I don’t do politics in my blogs and I wish everyone else didn’t as well. But that’s just me. Not that I don’t do politics, I just don’t blog about it. I have a candidate that I like and I have done my own research and I like this candidate for my own personal reasons. Which is what I feel politics should be, personal. Regardless of which party your vote for, the other party(ies) have a ton of dirt (fabricated or not) on them. Which is why I feel that everyone should pick a candidate for themselves and not do it because of any outside forces.
But my question is, is it possible to support a candidate without hating their competition?
In every form of government in America from the small little home town city counsel to the Presidency of the United States of America no one just supports their candidate. They have to support their candidate by bashing the opposition. Why is that? Why can’t people just support their candidate?
I read a lot of blogs and a lot of them are pretty funny but when they start to spew their own political vomit it really turns sad. Trust me, no one knows everything about politics and from what I have seen hardly anyone does their own research. And if anyone thinks they do know everything, they are a bigger fool than I originally thought. But that’s ok, if I was really bothered by it I wouldn’t continue to read their blogs now would I?
And this is not pointed at one person or party or anything like that. Trust me we all have idiots in our campaigns. That is bipartisan.
So I am proposing an idea which I know hardly anyone if anyone at all will follow but, how about taking the high road? Support the candidate of your choice all that you want but do it in a positive way and not by pointing out what you feel the other candidate has/is/does/will do wrong if elected.
Just an idea, I could be wrong.
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
My friends
I am not a “MetroSexual” but I do try to look halfway decent while at work. Part of looking decent is using “products” in my hair. One particular product that I use is called “Manipulator” and it is a bluish color. Typically you work this product into your hair in such a fashion that the color of the product is not a factor. Well the other day I put said product in my hair as I was getting ready for work that morning.
It wasn’t until later that day, well after lunch I might add, that I discovered a glob of it in my hair on the back of my head. So now I have been at work, in a couple of meetings, gone to lunch and back with what looks like smurf DNA in my hair. And yet not one of my friends said a peep.
Yeah, I got great friends.
Don’t get dead
It wasn’t until later that day, well after lunch I might add, that I discovered a glob of it in my hair on the back of my head. So now I have been at work, in a couple of meetings, gone to lunch and back with what looks like smurf DNA in my hair. And yet not one of my friends said a peep.
Yeah, I got great friends.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tips from the best
I have several interests that I am pretty good at, photography, golf, working on cars, cooking and so on. But one of the things that I am great at is being a dick. Dick, a-hole, jerk, fucker, punk, S.O.B., or what ever you want to call it, I have it down to an art form.
As I have posted before I should write a book on the subject. I can’t quite tell if it is god given talent or the years of experience or maybe just something that I am so passionate about that has made me so good at it, but something has placed me within the elite a-holes of the world.
And what kind of a-hole would I be if I didn’t share some tips on how to be an a-hole to others? Not a very good one, I can tell you that. And if I am going to do anything, I am going to do it to the best of my ability! So here are some tips to help you step up you’re a-hole game.
***DISCLAIMER***
I am by no means encouraging anyone to attempt these tips. They are simply something you COULD do if you wanted, but I would not suggest that. In fact I suggest that you DON'T do any of these. Executing such actions could get your ass beat too. :)
I have a friend who uses change to mark his ball when we play golf. So I periodically walk around the green and drop what ever coin he is using to mark his ball with. If he is using quarters, I will walk around and drop quarters here and there, frustrates the shit out of him.
Another thing I do is to see how many times I can get someone to repeat themselves. Just say "what?" after everything they say.
Another thing I do is when I am fishing with this one buddy, who is hard core into fishing, I constantly say "I got a bite!" and pull my hook out of the water. Just for the f of it.
Since it is football season, go to a game such as a high school and carry a whistle with you, like a coach’s whistle. Right before a big play, say with a few seconds left in a game where the score is close, blow that bitch like your life depends on it. Just be prepared to be "escorted" out of the stadium.
But what is probably one of the best tips is if you are in a place where there is a mass of cars (somewhere like a mall parking lot, school parking lot or a festival parking lot) that has food service and you really want to jack up someone’s day, find a car with a window cracked open and toss something like a French fry, piece of bread or a piece of hot dog onto the dash through the crack. You see places like malls, schools and festivals that have food typically have birds around. And WHEN a bird sees that bit of food on the dash they are going to try to get it. And where there are birds, there is poop! I suggest either a new car or one with a really nice paint job. You know, if I would actually suggest that someone do something along these lines, which I don’t. But if I did…
Don’t get dead
As I have posted before I should write a book on the subject. I can’t quite tell if it is god given talent or the years of experience or maybe just something that I am so passionate about that has made me so good at it, but something has placed me within the elite a-holes of the world.
And what kind of a-hole would I be if I didn’t share some tips on how to be an a-hole to others? Not a very good one, I can tell you that. And if I am going to do anything, I am going to do it to the best of my ability! So here are some tips to help you step up you’re a-hole game.
***DISCLAIMER***
I am by no means encouraging anyone to attempt these tips. They are simply something you COULD do if you wanted, but I would not suggest that. In fact I suggest that you DON'T do any of these. Executing such actions could get your ass beat too. :)
I have a friend who uses change to mark his ball when we play golf. So I periodically walk around the green and drop what ever coin he is using to mark his ball with. If he is using quarters, I will walk around and drop quarters here and there, frustrates the shit out of him.
Another thing I do is to see how many times I can get someone to repeat themselves. Just say "what?" after everything they say.
Another thing I do is when I am fishing with this one buddy, who is hard core into fishing, I constantly say "I got a bite!" and pull my hook out of the water. Just for the f of it.
Since it is football season, go to a game such as a high school and carry a whistle with you, like a coach’s whistle. Right before a big play, say with a few seconds left in a game where the score is close, blow that bitch like your life depends on it. Just be prepared to be "escorted" out of the stadium.
But what is probably one of the best tips is if you are in a place where there is a mass of cars (somewhere like a mall parking lot, school parking lot or a festival parking lot) that has food service and you really want to jack up someone’s day, find a car with a window cracked open and toss something like a French fry, piece of bread or a piece of hot dog onto the dash through the crack. You see places like malls, schools and festivals that have food typically have birds around. And WHEN a bird sees that bit of food on the dash they are going to try to get it. And where there are birds, there is poop! I suggest either a new car or one with a really nice paint job. You know, if I would actually suggest that someone do something along these lines, which I don’t. But if I did…
Don’t get dead
Clay Aiken takes it in the butt, and I don’t feel so good myself
Actually I feel fine I just thought that the line was funny.
I get an e-mail from one of my buddies that reads, “Here is what one fan posted on his web site after he came out of the closet (which if you ask me was a very shallow closet)
"This is really shocking news as I had no idea he was gay," read a comment posted by "Sheridansq." "And now I have to deal with this. I am not sure what to say to people who know I was a fan. ... I didn't go to work today and am not answering the telephone."”
Clay Aiken is gay, big damn deal. I mean who didn’t know he was gay? This is persons comment is a joke right? Steve Wonder could see that Clay Aiken was a pickle puffer. And if this moron who posted this didn’t know how to deal with it, they should just go to the gun store and do society a favor. If you don’t know how to deal with someone being gay, how do you deal with real world issues? What amazes me the most is that this mental midget has a job.
He didn’t come out of a closet he came out of a lingerie chest and he was singing “It’s Raining Men”. Speaking of singing, one of the radio stations in this area pointed out a couple things. One, his album was titled “Measure Of A Man” so he is probably a size queen and the lyrics to his song “Invisible” have the creepy lines “If I was invisible. Then I could just watch you in your room. If I was invincible. I'd make you mine tonight.” Does that sound like prison rape to anyone else?
Don’t get dead
I get an e-mail from one of my buddies that reads, “Here is what one fan posted on his web site after he came out of the closet (which if you ask me was a very shallow closet)
"This is really shocking news as I had no idea he was gay," read a comment posted by "Sheridansq." "And now I have to deal with this. I am not sure what to say to people who know I was a fan. ... I didn't go to work today and am not answering the telephone."”
Clay Aiken is gay, big damn deal. I mean who didn’t know he was gay? This is persons comment is a joke right? Steve Wonder could see that Clay Aiken was a pickle puffer. And if this moron who posted this didn’t know how to deal with it, they should just go to the gun store and do society a favor. If you don’t know how to deal with someone being gay, how do you deal with real world issues? What amazes me the most is that this mental midget has a job.
He didn’t come out of a closet he came out of a lingerie chest and he was singing “It’s Raining Men”. Speaking of singing, one of the radio stations in this area pointed out a couple things. One, his album was titled “Measure Of A Man” so he is probably a size queen and the lyrics to his song “Invisible” have the creepy lines “If I was invisible. Then I could just watch you in your room. If I was invincible. I'd make you mine tonight.” Does that sound like prison rape to anyone else?
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Handy little piece of information
I am constantly learning new things, I don’t know if this is because of a lack of learning when I was younger or if it is because the world is constantly changing or what. But I am constantly finding out new and interesting things.
In an effort to make the world a better place I am going to try to pass along some of these new things that I learn. Some you may already know, some may be new to you as well. Either way, I hope they help.
Like this weekend, I learned that some Chuck E. Cheese restaurants serve beer. That’s a damn handy tid bit of knowledge to have. I don’t know if they list the locations that sever brew on their site, but they should. Screw the price of gas, I will make the drive if I can sit through that robotic rodent rout with a frosty cold gift from the thirst quenching gods. Why can’t the parents have fun too right?
I wonder if they would think poorly of me if I sat in the booth with one of those plastic batting helmets with the two cups glued to it on with a tube running from them to my mouth?
Don’t get dead
In an effort to make the world a better place I am going to try to pass along some of these new things that I learn. Some you may already know, some may be new to you as well. Either way, I hope they help.
Like this weekend, I learned that some Chuck E. Cheese restaurants serve beer. That’s a damn handy tid bit of knowledge to have. I don’t know if they list the locations that sever brew on their site, but they should. Screw the price of gas, I will make the drive if I can sit through that robotic rodent rout with a frosty cold gift from the thirst quenching gods. Why can’t the parents have fun too right?
I wonder if they would think poorly of me if I sat in the booth with one of those plastic batting helmets with the two cups glued to it on with a tube running from them to my mouth?
Don’t get dead
Monday, September 22, 2008
Funky Cold Medina
While in the car earlier, I was scanning the dial and heard Tone Loc’s Funky Cold Medina. And when I heard it, I just started laughing.
Again this is a story from my youth. While I was in college I had a class with a guy named Jamie who was a part time model. But he was a really cool guy. Not an egomaniac or anything like that, he was pretty normal actually. Jamie had a friend named Dana who lacked self-confidence but was a good guy. He wasn’t a bad looking guy and wrestled previously so he was in pretty good shape.
Dana and his girlfriend had broken up and he was sort of bummed about it. So we thought that we would all go out one night and hook Dana up. What a better wingman than a model, right? So when Dana would score with the ugly friend of the girl who wants to get with Jamie, she would probably still be pretty hot.
So we decided to get together one Saturday night to take Dana out to meet some girls. We decided on this club that if I am remembering correctly was called “Cabaret”. It was a normal dance club/bar kind of place. I remember that we were near the DJ booth so that we could see pretty much all of the club. Shortly after getting there Dana sees a girl and sort of nods/motions towards here and all of the fellas look over. One of the guys was telling him that he didn’t want to hook up with her and started to point out all of the people in the bar that she had slept with. Fast forward a couple of hours, several chicks and enough beer to cripple a Clydesdale later and Dana sets his eyes on this blonde. Now I have no idea if it was because of the beer or because of some broad that I was talking to or what, but I really didn’t pay attention to this chick that caught Dana’s eye. Sadly, neither did anyone else. So Dana and the dame take off to go back to his place and we all end up going our separate ways over the course of the night.
