? You mean you wanted to paint it like that? Ooook.
I got nothing against NASCAR but I never thought that NASCAR and golf would ever mix. With NASCAR everyone is yelling and raising hell, with golf everyone is quiet and patient. With NASCAR you do the same thing over and over again but with golf every hole is different. With NASCAR the fans are drunk, with golf the players are drunk, well sometimes :). With NASCAR everyone tailgates prior to the race, with golf everyone hangs out after the round.
I would have never thought that these two sports would ever find a way to cross paths, but then I got to thinking about it. And these two have a big common interest, advertising. The cars in NASCAR are covered with stickers of sponsors the same is true with golfers. Well, not exactly, with golf the advertisers are a little more subtle, oh and they're not stickers. But they have advertisements all over then, hell I think John Daily would wear a Tampax logo if they paid him. So I guess I can see the common thread but it was still a bit surprising to see the Jeff Gordon-mobile E-Z-GO at the bag drop. But the funny thing about all of this is how proud this guy was of it. When I asked him if I could get a picture of it (no idea why I asked, what was he going to do to stop me) he said "Yeah, and can you send me a copy of it because next week I am painting like Dale Earnhardt's car as a tribute to the Intimidator"… I shit you not.
I ... I … I just don't know what to say.
Just about the time we were hitting our approach shots on the 9th we realized that we need to stop at the turn and replenish our refreshments so to speak.
Normal situation while in the club house, get beer, hit the head, buy cigars and whatnot.
Out we walk from the back of the clubhouse and what do I see? This ….
Dude! Someone vandalized your cart! What? You mean you wanted to paint it like that? Ooook.
I got nothing against NASCAR but I never thought that NASCAR and golf would ever mix. With NASCAR everyone is yelling and raising hell, with golf everyone is quiet and patient. With NASCAR you do the same thing over and over again but with golf every hole is different. With NASCAR the fans are drunk, with golf the players are drunk, well sometimes :). With NASCAR everyone tailgates prior to the race, with golf everyone hangs out after the round.
I would have never thought that these two sports would ever find a way to cross paths, but then I got to thinking about it. And these two have a big common interest, advertising. The cars in NASCAR are covered with stickers of sponsors the same is true with golfers. Well, not exactly, with golf the advertisers are a little more subtle, oh and they're not stickers. But they have advertisements all over then, hell I think John Daily would wear a Tampax logo if they paid him. So I guess I can see the common thread but it was still a bit surprising to see the Jeff Gordon-mobile E-Z-GO at the bag drop. But the funny thing about all of this is how proud this guy was of it. When I asked him if I could get a picture of it (no idea why I asked, what was he going to do to stop me) he said "Yeah, and can you send me a copy of it because next week I am painting like Dale Earnhardt's car as a tribute to the Intimidator"… I shit you not.
I ... I … I just don't know what to say.
This is probably going to piss off some good ole boys
Yesterday a couple of guys that I work with were talking about fishing when one of them mentions something about a collage that they are fans of. A little while later they mentioned something about being champions, since collage football season is drawing to a close I was under the impression that they were talking about football, but then I realized that their team didn't win a conference championship, hell that team didn't even play in the championship game. Which made me wonder what they were talking about? I then realized that they were still talking about fishing. Since they were near and are pretty decent guys I joined the conversation for a bit to find out more.
One of the guys said that he read on one of this schools bulletin boards that a couple of guys from this school won a championship in fishing. What? So I shot the breeze with them long enough to get one of them to send me a link to the story he was talking about. One of the funny things about this is that these guys were doing some serious chest thumping over winning a fishing contest or what ever they call them.
I had to read this article, there was something inside me that said I must read this article, I don't know what it was but I knew it was going to be great. I found a lot of the article humorous bordering on cocky. Like this quote "when you fish as much as they do, you know when you're going to get a bite". Really, so why do you sit there for HOURS then? I know that dinner is going to come but I don't sit at the dining room table all day. That quote was followed by this gem "You can almost predict it", see the dinner comment above. If that wasn't enough we have, "Like a well-played game of copycat, a good fisherman knows what the fish want and then emulates it with technique and bait". You mean food? Like this animal that you are trying to trick which has a brain the size of a grape at best is going to have such a complex rational thinking structure that it can tell weather the worm on your hook is plastic or not? Ever think maybe they are just hungry? Nice job Aristotle, you fooled an animal which I had as a child that would jump out of the only substance that would keep it alive. Yeah, I had fish that would jump out of their tank, they are highly intelligent creachers.
Then the writer of the article had to chime in with this ground breaking revelation "Fishing is a sport of patterns", like cast then reel it in, cast, reel it in, cast, reel it in? That kind of pattern?
As I kept reading I came across something that sort of pissed me off. In this article I read and then re-read, then walked away, came back and re-re-read this line "won a $14,000 scholarship". You mean to tell me that you can get a scholarship for fishing? For fishing!?!? It's not even a sport, hell it's not even a game. It's … it's… it's just luck! I think that they should call it that, luck. That's all you do is sit there and put something that looks like crap that a fish would eat into the water and wait and hope that a hungry fish comes swimming along. I play a wicked game of Lotto, I wonder if they offer a scholarship for that.
This is probably going to piss off some good ole boys that will more than likely e-mail me starting with "Man, you just don't know. Fishing is …"
I got nothing against fishing but come on now.
One of the guys said that he read on one of this schools bulletin boards that a couple of guys from this school won a championship in fishing. What? So I shot the breeze with them long enough to get one of them to send me a link to the story he was talking about. One of the funny things about this is that these guys were doing some serious chest thumping over winning a fishing contest or what ever they call them.
I had to read this article, there was something inside me that said I must read this article, I don't know what it was but I knew it was going to be great. I found a lot of the article humorous bordering on cocky. Like this quote "when you fish as much as they do, you know when you're going to get a bite". Really, so why do you sit there for HOURS then? I know that dinner is going to come but I don't sit at the dining room table all day. That quote was followed by this gem "You can almost predict it", see the dinner comment above. If that wasn't enough we have, "Like a well-played game of copycat, a good fisherman knows what the fish want and then emulates it with technique and bait". You mean food? Like this animal that you are trying to trick which has a brain the size of a grape at best is going to have such a complex rational thinking structure that it can tell weather the worm on your hook is plastic or not? Ever think maybe they are just hungry? Nice job Aristotle, you fooled an animal which I had as a child that would jump out of the only substance that would keep it alive. Yeah, I had fish that would jump out of their tank, they are highly intelligent creachers.
Then the writer of the article had to chime in with this ground breaking revelation "Fishing is a sport of patterns", like cast then reel it in, cast, reel it in, cast, reel it in? That kind of pattern?
As I kept reading I came across something that sort of pissed me off. In this article I read and then re-read, then walked away, came back and re-re-read this line "won a $14,000 scholarship". You mean to tell me that you can get a scholarship for fishing? For fishing!?!? It's not even a sport, hell it's not even a game. It's … it's… it's just luck! I think that they should call it that, luck. That's all you do is sit there and put something that looks like crap that a fish would eat into the water and wait and hope that a hungry fish comes swimming along. I play a wicked game of Lotto, I wonder if they offer a scholarship for that.
This is probably going to piss off some good ole boys that will more than likely e-mail me starting with "Man, you just don't know. Fishing is …"
I got nothing against fishing but come on now.
Oh god, I feel ill
I just got some TERRIBLE news. I ... I just don't know what to say. Just check out the link.
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hHUnnILZDbNx5iOSKpm7mvRQQeFgD8SUB4BG0
Attica! Attica! Attica! This is an injustice, a travesty if you will!
Cue the funeral music. *swing low, sweet chariot...
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hHUnnILZDbNx5iOSKpm7mvRQQeFgD8SUB4BG0
Attica! Attica! Attica! This is an injustice, a travesty if you will!
Cue the funeral music. *swing low, sweet chariot...
