For eons everyone has known that men and women are different. From the very obvious physical appearance to emotional needs and everything in between. Almost every comic has used this in their routine, television shows have been made from this, people have even become best selling authors from it. And still scientist study the differences in men and women on a daily basis. So I by no means know everything about the differences between men and women.
But I am always interested. I am always learning something about the way men and women are different. Either from my lovely wife, or her sisters, their mom, other female family members, female friends and so on. And I am just fascinated by it. How the female in almost every spices of life has this thing that they are born with that is engrained in the DNA which help comfort their young and take care of them. That mothering six sense if you will. How just being around their young brings a calming effect. But not just that, how men and women produce pheromones which attract the opposite sex. And how from an early age girls want to be a home maker and are much better then boys at organization and caring and compassion.
I mean as a guy I know that I don’t always recognize the needs of others. So this study in the difference in men and women is something that I am amazed by. Such as when my children where very young my wife could tell if their cry was a hungry cry, a mad cry, a hurt cry and so on. And it’s just incredible.
So to me these extra senses that women have are very interesting.
Like last night I learned that my wife can tell how hot something that I am taking out of the microwave is by the amount of vulgarities that come out of my mouth when I am holding it.
Simply amazing.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Zobmono question for 8/14/08
Would you rather
Be six foot tall and ugly
OR
Three foot tall and beautiful
I got a feeling that these questions are going to take a wicked turn in the future.
Don't get dead
Be six foot tall and ugly
OR
Three foot tall and beautiful
I got a feeling that these questions are going to take a wicked turn in the future.
Don't get dead
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Every time that the phone rings I panic just a little bit
One day I get a call from my wife who, at the time, was working from home. Since I was in the office she asked if I had a moment and that she needed to tell me something. Of course this makes me a little nervous but I told her that I had some time and asked what was up. She goes on to tell me that while she was on a conference call with three vice-presidents of her company she noticed that the children where quiet. Any one who reads this and has children knows that sometimes when your children are quiet it can be a bad thing. Since she was on this call she couldn’t really just yell for the kids but she knew that she had to investigate. So she mutes her phone and goes into the kid’s bath room.
If you are drinking anything right now go ahead and swallow it.
She opens the door to the bathroom and finds my two year-old son standing there, naked and blue. Yeah, blue, like the primary color. From head to toe he was blue.
Want to know why? Well it wasn’t that he was choking or anything like that. Nope, he took the cup that they use to rise after brushing their teeth and decided to baptize himself in the toilet. Our father, who are the Tidy Bowl Man, bless this child and keep us from checking our self into the looney bin.
So not only was he blue, the floor was covered in about an eighth inch of blue water. Fortunately there was nothing else in the toilet. My wife called poison control in case he ingested some of it. Just in case you are wondering, blue tidy bowl is actually safe to eat. Might make you feel like something you would flush but a bowl full won’t kill you.
And we all thought that the popularity of the Smurfs died in the 80’s.
Don’t get dead
If you are drinking anything right now go ahead and swallow it.
She opens the door to the bathroom and finds my two year-old son standing there, naked and blue. Yeah, blue, like the primary color. From head to toe he was blue.
Want to know why? Well it wasn’t that he was choking or anything like that. Nope, he took the cup that they use to rise after brushing their teeth and decided to baptize himself in the toilet. Our father, who are the Tidy Bowl Man, bless this child and keep us from checking our self into the looney bin.
So not only was he blue, the floor was covered in about an eighth inch of blue water. Fortunately there was nothing else in the toilet. My wife called poison control in case he ingested some of it. Just in case you are wondering, blue tidy bowl is actually safe to eat. Might make you feel like something you would flush but a bowl full won’t kill you.
And we all thought that the popularity of the Smurfs died in the 80’s.
Don’t get dead
How rad is my wife?
Yeah, I said rad and I am bring that word back. The other day I came home and she had dinner cooking, the house sparking clean, both of our children working on an activity and had edited tons of pictures. I am so lucky. And she puts up with me, which is nice.