So Sunday I don’t hear from Jamie or Dana and don’t think anything about it but when I got to class on Monday Jamie was pacing waiting for me. You could just see the excitement in his eyes. Our conversation went a little like this.
Jamie: DUUUUDE, have you talked to Dana since Saturday?
Me: No, why?
Jamie: Sit down dude, I got a story to tell you.
So to paraphrase the rest of the conversation, Dana and the girl go back to his place. At this point it is relevant that I give you a layout of Dana’s apartment. It was small, very small. It was a one-bedroom that was so small you had to go through his bedroom to get to the only bathroom. This comes into play a little later. At this point Dana starts to work his best, dusty moves. He lit some candles, opened some wine and put on some jazz. After some time of sitting on the couch and getting to know each other and making small talk Dana excused himself to go use the bathroom.
As he exited his bathroom he sees his date in the bed with the covers up to her neck. Then he notices her cloths, all of them, on the floor. Of course Dana is thinking, “let’s cut out the middle man and get right down to business”. So he takes his clothes off and his date does the raised eyebrow thing followed by a “mmmmm”. Once Dana is naked he slips under the covers and reaches over and starts to rub his dates leg. So he works his way up from the knee to the thigh and then over just a bit. This is where this date took a horrible turn. According to Jamie, Dana “grabbed a tree trunk”.
Of course Jamie and I took several minutes to quit laughing so that I could get the rest of the story.
So Jamie continues with what Dana had told him. He said that Jamie threw the covers back and from the neck up was this blonde chick and from the neck down was “all man”. Dana yells, “DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!” to which he received a reply of, “I just wanted to make you happy”. Dana FREAKED out. He started yelling, “GET THE FUCK OUT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT NOW!” over and over again.
Again a pause for laughter.
Apparently while still in a rage Dana just keeps yelling at his date, who was trying to calm him down. The date kept telling him to chill out and calm down and Dana would tell him that he didn’t want to chill out or calm down and to get the F out now. Jamie then tells me that he just freaked out even more and started to beat the shit out of this girl/guy. Said that he was just punching and kicking him and slamming him around his apartment. And he (Dana) just kept yelling to get out. Come to find out that the date couldn’t move, because Dana had broken both of his legs and one of his arms. So Dana picks him up like a husband would carry his bride over the threshold and begins to talk towards the front door. As he tried to carry this person out of his apartment the date reaches with the non-broken arm and grabs the door frame. Dana was so pissed off that he just halfway tossed the date out of the doorway. So the date is still hanging onto the doorframe and Dana just starts to slam the door over and over again on his dates hand.
Dana calls the cops and when they arrived it took them over 20 minutes to quit laughing. There is a person with the face of a woman that apparently had a porn star penis lying on the ground helpless and crying.
Dana’s date told the police that he would not press charges if Dana didn’t tell anyone about it. Yeah, like we are going to keep a story like that down.
So back to the song and why it made me laugh, in that song there is a line, “when she got undressed, it was a big ole mess, Sheena was a man” which sparked a memory. And now you know.
Don’t get dead
Again this is a story from my youth. While I was in college I had a class with a guy named Jamie who was a part time model. But he was a really cool guy. Not an egomaniac or anything like that, he was pretty normal actually. Jamie had a friend named Dana who lacked self-confidence but was a good guy. He wasn’t a bad looking guy and wrestled previously so he was in pretty good shape.
Dana and his girlfriend had broken up and he was sort of bummed about it. So we thought that we would all go out one night and hook Dana up. What a better wingman than a model, right? So when Dana would score with the ugly friend of the girl who wants to get with Jamie, she would probably still be pretty hot.
So we decided to get together one Saturday night to take Dana out to meet some girls. We decided on this club that if I am remembering correctly was called “Cabaret”. It was a normal dance club/bar kind of place. I remember that we were near the DJ booth so that we could see pretty much all of the club. Shortly after getting there Dana sees a girl and sort of nods/motions towards here and all of the fellas look over. One of the guys was telling him that he didn’t want to hook up with her and started to point out all of the people in the bar that she had slept with. Fast forward a couple of hours, several chicks and enough beer to cripple a Clydesdale later and Dana sets his eyes on this blonde. Now I have no idea if it was because of the beer or because of some broad that I was talking to or what, but I really didn’t pay attention to this chick that caught Dana’s eye. Sadly, neither did anyone else. So Dana and the dame take off to go back to his place and we all end up going our separate ways over the course of the night.
So Sunday I don’t hear from Jamie or Dana and don’t think anything about it but when I got to class on Monday Jamie was pacing waiting for me. You could just see the excitement in his eyes. Our conversation went a little like this.
Jamie: DUUUUDE, have you talked to Dana since Saturday?
Me: No, why?
Jamie: Sit down dude, I got a story to tell you.
So to paraphrase the rest of the conversation, Dana and the girl go back to his place. At this point it is relevant that I give you a layout of Dana’s apartment. It was small, very small. It was a one-bedroom that was so small you had to go through his bedroom to get to the only bathroom. This comes into play a little later. At this point Dana starts to work his best, dusty moves. He lit some candles, opened some wine and put on some jazz. After some time of sitting on the couch and getting to know each other and making small talk Dana excused himself to go use the bathroom.
As he exited his bathroom he sees his date in the bed with the covers up to her neck. Then he notices her cloths, all of them, on the floor. Of course Dana is thinking, “let’s cut out the middle man and get right down to business”. So he takes his clothes off and his date does the raised eyebrow thing followed by a “mmmmm”. Once Dana is naked he slips under the covers and reaches over and starts to rub his dates leg. So he works his way up from the knee to the thigh and then over just a bit. This is where this date took a horrible turn. According to Jamie, Dana “grabbed a tree trunk”.
Of course Jamie and I took several minutes to quit laughing so that I could get the rest of the story.
So Jamie continues with what Dana had told him. He said that Jamie threw the covers back and from the neck up was this blonde chick and from the neck down was “all man”. Dana yells, “DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!” to which he received a reply of, “I just wanted to make you happy”. Dana FREAKED out. He started yelling, “GET THE FUCK OUT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT NOW!” over and over again.
Again a pause for laughter.
Apparently while still in a rage Dana just keeps yelling at his date, who was trying to calm him down. The date kept telling him to chill out and calm down and Dana would tell him that he didn’t want to chill out or calm down and to get the F out now. Jamie then tells me that he just freaked out even more and started to beat the shit out of this girl/guy. Said that he was just punching and kicking him and slamming him around his apartment. And he (Dana) just kept yelling to get out. Come to find out that the date couldn’t move, because Dana had broken both of his legs and one of his arms. So Dana picks him up like a husband would carry his bride over the threshold and begins to talk towards the front door. As he tried to carry this person out of his apartment the date reaches with the non-broken arm and grabs the door frame. Dana was so pissed off that he just halfway tossed the date out of the doorway. So the date is still hanging onto the doorframe and Dana just starts to slam the door over and over again on his dates hand.
Dana calls the cops and when they arrived it took them over 20 minutes to quit laughing. There is a person with the face of a woman that apparently had a porn star penis lying on the ground helpless and crying.
Dana’s date told the police that he would not press charges if Dana didn’t tell anyone about it. Yeah, like we are going to keep a story like that down.
So back to the song and why it made me laugh, in that song there is a line, “when she got undressed, it was a big ole mess, Sheena was a man” which sparked a memory. And now you know.
Don’t get dead
I am not sure that I am sane
Not saying that I am crazy so much, I will leave that up to interpretation. I just know that I think about things that normal people probably don’t. And it makes me wonder if I suffered a head trauma that I don’t recall.
Not that I have some radical way out of the norm thinking, just a little off kilter.
For example, if you are angered by hemorrhoids, does that mean that you have rhoid rage?
And we have all heard the phrase “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” right? So what if you are in Rome, Ga. Does that mean that you get to drink Budweisers out of a can and beat your wife? What about in other places? Like if you are in Ethiopia? Do you have to starve yourself? Yes, I know that is tacky. What about if I go to Mexico, when I come home am I going to have to sneak back across the border? Where do we draw the line on simulating local culture?
So you can see why I worry about myself sometimes. It’s not like I sit around thinking up a way to build a working perpetual motion machine. No, I spend my time thinking of how to successfully make an all that you can eat place that delivers. Would people just call the place up and say, “Hey, umm, yeah, we would like some more”. As long as they ordered one time how could you argue with them?
Maybe I should get a cat scan or something.
Don’t get dead
Not that I have some radical way out of the norm thinking, just a little off kilter.
For example, if you are angered by hemorrhoids, does that mean that you have rhoid rage?
And we have all heard the phrase “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” right? So what if you are in Rome, Ga. Does that mean that you get to drink Budweisers out of a can and beat your wife? What about in other places? Like if you are in Ethiopia? Do you have to starve yourself? Yes, I know that is tacky. What about if I go to Mexico, when I come home am I going to have to sneak back across the border? Where do we draw the line on simulating local culture?
So you can see why I worry about myself sometimes. It’s not like I sit around thinking up a way to build a working perpetual motion machine. No, I spend my time thinking of how to successfully make an all that you can eat place that delivers. Would people just call the place up and say, “Hey, umm, yeah, we would like some more”. As long as they ordered one time how could you argue with them?
Maybe I should get a cat scan or something.
Don’t get dead
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Umm, yeah
So the other day I was watching the local news when they did a story on recovering from Ike. Now I know that the government, FEMA specifically, is trying to help. And let me go a little further and say that I don’t do political commentary. I have my views and I keep them to myself. I read a lot of political BS online, so I know that there is ample commentary out there. Regardless of party, they all have screw ups that are members of the party. And more so, none of us know all of the facts and if you think that you do, you are sadly mistaken.
So anyway FEMA is going to have a hard time recovering from the bad publicity that they received during Katrina and Rita. This story isn’t going to help either.
They had film crews down in Galveston interviewing people whose homes where tragically devastated by Ike when they found a man who had received a meal from FEMA. So these meals are made up of nonperishable items, which was the case with the man that the film crew was interviewing. This mans meal consisted of a can of mixed fruit, a bag of potato chips and a can of microwavable ravioli. You know, for this area that isn’t supposed to have ELECTRICTY for 4 to 8 weeks. So the man found a microwave, it was in a tree in the neighbors lawn. Again, I know they are trying to help, but why don’t people just think? Just a little bit.
Don’t get dead
So anyway FEMA is going to have a hard time recovering from the bad publicity that they received during Katrina and Rita. This story isn’t going to help either.
They had film crews down in Galveston interviewing people whose homes where tragically devastated by Ike when they found a man who had received a meal from FEMA. So these meals are made up of nonperishable items, which was the case with the man that the film crew was interviewing. This mans meal consisted of a can of mixed fruit, a bag of potato chips and a can of microwavable ravioli. You know, for this area that isn’t supposed to have ELECTRICTY for 4 to 8 weeks. So the man found a microwave, it was in a tree in the neighbors lawn. Again, I know they are trying to help, but why don’t people just think? Just a little bit.
Don’t get dead
The Great American Pastime
Last night was one of those nights that make life worth living. The family and I got free tickets to the Rangers game. My children had a blast and the wife and I had a great time as well. To add to this great night, the weather was perfect. Here is a quick breakdown of the night’s festivities.
- If free tickets weren’t good enough, free tickets for great seats with a parking pass and a great fireworks display after the show are!
- With our parking pass we received a free program, in the program was a full page Hooters ad. My son loved it. He kept turning back to that page. I am so proud of him.