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Jim, one of the biggest dumbasses I have ever met
Shortly after moving to Texas I began the search for my own place to live. Though some friends I met a guy named Jim. It just so happens that Jim owned a house and was thinking about renting out one of the rooms since he lived alone. It would help him with the mortgage and give him someone to talk to and whatnot. I was not really looking for a roommate but the price was right so I thought I would give it a shot. Other than one past roommate, Tim, all of my other roommate experiences have been hell. I will have to tell you about Nick in another blog to come.
Any way, back to Jim, that idiot that was and still is. In the beginning he seemed like a nice, kind of nerdy, normal guy. But he was just an idiot. Let's see, he is a bit older than I am, ex-military, as far as I knew didn't abuse drugs or booze, had a decent personality, holds down a job as a HVAC guy, but he was just an idiot, as I found out later.
You may be asking "Now Sweezey, why do you think this guy is an idiot?" Well friend, I am glad you asked and I will tell you why. I don't think he is an idiot because he would take a perfectly good cut of beef and pan fry it in butter as opposed to grilling it, nor would I say he is an idiot because he was too cheap to buy coffee filters and stole those brown paper towels from his work to use for a lot of things (including coffee filters) around the house, nor would I say it was because he would use those can air fresheners in every room in the house. Hey it is your house, whore it up all you want. As I have previously stated and as Jim would bring up multiple times in one fashion or another during every conversation, he was in the military which is great, but what is not great is the amount of BS that he forces upon ones auditory senses. Jim likes to talk about how he was "wounded" while in Viet Nam, insert eye roll here. Jim was in Viet Nam that part has been proven, on many occasions. However, what else has been proven is how he got "wounded", this flake lost the tip of one of his fingers in a can opener, A FUCKING CAN OPENER and he is waiting on his metal. Not wounded while fighting off an army of Viet Kong, not wounded while saving a fellow solider, not wounded while escaping from a POW Camp, nope, he got a flesh wound while trying to get into his Beanies and Weenies. This dork thinks he deserves a metal because he is too stupid to work a can opener, A FREAKING CAN OPENER! Not even an electric one, a hand crank one. Forrest did it to himself. But that's not the only reason that he has proven himself worthy of the crown of Idiotroplis, oh no we can't quit there. For some reason he thinks it is impressive to brag about how he does not have felling in two of his fingers because of the military. He will tell you that you could hold a flame to them and he couldn't feel it and wants people to pinch his fingers and stuff like that all the time. I asked him if he would let me slam them in the door but he didn't go for that. So one afternoon he was working on someone's car air conditioning when I come home. I see Jim under the hood of this car and instantly think to myself "where is my video camera?" because I knew something was going to happen, all I had to do was to wait. In an effort to keep from missing the upcoming entertainment, I went inside, got a drink and came back out to watch with some sort of morbid interest. Jim and this guy are trying to trouble shoot why the a/c unit is not working right. Jim goes into the garage and gets his circuit tester and begins trying to find out what is getting electricity and what's not. Jim instructs the guy to start the engine. Ahh yes, the show is about to begin! As a courtesy I went ahead and dialed 9-1 and just waited until I needed to dial the other 1. So there is Jim, randomly piercing wires with this circuit tester (which lights up when a circuit is complete) when I see him going for a group of wires coming out of the alternator. I had to say something, so I said "Hey Jim, I don't think you want to do that, that's the output from the alternator". No sooner had I finished the sentence when Jim began to invent a new dance. I guess it was called the "Bladder Release Jerk" because that's what he did. So Jim goes in and gets some clean pants and comes back out. But now he has decided that the electrical system is good and decides to see if there is enough coolant in the unit. For several minutes he is pumping coolant into this little car compressor when he ask the other guy if he can tell if the unit is getting cold to the touch and that he can't tell because of the numb fingers. The other guy says "Yeah, I guess so" when Jim decides to see if he can tell when all of the sudden BOOM!!! The hose from the compressor burst due to the extreme pressure and shoots Jim out from under the hood and onto the lawn. Without missing a beat I asked Jim if he could feel that and went inside for a refill. What a freaking idiot.
As if that wasn't enough, one day I come home from work on a fall afternoon and Jim is "working" on the cable box. Great, now I need to go to the bookstore. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get HBO or Showtime for free. Well in his infinite wisdom he screwed up the box, just not bad enough that it didn't work any more but it was bad enough that you didn't know what channel you were watching or what channel you were going to. Sort of like a virtual quantum leap. Later that night we are both in the living room watching TV when Jim switches channels and happens to land on a news broadcast, the weather segment to be specific. And it was a doozy, it would appear that a sever cold front was blowing in. Since Jim works outside mostly he went off to get some weather appropriate clothes ready for the next day. You know, for that cold front that was blowing in, into Chicago! Nostraidiot didn't wait for the end of the broadcast where they tell you that you what is coming up next on WGN. Ironically, it was really warm in Dallas the next day, Jim had sweat his ass off all day. Tisk tisk.
But what really put him in the idiot record books is when he tried to explain the internet to me against my will. Not that I wasn't interested in the internet but I already had a pretty good grip on how it works and didn't need Idioitasaurous Rex to try to explain it to me. In an attempt to humor him I decided that I would let him say his little spill and then haul ass without asking any questions, which would have prolonged the suffering for me. The jest of what the Idiotatola Khomeini was saying was that the entire internet consists of 6 CD ROMs on a computer in California. Yep, you got it. All of the information on the internet, all of the webpages, all of the data files, everything is on 6 CDs on a computer in California. Please god don't ever let this guy get elected president.
None of this would have been a big deal but Jim began to want the rent weekly and often forgot that I paid him the week before. I took pity on the idiot at first, then it became and epidemic and I had to find a more suitable living arrangement. I proposed that we use a calendar and not have to rely on anyone's memory and that way there would be no questions, but he didn't want to go for that. The final straw was when I came home one Friday after work and the house is full of these little girls. You see the people that I met Jim through had moved over seas because the husband's job transferred him. Well they had a daughter that I later figured out that Jim must have been hot for. So he would gather all of this girls friends together, bring them over to the house and call the family, you know so that these little girls could talk to their friend. Oh hell no pervy, I got to cut bait now. I won't even go into all of the creepy stuff he did in regards to that.
I wonder if he ever figured out what happened to his toothbrush. You will have to ask about that one, not going to post it on here.
Any way, back to Jim, that idiot that was and still is. In the beginning he seemed like a nice, kind of nerdy, normal guy. But he was just an idiot. Let's see, he is a bit older than I am, ex-military, as far as I knew didn't abuse drugs or booze, had a decent personality, holds down a job as a HVAC guy, but he was just an idiot, as I found out later.
