Chick Magnet

You know how some guys always have women around them? And how some guys meet women everywhere they go? And how some guys seem like they can’t get women to leave them alone? Well I am one of those guys. Yep, I am a chick magnet. Except that they are all crazy! Okay, maybe not ALL of them are crazy but a lot of them for sure.

Maybe I should change the name of this post to “Crazy Magnet” because it’s not just women. But for the most part it is.

I don’t know what it is but there must be some pheromone that I release that attracts wackos. Like the other day, I was leaving a parking lot with my ticket and money in hand. I hand the ticket to the lady in the little booth, she tells me how much I owe her for parking, I give her some money and as I am waiting for my change she says, “Can I ask you a question?” while she is tugging on her shirt. So I am thinking hell yeah, I am about to get to see some boobs so I say “sure” and she proceeds to ask me a thousand questions about why some dude earlier in the day would bitch her out about having to pay to park. And she goes on and on about how security at the place wouldn’t help her and she didn’t know if she should call the police and on and on. All the while I am holding my hand out waiting for my change. After telling her “I dunno” about 733,232,883,382 times I look in the rearview mirror and see a line of cars waiting to get out of the parking lot behind me. I am trying to be nice because people because if I am an a-hole to everyone all the time someone is going to gut me. Finally I just wish her good luck and say that I am holding up the other people wanting to get out and that I should go. I started to tell her to just keep the damn change and drive off but she hadn’t let the arm thing up so that I could drive off yet.

Then there was this girl that I used to hang out with some, she held the crazy crown. To give you a little background, I like to cook and I was talking to her at work one day about making something that needed flour but I didn’t have any and I wasn’t going to the grocery store just to pick up flour, because I am lazy like that. Well I went to the bar after work and came home to my apartment, in a very large complex, to find a nice bag of white powder on my door knob. Do you have any idea what a big Ziploc bag of white powder looks like? Yeah, it looks like I got friends in Columbia. WTF was she thinking?! Like I need problems with the cops. And then one time she was calling me to see what I was doing and I told her some BS excuse and that I was about to head out the door. A couple of minutes later she called back and I told her I was leaving very soon. A third call later I decided that I wasn’t going to answer it and let my voicemail get it. Want to take a guess who it was? Yeah, she was calling me from the parking lot of my apartments. That’s the day I got caller id! But the icing had to be the day that she was telling me that she had to take pills to go to sleep. Okay, that happens to lots of people. Then she told me that she had to take pills to wake up in the morning….. yeah, I had to distance myself from that one.

One night I am hanging out in a pool hall/bar with a buddy of mine and I started chatting with our waitress in an effort to try to get good service. Hey look kissing up = good service and I don’t want to wait a half hour for a beer I ordered. So I say to the waitress “Aww, your dimple is cute” because it looked like she had one dimple on her cheek. She replied to me with, “It’s a scar.” Ok, point taken, don’t talk about it. So I give her a nice tip and she is on her way. Not two minutes later she comes back to the pool table we were on and says “I got into a fist fight with my boy friend and he hit me in the face with a rose bush”. Let’s examine this statement for a minute. You said boyfriend, not ex-boyfriend, which means your retarded ass is still with him. And you said a rose BUSH? Not a rose, but the whole damn plant? And it was fist fight? Dayum! That’s a nutty broad if ever there was one. But she kept coming back to me to tell me more and more about it. I couldn’t get her to stop! She was like the wikipedia of domestic violence.

And then there was the late night visitor.

While in college I used to work at a bar, one night this chick came in and was drunk off her ass, shocking I know. We started talking and she asked me what time I got off work. I told her not until after closing. She gives me her number and tells me that I should call her if I want certain favors but that it would have to be that night because her kids where home already asleep and the next day was visitation day at the prison that her husband was in. Well give me the phone! That’s sarcasm people.

But there are tons of people who come up to me and just start to tell me crazy shit.

Once in my younger days and while riding around with this girl at the beach she yells, “STOP!” not knowing why I did. She jumps out of the car, runs over to this other car and beats the shit out of this girl in another car, runs back to my car and says, “Okay, let’s go to the hotel”. How about F-You honey. I am not going to be an accomplice to your nutty ass.

But possibly the best was while living in Tampa. I was new to the area made friends with some people who I THOUGHT where normal. They kept telling me about this girl that they thought would be perfect for me. They tell me that they want to give her my number and I didn’t care if they did. The next day I get a call from this girl and we are chatting and things seem normal when the phone call gets interrupted with this recording that says something like this call is coming from a state correctional facility and is subject to monitoring. Do what?! Come to find out she was in the looney bin because she liked to cut herself. She said it felt good.

Oh and this one girl said that she wanted to die to see what it felt like, but I shouldn’t worry because the paramedics would bring her back.

Another girl walked up to me in downtown D.C. and said that she would pay me $5k to go kill her boyfriend. I had never seen this girl before in my life. She was talking to me like we had known each other forever.

A girl I used to date was telling me how she was possessed and the very detailed story that came with it. Let me clarify this, she told me it then we broke up! She also used to put mayo in her hair and layout in the sun because somebody told her it would make her hair blond or was good for it or something. She also used to “attempt suicide” for attention.

Then there was the girl who was with a group of friends at Applebee’s one night and thought that the Jackalopes where real animals. Same girl went to the bathroom but came right back because she didn’t have change. Apparently she saw a wooden sign that had “Pay Toilet 5 cents” painted on it. She saw it on the back wall of the stall. You see she thought you had to pay to get out. Okay, maybe that’s more dumbass than crazy, but it’s very close!

The list goes on and on. Crazy homeless people-o-plenty!

And it’s not just women. So dude wanted me to help him jumpstart his car one day, it was flooding. No, you see water and electricity are not friends.

Don’t get dead

Slow your roll!

I don’t know if this is genius or sad but with the energy drink epidemic someone has come out with a “relaxation” drink, yeah the anti energy drinks. Its catchy little name is “drank”.

So knowing how stupid most of our society is, will this be the new “thing” or is it the new Pepsi Clear/New Coke? I can see legions of morons drinking this to be cool. And where do most people want to be seen? In their cool cars. Yeah, think the developers thought this one out? Let’s see, a drink that makes you sleepy that you can pick up in a gas station for a long night of cruising. Someone was overflowing with foresight eh. Sure, let’s get behind the wheel and go to sleep.

I don’t know a hell of a lot of about the energy drinks other than from what I hear they taste like what I would guess a menstruating skunk’s ass would taste like. So what does this marvel of modern creation taste like? I am guessing that it is grape flavored because the whole damn thing is purple.

But wouldn’t it just make more sense to not drink something with caffeine or sugar in it if you needed to relax? Here’s a nutty idea, drink water or some booze (not while driving kiddos) or milk or something, just not a soda or coffee. Hell, don’t drink anything unless you are really thirsty. But do you really need to drink something to relax? That just doesn’t make sense to me. Won’t you just get tired on your own? And if you did drink this tallboy sized can of crap, I mean “relaxation” drink, wouldn’t you have to wake up to pee? Defeats the purpose of drinking this to relax if you are going to have to get up to make your bladder gladder?

And after checking out the website I see that they are a publicly traded company. I may have to look into investing in these guys because you know what they say about a fool and their money. Because there are dumbasses everywhere and they will probably buy this crap by the case. I just don’t understand…

Don’t get dead

I am a complete shit head

But when my most recent child was born I got a real set of scrubs to wear during the surgery, not the paper ones that they give to most dads and I got to keep them. Since we spent a lot of time in the hospital recently I decided that I would have some fun. My wife’s room wasn’t far from the labor and delivery family waiting room. Every now and then I would stroll by and see if anyone was waiting in there and when there where people waiting I would make my way back to my wife’s room. There I would change into the scrubs (surgical mask and all) and then run by the waiting room screaming into my cell phone “SHE’S CODING!! SHE’S CODING!! I’M ON MY WAY TO THE O.R. NOW” and then dart down a hall way.

There is a special place in hell for people like me.

Don’t get dead

**Disclaimer - this blog is meant for entertainment purposes only and should not be tried by anyone**

That should keep me from getting sued!

If I won the lottery

If I ever won the lottery and was being interviewed on TV, when the reporter asks me what I plan to do with the money I am going to tell him that I am about to go buy enough coke to kill a horse. That way I will always have police protection anywhere I go!

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - The Whole Plunging Neckline on a XXXL Spaghetti Strap Tank Top Thing?

Dear Sweezey,

On Monday I was returning to Florida from Chicago. I am at the airport. It is 35 degrees outside and 3 inches of snow in April. It is windy and cold.