- During the game, while the Rangers where at bat, one of the Rangers got thrown out of the game. The thing is, he wasn’t the one at bat. He was actually in the dugout. From what I could tell, he disagreed with the home plate umpires call and voiced his opinion, he was promptly sent to the showers but not before he gave the umpire a detailed piece of his mind. During this despicable display of displeasure (said in my best Geraldo Rivera impression) the team’s manager must have either been trying to dance with his player or play keep away because they where moving back and forth very closely right in front of the umpire.
- Right after trying to calm down his player the manager got tossed as well. Apparently when the manager went to go back to the dugout after the player finally left the field the umpire said something that angered the manager and they had a little discussion which sent the manager to the showers.
- Two rows behind us were four of the biggest queens who knew absolutely nothing about baseball. The only bats they ever held were between each others legs. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not gay bashing, I am asshole bashing. It would be different if they didn’t know anything about baseball and were curious (about the game) but these pricks thought they knew everything about the game. Yelled at the centerfielder when he threw the ball home as opposed to second base (which was closer *eye roll*) even though the runner had already rounded third and was on his way home. Then the lead queen bitched about calling a left handed pitcher out of the bullpen to face a right handed batter because the right handed pitcher was “doing so well”. The head queen (you pick if pun was intended or not) actually said that he could coach better then the coach, you know the one who has played baseball all his life and spent his entire career in baseball. As opposed to the sweater folder from the Gap, who was wearing his (with a lisp) San Francisco cap. Fabulous! The best part about them was how everyone else was making fun of them for being complete tools.
- During the 7th inning stretch, the outfielders where standing together in centerfield and for some reason everyone just looked out there and security started running on to the field from all directions. At some point a fan ran onto the field and was just hanging out with the outfielders. When he saw security coming at him he took off. He almost made it to the seats by first base when a security guard slammed him to the ground. Apparently they wanted him to get a good look at the grass in fall ball territory because they put his face down there, real hard too! Then they taught him some yoga. Two security guards took an arm each and tied them into a pretzel shape behind his back as they “lead” (dragged) him up the steps.
We were pretty much a streaker short of a perfect game.
Then after the game and fireworks were over and as we were heading to the car I heard and saw one of the greatest things.
Standing outside of the stadium was a girl on her cell phone trying to find her friends. Her side of the conversation as we were walking by went like this, “Where are you guys? I am outside by a tree”. An outburst of laughter from EVERYONE walking by immediately followed. You see, this girl was your stereotypical blonde and on EVERY street surrounding the ballpark are dozens and dozens of trees. I know, that’s crazy. So we all took turns mocking her. One guy said, “You know, by a tree, by a road”, which I added to with “I am near some grass…” and then another guy added, “like by this sidewalk” and behind us we could hear other people saying stuff like “yeah, it’s dark where I am” and other things like that.
I am so proud of my fellow smartasses.
Don’t get dead
- If free tickets weren’t good enough, free tickets for great seats with a parking pass and a great fireworks display after the show are!
- With our parking pass we received a free program, in the program was a full page Hooters ad. My son loved it. He kept turning back to that page. I am so proud of him.
- During the game, while the Rangers where at bat, one of the Rangers got thrown out of the game. The thing is, he wasn’t the one at bat. He was actually in the dugout. From what I could tell, he disagreed with the home plate umpires call and voiced his opinion, he was promptly sent to the showers but not before he gave the umpire a detailed piece of his mind. During this despicable display of displeasure (said in my best Geraldo Rivera impression) the team’s manager must have either been trying to dance with his player or play keep away because they where moving back and forth very closely right in front of the umpire.
- Right after trying to calm down his player the manager got tossed as well. Apparently when the manager went to go back to the dugout after the player finally left the field the umpire said something that angered the manager and they had a little discussion which sent the manager to the showers.
- Two rows behind us were four of the biggest queens who knew absolutely nothing about baseball. The only bats they ever held were between each others legs. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not gay bashing, I am asshole bashing. It would be different if they didn’t know anything about baseball and were curious (about the game) but these pricks thought they knew everything about the game. Yelled at the centerfielder when he threw the ball home as opposed to second base (which was closer *eye roll*) even though the runner had already rounded third and was on his way home. Then the lead queen bitched about calling a left handed pitcher out of the bullpen to face a right handed batter because the right handed pitcher was “doing so well”. The head queen (you pick if pun was intended or not) actually said that he could coach better then the coach, you know the one who has played baseball all his life and spent his entire career in baseball. As opposed to the sweater folder from the Gap, who was wearing his (with a lisp) San Francisco cap. Fabulous! The best part about them was how everyone else was making fun of them for being complete tools.
- During the 7th inning stretch, the outfielders where standing together in centerfield and for some reason everyone just looked out there and security started running on to the field from all directions. At some point a fan ran onto the field and was just hanging out with the outfielders. When he saw security coming at him he took off. He almost made it to the seats by first base when a security guard slammed him to the ground. Apparently they wanted him to get a good look at the grass in fall ball territory because they put his face down there, real hard too! Then they taught him some yoga. Two security guards took an arm each and tied them into a pretzel shape behind his back as they “lead” (dragged) him up the steps.
We were pretty much a streaker short of a perfect game.
Then after the game and fireworks were over and as we were heading to the car I heard and saw one of the greatest things.
Standing outside of the stadium was a girl on her cell phone trying to find her friends. Her side of the conversation as we were walking by went like this, “Where are you guys? I am outside by a tree”. An outburst of laughter from EVERYONE walking by immediately followed. You see, this girl was your stereotypical blonde and on EVERY street surrounding the ballpark are dozens and dozens of trees. I know, that’s crazy. So we all took turns mocking her. One guy said, “You know, by a tree, by a road”, which I added to with “I am near some grass…” and then another guy added, “like by this sidewalk” and behind us we could hear other people saying stuff like “yeah, it’s dark where I am” and other things like that.
I am so proud of my fellow smartasses.
Don’t get dead
Friday, September 19, 2008
You know what they say…
For the love of everything holy, don’t ever start a phase with “You know, they say…” if you don’t know who “THEY” is/are. We could be talking about anything and if that phrase comes up, I am going to grill you on it.
And I am not talking about anything specific, it could be on any topic. Just don’t do it, because I will be on a mission to publicly make you look like a complete ass. I heard a guy say once, “you know they say wearing baseball caps will make you go bald”. Ok there Dr. Hawking, who says this? Because if it is some bullshit that your momma made up or you heard Howard Stern say or some crap like that, your nut sack is about to get a kicking of epic proportions.
You see, I could give a rats ass less if some BS researcher at Flunkville State Junior College does a study that says drinking milk has an effect on the jet stream. But if the American Cancer Association comes out with a study that clinically shows how drinking out of styrofoam cups is linked to a certain type of cancer, yeah I am going to listen up.
Basically what I am saying is know what you are talking about if you are going to say it. And if you do know who came up with the information, make sure that it is legitimate.
Ever hear of the weight loss drug Lipozene (http://lipozene.com/)? Yeah, if you notice they have changed their commercial because the “university” they used to mention when they claim that a “major university double blind study” didn’t exist, now they just say a major university. I forget which news show it was (20/20 or Dateline or something like that) did a story on it. They found the address for this university and went to it, it was a house. And the old lady who answered the door had no idea what they were talking about. So just because someone says it or you read it online, make sure it’s factual before you spread it like manure.
You see, hearsay is bullshit. So if it’s not factual don’t spread it like it is or be ready to accept your punishment.
Don’t get dead
And I am not talking about anything specific, it could be on any topic. Just don’t do it, because I will be on a mission to publicly make you look like a complete ass. I heard a guy say once, “you know they say wearing baseball caps will make you go bald”. Ok there Dr. Hawking, who says this? Because if it is some bullshit that your momma made up or you heard Howard Stern say or some crap like that, your nut sack is about to get a kicking of epic proportions.
You see, I could give a rats ass less if some BS researcher at Flunkville State Junior College does a study that says drinking milk has an effect on the jet stream. But if the American Cancer Association comes out with a study that clinically shows how drinking out of styrofoam cups is linked to a certain type of cancer, yeah I am going to listen up.
Basically what I am saying is know what you are talking about if you are going to say it. And if you do know who came up with the information, make sure that it is legitimate.
Ever hear of the weight loss drug Lipozene (http://lipozene.com/)? Yeah, if you notice they have changed their commercial because the “university” they used to mention when they claim that a “major university double blind study” didn’t exist, now they just say a major university. I forget which news show it was (20/20 or Dateline or something like that) did a story on it. They found the address for this university and went to it, it was a house. And the old lady who answered the door had no idea what they were talking about. So just because someone says it or you read it online, make sure it’s factual before you spread it like manure.
You see, hearsay is bullshit. So if it’s not factual don’t spread it like it is or be ready to accept your punishment.
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Just as a note
If I ever had the chance, I would kick Brent Musburger and Vern Lundquist right in the junk.
That is all.
Don’t get dead
That is all.
Don’t get dead
Spelling
I came across this news article and it kind of scared me.
"Spelling "truely atrosious," says
LONDON (Reuters) - Embaressed by yor spelling? Never you mind.
Fed up with his students' complete inability to spell common English correctly, a British academic has suggested it may be time to accept "variant spellings" as legitimate.
Rather than grammarians getting in a huff about "argument" being spelled "arguement" or "opportunity" as "opertunity," why not accept anything that's phonetically (fonetickly anyone?) correct as long as it can be understood?
"Instead of complaining about the state of the education system as we correct the same mistakes year after year, I've got a better idea," Ken Smith, a criminology lecturer at Bucks New University, wrote in the Times Higher Education Supplement.
"University teachers should simply accept as variant spelling those words our students most commonly misspell."
To kickstart his proposal, Smith suggested 10 common misspellings that should immediately be accepted into the pantheon of variants, including "ignor," "occured," "thier," "truely," "speach" and "twelth" (it should be "twelfth").
Then of course there are words like "misspelt" (often spelled "mispelt"), not to mention "varient," a commonly used variant of "variant."
And that doesn't even begin to delve into all the problems English people have with words that use the letters "i" and "e" together, like weird, seize, leisure, foreign and neighbor.
The rhyme "i before e except after c" may be on the lips of every schoolchild in Britain, but that doesn't mean they remember the rule by the time they get to university.
Of course, such proposals have been made in the past. The advent of text messaging turned many students into spelling neanderthals as phrases such as "wot r u doin 2nite?" became socially, if not academically, acceptable.
Despite Smith's suggestion, language mavens are unconvinced. John Simpson, the chief editor of the Oxford English Dictionary, says rules are rules and they are there for good reason.
"There are enormous advantages in having a coherent system of spelling," he told the Times newspaper.
"It makes it easier to communicate. Maybe during a learning phase there is some scope for error, but I would hope that by the time people get to university they have learnt to spell."
Yet even some of Britain's greatest wordsmiths have acknowledged it's a language with irritating quirkiness.
Playwright George Bernard Shaw was fond of pointing out that the word "ghoti" could just as well be pronounced "fish" if you followed common pronunciation: 'gh' as in "tough," 'o' as in "women" and 'ti' as in "nation."
And he was a playright."
Oh hell no! Ken Smith must be an utter moron if he thinks that this is acceptable. All of these people who spell dude like dood or cool as kewl all give off the appearance of complete dipshits. How sad are you that you feel the need to gain attention by bastardizing the English language?
I wonder if Mr. Smith would let his accountant get away with the same principles? You know, when he does his taxes that they are close enough. I am sure that law enforcement would be close enough in how long they locked him up as well. Or what if his boss adopted his feeling with regards to his paycheck? I bet he would change his tune then.