You may be asking "Now Sweezey, why do you think this guy is an idiot?" Well friend, I am glad you asked and I will tell you why. I don't think he is an idiot because he would take a perfectly good cut of beef and pan fry it in butter as opposed to grilling it, nor would I say he is an idiot because he was too cheap to buy coffee filters and stole those brown paper towels from his work to use for a lot of things (including coffee filters) around the house, nor would I say it was because he would use those can air fresheners in every room in the house. Hey it is your house, whore it up all you want. As I have previously stated and as Jim would bring up multiple times in one fashion or another during every conversation, he was in the military which is great, but what is not great is the amount of BS that he forces upon ones auditory senses. Jim likes to talk about how he was "wounded" while in Viet Nam, insert eye roll here. Jim was in Viet Nam that part has been proven, on many occasions. However, what else has been proven is how he got "wounded", this flake lost the tip of one of his fingers in a can opener, A FUCKING CAN OPENER and he is waiting on his metal. Not wounded while fighting off an army of Viet Kong, not wounded while saving a fellow solider, not wounded while escaping from a POW Camp, nope, he got a flesh wound while trying to get into his Beanies and Weenies. This dork thinks he deserves a metal because he is too stupid to work a can opener, A FREAKING CAN OPENER! Not even an electric one, a hand crank one. Forrest did it to himself. But that's not the only reason that he has proven himself worthy of the crown of Idiotroplis, oh no we can't quit there. For some reason he thinks it is impressive to brag about how he does not have felling in two of his fingers because of the military. He will tell you that you could hold a flame to them and he couldn't feel it and wants people to pinch his fingers and stuff like that all the time. I asked him if he would let me slam them in the door but he didn't go for that. So one afternoon he was working on someone's car air conditioning when I come home. I see Jim under the hood of this car and instantly think to myself "where is my video camera?" because I knew something was going to happen, all I had to do was to wait. In an effort to keep from missing the upcoming entertainment, I went inside, got a drink and came back out to watch with some sort of morbid interest. Jim and this guy are trying to trouble shoot why the a/c unit is not working right. Jim goes into the garage and gets his circuit tester and begins trying to find out what is getting electricity and what's not. Jim instructs the guy to start the engine. Ahh yes, the show is about to begin! As a courtesy I went ahead and dialed 9-1 and just waited until I needed to dial the other 1. So there is Jim, randomly piercing wires with this circuit tester (which lights up when a circuit is complete) when I see him going for a group of wires coming out of the alternator. I had to say something, so I said "Hey Jim, I don't think you want to do that, that's the output from the alternator". No sooner had I finished the sentence when Jim began to invent a new dance. I guess it was called the "Bladder Release Jerk" because that's what he did. So Jim goes in and gets some clean pants and comes back out. But now he has decided that the electrical system is good and decides to see if there is enough coolant in the unit. For several minutes he is pumping coolant into this little car compressor when he ask the other guy if he can tell if the unit is getting cold to the touch and that he can't tell because of the numb fingers. The other guy says "Yeah, I guess so" when Jim decides to see if he can tell when all of the sudden BOOM!!! The hose from the compressor burst due to the extreme pressure and shoots Jim out from under the hood and onto the lawn. Without missing a beat I asked Jim if he could feel that and went inside for a refill. What a freaking idiot.
As if that wasn't enough, one day I come home from work on a fall afternoon and Jim is "working" on the cable box. Great, now I need to go to the bookstore. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get HBO or Showtime for free. Well in his infinite wisdom he screwed up the box, just not bad enough that it didn't work any more but it was bad enough that you didn't know what channel you were watching or what channel you were going to. Sort of like a virtual quantum leap. Later that night we are both in the living room watching TV when Jim switches channels and happens to land on a news broadcast, the weather segment to be specific. And it was a doozy, it would appear that a sever cold front was blowing in. Since Jim works outside mostly he went off to get some weather appropriate clothes ready for the next day. You know, for that cold front that was blowing in, into Chicago! Nostraidiot didn't wait for the end of the broadcast where they tell you that you what is coming up next on WGN. Ironically, it was really warm in Dallas the next day, Jim had sweat his ass off all day. Tisk tisk.
But what really put him in the idiot record books is when he tried to explain the internet to me against my will. Not that I wasn't interested in the internet but I already had a pretty good grip on how it works and didn't need Idioitasaurous Rex to try to explain it to me. In an attempt to humor him I decided that I would let him say his little spill and then haul ass without asking any questions, which would have prolonged the suffering for me. The jest of what the Idiotatola Khomeini was saying was that the entire internet consists of 6 CD ROMs on a computer in California. Yep, you got it. All of the information on the internet, all of the webpages, all of the data files, everything is on 6 CDs on a computer in California. Please god don't ever let this guy get elected president.
None of this would have been a big deal but Jim began to want the rent weekly and often forgot that I paid him the week before. I took pity on the idiot at first, then it became and epidemic and I had to find a more suitable living arrangement. I proposed that we use a calendar and not have to rely on anyone's memory and that way there would be no questions, but he didn't want to go for that. The final straw was when I came home one Friday after work and the house is full of these little girls. You see the people that I met Jim through had moved over seas because the husband's job transferred him. Well they had a daughter that I later figured out that Jim must have been hot for. So he would gather all of this girls friends together, bring them over to the house and call the family, you know so that these little girls could talk to their friend. Oh hell no pervy, I got to cut bait now. I won't even go into all of the creepy stuff he did in regards to that.
I wonder if he ever figured out what happened to his toothbrush. You will have to ask about that one, not going to post it on here.
Humane?
Earlier this week I was in this three day seminar. During this seminar we had lunch catered each day. As is typical in most seminars, during breaks we all sort of get to know each other if we don't already. Mostly small talk, what do you do for fun, where are you from, have any hobbies, and so on. Usually light hearted and often very comical. Most of the break time during these three days was much the same, except for this break we took just before lunch on the second day. We came to a stopping point and the chit chat begins. The subject of what was for lunch that day came up and we began to comment on the previous days selections. About this time the food was delivered and one of the co-seminarians (is that really a word?) asked the presenter if he knew what time he was going to start back up. He lets her know about when he was planning to start back and asked her why. She mentions that she would like to step out during lunch. And he asked if she would like to have something set aside for her. You could really tell that she didn't want to be put in the spotlight but the rest of the room had gotten quite and was watching the exchange between them, when she casually mentioned that no, she would be fine. The presenter, very politely I might add, asked again if she was sure because she might get hungry. He was being very courteous and actually just trying to make sure that she didn't miss anything. She very nicely mentions that is the very reason why she was going to step out and that she had recently become vegan. Which is totally cool, but you would have thought that she said she was going to go on a shooting spree or something. She was hit with this onslaught of questions about why and how long and on and on and on. To which she would answer and simply state that it was no big deal, but there was nothing that was brought to us that she cared to eat. I mean she was being totally cool about it but you would think she was getting subpoenaed.
Over the course of the questioning the conversation somehow turned to hunting. The presenter said that he could never go hunting and that he just didn't think he could shoot anything, which is fine. Another person even mentioned that they didn't like to think of anything that they have ever eaten as being alive. There were a few other comments about hunting when this one guys asked the vegan girl if she eats fish, she replied that no, fish are animals and that she chose not to eat any animals or animal by products. But this is when something sort of odd happened. Some, if not all, of the anti hunting people said that they liked fish and liked to go fishing. Being the a-hole that I am, I decided to stir the pot, so to speak, and ask why they didn't like hunting, specifically deer. To which I got pretty much the same answer from everyone, it was inhumane. Ok, this is a joke right? I am not saying that it IS humane, but it got me to thinking. And I had to ask "so you some how feel that it is less humane to shoot an animal where the animal quite possibly dies instantly and never knew they had been shot nor felt pain as opposed to dragging an animal by it's face against it's will through water with a metal barbed hook shoved through it's face that you put there?" Man I really got to reevaluate "humane".
Over the course of the questioning the conversation somehow turned to hunting. The presenter said that he could never go hunting and that he just didn't think he could shoot anything, which is fine. Another person even mentioned that they didn't like to think of anything that they have ever eaten as being alive. There were a few other comments about hunting when this one guys asked the vegan girl if she eats fish, she replied that no, fish are animals and that she chose not to eat any animals or animal by products. But this is when something sort of odd happened. Some, if not all, of the anti hunting people said that they liked fish and liked to go fishing. Being the a-hole that I am, I decided to stir the pot, so to speak, and ask why they didn't like hunting, specifically deer. To which I got pretty much the same answer from everyone, it was inhumane. Ok, this is a joke right? I am not saying that it IS humane, but it got me to thinking. And I had to ask "so you some how feel that it is less humane to shoot an animal where the animal quite possibly dies instantly and never knew they had been shot nor felt pain as opposed to dragging an animal by it's face against it's will through water with a metal barbed hook shoved through it's face that you put there?" Man I really got to reevaluate "humane".
Things that I miss
As I am sitting here bored, I was just thinking of a list of things that I miss. This may only make sense to Ozark people.
- I miss the way that Y&T's "Summer Time Girls" used to be an anthem for warm weather.
- I miss having summers off.
- I miss the audience participation part of "Mony Mony" at La Vela.
