Just don’t talk to me!!

As I have written about before, sometimes things in the bathroom are funny. Mash here and here and here and here and here and finally here.

But damnit dude, don’t talk to me while I am peeing! I don’t want to talk about plans for the upcoming weekend/holiday, I don’t give a damn what your kids did in soccer OR basketball, I don’t want a recap of a recent meeting, I don’t want to hear about some new restaurant that you took your wife too and I damn sure don’t want to discuss the weather with you. I just want to piss, wash my hands and get out of there. I am not hanging out in the shiter because I think it’s cool, I just want to drop off what ever it is I came in there to drop off and leave. If you ask me what my upcoming plans are while I am holding my junk, you are going to get a very honest answer and you’re probably not going to like it. So if I hear, “hey man, got any plans for the big weekend?” while I am holding my dork, the response you get might be, “I think I am going to try to stick this in my wife”. Just letting you know. There is no need for epic conversations while in the head, that is gay.

And if you see me go into a stall you better damn sure not strike up a little chat because at the very most you will get a grunt or some sort of animal noise out of me and that’s about it.

I now know why monkeys throw shit. It’s to get you to leave them the hell alone while they are taking a dump. Damn, can I get no peace?

Don’t talk to me in the can.

And

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - What does one do?

Dear Sweezey,

I cant stand my wife. All she does is think about herself, her well being, or does things to make herself look good and she doesnt care at what cost. She fucks over her friends and family all the time and know one will say anything to her because it seems most people she knows are afraid of her. I want to leave but am also afraid. Mostly because I'm not sure what she would do, too me. She is so two faced and believed. I hate it. Thinking of leaving my wife which is much easier said then done. What does one do?

Scared Spouse



Dear Scared Spouse,

Let me get this straight, you got a woman who cares about herself and what she looks like, not some slob who doesn’t do shit, and you want to leave her? Yeah, you should go right ahead and do that.

Maybe she is just tired of being with some idiot who doesn’t know the difference between “know” and “no” and apparently doesn’t believe in using punctuation either.

Here is a crazy idea, why don’t you start to better yourself and maybe, just maybe she will quit banging the pizza delivery guy. At least he has personality going for him.

Get off the internet, read a book, wash your ass, do something!

- Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – Cat Turds

Dear Sweezey,

My dog (who is no longer allowed to lick me) thinks the cat box is Furr's Cafeteria. Short of shooting the dog do you have any suggestions how to stop this crappy behavior.

Thanks,

Cat Box City



Dear Cat Box City,

Ok genius, maybe if you worked more on having common sense and less on your puns you could have figured this one out on your own.

Why don’t you just move the litter box to a place where the cat can get to it but the dog can’t?

You’re a bright one aren’t you.

Thanks,

Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – Pool Repair Question

Dear Sweezey,

Do you know about how much it costs to have a pool re plastered? Mine is about 5 years old and need some TLC. I noticed a small crack about 3 feet long in it over the weekend.

Any good connections for a quality affordable contact?

Can it be done in winter?

Thanks,

Pool Guy



Dear Pool Guy,

Are you retarded or something? You booted up your computer, logged into your e-mail, e-mailed me your question and are sitting by your computer waiting with bated breath, feverishly hitting refresh on your e-mail waiting for my response instead of using a search engine to find someone who does pool repair in your area and already have an answer.

Pool repair is very expensive, but you can do it yourself! And yes it can be done in the winter. What you want to do is make sure that your pool is full of water and then you want to get a bag of plaster of Paris. Go ahead and jump into your pool and start to smear the plaster of Paris all over the crack in the pool, make sure that you cover it really well.

Now here is the key, you want to stay in the water until the plaster dries, if it starts to peel or come off, keep applying more plaster. That way when you die from stupidity/pneumonia the next home buyer will get a great deal.

Please God don’t breed,

Sweezey


Don’t get dead

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

Thank you for all of the gifts that you have bestowed upon us. Thank you for the little birdies in the sky and the fish in the sea and thank you for all of the other animals that run around on the ground. Thank you for the clouds in the sky and the grass on the ground. Thank you for the refreshing rain and the shining sun. Thank you for the mountains so high and the valleys so deep. Thank you for the trees, the flowers, the bushes and the soil. Thank you for how the leaves change color as the seasons change. And thank you for all of the sites and sounds that you have created.

But bitch if you don’t quit fucking with the weather you are going to make me crazy! My allergies are going nuts. And almost 80 one day and then 30 the next? What is up with that shit? You better quit fucking around.

Again, thanks!

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – Can you please tell me

a good place for someone who is bipolar to work at that isn't Starbucks and doesn't involve the cleaning of piss, puke, or shit?

Preferably a place with no drug screening, good health insurance, and still isn't Starbucks.