One wonders if this is the way that Ken Smith really feels, why should we continue to educate our children? Why grade? Like little league baseball, the score is always fun to fun. Yeah why not.
And let’s put this way of thinking into effect in every class. World War II was from 1780 – 1999. Close enough! E=MCHammer, works for me! What is 20% of 200? Apple. Why not!
This close enough idea would make cross word puzzles interesting. And I guess that Saturday Night Live would have to revamp all of their Jeopardy! skits.
Is there a global outbreak of dumbass or something going on? It’s beginning to look like the whole world is about to OD on stupid pills.
Don’t get dead (And learn to spell!)
"Spelling "truely atrosious," says
LONDON (Reuters) - Embaressed by yor spelling? Never you mind.
Fed up with his students' complete inability to spell common English correctly, a British academic has suggested it may be time to accept "variant spellings" as legitimate.
Rather than grammarians getting in a huff about "argument" being spelled "arguement" or "opportunity" as "opertunity," why not accept anything that's phonetically (fonetickly anyone?) correct as long as it can be understood?
"Instead of complaining about the state of the education system as we correct the same mistakes year after year, I've got a better idea," Ken Smith, a criminology lecturer at Bucks New University, wrote in the Times Higher Education Supplement.
"University teachers should simply accept as variant spelling those words our students most commonly misspell."
To kickstart his proposal, Smith suggested 10 common misspellings that should immediately be accepted into the pantheon of variants, including "ignor," "occured," "thier," "truely," "speach" and "twelth" (it should be "twelfth").
Then of course there are words like "misspelt" (often spelled "mispelt"), not to mention "varient," a commonly used variant of "variant."
And that doesn't even begin to delve into all the problems English people have with words that use the letters "i" and "e" together, like weird, seize, leisure, foreign and neighbor.
The rhyme "i before e except after c" may be on the lips of every schoolchild in Britain, but that doesn't mean they remember the rule by the time they get to university.
Of course, such proposals have been made in the past. The advent of text messaging turned many students into spelling neanderthals as phrases such as "wot r u doin 2nite?" became socially, if not academically, acceptable.
Despite Smith's suggestion, language mavens are unconvinced. John Simpson, the chief editor of the Oxford English Dictionary, says rules are rules and they are there for good reason.
"There are enormous advantages in having a coherent system of spelling," he told the Times newspaper.
"It makes it easier to communicate. Maybe during a learning phase there is some scope for error, but I would hope that by the time people get to university they have learnt to spell."
Yet even some of Britain's greatest wordsmiths have acknowledged it's a language with irritating quirkiness.
Playwright George Bernard Shaw was fond of pointing out that the word "ghoti" could just as well be pronounced "fish" if you followed common pronunciation: 'gh' as in "tough," 'o' as in "women" and 'ti' as in "nation."
And he was a playright."
Oh hell no! Ken Smith must be an utter moron if he thinks that this is acceptable. All of these people who spell dude like dood or cool as kewl all give off the appearance of complete dipshits. How sad are you that you feel the need to gain attention by bastardizing the English language?
I wonder if Mr. Smith would let his accountant get away with the same principles? You know, when he does his taxes that they are close enough. I am sure that law enforcement would be close enough in how long they locked him up as well. Or what if his boss adopted his feeling with regards to his paycheck? I bet he would change his tune then.
One wonders if this is the way that Ken Smith really feels, why should we continue to educate our children? Why grade? Like little league baseball, the score is always fun to fun. Yeah why not.
And let’s put this way of thinking into effect in every class. World War II was from 1780 – 1999. Close enough! E=MCHammer, works for me! What is 20% of 200? Apple. Why not!
This close enough idea would make cross word puzzles interesting. And I guess that Saturday Night Live would have to revamp all of their Jeopardy! skits.
Is there a global outbreak of dumbass or something going on? It’s beginning to look like the whole world is about to OD on stupid pills.
Don’t get dead (And learn to spell!)
Surveys
Do you ever get those silly survey e-mails? You know the ones where they list out your 50 favorite things and crap like that? I see tons of these things but I never really “take” them. So I thought that I would give it a shot. So here goes.
50 ODD Things about you! If you opened this, FILL IT OUT! Learn 50 things about your friends, and let them learn 50 things about you!
1) Favorite object in your room?
Everything, I bought it all so if I didn’t like it I wouldn’t own it.
2) Have you ever smoked heroin?
Smoked? No, never smoked it.
3) Do you own guns?
Yeah, Kiss wrote a song about it.
4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
None
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Not any more, but when I was single I would sweat bullets in the doctor’s office
6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I think they are sort of brownish in color, somewhat oblong in shape and come 10 to a pack.
7) Favorite song?
Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And Grooving With A Pict
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Liquids. Drinking solids is way to hard first thing in the morning.
9) Can you do push ups?
Like a champ
10) Can you do a chin up?
With a little help from my friends
11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My ring, just guess which one!
12) Do you like blue cheese?
Love fungus!
13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yup
15) What's one trait that you hate about yourself?
Wait, where is 14? What happened to 14? Is 14 ok? HAS ANYONE HEARD FROM 14? Call the fuzz, have them put out an APB on 14. Oh god, I hope 14 is alright.
16) Middle name?
14’s middle name? I don’t know, I guess it would be the our in fourteen, or maybe it is urte.
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
WE GOT TO FIND 14, Where the hell is 14? Does anyone have 14’s cell phone number?
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Pills, lunch, soda
19) Name 3 drinks you drink regularly?
Coffee, Diet Coke, Water
20) Current worry?
I am more than a little concerned about 14, he is missing.
21) Current hate right now?
I hate that I can’t find 14, did you hear that he is missing?
23) How did you bring in the New Year?
Holy shit, now 22 is missing too. This freaking me out. First it was 14 and now they got 22 as well. LOCK THE CITY DOWN people. We have a numbernapper out there. As of right now it appears that they are only interested in even numbers but we can’t confirm that. Someone call America’s Most Wanted. We got to get 14 and 22 back. I am going to make a ribbon bumper sticker with 14 and 22 on it. All proceeds will go to finding 14 and 22.
24) Where would you like to be right now?
In the company of 14 and 22
25) Name three people who will complete this?
Well it damn sure wont be 14 and 22 now will it?! Why do you keep asking me all of these questions when two whole numbers are missing?
26) Do you own slippers?
Yes, size 14, 22 in euro…. Oh my god, how weird is that?
27) What shirt are you wearing?
My new have you seen 14 and 22 t-shirt
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I wont sleep until we find 14 and 22, this is serious people!
29) Can you whistle?
Yes, and I have been whistling and yelling for 14 and 22 since I found out that they were missing
341) Would you be a pirate?
Oh fuck, now they got 30 – 340. NO NUMBERS ARE SAFE. Take shelter!
32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Wait, how did we get back to 32? Aren’t you missing?
33) Favorite girl's name?
What kind of fucked up question is this when we are in a state of emergency?
34) Favorite boy's name?
Long Dong Silver, his parents must have been visionaries.
35) What's in your pocket?
Wait, you don’t think that I took 14, 22 and all of the other missing numbers do you?
36) Last person that made you laugh?
Tom Bergeron, love that damn America’s Funniest Home Videos.
37) Best bed sheets as a child:
Clean ones.
38) Worst injury you've ever had?
Got my face busted up in a motorcycle wreck, oh well, I don’t think I would have enjoyed being a model anyway.
39) Do you love where you live?
Oh god no, I hate it. idiot
40) How many TVs do you have in your house?
I think 5, but they are all tuned to the news, we got to find the missing numbers!
41) Who is your loudest friend?
Not sure, right now they are all loud walking through the woods yelling for the missing numbers.
42) How many dogs do you have?
None, but if I did they would be out sniffing the trail of the missing numbers.
43) Does someone have a crush on you?
I don’t know, but I can tell you that I am really missing 14 & 22 right now.
46) What is your favorite candy?
Oh Christ! They got 44 & 45 now too!! Curse you numbernapper!
47) Favorite Sports Team?
Alabama Crimson Tide! Especially number 14, 22, 44 & 45!
48) Where is the next place you want to travel to?
I hope it’s not to identify 14, 22, 44 & 45.
49) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
In a chemically induced sleep
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I sure as hell hope that 14, 22, 44 & 45 are ok.
Yeah, it’s stupid, I know.
Don’t get dead
50 ODD Things about you! If you opened this, FILL IT OUT! Learn 50 things about your friends, and let them learn 50 things about you!
1) Favorite object in your room?
Everything, I bought it all so if I didn’t like it I wouldn’t own it.
2) Have you ever smoked heroin?
Smoked? No, never smoked it.
3) Do you own guns?
Yeah, Kiss wrote a song about it.
4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
None
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Not any more, but when I was single I would sweat bullets in the doctor’s office
6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I think they are sort of brownish in color, somewhat oblong in shape and come 10 to a pack.
7) Favorite song?
Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And Grooving With A Pict
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Liquids. Drinking solids is way to hard first thing in the morning.
9) Can you do push ups?
Like a champ
10) Can you do a chin up?
With a little help from my friends
11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My ring, just guess which one!
12) Do you like blue cheese?
Love fungus!
13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yup
15) What's one trait that you hate about yourself?
Wait, where is 14? What happened to 14? Is 14 ok? HAS ANYONE HEARD FROM 14? Call the fuzz, have them put out an APB on 14. Oh god, I hope 14 is alright.
16) Middle name?
14’s middle name? I don’t know, I guess it would be the our in fourteen, or maybe it is urte.
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
WE GOT TO FIND 14, Where the hell is 14? Does anyone have 14’s cell phone number?
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Pills, lunch, soda
19) Name 3 drinks you drink regularly?
Coffee, Diet Coke, Water
20) Current worry?
I am more than a little concerned about 14, he is missing.
21) Current hate right now?
I hate that I can’t find 14, did you hear that he is missing?
23) How did you bring in the New Year?
Holy shit, now 22 is missing too. This freaking me out. First it was 14 and now they got 22 as well. LOCK THE CITY DOWN people. We have a numbernapper out there. As of right now it appears that they are only interested in even numbers but we can’t confirm that. Someone call America’s Most Wanted. We got to get 14 and 22 back. I am going to make a ribbon bumper sticker with 14 and 22 on it. All proceeds will go to finding 14 and 22.
24) Where would you like to be right now?
In the company of 14 and 22
25) Name three people who will complete this?
Well it damn sure wont be 14 and 22 now will it?! Why do you keep asking me all of these questions when two whole numbers are missing?
26) Do you own slippers?
Yes, size 14, 22 in euro…. Oh my god, how weird is that?
27) What shirt are you wearing?
My new have you seen 14 and 22 t-shirt
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I wont sleep until we find 14 and 22, this is serious people!
29) Can you whistle?
Yes, and I have been whistling and yelling for 14 and 22 since I found out that they were missing
341) Would you be a pirate?
Oh fuck, now they got 30 – 340. NO NUMBERS ARE SAFE. Take shelter!
32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Wait, how did we get back to 32? Aren’t you missing?
33) Favorite girl's name?
What kind of fucked up question is this when we are in a state of emergency?
34) Favorite boy's name?
Long Dong Silver, his parents must have been visionaries.
35) What's in your pocket?
Wait, you don’t think that I took 14, 22 and all of the other missing numbers do you?
36) Last person that made you laugh?
Tom Bergeron, love that damn America’s Funniest Home Videos.
37) Best bed sheets as a child:
Clean ones.
38) Worst injury you've ever had?
Got my face busted up in a motorcycle wreck, oh well, I don’t think I would have enjoyed being a model anyway.