- I miss figuring out what I was doing on Friday and Saturday nights being my biggest concern.
- I miss "rocking out" (LOL) to The Cars/Cheap Trick/The Who.
- I miss wondering which character in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" that I would be.
- I miss cranking up the Ozzy with the T-Tops off. (Redneck or not, I am going to bring T-Tops back)
- I miss side of the road parties out in the country (The stop sign, the barn, the old house, Hollywood, San Quentin (who the hell named that one?) or the clay pit)
- I miss staying out until the sun comes up and then sleeping all day.
- I miss $5 keg parties with a band.
- I miss the most beautiful beaches in the world being just over an hour away and taking off for them when I wanted.
- I miss Panama City Beach being this little town supported by locals and snowbirds.
- I miss "Fins UP!"
- I miss when one of my friends would put out the call "Regulators, Mount Up!" when we would head out to a party.
- I kind of miss the Martindale 500.
- I miss the days when 15 friends would pile into one hotel room at the beach.
- I miss being excited about spring break (AEA).
- I miss Cross Roads Jam.
- I miss staying up all night with friends laughing until your face hurts every weekend.
- I miss when MTV actually had music videos on it.
- I miss concerts at arcades.
- I miss pulling brodys on country roads.
- I miss hanging out at the river on Sundays.
- I miss "Night Flight" and "Radio 1990".
- I miss the most important thing about a car being that it ran.
- I miss the second most important thing about a car being stereo/rims/window tint.
- I miss being more worried about my parents finding out than I was about the cops finding out.
- I miss being excited about the new Van Halen/Motley Crue/Ratt/Guns N' Roses/Dokken/Tesla/Ozzy album coming out.
- I miss bonfire parties out in the country.
- I miss hearing "We're not going to need this any more" as the top of a fifth of bourbon flys out the cab of a truck window on a Friday/Saturday night.
- I miss when preparing for a beach trip meant getting some cash & packing a toothbrush and a change of clothes.
- I miss senior skip day.
I hate growing old!!!!
- I miss the way that Y&T's "Summer Time Girls" used to be an anthem for warm weather.
- I miss having summers off.
- I miss the audience participation part of "Mony Mony" at La Vela.
- I miss figuring out what I was doing on Friday and Saturday nights being my biggest concern.
- I miss "rocking out" (LOL) to The Cars/Cheap Trick/The Who.
- I miss wondering which character in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" that I would be.
- I miss cranking up the Ozzy with the T-Tops off. (Redneck or not, I am going to bring T-Tops back)
- I miss side of the road parties out in the country (The stop sign, the barn, the old house, Hollywood, San Quentin (who the hell named that one?) or the clay pit)
- I miss staying out until the sun comes up and then sleeping all day.
- I miss $5 keg parties with a band.
- I miss the most beautiful beaches in the world being just over an hour away and taking off for them when I wanted.
- I miss Panama City Beach being this little town supported by locals and snowbirds.
- I miss "Fins UP!"
- I miss when one of my friends would put out the call "Regulators, Mount Up!" when we would head out to a party.
- I kind of miss the Martindale 500.
- I miss the days when 15 friends would pile into one hotel room at the beach.
- I miss being excited about spring break (AEA).
- I miss Cross Roads Jam.
- I miss staying up all night with friends laughing until your face hurts every weekend.
- I miss when MTV actually had music videos on it.
- I miss concerts at arcades.
- I miss pulling brodys on country roads.
- I miss hanging out at the river on Sundays.
- I miss "Night Flight" and "Radio 1990".
- I miss the most important thing about a car being that it ran.
- I miss the second most important thing about a car being stereo/rims/window tint.
- I miss being more worried about my parents finding out than I was about the cops finding out.
- I miss being excited about the new Van Halen/Motley Crue/Ratt/Guns N' Roses/Dokken/Tesla/Ozzy album coming out.
- I miss bonfire parties out in the country.
- I miss hearing "We're not going to need this any more" as the top of a fifth of bourbon flys out the cab of a truck window on a Friday/Saturday night.
- I miss when preparing for a beach trip meant getting some cash & packing a toothbrush and a change of clothes.
- I miss senior skip day.
I hate growing old!!!!
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Halloween Spirits (like ghost, not the good kind like Hunch Punch)
Since Halloween is in a couple of days there has been a barrage of Ghost this and Haunted that shows on television. And the same kind of stuff on a lot of radio morning shows. Which is fine, it's seasonal.
And I'll admit that I find some of the shows interesting and but these "psychics" who channel and all of this other BS is just comical. I saw one where this guy was going into a convulsion and his voice change and blah, blah, blah, give me a break. Then there was this chick with her divining rods where they would cross when there was a spirit near by. How about they would cross when you tilted your hands in a certain direction? Ever think of that?
And why do people play "Tubular Bells" as a music bed for some of these shows? That is from "The Exorcist", not "Halloween". "The Exorcist", boys and girls, took place in January, not October. Oh and the line "The power of Christ compels you" is from the Exorcist too. Get your horror movies straight!
But I just wonder, why do ghost only come out at night? Do they have a day job and can't take off or something? I just don't get why all of this stuff has to take place at night. If you got ghost, wouldn't you have ghost 24/7?
I am not saying that ghost do or don't exist, I don't know either. But some of this stuff is a bit of a stretch to me. We are building a house and the other day my wife dropped her camera and stirred up some saw dust, it was "orb" central in the next few pictures she took. I guess I better call the Ghostbusters, or maybe I should call the dustbusters! Ya think?
But one of the things that I wonder the most about is how is Parker Brothers able to mass produce portals to hell? All of these radio shows and a bunch of these TV shows have someone with a Ouija board. You know you are a bad Mo-Fo if you can produce a gateway to the other side at will.
And I'll admit that I find some of the shows interesting and but these "psychics" who channel and all of this other BS is just comical. I saw one where this guy was going into a convulsion and his voice change and blah, blah, blah, give me a break. Then there was this chick with her divining rods where they would cross when there was a spirit near by. How about they would cross when you tilted your hands in a certain direction? Ever think of that?
And why do people play "Tubular Bells" as a music bed for some of these shows? That is from "The Exorcist", not "Halloween". "The Exorcist", boys and girls, took place in January, not October. Oh and the line "The power of Christ compels you" is from the Exorcist too. Get your horror movies straight!
But I just wonder, why do ghost only come out at night? Do they have a day job and can't take off or something? I just don't get why all of this stuff has to take place at night. If you got ghost, wouldn't you have ghost 24/7?
I am not saying that ghost do or don't exist, I don't know either. But some of this stuff is a bit of a stretch to me. We are building a house and the other day my wife dropped her camera and stirred up some saw dust, it was "orb" central in the next few pictures she took. I guess I better call the Ghostbusters, or maybe I should call the dustbusters! Ya think?
But one of the things that I wonder the most about is how is Parker Brothers able to mass produce portals to hell? All of these radio shows and a bunch of these TV shows have someone with a Ouija board. You know you are a bad Mo-Fo if you can produce a gateway to the other side at will.
I am starting to worry about myself
Saturday night we went to a wine tasting with some friends. This was kind of a class on wines, which wines go with which foods, what to look for in a wine and so on. Well I must have tasted a lot more wine than I thought I had.
I woke up Sunday to find some blog scribblings. That's not the part that scares me, what scares me is WHAT I was going to blog about.
I guess I had the idea that I would write in my blog when I got home. I was writing about how I was wondering how fish know who has the right of way. Yeah, same thing I said, WTF? I had something to the effect of there are millions of fish in the ocean but you never see them run into each other, how do they know who has right of way under water. I mean the visual of a couple of fish swimming into each other is funny, little fish fender-bender, but why in the hell was I thinking about this? Who is watching fish swim in the ocean and how do we know they don't swim right smack into each other now that I think about it. I had all kinds of details and questions about this subject. Apparently in my drunken stupor I was really sweating aquatic rules of the wildlife road. But where does a retarded idea like that come from? Seriously I am starting to wonder about myself.