Seriously it would be even better if only really ugly people inside or out worked and/or shopped there (to avoid romantic entanglements) and hopefully where a good sense of humor is NOT appreciated

Thank you,

Chris

Dear Chris,

I hear the government is hiring. Not sure that will be the best job to help avoid romantic entanglements but you win some and you loose some.

- Sweezey


As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – I need help

Dear Sweezey,

Why can't he just tell me he likes me? Or tell me to fuck off. One of the two. I don't understand why he's playing with me like that. Why would you do that? If he would just tell me how he feels, just once. I can stay...or move on.

Confused

Dear Confused,

Maybe he “don’t think of you in that way” like the BS that women tell men all the time. Maybe he “just likes you as a friend”. Maybe he “isn’t ready to get involved with someone right now”. Maybe he “just got out of a bad relationship”. Maybe the tide has turned and a guy is giving a girl some of their own medicine!

Or maybe he is just using you to get laid, how the hell am I supposed to know?

- Sweezey


Don’t get dead

More pictures of my kids

Ok, I can’t let everyone think that we only get bad pictures of our kids, just when they are with Santa. For some reason they freak out like he is Satan and not Santa. But sometimes we get great shots like the ones we took a couple of weeks ago. Like this one.




Not to worry, this blog isn’t going to turn into one of those looks what my kids did today blogs, but I did have to brag on them and our photography skills too. So here are a few more that didn’t make it onto the Christmas card. Enjoy







Don't get dead

So much to write about

So much has happened lately but I have just been so busy that I haven’t had time to write about it all.

Let see, one of my sister-in-laws had a baby and even though I have not gotten to actually see him in person yet, I love him anyway.

**************************

Last Saturday night was my office’s holiday party. Not to brag, but I work with some really cool people. We had a blast sitting around and talking with each other. And everyone’s spouses are really cool too. I think I am going to have a party just for the heck of it because we have not laughed like that in a long time. And it was really cool to see everyone when they are away from work.

**************************

As young as they are, my children already hate things. Two things in general, one is toilet paper. My four year old uses just about half a roll every time she wipes. Since she is flushing so much of it she must hate it.

And both of them hate sleep, whether it is theirs or ours. I swear we can not get them to sleep, little vampires they are. And if they do get to sleep they bring their pre-dawn, miniature rendition of “Stomp” into our bedroom long before we are ready for it.

************************

I am in the holiday spirit like a mofo and very jealous the New Orleans got snow but Dallas didn’t.

************************

There are other things but I don’t recall them right now.

************************

Life is good

************************

Don’t get dead

My kids are going to be on Good Morning America tomorrow

Well a picture of them is. Apparently they (Good Morning America) is/was having a contest where they wanted pictures of kids with Santa. By suggestion of a friend, we sent in this and they producers just called my wife to get their names and ages.

Enjoy




Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 12/12/08

Would you rather

your parents walk in on you while having sex

-OR-

walk in on your parents having sex?


Yeah..



Well…



Ummm..



So how about this weather that we are having?


Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 12/10/08

Would you rather

have a booger hanging out of your nose while at a company party and no one tell you

-OR-

sit in something to where it looks like you crapped your pants in the mall?




I will take the sitting in something. Know why? Two reasons actually, NO BODY is checking out this sweet seat and two, like I care about a bunch of mall dwellers. I could care less and will probably never see them again anyway.

Don’t get dead

Hit and run

Hey everyone, sorry that I have not been around much lately. I have been working like a mad man. But I do have plenty of good stuff to entertain you with. But right now I am about to have a beer (or several) and then check my eyelids for holes.

Talk to ya soon.

Don’t get dead

What not to get your girl for Christmas

A couple of times today I heard a “news” story on what not to get for your girlfriend/wife for Christmas. And each of the items had a reason behind it why it was not a good idea. Both the gifts and the reason why you shouldn’t give it as a gift where pretty common sense things. Such as don’t give a vacuum cleaner because it might give the impression that she is your property and there to serve you… I know guys, I am having a hard time keeping quiet on this one too. Another item was tickets to a sporting event, supposedly this is not an item that she could enjoy by herself. And the list went on and on, things like cookware, costumes for sex, regular clothing, scales and so on.

So I thought that I would put together my own list of things that you shouldn’t buy for your girl for Christmas.

- Vagisil
- FMF threesomes for dummys book
- A personal grooming DVD
- A one-way ticket anywhere
- The book “Let’s Talk About Your Fucking Mother”
- A gun cleaning kit
- A membership to a swinger site
- The book “How to Shut Up When the Game Is On”
- The complete first season of “At Home With Ike and Tina Turner” on DVD
- Driving Lessons
- Shampoo for crabs
- The book “Hookers: The Worlds Oldest Profession”
- Jumbo panty liners
- The book “101 Reasons Why I Am Lucky to Have a Man”
- Valtrex
- The book “Shit Up Means SHUT, UP!”
- A book on how to clean house
- A toothbrush
- Cookbooks
- Just Because You Don’t Like the Way it Smells Don’t Mean it Stinks on paperback
- How to give head like a porn star on DVD
- Weight Loss surgery information
- Order Eaters
- The book “Farts Really Are Funny”


It’s not that these are bad gifts, just that they might get taken the wrong way.