39) Do you love where you live?
Oh god no, I hate it. idiot
40) How many TVs do you have in your house?
I think 5, but they are all tuned to the news, we got to find the missing numbers!
41) Who is your loudest friend?
Not sure, right now they are all loud walking through the woods yelling for the missing numbers.
42) How many dogs do you have?
None, but if I did they would be out sniffing the trail of the missing numbers.
43) Does someone have a crush on you?
I don’t know, but I can tell you that I am really missing 14 & 22 right now.
46) What is your favorite candy?
Oh Christ! They got 44 & 45 now too!! Curse you numbernapper!
47) Favorite Sports Team?
Alabama Crimson Tide! Especially number 14, 22, 44 & 45!
48) Where is the next place you want to travel to?
I hope it’s not to identify 14, 22, 44 & 45.
49) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
In a chemically induced sleep
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I sure as hell hope that 14, 22, 44 & 45 are ok.
Yeah, it’s stupid, I know.
Don’t get dead
Dear Sweezey - Is courtship dead?
Dear Sweezey,
How many dates before a woman is expected to put out? Is no one out there excited about the anticipation of sleeping with someone new? It seems like everyone expects sex on the first date. I don't get it.
- Everywhere
Dear Everywhere,
I can answer your question in one word, CLEAR!! That’s right, get out the defibrillator.
Lady where have you been since the early 90’s? There is an old southern saying that is used in dominos but it applies here as well, think long: think wrong. So if you think anyone is waiting with anticipation, you are sadly mistaken. Plus, would you really want to go through a lengthy relationship, fall head over heals in love with your soul mate only to find out years down the road that the only way he can get off is if you shove a two litter soda bottle up his ass while he hangs from the ceiling fan? Is that really what you want to anticipate? I will answer it for you, hell no it’s not.
Think about it like this, it’s like test driving a car, you want to take it for a spin before you lay your money down. Think of all of the time, money, effort and emotions that you will save yourself by getting down to business right away.
I mean look at the statistics, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Why do you think that is? Could be a lot of dudes out there hanging from ceiling fans if you know what I mean.
Now as for me, I was a good boy and I didn’t do anything until after I was married… yeah. Matter of fact, still a virgin.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice at DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
How many dates before a woman is expected to put out? Is no one out there excited about the anticipation of sleeping with someone new? It seems like everyone expects sex on the first date. I don't get it.
- Everywhere
Dear Everywhere,
I can answer your question in one word, CLEAR!! That’s right, get out the defibrillator.
Lady where have you been since the early 90’s? There is an old southern saying that is used in dominos but it applies here as well, think long: think wrong. So if you think anyone is waiting with anticipation, you are sadly mistaken. Plus, would you really want to go through a lengthy relationship, fall head over heals in love with your soul mate only to find out years down the road that the only way he can get off is if you shove a two litter soda bottle up his ass while he hangs from the ceiling fan? Is that really what you want to anticipate? I will answer it for you, hell no it’s not.
Think about it like this, it’s like test driving a car, you want to take it for a spin before you lay your money down. Think of all of the time, money, effort and emotions that you will save yourself by getting down to business right away.
I mean look at the statistics, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Why do you think that is? Could be a lot of dudes out there hanging from ceiling fans if you know what I mean.
Now as for me, I was a good boy and I didn’t do anything until after I was married… yeah. Matter of fact, still a virgin.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice at DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Dear Sweezey – What should I do?
Dear Sweezey,
I just now ran across an ad in M4W that had a photo of the husband of a couple that I have socialized with occasionally, one of my friends is good friends with his wife.
What should I do? Tell? Keep quiet?
Reply and ask him for a date? LOL I'm only joking. I don't date married men. He is cute, though.
Seriously, what should I do??
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The answer to this is how much grief do you want in your life? If you want to keep a good relationship with everyone and keep mental anguish to a minimum, you should just forget you ever saw the ad. If you love to stir the pot and want to be a busy-body, you should tell the wife and show her the ad.
But why do you want to know? Unless you want to date him, which you have stated that you don’t, just butt out of it. But you did say that you thought he was cute, so I think that you are going to make every attempt to screw up his marriage so that you can move in. For all you know, they might have an open relationship and the wife completely accepts of this. Maybe he has a twin, who knows. Quit being a nosey bitch. That’s the reason that no one likes you. Plus, how sad are you that you are out looking for men in personal ads. I bet you live under a bridge don’t you, troll woman.
Good god, no wonder you are so unhappy with your life. Why don’t you spend a little more time worrying about you and a hell of a lot less time worrying about everyone else? Want to know why you are looking for men in personal ads? It’s because you want everyone else to do everything for you. You want to sit on your ass sucking down foot long chili cheese dogs and bitch about how there are no good men left.
Why don’t you go out buy some decent clothes, get a haircut, try some spray-on tanner, put on some make-up, shave some things, go to the bar and crank up the flirt machine. Yeah, actually get off your ass and do something. Trust me, you will be much happier in life.
Dear god woman, have some decorum!
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
I just now ran across an ad in M4W that had a photo of the husband of a couple that I have socialized with occasionally, one of my friends is good friends with his wife.
What should I do? Tell? Keep quiet?
Reply and ask him for a date? LOL I'm only joking. I don't date married men. He is cute, though.
Seriously, what should I do??
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The answer to this is how much grief do you want in your life? If you want to keep a good relationship with everyone and keep mental anguish to a minimum, you should just forget you ever saw the ad. If you love to stir the pot and want to be a busy-body, you should tell the wife and show her the ad.
But why do you want to know? Unless you want to date him, which you have stated that you don’t, just butt out of it. But you did say that you thought he was cute, so I think that you are going to make every attempt to screw up his marriage so that you can move in. For all you know, they might have an open relationship and the wife completely accepts of this. Maybe he has a twin, who knows. Quit being a nosey bitch. That’s the reason that no one likes you. Plus, how sad are you that you are out looking for men in personal ads. I bet you live under a bridge don’t you, troll woman.
Good god, no wonder you are so unhappy with your life. Why don’t you spend a little more time worrying about you and a hell of a lot less time worrying about everyone else? Want to know why you are looking for men in personal ads? It’s because you want everyone else to do everything for you. You want to sit on your ass sucking down foot long chili cheese dogs and bitch about how there are no good men left.
Why don’t you go out buy some decent clothes, get a haircut, try some spray-on tanner, put on some make-up, shave some things, go to the bar and crank up the flirt machine. Yeah, actually get off your ass and do something. Trust me, you will be much happier in life.
Dear god woman, have some decorum!
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Pills, Glorious Pills!
Happy pills that is. For those who don’t know (because I don’t write about what is going on in my life a whole lot), I hurt my back recently. Who knew bench pressing dump truck transmissions could hurt you… yeah, that’s a load of crap.
I actually have no idea what I did but I hurt it. And it sucks.
After being able to barely walk, much less get up, on Sunday I decided that I had to get some help and that this wasn’t going to get better on its own. So it was either a visit to Dr. Mengele’s understudy or to a “street vendor” on a shady corner of town or something because this was starting to suck royally. After a few calls around I was able to get both a session in “the rack” and some prescription goodness. Ahh yes, better living through chemistry. At this point I could care less about what is in these tiny little pharmaceutical dynamite caps, but I am happy to have them. A couple of the main reasons that I am happy to have these little marvels of modern science is because the pain was getting to be a bit much and quite frankly I was getting tired of walking like a gorilla.
So I have no idea of how coherent this is but it is making sense to me, at least right now it is.
So that’s what is going on with me lately. I have some notes scribbled down about things that I would like to write about but who knows when I will get to those.
Yeah pills!!
Don’t get dead
I actually have no idea what I did but I hurt it. And it sucks.
After being able to barely walk, much less get up, on Sunday I decided that I had to get some help and that this wasn’t going to get better on its own. So it was either a visit to Dr. Mengele’s understudy or to a “street vendor” on a shady corner of town or something because this was starting to suck royally. After a few calls around I was able to get both a session in “the rack” and some prescription goodness. Ahh yes, better living through chemistry. At this point I could care less about what is in these tiny little pharmaceutical dynamite caps, but I am happy to have them. A couple of the main reasons that I am happy to have these little marvels of modern science is because the pain was getting to be a bit much and quite frankly I was getting tired of walking like a gorilla.
So I have no idea of how coherent this is but it is making sense to me, at least right now it is.
So that’s what is going on with me lately. I have some notes scribbled down about things that I would like to write about but who knows when I will get to those.
Yeah pills!!
Don’t get dead
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Another stupid commercial
While watching some of the coverage of hurricane Ike I saw this commercial for this “personal sound amplifier” called “Listen Up”, have you seen this bullshit?
If not, you can see it here
In the first scene of the commercial there is this older couple in bed, the wife is reading a book and the husband is apparently watching TV when this bitch leans over and says, “Could you turn that down please!” and he does! What a pussy.
Now there are two things wrong here, first thing is if this was a real couple they would have both been asleep. My grandparents didn’t read and watch TV in bed. It seemed to me that they were in bed shortly after the 6:00 news so I doubt highly that they were reading and watching the late show in the middle of the night.
The second part of this that is wrong is that the husband should have looked over and showed her how strong his pimp hand is. Payow! Was that quiet enough?!
In the next scene memaw is on the phone while pops is watching the game or something and she yells over, “Does that have to be so loud!”
Ok bitch, you are on a cordless phone, why don’t you take your ass to another room. You expect gandpa to pick up that heavy ass console TV and tote it to the guest room or something? Damn.
Later on in the commercial the narrator talks about how you can hear conversations from across the room and they show a guy in the gym apparently listening to two girls talk about him. And then some dame is checking her mail as the other desperate housewives are walking by talking about her. Sounds like a restraining order starter kit to me.
There is also a mention about how this device can be used for outdoorsmen and it shows some guy hunting. Why is it that the thought of someone who can’t hear that well in the wilderness with a high-powered rifle scares the hell out of me? Like it is all of the sudden safe for Marlee Matlin’s son to be out deer hunting. I don’t want to be there when the batteries die and the Jr. Matlin mistakes me for an 8-point buck.
Don’t get dead
If not, you can see it here
In the first scene of the commercial there is this older couple in bed, the wife is reading a book and the husband is apparently watching TV when this bitch leans over and says, “Could you turn that down please!” and he does! What a pussy.
Now there are two things wrong here, first thing is if this was a real couple they would have both been asleep. My grandparents didn’t read and watch TV in bed. It seemed to me that they were in bed shortly after the 6:00 news so I doubt highly that they were reading and watching the late show in the middle of the night.
The second part of this that is wrong is that the husband should have looked over and showed her how strong his pimp hand is. Payow! Was that quiet enough?!
In the next scene memaw is on the phone while pops is watching the game or something and she yells over, “Does that have to be so loud!”
Ok bitch, you are on a cordless phone, why don’t you take your ass to another room. You expect gandpa to pick up that heavy ass console TV and tote it to the guest room or something? Damn.
Later on in the commercial the narrator talks about how you can hear conversations from across the room and they show a guy in the gym apparently listening to two girls talk about him. And then some dame is checking her mail as the other desperate housewives are walking by talking about her. Sounds like a restraining order starter kit to me.
There is also a mention about how this device can be used for outdoorsmen and it shows some guy hunting. Why is it that the thought of someone who can’t hear that well in the wilderness with a high-powered rifle scares the hell out of me? Like it is all of the sudden safe for Marlee Matlin’s son to be out deer hunting. I don’t want to be there when the batteries die and the Jr. Matlin mistakes me for an 8-point buck.