I am looking at a very overweight hispanic girl, maybe in her mid-twenties with a black tank top on. She has her hair done up like pom-poms on the top of her head. Her black jeans are way too tight and her waistband is folded over, under her gut. This is a very tight tank top. With a very plunging neckline. This very tight tank top has spaghetti straps. All I see is sweaty, untanned flesh and an amazingly large gap where the cleavage should be. Her boobs are spread apart and sagging, unsupported, braless and resting upon her rolls. I cannot quite distinguish where her boobs and her rolls are supposed to be separated. They are all flabby and resting upon themselves.

The fact she's out like this in 35 degrees is one thing, but out in public dressed like this is another. All this in itself is a little curious.

But she also has a pink bra strap sticking out off her shoulder, like, perpindicular to her arm. Obviously not supporting anything that should have been supported since she was eight years old. "Gross," I said out loud to nobody listening, "At least go fix that strap."

My plane is delayed and for an hour, and the heifer in the black tank top does not fix her bra strap. She doesn't fix her bra strap!

We board the plane and lo' n' behold guess who is on my flight and guess who cannot walk down the aisle without turning sideways? She is so big, she cannot walk straight down the aisle. With her tight ol' black tank top and plunging neckline she is whacking the sides of the poor people in the aisleway...

I can only say that I am glad I did not have an aisle seat. What if I didn't see her coming, and my mouth was open? All I saw were aisle-seated-men with grimaces on their faces as they dodged the oncoming blubber of flesh and boobage.

!WITH THE PINK STRAP STILL STICKING OUT HALFWAY DOWN HER ARM!

Please help me understand why a woman would do this?!

Living on the beach, I've begun to wonder why bikini manufacturers would actually market a flesh colored bikini in a size 14 or larger.

This just reinforces my confusion. Please help me. Gawd, I hope she's not related you.

This isn't something I can blog about on my blog because I only have a readership of 3 and one is my sister and one is my mom. Thanks for following me. It's nice to have someone to turn to.

Sincerely,

Thedadmandiaries

Dear Thedadmandiaries,

Sorry that I am late responding to this, every time I read the description I kept throwing up.

Did you read my post on MILFs? That is exactly what I am talking about. What has happened is that someone, even harder up than she is, told Senioretta Sasquach that she was either hot, sexy, fine, beautiful or whatever and she believed them.

And real quick, hell no she isn’t related to me.

Had to clear that up real quick. Now back to your questions, when you visibly can’t tell where the tits end and the gut begins it is obvious that there is a sever lack of self respect. Anyone who doesn’t respect themselves always has an attitude/perception problem with the rest of society. And if they don’t respect themselves they are not going to respect your senses, vision or any others. $100 says she was loud and smelled too. Plus she probably thought that the bra strap, low neck line and painted on jeans were “sexy”. And she thinks so because at least once in her past someone was nice to her and told her that she was sexy.

I firmly believe that it’s these hard up little F’ers who are fully to blame for this. They feed (pun intended) this nasty women what they want to hear and then these half tons of fun start to believe it. I know these dudes want to get laid but people in hell want ice water too. If these dudes would stay out of the chat rooms and gaming message boards and join the rest of normal society the world would be a better place. You see it is circular. Poindexter is on a mission to have sex at least once before he dies that he will tell any woman anything that she wants to her so that she will give him some. And desperation breeds persistency and changes your perception. Sort of like if you were starving a steak from the waffle house would taste fantastic, but if you were just a little hungry it would make you want to barf. Get what I mean? So here the geeks feed the freaks ego enough to cause the freaks to believe what the geeks tell them. If someone told you that you were the best at something and they told you over and over again, you would start to believe them. Look at professional athletes and the egos that they have. Same thing with Mount St Saggy. So now she thinks that she is hot and that she has to have hot girl attitude. A la the bra strap. She was teasing you with her sexiness.

Now onto the flesh colored bikini. It’s simple actually, the bikini makers know that they can charge a premium for the plus size bikini version of a normal bikini and they will get it too. It amazes me how backwards socity is, it is like pulling hens teeth to get the women you want to see nude out of their clothes and you can’t keep the ones you don’t want to see covered up enough.

I fully believe that there should be an exam for lots of things and clothing is one of them. Take bras for example, if you have to pour yourself or perform some sort of coordinated crane dance to get a bra on you should not be allowed to own, wear or borrow a sexy bra or a push up bra. If there is enough of an altitude change that your boobs experience a climate change, sorry no sexy undies for you! Its granny panties and those lunch lady bras from the Sears catalog. And you damn sure better not have a belly button ring!

Same goes for low cut tops, tight pants, and thongs. You should at least have to fill out some sort of form that has to be approved.

Don’t get dead

Sending the wrong message

I have been watching way too much television lately. As I said in my previous blog the wife and I were in the hospital for over a week. Oh what a joy that was, great food, immaculate accommodations and so much to do. If you can’t tell that is sarcasm. So we did just about the only thing that you could do, watch the limited amount of television that there was. We watched anything that was on and late at night when the baby was up, that wasn’t much. After 2 AM you pretty much had cartoons, 24 hour news channels and infomercials.

It was so bad that I even caught myself paying attention to the commercials. At first I was fixated with the AT&T commercials trying to find all of the “bars” in the commercials. Then there were all of the weird Jack-in-the-Box commercials and we couldn’t leave out the Video Professor. I mean this guy teaches you how to either use software or sell stuff on E-bay for FREE!

But the one that stuck out the most to me was those stupid GEICO commercials. You know the ones with the stack of money with the big googely eyes on them. I think that I have seen them all by now. There is the one where the guy is putting up a fence, the one where the guy is on the plane, the one where they are in a video conference and so on. Although I don’t have GEICO for any type of insurance I don’t have anything against them. But if you ask me, their marketing department is really sending the wrong message. I know that the message that they are trying to send is that their insurance is cheaper than others. But the message that I get from these commercials is that their insurance is so bad that people would rather pay more for someone else’s coverage. Why else would all of these people not switch their providers?

The marketing department is up to the plate, here’s the pay off pitch, oh a swing and a miss!

Hey GEICO, you want to show people how much money they can save by switching? Let me help you. Here is your next commercial. Two people are grocery shopping and they are putting things like Ramen Noodles and Hamburger Helper into their carts while talking about how they are really having to budget. Then cut to the next shopping trip and one of the people is loading their cart with steaks. When the other person asks them what happened to budgeting when the first one says, “We switched to GEICO and save more money now.” That would get the point across to me. Oh and GEICO, one other thing, stop with all of the cutesy crap. First it was the gecko and now the stack of cash with eyes on it. You don’t need a mascot, knock it off!

Don’t get dead

MIA

Sorry that I haven’t been around lately. Something has happened to our family.

WE HAD ANOTHER BABY!!

That’s right this little guy joined our family on Sunday 4/5/09



So needless to say, I have been a bit busy.

Not only did my wife’s water break at about 1:20 am last Sunday, when we did get discharged my wife’s c-section incision ripped open. So we went back to the hospital the same day that we were released only to have her doctor tell us to just keep it clean and let it heal on its own (WTF?) and then sent us home. After some discussion at home we decided that we didn’t like that idea. We call and speak to the on-call doc who tells us to come back in the next morning. We do so and long story short we get sent to the wound care center. The wound care center re-admitted my wife to the hospital, but not our new baby.

So get this, there is my wife and I, with our newborn crammed into a room while we are able to get my in-laws to keep an eye on our other two children. I thought we might get to go home that day or maybe the next. Nope, we were in the freaking hospital for four more days. So we have been living out of a duffel bag for over a week and just got home today.

I am freaking tired and not sure what day it is but happy to be home. Other than the gaping wound in my wife’s abdomen, mom and baby are doing well.

And I have so many things that I want to write about.

Don’t get dead

What do you listen to?

I want to update my ipod with some more music. But I am having a hard time thinking what I want to put on it. So I want to hear from you guys. What are your music player must haves?

Give me as much detail as you want, artist, song, album or what ever and as many as you want to list. I just want something different. Old stuff, new stuff, in between stuff, what ever you like, just let me know.

Don’t get dead

Hot Rods and Spring Break in Panama City Beach (long)

Growing up I was friends with a couple of brothers whose father owned a couple of car garages. And they had a huge car barn where we built hot rods and worked on our own cars. The coolest part about building these hot rods was that we got to drive them from time to time. You want to talk about feeling like a bad ass, be in high school and roll up to the school in a blown 23 T-Bucket or a 32 Ford Coupe with a chopped top and suicide doors, shaved door handles and exhaust loud enough to set off ever alarm in the parking lot.

A little before spring break one year, one of the brothers and I was talking about going to Panama City Beach for spring break. Of course moolah was the biggest concern. We were in high school after all. My friend mentioned that his parents were going down and that we could stay with them. This guys parents where cool as hell, what time we came and went was absolutely no concern, knowing his parents they were going to stay in a nice place (bonus). Then he laid the deal maker down on me, if I went we got to take the T-Bucket and the 32. Can we leave now!