I woke up Sunday to find some blog scribblings. That's not the part that scares me, what scares me is WHAT I was going to blog about.
I guess I had the idea that I would write in my blog when I got home. I was writing about how I was wondering how fish know who has the right of way. Yeah, same thing I said, WTF? I had something to the effect of there are millions of fish in the ocean but you never see them run into each other, how do they know who has right of way under water. I mean the visual of a couple of fish swimming into each other is funny, little fish fender-bender, but why in the hell was I thinking about this? Who is watching fish swim in the ocean and how do we know they don't swim right smack into each other now that I think about it. I had all kinds of details and questions about this subject. Apparently in my drunken stupor I was really sweating aquatic rules of the wildlife road. But where does a retarded idea like that come from? Seriously I am starting to wonder about myself.
House Fire
Periodically we get these fliers at the house where someone is coming to our area and for a small fee of usually $10 to $20 they will paint our house numbers on the curb out in front of our house. The theory is that it will help people find our house, even though the numbers are on the house.
One day I am doing something in the front yard when one of these guys comes to leave a flier. He ask me if I was interested in getting my house numbers painted in reflective paint on my curb using a 4 inch stencil. Of course I told him nope. Which he should have left at that, but NOOOO he had to keep trying to make a sale. So he asks why I wouldn't. To which I asked him why would I?
I can paint my own numbers on my curb if I wanted them on there. So he tells me that it is to help the fire department find my house if it caught on fire. Are you F'ing kidding me? I can't believe that is his sales pitch.
I tell him no thanks and continue doing what I was doing. I am trying to be nice here by the way. But he just doesn't get it. He doesn't realize that no matter how hard he tries to sale me on it that I am not going to give him $10 to paint my curb.
So there I am trying to ignore him when he says "wouldn't you want the fire department to be able to find your house if it caught on fire?" Is he for real? To which I say to him "Hey, don't you think the smoke boiling out of my house would be a hint? I am pretty sure firemen, of all people, can see smoke." Then he comes back with (what I am sure in his head was a great point) "What if it caught on fire at night? You see the paint is reflective." I really hated to bust his bubble but he was starting to annoy me, so I replay with "Fire emits light dip shit, pretty sure firemen can see flames too. Move it along."
Like some reflective Krylon is going to be brighter than a house fire.
One day I am doing something in the front yard when one of these guys comes to leave a flier. He ask me if I was interested in getting my house numbers painted in reflective paint on my curb using a 4 inch stencil. Of course I told him nope. Which he should have left at that, but NOOOO he had to keep trying to make a sale. So he asks why I wouldn't. To which I asked him why would I?
I can paint my own numbers on my curb if I wanted them on there. So he tells me that it is to help the fire department find my house if it caught on fire. Are you F'ing kidding me? I can't believe that is his sales pitch.
I tell him no thanks and continue doing what I was doing. I am trying to be nice here by the way. But he just doesn't get it. He doesn't realize that no matter how hard he tries to sale me on it that I am not going to give him $10 to paint my curb.
So there I am trying to ignore him when he says "wouldn't you want the fire department to be able to find your house if it caught on fire?" Is he for real? To which I say to him "Hey, don't you think the smoke boiling out of my house would be a hint? I am pretty sure firemen, of all people, can see smoke." Then he comes back with (what I am sure in his head was a great point) "What if it caught on fire at night? You see the paint is reflective." I really hated to bust his bubble but he was starting to annoy me, so I replay with "Fire emits light dip shit, pretty sure firemen can see flames too. Move it along."
Like some reflective Krylon is going to be brighter than a house fire.
More Why’s?
- Why do people tell other people to "have a good day"? As opposed to what? Have a bad day?
- Why can't I choke some of these stupid m&%*r f*&^rs? Come on, just once. It would make me feel better.
- Why do my kids always wake me from a nap by hitting me in the nuts?
- Why does tequila always sound like a good idea?
- Why does my neighbor always want to try to talk to me when I am cutting grass? Does he actually think that I can hear him?
- Why is it that most people who give unsolicited advice won't take it?
- Why is it acceptable for a complete stranger to come up and touch a woman's stomach if they are pregnant?
- Why is it that every time I hear the song "Lunatic Fringe" by the band Red Rider in my head I hear "Now appearing on the main stage …"?
- Why can't I choke some of these stupid m&%*r f*&^rs? Come on, just once. It would make me feel better.
- Why do my kids always wake me from a nap by hitting me in the nuts?
- Why does tequila always sound like a good idea?
- Why does my neighbor always want to try to talk to me when I am cutting grass? Does he actually think that I can hear him?
- Why is it that most people who give unsolicited advice won't take it?
- Why is it acceptable for a complete stranger to come up and touch a woman's stomach if they are pregnant?
- Why is it that every time I hear the song "Lunatic Fringe" by the band Red Rider in my head I hear "Now appearing on the main stage …"?
Uncle Max
My buddy Matt's uncle, Max, has a little "issue" with booze. So much so that after one doctor's visit Max learned that he had an estimated 8% of his liver function left.
So in an effort to help Uncle Max dry out Matt's mom moved Max in with them once when Matt was in high school. The story goes that Max drank so much that even after three days of not drinking while at Matt's house Max was still drunk. Uncle Max knows how to party!
One day during Max's little stay at Matt's house Matt's mom was making some stew in the crock-pot. So Matt gets home from school and Max comes to after a while. Smelling the stew cooking Max ask Matt if he would get him some of the stew. Matt tells him sure and that he will put it on the dining room table.
Matt goes into the kitchen and gets a spoon and napkin and takes them to the dining room table. He then goes back into the kitchen to get a bowl of stew for himself and Uncle Max. While he is pouring the stew into the bowls he hears this strange scraping sound. He stops and listens for the sound and after a second or two he hears it again. After going to investigate he follows the sound to the dining room where he finds the noise. Max is now sitting at the dinning room table with a spoon in hand SCRAPING the finish off of the table and EATING IT!
Max notices Matt standing there and says "Can I have a glass of water? This stew is dry." Ummm, yeah…
So in an effort to help Uncle Max dry out Matt's mom moved Max in with them once when Matt was in high school. The story goes that Max drank so much that even after three days of not drinking while at Matt's house Max was still drunk. Uncle Max knows how to party!
One day during Max's little stay at Matt's house Matt's mom was making some stew in the crock-pot. So Matt gets home from school and Max comes to after a while. Smelling the stew cooking Max ask Matt if he would get him some of the stew. Matt tells him sure and that he will put it on the dining room table.
Matt goes into the kitchen and gets a spoon and napkin and takes them to the dining room table. He then goes back into the kitchen to get a bowl of stew for himself and Uncle Max. While he is pouring the stew into the bowls he hears this strange scraping sound. He stops and listens for the sound and after a second or two he hears it again. After going to investigate he follows the sound to the dining room where he finds the noise. Max is now sitting at the dinning room table with a spoon in hand SCRAPING the finish off of the table and EATING IT!
Max notices Matt standing there and says "Can I have a glass of water? This stew is dry." Ummm, yeah…
Why?
- Why is it so hard for someone to clear the unused time off of the microwave?
- Why is it so hard for people to make more coffee?
- Why do people feel the need to cut across multiple lanes of traffic to make an exit? Couldn't you just go to the next exit and turn around? Or, oh I don't know, maybe pay attention to what you are doing?
- Why is it that every time I hit a monster drive, my putting falls apart?
- Why is it that the traffic on the drive home sucks the energy right out of me?
- Why is it that people can sue for anything?
- Why is it that I always feel like working out when I am in a position where I can't?
- Why is it that they can't get my food/drink order right?
- Why do the stores already have the Christmas stuff out?
- Why is it that I always want something?
- Why is it that people can't be responsible for themselves?
- Why is it that I expect more from the people around me than I do everyone else?
- Why do I get all of these porno myspace friend request?
- Why didn't I find out about Wesley Willis sooner?