We have a good time together and she is a lot funnier than she realizes. One night a while back, both of our lovely children where giving us fits. Nothing major just didn’t want to go to bed/sleep and we were doing everything in our power to be good parents. So we walk out of their bedrooms and are about to go downstairs when I stopped at the top of the stairs and was just looking down. My wife asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was thinking about throwing myself down the stairs hard enough to get an extended stay in a hospital room. A nice quiet hospital room.
My wife told me that she would go to the hospital and stand on my air hose if I did that.
She completes me!
Don’t get dead
We have a good time together and she is a lot funnier than she realizes. One night a while back, both of our lovely children where giving us fits. Nothing major just didn’t want to go to bed/sleep and we were doing everything in our power to be good parents. So we walk out of their bedrooms and are about to go downstairs when I stopped at the top of the stairs and was just looking down. My wife asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was thinking about throwing myself down the stairs hard enough to get an extended stay in a hospital room. A nice quiet hospital room.
My wife told me that she would go to the hospital and stand on my air hose if I did that.
She completes me!
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo question for 8/13/08
Would you rather
Have your only car be the weinermobile
OR
A monster truck with tires as tall as you are?
Don't get dead
Have your only car be the weinermobile
OR
A monster truck with tires as tall as you are?
Don't get dead
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Zobmondo question for 8/12/08
I almost forgot to post a question for today. I totally forgot to post one yesterday. So here goes.
Would you rather …
Be world famous for committing a crime
OR
Do something great, such as saving a life, and no one ever finds out?
Don’t get dead
Would you rather …
Be world famous for committing a crime
OR
Do something great, such as saving a life, and no one ever finds out?
Don’t get dead
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Tattoos
Recently I was talking with a friend who has several tattoos. He had several Chinese symbols that he was showing me. Which of course sparked the typical question “what does that mean?” for each of the symbols. And he had an answer for all of them, this one is the symbol for strength, this one is the symbol for harmony, this one is the symbol for happiness, this one is the symbol for passion and so on.
Now I don’t know if I am just a gigantic smart ass or if this is something that other people have thought/asked but I had to know. So I ask him “how do you know?” I mean unless you know Chinese, how do you really know what has been put under your skin?
Now with the internet you can use a search engine to find what a symbol looks like but do you carry your laptop to the tattoo shop? Do they have an internet hookup in the shops? If not, how do you know? I mean you are taking it on blind faith that the guy with the ink and needle is honest and really knows what he is talking about. And before the internet was invented how did anyone know?
It’s a good thing that I am not a tattoo artist because I would be screwing with people big time. Someone would come into my shop and want the Chinese symbol for leadership or something like that and I would tattoo them with the Chinese symbol for virgin or something like that. Just simply because I am a jackass. So I wonder, has anyone ever gotten a different symbol than what they wanted? That would be pretty damn funny to me.
But that leads me to something else that I wonder about. It seems that in America the Chinese symbols are very popular. Unless I am mistaken, these symbols are words in the Chinese culture. So, are American words popular as tattoos in China? Is there so guy running around China with the word “power” or “strength” or “happiness” or something like that tattooed on them? Which also makes me wonder, are there jackass tattoo artist in China would tattoo “booger” or something like that on a guy who wanted to get “power” tattooed on them? That would be classic.
Don’t get dead
Now I don’t know if I am just a gigantic smart ass or if this is something that other people have thought/asked but I had to know. So I ask him “how do you know?” I mean unless you know Chinese, how do you really know what has been put under your skin?
Now with the internet you can use a search engine to find what a symbol looks like but do you carry your laptop to the tattoo shop? Do they have an internet hookup in the shops? If not, how do you know? I mean you are taking it on blind faith that the guy with the ink and needle is honest and really knows what he is talking about. And before the internet was invented how did anyone know?
It’s a good thing that I am not a tattoo artist because I would be screwing with people big time. Someone would come into my shop and want the Chinese symbol for leadership or something like that and I would tattoo them with the Chinese symbol for virgin or something like that. Just simply because I am a jackass. So I wonder, has anyone ever gotten a different symbol than what they wanted? That would be pretty damn funny to me.