Think about it, a young guy with sweet hot rods at the biggest spring break spot, I was in heaven. Spring break couldn’t get there fast enough.

The day of the trip comes and we are both smiling like a couple of rats eating cheese, even though it was a bit cool (probably in the 50’s). In typical fashion we make a quick check to make sure that we have everything before we head out and then go to fill up before we head out. Since these where hand made cars we stopped every now and then just to make sure that they were running fine and so on. At one point my friends dad had decided that the cars where fine and that we didn’t have to stop any more.

There we are heading down the highway being the center of attention to everyone going in both directions. My friend’s parents in the lead in the 32 with my friend and I following in the Bucket. For those of you who might not know what a 23 T-Bucket looks like mash here and if you don’t know what a 32 Ford coupe looks like mash here. Damn we were cool …and cold, but we were cool. Damn it was cold. Very shortly after the trip started we both opted for leather jackets. Not long after that we looked like freaking bank robbers, ski masks, gloves, two jackets, sun glasses and scarves. But we were cool. Shivering like a Chihuahua trying to shit out a peach seed, but we were cool.

Smelling that salt air when we finally got there made it all worth while. The girls in bikinis didn’t hurt either. It was awesome, we were damn near famous. We check in and couldn’t wait to get out and cruise. But we had to play it cool and not geek out. So we went and got something to eat with the parental units and put our plan together. We hopped in the 23 and scoped out the area, made sure to cruise by the beach to make our very loud presence know and so on. That night we decided to cruise the strip and look for tail… I mean see how everyone was doing. It didn’t take us long to realize that this car, which had about the same horsepower as the space shuttle, was not made to cruise in barely moving strip traffic. It was so powerful and geared so low that when we were stopping I had to pull up on the steering wheel to hold the brake pedal down. It didn’t take long to decide that when we were not moving to put it in park. Oh, one thing about that, this car had a slap shifter in it, but was put in backwards on purpose (long story, don’t ask), so instead of park being at the top of the column it was at the bottom. It can be a little confusing. So there we are with the car in park being too cool for everyone around us when traffic finally starts to move, I put the car in what I thought was drive but apparently it was reverse. I figured this out when I pushed down the gas pedal and we went backwards. You know that saying “frozen in fear”, that was the girl behind us in the little Honda Civic that we damn near plowed into. Fortunately I was able to stop the car from changing the aerodynamics of her Civic. I get it in drive and off we go, in the right direction this time.

Ironically I had just told my friend that I bet that car would cause a wreck that week because of people not paying attention, I know, I am good!

After cruising for a bit we needed some petrol and pulled into a gas station. Just as an FYI, if you accidentally put diesel into a blown 23 T-Bucket because you were looking at chicks, when the diesel gets to the cylinders and ignites it will shoot a big ass flame out of the blower. So we had to call the dad and he had to get a bucket from the maintenance guy at the condos so that we could drain the 8 gallons of diesel that some brainchild put into this car. Even as we were sitting there with draining the diesel out we were still cool. After making us feel like complete dumbasses his dad went back to the condo and we went back to cruising the strip for a bit. Remember how I was telling you about how powerful this car was and how it was not built for all of the cruising, well there is another reason this is true. The engine on this car gets hot, damn hot. It didn’t take us long to realize that we needed to get some air blowing over the radiator or we were going to have a problem. So we pull off of the strip to go hit some of the back roads for a bit. No sooner had we pulled off had I decided that to get air blowing on the radiator that we had to get moving so I punched it. If you looked at the pictures in the links above you realize that there isn’t much to this car, so the simple math of light weight car + extremely strong motor + dumbass standing on the gas pedal = the front wheels launching off the ground and two idiots screaming (literally) down a side road while doing a wheelie in a car. Thankfully my cat like reflexes told me to get off the gas pretty quickly. After repeating “holy shit” about 50,000 times each we both did a quick “are we dead” check and decided that we survived.

But we still had to get the car cooled off and we didn’t want to wait on it to cool on its own. As we are making our way to one of the back roads so we can haul ass and get the temps down some jackass in a mustang is trying to race us, yeah we smoked his ass and he suddenly decided that he had to turn, pussy. So we get the car cooled off and head back to the strip. After another hour or so of bumper to bumper, barely moving traffic the temps go up again. But this time we were at a prime place to actually pull over and let the car cool off, right in the middle of the strip. We pull off the road right by the beach (nice breeze blowing, I am a smart cookie) and proceed to hang out on the car watching the traffic. It was great, we were getting cat calls and invited to parties like it was going out of style. It was like the girls where coming out of the sand they were everywhere, life was great. A couple of girls pulled over behind us and where chatting with us for a bit when I noticed that there was no more traffic on the road in the direction that we were facing. The last car was right beside where we pulled over and then nothing as far as we could see. It was weird. Right after I noticed that I kept hearing this noise, this sort of winding noise. I checked and the fan on the car wasn’t running, the fuel pump wasn’t running but I could not figure out what this little noise was and it was getting louder. About this time I see a little light flickering in the distance. It was some guy on a scooter and he was hauling ass (for a scooter). As he got closer we could tell that he was not paying attention to the traffic but was looking at us. Then BAM he slammed at full speed into the car that was beside our car. He flew over their car and crashed face first into the back windshield car in front of them. His little red scooter literally broke into pieces. But it was like something from the circus, the guy rockets himself head first into the back glass of this car, lands on his feet does a 360 looking around and then collapses on the street. A complete WTF moment. Out of instinct we start to pick up the pieces of his scooter and someone went to go call the medics. When we realized that this guy was going to probably be ok was the exact same time that we realized that we had been drinking and that we need to bounce! We were out of there, slinging sand all along the way. Sorry, but I am not going to jail because of the human crash test dummy.

Some time later we were back on the strip and happened to be in the area where the human spitwad tried to carpool at 50 MPH when a cop motions us over. F’ing great, we are going to jail and there are so many reasons why: no seat belts; I have no idea if this car is street legal; the tail lights had this blue piece on them that made them light up purple which I heard was illegal; minor intox; no catalytic converter; being loud as fuck; DUI; oh and that hauling ass after that dude went X-games with that scooter. We pull over and shut the car off and I start to go for my wallet when the cop starts to ask me all of these questions, none of which were can I see your licenses. He says that he has seen us around and then proceeds to ask if the blower is really hooked up to which my friend interjected “You damn right it is!” Thanks jackass. So the cop just keeps asking questions like how many horses does it have, what size is the motor, this and that. Which I am sure is going to be used against us in a court of law. And then he ask us if we can fire it up and let him hear it. Sure, why not, if I’m going to the pokey might as well make it a good one right. So I crank the car and the cop says “rev it up” and I give it this little baby rev. The cops says “no man, get on it” and grabs the fucking throttle and opens that bitch up. People all around jumped, car alarms are going off, people are coming out of their hotel rooms to see what was going on. Turns out he is just a gear head too. So now we are playing this to our advantage we got a cop buddy. Man we let him sit in it, rev it like a drunken hells angel, take pictures and anything else he wanted. After about 20 minutes or smoozing with local law enforcement he ask us if it would spin the tires (33 inch Mickey Thompsons) we told him no because there is just too much traction and not enough weight. He doesn’t believe us and says he wants us to get on it to see. So he stops traffic and lets the traffic on the road get a good ways down the road. Then he tells us to “get on it but don’t half ass it”. So we pull out onto the road, I tell my friend to hang on and we punch it again. We pulled the wheels off the ground about two to three feet or so and got off of it long enough for the tires to touch the ground again and kept on keeping on. When we circled back around this cop was waving and giving us a big thumbs up. I just knew we were going to jail. It was getting late and we had enough fun for one night so we decided to head back to the condo.

I don’t know what we did but for some reason my friend’s dad was really happy the next day and let us carry the 32 out that night. We loved that car. It was totally pimp with a TV, cell phone (this was almost 20 years ago) and the most important thing heat/ac.

After the 8,372,623 time we heard “hey, ZZ Top” it started to get a bit annoying and people started seeing the back of our middle fingers. The car was red just like the car on the cover of “Eliminator” but we also realized that it looked like that car, even way back when we made it. So we didn’t need every geek on the strip to remind us. That car was sweet and so much fun to drive and you would be surprised how many girls you can cram into a car like that. After scoring some brew we wanted to head to a place where we wouldn’t get so much attention so we headed to this steak house and parked out back to drink for a bit. One of the kitchen staff guys came out to have a smoke and saw the car, we thought we were busted but he was cool and wanted to check out the car. Then he went and got some of his buddies and they will all kinds of excited and wanted to take pictures with the car and so on. Being the jackass that I am, I told them if they could score me and my friend a couple steak dinners we would let them take all the pictures that they wanted and I will be damned if they didn’t hook us up. Snap away fellas. Even the manager came out to get his picture taken with it. We just wanted to drink beer without getting busted by the cops, like I said we were still in high school.