- Why can't I find my Korg tuner?
- Why can't I find enough time to do the things that I would like to do?
- Why do I keep having these weird dreams?
- Why did the Van Halen brothers loose their minds?
- Why is it that because I drive fast that every punk under 30 thinks that I am trying to race them?
- Why is it that the people who are most beneficial to society are paid the least?
- Why is it that there are commercials asking people to give money for homeless/hungry in other countries when we have multiple thousands of the same here?
- Why is it that I always forget about the left-over's in the fridge?
- Why do people talk on cell phones while in public restrooms?
- Why do food delivery trucks only list fish on the back of them?
- Why am I already in the holiday spirit?
- Why are me and my friends such a-holes?
- Why do I keep loosing socks and underwear?
- Why is it that most of the people that I see speeding through school zones are in mini vans?
- Why is it that I think about weird things all of the time?
- Why is it that I feel like such an ass when I discipline my children or tell them no?
- Why is it that I can't sing? No, really, I mean it. I suck.
- Why is it that the little devil guy on my shoulder is always more convincing?
- Why do I love beer so much?
- Why can't I be in Mexico right now?
- Why is it that one bad hole can jack up my entire round?
- Why is it so hard for people to make more coffee?
- Why do people feel the need to cut across multiple lanes of traffic to make an exit? Couldn't you just go to the next exit and turn around? Or, oh I don't know, maybe pay attention to what you are doing?
- Why is it that every time I hit a monster drive, my putting falls apart?
- Why is it that the traffic on the drive home sucks the energy right out of me?
- Why is it that people can sue for anything?
- Why is it that I always feel like working out when I am in a position where I can't?
- Why is it that they can't get my food/drink order right?
- Why do the stores already have the Christmas stuff out?
- Why is it that I always want something?
- Why is it that people can't be responsible for themselves?
- Why is it that I expect more from the people around me than I do everyone else?
- Why do I get all of these porno myspace friend request?
- Why didn't I find out about Wesley Willis sooner?
- Why can't I find my Korg tuner?
- Why can't I find enough time to do the things that I would like to do?
- Why do I keep having these weird dreams?
- Why did the Van Halen brothers loose their minds?
- Why is it that because I drive fast that every punk under 30 thinks that I am trying to race them?
- Why is it that the people who are most beneficial to society are paid the least?
- Why is it that there are commercials asking people to give money for homeless/hungry in other countries when we have multiple thousands of the same here?
- Why is it that I always forget about the left-over's in the fridge?
- Why do people talk on cell phones while in public restrooms?
- Why do food delivery trucks only list fish on the back of them?
- Why am I already in the holiday spirit?
- Why are me and my friends such a-holes?
- Why do I keep loosing socks and underwear?
- Why is it that most of the people that I see speeding through school zones are in mini vans?
- Why is it that I think about weird things all of the time?
- Why is it that I feel like such an ass when I discipline my children or tell them no?
- Why is it that I can't sing? No, really, I mean it. I suck.
- Why is it that the little devil guy on my shoulder is always more convincing?
- Why do I love beer so much?
- Why can't I be in Mexico right now?
- Why is it that one bad hole can jack up my entire round?
Sack and Save
I have a friend named Matt who has a home life that would give Jerry Springer a boner.
He has a raging alcoholic uncle named Max, who we will hear about later. His mother divorced his father and married her ex-husband's brother, who Matt refers to as "Uncle Step-dad". Therefore making Matt his own first cousin, which has to cut down on the cost of family reunions. There is also his sister who used to date women but is now married and has children that Matt loves to introduce as a "recovering lesbian".
So this leaves Matt's dad. From what I know, he is a nice guy, hard worker and all of that good stuff. His dad works for a major electronics manufacturer and has to travel to Asia regularly. You know how when someone goes somewhere they bring their loved ones back a t-shirt or a knick knack as a souvenir? Matt's dad brought him back a step-mom. I don't know all of the details, but on one of his dads business trips he brought back this woman and married her.
So one day, several years back, Matt and his mommason are at the grocery store. After they gather all of their items they head to the checkout. There is a middle eastern woman behind the counter ringing up their groceries. The cashier ask Matt's mom if she had any coupons. Matt's step-mother didn't understand what the lady said and asked her to repeat it. About this time another lady walks up to the conveyer and starts to unload her basket. Again the cashier asked Matt's step-mom if she had any coupons. And again, Matt's step-mother said that she didn't understand her and asked her to repeat it one more time. The cashier turns to the lady who walked up and says in her thick accent and I quote "These foreigners, they don't speak good English". This pisses Matt's step-mother off and she says in her heavy accent "Oh! I don't speaka de good Engrish? You don't speaka good Engrish!! You understanda FUCK YOU!!" and gives the cashier the finger.
Thank god they didn't throw down, I would have hated to have had an "International Incident" at the Sack & Save.
He has a raging alcoholic uncle named Max, who we will hear about later. His mother divorced his father and married her ex-husband's brother, who Matt refers to as "Uncle Step-dad". Therefore making Matt his own first cousin, which has to cut down on the cost of family reunions. There is also his sister who used to date women but is now married and has children that Matt loves to introduce as a "recovering lesbian".
So this leaves Matt's dad. From what I know, he is a nice guy, hard worker and all of that good stuff. His dad works for a major electronics manufacturer and has to travel to Asia regularly. You know how when someone goes somewhere they bring their loved ones back a t-shirt or a knick knack as a souvenir? Matt's dad brought him back a step-mom. I don't know all of the details, but on one of his dads business trips he brought back this woman and married her.
So one day, several years back, Matt and his mommason are at the grocery store. After they gather all of their items they head to the checkout. There is a middle eastern woman behind the counter ringing up their groceries. The cashier ask Matt's mom if she had any coupons. Matt's step-mother didn't understand what the lady said and asked her to repeat it. About this time another lady walks up to the conveyer and starts to unload her basket. Again the cashier asked Matt's step-mom if she had any coupons. And again, Matt's step-mother said that she didn't understand her and asked her to repeat it one more time. The cashier turns to the lady who walked up and says in her thick accent and I quote "These foreigners, they don't speak good English". This pisses Matt's step-mother off and she says in her heavy accent "Oh! I don't speaka de good Engrish? You don't speaka good Engrish!! You understanda FUCK YOU!!" and gives the cashier the finger.
Thank god they didn't throw down, I would have hated to have had an "International Incident" at the Sack & Save.
Something that I have never told but just a handful of people.
Several years back I bought my first house. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Beautiful clear spring day, the sun was shining, little puffy white clouds in the sky, a bit breezy, about 80 degrees. Just a perfect day, even if I was writing a huge check.
I close on the house, funding goes through and I get the keys with no problems. Since I had the keys I started to move in. I thought it might be a good idea to get the important stuff taken care of first. So I put my bed together, hook up the washer and dryer, hook up the fridge, unpack my clothes, stuff like that. And I was doing pretty good too. This was probably because I didn't have cable or internet service yet. I mean it was the first day.
I don't know if it was because this was a new-to-me house or if it was because of the kind of friends that I have or what, but I kept hearing what I thought were strange things. Like I would hear the storm door open and close, but no one would knock or ring the bell. This didn't bother me at first, but then it kept happening as the day turned to night. Now it is dark out and this is my first time in this house other than touring it prior to buying it. And I hear it again, the storm door opens and shuts but nothing happens. Since I was moving in, I had all of the lights in the house on and was moving from room to room. One time as I was walking by the entry way I heard the storm door open again. Thinking it was someone I know jacking with me, I thought I would turn on the porch light and open the door really fast to bust them. When I opened the door, there was no one there. Damn, they must be fast to get out of sight that quick, haha. So I realize that it is the wind blowing the door around and from what I could tell from a brief inspection the door wouldn't stay closed unless it was locked. So I locked it, no more open and closing, cool.