But that leads me to something else that I wonder about. It seems that in America the Chinese symbols are very popular. Unless I am mistaken, these symbols are words in the Chinese culture. So, are American words popular as tattoos in China? Is there so guy running around China with the word “power” or “strength” or “happiness” or something like that tattooed on them? Which also makes me wonder, are there jackass tattoo artist in China would tattoo “booger” or something like that on a guy who wanted to get “power” tattooed on them? That would be classic.
Don’t get dead
The Game Plan
I have just watched the movie “The Game Plan” with the Rock for about the 30th time and I got to say, that chick who is the dance instructor is freak hot!
That’s all
Don’t get dead
That’s all
Don’t get dead
Friday, August 08, 2008
Zobmondo - It’s audience participation time!
Ever play Zobmondo? It’s the “would you rather” game where you are asked if you absolutely had too, would you rather do this or that. This game is a trip. So every day I am going to try to think of a zobmondo question and post on my blog. I do hope everyone who reads it will post an answer.
So the question for today is, if you HAD to would you rather
Immerse your naked body in a bathtub of cockroaches
-OR-
dive naked head first into a pool of chewing tobacco spit?
So come on and play.
Let me know which you would pick, I look forward to your responses.
Don't get dead
So the question for today is, if you HAD to would you rather
Immerse your naked body in a bathtub of cockroaches
-OR-
dive naked head first into a pool of chewing tobacco spit?
So come on and play.
Let me know which you would pick, I look forward to your responses.
Don't get dead
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Olympics
Is anyone getting excited about the summer Olympics? I have a slight interest only because of the “controversy”. Other than that I could care less. But I don’t know why. The Olympics used to be a big deal. Now it’s almost like any other TV show. It used to be that people knew who were going to be our biggest competitors and the U.S. was expected to medal if not win pretty much every event that we entered. Now, I don’t know how many events we are going to enter, who any of the big name athletes are or if we are even expected to medal in anything. This could completely be me, maybe I have gotten out of the loop and everyone else still has Olympic fever if you will.
I am interested to watch the opening ceremonies just to see if anything happens. Waiting for the train wreck to happen if you will. That is if I am home and happen to think about it.
And just like the winter games with Curling, the summer games have their stupid event, walking. Yeah, walking is an Olympic event. Who know that I was an Olympiad in training! I have been walking for years. But how do to tell a fast walk from a jog? I could be completely off base, just funny to me.
I do hope that the U.S. team does well.
Don’t get dead
I am interested to watch the opening ceremonies just to see if anything happens. Waiting for the train wreck to happen if you will. That is if I am home and happen to think about it.
And just like the winter games with Curling, the summer games have their stupid event, walking. Yeah, walking is an Olympic event. Who know that I was an Olympiad in training! I have been walking for years. But how do to tell a fast walk from a jog? I could be completely off base, just funny to me.
I do hope that the U.S. team does well.
Don’t get dead
You got to watch this show
As I have stated several times, I am not a big fan or reality TV and I don’t watch a whole lot of TV in general. But for the last couple of weeks or so I have started to love this show that Tracy Morgan host called Scare Tactics. It’s a practical joke show where they put people in these crazy situations and scare the hell out of them. They put the victims in every situation from secret government experiments gone horribly wrong to murders and pretty much every other horror movie situation that you can think of. I love this show. What I would like to see is the stuff that they can’t air. Like was there a time that someone just freaked out. I wonder if anyone ever pulled out their cell phone and called 9-1-1? I wonder if anyone ever passed out or wet themselves or something like that. I have seen some where they had to bleep some of the language but I wonder if they had someone that just wouldn’t quit cussing or something like that. I wonder if anyone actually ever crapped their pants. Or if someone ever got really upset and didn’t see the humor in it. That would be a fun show to work on. If you get a chance be sure to watch it.
