Recently Maxim magazine had an article giving advice on how to survive a hurricane. In this article they gave you a list of supplies that one would need to pick up prior to the hurricane hitting land. Things like a camping stove, a hand-crank radio, an LED headlamp and so on. And they told you why you will need them. Then the article went on to tell you what to do when the hurricane hits landfall. Stuff like where to go and what to have with you. And it seemed like pretty good advice. They even gave advice as to what to do in the aftermath. Things like how to cook without everyone coming over to eat your food (how neighborly) and how to catch rain water and so on. Again, sounds like pretty sound advice.
I think that I might have better advice. GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN. If you know a hurricane is coming, leave! It’s not like the hurricane snuck up on you. You can see them coming for DAYS. Leave, skedaddle, go, run, take-off, haul-ass, shoo! How many different ways do you need to be told to get away from the danger?
But I guess simply telling people to get out of the path of the storm in one sentence doesn’t really sell a lot of magazines does it?
Don't get dead
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Buck
Another blog that someone responded too was my “More Stupid Sayings” blog. Now typically I don’t respond or post a blog every time I get a comment. I love the comments, please post more, if you aren’t being a buffoon I wont blog about you, promise. But this comment needed a reply.
So here is what “Buck” had to say.
And I quote “well. my life really is on hidden camera. they wont let met quit either. they torture me psychologically constantly. they cough at me, talk to me in my sleep causing horrid dreams - and they won't quit. i'm sure it's very successful but the are very clever - my internet is cansored so i can't find information. this is no joke - you must know who I am. somebody send me some info these sadists are driving me crazy. i need help please”
Hey Buck, why don’t you ask them to teach you spelling and grammar while they are talking to you in your sleep? Leave it on a sticky note on your forehead or something. And you know that key on your key board that says “Shift”? If you hold it down it will make a capital letter. We use capital letters at the beginning of sentences and when using the word “I”. Look I just did it right there when I held down “Shift” and the “l” key. It’s really not that hard. Give it a shot.
What the hell is cansored? You mean censored? I know those vowels can be confusing so I will give you that one. But how in the hell did you spell psychologically correct and fuck up censored?
But sorry Buck, I don’t know who you are. I am pretty sure I don’t know any illiterate, babbling simpletons.
Don’t get dead.
So here is what “Buck” had to say.
And I quote “well. my life really is on hidden camera. they wont let met quit either. they torture me psychologically constantly. they cough at me, talk to me in my sleep causing horrid dreams - and they won't quit. i'm sure it's very successful but the are very clever - my internet is cansored so i can't find information. this is no joke - you must know who I am. somebody send me some info these sadists are driving me crazy. i need help please”
Hey Buck, why don’t you ask them to teach you spelling and grammar while they are talking to you in your sleep? Leave it on a sticky note on your forehead or something. And you know that key on your key board that says “Shift”? If you hold it down it will make a capital letter. We use capital letters at the beginning of sentences and when using the word “I”. Look I just did it right there when I held down “Shift” and the “l” key. It’s really not that hard. Give it a shot.
What the hell is cansored? You mean censored? I know those vowels can be confusing so I will give you that one. But how in the hell did you spell psychologically correct and fuck up censored?
But sorry Buck, I don’t know who you are. I am pretty sure I don’t know any illiterate, babbling simpletons.
Don’t get dead.
Dear Sweezey follow up
So I got a couple of response to some of my blogs which I have been meaning to address. So I will do that now.
The first one is where someone had something to say about my Dear Sweezey – Dating after 40 blog.
She wrote "I will never whore it up. I will be myself to the day maggots feast on my dead body, even if that means sitting at home every Friday night having a date with a scoop of ice cream and whipped topping. And men-here is a note for you: I
don't want to ever catch you bitching "That fucking bitch took half. Why did I ever get married?". "All she wants is my dinero" crap. YOU are the one who wanted a bitch. There are plenty of great women out there. Stop going to that same pub every night. That might help. Losers." – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for helping me prove my point. I was giving "Dating after 40" advice on getting dates and a man. If she wanted advice on getting hips the size of Buicks I would have steered her in your direction.
And don't try to use my blog as a place for you to give advice to men. First off, men aren't going to listen to you because you are very bitter and don't care about your self image. Secondly men don't care if you want to catch them bitching about anything or not. Don't flatter yourself by thinking that anyone cares.
I am guessing that you consider yourself one of those "great women" that you speak of. So how are guys supposed to meet you while you are trying all of the 31 flavors and watching Wheel of Fortune on Friday nights?
I do find it funny that you call men who go out and have a social life "losers" while you started your comment by saying that you are happy sitting at home every Friday night having a date with a scoop of ice cream. So keep shoveling the Häagen-Dazs down your throat and being mad at the world, it works for you.
- Sweezey
Don't get dead
The first one is where someone had something to say about my Dear Sweezey – Dating after 40 blog.
She wrote "I will never whore it up. I will be myself to the day maggots feast on my dead body, even if that means sitting at home every Friday night having a date with a scoop of ice cream and whipped topping. And men-here is a note for you: I
don't want to ever catch you bitching "That fucking bitch took half. Why did I ever get married?". "All she wants is my dinero" crap. YOU are the one who wanted a bitch. There are plenty of great women out there. Stop going to that same pub every night. That might help. Losers." – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for helping me prove my point. I was giving "Dating after 40" advice on getting dates and a man. If she wanted advice on getting hips the size of Buicks I would have steered her in your direction.
And don't try to use my blog as a place for you to give advice to men. First off, men aren't going to listen to you because you are very bitter and don't care about your self image. Secondly men don't care if you want to catch them bitching about anything or not. Don't flatter yourself by thinking that anyone cares.
I am guessing that you consider yourself one of those "great women" that you speak of. So how are guys supposed to meet you while you are trying all of the 31 flavors and watching Wheel of Fortune on Friday nights?
I do find it funny that you call men who go out and have a social life "losers" while you started your comment by saying that you are happy sitting at home every Friday night having a date with a scoop of ice cream. So keep shoveling the Häagen-Dazs down your throat and being mad at the world, it works for you.
- Sweezey
Don't get dead
I need a vacation
Yep, I need a place to get away, a place to escape it all, a place to relax, a place to leave my worries behind. Somewhere that is stress free, somewhere that all you have to do is be there, somewhere where everyone is smiling and having fun. A vacation that regenerates, a vacation that puts a smile on ones face, a vacation that you would cherish for the rest of your life.
But we all know that shit aint going to happen.
I tell people that we don’t have vacations, we have adventures. And there is always a story to tell.
Just like this one trip to Panama City Beach. It was the usual crew of us headed down to the Redneck Rivera for a week of fun in the sun, some sub-tropical nightlife, a little relaxation and a whole lot of being …what is the word I am looking for … mischief!
Let me lay the ground work on this trip. Our sole purpose on this trip was to get hammered, past that we had not thought it out. We knew that we needed clean underwear and beer, everything else was a luxury. We had secured a room at one of the miracle strips finest establishments, but only because someone in our party knew someone or something. I don’t remember exactly what floor we were on but it was once of the upper floors, oh and this hotel was shaped like on open parenthesis “(“. This part plays an important role later on.
On the day we leave we all met at one of the groups’ house. From there we all loaded up the convoy of vehicles that where about to make the trip south and we headed out. About an hour and a half later we were there and ready to get this party started. We check in, get the keys and start to “relax”. And most of this trip was great, except for one night.
On this particular night as the sun was beginning to set we were hanging out on the balcony of the room and just being social with other people in the hotel. Shortly pretty much everyone in the hotel was on their balcony. There were a bunch of guys getting this girl across the way to flash everyone and some people a couple of floors down from us had a funnel/beer bong made out of three garden hoses and they were passing it around from rooms to rooms. It was huge. They made it from three 25 foot hoses, two of which where at the top connected to the bottom hose with one of those Y shaped hose connectors. The top two hoses had these big funnels attached to the hoses and the bottom hose had this shut off valve, it was pretty cool. So yeah, there was a bit of drinking going on. Then everyone’s attention turned to the pool, there was this guy who would get everyone really loud and then he would run and do a flip into the pool. Then he would get out drink some more, get everyone loud again, run and do a flip into the pool. This went on for a while and then you see patio chairs flying into the pool. Not to worry, it’s not getting out of hand or anything, just those chairs needed washing. And apparently a lot of other people thought that their chairs needed washing too because they tossed their chairs in too. Then for some reason people started to throw food into the pool. That was weird. We saw eggs and hotdogs and all kinds of crap come flying off of various balconies.
My guess is that at this point the management of the hotel was not very happy. A few members of the hotel staff came out to the pool area and tried to get everyone to calm down to no avail. I will give them credit, they tried.
After the hotel staff left a rousing cheer came from all of the balconies as if we had defeated some huge force. When in fact it was 500 drunk kids trying to be calmed by 6 people. At that point the odds weren’t in the staff’s favor. Back to just general rowdiness and chest thumping!!
After a few minutes local law enforcement showed up. We knew something was up by the way that the people on the first two floors balconies shoot into their rooms at light speed. Four or five sheriffs’ deputies are in the pool area sort of half-heartedly trying to get us to calm down which really did very little. They had a little pow-wow on the pool deck and then it looked like they just split up and walked around with one arm up in the air each and then… well they just left.
Again a rousing cheer comes from the group. But then, as if it was choreographed, floor by floor people were ducking into their rooms.
Remember the part about the hotel being shaped like ( <- that? And that this hotel was on the beach? Well the wind blows from the water to the beach and it would blow right up the hotel. So if someone say, sprayed something it would carry UP the hotel. So yeah, they mace’d us. Floor by floor you see people ducking into their rooms and shutting the doors. When it hit us it wasn’t as bad as it could be but it was enough to make us cough and our eyes and nose burn. But, but, but, but there were more of us than there was of them, how did this happen? Damn physics!
Don’t get dead.
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
But we all know that shit aint going to happen.
I tell people that we don’t have vacations, we have adventures. And there is always a story to tell.
Just like this one trip to Panama City Beach. It was the usual crew of us headed down to the Redneck Rivera for a week of fun in the sun, some sub-tropical nightlife, a little relaxation and a whole lot of being …what is the word I am looking for … mischief!
Let me lay the ground work on this trip. Our sole purpose on this trip was to get hammered, past that we had not thought it out. We knew that we needed clean underwear and beer, everything else was a luxury. We had secured a room at one of the miracle strips finest establishments, but only because someone in our party knew someone or something. I don’t remember exactly what floor we were on but it was once of the upper floors, oh and this hotel was shaped like on open parenthesis “(“. This part plays an important role later on.
On the day we leave we all met at one of the groups’ house. From there we all loaded up the convoy of vehicles that where about to make the trip south and we headed out. About an hour and a half later we were there and ready to get this party started. We check in, get the keys and start to “relax”. And most of this trip was great, except for one night.
On this particular night as the sun was beginning to set we were hanging out on the balcony of the room and just being social with other people in the hotel. Shortly pretty much everyone in the hotel was on their balcony. There were a bunch of guys getting this girl across the way to flash everyone and some people a couple of floors down from us had a funnel/beer bong made out of three garden hoses and they were passing it around from rooms to rooms. It was huge. They made it from three 25 foot hoses, two of which where at the top connected to the bottom hose with one of those Y shaped hose connectors. The top two hoses had these big funnels attached to the hoses and the bottom hose had this shut off valve, it was pretty cool. So yeah, there was a bit of drinking going on. Then everyone’s attention turned to the pool, there was this guy who would get everyone really loud and then he would run and do a flip into the pool. Then he would get out drink some more, get everyone loud again, run and do a flip into the pool. This went on for a while and then you see patio chairs flying into the pool. Not to worry, it’s not getting out of hand or anything, just those chairs needed washing. And apparently a lot of other people thought that their chairs needed washing too because they tossed their chairs in too. Then for some reason people started to throw food into the pool. That was weird. We saw eggs and hotdogs and all kinds of crap come flying off of various balconies.
My guess is that at this point the management of the hotel was not very happy. A few members of the hotel staff came out to the pool area and tried to get everyone to calm down to no avail. I will give them credit, they tried.
After the hotel staff left a rousing cheer came from all of the balconies as if we had defeated some huge force. When in fact it was 500 drunk kids trying to be calmed by 6 people. At that point the odds weren’t in the staff’s favor. Back to just general rowdiness and chest thumping!!
After a few minutes local law enforcement showed up. We knew something was up by the way that the people on the first two floors balconies shoot into their rooms at light speed. Four or five sheriffs’ deputies are in the pool area sort of half-heartedly trying to get us to calm down which really did very little. They had a little pow-wow on the pool deck and then it looked like they just split up and walked around with one arm up in the air each and then… well they just left.
Again a rousing cheer comes from the group. But then, as if it was choreographed, floor by floor people were ducking into their rooms.
Remember the part about the hotel being shaped like ( <- that? And that this hotel was on the beach? Well the wind blows from the water to the beach and it would blow right up the hotel. So if someone say, sprayed something it would carry UP the hotel. So yeah, they mace’d us. Floor by floor you see people ducking into their rooms and shutting the doors. When it hit us it wasn’t as bad as it could be but it was enough to make us cough and our eyes and nose burn. But, but, but, but there were more of us than there was of them, how did this happen? Damn physics!
Don’t get dead.
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Colors
After a beer or two, or eight or so, I got to thinking about colors. Don’t ask why because I really don’t know why. But I was thinking about them. And I was wondering why red gets the shaft.
Pretty much every color has a light and a dark, but red. Almost like adding some black to a color and you get a dark what ever and by adding some white you get a light what ever. Black and white are exceptions. You can’t get darker than black or lighter than white. And if you try to lighten black or darken white you get grey so that is the exception. But you have light and dark blue, light and dark green, light and dark brown, yellow and so on.
But red is treated differently. Light red is pink and dark red is crimson or maroon. What kind of BS is that?
There is something about purple and lavender or something but I am having a hard time focusing on that right now.
But why did red get the shaft? Or is it that red is getting special treatment?
Oh hell, I don’t know.
Don’t get dead
Pretty much every color has a light and a dark, but red. Almost like adding some black to a color and you get a dark what ever and by adding some white you get a light what ever. Black and white are exceptions. You can’t get darker than black or lighter than white. And if you try to lighten black or darken white you get grey so that is the exception. But you have light and dark blue, light and dark green, light and dark brown, yellow and so on.
But red is treated differently. Light red is pink and dark red is crimson or maroon. What kind of BS is that?
There is something about purple and lavender or something but I am having a hard time focusing on that right now.
But why did red get the shaft? Or is it that red is getting special treatment?
Oh hell, I don’t know.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Gas prices are so high that they are affecting hookers?
Another news story that I just saw says …
Brothel offers customers gas rebate
Wed Jul 9, 12:18 PM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A Nevada brothel is trying to stimulate business by offering free gasoline.
Clients of the Shady Lady Ranch will get a $50 gas voucher if they fork out $300 -- worth about one hour's worth of services -- at the brothel in Beatty, Nevada, 130 miles northwest of Las Vegas.
Owner James Davis said he already has had to order another $1,000 set of gas vouchers because the first $1,000 were spent in one week.
"It's rocking along. We're doing quite well. June and July historically are not big months," said Davis, who is co-owner of the brothel along with his wife Bobbi, in a telephone interview.
The $50 rebate would roughly cover the cost of a round trip drive from Las Vegas to the ranch.
Davis said business at the ranch, which has been operating for 16 years, generally slows in the early summer. He said the brothel regularly offers specials to lure clients and his wife came up with the gas vouchers for this month.
U.S. gasoline prices hit a record $4.08 a gallon last week, up 38 percent from a year ago.
Brothels, illegal in most U.S. states, are legal in parts of Nevada.
Man, that’s messed up.
Somewhere in there is an “ass, gas or grass” joke but I just can’t come up with it.
I guess the thing that strikes me as funny about this is that I can picture a couple of guys sitting around a Vegas hotel room where the conversation goes a little bit like this.
Dude 1 – “Dude, we are in Vegas baby!! Woohoo!!”
Dude 2 – “Yeah man and what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!”
Dude 1 – “Damn straight brother!”
Dude 2 – “Just think of all of the stuff we will tell our friends about when we get back to
West Virginia (or where ever)”
Dude 1 – “Yeah bro! Hey, let’s go get some hookers!! That would so rock!”
Dude 2 – “I would man but all of the brothels are like 130 miles away and gas is like $4.00 a gallon. Even though we just paid $200 a night for this room and $1,000 in airfare and the sex will cost us $300 an hour each.”
Dude 1 – “Good point, I wish we had a $50 pre-paid gas card, that would rule”
… dumbasses
Don’t get dead
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
Brothel offers customers gas rebate
Wed Jul 9, 12:18 PM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A Nevada brothel is trying to stimulate business by offering free gasoline.