After the free meal we decided to see just how lucky we were, off to the bars Batman! We roll into the parking lot of one of the biggest clubs on the beach, La Vela, and just ask the door guy if there was a place we could park where no one would mess with the car. The guy moves some cones so that we could park right by the door and he welcomes us in. We realized that something about those cars made door guys forget to id us. Advantage us! And since those were the only two cars we had with us we had to take one of them every time we went somewhere. Not getting carded makes up for all of the other hi-jinks.

Don’t get dead

HDTV

Recently I was talking with some friends who just had their first child a few months back and I was telling the husband how they don’t believe it now but their lives will change. He is one of these gadget guys who goes out and gets damn near every new electronic gadget just as soon as they come out. IPODs, HDTVs, Wii, BluRay, Playstation, X-Box, PSP, you name it. He has everything from the huge ass projector TV to the little bitty hand-held PSP that plays videos, the Iphone and so on. Don’t get me wrong, I love those kinds of things too, but I have kids. Which is what I was telling him, how those things will soon go by the way side. Well they may not go by the wayside but how the importance of them will.

I was telling him how I am just not going to drop tons of cash on an HDTV or Blu-Ray player right now for several reasons. One, the stuff that I let my kids watch don’t come in HD and if they did my kids wouldn’t know the difference or care. Two, I would probably pass out when one of my lovely children drew on my plasma TV screen with a marker or something like that. Three, my son is obsessed with putting crap into every free space that he can find. And four, right now, I would rather take the money that I could spend on a nice state of the art media set up and get the hell out of town for a while, sans youngens.

As our conversation continued I told him how the other day I had to fish some Ritz crackers out of a VCR (see reason three above) when he stopped me and said, “You still have a VCR?” To which I replied, “Dude, did you hear the fishing the Ritz crackers out part? That’s why I don’t have a Blu-Ray player right now. How pissed do you think I would be if I just dropped $700 on a Blu-Ray player (or what ever they cost) just for my son to see if it could play a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” So yeah, I am missing out on all of the joys of high definition right now but my kids are still breathing on their own and CPS hasn’t come to pay us a visit either, so that’s a good thing.

A few days after this conversation I went over to their house to find the husband sitting in the living room, right in front of his HD set up watching re-runs of “The Andy Griffith Show” on broadcast TV. Yeah, HD in black and white is killer!

Don’t get dead

Inventions

Yesterday me and some of the fellas in the office where talking about inventions and whatnot. One of the guys said that most inventions where actually an accident and that the people where trying to invent something else. Like when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he was actually trying to make a hearing aid for his niece. As the conversation carried on I mention that scene from the movie “Cocktail” where they were talking about the guy who invented the little piece of plastic that goes on the end of your shoe strings and how that guy must be set. One of my co-workers and I came to the agreement that Plato is wrong, necessity isn’t the mother of invention laziness is. Think about it, would the car been invented if people didn’t get tired of walking or riding a horse everywhere? And with horses you had to either buy or catch them and then they might die on ya and you have to feed it and so on. F that! Same thing with the remote control, the cordless phone and so on. They were all invented because we got tired of having to get up and do something.

And then yesterday I get home and see an article on how some of most popular toys where created. According to this article, Play-Doh was originally created to clean walls. You would roll it on your walls to remove coal dust. And the slinky was invented by a naval engineer who was trying to invent a spring that would keep his instruments stable in choppy water.

So I got to thinking, what could I try to invent that would become a success or what could I invent by accident that could become a success? But two words kept popping into my head with every idea that I had, home explosion.

Back to the drawing board.

Don’t get dead

ShamWow guy beats up hookers!

This may be the greatest thing that I have come across in a long time. The ShamWow guy, also know as Vince Shlomi, was arrested for smacking a ho around.


Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month for keeping his pimp hand strong in a South Beach hotel room.


Seems that he met Sasha Harris, a hooker, in a Miami night club and paid her a grand for some ass.


Two things kind of bother me about this. One is that ole Vinnie is on TV and has to get hookers to get his rocks off. And two, that he has a grand to blow on a whore.

You can check out the full story at thesmokinggun.com

Adventures of the young and stupid

I have an older brother. For those of you who don’t have an older brother, that means that I had many, many roles growing up. I was a crash test dummy, test pilot, experimentalist, test subject and so on. In other words I was Jim and my brother was Marlin Perkins from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. Ever notice how Jim had to do the crap jobs while Marlin never got out of the helicopter? But I digress. In other words, I was Pinky while my brother was The Brain. In other words, it sucked!

Not only is Attila older than me, he is six years older than me. So yeah, my childhood contained a lot of ducking & weaving, scraps & bruises and a lot of psychological torture. To this day I still can’t sleep with my feet uncovered *shiver*. And this adventure would be more of the same.

When I was just a wee lad of only six years of age I had a hand-me-down Tonka truck, the big yellow dump truck. And it was made of steel, like toys used to be made, so that they lasted. Just like most young boys we made ramps to jump stuff with on our bikes. Any board we could find we would make into a ramp. On this particular day we had a piece of plywood that was maybe two and a half feet by two feet, not a very big piece of wood at all. This was soon to be a launching pad.

As my luck would have it, the only thing we could find to prop up said Evil Knievel approved projectile starter kit was a pair of concrete cinder blocks that just happened to be concreted together. So with the plywood laid on these cinder blocks the ramp is at about a 75 degree angle, nothing dangerous about that right?

Now we got the ramp, we just need something to jump it with. Remember earlier I was talking about a steel Tonka truck and I was talking about my brother being older and remember how I was talking about being the crash test dummy, you doing the math yet?

It was at an early age that I realized that my brother should have a career in politics. You see like every politician, my brother can lie with the best of them. He was pretty convincing this time. He says “hey, why don’t you sit in the bed of the dump truck and I will push you over the ramp.” Yeah, even at six I knew this was a bad idea. I told him that I didn’t want to do that. That’s what I told him, what I was thinking was why don’t you go F yourself! After a few minutes of discussing it, which went something like “do it or I’ll kick your ass and you BETTER not tell Mom”, I decided to give it a try. That is with the promise of he would just push me to the top of the ramp and if I didn’t like it he would not make me jump it. Yeah, I knew what was coming too.

So I go and sit in the bed of this big yellow death trap, staring at my fate. I get the truck lined up at the base of the ramp and say to my brother “Remember you said you would not make me do it if I don’t like it”. No sooner had the words “like it” come out of my mouth and ZOOM! Houston, we are clear for take off. In some sort of freak Herculean effort my 12 year old brother flung me up the ramp launching me skyward.

Right about this time I realized that we were under a pecan tree with low limbs. Mid-flight I am trying to get as low as I can will still gaining altitude, like an airborne limbo contest. One good crack on the head by a tree limb later and I am making my final decent.

Let me paint the picture for you. I was a normal sized 6 year-old and if you remember the bed of those Tonka trucks is about a foot wide. So I am sort of sitting across the bed of this truck, or should I say WAS sitting across the bed of it. When I slammed onto the ground the momentum that my body had decided to fill any space that was available in the bed of the truck, in other words I was stuck in this truck.

Oh yeah, he thought it was hi-freaking-larious. I on the other hand, failed to see the humor in it at the time. To this day he wonders why I don’t trust him. I can’t wait until we get old, payback is going to be hell.

Don’t get dead

The microwave

A few months ago we bought a new microwave, nothing special but it is a nice microwave. It’s a sweet over the cook top one that really gets food good and hot. And it’s got all of these bells and whistles like multiple timers, a light, rotating glass plate thing and so on. But it’s got something that makes me want to beat it with a frying pan. It has this little reminder beep that goes off every so many seconds after you have finished heating up something. THAT NEVER FUCKING QUITS! That is until you either hit “end” or open the microwave door. I am sure that as far as extras on appliances go, this is highly sought after in some houses, just not mine.

So if I am heating up something to eat and say making a drink or getting something out of the pantry it keeps reminding me that you plate full of lip smacking goodness is waiting on me. It’s almost taunting me. Beep, your food is ready stupid. Beep, hey moron, forget about something!? Beep, I didn’t heat this up for nothing you know, come and get it. Beep, it’s ready stupid, you going to eat this or not?

I just don’t see a need for this luxury. It’s not like I am going to forget that I am hungry. I have been eating all of my life, and to be quiet frank about it, I am pretty good at it. And after all of these years not only do I recognize what hunger feels like, I have even figured out a remedy. To freaking eat something. And I may be going out on a limb here, but I can still smell and most foods have an odor to them. Pretty sure that I can figure out that smell that smells like last nights dinner might actually be hot food!