Don’t get dead
Don’t get dead
Dear Sweezey - Fed Up
Dear Sweezey,
A little while ago I was complaining because I hated my job... Now I have a new one that I hate even more. How funny is life? Can one survive quitting a job without having one lined up? My husband and family are not very supportive of this. But I am tired of my hair falling out every day. I apply to no less than 10 jobs per day. I am trying to find a new one, I even applied at Border's at a significant pay decrease. When should a person say screw you, I don't have another job lined up, but I don't want to work here anymore either?
- Fed Up
Dear FU,
So let me get this straight, you had a job, hated it, quit, got another job, hate it even more and are looking to quit and your family is not supportive of your idea. Seems to me that the common thread is all of this is YOU. So it’s probably not the jobs, but it is you.
You sound like a lazy, whiney, egotistical looser. Why don’t you shut your cake hole and work hard for a change? I would be willing to bet that if you didn’t waste your time focusing on the bad parts of the job and tried to do a good job that you would be much happier. Or maybe you should go to school and get a skill and be damn good at what you do for a change.
NO ONE likes getting up every day and going to work but we do because we have responsibilities. There is not a person I know who wouldn’t rather wake up on their own and decide if they want to layout by the pool or go shopping or go fishing or whatever other than go to work. But we all know that is what we have to do.
Bitch, if you quit your job and end up on welfare or government assistance or whatever because you are lazy, I will hunt you down, drag your ass to Washington and let all of the tax payers line up to beat your ass.
- Sweezey
DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
A little while ago I was complaining because I hated my job... Now I have a new one that I hate even more. How funny is life? Can one survive quitting a job without having one lined up? My husband and family are not very supportive of this. But I am tired of my hair falling out every day. I apply to no less than 10 jobs per day. I am trying to find a new one, I even applied at Border's at a significant pay decrease. When should a person say screw you, I don't have another job lined up, but I don't want to work here anymore either?
- Fed Up
Dear FU,
So let me get this straight, you had a job, hated it, quit, got another job, hate it even more and are looking to quit and your family is not supportive of your idea. Seems to me that the common thread is all of this is YOU. So it’s probably not the jobs, but it is you.
You sound like a lazy, whiney, egotistical looser. Why don’t you shut your cake hole and work hard for a change? I would be willing to bet that if you didn’t waste your time focusing on the bad parts of the job and tried to do a good job that you would be much happier. Or maybe you should go to school and get a skill and be damn good at what you do for a change.
NO ONE likes getting up every day and going to work but we do because we have responsibilities. There is not a person I know who wouldn’t rather wake up on their own and decide if they want to layout by the pool or go shopping or go fishing or whatever other than go to work. But we all know that is what we have to do.
Bitch, if you quit your job and end up on welfare or government assistance or whatever because you are lazy, I will hunt you down, drag your ass to Washington and let all of the tax payers line up to beat your ass.
- Sweezey
DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Dear Sweezey - how do i deal
Dear Sweezey,
okay.... so my husband has been around the block ... and them some... those the size of like extra long blocks... i knew this when i married him... i accepted it. the deal i can't deal is that majority are still in contact because alot of them were friends before so they remain friends even after the f@ck. i have met a couple because they have mutual friends.... they were nice no crazy shit... but i can't stand the fact that i am in a social setting with some women that have had my husband. i did the psycho fit sh!t and he no longers keeps in touch with them. It was a weekly chat on the phone or they would call each other just to say hi... now.... i know you think it's my insecurity (maybe it is IDK) but i don't want my husband to have contact with anyone he slept with. Not dated... slept with. i wouldn't do that to him--and i dont even tho i could still keep in touch with old partners who i am friends with but i don't because i don't want my husband to think anything otherwise. now his friends tease him that he's on leash... and i hate it ... it's not like that... i just sometimes feel that i did go to far but that i have justification....
- Psycho Wife
Dear Psycho Wife,
I hate to break it to you but he is banging each and every one of them. Oh yeah, most definitely tapping it. Sounds like he is quite the stud. I would even go as far as to bet that he was hoping to have you join them all at some point but you broke crazy on him. You should not even worry about it, nothing you can do at this point.