Clients of the Shady Lady Ranch will get a $50 gas voucher if they fork out $300 -- worth about one hour's worth of services -- at the brothel in Beatty, Nevada, 130 miles northwest of Las Vegas.
Owner James Davis said he already has had to order another $1,000 set of gas vouchers because the first $1,000 were spent in one week.
"It's rocking along. We're doing quite well. June and July historically are not big months," said Davis, who is co-owner of the brothel along with his wife Bobbi, in a telephone interview.
The $50 rebate would roughly cover the cost of a round trip drive from Las Vegas to the ranch.
Davis said business at the ranch, which has been operating for 16 years, generally slows in the early summer. He said the brothel regularly offers specials to lure clients and his wife came up with the gas vouchers for this month.
U.S. gasoline prices hit a record $4.08 a gallon last week, up 38 percent from a year ago.
Brothels, illegal in most U.S. states, are legal in parts of Nevada.
Man, that’s messed up.
Somewhere in there is an “ass, gas or grass” joke but I just can’t come up with it.
I guess the thing that strikes me as funny about this is that I can picture a couple of guys sitting around a Vegas hotel room where the conversation goes a little bit like this.
Dude 1 – “Dude, we are in Vegas baby!! Woohoo!!”
Dude 2 – “Yeah man and what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!”
Dude 1 – “Damn straight brother!”
Dude 2 – “Just think of all of the stuff we will tell our friends about when we get back to
West Virginia (or where ever)”
Dude 1 – “Yeah bro! Hey, let’s go get some hookers!! That would so rock!”
Dude 2 – “I would man but all of the brothels are like 130 miles away and gas is like $4.00 a gallon. Even though we just paid $200 a night for this room and $1,000 in airfare and the sex will cost us $300 an hour each.”
Dude 1 – “Good point, I wish we had a $50 pre-paid gas card, that would rule”
… dumbasses
Don’t get dead
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
Note to self; pass out on the floor…
As I was reading some on-line news today I came across this story and it got me to thinking.
Woman kills husband with folding couch
By Denis Pinchuk
Wed Jul 9, 12:17 PM ET
ST PETERSBURG (Reuters) - A Russian woman in St Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday.
St Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.
The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.
The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.
Police refused to comment.
The St Petersburg Emergency Services Ministry said a private rescue service removed the man's body.
Video on the television channel's website showed emergency workers sawing away the side panels of a couch to remove a man in his underwear lying headfirst between the cushions.
Emergency workers said the man died instantly.
So not only did she kill him, she left and came back later because he was sleeping too quietly. She was about to F him up royally. You know the words “get your lazy, drunk ass out of that couch!” were being said as she walked in.
And I got a feeling that she’s not some dainty little 5 foot tall 100 pound blond. I bet she looks like the caption of the Russian women’s wrestling team. I bet that she can bench press a Volvo.
Let’s play this forward, say she gets acquitted or what ever and somehow a guy is crazy enough to date here. Then they fall in love and decide to get married. Then they go to pick out “their” furniture. How nervous is this guy going to be? You know he will be checking out all of the crevasses in every piece of furniture. Do you think he will flinch every time she picks up a lamp? I mean you would have to be leery of anyone who uses furniture to kill people. Do you think for her that going to Haverty’s is like going to a gun and knife show for the Beltway Snipers?
Let me just say that you know this is one bad bitch if she killed her husband with a Futon!
Don’t get dead
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
Woman kills husband with folding couch
By Denis Pinchuk
Wed Jul 9, 12:17 PM ET
ST PETERSBURG (Reuters) - A Russian woman in St Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday.
St Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.
The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.
The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.
Police refused to comment.
The St Petersburg Emergency Services Ministry said a private rescue service removed the man's body.
Video on the television channel's website showed emergency workers sawing away the side panels of a couch to remove a man in his underwear lying headfirst between the cushions.
Emergency workers said the man died instantly.
So not only did she kill him, she left and came back later because he was sleeping too quietly. She was about to F him up royally. You know the words “get your lazy, drunk ass out of that couch!” were being said as she walked in.
And I got a feeling that she’s not some dainty little 5 foot tall 100 pound blond. I bet she looks like the caption of the Russian women’s wrestling team. I bet that she can bench press a Volvo.
Let’s play this forward, say she gets acquitted or what ever and somehow a guy is crazy enough to date here. Then they fall in love and decide to get married. Then they go to pick out “their” furniture. How nervous is this guy going to be? You know he will be checking out all of the crevasses in every piece of furniture. Do you think he will flinch every time she picks up a lamp? I mean you would have to be leery of anyone who uses furniture to kill people. Do you think for her that going to Haverty’s is like going to a gun and knife show for the Beltway Snipers?
Let me just say that you know this is one bad bitch if she killed her husband with a Futon!
Don’t get dead
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
Monday, June 30, 2008
The Fourth of July is almost here!!
And hospitals all over the country are getting their burn units ready! The good times are about to roll. Oh and my wife wont let our children get anywhere near fireworks. Want to know why? Because they have my DNA in them, that’s why. Let me hip you cool cats to some history.
As it draws closer and closer to the holiday we have noticed children playing with fireworks. First it was some kids throwing those little white paper things that pop when they hit something hard. That’s cute, little kids jump when they throw them at each others feet. One day we saw some kids who were throwing firecrackers at each other, my wife made a comment on how dangerous it was and I, without even realizing I did it, said “lightweights”. This is where I should have given myself temporary amnesia or something but NOOOO I couldn’t let me ego go unnoticed, I had to say something.
I don’t know how many of you know this, but I have a brother, an older brother. Not only is he older, he is six years older than I am. So yeah, we got into a lot of trouble as kids. You ever watch that cartoon “Pinky and the Brain”? Want to wager a bet as to who was who? So yeah, hell yeah, I got burn scars all over my body. Roman candle here, bottle rocket there and so on. You see, not only is my brother the brains in many of our operations, he and I both have my fathers DNA in us too and my dad was an extremist. For example, our pool only needed a ½ horsepower motor for the pump, but my dad had a 1 ½ hp motor put on it. (Can you hear the Tim the Toolman Taylor grunt? Agh agh agh, more power!!) At one point you could wakeboard in our pool from the jets. So yeah, we might tend to go overboard just a bit from time to time.
So anyway, back to why I should have kept my mouth shut. After I made my little comment I proceeded to tell my wife how when I was younger we used to have full on bottle rocket wars. There was one time that if you didn’t know better you would think that we were getting ready to go on a special ops mission to capture Castro ourselves. We had those brown paper grocery sacks full of fireworks (see going overboard comment above). If it exploded, we had it. If it flew AND exploded we had a lot of them. Then we put our game plan together. Not only did we shoot self propelled explosives at the neighbors (they shot back, its ok) we improvised some ourselves.
So there the Brain and I are, ready to release shock and awe on the neighborhood. The first part of the plan was the smoke screen, literally. We took a propane touch, which we used to light everything with, and lit the fuses on bags and bags of smoke bombs and throw them all up and down the street as close to the “enemy” as we could get them. You couldn’t see their house any more we had lit so many smoke bombs. Then we unleashed a barrage of roman candle fire upon them. But that just didn’t have the right kick, we need more firepower!! So we found a piece of metal fence post and used it as a bazooka. Yeah, there I am posed like one of those little green Army men, my brother behind me with the blow torch and dozens and dozens of bottle rockets. We didn’t even unwrap them, we just lit the whole damn thing and shoved them in the end of this pipe which I had aimed at the neighbors house. They never knew how many of what was coming at them, poor souls.
But it wasn’t just the bottle rocket wars, I couldn’t stop there. Once while at one of the neighborhood kids house I just happen to be in the process of sitting down on their porch when one of them light a bottle rocket that they were going to shoot across the front of the porch. Yeah, I timed it just right and caught right between my butt and the porch. I also have a really nice fireball shaped scar on my leg where, in the mist of a roman candle war where we were about 12 feet away from each other, I got shot in the leg and the fireball went into the top of my untied high top tennis shoe. Not only did it hit me in the leg, my shoe held it against my ankle. One of the kids across the street shot his brother in the chest with a whistler which blow his shirt to pieces and left him with some nice small burn marks.
So I may have ruined the Fourth of July and New Years for my kids.
Don’t get dead
As it draws closer and closer to the holiday we have noticed children playing with fireworks. First it was some kids throwing those little white paper things that pop when they hit something hard. That’s cute, little kids jump when they throw them at each others feet. One day we saw some kids who were throwing firecrackers at each other, my wife made a comment on how dangerous it was and I, without even realizing I did it, said “lightweights”. This is where I should have given myself temporary amnesia or something but NOOOO I couldn’t let me ego go unnoticed, I had to say something.
I don’t know how many of you know this, but I have a brother, an older brother. Not only is he older, he is six years older than I am. So yeah, we got into a lot of trouble as kids. You ever watch that cartoon “Pinky and the Brain”? Want to wager a bet as to who was who? So yeah, hell yeah, I got burn scars all over my body. Roman candle here, bottle rocket there and so on. You see, not only is my brother the brains in many of our operations, he and I both have my fathers DNA in us too and my dad was an extremist. For example, our pool only needed a ½ horsepower motor for the pump, but my dad had a 1 ½ hp motor put on it. (Can you hear the Tim the Toolman Taylor grunt? Agh agh agh, more power!!) At one point you could wakeboard in our pool from the jets. So yeah, we might tend to go overboard just a bit from time to time.
So anyway, back to why I should have kept my mouth shut. After I made my little comment I proceeded to tell my wife how when I was younger we used to have full on bottle rocket wars. There was one time that if you didn’t know better you would think that we were getting ready to go on a special ops mission to capture Castro ourselves. We had those brown paper grocery sacks full of fireworks (see going overboard comment above). If it exploded, we had it. If it flew AND exploded we had a lot of them. Then we put our game plan together. Not only did we shoot self propelled explosives at the neighbors (they shot back, its ok) we improvised some ourselves.
So there the Brain and I are, ready to release shock and awe on the neighborhood. The first part of the plan was the smoke screen, literally. We took a propane touch, which we used to light everything with, and lit the fuses on bags and bags of smoke bombs and throw them all up and down the street as close to the “enemy” as we could get them. You couldn’t see their house any more we had lit so many smoke bombs. Then we unleashed a barrage of roman candle fire upon them. But that just didn’t have the right kick, we need more firepower!! So we found a piece of metal fence post and used it as a bazooka. Yeah, there I am posed like one of those little green Army men, my brother behind me with the blow torch and dozens and dozens of bottle rockets. We didn’t even unwrap them, we just lit the whole damn thing and shoved them in the end of this pipe which I had aimed at the neighbors house. They never knew how many of what was coming at them, poor souls.
But it wasn’t just the bottle rocket wars, I couldn’t stop there. Once while at one of the neighborhood kids house I just happen to be in the process of sitting down on their porch when one of them light a bottle rocket that they were going to shoot across the front of the porch. Yeah, I timed it just right and caught right between my butt and the porch. I also have a really nice fireball shaped scar on my leg where, in the mist of a roman candle war where we were about 12 feet away from each other, I got shot in the leg and the fireball went into the top of my untied high top tennis shoe. Not only did it hit me in the leg, my shoe held it against my ankle. One of the kids across the street shot his brother in the chest with a whistler which blow his shirt to pieces and left him with some nice small burn marks.
So I may have ruined the Fourth of July and New Years for my kids.
Don’t get dead
Sometimes I worry about people …
… and sometimes I just don’t give a crap.
The other day as I was leaving my building I stopped to talk to a co-worker and we see a guy from our building walking by. No big deal, except we were there talking for several minutes and this guy walks by again, going to same direction.
So let me set the scene for you. It is Friday afternoon around 5:30 pm-ish or so, the mercury is touching triple digits, this guy is wearing khakis and a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves pushed up above his elbows and hiking boots with more keys on his belt than Bookman the superintendent from “Good Times”. I tell you, this guy is “unique”. He often wears his camouflage fatigue jacket and these fingerless gloves. One time I thought he wore them when he works out and was on his way to the gym or something, nope, come to find out he is a “professional typist” (insert eye roll here). I guess typing with your fingers gives you calluses on your palms in crazy world. This is the guy that I vote most likely to go postal.
This is the guy who is screaming for someone to pay attention to him but has the personality of a hemorrhoid. He actually brought some piece of wooden crap into the office one day saying that he was going to meet with a “client” and they wanted to see some of his work. And he kept bragging about how it was “all hand made”. Well no joke. If I bought something like that and thought it came from a manufacturing plant I would wonder why the zoo was letting the animals design machinery to do wood working. Look me and my kids could make better looking furniture than this crap. But even if it was good, why bring it into the office? Truly sad.
So the third time or so that he walks by we jokingly ask him if he forgot where he parked and in a real pissy tone he tell us that he is “exercising” as he stopped to light another smoke. I am guessing that he is trying out of the dumbass Olympics or something because in my building is an air conditioned gym that is free. I guess Corky must like to smell like a fresh bowl of vomit.
I can see the wanting to get in some exercise but when you are doing so many unhealthy things in an effort to try to get healthy, aren’t you voiding any good that you could be doing? Yeah, you are getting some exercise by walking but I am sure that smoke you are having while walking is somewhat counterproductive to the walking. And why not wear something that won’t cause you to get heat stroke? Maybe it was a slow suicide or something. Or maybe he wanted a seat to himself on the bus or something.
Back to not caring now.
Don’t get dead
The other day as I was leaving my building I stopped to talk to a co-worker and we see a guy from our building walking by. No big deal, except we were there talking for several minutes and this guy walks by again, going to same direction.
So let me set the scene for you. It is Friday afternoon around 5:30 pm-ish or so, the mercury is touching triple digits, this guy is wearing khakis and a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves pushed up above his elbows and hiking boots with more keys on his belt than Bookman the superintendent from “Good Times”. I tell you, this guy is “unique”. He often wears his camouflage fatigue jacket and these fingerless gloves. One time I thought he wore them when he works out and was on his way to the gym or something, nope, come to find out he is a “professional typist” (insert eye roll here). I guess typing with your fingers gives you calluses on your palms in crazy world. This is the guy that I vote most likely to go postal.
This is the guy who is screaming for someone to pay attention to him but has the personality of a hemorrhoid. He actually brought some piece of wooden crap into the office one day saying that he was going to meet with a “client” and they wanted to see some of his work. And he kept bragging about how it was “all hand made”. Well no joke. If I bought something like that and thought it came from a manufacturing plant I would wonder why the zoo was letting the animals design machinery to do wood working. Look me and my kids could make better looking furniture than this crap. But even if it was good, why bring it into the office? Truly sad.
So the third time or so that he walks by we jokingly ask him if he forgot where he parked and in a real pissy tone he tell us that he is “exercising” as he stopped to light another smoke. I am guessing that he is trying out of the dumbass Olympics or something because in my building is an air conditioned gym that is free. I guess Corky must like to smell like a fresh bowl of vomit.
I can see the wanting to get in some exercise but when you are doing so many unhealthy things in an effort to try to get healthy, aren’t you voiding any good that you could be doing? Yeah, you are getting some exercise by walking but I am sure that smoke you are having while walking is somewhat counterproductive to the walking. And why not wear something that won’t cause you to get heat stroke? Maybe it was a slow suicide or something. Or maybe he wanted a seat to himself on the bus or something.
Back to not caring now.
Don’t get dead
Friday, June 27, 2008
URL
In case this link is a bit much to remember, there is what may be easier to remember URL that forwards to this blog. The URL is www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com because it damn sure aint easy.
At some point I would like to do more with the page but I just don’t have time at this point.
At some point I would like to do more with the page but I just don’t have time at this point.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Cell Phones and Dumbasses
How many times does some idiot have to say “Hello” until they realize that there is no one on the other end of the damn phone? I just witnessed someone say hello into a phone 17,323,793 times, each time saying it louder than the time before. Sometimes saying it so fast that even if there was someone there they would not have an opportunity to answer.
Here’s a free tip for you, pull the phone away from your head and see if it has the word “connected” or something that would indicate that you are actually on a call before you machinegun your greeting at near deafening volumes. That is unless you like making yourself out to be a complete tool, then carry on as you were.
If you really want to speak to the person, call them back. I don’t think there has been a cell phone made in the last couple of decades that didn’t have this nifty caller id feature. I know it’s crazy but since you looked it when just prior to flipping your phone open, how about calling that number back. I know it’s crazy but the person who answers just may be the one calling you!
And while I am on my little technology tirade if you are using your earpiece while yelling and holding your phone up about head high, just put the thing to your ear you moron. If you are holding the phone head hi and having to yell, isn’t that sort of defeating the purpose of the ear piece? I hope like hell you are not in charge of Government spending.
Oh, and I may be one of the last people on earth who has a home phone, so if you call me at home DO NOT TELL ME THAT I AM BREAKING UP, your phone is breaking up, my hard wired home phone does not break up.