Are there people who are not aware that they are hungry and actually need an audible reminder? That would rule! South Beach could suck it! The “I Forgot to Eat” diet would kick the crap out of it.

So dear wonderful box of stainless still awesomeness please shut up before I stick some Teflon where it doesn’t belong.

Don’t get dead

Let me hear from you again

So I asked the other day if you could go back in time and witness an event what would it be, and I really liked the answers. So today’s question is similar but a little bit different.

If you could go back and change one historic event, what would that be? I know it’s very “Back to the Futrue”ish but so be it.

Obviously for me it would be to keep my mom from getting cancer, but I don’t know that would be seen as “historic” by everyone. Or I could take a different route and say I would like to make it so that I could win the lottery, be a movie star (hey porn counts as movies), or be in the history books/famous in some fashion. But what fun would that be? So in the effort of fairness I have a non-personal answer.

I think I would like to keep Kennedy from getting shot. I would be really interested to see how the country would be different had he not been assassinated. What would happen with our economy then, what about international relations, how would our military be different, would we even still be here?

So what about you guys? What historic event would you change?

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Question about divorce, and kids

Dear Sweezey,

The courts seem to give custody of the kids to the woman most of the time, with the view, that they will be better suited with the mother.
If this is true, why do we have so many screwed up kids over the years?
I mean really, since divorce has become the norm in this country, along with mothers getting the kids, we sure have had alot of bad kids in this country.

- Decisions from the courts

Dear Decisions from the courts,

Ok numb nuts, the courts give custody to the parent who seems to be best suited to take care of the children on a daily basis. The reason the courts seem to side with the mother is because most of you dads are shit heads and aren’t man enough to take care of yourself much less dependent children. You see these children are, as you say, screwed up because of dildos like you. Why don’t you man up and be responsible for your actions? Woah, crazy thought huh. Yeah, why don’t you put away guitar hero and spend time with your children? It’s real easy to blame the mom when you are looking for a reason to blame on why your kids are shitheads as opposed to actually trying to do something about it. Yeah, F it, take the easy road. Isn’t that what your dad taught you?

I got $100 that says you got some guido over styled/gelled hair do and some oversized designer shades and a closet full of Armani Exchange t-shirts. Am I wrong? And after you get divorced I bet you will have an apartment in the coolest part of town, with your leased Mercedes in the parking lot. Once you conceive a child, the adult thing to do is to focus on doing everything in your power to take care of that child in every way possible, NOT to figure out a way to spend more time with your boys so that you don’t have to be bothered by being an adult. Moms aren’t men so they can’t always be both the female and the male role model is a child’s life. The children need to know that their dad is there and that he is worth a damn. If I was ever to get divorced, I would fight tooth and nail for my children and my wife is a great mom. And the mom doesn’t always get the children dipshit. I have a very good friend who has custody of his boys and he takes very good care of them. He even stepped up and is raising one of his ex-wife’s boys who isn’t his. Why? Because it’s what a real man does.

I suggest that you find a way to pull your head out, drop those losers that you hang out with and go find a real man to model yourself after. Go find out where your local cub scouts meet and try to make friends with the scout leader. Trust me EVERYONE will come out better in the long run.

Believe me it’s not the moms who are screwing up children it’s the dads. There are very few single mothers that I have even seen, much less known who have not busted their ass to do everything they can to raises their children the right way. And for the most part, they don’t say anything.

So quiet being a pussy boy and grow a pair.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Let me hear from you

One of my favorite things to do is to ask hypothetical questions just to see how people answer. It’s just something that I find interesting. So with that said, let me hear from you in regards to this question. Leave a comment and if you want you can do it anonymously.

The question for today is

If you could go back in time and witness one historic event in person, what would it be?

Feel free to elaborate on it if you want.

Don’t get dead

***Edit - There are so many to choose from. It would be sweet to be there when early man discovered fire or invented the wheel, or when Ben Franklin discovered electricity, or Paul Reveres famous ride, or possibly to watch the Write Bros first flight, Columbus landing in the new world for the first time, the Mayflower landing on Plymouth Rock, Washington crossing the Delaware, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, maybe to be there when man landed on the moon. Hell, I would like to see what it was like the first time a person ate an oyster.

The thing that I would like to go back in time for the most is to be there when my mom died so that I could talk to her one more time and tell her that I love her one more time.

And if that doesn’t count, I guess I would like to be there the first time someone light a fart, that would be hilarious!

Deep Thoughts

Have you ever wondered if your mom kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blow job?

Do you think that everyone who tries on a bathing suit really wears underwear when they try it on?

Sometimes I think that dogs are retarded for continuously wanting to smell asses.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them you will be a mile away and will have their shoes.

Have you ever wondered how your girlfriend got to be so good in bed?

Sometimes I think that I will go out and do random acts of kindness for my fellow man. Then I think fuck him, I got bills to pay.

There is always one weirdo on a bus, look around. If you can't find him, it's you.

Is anyone really fooled by calling “AA”, “Al Anon”?

I like to play a little game in my mind when I watch children play. It's called "Whose Going to be the Convict"

My grandfather once told me that the difference between a good man and a great man is a couple of consonants and a couple of vowels, but he was batshit crazy so what does he know.

If you play country music backwards do you get the wife, dog and farm back?

Is beauty still in the eye if the beholder is blind?

Do cannibals think that clowns taste funny?

Don’t get dead

86 Rules of boozing

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

Dear Sweezey - Why chivalry is dead

Dear Sweezey,

So this woman in a store is frantic because she lost her billfold, so I went to find the manger while she continued to look around. It had been turned in up front and I pointed her out to the manager. No big deal. I only took a moment out of my day to do the right thing and without me she would have gotten it back anyway. But then she brushed right past me without a word, then later nearly ran me over in the parking lot. So she was in a hurry. Aren't we all? I have no sense of entitlement, but geeze, not even a thank you. The luxury sports car with vanity plates and the fact that her ass is as wide as my kitchen table may be an indication of what she is, hmm?

- Paula


Dear Paula,

Chivalry is defined as the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.

And you say that you “have no sense of entitlement”. Entitlement is defined as the act of entitling. To save you some time, entitling means to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim.

Now you claim that you have no sense of entitlement yet you felt compelled to write and bitch about some other dame not bowing down to kiss your ass when even you yourself said that she would have gotten her billfold back anyway. And then you go on to belittle this woman. What a bitch.

Even think that maybe she was “frantic” because she had been looking for her billfold for so long that it made her late to pick up her 9 year old son from soccer practice and that there would be no one there to stay with her son and that the little boy and that there was a child molesting maniac who likes to hang out by the soccer fields? Yeah, how dare she want to keep that poor 9 year old little boy safe and sound instead of bending over backwards to tell you what a fantastic person you are for doing next to nothing.

So tell me what does a luxury sports car, vanity plates and as you say an ass as wide as your kitchen table indicate? It sounds to me like it indicates that she has some money. Is that what pisses you off? That her life is good and that yours sucks and that you are pissed off because of all of the bad choices you have and continue to make? Since I am a gambling man, I am willing to bet that she is MUCH more attractive than you are and that is the reason that you feel the need to lash out and the only think you can, her ass. And I will double up my bet that the only person who thinks that she almost ran you over in the parking lot is you.

You need meds, seriously, you know happy pills.

So if chivalry is dead you are an accomplice to murder.

- Sweezey

Email for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey Prostitution/Dating

Dear Sweezey,

I see a Women I think she is sexy,attractive etc: as a single man I ask her out knowing I want to have Sex with her 7 she knows she wants the same. So we go to dinner,movies etc: I might spend hundreds of dollars before we have sex & I might not all women are different in that way but they to want the sex...............................I see a Pic & info on a web site of a attractive sexy women up front I know for $100 I can have sex immediatly is there really that much difference ...........between the women I have to spend money on or the women I just give it to! Just a thought??

- Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

The difference is that the hookers you are looking at online will do anyone or anything with the cash. And the girls who you take to dinner and so on won’t have sex with a illiterate moron like yourself in fear that one of your retarded super sperm actually reaching their egg.

I hope that they talk you into taking them to the best places in town and that they are some how able to keep stringing you along long enough to spend every penny you have on them.

Maybe if you took the time and effort that you are spending on trying to get laid and focused it on making a better person out of yourself your luck might change. Apparently you are not graced with rugged good lucks or personality, at all, in the very least.

Try letting the big head do the thinking for a while, we got more than enough idiots in this world already.

- Sweezey

Email me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Even more things that I wonder about

• Do you think that John Wayne Bobbit goes around half cocked?

• Do rabbits dream about being chased by dogs?