What you should do is apologize to him for telling him that you don’t want him to talk to them any more and then let him know that it is ok if he starts talking to them again. Then you should cut off all ties with the outside world. Make sure you have a damn good meal ready for him each and every day when he comes home from work and you better be wearing something sexy, if you are in the mood or not. And then when he is done with his meal, let him do any and everything that he wants. You should also ask him what you can do that would make him happy. Trust me, it’s what is best for everyone.
- Sweezey
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
okay.... so my husband has been around the block ... and them some... those the size of like extra long blocks... i knew this when i married him... i accepted it. the deal i can't deal is that majority are still in contact because alot of them were friends before so they remain friends even after the f@ck. i have met a couple because they have mutual friends.... they were nice no crazy shit... but i can't stand the fact that i am in a social setting with some women that have had my husband. i did the psycho fit sh!t and he no longers keeps in touch with them. It was a weekly chat on the phone or they would call each other just to say hi... now.... i know you think it's my insecurity (maybe it is IDK) but i don't want my husband to have contact with anyone he slept with. Not dated... slept with. i wouldn't do that to him--and i dont even tho i could still keep in touch with old partners who i am friends with but i don't because i don't want my husband to think anything otherwise. now his friends tease him that he's on leash... and i hate it ... it's not like that... i just sometimes feel that i did go to far but that i have justification....
- Psycho Wife
Dear Psycho Wife,
I hate to break it to you but he is banging each and every one of them. Oh yeah, most definitely tapping it. Sounds like he is quite the stud. I would even go as far as to bet that he was hoping to have you join them all at some point but you broke crazy on him. You should not even worry about it, nothing you can do at this point.
What you should do is apologize to him for telling him that you don’t want him to talk to them any more and then let him know that it is ok if he starts talking to them again. Then you should cut off all ties with the outside world. Make sure you have a damn good meal ready for him each and every day when he comes home from work and you better be wearing something sexy, if you are in the mood or not. And then when he is done with his meal, let him do any and everything that he wants. You should also ask him what you can do that would make him happy. Trust me, it’s what is best for everyone.
- Sweezey
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Dear Sweezey – Child Support
Dear Sweezey,
ok so my husband and I have been married for almost 3 years...soon after our son was born we separated and recently got back together. no divorce.
anyways while apart my son was on medicaid (2 years), i got no child support...i never wanted it....Today a sheriff came to our house and said my husband is due in court.
they want him to pay for past medical support and possible child support, but I do not want child support! *we are back together)
so have you ever heard of this???
how do they decide what he has to pay????
can they make him pay past child support even if i say no???
- worried mom
Dear Worried Mom,
Maybe I am missing something but if you are back together and they do make him pay, wouldn’t the money just come back to you?
Sweezey
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
ok so my husband and I have been married for almost 3 years...soon after our son was born we separated and recently got back together. no divorce.
anyways while apart my son was on medicaid (2 years), i got no child support...i never wanted it....Today a sheriff came to our house and said my husband is due in court.
they want him to pay for past medical support and possible child support, but I do not want child support! *we are back together)
so have you ever heard of this???
how do they decide what he has to pay????
can they make him pay past child support even if i say no???
- worried mom
Dear Worried Mom,
Maybe I am missing something but if you are back together and they do make him pay, wouldn’t the money just come back to you?
Sweezey
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Monday, August 04, 2008
Dear Sweezey - I need some relationship advice!
Dear Sweezey,
I was dating a girl for a month and we found out she was pregnant. Her background is she works as a bartender, parties allot has a ton of guy friends, my background corporate guy and make over 150K a year. I immeadiately stepped up, moved her in, got her on my insurance, bought her new clothes, took her to drs visit, paid off some of her debt, got her car fixed, kept her cell phone on, took her on a vacation. Now I realize I am not perfect, I have been getting on her a little to be happy about all of this, and take the opportunity to work on getting a better job etc. Last week she told me she is moving in with one of her friends because its too stressful living with me, and she wants me to date her now until the baby comes? Pick her up, take her to dinner, drop her off etc. This seems such a backwards move, but I told her if that is what she needs then I will support even if I dont agree. But now I am wondering, is she just trying to have her cake and eat it to? I mean is she just trying to be independent single on her own, and have me around at the same time? Any thoughts would be helpful.