Don’t get dead
Here’s a free tip for you, pull the phone away from your head and see if it has the word “connected” or something that would indicate that you are actually on a call before you machinegun your greeting at near deafening volumes. That is unless you like making yourself out to be a complete tool, then carry on as you were.
If you really want to speak to the person, call them back. I don’t think there has been a cell phone made in the last couple of decades that didn’t have this nifty caller id feature. I know it’s crazy but since you looked it when just prior to flipping your phone open, how about calling that number back. I know it’s crazy but the person who answers just may be the one calling you!
And while I am on my little technology tirade if you are using your earpiece while yelling and holding your phone up about head high, just put the thing to your ear you moron. If you are holding the phone head hi and having to yell, isn’t that sort of defeating the purpose of the ear piece? I hope like hell you are not in charge of Government spending.
Oh, and I may be one of the last people on earth who has a home phone, so if you call me at home DO NOT TELL ME THAT I AM BREAKING UP, your phone is breaking up, my hard wired home phone does not break up.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, June 19, 2008
TV really sucks
As I have stated before, I don’t watch a lot of television. I simply don’t have time. I do good if I catch the news. So tonight I was taking a break from life and watching some TV both with and without my family. And I realized that most TV now is crap. Just about everything you see is either “reality” TV or it is a show from the past rehashed.
Think about it, American Idol and Country Idol or what ever the hell it is called is just a modern version of “The Gong Show” with a twist. And “America’s Got Talent”, well that is just “Real People” from the 80’s. This show that I got to watch part of tonight called “Fear Itself”, although a good show so far, looks an awful lot like “Quantum Leap” to me.
And if those weren’t bad enough, we have the new ”American Gladiators” with the Hulkster (LOL). Which is kind of a double rehash.
But fear not! We have reached what has got to be the bottom of the barrel with “Celebrity Family Feud”, yeah… it can’t get much worse than that. So it has to get better from here, right?
And I think it has started to get better. There is a show that I really like, at least the few times that I have been able to watch it. It is on the USA network and it is called “Burn Notice”. I can’t think of anything else that I have seen that it seems to be like. And there is a reality show coming up that looks like it should be good. It’s called “The Baby Borrowers” and it’s about teenagers taking care of babies. Even the network is advertising it as birth control. I imagine after this show, those kids wont even want to think about sex. I plan to TiVo it, haha.
Don’t get dead
Think about it, American Idol and Country Idol or what ever the hell it is called is just a modern version of “The Gong Show” with a twist. And “America’s Got Talent”, well that is just “Real People” from the 80’s. This show that I got to watch part of tonight called “Fear Itself”, although a good show so far, looks an awful lot like “Quantum Leap” to me.
And if those weren’t bad enough, we have the new ”American Gladiators” with the Hulkster (LOL). Which is kind of a double rehash.
But fear not! We have reached what has got to be the bottom of the barrel with “Celebrity Family Feud”, yeah… it can’t get much worse than that. So it has to get better from here, right?
And I think it has started to get better. There is a show that I really like, at least the few times that I have been able to watch it. It is on the USA network and it is called “Burn Notice”. I can’t think of anything else that I have seen that it seems to be like. And there is a reality show coming up that looks like it should be good. It’s called “The Baby Borrowers” and it’s about teenagers taking care of babies. Even the network is advertising it as birth control. I imagine after this show, those kids wont even want to think about sex. I plan to TiVo it, haha.
Don’t get dead
How the times have not changed
I was hanging out and watching TV earlier with my kids, because I am cool like that. And as I was looking through the guide I saw that Scooby Doo was on, hell yeah that’s a classic. As we are watching it I noticed something that, something that happens on every episode.
Want to guess what it is? Nope, not old man Johnson trying to scare off the kids, not the Inn keeper wearing a mask, not even Shaggy saying Zoiks!
It is Velma loosing her glasses. That bitch looses her glasses on every episode. I have been watching Scooby Doo for at least 30 years and for 30 years this retard has been getting her glasses knocked off of her face and temporarily loosing them. You would think that in 30 years someone would have clued her into lasik or at the very least contacts. But NOOOO she has to keep those damn coke bottles.
You can tell that this is an older cartoon because there is no way that this would fly if this was a new show.
If this was a new show Velma would have lasik, the mystery machine would be a hydrid, Fred would be a metrosexual, Shaggy and Scooby would be hosting a reality show and Daphne would be in rehab.
Don’t get dead
Want to guess what it is? Nope, not old man Johnson trying to scare off the kids, not the Inn keeper wearing a mask, not even Shaggy saying Zoiks!
It is Velma loosing her glasses. That bitch looses her glasses on every episode. I have been watching Scooby Doo for at least 30 years and for 30 years this retard has been getting her glasses knocked off of her face and temporarily loosing them. You would think that in 30 years someone would have clued her into lasik or at the very least contacts. But NOOOO she has to keep those damn coke bottles.
You can tell that this is an older cartoon because there is no way that this would fly if this was a new show.
If this was a new show Velma would have lasik, the mystery machine would be a hydrid, Fred would be a metrosexual, Shaggy and Scooby would be hosting a reality show and Daphne would be in rehab.
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The worst diet ever!
Earlier today I got a wild hair to check and see what was in my e-mails spam folder. I am sure that I am not alone in getting some of the weirdest stuff as spam. There are always credit report offers, you won some contest (that you didn’t sign up for), free gold, lost loved ones looking for you, prescription medicines on-line, work from home and of course penis enlarger e-mails. But today one jumped out at me because it was a bit different.
It was similar to several other spam e-mails that I have seen but was just a bit different. The subject of the e-mail was “SHED Up To 20LBS: FREE Trail” which seems like a pretty good deal right? I mean it would be nice to drop up to 20 pounds and if I didn’t and it didn’t cost me anything all the better! But there was something, something else that just seemed odd about this one. Oh, I see it now, the sender. Right there under the “From” column was who was sending me the very prestigious offer, it was from “COLON CURE!” I shit you not (pun intended).
So let’s think about this. Someone who is concerned about problems with my colon is also going to help me drop up to 20 pounds. I wonder what the connection is.
I mean I would like to drop 20 pounds. It is swimsuit season after all. So I HAD to open the e-mail!! What wonder of modern science was waiting for me in this e-mail!?
The first thing you see is this EXTREMELY happy looking couple with great big smiles on their face, wonder why they are so happy? Well what do you know? It is a pill that will help me “cleanse” my colon. No wonder they are so happy.
Let’s think about this shall we. If there is 20 pounds of shit in your colon and this wonder pill is going to help you rid yourself of it, one would imagine that you are going to spend a LOT of time on the toilet. So it wont matter what size those jeans are if they are going to be around your ankles all summer. Hell, I can wear a 25 inch waistband if they won’t get above my knees.
And if you have 20 pounds of crap in your colon, YOUR COLON, wouldn’t you have some sort of deformity or a hump on your side or something? I mean I don’t know exactly how big a normal colon is but I know how big 20 pounds of shit is and I am willing to bet I don’t have ANY organs that big!
And even if you don’t have the 20 pounds in your colon I guess I can see how you could loose up to 20 pounds as you will be RUNNING to the bathroom every few minutes while trying to lead a normal life. Start some laundry and trot your happy ass to the bathroom, come out, check some e-mail, jog back to the toilet, turn on the TV, SPRINT back to the can. A treadmill has nothing on this.
But there is more, the product is free. All I would have to do is to pay $3.95 for shipping and handling. This has got to be too good to be true! How in the world could someone GIVE AWAY this wonderful product? My guess is that it is made by the Charmin people or something. Seems like they would have a vested interest in getting this product out to the masses.
But I can’t leave off the attention getting graphics on the right side of this e-mail. From the top down they are read “Satisfaction Guaranteed or your Money Back!”. First off, you said it was a free trial, you going to send me my whopping $3.95 back for shipping? And secondly, I don’t think I would want to speak to anyone who had violated me like that. Keep the four bucks. Then down from that is “Purify, Cleanse, Look Better, Feel Better!”. No! I do not feel better when I am trying to push a side of beef out of my ass. Maybe after said side of beef has passed I will feel better but that would require surgery and pain killers. And who looks better after that? How bad do you look now that you will look “better” after you have just crapped a wombat? I think they mean you will look tired. But if this wasn’t enough, at the bottom there was a graphic that reads “New Year! New You! Get a flatter tummy and a cleaner, healthier body!”. New year? Bitch it’s the middle of June, you are just about as far away from a new year as you can get. Marketing geniuses I tell ya. And flatter tummy, how about concave tummy.
Don’t get dead
It was similar to several other spam e-mails that I have seen but was just a bit different. The subject of the e-mail was “SHED Up To 20LBS: FREE Trail” which seems like a pretty good deal right? I mean it would be nice to drop up to 20 pounds and if I didn’t and it didn’t cost me anything all the better! But there was something, something else that just seemed odd about this one. Oh, I see it now, the sender. Right there under the “From” column was who was sending me the very prestigious offer, it was from “COLON CURE!” I shit you not (pun intended).
So let’s think about this. Someone who is concerned about problems with my colon is also going to help me drop up to 20 pounds. I wonder what the connection is.
I mean I would like to drop 20 pounds. It is swimsuit season after all. So I HAD to open the e-mail!! What wonder of modern science was waiting for me in this e-mail!?
The first thing you see is this EXTREMELY happy looking couple with great big smiles on their face, wonder why they are so happy? Well what do you know? It is a pill that will help me “cleanse” my colon. No wonder they are so happy.
Let’s think about this shall we. If there is 20 pounds of shit in your colon and this wonder pill is going to help you rid yourself of it, one would imagine that you are going to spend a LOT of time on the toilet. So it wont matter what size those jeans are if they are going to be around your ankles all summer. Hell, I can wear a 25 inch waistband if they won’t get above my knees.
And if you have 20 pounds of crap in your colon, YOUR COLON, wouldn’t you have some sort of deformity or a hump on your side or something? I mean I don’t know exactly how big a normal colon is but I know how big 20 pounds of shit is and I am willing to bet I don’t have ANY organs that big!
And even if you don’t have the 20 pounds in your colon I guess I can see how you could loose up to 20 pounds as you will be RUNNING to the bathroom every few minutes while trying to lead a normal life. Start some laundry and trot your happy ass to the bathroom, come out, check some e-mail, jog back to the toilet, turn on the TV, SPRINT back to the can. A treadmill has nothing on this.
But there is more, the product is free. All I would have to do is to pay $3.95 for shipping and handling. This has got to be too good to be true! How in the world could someone GIVE AWAY this wonderful product? My guess is that it is made by the Charmin people or something. Seems like they would have a vested interest in getting this product out to the masses.
But I can’t leave off the attention getting graphics on the right side of this e-mail. From the top down they are read “Satisfaction Guaranteed or your Money Back!”. First off, you said it was a free trial, you going to send me my whopping $3.95 back for shipping? And secondly, I don’t think I would want to speak to anyone who had violated me like that. Keep the four bucks. Then down from that is “Purify, Cleanse, Look Better, Feel Better!”. No! I do not feel better when I am trying to push a side of beef out of my ass. Maybe after said side of beef has passed I will feel better but that would require surgery and pain killers. And who looks better after that? How bad do you look now that you will look “better” after you have just crapped a wombat? I think they mean you will look tired. But if this wasn’t enough, at the bottom there was a graphic that reads “New Year! New You! Get a flatter tummy and a cleaner, healthier body!”. New year? Bitch it’s the middle of June, you are just about as far away from a new year as you can get. Marketing geniuses I tell ya. And flatter tummy, how about concave tummy.
Don’t get dead
Monday, June 16, 2008
A Brand New Car!!
With the price of gas skyrocketing and showing no signs of slowing down, a lot of people are looking into buying new cars. What a Mammoth, royal pain in the ass this is. I have pissed off more car salesmen than George W. Bush has liberals. I just hate the games and I have a solution, I don’t haggle with them. And no, I am not stupid enough to pay their asking price. I just get tired of the time-wasting BS that you have to sit through, so I don’t let the salesmen be in control of the deal.
While buying a new car one time I let the salesman approach me and we begin the process. Of course he wanted to know what I had to trade in. To which I told him not to worry about that part until we agree on the price of the new car. He didn’t dig this but it’s my money, it’s my rules. So he ask me to come inside and let’s “run the numbers”. What he didn’t know was that I had done my research and had the deal cost & the invoice pricing with me. I also had dealer cost on all of the upgrades on the car.
So we are sitting at his desk and he is going through his typical line of BS which I let him finish. Again he tries to get my keys to see what my trade-in was worth. You know, to “speed up the process” while we are doing the paper work. Yeah, we aren’t going to do that until we agree on a price and I tell him that if you ask me for my keys again before we agree on the price that I will leave. I guess he understood because he had this dog with his tail between his legs look to him.
So we are sitting there and he tells me that the car cost $X and I tell him, “You know, that is more than the sticker price on the car right now” and he actually thinks that I am going to fall for this line of “Well the price I gave you is the MSRP and …” to which I tell him to “Stop right there, that is not MSRP, you need to go check your facts. The MSRP on this car is $X”. This guy is already pissing me off but I figure I will see what kind of deal we can work. So he says the words I was waiting to hear “we can probably come off of that a little bit, but I will have to go talk to my manager”. I love this, because this is when my method is the most effective. I looked him straight in the eye and tell him “You got one time, you tell your manager to come back with your best offer if it is in the price range that I am willing to pay we will do business, if not I will get out of your hair.” He has this puzzled look on his face and gets up and goes to the managers office for a few minutes. When he comes back he says we were able to get the car down to $X (not quite three hundred dollars under the sticker price). To which I thank him and tell him that I will be trying somewhere else. He is stumbling and mumbling like a fool and all but begging me to sit back down. “Mr. Sweezey, wait … Mr. Sweezey, let me go back and talk to him some more. Mr. Sweezey, come on now.” To which I told him, “What did I tell you? I told you that you had one shot and that was it, I don’t have time for you to go back and forth all day” He was trying to tell me how it was a negotiating process and blah blah blah. To which I replied that I don’t negotiate very well and that at this rate it was going to take a LONG time to get to the price I am willing to pay. After a brief conversation on the sales floor I busted out with the invoice pricing and the dealer cost which dumbfounded him. He looked at the prices and said “well yeah, those are right”. To which he said how about you sit back down and let talk some more? How about I bend over and you lick my butthole.
Before I could get to my car FOUR people came up to me pretty much begging me to stay and deal with them. I explained the way that I do business and that their salesmen wasn’t willing to work with me. Tah tah.
So I go to another dealership in the area and see the same car and start the processes again. I give the guy the low down that I gave the previous guy. Same song and dance, and I even told him, if you don’t think I will walk out on you give this guy a call and gave him the previous guys business card. So we are sitting there and I was just in a pissy mood so I cut to the chase and said to the guy “Look here is dealer cost, here is invice, and here is what I am willing to pay”.
Brace yourselves because this is about to get good.
The looks at me and says “Mr. Sweezey, you don’t want me to make any money on this deal?” I motion for him to come closers and I lean in over the table and tell him “I don’t give a f&$k if you make a penny on this deal.” I wish I had taken a picture of his expression. You would think that I just violated his mother in front of him.
But I will give him credit, he lasted longer than most of the others. So I give him the speech about having one chance with his manager and if we could make it work great and if not I was going to take off. He did well, he came back and was close to what I was willing to pay but I guess he thought he was going to test the waters with me a bit. By that I mean that I thanked him for his time and wished him good luck on selling that car to someone else. In a feverish rush he was working some numbers and said “Depending on your credit that is like $17 a month, would you really walk away from this deal for $17 a month? My reply to him was “Yep”.
Then this assmunch actually had the audacity to say to me “Come on, you got 17 extra dollars a month right” and told him “Not only do I have $17 a month, I will be keeping that $17 a month.” Again he says I can’t believe you would walk away from this deal over less than $20 a month. Mister, I will walk way from this deal over a quarter. Then he says it’s not really that much difference, hardly anything. So I say “Ok, you pay it then!” He didn’t like that option either. So I take off from this dealership. Sorry buddy but it’s not my problem that you made a piss-pour career choice.
Don’t get dead
While buying a new car one time I let the salesman approach me and we begin the process. Of course he wanted to know what I had to trade in. To which I told him not to worry about that part until we agree on the price of the new car. He didn’t dig this but it’s my money, it’s my rules. So he ask me to come inside and let’s “run the numbers”. What he didn’t know was that I had done my research and had the deal cost & the invoice pricing with me. I also had dealer cost on all of the upgrades on the car.