• Why don’t the women on the reality TV show “Survivor” ever have hairy arm pits or legs when they are supposed to be stranded on this island for weeks at a time?

• Why don’t buses have seat belts?

• Is there such a thing as slow sand?

• If clouds are moisture and moisture is water and if air is lighter than water, how do clouds stay up in the sky?

• Do muu muus come in different sizes, and if so why?

• Shouldn’t a tooth brush be called a teeth brush?

• If heat rises, why are the upper atmospheres cold?

• Why is there no extra medium size?

• If you can be both overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

• If baseball is the great American pastime, what is the lesser American pastime.

• A stitch in time saves nine what?

• Why are flowers so hard to keep alive and weeds so hard to kill? Wouldn’t it be easier if it was the other way around?

Don’t get dead

To set the record straight

Women, this is for you. And while I can appreciate and admire confidence in a woman, just because you squatted out a kid does NOT instantly make you a milf. I have seen blogs where women consider themselves to be hot and call themselves milfs. While some one dude will F you, don’t mean that most men would. Just means that you found someone more hard up for sex than you.

So while “technically” you could be considered a milf by one dude, don’t go out and sell yourself as one. You are making yourself look idiotic and ruining the good reputation of the true milf.

Same thing for you old chicks who think you are a cougar. If you don’t have a large number of average or above looking guys (societies standards on looks, not yours) hitting you on, you are not a milf or a cougar or whatever.

And to touch base on something that I wrote about a while back, low cut tops aren’t for everyone. If you got big boobs, that’s great. But if your boobs get caught in your belt, I don’t want to see them. I damn sure don’t want to see them if they have stretch marks on them. Just remember that some of us may have just eaten.

While we are on the low cut tops thing, if you do wear a low cut top you damn sure better not get pissed if you catch some dude looking at your boobs. If he was there with his dork out he would expect you to look. And you didn’t wear that shirt so that you wouldn’t get seen. We both know that you wore it on purpose, ease up and let them look.

Now if you do have a nice body and want to show it off that’s great. But if you had any sort of surgery to get said body (which I got no problem with at all!!) don’t give health/food advice to anyone. Pot meet kettle if you know where I am coming from.

Again, love confidence hate ignorance. Learn the difference.

Oh and if you are fat, work with what you got. I know that “fashion experts” say that black makes you look slimmer but it does not make you look slim. There is only so much that a color can do for you. If you are a big girl and you dress in all black all the time you don’t look slim, you look like night time.

Don’t get dead

Missed the mark on this one

Just like everyone else we are trying to save money where we can. So we decided to try these energy efficient light bulbs in our house where we had a couple of burned out bulbs. You know the lights that I am talking about, they have the little, white, squiggly tube in them, in our case it was incased in a flood light casing.

The idea behind them is that they use less electricity, pretty simple concept to follow. But what they don’t tell you about is how they take forever to light up. I know it’s a crazy idea but I really have gotten used to being able to flip a switch and the light actually coming on.

So the savings in per hour that these bulbs are going to save me is really costing me more money because instead of being able to flip on the lights in my kitchen, look in the pantry and find what I want, I have to flip on the lights switch and then come back in an hour when there is actually light. Let’s see, save 3 cents an hour on these ridiculously high priced light bulbs but have it actually have to be on for an hour to be able to see OR flip a switch get what I need and go at 3 cents more per hour.

So I pay more for the light bulbs and have to have them on longer so that I can actually see? Screw the environment, it is about to put me in the poor house!

Oh and this is my 300th post, go me!

Don’t get dead

Milk bath

A woman is talking to some of her girlfriends when she ask one of them how she gets her skin so soft, the friend says that once a week she takes a bath in milk.

Figuring what did she have to lose the woman leaves a note for the milkman that she needs 15 gallons of milk the next day. Thinking that she meant 1.5 gallons the milkman leaves her a gallon and a half.

The next day the lady sees the gallon and a half and decides to tell the milkman what she wants so that there are no misunderstandings.

When she sees the milk man coming down the street she goes out to speak with him. As he is approaching her door she asks him, "hey, what happened, I left you a note that says I wanted 15 gallons of milk and you left me a gallon and a half?" The milkman explains that he misunderstood and says that he will make sure that she gets 15 gallons the next day. But then ask the lady why does she need so much milk. The lady tells him that she wants to bath in it. So the milkman asks, "Do you want it pasteurised?" to which the lady replied "Nah, just up to the top of my boobs"

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - My standards must be SO high

Dear Sweezey,

Maybe tabloid media has skewed my reality, but some of these guys who think they are hot... just aren't. I can't believe some of you. Granted I see no problem with a couple extra pounds from too many nights out with the fellas drinking beer, but anything more than 10-15 pounds overweight there is just no excuse for unless it's something glandular.
I know I'm gonna get a lot of hate responses to this but seriously fellas... Put some effort into your appearance, get to the gym a couple days a week, actually look to see if the clothes you put on your back look well put-together or not, do something with your hair, & maintain good hygiene PLEASE!

Some of you look like you haven't done anything in weeks but play Halo and mainline big macs, yet you expect women who are attractive and take care of themselves to wanna hit it? Think again, Pal!

If you want a female that is on my level looks-wise, then you gotta be on my level looks wise too.

And spare me the reply rants of how narcissistic I am to judge based on looks. I don't think it's too much to ask with all the people in the world out there that a guy I take interest in be both stellar looks wise and personality wise.

- Seriously

Dear Thinks Entirely Way Too Much of Herself, I mean Seriously,

First off, you’re an idiot. Why did you e-mail me? Nowhere in your diatribe of bitterness did you ask for advice on anything. Is it that you just want to bitch because you are so unhappy with yourself and your life?

You lost all credibility when you said “tabloid media”. You Britney Spears loving, sweating what Paris Hilton is doing, Lindsey Lohan following twit I noticed that you failed to include a photo of yourself so that the world could be enlightened with by your beauty. I got a feeling that you look like what a vulture threw up.

So you are ok with 10 - 15 pounds? Why not 16 pounds? For some reason that’s just gross? How many extra tons are you hauling around in those Venezia jeans? Did you set 10 - 15 pounds as an acceptable amount because you have convinced yourself that you can get down to 10 - 15 pounds overweight with no problems?

Moving on, when you are not busy butchering modern grammar and English using words like “wanna” and “gotta” as opposed to “want to” and “got to” what are you doing to know what guys who play Halo and mainline Big Macs look like? Ever hear the phrase that you can smell your own kind? *sniff sniff*

The funny thing is you come off as wanting a man who is so built and handsome and perfect in everyway. But we all know that you would be on your knees polishing the most grotesquely fat/ugly man’s knob if he had enough in the bank. And you would do it with a big smile on your face. And you would go from being a bitch to being a whore, either way it suits you.

You see the guys who are hitting on you are on your level, but it’s your social level. So if you want guys who are on your levels looks-wise as you say, why don’t you move up levels tact-wise? Trust me you have lots of room for movement. A little decorum goes a long way.

Oh and I don’t think that you are narcissistic, I think that you are a dumb ass. Remember, bitch only comes in one flavor and it’s you. Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - I want to sell my kidneys!!!!

Dear Sweezey,

I want to sell my kidneys. Can I get money for one of my kidneys?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’ll give you a dollar for one or $20 for the set, but only if you take them out yourself.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweeezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - hmmmm..

Dear Sweezey,

How is it that you can give a 16 paragraph dissertation on Dora the Explorer and a 2 sentence answer to the poor "porn" girl.....?

Just Curious!

Dear Just Curious!

There are many many reasons. You see "porn" girl never really asked me a question so I was trying to help her out as best I could with the limited information that I had. How was I to give specific answers to a general statement? I would have to examine every single piece of it. Might even have to bring some of it back to examine it more closely, it is my reputation that is on the line here.

And to really help, I would have to better know what he was looking at. I mean she did say that she was pretty, I have to verify this. What if she is oblivious to the fact that she looks like hell on toast? That would explain it all right there. Or what if he was looking at shit like midgets? That would mean that he is a freaky little fucker and she's not weird enough for him. You see it could be something on either side of the relationship. She might look like a troll’s turd or he might really be into some fetish stuff. Who knows?

Oh and even if you count the "Don't get dead" tag line as a paragraph it's only a 13 paragraph dissertation smart ass. Learn to count. But keep those e-mails coming!

- Sweezey

Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.

Don't get dead

It is all our fault and apparently nobody is immune.

My wife’s car has one of those rear entertainment centers. We thought it would be nice to have since when we bought it we knew we would take it on family trips and the bulk of the driving with the kids.