Don’t get dead
And now for something completely similar
With all that is going on with this political season you hear lots of commentary as to what a particular candidate should or shouldn’t do. You hear how they should appeal to this group of people or how they should tailor their comments to that group and so on. One of the things that I heard recently was how someone should have a “grassroots” movement.
A grassroots movement is one driven by the constituents of a community. The term implies that the creation of the movement and the group supporting it is natural and spontaneous, highlighting the differences between this and a movement that is orchestrated by traditional power structures. Often, grassroots movements are at the local level, as many volunteers in the community give their time to support the local party, which can lead to helping the national party. For instance, a grassroots movement can lead to significant voter registration for a political party, which in turn helps the state and national parties. Thank you very much Wikipedia.
But if you didn’t know that, you wouldn’t think that is what it means. On the surface when one thinks of grassroots they think of something that is dark, underground, germy and dirty even. Is that something you would want associated with your candidate of choice? I think not!
What I want for my candidate is an alcohol laden campaign. I am sure that initially you thought this guy has got to be kidding. Does he really want some sort of alcohol laden political campaign? Yeah I do, because as we all know alcohol kills germs! A clean campaign would be nice for a change.
Don’t get dead
A grassroots movement is one driven by the constituents of a community. The term implies that the creation of the movement and the group supporting it is natural and spontaneous, highlighting the differences between this and a movement that is orchestrated by traditional power structures. Often, grassroots movements are at the local level, as many volunteers in the community give their time to support the local party, which can lead to helping the national party. For instance, a grassroots movement can lead to significant voter registration for a political party, which in turn helps the state and national parties. Thank you very much Wikipedia.
But if you didn’t know that, you wouldn’t think that is what it means. On the surface when one thinks of grassroots they think of something that is dark, underground, germy and dirty even. Is that something you would want associated with your candidate of choice? I think not!
What I want for my candidate is an alcohol laden campaign. I am sure that initially you thought this guy has got to be kidding. Does he really want some sort of alcohol laden political campaign? Yeah I do, because as we all know alcohol kills germs! A clean campaign would be nice for a change.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Hurricane Ike and News Headlines
While surfing during lunch today I saw a headline that reads “Texas governor: Hurricane Ike will be dangerous”. Well thank you Rick Perry for hipping us to that late breaking news flash. So is it that some hurricanes are dangerous or just this one or what? Maybe the news story will tell us. It reads as follows.
“Texas governor: Hurricane Ike will be dangerous
HOUSTON - Texas Gov. Rick Perry is urging residents to finish storm preparations ahead of a very dangerous Hurricane Ike.
Perry told reporters Thursday that Ike is a gigantic storm, and says he "cannot overestimate the danger that is facing us."
Ike is expected to become at least a Category 3 storm with winds upward of 111 mph before it comes ashore. Hurricane warnings are in effect from the Louisiana coast to Morgan City.
Authorities are trying to avoid traffic gridlock similar to an evacuation during Hurricane Rita three years ago. Only eight zip codes in low-lying areas and near Galveston Bay are under mandatory evacuation orders.
Traffic is stacked bumper to bumper on one freeway leading away from Galveston County and into the Houston metropolitan area.”
So let’s see, this hurricane is a “gigantic storm”, no shit? Who would have thunk it? Who would have ever thought that this hurricane that everyone, even REMOTELY related to news or weather, has been talking about for weeks might have some considerable size. Wow, I can see how you got elected.
Perry then continues with he "cannot overestimate the danger that is facing us." Really?! Overestimate, OVERestimate, you can not OVERESTIMATE the danger that is facing us? Why don’t you try complete annihilation of the entire country, do you think that might be an overestimate? I do hope that you mean underestimate.
What is it about Texas Governors and their inability to speak?
Don’t get dead
“Texas governor: Hurricane Ike will be dangerous
HOUSTON - Texas Gov. Rick Perry is urging residents to finish storm preparations ahead of a very dangerous Hurricane Ike.
Perry told reporters Thursday that Ike is a gigantic storm, and says he "cannot overestimate the danger that is facing us."
Ike is expected to become at least a Category 3 storm with winds upward of 111 mph before it comes ashore. Hurricane warnings are in effect from the Louisiana coast to Morgan City.
Authorities are trying to avoid traffic gridlock similar to an evacuation during Hurricane Rita three years ago. Only eight zip codes in low-lying areas and near Galveston Bay are under mandatory evacuation orders.
Traffic is stacked bumper to bumper on one freeway leading away from Galveston County and into the Houston metropolitan area.”
So let’s see, this hurricane is a “gigantic storm”, no shit? Who would have thunk it? Who would have ever thought that this hurricane that everyone, even REMOTELY related to news or weather, has been talking about for weeks might have some considerable size. Wow, I can see how you got elected.
Perry then continues with he "cannot overestimate the danger that is facing us." Really?! Overestimate, OVERestimate, you can not OVERESTIMATE the danger that is facing us? Why don’t you try complete annihilation of the entire country, do you think that might be an overestimate? I do hope that you mean underestimate.
What is it about Texas Governors and their inability to speak?
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Divorce haiku
The other day I was doing some surfing while I had a few moments of free time and I came across this post from a woman who had written several haikus about her divorce and her soon to be ex-husband. Someone needs a spoon full of sugar to get her medicine down.
I can understand being upset about the wrongs that have been bestowed upon her. But damn she all but called him a little wanker who couldn’t get off an inmate in a womens prison with a fistful of pardons.
You can almost hear the maitre d’ now, “Bitter, table of one. Bitter, table of one”
But I have to admit, she had talent for writing. Her haikus where very well structured and got her point across without question. I think she has a PhD in bitch.
Yikes!
Don’t get dead
I can understand being upset about the wrongs that have been bestowed upon her. But damn she all but called him a little wanker who couldn’t get off an inmate in a womens prison with a fistful of pardons.
You can almost hear the maitre d’ now, “Bitter, table of one. Bitter, table of one”
But I have to admit, she had talent for writing. Her haikus where very well structured and got her point across without question. I think she has a PhD in bitch.
Yikes!
Don’t get dead
Movies
I found this on another blog and thought that it was funny so I decided to post it here as well. I am by no means saying that this is mine, just sharing it. I can't remember where I saw it or I would have posted the link.
Enjoy
My friend “Lucky” on MySpace recently posted a blog listing a number of movies she would like to see and challenging her readers to make a list of their own. Drawing on my long years of experience in the TV Listings industry, here are my selections:
Out on a Lamb Chop
(Children) A lovable sock puppet discovers she was a ventriloquist’s dummy in a previous life.
Clash of the Titanic
(Drama) Perseus sinks his fortune in the “unsinkable” Argo only to learn that he has been fleeced. [Yeah, I know … it’s “Jason and the Argonauts,” but it’s all Greek to me. Troy, Troy again, I guess.]
Brokeback to the Future
(Science Fiction) Marty and Doc explore their feelings for one another in the Hill Valley of 1955.
It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Max
(Comedy) An all-star cast races to find a cache of gasoline buried somewhere in a post-holocaust Australian Outback in this comic tour de force.
Children of a Lesser Godfather
(Drama) Francis Ford Coppola directs this powerful drama that chronicles a family of deaf mobsters over a span of ten years.
Citizen Caine Mutiny
(Drama) A Machiavellian newspaperman weathers a typhoon in 1944 Manhattan.
Singin’ in the Rainman
(Musical) An autistic singer and dancer “definitely” makes the transition from silent films to talkies.
Wild, Wild West Side Story
(Western) Two gunslingers in the 1950s face a gang of murderous teens in New York’s Hell’s Kitchen.
Breakfast Club at Tiffany’s
(Drama) Five eccentric socialites are thrown together and discover that they are five eccentric socialites.
The Grapes of Wrath of Khan
(Science Fiction) A group of genetically enhanced supermen steal a starship in order to flee an ecologically ravaged Ceti Alpha V in search of a better life in Oklahoma.
The Princess Bride of Frankenstein
(Comedy) A beautiful young re-animated woman keeps the audience in stitches as she searches for her one true love.
Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof
(Musical) A Southern family in crisis struggles to hold on their way of life when a melodious eastern European Jewish family moves in next door.
My Fair Lady and the Tramp
(Musical-Animated) A Cocker Spaniel and a mongrel are passed off as royalty by their boorish trainer.
Pee-Wee’s Big Poseidon Adventure
(Comedy) A naïve onanist tries to regain his lost reputation after his career is capsized.
Village of the Damned Yankees
(Musical) A group of sinister British schoolchildren form a Little League baseball team to go head-to-head against the New York Yankees with the help of a crusty old coach played by Walter Matthau.
Don't get dead
Enjoy
My friend “Lucky” on MySpace recently posted a blog listing a number of movies she would like to see and challenging her readers to make a list of their own. Drawing on my long years of experience in the TV Listings industry, here are my selections:
Out on a Lamb Chop
(Children) A lovable sock puppet discovers she was a ventriloquist’s dummy in a previous life.
Clash of the Titanic
(Drama) Perseus sinks his fortune in the “unsinkable” Argo only to learn that he has been fleeced. [Yeah, I know … it’s “Jason and the Argonauts,” but it’s all Greek to me. Troy, Troy again, I guess.]
Brokeback to the Future
(Science Fiction) Marty and Doc explore their feelings for one another in the Hill Valley of 1955.
It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Max
(Comedy) An all-star cast races to find a cache of gasoline buried somewhere in a post-holocaust Australian Outback in this comic tour de force.
Children of a Lesser Godfather
(Drama) Francis Ford Coppola directs this powerful drama that chronicles a family of deaf mobsters over a span of ten years.
Citizen Caine Mutiny
(Drama) A Machiavellian newspaperman weathers a typhoon in 1944 Manhattan.
Singin’ in the Rainman
(Musical) An autistic singer and dancer “definitely” makes the transition from silent films to talkies.
Wild, Wild West Side Story
(Western) Two gunslingers in the 1950s face a gang of murderous teens in New York’s Hell’s Kitchen.
Breakfast Club at Tiffany’s
(Drama) Five eccentric socialites are thrown together and discover that they are five eccentric socialites.
The Grapes of Wrath of Khan
(Science Fiction) A group of genetically enhanced supermen steal a starship in order to flee an ecologically ravaged Ceti Alpha V in search of a better life in Oklahoma.
The Princess Bride of Frankenstein
(Comedy) A beautiful young re-animated woman keeps the audience in stitches as she searches for her one true love.
Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof
(Musical) A Southern family in crisis struggles to hold on their way of life when a melodious eastern European Jewish family moves in next door.
My Fair Lady and the Tramp
(Musical-Animated) A Cocker Spaniel and a mongrel are passed off as royalty by their boorish trainer.
Pee-Wee’s Big Poseidon Adventure
(Comedy) A naïve onanist tries to regain his lost reputation after his career is capsized.
Village of the Damned Yankees
(Musical) A group of sinister British schoolchildren form a Little League baseball team to go head-to-head against the New York Yankees with the help of a crusty old coach played by Walter Matthau.
Don't get dead
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 9/7/08
Would you rather
go without television for the rest of your life
-OR-
go without junk food for the rest of your life?
For me this is an easy one, I would rather go without junk food. I don't get to watch much TV but I do like what I do get to watch.
Don't get dead
go without television for the rest of your life
-OR-
go without junk food for the rest of your life?
For me this is an easy one, I would rather go without junk food. I don't get to watch much TV but I do like what I do get to watch.
Don't get dead
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Last Night
I did something bad last night, really bad.
When I came home from work yesterday I went and cut the lawn and did a couple of things that needed to be taken care of outside. So after the lawn work was done and I got to a point on my outdoor projects that I was satisfied that I was at an acceptable stopping place so I went and sat on the back porch to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor.