So we are sitting at his desk and he is going through his typical line of BS which I let him finish. Again he tries to get my keys to see what my trade-in was worth. You know, to “speed up the process” while we are doing the paper work. Yeah, we aren’t going to do that until we agree on a price and I tell him that if you ask me for my keys again before we agree on the price that I will leave. I guess he understood because he had this dog with his tail between his legs look to him.
So we are sitting there and he tells me that the car cost $X and I tell him, “You know, that is more than the sticker price on the car right now” and he actually thinks that I am going to fall for this line of “Well the price I gave you is the MSRP and …” to which I tell him to “Stop right there, that is not MSRP, you need to go check your facts. The MSRP on this car is $X”. This guy is already pissing me off but I figure I will see what kind of deal we can work. So he says the words I was waiting to hear “we can probably come off of that a little bit, but I will have to go talk to my manager”. I love this, because this is when my method is the most effective. I looked him straight in the eye and tell him “You got one time, you tell your manager to come back with your best offer if it is in the price range that I am willing to pay we will do business, if not I will get out of your hair.” He has this puzzled look on his face and gets up and goes to the managers office for a few minutes. When he comes back he says we were able to get the car down to $X (not quite three hundred dollars under the sticker price). To which I thank him and tell him that I will be trying somewhere else. He is stumbling and mumbling like a fool and all but begging me to sit back down. “Mr. Sweezey, wait … Mr. Sweezey, let me go back and talk to him some more. Mr. Sweezey, come on now.” To which I told him, “What did I tell you? I told you that you had one shot and that was it, I don’t have time for you to go back and forth all day” He was trying to tell me how it was a negotiating process and blah blah blah. To which I replied that I don’t negotiate very well and that at this rate it was going to take a LONG time to get to the price I am willing to pay. After a brief conversation on the sales floor I busted out with the invoice pricing and the dealer cost which dumbfounded him. He looked at the prices and said “well yeah, those are right”. To which he said how about you sit back down and let talk some more? How about I bend over and you lick my butthole.
Before I could get to my car FOUR people came up to me pretty much begging me to stay and deal with them. I explained the way that I do business and that their salesmen wasn’t willing to work with me. Tah tah.
So I go to another dealership in the area and see the same car and start the processes again. I give the guy the low down that I gave the previous guy. Same song and dance, and I even told him, if you don’t think I will walk out on you give this guy a call and gave him the previous guys business card. So we are sitting there and I was just in a pissy mood so I cut to the chase and said to the guy “Look here is dealer cost, here is invice, and here is what I am willing to pay”.
Brace yourselves because this is about to get good.
The looks at me and says “Mr. Sweezey, you don’t want me to make any money on this deal?” I motion for him to come closers and I lean in over the table and tell him “I don’t give a f&$k if you make a penny on this deal.” I wish I had taken a picture of his expression. You would think that I just violated his mother in front of him.
But I will give him credit, he lasted longer than most of the others. So I give him the speech about having one chance with his manager and if we could make it work great and if not I was going to take off. He did well, he came back and was close to what I was willing to pay but I guess he thought he was going to test the waters with me a bit. By that I mean that I thanked him for his time and wished him good luck on selling that car to someone else. In a feverish rush he was working some numbers and said “Depending on your credit that is like $17 a month, would you really walk away from this deal for $17 a month? My reply to him was “Yep”.
Then this assmunch actually had the audacity to say to me “Come on, you got 17 extra dollars a month right” and told him “Not only do I have $17 a month, I will be keeping that $17 a month.” Again he says I can’t believe you would walk away from this deal over less than $20 a month. Mister, I will walk way from this deal over a quarter. Then he says it’s not really that much difference, hardly anything. So I say “Ok, you pay it then!” He didn’t like that option either. So I take off from this dealership. Sorry buddy but it’s not my problem that you made a piss-pour career choice.
Don’t get dead
Monday, June 09, 2008
Summer Fun
Ahh yes, school is out and the youth of America have gone wild. All is right in the world. But isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you are out of school for the summer?
I remember one summer when I lived in Tampa that I am surprised I lived thorough it. Not that I did anything all that dangerous (well not that relates to this story) but that I just did stupid shit. If being a moron wasn’t going to kill me, the punishment from my parents or my friend’s parents should have!
It was one of those nights where everyone told their parents they were spending the night at someone else’s house and we went out to pretty much be a menace to society. We didn’t do anything “all that bad”, not that we went out and built homeless shelters either. I mean who does construction at 2 in the morning, right?
I remember this one Saturday night so clearly. Me, George, Jamie and Scott were going to go to this party. We heard that there were supposed to be some girls from a different school there and we wanted to go check them out… oh and something about massive amounts of booze.
So there we are getting ready to go out when a bomb was dropped on us like we were in Hiroshima. Jamie’s mom, who was supposed to be out of town, was home. She wasn’t felling well and canceled a trip, that bitch! We wanted to go out and be hoodlums and she’s going to make us be half-way decent kids. We will see about this!
You see since Jamie’s mom was home, Jamie had to be home by midnight. And since we were going to take her car without her knowing it, with her home this was going to be quite a feat. Seeing as how the oldest one of us was probably around 15 we had pretty much blown right by the paddle store and was about to put the canoe into shit creek.
This would be when George and Scott had an idea, which is ALWAYS (repeat ALWAYS) dangerous. Since Jamie’s mom was not feeling well she was probably going to take some medicine to get some sleep… oh hell, I see where he is going with this. He continues with “She’ll be out cold. All we will have to do is push the car into and out of the driveway and we cool!” Sounds like a great idea right, at least on the surface. The jury is still out on if they are geniuses or madmen.
Scott even goes as far as to off to go ride his bike to the store to pick up some medicine if she needed it.
About 9 o’clock we say that we are going to watch a movie in the living room, this should pretty much force Jamie’s mom to go to bed. Which is all part of the master plan. So she retires to her room and we are watching the clock like we are waiting on the Governor to call with our stay of execution.
About 10:30 Jamie goes to check on his mom and says that she is out cold with the TV on. This is perfect, background noise!
We rush into Jamie’s room and change clothes while Jamie goes and gets the car keys. Finally about 11:00 we are all ready to go and we have the car keys, the car in the driveway, Jamie’s mom is just short of a medicated coma and we have background noise, what could go wrong?!
Out the window we go, Scott gets behind the wheel turns the key and puts the car in neutral. We push it out of the driveway. At this point we decided that this was too close to the house and that we needed to push it down the street just a bit, then we decided it was still to close and we push it a little farther. Jamie thinks we are still to close, Jamie’s ass got out voted this time. Hell, we might as well have pushed the car to the party if we kept going. So we fire up the car and off we go to this party.
It was a good party, lots of people there, music cranked up nice and loud and the cops came twice. Not to bad at all.
Now the party has wound down and it’s evident that it is time to go home. It’s not evident because people are leaving or because the cops told us to go home, it is evident because Jamie is pacing by the door like a puppy who needs to go outside and pee. He keeps on doing the head flinch then motioning to the door as if to say “Let’s get the hell out of here”. I am not sure, but I think he might have been nervous. Of course being the kind, passionate, caring people that we were we would hold up the keys to the car, jingle them, hold up a beer with our other hand, point to the beer and then point to girls. Jamie was PISSED! It was quite funny.
We finally give in and head home around 2:30 in the morning. The closer we got to Jamie’s neighborhood the more freaked out Jamie was getting. We wanted to give him a valium enema just so he would chill out.
So we get to the neighborhood and turned off the car to push it down the street and into the driveway. You know those neighborhoods where every third or fourth house looks alike? Well this was one of those neighborhoods. So we are pushing the car down the street just before 3 in the morning and with a bit of a buzz. If you have ever had to push a car before, you know that when you are tired it’s always easier to push it with your ass while you walk backwards, which is exactly what we are doing while Scott (who was the smallest of us) is steering the car. So Scott pulls into a driveway and we proceed to make our way back into the window of Jamie’s bedroom, me first. So I take the screen off and start to make my way into the house. At this point I stop and turn back to George and say “I think we are busted” which George answers with “Why?” and I said because Jamie’s mom put a lamp here. Jamie says “WHAT!?”
This is where the story gets interesting. Right after Jamie’s oh so nonchalant outburst I hear something in the room moving and it says “DADDY!” actually it yelled “DADDY!” It was a young, maybe 8 years old, African-American girl. Right after that, I see hallway lights coming on and this mountain of a man, who must have played on the offensive line for the Buccaneers, comes FLYING into the bedroom wielding a Louisville Slugger. So there I am pushing back against the window frame yelling “LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT!!” while Jamie, George and Scott are pushing me in yelling “GET IN!! GET IN!!” You know how people say if you are in certain situations that your adrenaline kicks in and you have super strength? Like a mom can pick up a car if her baby is trapped under it. That must have been what happened because I so how ended up falling out of the window and Canseco swung for the fences barely missing me and making confetti out of that lamp. I swear I could feel the breeze from that bat.
So yeah, we screamed like little girls. And then just hauled ass. At first, I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew that I was getting the hell out of there and hoping that I could outrun just one of them. Fortunately Kimbo Slice decided not to pursue us. Somehow we all ended up on the side of Jamie’s house out of breath and crouching down for some reason. Feverishly looking over our shoulders. George says “Damn that was close, but we are home now. Everything is cool” I hate to break it to ya there Einstein but Jamie’s moms car is parking down the street at Andre the Giants house and I will be dammed if I am going back for it tonight. To which George replied with “Oh, yeah, forgot about that” and Jamie let out a round of “OH SHIT!” over and over again, about 30 times in a row. Well nothing we can do about it now and we are damn sure busted so I am going to hop my happy ass into the right window and get some sleep, later fellas! Did I mention that Jamie is still freaking out and telling everyone how it was a bad idea? Yeah, he does that from all the time to all the time.
Bright and early the next morning Mr Giant comes pounding on the door and we all collectively answer the door. Our asses were puckered up so tight that we could have been a diamond factory. But we explained what happened to both Jamie’s mom and the Jolly Brown Giant and prepared ourselves for punishment like had never been seen before. I think I am still on restriction.
Lessons learned from this are Jamie is NEVER to be part of any secret or Governmental affairs, The game Password, Surprise Birthday parties, Charades or anything which requires someone to remain calm. Scott can’t tell the difference between shit and shinola. And George and I drink too much.
Don’t get dead
I remember one summer when I lived in Tampa that I am surprised I lived thorough it. Not that I did anything all that dangerous (well not that relates to this story) but that I just did stupid shit. If being a moron wasn’t going to kill me, the punishment from my parents or my friend’s parents should have!
It was one of those nights where everyone told their parents they were spending the night at someone else’s house and we went out to pretty much be a menace to society. We didn’t do anything “all that bad”, not that we went out and built homeless shelters either. I mean who does construction at 2 in the morning, right?
I remember this one Saturday night so clearly. Me, George, Jamie and Scott were going to go to this party. We heard that there were supposed to be some girls from a different school there and we wanted to go check them out… oh and something about massive amounts of booze.
So there we are getting ready to go out when a bomb was dropped on us like we were in Hiroshima. Jamie’s mom, who was supposed to be out of town, was home. She wasn’t felling well and canceled a trip, that bitch! We wanted to go out and be hoodlums and she’s going to make us be half-way decent kids. We will see about this!
You see since Jamie’s mom was home, Jamie had to be home by midnight. And since we were going to take her car without her knowing it, with her home this was going to be quite a feat. Seeing as how the oldest one of us was probably around 15 we had pretty much blown right by the paddle store and was about to put the canoe into shit creek.
This would be when George and Scott had an idea, which is ALWAYS (repeat ALWAYS) dangerous. Since Jamie’s mom was not feeling well she was probably going to take some medicine to get some sleep… oh hell, I see where he is going with this. He continues with “She’ll be out cold. All we will have to do is push the car into and out of the driveway and we cool!” Sounds like a great idea right, at least on the surface. The jury is still out on if they are geniuses or madmen.
Scott even goes as far as to off to go ride his bike to the store to pick up some medicine if she needed it.
About 9 o’clock we say that we are going to watch a movie in the living room, this should pretty much force Jamie’s mom to go to bed. Which is all part of the master plan. So she retires to her room and we are watching the clock like we are waiting on the Governor to call with our stay of execution.
About 10:30 Jamie goes to check on his mom and says that she is out cold with the TV on. This is perfect, background noise!
We rush into Jamie’s room and change clothes while Jamie goes and gets the car keys. Finally about 11:00 we are all ready to go and we have the car keys, the car in the driveway, Jamie’s mom is just short of a medicated coma and we have background noise, what could go wrong?!
Out the window we go, Scott gets behind the wheel turns the key and puts the car in neutral. We push it out of the driveway. At this point we decided that this was too close to the house and that we needed to push it down the street just a bit, then we decided it was still to close and we push it a little farther. Jamie thinks we are still to close, Jamie’s ass got out voted this time. Hell, we might as well have pushed the car to the party if we kept going. So we fire up the car and off we go to this party.
It was a good party, lots of people there, music cranked up nice and loud and the cops came twice. Not to bad at all.
Now the party has wound down and it’s evident that it is time to go home. It’s not evident because people are leaving or because the cops told us to go home, it is evident because Jamie is pacing by the door like a puppy who needs to go outside and pee. He keeps on doing the head flinch then motioning to the door as if to say “Let’s get the hell out of here”. I am not sure, but I think he might have been nervous. Of course being the kind, passionate, caring people that we were we would hold up the keys to the car, jingle them, hold up a beer with our other hand, point to the beer and then point to girls. Jamie was PISSED! It was quite funny.
We finally give in and head home around 2:30 in the morning. The closer we got to Jamie’s neighborhood the more freaked out Jamie was getting. We wanted to give him a valium enema just so he would chill out.
So we get to the neighborhood and turned off the car to push it down the street and into the driveway. You know those neighborhoods where every third or fourth house looks alike? Well this was one of those neighborhoods. So we are pushing the car down the street just before 3 in the morning and with a bit of a buzz. If you have ever had to push a car before, you know that when you are tired it’s always easier to push it with your ass while you walk backwards, which is exactly what we are doing while Scott (who was the smallest of us) is steering the car. So Scott pulls into a driveway and we proceed to make our way back into the window of Jamie’s bedroom, me first. So I take the screen off and start to make my way into the house. At this point I stop and turn back to George and say “I think we are busted” which George answers with “Why?” and I said because Jamie’s mom put a lamp here. Jamie says “WHAT!?”
This is where the story gets interesting. Right after Jamie’s oh so nonchalant outburst I hear something in the room moving and it says “DADDY!” actually it yelled “DADDY!” It was a young, maybe 8 years old, African-American girl. Right after that, I see hallway lights coming on and this mountain of a man, who must have played on the offensive line for the Buccaneers, comes FLYING into the bedroom wielding a Louisville Slugger. So there I am pushing back against the window frame yelling “LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT!!” while Jamie, George and Scott are pushing me in yelling “GET IN!! GET IN!!” You know how people say if you are in certain situations that your adrenaline kicks in and you have super strength? Like a mom can pick up a car if her baby is trapped under it. That must have been what happened because I so how ended up falling out of the window and Canseco swung for the fences barely missing me and making confetti out of that lamp. I swear I could feel the breeze from that bat.
So yeah, we screamed like little girls. And then just hauled ass. At first, I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew that I was getting the hell out of there and hoping that I could outrun just one of them. Fortunately Kimbo Slice decided not to pursue us. Somehow we all ended up on the side of Jamie’s house out of breath and crouching down for some reason. Feverishly looking over our shoulders. George says “Damn that was close, but we are home now. Everything is cool” I hate to break it to ya there Einstein but Jamie’s moms car is parking down the street at Andre the Giants house and I will be dammed if I am going back for it tonight. To which George replied with “Oh, yeah, forgot about that” and Jamie let out a round of “OH SHIT!” over and over again, about 30 times in a row. Well nothing we can do about it now and we are damn sure busted so I am going to hop my happy ass into the right window and get some sleep, later fellas! Did I mention that Jamie is still freaking out and telling everyone how it was a bad idea? Yeah, he does that from all the time to all the time.
Bright and early the next morning Mr Giant comes pounding on the door and we all collectively answer the door. Our asses were puckered up so tight that we could have been a diamond factory. But we explained what happened to both Jamie’s mom and the Jolly Brown Giant and prepared ourselves for punishment like had never been seen before. I think I am still on restriction.
Lessons learned from this are Jamie is NEVER to be part of any secret or Governmental affairs, The game Password, Surprise Birthday parties, Charades or anything which requires someone to remain calm. Scott can’t tell the difference between shit and shinola. And George and I drink too much.
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Energy Crisis …. Solution!
You know how people say the best ideas are most often the simplest? This is true again. I have the solution to gas prices and energy cost as a whole. And the answer is right in front of our faces, so to speak. And this would make everyone happy. The environmentalist, the people who like their big SUVs, hell, maybe even truckers.