After a while the kids got used to the DVDs we had in the car and if they were good we told them that we would get them a new DVD. They really thought they were top dogs when they got a new DVD, so we started to use that as a reward system. Then one day I was noticing that the kids would laugh during the DVD when it sounded like nothing was happening. Then it hit me, we never actually watched the DVDs. For all we knew it could be some of the most graphic and vulgar things known to man as the video with a nice kids show audio track and we would not have known the difference.

So I have decided that maybe I should start to pay a little more attention to the things my kids watch, and most definitely the programming that I put on for them.

Take tonight for example. I was doing some work while my children where up in the play room and they where watching the ever popular kids show “Dora the Explorer”. I thought to myself “this is this is on Noggin, it’s part of the Nickelodeon family of channels, it’s got to be safe”, but I was wrong. It was filled with all kinds of insane things that seemed cute and maybe even harmless on the surface.

For those of you who don’t know, Dora is this little Hispanic girl with a football shaped head. And that’s about the most sane thing about this show. Dora has a talking monkey that wears shoes as her friend. In the episode tonight, Dora was talking with her grandmother and her grandmother was telling her about making some chocolate treat. And she told Dora that the chocolate grew on a tree and that this tree was her friend and that the tree gave her hugs when she was sad. WTF?!?! And this tree sings with her, yeah the tree sings.

So Dora decides that she is going to go find said singing tree, but she has to check her map to find out how to get there. But for some reason she can’t check the map, you have to check the map and tell her how to get there. Oh and the map talks. Anyone else think that the creators of this show are constantly on an acid trip? Well the map says that to get to this magical chocolate tree that you need to go through the jungle and then to a cave. Say what?!?!

While un-chaperoned laces out and her talking monkey are in the jungle she comes up to a toucan who tells her that there are snapping turtles, snakes and a crocodile in the jungle and that these animals wont let her pass unless she feeds them cookies. Let’s think about this shall we, teaching kids to hand feed wild and dangerous animals. Yeah, I can see why this show is wildly popular.

So maybe feeding turtles isn’t a big deal. And the snakes, while not a bright idea still could be done with some distance and you might be safe. But a fucking crocodile!! Come on.

Then after jungle it’s off to the cave, but not just any cave, oh no no no, it’s a fucking bear cave. Sure, let’s teach our children to go to bear caves. Makes perfect sense to me! The monkey asked what happens if they meet the bear and Dora advised him that they “would have to be very careful”, ya think? Then the monkey and ole football head meet up with a talking iguana, sure it happens all the time. But the iguana tells them that they just have to sing to the bear to put it to sleep. I know that is what they tell you to do in wilderness survival school, to sing and to do so loudly! You know, draw lots of attention to yourself. And they where wondering where the bear was when they got to its cave, almost like they were disappointed because the bear wasn’t there. Of course the bear comes while they are at the cave and they sing it to sleep… yeah.

One of the other episodes had a water skiing bull. In the same show the talking map sent extra point head along with the pronouncing primate to “Pirate Island” where they had to sing and dance for trees so that the trees would let them by. Who sends a kid, even with a monkey to any place called “Pirate Island”?

Oh and don’t forget about the talking backpack and the stealing (and talking, apparently everything talks in this show) fox.

No wonder that the younger generations are fucking stupid. Look at what is (was in our case) entertaining them. Just remember that these are the people who are going to be taking care of us when we get old. You know, WE ARE SCREWED!

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Porn

Dear Sweezey,

my boyfriend of 4 years gets high and spends several hours a week looking at nude pics of women and porn...and he has a massive collection of pics and videos from the internet...i'm a pretty woman and we have a great sex life... it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like i can never measure up.


curious cindy


Dear Curious Cindy,

You say he has a massive collection huh... hmm, not sure that I can help without examining his collection. I may have to come over and examine it to be able to properly advise you.

- Sweezey


Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - No Loving

Dear Sweezey,

My wife of 20 years tells me she no longer has any interest in sex, but that she will "do it" occasionally to meet my needs.

Before that, sex has gone from several times a week to about once a month... not my choice, but daily headaches, backaches, just b4 bed arguments, etc., are becoming the norm

What am I to do with this new information???

- Lost Love

Dear Lost Love,

You said it all when you said you’re married. Deal with it bro.

And you are a grown man, stop this b4 bullshit. Spell it out. Come on, you can do it!

- Sweezey

Don't get dead

Looking Back - Chapter 16

Before I get into this blog, I want everyone to understand that I have a VERY big soft spot in my heart for the handicapped, senior citizens, children and animals. I am by no way making fun of any of them, just telling a story that happened to me and making fun of myself.

As I may or may not have mentioned in the past, I have had a variety of jobs when I was younger. Dish washer, utility worker, lawn maintenance, peanut mill production line worker, banker, candle stick maker, Indian chief and so on.

One of those jobs that I had was a fill-in driver for a food service company, meals on wheels if you will. Most of our clients were senior citizen centers. Places where the able bodied senior members of society would gather Monday thru Friday. Usually they would play bingo and stuff like that. But in an effort to keep our business profitable we also took clients for day care centers & mental health facilities.

One this particular day I was working with a co-worker named Hector. Hector was teaching me the route, who gets what, how to load the truck in the order of the stops and so on. I liked Hector, he was cool, he had a great personality, liked jazz and loved women. We got a long well.

During the route Hector told me that we had a new client and that he was going to show me how to do an initial set up. When we get there I can see that it’s not a senior citizen center and I could see kids walking around, so I thought it was a day care. I was wrong.

Hector parks the truck and tells me to start unloading the stuff and that he was going to go in and find out where everything went and he would come back and get me. So I get everything off the truck and loaded onto a dolly. One thing that I didn’t mention is that it was August, which meant that it was as hot and muggy as Satan’s balls. After a couple of minutes I thought to myself, “screw this” and wheeled the stuff inside. Now I am standing in the very nice and cool air conditioned foyer of this school when I see this kid sitting on the floor and he starts to row a boat across the floor, but he isn’t in a boat. He is doing motions like he is rowing a boat and just scooting on his ass backwards across the floor. Ooookkkkaaay. As I am watching him row, I see another kid sitting on the floor leaning against wall. This young man is wearing a football helmet and has oven mitts duct taped to his wrist. I thought to myself, “Cool, they are at recess or playing a game”. I was wrong again. BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! HOLY SHIT!!! He just starts slamming his head against the wall, HARD! And then tries to unfasten the chin strap, which must have been the reason for the oven mitts.

It’s at this point that I am praying that these kids don’t gang up on me because I would have come through the wall like the Kool-Aid man! I hear that they can smell fear.

So I let out a loud yet subtle, “HHEECCTTOORR!!” A couple of seconds later he comes around the corner and says that he will show me where to set everything up at. Thank god, I thought I was a goner.

We make our way to the room where we are supposed to set up everything and he gives me the run down. After we get everything set up Hector asked one of the teachers if there was anywhere that he could get a drink and she tells us where a water fountain is and mentions that there is a soda machine in the teachers lounge too. Hector opted for the soda and we make our way to the teachers lounge.

When we got to the teachers lounge there was a little girl standing by the soda machine with her hands clasp in front of her with her head down and looking very morose. We thought maybe she had gotten in trouble or something so we were going to be extra nice to her to try to cheer her up. We both said hello to her and asked how she was doing and she didn’t move a muscle. In an effort to not be annoying to the girl we just decided to get a soda and go about our business. Hector walks over to the machine and puts his money in, makes a selection and BAM, this little girl lunges and grabs the soda and then pfffffttt just slobbers all over the top of it. Without missing a beat, Hector says to her, “Yeah, you’re right, that one is yours” and then goes into his pocket to get more change. He again puts his money in the machine and the little girl, BAM/pffffffttt all over this one too. Hector is visibly taken back a little bit and turns to me and says, “Hey man, you think you can run interference for me? I am running out of money!” So there I am standing there like I am trying to block a four foot Kobe Bryant so that Hector can get a drink.

A dollar fifty later and he drops the damn thing walking out of the room!

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Need help with a guy

Dear Sweezey,

I have been sort of seeing this guy who for a while, but nothing to serious yet. He is great and seems to have his head on his shoulders. I am always going to him for advice and asking all sorts of questions and he never gets flustered with me. But one thing that is odd to me is every time I tell him that he is nice for helping me or say that he is sweet, he always replies to me with “Nah, I am an asshole :)” or something like that. Why won’t he let me compliment him? I know he is nice and has a heart of gold, but he never takes compliments. Is this a bad sign?

Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering Woman (oh god),

How dense are you? I mean seriously. While he may be saying it with a nice face on, he is telling you the truth, he’s an asshole. He is giving you warning that one day he is going to lower the boom on your ass like Hiroshima! And it wont be pretty. Yeah, one day he is going to have enough of your stupid ass questions and going to tell you what an idiot you are and all kinds of other things that you aren’t going to want to hear. Ever hear someone say that the writing is on the wall? Well when he is telling you that he is an asshole, he just pulled out a sharpie and is using his best penmanship.