For some reason, I felt the need to start a fire.
Don’t worry it was in my fire table. In case you don’t know, a fire table is an outdoor coffee table with a pit (for the lack of a better word) that you can light a fire in.
So there I am in the back yard with all of the exterior lights out, a fire burning and enjoying a nice drink.
And that’s when it happened.
I started to daydream just a little bit and decided to enjoy some music. I went to get my iPod and had this uncontrollable urge to listen to a mix of classic rock and southern rock. As I am gazing into the flames with a nice gentle breeze blowing I started to reminisce. I am sure that the memory inducing sounds of Boston, Bad Company, The Black Crows, Y&T, Autograph 38 Special, The Eagles & The Allman Brothers didn’t contribute to this preverbal trip down memory lane. But it was the first handful of notes and the words “Turn it up” of Lynard Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama” that kicked this trip into overdrive.
So there I am thinking back to bonfire parties at Jason Jones’ house, Chad (whose last name escapes me right now) land, the old Barn, the clay pits, Hollywood or any of the other places that we used to hang out at back home.
My mind couldn’t help but to think back to a multitude of Friday or Saturday fall nights with 30 – 50 of my best friends circling some form of burning wood, be it pallets, a tree that someone cut down or God knows what, with someone’s car stereo playing The Eagles’ “Seven Bridges Road” with almost everyone singing along. Of if I only had a tailgate to sit on at that time…
As this stroll through the outer banks of my memory continued, I can clearly remember talks of either the next day’s or that day’s SEC game and the friendly bickering back and forth between fans of rival teams. And I can remember knowing that if you saw this person, that person was either at the party or would be there shortly. So I guess I was getting a bit home sick.
That’s when it happened. As I looked back to the people in those memories I would this about this person or that person or this couple and then I would remember, oh they aren’t together and this person isn’t alive any more oh and I haven’t seen this guy in …. wow 15 years, I wonder what they are doing now and so many other things went through my mind.
And as I was looking back at some of the best memories of my life, I realized that life has moved on. And not that people have changed necessarily but that life has changed. And even though I am happy for everyone, I got a little sad for a moment thinking about how those are just memories now. Those times are no more. Not that the people are gone, but the situations are gone. No more will we be able to rally the troops for those great parties that we used to have. Of course I should be one to talk considering that I live half way across the country now. But what I would give for one more.
One more time where all of those faces would be there again. Once more, where we could all enjoy those laughs one more time. Just one more time to just see everyone, as we were, living the greatest lives known to man.
I know that they are just memories now, but I cherish them.
Don’t get dead
When I came home from work yesterday I went and cut the lawn and did a couple of things that needed to be taken care of outside. So after the lawn work was done and I got to a point on my outdoor projects that I was satisfied that I was at an acceptable stopping place so I went and sat on the back porch to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor.
For some reason, I felt the need to start a fire.
Don’t worry it was in my fire table. In case you don’t know, a fire table is an outdoor coffee table with a pit (for the lack of a better word) that you can light a fire in.
So there I am in the back yard with all of the exterior lights out, a fire burning and enjoying a nice drink.
And that’s when it happened.
I started to daydream just a little bit and decided to enjoy some music. I went to get my iPod and had this uncontrollable urge to listen to a mix of classic rock and southern rock. As I am gazing into the flames with a nice gentle breeze blowing I started to reminisce. I am sure that the memory inducing sounds of Boston, Bad Company, The Black Crows, Y&T, Autograph 38 Special, The Eagles & The Allman Brothers didn’t contribute to this preverbal trip down memory lane. But it was the first handful of notes and the words “Turn it up” of Lynard Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama” that kicked this trip into overdrive.
So there I am thinking back to bonfire parties at Jason Jones’ house, Chad (whose last name escapes me right now) land, the old Barn, the clay pits, Hollywood or any of the other places that we used to hang out at back home.
My mind couldn’t help but to think back to a multitude of Friday or Saturday fall nights with 30 – 50 of my best friends circling some form of burning wood, be it pallets, a tree that someone cut down or God knows what, with someone’s car stereo playing The Eagles’ “Seven Bridges Road” with almost everyone singing along. Of if I only had a tailgate to sit on at that time…
As this stroll through the outer banks of my memory continued, I can clearly remember talks of either the next day’s or that day’s SEC game and the friendly bickering back and forth between fans of rival teams. And I can remember knowing that if you saw this person, that person was either at the party or would be there shortly. So I guess I was getting a bit home sick.
That’s when it happened. As I looked back to the people in those memories I would this about this person or that person or this couple and then I would remember, oh they aren’t together and this person isn’t alive any more oh and I haven’t seen this guy in …. wow 15 years, I wonder what they are doing now and so many other things went through my mind.
And as I was looking back at some of the best memories of my life, I realized that life has moved on. And not that people have changed necessarily but that life has changed. And even though I am happy for everyone, I got a little sad for a moment thinking about how those are just memories now. Those times are no more. Not that the people are gone, but the situations are gone. No more will we be able to rally the troops for those great parties that we used to have. Of course I should be one to talk considering that I live half way across the country now. But what I would give for one more.
One more time where all of those faces would be there again. Once more, where we could all enjoy those laughs one more time. Just one more time to just see everyone, as we were, living the greatest lives known to man.
I know that they are just memories now, but I cherish them.
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo Question for 9/6/08
Would you rather
live the rest of your live with no teeth
-OR-
live the rest of your life with the hic-ups?
For me, it would have to be the teeth, I could get dentures or something but having the hick-ups while doing the wild monkey dance would really suck.
Don't get dead
live the rest of your live with no teeth
-OR-
live the rest of your life with the hic-ups?
For me, it would have to be the teeth, I could get dentures or something but having the hick-ups while doing the wild monkey dance would really suck.
Don't get dead
Friday, September 05, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 9/5/08
Would you rather
bite the head off a live gopher
-OR-
thoroughly lick a cat's butt?
Easy one again, for me it would be to bite the head off of a live gopher. I mean you could do it quick and you wouldn’t have to absorb anything, but your tongue on a cat’s ass? Oh no way! Cats are only good for one thing, field goals!
Don’t get dead
bite the head off a live gopher
-OR-
thoroughly lick a cat's butt?
Easy one again, for me it would be to bite the head off of a live gopher. I mean you could do it quick and you wouldn’t have to absorb anything, but your tongue on a cat’s ass? Oh no way! Cats are only good for one thing, field goals!
Don’t get dead
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Shrooms!
Over the Labor Day weekend we have a shrimp boil and one of the things that I like to add to my shrimp boil is mushrooms. During the course of the day there was some conversation over mushrooms and of course it reminded me of a story or two.
While living in Virginia I went to see Pink Floyd in concert (F’ING AWESOME show, RFK stadium in D.C. sold out for three nights in a row, yeah, it was killer). While we are tailgating and prepping for the show this guy walks by the group of us who were going to the show together and says to this one guy in our group, “Hey big man… shroooooooommms”. My friend looks at me and gives me this WTF look. I said to him, “You can eat them and trip and some people make tea out of them to drink and trip”. He turns to the door-to-door fungus salesman and says, “You better get the fuck away from me man” to which the toadstool trader replied with his hands out in front of him, “it’s cool man, it’s cool!” and walked away.
So my friend asked me, people really eat mushrooms and hallucinate? I told him yeah and that they have to be special one’s which grow out of cow manure. The look on his face and the response was classic. And I quote “You mean to tell me people eat mushrooms out of cow patties?!” After I wiped up the beer that I shot out of my nose I told him yeah, those are the ones. I went on to tell him about how you can make tea with them and get the same effect and so on.
After talking about this people usually ask me the same question, “How do you know about this?” To which I tell them that I am a junkie. Of course I’m not, I am a saint! My halo should be here in 6 to 8 weeks :). Back to how do I know, which is another story.
Back home, while in high school I was at some party that God only know who was throwing out in some double-wide in the middle of nowhere. How I got there, why I was there and what possessed me to go to said function are irrelevant to the story. But I am there and as fate would have it there are chicks there, chicks who I have not met yet so they have no idea how big of an asshole I am yet, sweeeet!
So I see this guy that I know sitting on this washer (or dryer, not sure which one and didn’t really care) in this hallway of sorts in the middle of this double-wide doing what appears to be talking to two girls. Upon site of this I knew that I must put a stop to this right away. Oh yeah, the intentional cock-block, the very worst kind.
But as I got closer I realized that he wasn’t talking to them and it looked like his head was looking back and forth down the hallway, but just once. He would look to his left and then to his right and then mumble something.
Just in case he was about to strike up a conversation with these girls, I decided to nip it. So I stroll over and start to chit-chat with these girls, purposely putting myself between the Maytag man and the girls. After a few minutes I look over and see this dude sweating like he wrote bad checks and looking down the hallway to his right and then down to his left and ask him what he is saying, to which he mumbles something about not talking to me. Oookay. Back to talking to these chicks. A few minutes later I notice his head turn to the left and then to the right which was followed by something that was in inaudible. So I ask this guy what he said again and again I get some form of an answer stating that he is not talking to me. Ok, and again back to talking to these girls. The third time that I notice this slow head turn one direction and then the other followed by some mumbling, I look over and say “what?” and he says “I am not talking to you!” So I had to ask “Who the F are you talking to then?!”.
You know, in all of my years on this planet, I have only heard this response one time. And if I gave you 1,000 guesses, you probably wouldn’t guess what his response was.
His response was “Kermit the Frog”. Which was followed up with, “the S.O.B. walked by me three times before he ever said anything to me”.
All I could muster was “Ho…Wha... HUH?” “What do you mean Kermit the Frog, are you a fucking idiot?!” Now these girls don’t know to be scared or laugh and I am embarrassed that I know this fool. He then continues by pointing at a spot of the floor which is where he assumed Kermit was and then I guess he snapped out of it because he looked puzzled and couldn’t find Kermit, or Miss Piggy or Gonzo or even Animal for that matter. So this tool has my full attention now. I mean you got to right. How do you pass up something like that? And I asked him out right, “Are you retarded or something?” And he gets pissed at me, like I am the one who is talking to puppets that aren’t there. PUPPETS!! Not a dog or a fictional character from a movie or a dead person, no he thought he was having a conversation with cloth and foam! But I am the a-hole for questioning him on this.
After talking to him for a bit we find out that he has sucked down almost a half gallon of mushroom tea. This is when I found out all that is shroom tea and of its magical powers.
Of course the rest of the night we told him that Snuffaluffagus was looking for him and that he was going to kick the crap out of him. Why not pick a puppet that only Bigbird could see right?
Don’t get dead
While living in Virginia I went to see Pink Floyd in concert (F’ING AWESOME show, RFK stadium in D.C. sold out for three nights in a row, yeah, it was killer). While we are tailgating and prepping for the show this guy walks by the group of us who were going to the show together and says to this one guy in our group, “Hey big man… shroooooooommms”. My friend looks at me and gives me this WTF look. I said to him, “You can eat them and trip and some people make tea out of them to drink and trip”. He turns to the door-to-door fungus salesman and says, “You better get the fuck away from me man” to which the toadstool trader replied with his hands out in front of him, “it’s cool man, it’s cool!” and walked away.
So my friend asked me, people really eat mushrooms and hallucinate? I told him yeah and that they have to be special one’s which grow out of cow manure. The look on his face and the response was classic. And I quote “You mean to tell me people eat mushrooms out of cow patties?!” After I wiped up the beer that I shot out of my nose I told him yeah, those are the ones. I went on to tell him about how you can make tea with them and get the same effect and so on.
After talking about this people usually ask me the same question, “How do you know about this?” To which I tell them that I am a junkie. Of course I’m not, I am a saint! My halo should be here in 6 to 8 weeks :). Back to how do I know, which is another story.