What we have to do is to find a way to liquefy methane. Yeah, farts and burps. Laugh all you want, but we all either have or know someone who has lit a fart. So methane is combustible, as in could be used in an internal combustion engine, yes? They can liquefy propane why not methane?
Think about it, an endless supply of free fuel. Hell, if you ask my wife, our house could be a filling station. Give me a six pack and a half dozen tacos from taco bell and I could fill an RV with no problem. So then we would have to do develop something to capture it in. Some sort funnel device or something I would guess and a bag or something to catch the “fuel” in, then you would take it to the liquefying plant and have them turn it into LM (Liquid Methane) for you to fuel your car or whatever off of. And just think about all of those cows. I heard someone say that cow flatulence was destroying the ozone. Now we capture that methane too! I will drive a car powered by cow fart if it is free. No problem!
There would be no drilling, not clearing of forest, no spills from tankers, no harming of animals, OPEC could kiss all of our asses, no dependency on foreign countries. And the damage to the ozone would slow down tremendously. Hell, if we develop the technology here and we don’t share it, the rest of the world might be dependant on us.
And if we do it right we could have liquefaction machines in our home, you would not have to leave home to fill up. You might even be able to fuel your own home. Fart heated water, burp fueled home electric plant. Use natural gas to cook with, now you can use cow fart, I mean LM gas. The possibilities are quite vast.
The exhaust might be a mother, but we could deal with it I am sure. Hell that might create more jobs, instead of catalytic converters, flatulence converters. Or maybe someone will develop an additive to make it smell better or not at all, like fabreeze. I see companies popping up all over the place.
The Gas-X and Bean-O companies may go out of business but that’s a topic for another time.
Yeah, I know, GENIUS! Off to the paten office.
Don’t get dead.
What we have to do is to find a way to liquefy methane. Yeah, farts and burps. Laugh all you want, but we all either have or know someone who has lit a fart. So methane is combustible, as in could be used in an internal combustion engine, yes? They can liquefy propane why not methane?
Think about it, an endless supply of free fuel. Hell, if you ask my wife, our house could be a filling station. Give me a six pack and a half dozen tacos from taco bell and I could fill an RV with no problem. So then we would have to do develop something to capture it in. Some sort funnel device or something I would guess and a bag or something to catch the “fuel” in, then you would take it to the liquefying plant and have them turn it into LM (Liquid Methane) for you to fuel your car or whatever off of. And just think about all of those cows. I heard someone say that cow flatulence was destroying the ozone. Now we capture that methane too! I will drive a car powered by cow fart if it is free. No problem!
There would be no drilling, not clearing of forest, no spills from tankers, no harming of animals, OPEC could kiss all of our asses, no dependency on foreign countries. And the damage to the ozone would slow down tremendously. Hell, if we develop the technology here and we don’t share it, the rest of the world might be dependant on us.
And if we do it right we could have liquefaction machines in our home, you would not have to leave home to fill up. You might even be able to fuel your own home. Fart heated water, burp fueled home electric plant. Use natural gas to cook with, now you can use cow fart, I mean LM gas. The possibilities are quite vast.
The exhaust might be a mother, but we could deal with it I am sure. Hell that might create more jobs, instead of catalytic converters, flatulence converters. Or maybe someone will develop an additive to make it smell better or not at all, like fabreeze. I see companies popping up all over the place.
The Gas-X and Bean-O companies may go out of business but that’s a topic for another time.
Yeah, I know, GENIUS! Off to the paten office.
Don’t get dead.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Dear Sweezey 5/21/08
Dear Sweezey,
Why is your advice always to “whore it up a bit”?
Thanks,
Awesome in Austin
Dear Awesome,
I am just trying to make the world a better place.
Not satisfied with that answer? I am just trying to make everyone happy. I assume that you are talking about my previous Dear Sweezey blog. That woman wanted to date, I gave her a method to get dates.
Plus, it really is a win/win situation. You women have no idea how much power you have. You want to know how much power you have? I had not even thought about getting married and then bam! Walking down the isle. Kids? I never thought about having kids, bam! Got two. And it’s not just life changing events, I can be asleep in bed and hear “do you want ice cream? I think that I would like ice cream.” The next thing that I know my happy ass is dressed and on my way to the store. The force aint got shit on that!
So why do I advise that women whore it up? Because I know what guys want and if guys get what they want, women will get what they want and everyone is happy. So kick the whore up a bit and who knows, we might have world peace.
Thanks,
Sweezey
Don’t get dead.
Why is your advice always to “whore it up a bit”?
Thanks,
Awesome in Austin
Dear Awesome,
I am just trying to make the world a better place.
Not satisfied with that answer? I am just trying to make everyone happy. I assume that you are talking about my previous Dear Sweezey blog. That woman wanted to date, I gave her a method to get dates.
Plus, it really is a win/win situation. You women have no idea how much power you have. You want to know how much power you have? I had not even thought about getting married and then bam! Walking down the isle. Kids? I never thought about having kids, bam! Got two. And it’s not just life changing events, I can be asleep in bed and hear “do you want ice cream? I think that I would like ice cream.” The next thing that I know my happy ass is dressed and on my way to the store. The force aint got shit on that!
So why do I advise that women whore it up? Because I know what guys want and if guys get what they want, women will get what they want and everyone is happy. So kick the whore up a bit and who knows, we might have world peace.
Thanks,
Sweezey
Don’t get dead.
Monday, May 19, 2008
More stupid saying
The other day I posted about some of the dumb things that I have heard people say and now it appears to be an epidemic. Maybe it is in my psyche, but now I hear them all of the time.
Like the other day I overheard someone say they would do something “in the drop of a hat”. What does that mean? I assume they mean quickly but what kind of hat are we talking about? Like a sombrero? Or what if it is a top hat? I think those would drop much slower than a baseball cap, which is also a hat. And how high are we dropping said hat from? I mean it could take minutes for a hat to drop from the top of a skyscraper. That’s not an impressive display of speed if you ask me. You always have to take physics into account.
Another one about time is “before they knew what hit them”. Well that’s extremely vague. We could be talking about seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. If you walked into a room that I was in and just hit me from behind that would only be a matter of seconds before I knew what hit me. But what if someone was hit by something and went into a coma. That could be quite a long time. It might be years before they knew what hit them. Is this really the cliché that you want to use when you are trying to convey speed?
Then there are all sort of stupid wagering sayings. Such as “bet your bottom dollar”. Who cares what order it is in, it is still only a dollar. Who cares if it is the bottom dollar, the top dollar or the middle dollar? It is still just a dollar, big deal. Or “dollar to a donut”, what? Aren’t donuts like twenty cents each or something? Is that a deal? And who has the dollar and who had the donut? That’s just stupid.
And is there some sort of time altering parallel that I don’t know about? I have heard the phrase “in a New York minute” which I guess means quickly. But does a New York minute have less than 60 seconds? What is it faster than say a Colorado minute? They doing things on the metric scale in the northeast now? And while in Mexico you where hear the Mayan’s say that something will take “five Mexican minutes”, implying that it will take some time. So if a New York minute is quick and five Mexican minutes is a lengthy bit of time, it would appear to be me that the farther north you go the faster things happen? So why is there six months of darkness in Alaska?
Don't get dead
Like the other day I overheard someone say they would do something “in the drop of a hat”. What does that mean? I assume they mean quickly but what kind of hat are we talking about? Like a sombrero? Or what if it is a top hat? I think those would drop much slower than a baseball cap, which is also a hat. And how high are we dropping said hat from? I mean it could take minutes for a hat to drop from the top of a skyscraper. That’s not an impressive display of speed if you ask me. You always have to take physics into account.
Another one about time is “before they knew what hit them”. Well that’s extremely vague. We could be talking about seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. If you walked into a room that I was in and just hit me from behind that would only be a matter of seconds before I knew what hit me. But what if someone was hit by something and went into a coma. That could be quite a long time. It might be years before they knew what hit them. Is this really the cliché that you want to use when you are trying to convey speed?
Then there are all sort of stupid wagering sayings. Such as “bet your bottom dollar”. Who cares what order it is in, it is still only a dollar. Who cares if it is the bottom dollar, the top dollar or the middle dollar? It is still just a dollar, big deal. Or “dollar to a donut”, what? Aren’t donuts like twenty cents each or something? Is that a deal? And who has the dollar and who had the donut? That’s just stupid.
And is there some sort of time altering parallel that I don’t know about? I have heard the phrase “in a New York minute” which I guess means quickly. But does a New York minute have less than 60 seconds? What is it faster than say a Colorado minute? They doing things on the metric scale in the northeast now? And while in Mexico you where hear the Mayan’s say that something will take “five Mexican minutes”, implying that it will take some time. So if a New York minute is quick and five Mexican minutes is a lengthy bit of time, it would appear to be me that the farther north you go the faster things happen? So why is there six months of darkness in Alaska?
Don't get dead
J. G. Wentworth
Have you seen this stupid commercial for J. G. Wentworth? It’s a commercial where people are waiting on a structured settlement or annuity and my guess is that they will give you a lump sum if you sign over the installment to them, but the commercial is just stupid. A segment of the commercial can be seen here
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The commercial starts out with some yo-yo sitting on his couch getting excited and talking to himself or the television when this man, whom I suppose is J. G. Wentworth himself. Then he and several other people go to their window and yell out “IT’S MY MONEY AND I NEED IT NOW!” and one old dude looks really pissed about it. To me this sends the wrong message. To me this commercial is saying there are tons of people who are broke. And can’t manage their money. So in essence they are yelling “I’M BROKE!”
Secondly, why are they yelling? Unless the company who is sending you the annuity or settlement payments are within yelling distance you are just making yourself look even more moronic. And I don’t know a lot of companies who do business by yelling. Phone calls, in person, fax and e-mail - Yes. Yelling out of a window – No. And even if they did do busy by yelling, what if they are far away and can’t hear you? But say they did do business by yell and they can hear you, but you live in Boston and the company who owes you is in LA. If you yell at 8:00 AM in Boston, it’s is only 4:00 AM in the pacific time zone. I, for one, would be way pissed if some dude was yelling at me at 4:00 in the morning about some cash. Dude, you just went to the very bottom of the list of my priorities. This commercial sends the wrong message to me.
But I have not had enough coffee this morning.
Don’t get dead.
"http://www.youtube.com/v/dKuO56Jjn0o&hl=en">
The commercial starts out with some yo-yo sitting on his couch getting excited and talking to himself or the television when this man, whom I suppose is J. G. Wentworth himself. Then he and several other people go to their window and yell out “IT’S MY MONEY AND I NEED IT NOW!” and one old dude looks really pissed about it. To me this sends the wrong message. To me this commercial is saying there are tons of people who are broke. And can’t manage their money. So in essence they are yelling “I’M BROKE!”
Secondly, why are they yelling? Unless the company who is sending you the annuity or settlement payments are within yelling distance you are just making yourself look even more moronic. And I don’t know a lot of companies who do business by yelling. Phone calls, in person, fax and e-mail - Yes. Yelling out of a window – No. And even if they did do busy by yelling, what if they are far away and can’t hear you? But say they did do business by yell and they can hear you, but you live in Boston and the company who owes you is in LA. If you yell at 8:00 AM in Boston, it’s is only 4:00 AM in the pacific time zone. I, for one, would be way pissed if some dude was yelling at me at 4:00 in the morning about some cash. Dude, you just went to the very bottom of the list of my priorities. This commercial sends the wrong message to me.
But I have not had enough coffee this morning.
Don’t get dead.
Friday, May 16, 2008
B BO BOO BOOT BOOTS
This blog really has nothing to do with that sign, just thought about it right before I started to write this.
The other day I was talking with a co-worker who is going to The Netherlands by way of England to see his sister. He just happened to mention that he didn't know what he was going to do on such a long flight and how to adjust to the time change and so on. Which reminded me of a story, imagine that right.
A buddy of mine was flying back from Heathrow to JFK and said that he wasn't able to sleep because of turbulent air and had gotten bored on the flight. Since he had already had a long nap and there is only so much "Everybody Loves Raymond" that you can take in one day. He got up and asked one of the stewardesses about how far they were and she told him that they had not made it quite halfway. Which was not the news he was looking for. At this point he went back to his seat and began to look around the plane and people watch. He said that he was seated on an isle seat and there was this woman across the isle one row up from him was doing something but he could not tell what it was.
About this time the air got rough again. He raised his seat back up and sat up in his seat so that he could better see what she was doing. Now he can see what she is doing and starts to giggle. But he is not able to mask his amusement and the guy sitting next to him looks over and sees what the lady is doing and begins to chuckle as well. Long story, short version is that several people in the area hear them giggling and look over to see what they are giggling at.
The lady was praying the rosary. But not just praying, she was taking turns praying and cussing. So every time they would hit rough air she would cuss and then start to pray again immeditly after. So they would hit turbulence and she would yell out "SHIT!" and then start "Hail Mary, full of grace (turbulence) DAMNIT! Hail Mary, SON OF A BITCH.. Hail Mary, full FUCK! Hail…" He said that they watched her for several minutes and don't think that she ever finished the prayer.
Don't get dead
The other day I was talking with a co-worker who is going to The Netherlands by way of England to see his sister. He just happened to mention that he didn't know what he was going to do on such a long flight and how to adjust to the time change and so on. Which reminded me of a story, imagine that right.
A buddy of mine was flying back from Heathrow to JFK and said that he wasn't able to sleep because of turbulent air and had gotten bored on the flight. Since he had already had a long nap and there is only so much "Everybody Loves Raymond" that you can take in one day. He got up and asked one of the stewardesses about how far they were and she told him that they had not made it quite halfway. Which was not the news he was looking for. At this point he went back to his seat and began to look around the plane and people watch. He said that he was seated on an isle seat and there was this woman across the isle one row up from him was doing something but he could not tell what it was.
About this time the air got rough again. He raised his seat back up and sat up in his seat so that he could better see what she was doing. Now he can see what she is doing and starts to giggle. But he is not able to mask his amusement and the guy sitting next to him looks over and sees what the lady is doing and begins to chuckle as well. Long story, short version is that several people in the area hear them giggling and look over to see what they are giggling at.
The lady was praying the rosary. But not just praying, she was taking turns praying and cussing. So every time they would hit rough air she would cuss and then start to pray again immeditly after. So they would hit turbulence and she would yell out "SHIT!" and then start "Hail Mary, full of grace (turbulence) DAMNIT! Hail Mary, SON OF A BITCH.. Hail Mary, full FUCK! Hail…" He said that they watched her for several minutes and don't think that she ever finished the prayer.
Don't get dead
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Dear Sweezey
Dear Sweezey,
I am so disgusted with dating. Several years ago, I went out about once a week and then decided I just wasn't meeting the right kind of men. So, I took some time off. Then my friends, family, neighbors, clients all had someone they wanted to set me up with. I tired that. I have also gone the tradional route, no luck.
I am a very attractive woman who is not shallow, rude or obnoxious to others. I have a great career, own a home in an upscale area, financially secure, in shape and can not meet a decent man to save my life.
I am not looking to get married and I do not kiss on the first date or spread my legs. Maybe, that's the problem, I'm not easy. I am not a snob and I don't brag.
I had this guy that was interested, but I kind of thought he was a player. So, I ignored him and then he really started calling and texting. We went out a couple of times and each time, he said he had a great time. He is everything women say they want in a man, the total package. But, the minute I tell him I can't go to lunch with him because I have to go out of town on business, he gets off the phone and says, "call me when you get back," It was a friggen day trip, not a month long trip to Europe. So, when I get back I call and his mailbox is full and his phone is turned off. I send a text and tell him I'm home and NOTHING! No return text and no phone call.
Why for the love of God can a man not appreciate a good woman? I really am ready to give up. I'm just done.
And guys wonder why women don't really give a **** anymore. Most are married and just want something on the side. Very few are really single, many have girlfriends. No matter how pretty, smart, funny or kind you are, they are looking for the quick score. I'm everything a man would want and I'd rather set home than deal with the crap anymore.
Does anyone else feel this way? I know women are jerks too and I don't want to suggest it's only men. I'm sure a lot of them have given up too.
Please help,
Dating after 40
Dear Dating,
The answer to your situation is rather simple. You need to whore it up a bit. What are you a nun or something? Go to your closet take your sluttiest cougar clothes off of the hanger and put them on. Then put your morals on that hanger, they are getting in the way. Then you need to go to a bar and start throwing back yaggrerbombs like they are baby aspirins. When you are feeling good, kick the bitch up a notch. This will drive the guys crazy. After that, go find a guy that you like, grab him by his belt buckle and drag him to your car. You should be banging like a cotton gin by Friday. And that’s what dating is all about. You got your golden years to be friends with guys, you need to work that money maker while you can.