So there I am being a busy little bee just doing as much as I could to get unpacked and things put where I want them when I realized that I was getting tired. Since I couldn't just flip on the TV I thought the next best thing would be to just go to bed. I am guessing it is around midnight at this point.
I am lying in bed, just about to doze off and I hear a strange noise. I can't really describe it in text but it was almost like a strange squeaking/creaking noise. I sat up for a second, looked around and didn't hear it anymore and just shrugged it off. I lie back down, get comfortable and try to get to sleep when I hear it again. WTF is that noise? So I sit up in bed and really listen to see if I can hear it again. Nothing. Once more I lie down, pull the covers up and try to get some sleep when out of nowhere I hear it again! DAMNIT! What is that noise? So now I am on a mission, it's me or the noise, one of us is going to have to go. So I am looking everywhere, front door, back door, laundry room, under the sink, toilet tank, kitchen, you name it. I even decided to check out the closet. I go and get a chair, why I have no idea, but I decided to check the upper shelf on my master closet. I am all the way in the back of the closet, the light is on and I am standing on a chair with my hand searching the top shelf when I felt something. What is this? I slide it to me and see that it is … a paper mask of Mad magazines Alfred E. Newman that just about made me wet all of my clothes hanging there. I don't know why but to see this weird smiling tooth missing face where the eyes cut out kind of startled me for a second.
Forgetting what I was looking for, I took a deep breath in and out and then I heard the noise again. It was my damn nose whistling! Spring time and allergies are in full force. The creepy sound I was hearing was me, half asleep, exhaling through my congested nose which caused it to whistle.
I close on the house, funding goes through and I get the keys with no problems. Since I had the keys I started to move in. I thought it might be a good idea to get the important stuff taken care of first. So I put my bed together, hook up the washer and dryer, hook up the fridge, unpack my clothes, stuff like that. And I was doing pretty good too. This was probably because I didn't have cable or internet service yet. I mean it was the first day.
I don't know if it was because this was a new-to-me house or if it was because of the kind of friends that I have or what, but I kept hearing what I thought were strange things. Like I would hear the storm door open and close, but no one would knock or ring the bell. This didn't bother me at first, but then it kept happening as the day turned to night. Now it is dark out and this is my first time in this house other than touring it prior to buying it. And I hear it again, the storm door opens and shuts but nothing happens. Since I was moving in, I had all of the lights in the house on and was moving from room to room. One time as I was walking by the entry way I heard the storm door open again. Thinking it was someone I know jacking with me, I thought I would turn on the porch light and open the door really fast to bust them. When I opened the door, there was no one there. Damn, they must be fast to get out of sight that quick, haha. So I realize that it is the wind blowing the door around and from what I could tell from a brief inspection the door wouldn't stay closed unless it was locked. So I locked it, no more open and closing, cool.
So there I am being a busy little bee just doing as much as I could to get unpacked and things put where I want them when I realized that I was getting tired. Since I couldn't just flip on the TV I thought the next best thing would be to just go to bed. I am guessing it is around midnight at this point.
I am lying in bed, just about to doze off and I hear a strange noise. I can't really describe it in text but it was almost like a strange squeaking/creaking noise. I sat up for a second, looked around and didn't hear it anymore and just shrugged it off. I lie back down, get comfortable and try to get to sleep when I hear it again. WTF is that noise? So I sit up in bed and really listen to see if I can hear it again. Nothing. Once more I lie down, pull the covers up and try to get some sleep when out of nowhere I hear it again! DAMNIT! What is that noise? So now I am on a mission, it's me or the noise, one of us is going to have to go. So I am looking everywhere, front door, back door, laundry room, under the sink, toilet tank, kitchen, you name it. I even decided to check out the closet. I go and get a chair, why I have no idea, but I decided to check the upper shelf on my master closet. I am all the way in the back of the closet, the light is on and I am standing on a chair with my hand searching the top shelf when I felt something. What is this? I slide it to me and see that it is … a paper mask of Mad magazines Alfred E. Newman that just about made me wet all of my clothes hanging there. I don't know why but to see this weird smiling tooth missing face where the eyes cut out kind of startled me for a second.
Forgetting what I was looking for, I took a deep breath in and out and then I heard the noise again. It was my damn nose whistling! Spring time and allergies are in full force. The creepy sound I was hearing was me, half asleep, exhaling through my congested nose which caused it to whistle.
Sometimes these 'heartwarming' stories are a bit too sappy for me
Sometimes these 'heartwarming' stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Got a little tip for you fellas....
Guys, if you ever see a woman eating or buying this in a store, propose to her IMMEDIATELY!!
Do not think about it, do not wonder what your friends will think, do not pass go, get on one knee and ask that bitch to marry you right then and there and then tell her you will take her to pick out rings right away. Trust me, it is for the greater good.
Do not think about it, do not wonder what your friends will think, do not pass go, get on one knee and ask that bitch to marry you right then and there and then tell her you will take her to pick out rings right away. Trust me, it is for the greater good.
Genius Idea!
I listen to talk radio a lot while I am at work, sometimes for no other reason than to break some of the silence. Yesterday must have been a slow news day because every show was covering the same study/survey, which is that more people can name all seven ingredients of McDonald's Big Mac than can name all Ten Commandments. What I am wondering is who did this study? I am sure I could find out if I REALLY cared, but I don't. My feeling is that it is the people at McDonalds. Think about it, you release this "amazing" study and people talk about it all day. Then guess what, they go get a Big Mac. Oh hell yeah, it worked on me. I kept hear that stupid survey and hearing the stupid commercial in my head "two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onion on a sesame seed bun" over and over in my head all day long. And I was craving a Big Mac. Not only did it work on me, I was talking to a buddy on the phone during my ride home yesterday and our conversation went a little like this.
Me: Hey man, what are you doing?Him: Oh just getting some drive thru on the way home.Me: Oh really, what are you getting?Him: Mickey D's. Hey did you know that more people can name all seven ingredients of the Big Mac then can name the Ten Commandments?
Holy Crap! That is some powerful subliminal advertising! If they were smart the Domino's people would jump on this and rush some radio "studies" out. Something like people have named the "Noid" as their favorite food mascot or something like that. Think about it, people would think back to the Noid (you know you are doing it now) and then they would think "man it is Friday, been a long week, I don't want to cook dinner tonight, let's order a pizza" and BOOM domino's sales go through the roof. I bet it would work.
Me: Hey man, what are you doing?Him: Oh just getting some drive thru on the way home.Me: Oh really, what are you getting?Him: Mickey D's. Hey did you know that more people can name all seven ingredients of the Big Mac then can name the Ten Commandments?
Holy Crap! That is some powerful subliminal advertising! If they were smart the Domino's people would jump on this and rush some radio "studies" out. Something like people have named the "Noid" as their favorite food mascot or something like that. Think about it, people would think back to the Noid (you know you are doing it now) and then they would think "man it is Friday, been a long week, I don't want to cook dinner tonight, let's order a pizza" and BOOM domino's sales go through the roof. I bet it would work.
I think I am about to cry
My boss, who rules, just brought me a box that would hold a case of beer FULL of golf balls. I am guessing that there are between 100 and 200 golf balls in there. Most appear to be in good shape and damn near everyone of them are Titleist! They live on a really nice course in the area and have maybe three times more balls at home. It's like Christmas came early!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Side effects may result in …
While watching some of the games today I see different commercials for various products but one thing really caught my eye, the side effects of the medicines. To me the side effects are worse than some of the things they cure.
For example there is a product called Flowmax. Right off you can tell what it does. But it is to help with “male urinary symptoms due to BPH”. And I am sure that is bad, but check out the side effects. This is straight from their website which the announcer says in the commercial, “Common side effects of FLOMAX are runny nose, dizziness and decrease in semen.” Uh, no we wont be taking this product at all. But if that wasn’t bad enough they go on to tell you “A sudden decrease in blood pressure may occur upon standing, rarely resulting in fainting.” Excuse me, but I could pass out if I take this med, shit, I would rather sit to pee or what ever you got to do if you have “male urinary symptoms due to BPH”. And if that wasn’t bad enough the go even on with “So when starting FLOMAX, avoid situations where injury could result.” Do you really have to be on anything for this to apply? If I am not mistaken, that is pretty much an every day practice for everyone. But if that wasn’t enough for you they also want you to know “If considering cataract surgery, tell your eye surgeon you have taken FLOMAX capsules.” So I can either pee or go blind? What isle are the Depends on?