Don’t get dead

Inspired!

I was just taking a look at Chud’s blog and he inspired me. For those of you who don’t know, Chud is a connoisseur of porn. And like any good connoisseur he gives his opinions of what he likes and doesn’t like. So the businessman side of me got to thinking and I have quiet possibly the best idea ever thought up!

Porno market research! That’s right, porno companies would send “researchers” porn to watch and give their honest evaluation of. What a fan-damn-tastic idea! I mean one could not only potentially get a continuous supply of the most cutting-edge adult erotica but they could also get paid for it!

Now of course if any of the other connoisseurs are like me they will have to review the material over several hours if not days, in three to five minute segments with naps in between. I mean, you got to be thorough right? Yeah, that’s it, thorough.

I swear sometimes I wonder how companies aren’t beating my door down asking me to help them with their companies.

Don’t get dead

Finish the sentence

The one thing that I regret the most about my life is …



...that I didn't listen to my parents more. I know, I know, how cheesy can one guy be but it's true. I really wish that I listened to what they were telling me more. I hate that I was such a shithead when I was younger.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 12/4/08

Would you rather

get your hair cut by a blind person

-OR-

have a CD stuck in your CD player that keeps skipping and you can't turn it down or off?



Since I have to pick one, I guess I would go with the CD that skips. I mean it would drive me nuts but at some point I think that I could block it out. But for some reason it's not the thought of a bad haircut that bothers me as much as it is getting jabbed in the head with those pointy scissors that gets to me. Oh and the chance of loosing an ear or something like that too.

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey – My Husband

Dear Sweezey,

My Husband is a SLOB! I can't stand it anymore. I am tired of picking up after him like a god damn child. He won't throw anything in the gargabge 2 feet away from him. He leaves his dirty dishes with old food and cups everywhere. He makes a mess and leaves it for me like I am his fricking maid. I am married to him (hhhh) I am not his mother. I go on silent strikes and he doesn't even notice he is blind to the mess! I clean my ass off for nothing. I am sick of it I hate almost everything about him. He won't grow up, and he won't clean up. All he cares about is eating sleeping getting drunk video games and old tv shows. There is more to life to life! I want more!! I am loosing my mind! I had to vent before I snap. I am only one person and I already have 2 children I don't need my grown husband being more needy demanding and lazy than my own kids. I am constantly telling him to clean up after himself because it is disgusting! Like he has no sense of smell and can't tell he is stepping in shit and piss? AAAARGGGG!!!!

- The wife


Dear The Wife,

Honey, is that you? Point taken!

That whole "All he cares about is eating sleeping getting drunk video games and old tv shows." thing was a bit too close for me.

- Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Finish the sentence

If I won the lottery, the first thing that I would do is …


... tell a long list of people to kiss my ass!

Then I would go out and buy a kick ass house, a Lambo, a big-ass-fucking-yacht and let the good times roll. And then I would set up a few large trusts for my children. Then I would drink myself into a stupor!

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 12/3/08

Would you rather

be able to cure world hunger by loosing the love of your life

-OR-

cure every major disease by being alone for the rest of your life?


Make your choice before you read mine!



This choice sucks. But since we HAVE to pick one, I think that I would cure every major disease, that way I would have the piece of mind that my family would never be seriously ill. And if I had to be alone at least knowing that would make me feel a little (very little) bit better.

Don't get dead

Have a little fun

Remember a while back I wrote about things that I do when I get bored. Well here is something that falls into that category that you can have a little fun with during this busy holiday season.

Sometimes while I am in a stall in a public restroom and someone gets into or is already in the stall next to me I will ask in a serious voice, "Agent 17, do you have the data?" This has gotten responses from, "Hey man, there aint no Agent 17 here" to laughter to silence to a quick flush and someone hauling ass out of the mens room.

Another thing that is fun to do is to use some sort of knock on the stall wall and in the same serious voice say something that sounds like it is out of a spy movie. My favorite one to use is "The CROW flies at MIDNIGHT" really putting emphasis on crow and midnight. I think one guy pinched off what he was doing and just left when I did this once.

Now if you really want to screw with someone take a folder into the restroom with you and have some documents in it, I just type up various text that looks like it had to be decoded to read on various sheets of paper. Then I will knock on the wall, slide the folder under the stall wall and say something like, "Godspeed!" or "the package has been delivered" (maybe into your phone) or "destroy this after reading" or "the nation thanks you" and then just leave the restroom.

This is a great time of year to do stuff like this because so many people are out shopping. This is also fun to do at airports!

Don't get dead