Thanks for reading
Sincerely
Confused!
Me 35
Her 30
Dear Confused!,
You are an idiot. And she is playing you for a fool, which you are. What you mean to say is that you were dating a girl for a month and YOU found that that she was pregnant. Trust me, she knew already. And just how do you expect me to believe that you rake in over $150K when you can’t spell immediately correctly? Just as an FYI, the abbreviation of doctors starts with a capital letter and the word “don’t” has an apostrophe (‘) <-- one of those.
So back to you being a moron. Just say that you do make over $150K and this girl is a bartender who probably doesn’t make a ton of cash. Do you think that wherever she works has a medical plan? And I would be willing to bet that most of her income is cash, probably not a lot of savings going on. Look, I am not saying that bartenders are bad people, not even close to saying that. But I do know that it is a tough job to make a lot of money at.
In essences you were here scratch off lottery ticket and you paid off big time.
You said that you got her car fixed, dumbass.
You said that you paid off some of her debt, mega-dumbass.
Then you paid to have her cell phone working, look boys and girls it’s SUPERDUMBASS!
Dude, who do you think she is calling with that phone? The babies daddy and by that I mean the real daddy not you, you tool.
Then on top of all that, you took her on a vacation? I wish I could reach you right now so that I can strangle your p-whipped ass.
God I wish that I had a vag so that I could get you to drop some cash on me you pitiful man.
What you did was to make her babydaddy’s life a hell of a lot easier.
Do you honestly think that she wants a better job? Why would she? She can still live the party life and as long as she keeps stringing you along, she has tons of stuff taken care of for her. You’re a sugar-daddy without being smart enough to realize it.
I would have come through the wall like the Kool-Aid man if this girl told me that she was about to move in with one of her friends after I did everything you said that you did for her.
If you keep “dating” her until the baby comes I am going to find you and bitch-slap you until your head spins around like Linda Blair. Dude, take the day off tomorrow and watch Jerry Spring or Maury Povich.
YOU ARE BEING USED FOR MONEY YOU DUMBASS!!!
Peace and love,
Sweezey
Don’t get dead
I was dating a girl for a month and we found out she was pregnant. Her background is she works as a bartender, parties allot has a ton of guy friends, my background corporate guy and make over 150K a year. I immeadiately stepped up, moved her in, got her on my insurance, bought her new clothes, took her to drs visit, paid off some of her debt, got her car fixed, kept her cell phone on, took her on a vacation. Now I realize I am not perfect, I have been getting on her a little to be happy about all of this, and take the opportunity to work on getting a better job etc. Last week she told me she is moving in with one of her friends because its too stressful living with me, and she wants me to date her now until the baby comes? Pick her up, take her to dinner, drop her off etc. This seems such a backwards move, but I told her if that is what she needs then I will support even if I dont agree. But now I am wondering, is she just trying to have her cake and eat it to? I mean is she just trying to be independent single on her own, and have me around at the same time? Any thoughts would be helpful.
Thanks for reading
Sincerely
Confused!
Me 35
Her 30
Dear Confused!,
You are an idiot. And she is playing you for a fool, which you are. What you mean to say is that you were dating a girl for a month and YOU found that that she was pregnant. Trust me, she knew already. And just how do you expect me to believe that you rake in over $150K when you can’t spell immediately correctly? Just as an FYI, the abbreviation of doctors starts with a capital letter and the word “don’t” has an apostrophe (‘) <-- one of those.
So back to you being a moron. Just say that you do make over $150K and this girl is a bartender who probably doesn’t make a ton of cash. Do you think that wherever she works has a medical plan? And I would be willing to bet that most of her income is cash, probably not a lot of savings going on. Look, I am not saying that bartenders are bad people, not even close to saying that. But I do know that it is a tough job to make a lot of money at.