So leave the guy alone. Don’t you think he has better things to do than to solve all of your issues for you? That is unless you are giving him some, then you just bought yourself a little more time. But he will get tired of that too, unless you know how to work it. Then he will just talk about you to his friends until you break crazy on him.

Sweezey

As always you can e-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Things that I wonder about.

• Did the guy whose job it was to name fruit just not try when he got to the orange?
• Why is Christopher Columbus celebrated as the man who discovered America when all he did was get lost?
• Does this bump look infected?
• How come people will burn up $10 in gas driving across the city to save fifty cents?
• Why don’t beaches wash away?
• Do all fish know how to swim?
• Shouldn’t firemen really be called watermen?
• Who let the dogs out?
• How come every time I loose socks it’s only one out of the pair? Why don’t I ever loose both socks from the same pair?
• If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, why is it so early? You would think that if it was so important that it would be at a time when everyone is up.
• Who decides what’s a weed and what’s a flower? Is it that if it’s hard to kill it’s a weed and if it’s hard to keep alive it’s a flower?
• Who decides what is dancing and what is repetitive spastic motion?
• Why is it that we load ourselves up with distractions such as cell phones and TVs in places that we need to pay the most attention, like in the car. But we want piece and quiet in places where you can afford to have distractions like at home?
• Why is there handicapped parking at dance clubs?
• What do fortune tells ask you what you want to know about? Shouldn’t they already know?
• If magicians can really do “magic” why don’t they let me pick the tricks they are to do?
• The rock band “Candlebox” has a greatest hits CD, why? And is it a single?

Don’t get dead

Telemarketers

I know that times are tough, I won’t argue that point one bit. And I know that everyone has to make a living. But stop trying to do it at my expense!

Look, I know that you are trying to feed your five hungry kids and the twins need special shoes so that they can walk to school, up hill both ways none the less. But trust me when I tell you that I got nothing that will help you and that you would do better trying to get someone else to buy what ever it is you are selling. Because all I am going to do is waste your time.

Like for instance, one time I was home and the phone rings, like a moron I answered it. I know, what was I thinking?! To my EXTREME joy it was a telemarketer. Now typically I would just hang up. But this time, was different. This time was special! I felt like screwing with someone. It must have been fate!

So I answer in the typical fashion of, “What?” (I got tired of using, “Commissioner Gordon here”) and the voice on the other end calls my name in this really cheery voice like he is glad to talk to me again. Knowing right away that this is no one who knows me, I let him continue with his little speech. He goes on and on about meeting new and exciting people and blah, blah, blah… I am sure he was saying something really meaningful but I was too busy scratching with the phone receiver. Anyway, he reveals that this is for the most popular dating service in the metroplex (didn’t see that coming with all of the talk of meeting new and exciting singles) and then he asks me, “So what do you think?” Well hell, I had to find out if I could do this! I mean who would want to pass up an opportunity like that! So I asked him to hang on a minute while I asked my wife if I could join. I hear him call me an asshole and hang up. Sorry dude, you’re the dumbass who called me and never asked if I was married. Good luck with your sales.

But my favorite of all time has to be this one time (at band camp, sorry I had to) a telemarketer called me trying to sell me the news paper. Over and over again I kept telling him that I wasn’t interested. And I was trying to be nice about it because the guy sounded desperate. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He just kept on and on. So finally I told him that I had to tell him something and that I was a war vet and that I lost both of my arms in the war and that’s why I didn’t want a subscription to the paper.

Anyone want to guess what he says then? Glad you asked, he says “Well what about the weekend edition?” No shit, he really said that after I told him that I don’t have arms.

But I was proud of myself, instead of telling him what a tool he was I simply left it at “Yeah, my arms grow back on the weekends, sign me up!”. I don’t know why but he hung up on me.

Don’t get dead

Guys rules for going to a club

Guys, this one is for you. With “Singles Awareness Day” or as some call it “Valentines Day” being tomorrow I thought that I would share with you some rules to help you find that lovely lady.

First off, women don’t want to be with some push over smuck. So be confident. Nice is for pussies, be a man. Jesus son, grow a pair! So if you ask a chick to dance and she brushes you off, tell her that you didn’t ask her for head just to dance and that she shouldn’t be such a cunt and to lighten up. They love that, drives them crazy.

Another thing that would help you is if you are so inclined to actually “dance” (god help you) remember these few rules for being a man while dancing (shiver).
• NEVER let your arms get above your shoulders. What are you some kind of queen? You’re not bringing sexy back if you look like it’s raining men, get it?
• Don’t ever ever ever ever ever sing along with the song. I don’t care how great of a song it is, never sing along with it.
• For the love of everything holy, don’t do the running man, the lawnmower, the sprinkler or the shaking dice thing. You only make yourself look like a bigger goober.
• Remember that dames think of dancing like vertical sex, so turn her around, bend her over at the waist and pound away!
• Never dance to more than one song at a time. Trust me, if you are a guy, you don’t dance well. Don’t make a huge ass out of yourself. And if you do actually have decent moves, leave them wanting more.
• No fucking techno, EVER!

Let’s move along to drinking. Beer is fine but is gives off a certain financial limit vibe. Drink mixed drinks. And not some fruity crap either. No drinks with umbrellas or fruit in them. What are you, Fabio? And for the sake of men everywhere, no bright colored drinks! Ever! Drinks should be dark in color. Come on you pansy, man up! And another thing, don’t drink out of a fucking staw, you are not in kindergarten. You got fuzz on your peaches right? Show it!

Make sure that you don’t dress like a dildo too. You’re going to a club to try to get laid, not an interview. No starch in anything you are wearing. And more than two buttons (starting at the very top of your shirt) unbuttoned is completely unacceptable. Come on dude, not t-shirts or anything with a hole in it. And don’t wear sneakers or tennis shoes, if you don’t have normal shoes you are not ready for a woman anyway. Wear a belt but don’t clip ANYTHING to it. And make sure that the belt and the shoes match. And no loud colors! Ever! If you are so inclined as to wear cologne pay very important attention to this part, JUST A FUCKING LITTLE BIT OF IT. Don’t bath in the shit. Let me give you some help here, go to the mall and look at the price tags of the colognes in the case. Find one that is more than you would pay for a bottle of cologne and find that tester bottle. Two sprays of it, no more. And if your hair looks like you just got out of a wind tunnel, well you are on your own, I can’t help you. Oh and no sunglasses. The more accessories that you have, the more you look … well just sad. Drawing attention to yourself = got nothing going for yourself.

Talking to chicks is crucial. Keep saying this handy little phrase to yourself “shut the fuck up”. And remember it. If you are talking, you are fucking up. Well if you are talking too much. Talking to women is sort of a moving target. Too little talking and you look like the guy who jerks off to Disney movies. Too much talking and you look like the guy who lives with his mom. Work on it, but never ever practice in a mirror. Two sentences at the most and no more than say eight words in a sentence. You want to look smooth, not spastic.

Just trying to help.

Don’t get dead

Nothing says love like …

… a pre-ban assault rifle!

That’s right, nothing screams loving like Glock.

What am I talking about? On the way to work this morning I see a sign for a gun and knife show on Valentines Day over in Fort Worth. I know that EVERY girl that I ever spent Valentines Day with wanted nothing more than to go to a gun show.

So if you are looking for that special gift idea for your loved one on Valentines why not a banana clip for her AK-47? Or maybe a .50 cal?

The thing that I really wonder the most about was, did the person who scheduled this really think this through? Here you have Bubba with access to weapons galore when he has just had his heart broken by Linda Lou all on the day that the words “If I can’t have her nobody can!” get said more than any other time of year. Smooth move ex-lax! Maybe they just need more training or something.

Don’t get dead

So is that a couple of pigeons in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

So there is a news story where some jackass from Sydney had a couple of pigeons in his pants on a flight (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090204/ap_on_fe_st/as_odd_australia_pigeon_pants;_ylt=AhNsIhf.qbtjnicNFwyJEcvtiBIF) which was found after some eggs where discovered in a vitamin container in his luggage. So that makes me wonder, what in the hell is this moron doing with pidgins in his pants? Ever see a pigeon? They are winged sewer rats. I saw one eat some barf that a homeless dude left on the sidewalk one day. So what was he doing with them? Actually I guess I should ask why? They are not endangered or worth anything. Damn sure not worth the $70,430 fine that he has now.

But why pigeons? You don’t think he was going to do some creepy sexual thing with them do ya? Do you think he had to turn his phone service off and still felt the need to communicate with others and was going to bring back the carrier pigeon craze?

I think the most ironic part is that he had them on a plane. Like they where never going to experience flight on their own.

Don’t get dead