Then there is Flonase, sorry to get stuck on the “Flo” meds, but this is a nasal decongestant. You spray this product up your nose to open it up for breathing. Let’s take a look at their side effects shall we. From their site “If side effects occur, they are generally mild and may include headache, nosebleed, or sore throat.” Nosebleed? What is in this shit and why would I put to spray it in my head? Good lord.
I just heard another one, it is for a product called Avodart. Avodart is used to treat enlarging prostate. If you are brave enough to take it that is. The side effects say “Women and children should not take AVODART. Women who are or could become pregnant should not handle AVODART due to the potential risk of a specific birth defect.” Wait, they can’t even TOUCH it because it could cause birth defects. Dayum, that is some powerful shit. They continue on with “Do not donate blood until at least 6 months after stopping AVODART. Tell your doctor if you have liver disease. AVODART may not be right for you.” Might not be right for you, is that a nice way to say you might wake up dead? “Possible side effects, including sexual side effects” stop right there, no way in hell would I take this medicine with that kind of risk. I am surprised they sell any at all. But they continue with “and swelling or tenderness of the breast, occur infrequently.”
Now let’s check out Nexium. The purple pill people. Of course I thought this was an erectile dysfunction medicine but it’s actually for heartburn and acid reflux. They list their side effects as “Side effects with NEXIUM include headache, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. Symptom relief does not rule out other serious stomach conditions.” Hmm, let me weight this right, diarrhea or heartburn, hmm, throat burns or my ass burns, tough call. Don’t forget about the possibility of “abdominal pain”!
But I think the one that scares me the most has got to be Topamax. This is a headache medicine, migraines specifically. Side effects for this bad boy list “Serious risks associated with TOPAMAX include lowered bicarbonate levels in the blood resulting in an increase in the acidity of the blood (metabolic acidosis). Symptoms could include hyperventilation (rapid, deep breathing), tiredness, loss of appetite, irregular heartbeat or changes in the level of alertness.” Does that sound like a stroke to anyone else? And if that wasn’t bad enough let’s continue on with “Chronic, untreated metabolic acidosis may increase the risk for kidney stones or bone disease.” Maybe I have never had a migraine, but how bad must a headache be to risk kidney stones or bone disease? Shit, just give me a bottle of Jack and I will be passed out shortly and the headache wont matter and I don’t have to piss a rock. But wait, there’s more! They follow that up with “Other serious risks include decreased sweating, increased body temperature, kidney stones, sleepiness, dizziness, confusion, difficulty concentrating, and increased eye pressure (glaucoma).” Umm, isn’t sweating how your body is designed to naturally cool you off? So you can’t sweat AND your body temperature could go up. Would you just burst like Tupperware in the microwave? But they are looking out for you, they tell you to “Call your doctor immediately if you have any decrease in vision or eye pain. These problems can lead to blindness if not treated right away.” So let’s think about this, if you can’t see, go thumbing through the yellow pages to look up your doctors number, oh and good luck dialing that phone! But if those aren’t enough, they still continue with “More common side effects are tingling in arms and legs, loss of appetite, tiredness, nausea, diarrhea, taste change and weight loss.” Why does everything have to give you diarrhea? I swear all of these medicines must be manufactured by the Depends people. Think they have a guy on the inside who pours castor oil into all of the products?
For example there is a product called Flowmax. Right off you can tell what it does. But it is to help with “male urinary symptoms due to BPH”. And I am sure that is bad, but check out the side effects. This is straight from their website which the announcer says in the commercial, “Common side effects of FLOMAX are runny nose, dizziness and decrease in semen.” Uh, no we wont be taking this product at all. But if that wasn’t bad enough they go on to tell you “A sudden decrease in blood pressure may occur upon standing, rarely resulting in fainting.” Excuse me, but I could pass out if I take this med, shit, I would rather sit to pee or what ever you got to do if you have “male urinary symptoms due to BPH”. And if that wasn’t bad enough the go even on with “So when starting FLOMAX, avoid situations where injury could result.” Do you really have to be on anything for this to apply? If I am not mistaken, that is pretty much an every day practice for everyone. But if that wasn’t enough for you they also want you to know “If considering cataract surgery, tell your eye surgeon you have taken FLOMAX capsules.” So I can either pee or go blind? What isle are the Depends on?
Then there is Flonase, sorry to get stuck on the “Flo” meds, but this is a nasal decongestant. You spray this product up your nose to open it up for breathing. Let’s take a look at their side effects shall we. From their site “If side effects occur, they are generally mild and may include headache, nosebleed, or sore throat.” Nosebleed? What is in this shit and why would I put to spray it in my head? Good lord.
I just heard another one, it is for a product called Avodart. Avodart is used to treat enlarging prostate. If you are brave enough to take it that is. The side effects say “Women and children should not take AVODART. Women who are or could become pregnant should not handle AVODART due to the potential risk of a specific birth defect.” Wait, they can’t even TOUCH it because it could cause birth defects. Dayum, that is some powerful shit. They continue on with “Do not donate blood until at least 6 months after stopping AVODART. Tell your doctor if you have liver disease. AVODART may not be right for you.” Might not be right for you, is that a nice way to say you might wake up dead? “Possible side effects, including sexual side effects” stop right there, no way in hell would I take this medicine with that kind of risk. I am surprised they sell any at all. But they continue with “and swelling or tenderness of the breast, occur infrequently.”
Now let’s check out Nexium. The purple pill people. Of course I thought this was an erectile dysfunction medicine but it’s actually for heartburn and acid reflux. They list their side effects as “Side effects with NEXIUM include headache, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. Symptom relief does not rule out other serious stomach conditions.” Hmm, let me weight this right, diarrhea or heartburn, hmm, throat burns or my ass burns, tough call. Don’t forget about the possibility of “abdominal pain”!
But I think the one that scares me the most has got to be Topamax. This is a headache medicine, migraines specifically. Side effects for this bad boy list “Serious risks associated with TOPAMAX include lowered bicarbonate levels in the blood resulting in an increase in the acidity of the blood (metabolic acidosis). Symptoms could include hyperventilation (rapid, deep breathing), tiredness, loss of appetite, irregular heartbeat or changes in the level of alertness.” Does that sound like a stroke to anyone else? And if that wasn’t bad enough let’s continue on with “Chronic, untreated metabolic acidosis may increase the risk for kidney stones or bone disease.” Maybe I have never had a migraine, but how bad must a headache be to risk kidney stones or bone disease? Shit, just give me a bottle of Jack and I will be passed out shortly and the headache wont matter and I don’t have to piss a rock. But wait, there’s more! They follow that up with “Other serious risks include decreased sweating, increased body temperature, kidney stones, sleepiness, dizziness, confusion, difficulty concentrating, and increased eye pressure (glaucoma).” Umm, isn’t sweating how your body is designed to naturally cool you off? So you can’t sweat AND your body temperature could go up. Would you just burst like Tupperware in the microwave? But they are looking out for you, they tell you to “Call your doctor immediately if you have any decrease in vision or eye pain. These problems can lead to blindness if not treated right away.” So let’s think about this, if you can’t see, go thumbing through the yellow pages to look up your doctors number, oh and good luck dialing that phone! But if those aren’t enough, they still continue with “More common side effects are tingling in arms and legs, loss of appetite, tiredness, nausea, diarrhea, taste change and weight loss.” Why does everything have to give you diarrhea? I swear all of these medicines must be manufactured by the Depends people. Think they have a guy on the inside who pours castor oil into all of the products?
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