Back home, while in high school I was at some party that God only know who was throwing out in some double-wide in the middle of nowhere. How I got there, why I was there and what possessed me to go to said function are irrelevant to the story. But I am there and as fate would have it there are chicks there, chicks who I have not met yet so they have no idea how big of an asshole I am yet, sweeeet!
So I see this guy that I know sitting on this washer (or dryer, not sure which one and didn’t really care) in this hallway of sorts in the middle of this double-wide doing what appears to be talking to two girls. Upon site of this I knew that I must put a stop to this right away. Oh yeah, the intentional cock-block, the very worst kind.
But as I got closer I realized that he wasn’t talking to them and it looked like his head was looking back and forth down the hallway, but just once. He would look to his left and then to his right and then mumble something.
Just in case he was about to strike up a conversation with these girls, I decided to nip it. So I stroll over and start to chit-chat with these girls, purposely putting myself between the Maytag man and the girls. After a few minutes I look over and see this dude sweating like he wrote bad checks and looking down the hallway to his right and then down to his left and ask him what he is saying, to which he mumbles something about not talking to me. Oookay. Back to talking to these chicks. A few minutes later I notice his head turn to the left and then to the right which was followed by something that was in inaudible. So I ask this guy what he said again and again I get some form of an answer stating that he is not talking to me. Ok, and again back to talking to these girls. The third time that I notice this slow head turn one direction and then the other followed by some mumbling, I look over and say “what?” and he says “I am not talking to you!” So I had to ask “Who the F are you talking to then?!”.
You know, in all of my years on this planet, I have only heard this response one time. And if I gave you 1,000 guesses, you probably wouldn’t guess what his response was.
His response was “Kermit the Frog”. Which was followed up with, “the S.O.B. walked by me three times before he ever said anything to me”.
All I could muster was “Ho…Wha... HUH?” “What do you mean Kermit the Frog, are you a fucking idiot?!” Now these girls don’t know to be scared or laugh and I am embarrassed that I know this fool. He then continues by pointing at a spot of the floor which is where he assumed Kermit was and then I guess he snapped out of it because he looked puzzled and couldn’t find Kermit, or Miss Piggy or Gonzo or even Animal for that matter. So this tool has my full attention now. I mean you got to right. How do you pass up something like that? And I asked him out right, “Are you retarded or something?” And he gets pissed at me, like I am the one who is talking to puppets that aren’t there. PUPPETS!! Not a dog or a fictional character from a movie or a dead person, no he thought he was having a conversation with cloth and foam! But I am the a-hole for questioning him on this.
After talking to him for a bit we find out that he has sucked down almost a half gallon of mushroom tea. This is when I found out all that is shroom tea and of its magical powers.
Of course the rest of the night we told him that Snuffaluffagus was looking for him and that he was going to kick the crap out of him. Why not pick a puppet that only Bigbird could see right?
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo Question for 9/4/08
Would you rather
chew shards of broken glass
-OR-
sit on a lighted barbecue grill?
I got to say for me, it would be the broken glass ones. Cuts will heal but if I burn off Little Elvis and the twins, there is no coming back from that.
Don’t get dead
chew shards of broken glass
-OR-
sit on a lighted barbecue grill?
I got to say for me, it would be the broken glass ones. Cuts will heal but if I burn off Little Elvis and the twins, there is no coming back from that.
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 9/3/08
Would you rather
suck clean an unknown person's set of dentures
-OR-
eat popcorn that has been blown out of an elephant's trunk?
Don't get dead
suck clean an unknown person's set of dentures
-OR-
eat popcorn that has been blown out of an elephant's trunk?
Don't get dead
Who would you bring back and On This Day
If you could bring back any one rock star for one gig, who would it be? There are tons of great musicians who have passed, many before their time. So if you could bring back any one rock star, who would it be? Would you bring back Hendrix? Rhodes? Freddie Mercury? Keith Moon? John Bonham? Phil Lynott? Stevie Ray Vaughn? What about Elvis, Dimebag Darrell, Otis Redding, Bon Scott, John Lennon, Ronnie Van Zant or Janis Joplin? There are tons to pick from, who would you pick?
Also, some interesting things from this day in music.
2005, Blues musician Fats Domino was rescued from New Orleans shortly after Hurricane Katrina hit the city. The 77-year-old singer had been reported missing since the storm in New Orleans which had flooding the city leaving thousands feared dead.
1999, the largest music bootleg bust in US history was made. It was estimated that this one operation alone was responsible for $100 million in lost revenues. Recording equipment valued at $250,000 was confiscated, as were almost 1 million CDs and tapes.
1968, after a two week absence, Ringo Starr rejoined The Beatles. Starr had quit the band when he found out that Paul McCartney had been erasing drum tracks and replacing them with his own. Upon Ringo's return to the studio, he found his drum kit covered with flowers to welcome him back.
1965, a Rolling Stones gig in Dublin, Ireland ended in a riot after 30 fans jumped onto the stage. Jagger was knocked to the floor as the rest of the band fled the stage.
1964, during a US tour The Beatles played two shows at the Indiana State Fair in Indianapolis. They were paid $85,000 for the shows, tickets cost $4.00.
1955, Bill Haley & his Comets turned down a $2,000 offer for a 15-date tour of Australia because of their fear of flying.
September 3rd: Born on this day
1984, Born on this day, Robert Curry, US singer with Day26, also known as a contestant on the TV show Making the Band 4.
1980, Born on this day, Jay 'Cone' McCaslin, Sum 41, (2001 UK No 13 single 'In Too Deep').
1979, Born on this day, Tomislav 'Tomo' Milichevich Sarajevo, lead guitarist, 30 Seconds to Mars.
1973, Born on this day, Jennifer Paige, US singer, (1998 UK No.4 single, 'Crush'.
1973, Born on this day, David Mead, US singer, songwriter. (2001 UK airplay hit ‘Girl On The Roof’).
1962, Born on this day, Lester Noel, Beats International, (1990 UK No.1 single 'Dub Be Good To Me' featuring vocalist former actress in TV's 'Grange Hill', Lindy Layton, produced by Norman Cook).
1957, Born on this day, Suzanne Freitag, Propaganda, (1985 UK No.21 single 'Duel').
1952, Born on this day, Leroy Smith, Sweet Sensation, (1974 UK No.1 single with 'Sad Sweet Dreamer').
1948, Born on this day, Donald Brewer, Grand Funk Railroad, (1974 US No.1 single 'The Locomotion'). Most successful US Heavy Metal band of the 70's selling over 20m albums.
1947, Born on this day, Eric Bell, Thin Lizzy, (1973 UK No.6 single 'Whisky In The Jar').
1945, Born on this day, George Biondo, Steppenwolf, (1969 UK No.30 single 'Born To Be Wild').
1944, Born on this day, Gary Leeds, The Walker Brothers, (1966 UK No.1 & US No.13 single 'The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore').
1942, Born on this day, Al Jardine, The Beach Boys, (1966 UK & US No.1 single 'Good Vibrations', plus over 25 other UK Top 40 singles).
1934, Born on this day, blues guitarist Freddie King. Eric Clapton covered his 'Have You Ever Loved A Woman' on the 'Layla' album. Died on 27th December 1976 of heart trouble and Ulcers aged 42.
September 3rd: I knew the bride
2007, during a US tour with Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance singer Gerard Way married Mindless Self Indulgence bassist Lyn Z after a gig in Colorado.
Don't get dead
Also, some interesting things from this day in music.
2005, Blues musician Fats Domino was rescued from New Orleans shortly after Hurricane Katrina hit the city. The 77-year-old singer had been reported missing since the storm in New Orleans which had flooding the city leaving thousands feared dead.
1999, the largest music bootleg bust in US history was made. It was estimated that this one operation alone was responsible for $100 million in lost revenues. Recording equipment valued at $250,000 was confiscated, as were almost 1 million CDs and tapes.
1968, after a two week absence, Ringo Starr rejoined The Beatles. Starr had quit the band when he found out that Paul McCartney had been erasing drum tracks and replacing them with his own. Upon Ringo's return to the studio, he found his drum kit covered with flowers to welcome him back.
1965, a Rolling Stones gig in Dublin, Ireland ended in a riot after 30 fans jumped onto the stage. Jagger was knocked to the floor as the rest of the band fled the stage.
1964, during a US tour The Beatles played two shows at the Indiana State Fair in Indianapolis. They were paid $85,000 for the shows, tickets cost $4.00.
1955, Bill Haley & his Comets turned down a $2,000 offer for a 15-date tour of Australia because of their fear of flying.
September 3rd: Born on this day
1984, Born on this day, Robert Curry, US singer with Day26, also known as a contestant on the TV show Making the Band 4.
1980, Born on this day, Jay 'Cone' McCaslin, Sum 41, (2001 UK No 13 single 'In Too Deep').
1979, Born on this day, Tomislav 'Tomo' Milichevich Sarajevo, lead guitarist, 30 Seconds to Mars.
1973, Born on this day, Jennifer Paige, US singer, (1998 UK No.4 single, 'Crush'.
1973, Born on this day, David Mead, US singer, songwriter. (2001 UK airplay hit ‘Girl On The Roof’).
1962, Born on this day, Lester Noel, Beats International, (1990 UK No.1 single 'Dub Be Good To Me' featuring vocalist former actress in TV's 'Grange Hill', Lindy Layton, produced by Norman Cook).
1957, Born on this day, Suzanne Freitag, Propaganda, (1985 UK No.21 single 'Duel').
1952, Born on this day, Leroy Smith, Sweet Sensation, (1974 UK No.1 single with 'Sad Sweet Dreamer').
1948, Born on this day, Donald Brewer, Grand Funk Railroad, (1974 US No.1 single 'The Locomotion'). Most successful US Heavy Metal band of the 70's selling over 20m albums.
1947, Born on this day, Eric Bell, Thin Lizzy, (1973 UK No.6 single 'Whisky In The Jar').
1945, Born on this day, George Biondo, Steppenwolf, (1969 UK No.30 single 'Born To Be Wild').
1944, Born on this day, Gary Leeds, The Walker Brothers, (1966 UK No.1 & US No.13 single 'The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore').
1942, Born on this day, Al Jardine, The Beach Boys, (1966 UK & US No.1 single 'Good Vibrations', plus over 25 other UK Top 40 singles).
1934, Born on this day, blues guitarist Freddie King. Eric Clapton covered his 'Have You Ever Loved A Woman' on the 'Layla' album. Died on 27th December 1976 of heart trouble and Ulcers aged 42.
September 3rd: I knew the bride
2007, during a US tour with Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance singer Gerard Way married Mindless Self Indulgence bassist Lyn Z after a gig in Colorado.
Don't get dead
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Just something that struck me as funny
In my building we have a receptionist named Dusti, nice girl nothing bad to say about her. But today she was either out of the office or running an errand or something and was not at her desk. In her place there was a considerably older white haired lady. But she had Dusti's nameplate on the desk. I just thought it was funny to see this older woman sitting at a desk being referred to as Dusti (dusty).
When I saw her, I thought of the "your momma is so old she farts dust" slam. And it just struck me as funny.
Don't get dead
When I saw her, I thought of the "your momma is so old she farts dust" slam. And it just struck me as funny.
Don't get dead
Zobmondo Question for 9/2/08
Would you rather
choose to see your future (without being able to change it)
-OR-
know everyone else's future and not be able to tell them?
Don't get dead
choose to see your future (without being able to change it)
-OR-
know everyone else's future and not be able to tell them?
Don't get dead
Monday, September 01, 2008
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