You want to know why that guy didn’t call you back after your day trip? No goodbye hummer before you left, that’s why. If you would have blown his mind before you left he would have met you at the airport when you got back. Guys appreciate good women, we don’t date them, but we appreciate them … from a far. Now if you change your mind and decide that are you are looking to get married, well best of luck to ya.
Sweezey
Don't get dead
I am so disgusted with dating. Several years ago, I went out about once a week and then decided I just wasn't meeting the right kind of men. So, I took some time off. Then my friends, family, neighbors, clients all had someone they wanted to set me up with. I tired that. I have also gone the tradional route, no luck.
I am a very attractive woman who is not shallow, rude or obnoxious to others. I have a great career, own a home in an upscale area, financially secure, in shape and can not meet a decent man to save my life.
I am not looking to get married and I do not kiss on the first date or spread my legs. Maybe, that's the problem, I'm not easy. I am not a snob and I don't brag.
I had this guy that was interested, but I kind of thought he was a player. So, I ignored him and then he really started calling and texting. We went out a couple of times and each time, he said he had a great time. He is everything women say they want in a man, the total package. But, the minute I tell him I can't go to lunch with him because I have to go out of town on business, he gets off the phone and says, "call me when you get back," It was a friggen day trip, not a month long trip to Europe. So, when I get back I call and his mailbox is full and his phone is turned off. I send a text and tell him I'm home and NOTHING! No return text and no phone call.
Why for the love of God can a man not appreciate a good woman? I really am ready to give up. I'm just done.
And guys wonder why women don't really give a **** anymore. Most are married and just want something on the side. Very few are really single, many have girlfriends. No matter how pretty, smart, funny or kind you are, they are looking for the quick score. I'm everything a man would want and I'd rather set home than deal with the crap anymore.
Does anyone else feel this way? I know women are jerks too and I don't want to suggest it's only men. I'm sure a lot of them have given up too.
Please help,
Dating after 40
Dear Dating,
The answer to your situation is rather simple. You need to whore it up a bit. What are you a nun or something? Go to your closet take your sluttiest cougar clothes off of the hanger and put them on. Then put your morals on that hanger, they are getting in the way. Then you need to go to a bar and start throwing back yaggrerbombs like they are baby aspirins. When you are feeling good, kick the bitch up a notch. This will drive the guys crazy. After that, go find a guy that you like, grab him by his belt buckle and drag him to your car. You should be banging like a cotton gin by Friday. And that’s what dating is all about. You got your golden years to be friends with guys, you need to work that money maker while you can.
You want to know why that guy didn’t call you back after your day trip? No goodbye hummer before you left, that’s why. If you would have blown his mind before you left he would have met you at the airport when you got back. Guys appreciate good women, we don’t date them, but we appreciate them … from a far. Now if you change your mind and decide that are you are looking to get married, well best of luck to ya.
Sweezey
Don't get dead
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Late night visitor
One night the better half and I are sound asleep when something wakes me around 3 in the morning. It’s one of those things where you say to yourself “Did I just hear the doorbell?” which was immediately followed by the thought of “I am going to have to kill a mother fucker”. Look, I have two small children, so sleep is at a premium in mi casa. About this time I look over and my wife is sitting up in bed and we say to each other “Was that the doorbell?” Ahh hell, it had to be because we both thought we heard it. So I go check to make sure that my “home security system” is loaded and take the trigger lock off of it. While I am doing this, I look over and my wife is going to answer the door. So I rush out of the bedroom and look out this huge window that is over our front door (our master bed room is upstairs) and I see a van creeeeeeeping up the street with the headlights off. I quietly call her name and she looks at me like WHAT?! So I say to her “what the fuck are you doing?” and she says “answering the door” like I am some dumbass.
I can see that you are answering the door, the more important question is why. To which I replied to her with two words “HOME INVASION”. I am getting ready to put holes in people and she is getting ready to be quite the little pre-dawn hostess, lovely.
So she makes it to the door, flips on the outside light and pulls back one of the side window curtains and says “Can I help you?”.
Anyone want to take a stab at what the person on the other side of the door said? Come on make a guess, I will wait. Take your best shot. I bet you are not even close.
The response we hear coming from the other side of the door is and I quote “We are here for the body”. The only reply that we could muster was “cuse me!?”. To which this older white woman dressed in business attire and wearing a name tag replied “I am here for the body” while waving a toe tag.
Buy this time I am downstairs and I am not sure how I got there. Wha… how… huh? What do you mean you are here for the body?
This had to look like something out of a movie or TV show because the wife and I looked at each other then looked at the woman through the window and then looked back at each other with a shoulder shrug and the big eyes. So I look out the window and the van that I saw was from a funeral home and the guy is getting the stretcher and body bag out. Woah lady! What are you talking about, I don’t understand what you mean you are here for the body.
So looks at her clipboard and says is this such and such address which was close to ours. Whew, no you are at the wrong address. So she looks back and says so this isn’t such and such nursing home?
Ok, you’re a nice lady and all but does this look like a fucking nursing home in the middle of a neighborhood? Sorry, but at 3am when you have woken me, courtesy is in VERY limited supply. She apologizes and tells the guy at the van that they are at the wrong address.
After doing a quick check of the kids and making sure that they are still breathing we both go back to our room. So there I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling fan saying over and over again “That was fucking weird”. After about 45 minutes of that, I realized that I was going to beat rush hour traffic that morning and went to get ready for work.
Don’t get dead.
I can see that you are answering the door, the more important question is why. To which I replied to her with two words “HOME INVASION”. I am getting ready to put holes in people and she is getting ready to be quite the little pre-dawn hostess, lovely.
So she makes it to the door, flips on the outside light and pulls back one of the side window curtains and says “Can I help you?”.
Anyone want to take a stab at what the person on the other side of the door said? Come on make a guess, I will wait. Take your best shot. I bet you are not even close.
The response we hear coming from the other side of the door is and I quote “We are here for the body”. The only reply that we could muster was “cuse me!?”. To which this older white woman dressed in business attire and wearing a name tag replied “I am here for the body” while waving a toe tag.
Buy this time I am downstairs and I am not sure how I got there. Wha… how… huh? What do you mean you are here for the body?
This had to look like something out of a movie or TV show because the wife and I looked at each other then looked at the woman through the window and then looked back at each other with a shoulder shrug and the big eyes. So I look out the window and the van that I saw was from a funeral home and the guy is getting the stretcher and body bag out. Woah lady! What are you talking about, I don’t understand what you mean you are here for the body.
So looks at her clipboard and says is this such and such address which was close to ours. Whew, no you are at the wrong address. So she looks back and says so this isn’t such and such nursing home?
Ok, you’re a nice lady and all but does this look like a fucking nursing home in the middle of a neighborhood? Sorry, but at 3am when you have woken me, courtesy is in VERY limited supply. She apologizes and tells the guy at the van that they are at the wrong address.
After doing a quick check of the kids and making sure that they are still breathing we both go back to our room. So there I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling fan saying over and over again “That was fucking weird”. After about 45 minutes of that, I realized that I was going to beat rush hour traffic that morning and went to get ready for work.
Don’t get dead.
Hidden Camera Reality Television
I just realized that I haven't posted much on why I swear that I must be on some hidden TV show, like the movie "The Truman Show".
First off, let me hip you cool cats to my neighbors. On one side we have the side we the swingers, no seriously they are swingers. They even had a topless Halloween party. But if I paid as much for a body as the wife did, I would show it off too. Just not in the front yard dressed as topless Wonder Woman. They also like to watch porno… on the back porch that I could see from my kitchen window. In case you were wondering, Vivid Video's Naughty Nurses IV is good stuff.
Then on the other side there are the terrorist. No, they aren't mean or malicious or anything like that. In fact they are just the opposite. They are an overly nice and pretty quite Middle Eastern family. But think about it, every time they interview the neighbors of a bombing suspect, what do they say? Oh they were quite and kept to themselves, blah blah blah. But they are secretive. Like if I am cutting grass and they have the blinds open, they will close the blinds and they wont make eye contact. I am on to you Al Qaeda.
Of course in our old house, I came home to a note on the door one day that said someone from the Department of Defense wanted to speak with me about one of our neighbors.
And if the neighbors weren't enough to make you realize that it's a hidden camera reality show, then there is the other "cast members" who we have to interact with. Like the other day when while in a store my daughter asked a Middle Eastern woman, who was obviously married, if she knew that someone had drawn on her face. And then she told the woman that she shouldn't let people draw on her face. How do you save grace after that? You just got to move along.
This kind of shit don't happen to normal people.
I just hope the prizes at the end of the season are really good ones.
Don't get dead
First off, let me hip you cool cats to my neighbors. On one side we have the side we the swingers, no seriously they are swingers. They even had a topless Halloween party. But if I paid as much for a body as the wife did, I would show it off too. Just not in the front yard dressed as topless Wonder Woman. They also like to watch porno… on the back porch that I could see from my kitchen window. In case you were wondering, Vivid Video's Naughty Nurses IV is good stuff.
Then on the other side there are the terrorist. No, they aren't mean or malicious or anything like that. In fact they are just the opposite. They are an overly nice and pretty quite Middle Eastern family. But think about it, every time they interview the neighbors of a bombing suspect, what do they say? Oh they were quite and kept to themselves, blah blah blah. But they are secretive. Like if I am cutting grass and they have the blinds open, they will close the blinds and they wont make eye contact. I am on to you Al Qaeda.
Of course in our old house, I came home to a note on the door one day that said someone from the Department of Defense wanted to speak with me about one of our neighbors.
And if the neighbors weren't enough to make you realize that it's a hidden camera reality show, then there is the other "cast members" who we have to interact with. Like the other day when while in a store my daughter asked a Middle Eastern woman, who was obviously married, if she knew that someone had drawn on her face. And then she told the woman that she shouldn't let people draw on her face. How do you save grace after that? You just got to move along.
This kind of shit don't happen to normal people.
I just hope the prizes at the end of the season are really good ones.
Don't get dead
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Just think before you speak
The other night me and this dame when to check out a flick. While we were watching the previews for upcoming movies there was one for the Speed Racer movie. During this preview the cast and crew was being interviewed when someone on the crew said that they “wanted to make a movie like no one has ever seen before”. Really?! A live action movie based on a cartoon. You’re breaking new ground there Copernicus. You think that is something like people have never seen before? Have you ever heard of a little film called Batman? Or maybe the Fantastic Four, X-Men, more recently Horton Hears a Who or even How the Grinch Stole Christmas? I am sure there are more, I just don’t care to research it. You really want to make a movie like no one has ever seen before, make Rhinoceros porn. I am pretty sure no one has ever seen that, I damn sure haven’t. Anyway.
So that got me to thinking about some of the other stupid things that people say. Like “New and Improved”, well not shit. Do you really think anyone would go for a “New! and worse than ever before” marketing campaign? What is the purpose of making something new if you are not going to improve it?
Another one I hear is “While supplies last”. Do you really have to tell people that you can only sell something for as long as you have it to sell? Isn’t that kind of a given?
“Built to last” is another one. Is that as opposed to “built to fall apart as soon as the warranty expires”? Or maybe “built to break as soon as it leaves the store”.
And of course there is “I’m just speechless”. Apparently not, because you just said something, I heard it. Which is also along the lines of “Needless to say”. Well then just do us all a favor and don’t say it. It will save you the energy and my ears from having to hear it and both of our time. Deal?
Of course you can’t leave out “You have to see it to believe it”. I don’t know why but I believe that cavemen existed but I didn’t see them. Ehh, any way.
Then there is “We can agree to disagree”. Holy hell, no, if you disagree then you are not agreeing on anything. If you both agree to disagree then you are not disagreeing are you.
Oh and this one; “This is your only choice”. So what are my other choices? What? There aren’t any other choices? Well then that’s not a choice now is it? Rephrase your statement stupidass.
Can’t leave out “First things first”. No shit. Ever wonder why you don’t do the last thing first? Or even the third thing first? Because you will have fucked it up and then we have to keep you away from the scissors and tape mittens to your hands.
Another one that I have heard is “highly illegal”. So are something’s mildly illegal or illegal light? Correct me if I am wrong, but there is no gray area in the legal/illegal arena.
And while I am on it, the word “elegant” is being WAY over used. Therefore demeaning the word and making it a bit common place.
My brother gets on his soap box when people use the phrase “Do you see what I am saying” to which he goes into a tirade of not being able to actually SEE words.
And someone that I used to work with had a thing about ATM machine and PIN number. Because ATM is an abbreviation for Automatic Teller Machine, therefore it is not an Automatic Teller Machine Machine. Just like PIN is an abbreviation of Person Identification Number, not Person Identification Number Number.
I know that I had more but I just can’t remember them right now. So what stupid things do you hear people say?
Don't get dead
So that got me to thinking about some of the other stupid things that people say. Like “New and Improved”, well not shit. Do you really think anyone would go for a “New! and worse than ever before” marketing campaign? What is the purpose of making something new if you are not going to improve it?
Another one I hear is “While supplies last”. Do you really have to tell people that you can only sell something for as long as you have it to sell? Isn’t that kind of a given?
“Built to last” is another one. Is that as opposed to “built to fall apart as soon as the warranty expires”? Or maybe “built to break as soon as it leaves the store”.
And of course there is “I’m just speechless”. Apparently not, because you just said something, I heard it. Which is also along the lines of “Needless to say”. Well then just do us all a favor and don’t say it. It will save you the energy and my ears from having to hear it and both of our time. Deal?
Of course you can’t leave out “You have to see it to believe it”. I don’t know why but I believe that cavemen existed but I didn’t see them. Ehh, any way.
Then there is “We can agree to disagree”. Holy hell, no, if you disagree then you are not agreeing on anything. If you both agree to disagree then you are not disagreeing are you.
Oh and this one; “This is your only choice”. So what are my other choices? What? There aren’t any other choices? Well then that’s not a choice now is it? Rephrase your statement stupidass.
Can’t leave out “First things first”. No shit. Ever wonder why you don’t do the last thing first? Or even the third thing first? Because you will have fucked it up and then we have to keep you away from the scissors and tape mittens to your hands.
Another one that I have heard is “highly illegal”. So are something’s mildly illegal or illegal light? Correct me if I am wrong, but there is no gray area in the legal/illegal arena.
And while I am on it, the word “elegant” is being WAY over used. Therefore demeaning the word and making it a bit common place.
My brother gets on his soap box when people use the phrase “Do you see what I am saying” to which he goes into a tirade of not being able to actually SEE words.
And someone that I used to work with had a thing about ATM machine and PIN number. Because ATM is an abbreviation for Automatic Teller Machine, therefore it is not an Automatic Teller Machine Machine. Just like PIN is an abbreviation of Person Identification Number, not Person Identification Number Number.
I know that I had more but I just can’t remember them right now. So what stupid things do you hear people say?
Don't get dead
Monday, April 21, 2008
Restaurant reviews
Actually this really isn’t a review, but more of a guide that you can use to tell if a restaurant has good food. Even if you have never been in the place. All you need to do is take a look at the people going into or out of the place. Various customer types are a pretty damn good sign of the quality of the food. Of course there are a few caveats (such as location (near a major highway or interstate), time of day/day of the week if near a business area, tourist and restaurants in a mall parking lots) which make a restaurant hard to gauge. Special events such as car shows, radio remotes and grand openings nullify the guide. Also, you can’t really use this guide on chain or franchise restaurants.
With that being said, let’s get started.
Hamburger joints – If you see white guys with beer bellies, find a parking spot. This is a dead give-a-way on burger joints. Especially if they are wearing softball “jerseys” which are usually a t-shirt with either an iron on or screen printed team name and a number on the back. Also, if this is not near an interstate, truckers are a big indication that the burgers are good. Beware of advertised beer specials because this can skew the actual interest of the cliental. If said pot-bellied men are with families, keep looking.
Chinese food non-buffet – This one is easy, fat people and Asian people. Obviously Asian people are going to know good Chinese food. But fat people usually like really good food when you have to pay by the dish.
Chinese food with a buffet – This one is really hard. The buffet takes fat people out as a guide. They could be there for the shear volume of available food at the same price along. Asian people are going to be the best guide you can use again because they are going to know good food. So for this one you have to take another factor into concept, the cars in the parking lot. People who drive expensive cars can probably afford to eat where they want so if they are in a buffet chances are the food is going to be pretty good.
Italian food – Again, pretty easy. Fat older white guys with slicked back hair wearing either suits or open collar shirts unbuttoned halfway down their chest. The more they look like they have a hard time breathing the better the sauce is going to be. And if the parking lot is full of large American made luxury cars go ahead and loosen your belt. Don’t be afraid to use the chin factor to grade this place. That is the number of people in the restaurant multiplied by the number of chins they have. Grade on the 100 point scale. A turkey neck counts as three chins.
Steak house - Man, here we go, this one takes a bit of time because of so many factors to weigh. Valet parking is going to be a good sign, mini vans could be deadly. If they have valet then chances are that the price is on the high side. Places that charge more typically have good food, but don’t forget to take the grand opening factor into account, make sure this place has been open at least one year. Now you may say why are mini-vans deadly? Because minivans = kids. While the kids might not be there their parents are and they very well could be out on a “date night” where they are looking for the “experience” and not into the food. All you can eat ANYTHING throws the guide off too, even if it’s a salad bar. Again, simply put, when it cost the same regardless of how much you eat is going to draw the masses. You have to use your best judgment with this one. Look at the parking lot and check out the volume and types of cars in the parking lot. A full parking lot at a reasonable priced place could be a red flag. But if it is full of Lexus’, Tahoes, Lincoln Town Cars, BMWs and so on you are probably ok. If it is full of Astro vans, Mustangs and Cameros … this might not be the taste explosion that you are looking for. But if there is a wait to get into the place on a Tuesday night, it might be worth it.
Bar-B-Q – Much like steak houses this one is tricky to pinpoint. You can’t go on the amount of cars in the parking lot. And you can’t go on types of cars. So you have to work with a couple of factors in this one. First off, what part of the country are you in? If you are in Texas and the bar-b-q place has a pig in their advertising and there is a crowd the chances are decent that the food is good. Reason behind that is because Texas is beef country. Same goes for the deep south. If you are in any state that has a team in the SEC and they have a cow in their advertisement and a semi-full parking lot, chances are that the food is good. The southeast is pork bbq country. One of the biggest clues is going to be the smell test. Side note on the smell test, if you are “starving” the smell is going to throw you off. The all you can eat rule always applies to bbq. The Texas rule applies to Kansas City Bar-B-Q just like the SEC rule applies to Memphis Bar-B-Q. Work/Pick-up trucks are actually a pretty good clue on bar-b-q where as imported luxury cars are going to be a deterrent in most cases.
Mexican food – First and foremost when it comes to Mexican food is if you see the word “Authentic” the food probably taste like a frozen dinner. Most of what I have had in various parts of the country is Tex-Mex. Mexican food is actually very different. Most of it is seafood based and served with rice pilaf or long grain wild rice. Stuff like that. Refried beans, queso and tortillas are Tex-Mex for the most part. Another thing to consider shying away from is beer lights. If the windows are filled with neon beer lights the food might not be the big seller there. So we are really talking about Tex-Mex. If the specials are advertised outside of the restaurant that’s not a good sign. If there are Mexican flags everywhere, this is a bad sign as well. Pretty much if it looks like they are trying to hard, they probably are. Depending on the location the parking lot is going to be your best gauge here, but not how you think. Not low riders and pickups, well maybe but not in a stereotype kind of a way. Pretty much look for working class people cars. Especially if there are other “Mexican” food restaurants in the area.
Sandwich shops – Believe it or not, college aged people are going to be a damn good indicator if a sub shop has good food. I mean think about it, they live on this shit at that age.
Greek – Yuppies. Yeah, that’s it. Your 20s to 30s aged people who are white collar professionals. For the most part in the Greek community, there is someone at home who can cook the same if not better food at home for free. If you see hairy men with a unibrow, they probably own the place.
Indian food – This one is pretty much straight forward. Middle Eastern people in business casual clothing. For pretty much the same reason as the Greek community. Someone at home is making the same stuff if not better. But there are a lot of middle eastern people who work in the technology field and they know good Indian food. For this one, you have to go during the week around lunch time. Mini-vans and sedans are a good sign here.
Sushi – Pretty much straight out, look for wealthy white people in expensive cars. It’s the “in” thing right now. One other really good guide is to find a small, discrete sushi place where there are nothing but Asian people. If you ask me, they got the right idea when it comes to food. For really good food, they don’t tell a lot of other people about it. But those are few and far between.
I will have to continue this later but right now I am tired and I got other shit to do. Let me know if you are curious about any other type of restaurant.
PSA
My blogs will probably, at one time or another, offend you if they haven't already. It's not personal and I try to spread it out evenly. So don't get all pissy with me if you read something you don't like. Not like I made you click on the link. And you probably got a chuckle or two when it was aimed at someone else.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Thinking about doing something a little different with my blog.
In an effort to keep this blog new and interesting, I am thinking about using my blog to post an advice column. Yeah, like Dear Abby. But with my own unique twist on it. People can leave me a message here or e-mail me and I will post their question and give my advice on the situation. Of course everything will be anonymous.
A sample of how this would go would be as follows. Pretending that it is the middle of the winter that is.
Dear Sweezey,
I live in an apartment complex in Northern Virginia where there is an unspoken rule that if you shovel the ice and snow out of a parking space, the space is your until the snow and ice melts. Everyone in the complex seems to obey this rule except for some of the guest of one of this one guy. They park, for days at a time sometimes, in any spot they want. This wouldn’t be a big deal if parking wasn’t very limited in our complex. How can I and the other tenants get the message across that they are violating the parking space rule?
Thanks,
Pissed off on the Potomac.
Dear Pissed off,
I can completely understand your frustration. There are several methods that you could use to convey that unspoken and understood rule that the people who actually pay rent in the complex have among each other. You could speak to your leasing office to see if there is some way to distinguish “tenant” parking and “guest” parking, or you could leave a note under the windshield wiper briefly explaining the situation or if you would so bold you could leave a not on the door of the neighbor and ask them to relay the message to their guest.
But if you really want to make a statement, let Mother Nature help you! Since it is the middle of the winter and you said that they sometimes park there for days at a time, go get a pitcher like an iced tea pitcher and fill with cold water and simply pour it along the perimeter of the cars doors. So pour it all around the driver side and passenger side doors. A few hours later repeat the previous process over and over again. Assuming that the temperature is or will be below freezing, this will make getting into their car somewhat tricky.
Of course if you had no regard for the law, and I am sure that you are a law abiding citizen, you could use hot water and go for the windshield. Which would make it look like a spider made house all over the windshield. But that would be bad.
Pleasant parking,
Sweezey
A sample of how this would go would be as follows. Pretending that it is the middle of the winter that is.
Dear Sweezey,
I live in an apartment complex in Northern Virginia where there is an unspoken rule that if you shovel the ice and snow out of a parking space, the space is your until the snow and ice melts. Everyone in the complex seems to obey this rule except for some of the guest of one of this one guy. They park, for days at a time sometimes, in any spot they want. This wouldn’t be a big deal if parking wasn’t very limited in our complex. How can I and the other tenants get the message across that they are violating the parking space rule?
Thanks,
Pissed off on the Potomac.
Dear Pissed off,
I can completely understand your frustration. There are several methods that you could use to convey that unspoken and understood rule that the people who actually pay rent in the complex have among each other. You could speak to your leasing office to see if there is some way to distinguish “tenant” parking and “guest” parking, or you could leave a note under the windshield wiper briefly explaining the situation or if you would so bold you could leave a not on the door of the neighbor and ask them to relay the message to their guest.
But if you really want to make a statement, let Mother Nature help you! Since it is the middle of the winter and you said that they sometimes park there for days at a time, go get a pitcher like an iced tea pitcher and fill with cold water and simply pour it along the perimeter of the cars doors. So pour it all around the driver side and passenger side doors. A few hours later repeat the previous process over and over again. Assuming that the temperature is or will be below freezing, this will make getting into their car somewhat tricky.
Of course if you had no regard for the law, and I am sure that you are a law abiding citizen, you could use hot water and go for the windshield. Which would make it look like a spider made house all over the windshield. But that would be bad.
Pleasant parking,
Sweezey
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Storms
For the last week or so the Dallas area has been getting hit with some pretty heavy storms. Which is great, I love storms. But last night was a doozy. Something woke me up about a quarter to 3 or so this morning and as I lay there trying to get back to sleep I could tell that the wind was really picking up and shortly after the severe weather sirens were going off. Since I had been asleep I turned on the television to see what was going on. Line of storms, rotating winds, hail, blah blah blah. So we go get the kids and put them in our bed and I went into the game room to watch the news and see what was going on as the kids were going back to sleep. About this time the electricity goes off. Well this sucks, I am up in the early hours of the morning, it’s storming out and I am wide awake. It is about this time that I felt the call of nature. So as I am making my way to the bathroom in the pitch black of night during a storm I started to chuckle. The following story is why.
Spring Break come hell or high water, almost literally.
Way back around the time that I was in high school a group of us decided that we were going to go to the beach together and all went in on a beach house. If memory serves, there were about 8 of us staying in this house. Most of the week was great, typical spring break stuff, being loud, drinking, hanging out on the beach by day and partying by night.
Then one day the skies got cloudy and kind of dark and the winds picked up. Guess we will be partying indoors this afternoon. Somehow about 30 people ended up in our beach house but who cares right? Someone crank up 97.7 FM – Pirate Radio! And that’s when I heard it, that annoying ass beeeeeeeeeeppppp tone. What is this crap, right in the middle of “Alive” by Pearl Jam, that’s just wrong. Oh, it’s some weather crap, oh wait what’s that they are saying, a tropical something-another is headed our way, it’s what? Like a small hurricane? Oh ok. And then boom, lights go out. Well shit! Fortunately the boom box we were listening too had good batteries in it, because Pirate Radio was rockin that afternoon. It was at about this point that someone made the announcement of “Do NOT open the refrigerator unless you KNOW that you are going to get a beer out”, got to keep the beer cold you know, priorities and all that.
So the wind seems like it is whipping up around 100 MPH, the rain is going sideways and it is pitch black outside at 3:30 in the afternoon with the occasional lightning strike that seemed like it was hitting the house. But the beer is still nice and cold, we are going to be ok.
Someone found some candles, god only knows where but they did. But we didn’t really need candles, the light from about 30 cigarettes all light at the same time actually put out a decent bit of light. Man the inside of that house looked like London.
So we got a miniscule amount of light, a few dozen “young adults”, beer o’plenty, enough smokes to go around and oh yeah, this weather thing going on outside. HURRICANE PARTY!!! Oh hell yeah.
In case you didn’t know, youth + alcohol + beach – parents + wicked weather – common sense = narrowly escaping death.
About this time I see this girl who we will call “Mandy” making these fidget motions. At first I thought she was dancing or something. I keep watching her and after a while I notice this grimace on her face. So I walk over to her and ask her if she’s ok. To which she replies “No”. So I asked her what was wrong and she gives me the brush off answer of “nothing, it will be okay”. Alrighty then, spaz on. As I go to walk back over to where I was she grabs my arm and ask me if I know when the power is coming back on. Well, I am good but I can’t really predict the future. So I just tell her that I am sure it will be soon and ask her why. She does this shimmy/shake/fidget move again and leans in and whispers to me “I got to pee”. Okay, what the hell does that have to do with the power coming back on, go pee. So then it hit me, she can’t see. So I offer to help her and tell her that I can hold a candle or something for her.
This is where it gets humorous to me.
She gives me a stupid look and says “No, that’s not it”. So now I have to ask because I have to know. I lean in towards her and say “well what is it then?”, she looks me dead in the face and says “Well the toilet wont flush if the power is out”.
Now I got to find a mop because I just spit out the beer I was trying to drink. I am guessing that my reaction might have tipped her off to the invalidity of her assumption and she follows that up with “will it?”
Oh yeah, that’s right, we got those new plug in toilets. Good point.
Please god let her be sterile.
Don't get dead
Spring Break come hell or high water, almost literally.
Way back around the time that I was in high school a group of us decided that we were going to go to the beach together and all went in on a beach house. If memory serves, there were about 8 of us staying in this house. Most of the week was great, typical spring break stuff, being loud, drinking, hanging out on the beach by day and partying by night.
Then one day the skies got cloudy and kind of dark and the winds picked up. Guess we will be partying indoors this afternoon. Somehow about 30 people ended up in our beach house but who cares right? Someone crank up 97.7 FM – Pirate Radio! And that’s when I heard it, that annoying ass beeeeeeeeeeppppp tone. What is this crap, right in the middle of “Alive” by Pearl Jam, that’s just wrong. Oh, it’s some weather crap, oh wait what’s that they are saying, a tropical something-another is headed our way, it’s what? Like a small hurricane? Oh ok. And then boom, lights go out. Well shit! Fortunately the boom box we were listening too had good batteries in it, because Pirate Radio was rockin that afternoon. It was at about this point that someone made the announcement of “Do NOT open the refrigerator unless you KNOW that you are going to get a beer out”, got to keep the beer cold you know, priorities and all that.
So the wind seems like it is whipping up around 100 MPH, the rain is going sideways and it is pitch black outside at 3:30 in the afternoon with the occasional lightning strike that seemed like it was hitting the house. But the beer is still nice and cold, we are going to be ok.
Someone found some candles, god only knows where but they did. But we didn’t really need candles, the light from about 30 cigarettes all light at the same time actually put out a decent bit of light. Man the inside of that house looked like London.
So we got a miniscule amount of light, a few dozen “young adults”, beer o’plenty, enough smokes to go around and oh yeah, this weather thing going on outside. HURRICANE PARTY!!! Oh hell yeah.
In case you didn’t know, youth + alcohol + beach – parents + wicked weather – common sense = narrowly escaping death.
About this time I see this girl who we will call “Mandy” making these fidget motions. At first I thought she was dancing or something. I keep watching her and after a while I notice this grimace on her face. So I walk over to her and ask her if she’s ok. To which she replies “No”. So I asked her what was wrong and she gives me the brush off answer of “nothing, it will be okay”. Alrighty then, spaz on. As I go to walk back over to where I was she grabs my arm and ask me if I know when the power is coming back on. Well, I am good but I can’t really predict the future. So I just tell her that I am sure it will be soon and ask her why. She does this shimmy/shake/fidget move again and leans in and whispers to me “I got to pee”. Okay, what the hell does that have to do with the power coming back on, go pee. So then it hit me, she can’t see. So I offer to help her and tell her that I can hold a candle or something for her.
This is where it gets humorous to me.
She gives me a stupid look and says “No, that’s not it”. So now I have to ask because I have to know. I lean in towards her and say “well what is it then?”, she looks me dead in the face and says “Well the toilet wont flush if the power is out”.
Now I got to find a mop because I just spit out the beer I was trying to drink. I am guessing that my reaction might have tipped her off to the invalidity of her assumption and she follows that up with “will it?”
Oh yeah, that’s right, we got those new plug in toilets. Good point.
Please god let her be sterile.
Don't get dead
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
I should just stick to drinking…
… it would be easier and I would enjoy it a hell of a lot more.
I am doing this “Me 2.0” effort to try to get into shape, not just loose some weight but really get physically fit. And I have decided to say fooey with it.
First off “healthy” food taste like stale ass. Conclusion on that is that good tasting food = bad for you. So I can eat crappy tasting food so that I can live longer to eat even more crappy tasting food. Makes perfect sense to me here in crazy world. You make buffalo wings that taste good and are healthy and I am all over that.
Oh Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ, try to cut out sugar and carbs and still eat people food. Im-freaking-possible! You might as well just eat grass.
And if the food changes weren’t enough, I am damn tired of being sore. Seriously, it’s insane. And I can’t believe that I am about to say this but my damn taint is sore. That’s right the area between my sack and my hole hurts. The really messed up part is that I actually know why. It’s because I have a mountain bike. You see, I have not ridden a bicycle in 20 years or so, so I don’t pedal standing up all of the time… or that much at all. Maybe going up hills some. And it’s all because of this damn “great” Lance Armstrong designed seat or some crap like that which I bought for the bike. You see it’s got this hole in the middle of it with this hard molded plastic all around the hole that, that, well, it hits right there. Sorry you got ball cancer and all that Lance, but I need a damn pad there.
And to top it all off I pulled a muscle in my lower back in some sort of freaky cosmic planet aligning way. I was putting. That’s right putting a golf ball. Don’t get me wrong, it was a sweet 9-footer with a decent left to right break, nailed it in one putt. But the freaky thing is that I have literally spent hours practicing putting, so it’s not like this is the first time that I have picked up a putter.
So anyway, one mountain bike for sale, 50 bucks, or may trade for some booze and buffalo wings.
I am doing this “Me 2.0” effort to try to get into shape, not just loose some weight but really get physically fit. And I have decided to say fooey with it.
First off “healthy” food taste like stale ass. Conclusion on that is that good tasting food = bad for you. So I can eat crappy tasting food so that I can live longer to eat even more crappy tasting food. Makes perfect sense to me here in crazy world. You make buffalo wings that taste good and are healthy and I am all over that.
Oh Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ, try to cut out sugar and carbs and still eat people food. Im-freaking-possible! You might as well just eat grass.
And if the food changes weren’t enough, I am damn tired of being sore. Seriously, it’s insane. And I can’t believe that I am about to say this but my damn taint is sore. That’s right the area between my sack and my hole hurts. The really messed up part is that I actually know why. It’s because I have a mountain bike. You see, I have not ridden a bicycle in 20 years or so, so I don’t pedal standing up all of the time… or that much at all. Maybe going up hills some. And it’s all because of this damn “great” Lance Armstrong designed seat or some crap like that which I bought for the bike. You see it’s got this hole in the middle of it with this hard molded plastic all around the hole that, that, well, it hits right there. Sorry you got ball cancer and all that Lance, but I need a damn pad there.
And to top it all off I pulled a muscle in my lower back in some sort of freaky cosmic planet aligning way. I was putting. That’s right putting a golf ball. Don’t get me wrong, it was a sweet 9-footer with a decent left to right break, nailed it in one putt. But the freaky thing is that I have literally spent hours practicing putting, so it’s not like this is the first time that I have picked up a putter.
So anyway, one mountain bike for sale, 50 bucks, or may trade for some booze and buffalo wings.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Must be something in the water...
I overheard something the other day that I made me want to comment on so bad but I couldn’t, because my wife said I can’t be an asshole to anyone at all anymore for any reason. Apparently it really pisses people off. So I reframed from saying anything but when you hear something like this it makes you just want to slap the stupid out of someone.
The other day I am shooting the breeze with one of my friends at work when someone came by and was talking about this new Rolling Stones movie that is coming out when they let out this nugget of genius. “I hope that they put out the sound track soon because I bet there is going to be some really great music on it” which was followed up with “I love the Stones”. Shawn and I make eye contact and then look at her and say “Yeah… well I am sure they will”
So let me get this straight, you are a big Stones fan and are excited about a concert movie that is coming out for a band that has not put out a new album in almost 3 years and the album before that was 14 years ago yet you can’t wait for a CONCERT DOCUMENTARY sound track to come out? Ok, so there are three songs that have guest appearances on them but two of them are from the Exile on Main St album from ’72 and the other is a Muddy Waters song from 1981. (insert hypocrite statement here) Don’t get me wrong, it’s a really cool tune. But still.
Are you a complete moron? Hey mental midget, here is a crazy thought, maybe, just maybe, the music has already been released? Ever think about that? I got a feeling that some of it might have been released in the 60’s, some in the 70’s, maybe some of it was released in the 80’s and quite possible some was released in the 90’s and in the 2000’s. Quite possibly it’s all on some sort of a collect that comes in a box or maybe someone will have an idea to put all of their greatest hits together and sell it. I know it’s a stretch but someone just may have done that already.
I heard the idiocy when the movie “Ray” came out. Someone couldn’t wait to get the sound track, the sound track of a movie about a man who was already dead when the movie came out. Do you really think that there is going to be some NEW music on it?
My god man, the guy had not put out a new album for a couple of years or so. What do you think is going to be on that CD that hasn’t been out for years?
I don’t know why I am surprised when I hear stuff like this. But for some reason if just baffles me. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if someone said “Hey I hear there is a new speed racer movie coming out, I wonder what it’s about?” or “Oh man, I can’t wait to see “Rocky 17” I wonder if he will have something to do with boxing in it?”
Please god let these people be sterile.
The other day I am shooting the breeze with one of my friends at work when someone came by and was talking about this new Rolling Stones movie that is coming out when they let out this nugget of genius. “I hope that they put out the sound track soon because I bet there is going to be some really great music on it” which was followed up with “I love the Stones”. Shawn and I make eye contact and then look at her and say “Yeah… well I am sure they will”
So let me get this straight, you are a big Stones fan and are excited about a concert movie that is coming out for a band that has not put out a new album in almost 3 years and the album before that was 14 years ago yet you can’t wait for a CONCERT DOCUMENTARY sound track to come out? Ok, so there are three songs that have guest appearances on them but two of them are from the Exile on Main St album from ’72 and the other is a Muddy Waters song from 1981. (insert hypocrite statement here) Don’t get me wrong, it’s a really cool tune. But still.
Are you a complete moron? Hey mental midget, here is a crazy thought, maybe, just maybe, the music has already been released? Ever think about that? I got a feeling that some of it might have been released in the 60’s, some in the 70’s, maybe some of it was released in the 80’s and quite possible some was released in the 90’s and in the 2000’s. Quite possibly it’s all on some sort of a collect that comes in a box or maybe someone will have an idea to put all of their greatest hits together and sell it. I know it’s a stretch but someone just may have done that already.
I heard the idiocy when the movie “Ray” came out. Someone couldn’t wait to get the sound track, the sound track of a movie about a man who was already dead when the movie came out. Do you really think that there is going to be some NEW music on it?
My god man, the guy had not put out a new album for a couple of years or so. What do you think is going to be on that CD that hasn’t been out for years?
I don’t know why I am surprised when I hear stuff like this. But for some reason if just baffles me. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if someone said “Hey I hear there is a new speed racer movie coming out, I wonder what it’s about?” or “Oh man, I can’t wait to see “Rocky 17” I wonder if he will have something to do with boxing in it?”
Please god let these people be sterile.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
You know you are from Alabama if...........
Typically I try not to post jokes that I get in e-mail and stuff like that but this one was humorous and made me a bit nostalgic. Enjoy.
1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Cahaba, Opelika , Sylacauga, Oneonta, Eufaula, and Wedowee.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.
6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes. (It's about 5 minutes down the road)
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Ford F-350 4x4 Extended Bed Crew Cab dually is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch Dressing, or Ketchup.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin’” to send them to your friends.
19. You have used your heater and air-conditioner in the same day.
Finally: You are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:
20. "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr Pepper."
1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Cahaba, Opelika , Sylacauga, Oneonta, Eufaula, and Wedowee.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.
6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes. (It's about 5 minutes down the road)
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Ford F-350 4x4 Extended Bed Crew Cab dually is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch Dressing, or Ketchup.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin’” to send them to your friends.
19. You have used your heater and air-conditioner in the same day.
Finally: You are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:
20. "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr Pepper."
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Mythbusters (with an adult twist)
The following post contains material of an adult nature, if you are easily offended please don’t read it. Ok, you have been warned. This stuff is just supposed to give you a chuckle, don’t get twisted about it if you continue to read.
I will admit it, I love the show Mythbusters. I watch it whenever I get a chance. And I will tell you why I love the show, two reasons actually. Explosions and guns. Oh yeah, by the end of every show something is getting destroyed. And that red headed chick is kind of hot too.
So the other day I am watching the movie Wedding Crashers and they get to the scene where one guy puts eye drops into another guys drink. Shortly after that the guy who drank the Visine is hugging the toilet. I wondered if someone would really get sick if you put Visine in their drink. Hey! Mythbusters should put that in one of their shows. Which got me to thinking about a whole host of ideas of a different nature that they could test.
So you got the Visine in the water. Pretty simple test, drink it, if you barf that myth is busted. But what else could they put in this episode?
How about Spanish Fly, does it really work? I guess this would have to be a placebo test. You give some semi-sluty girls some Spanish Fly and some other semi-sluty girls the placebo and see which ones would do the wild monkey dance with a new guy. I can just see the applications come flying into the Discovery Channel for people wanting to work on this show now.
So we got an aphrodisiac, what about going in the other direction. Give some horned up high school guys some Saltpeter and send them off to a free kegger frat party at some liberal arts college. That would be the ultimate test. If they come back pissed off that is definitely “plausible”. If they come back wanting to go to that school that myth is busted.
After we get past what gets you going or shuts you down, let’s move to various myths about actually doing the naked mambo. I think the first thing you would have to test is the pull out method. Oh yeah, you thought the applications were flying into the show before, somewhere in San Francisco a public high school just became an all girls school. I think the testing for this one would be pretty straight forward. If there is a rash of shotgun weddings within 9 months, myth busted.
Since we are testing the pull out myth, why not the myth of does position at conception determine the gender? I heard that if you want a boy you got to do it doggy style. LOL, whatever, but let the testing begin. I can just see it now, a room full of couples going at it in various positions while the hosts of the show walk around in lab coats with clip boards taking notes. I don’t know why but that visual is funny to me.
Well we have gone this far, no need to stop now. What about testing the myth of thinking about something else while you are bumping uglies will cause you to last longer. I am guessing for this test you would have a couple go at it and see how long it takes them. Then you have them go at it again the next day and have some dude in there asking him basic math questions or something like that to see if he can last longer.
My friend Matt (of Uncle Max fame) wants to test the finding the G spot myth. He thinks it’s just a myth to make him work harder. Haha.
Then they could test the myth of can a girl really shoot ping pong balls out of her … self. We all know it’s true, we just want to see it without having to go to Mexico.
Another myth that Matt wants them to test is do women really have orgasms. He thinks it’s all contrived. I think someone needs to talk to Matt about his technique. I told him not to even mention testing does size matter.
I guess we are just going to have to accept the myth about the male g-spot as is.
Quite possibly the most popular myth would be the are all women two drinks away from being bi myth. Damn, now I am getting applications and I don’t even work for the Discovery Channel or Mythbusters. This test would have to be under a controlled environment. Single guy in a bar full of hot chicks, good music and round after round of kamikazes.
Another myth would have to be does drinking booze out of a straw get you drunker quicker. I remember as a young punk growing up in the deep south when we would go to field parties there would be legions of girls with a bottle of Boones Farm with a big ass straw in it for that very reason.
Somehow there is a refractory period myth to test in there as well.
Since we have done some hanky panky myths and some drinking myths, logic would say that you have to test the too drunk to get it up myth. For this test you would have to have a young single male as the test subject. But you have to be careful when picking the test subject, get one too young or too single and the results could be skewed. You get one too young and he wont be able to keep his head up much less his junk when alcohol is introduced. And if you get one too single the wind could blow the right direction and he would be stiff. Test subject selection is critical in this one.
Another aphrodisiac myth would be the green M&M myth of do women get horny when they eat green M&Ms? I also heard that the red ones have the opposite effect that the green ones do. My best guess on how to test this one is to have a big ass bowl of them out at a holiday party (only time you only see green and red M&Ms, the other colors might throw the results off) and see which women eat more green than red and if their dates get lucky.
Since we are doing the M&Ms, what about oysters? Yeah, you have heard it too, if a guy eats oysters he will be ready to go soon. Only thing about this is that when I eat oysters I am usually drinking and I am even more of a pain in the ass, I mean flirt, when I have been drinking. So that’s an x-factor of sorts.
There is also a myth that oral is so much better if the giver has Altoids in their mouth. Seems like a pretty straight forward test to me. Do it once without and then do it again with. Sounds kind of like a win/win situation me to. And just for fun, you should test the same myth with pop rocks, lol.
I will admit it, I love the show Mythbusters. I watch it whenever I get a chance. And I will tell you why I love the show, two reasons actually. Explosions and guns. Oh yeah, by the end of every show something is getting destroyed. And that red headed chick is kind of hot too.
So the other day I am watching the movie Wedding Crashers and they get to the scene where one guy puts eye drops into another guys drink. Shortly after that the guy who drank the Visine is hugging the toilet. I wondered if someone would really get sick if you put Visine in their drink. Hey! Mythbusters should put that in one of their shows. Which got me to thinking about a whole host of ideas of a different nature that they could test.
So you got the Visine in the water. Pretty simple test, drink it, if you barf that myth is busted. But what else could they put in this episode?
How about Spanish Fly, does it really work? I guess this would have to be a placebo test. You give some semi-sluty girls some Spanish Fly and some other semi-sluty girls the placebo and see which ones would do the wild monkey dance with a new guy. I can just see the applications come flying into the Discovery Channel for people wanting to work on this show now.
So we got an aphrodisiac, what about going in the other direction. Give some horned up high school guys some Saltpeter and send them off to a free kegger frat party at some liberal arts college. That would be the ultimate test. If they come back pissed off that is definitely “plausible”. If they come back wanting to go to that school that myth is busted.
After we get past what gets you going or shuts you down, let’s move to various myths about actually doing the naked mambo. I think the first thing you would have to test is the pull out method. Oh yeah, you thought the applications were flying into the show before, somewhere in San Francisco a public high school just became an all girls school. I think the testing for this one would be pretty straight forward. If there is a rash of shotgun weddings within 9 months, myth busted.
Since we are testing the pull out myth, why not the myth of does position at conception determine the gender? I heard that if you want a boy you got to do it doggy style. LOL, whatever, but let the testing begin. I can just see it now, a room full of couples going at it in various positions while the hosts of the show walk around in lab coats with clip boards taking notes. I don’t know why but that visual is funny to me.
Well we have gone this far, no need to stop now. What about testing the myth of thinking about something else while you are bumping uglies will cause you to last longer. I am guessing for this test you would have a couple go at it and see how long it takes them. Then you have them go at it again the next day and have some dude in there asking him basic math questions or something like that to see if he can last longer.
My friend Matt (of Uncle Max fame) wants to test the finding the G spot myth. He thinks it’s just a myth to make him work harder. Haha.
Then they could test the myth of can a girl really shoot ping pong balls out of her … self. We all know it’s true, we just want to see it without having to go to Mexico.
Another myth that Matt wants them to test is do women really have orgasms. He thinks it’s all contrived. I think someone needs to talk to Matt about his technique. I told him not to even mention testing does size matter.
I guess we are just going to have to accept the myth about the male g-spot as is.
Quite possibly the most popular myth would be the are all women two drinks away from being bi myth. Damn, now I am getting applications and I don’t even work for the Discovery Channel or Mythbusters. This test would have to be under a controlled environment. Single guy in a bar full of hot chicks, good music and round after round of kamikazes.
Another myth would have to be does drinking booze out of a straw get you drunker quicker. I remember as a young punk growing up in the deep south when we would go to field parties there would be legions of girls with a bottle of Boones Farm with a big ass straw in it for that very reason.
Somehow there is a refractory period myth to test in there as well.
Since we have done some hanky panky myths and some drinking myths, logic would say that you have to test the too drunk to get it up myth. For this test you would have to have a young single male as the test subject. But you have to be careful when picking the test subject, get one too young or too single and the results could be skewed. You get one too young and he wont be able to keep his head up much less his junk when alcohol is introduced. And if you get one too single the wind could blow the right direction and he would be stiff. Test subject selection is critical in this one.
Another aphrodisiac myth would be the green M&M myth of do women get horny when they eat green M&Ms? I also heard that the red ones have the opposite effect that the green ones do. My best guess on how to test this one is to have a big ass bowl of them out at a holiday party (only time you only see green and red M&Ms, the other colors might throw the results off) and see which women eat more green than red and if their dates get lucky.
Since we are doing the M&Ms, what about oysters? Yeah, you have heard it too, if a guy eats oysters he will be ready to go soon. Only thing about this is that when I eat oysters I am usually drinking and I am even more of a pain in the ass, I mean flirt, when I have been drinking. So that’s an x-factor of sorts.
There is also a myth that oral is so much better if the giver has Altoids in their mouth. Seems like a pretty straight forward test to me. Do it once without and then do it again with. Sounds kind of like a win/win situation me to. And just for fun, you should test the same myth with pop rocks, lol.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I have always wanted to be a rock star…
… and now I know why
Even as a kid I wanted to be a rock star, who didn’t right? I would have loved to have been in a band that had hit after hit and a huge following.
Think about it, you get paid ridiculous amounts of money to party. You get paid to travel the world. You are catered to hand and foot. You have people who take care of everything for you. Tons of people go to extremes to meet you, some worship you, they even wear a t-shirt with your band name on it as a homage of sorts.
Then you split up and start another band where you do the whole thing over again.
Then you reunite with the original band, start a reunion tour, put out a new studio album, a best of album or maybe a live album, if not all three.
And when the touring slows down you release your sex tape, rake in royalties from it no matter how good or how bad it is. And then you get a reality TV show. Seems like a pretty sweet gig to me.
It worked for Gene Simmons, Tommy Lee and Brett Michaels.
Even as a kid I wanted to be a rock star, who didn’t right? I would have loved to have been in a band that had hit after hit and a huge following.
Think about it, you get paid ridiculous amounts of money to party. You get paid to travel the world. You are catered to hand and foot. You have people who take care of everything for you. Tons of people go to extremes to meet you, some worship you, they even wear a t-shirt with your band name on it as a homage of sorts.
Then you split up and start another band where you do the whole thing over again.
Then you reunite with the original band, start a reunion tour, put out a new studio album, a best of album or maybe a live album, if not all three.
And when the touring slows down you release your sex tape, rake in royalties from it no matter how good or how bad it is. And then you get a reality TV show. Seems like a pretty sweet gig to me.
It worked for Gene Simmons, Tommy Lee and Brett Michaels.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Interesting study
I heard a study that I found somewhat interesting over the weekend. Do you know what nine out of ten people find to be fun?
Gang rape
Apparently that tenth person doesn’t find it to be fun at all.
Gang rape
Apparently that tenth person doesn’t find it to be fun at all.
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