In essences you were here scratch off lottery ticket and you paid off big time.
You said that you got her car fixed, dumbass.
You said that you paid off some of her debt, mega-dumbass.
Then you paid to have her cell phone working, look boys and girls it’s SUPERDUMBASS!
Dude, who do you think she is calling with that phone? The babies daddy and by that I mean the real daddy not you, you tool.
Then on top of all that, you took her on a vacation? I wish I could reach you right now so that I can strangle your p-whipped ass.
God I wish that I had a vag so that I could get you to drop some cash on me you pitiful man.
What you did was to make her babydaddy’s life a hell of a lot easier.
Do you honestly think that she wants a better job? Why would she? She can still live the party life and as long as she keeps stringing you along, she has tons of stuff taken care of for her. You’re a sugar-daddy without being smart enough to realize it.
I would have come through the wall like the Kool-Aid man if this girl told me that she was about to move in with one of her friends after I did everything you said that you did for her.
If you keep “dating” her until the baby comes I am going to find you and bitch-slap you until your head spins around like Linda Blair. Dude, take the day off tomorrow and watch Jerry Spring or Maury Povich.
YOU ARE BEING USED FOR MONEY YOU DUMBASS!!!
Peace and love,
Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Friday, August 01, 2008
Dear Sweezey - I need an ear ..
Dear Sweezey,
Wondering how I have found myself here. Married woman with kids, great job, (sole provider of the house) finding myself very alone. Great professional job, good kids, and ALONE. Looking for a life. Not a negative person, really! lol. I just know there has to be more out there. Looking for someone to talk to that has been through the same thing. No real friends in the area I feel comfortable talking to.
- Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Seriously, you came to ME with this?
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Wondering how I have found myself here. Married woman with kids, great job, (sole provider of the house) finding myself very alone. Great professional job, good kids, and ALONE. Looking for a life. Not a negative person, really! lol. I just know there has to be more out there. Looking for someone to talk to that has been through the same thing. No real friends in the area I feel comfortable talking to.
- Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Seriously, you came to ME with this?
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Dear Sweezey - I may have saved a life tonight
Dear Sweezey,
As I was leaving a bar, a girl quickly stumbled backwards in front of me and fortunately my reflexes were not impaired and I caught her. She thanked me and I told her she was welcome and I kept walking. Later, it occurred to me that had I not been where I was, AND when I was, there was no one else in proximity to help her and she would certainly have fallen and hit her head on the floor so hard that it could have injured or even killed her. I'm not looking for credit for myself here, and I may be making too much of it, but her life would have definitely changed course otherwise. I am just wondering if it was just meant to be that I was there, when I was, and if so, I may never know why.
- Coincidence or divine intervention?
Dear Codi,
Please tell me that you don’t really think that you may have saved this girl from some injury or possibly death. Do you have any idea how many drunk people stumble and fall every night in bars all over world? Oh my god! I hope you have a cape! Quick, there is a drunk in a bar, call Soberman, he will catch you! Faster than a falling barstool, stronger than the urge to hurl, able to leap beer bottles in a single bound it SOBERMAN! Hero to all mankind who might have thrown back a couple of beers.
So how are you certain that she would have fallen and hit her head? Almost every drunk I have seen fall in bars, and it’s been quite a few, have either fallen face first with their hands out or on their ass. Did you whip out your protractor and calculator and do the math in mid-fall? Her rate of speed divided by the angle of her stumble multiplied by the cosine of the price of a beer… shut up you idiot.
But what if she was just jacking with you? Yeah, crazy concept but people in bars who have been drinking tend to like to play jokes on people for amusement. I know it’s kind of a stretch but I have read about it… online! So it must be true.
And you say that had you not been there that her life would have definitely changed course, well what if she is destine to be a serial killer. Nice job smuck. Now she can go on that killing spree. I hope you are happy with yourself. Had someone not caught Charles Manson, The Beltway Snipers, Jack the Ripper, The Hillside Strangler, Ted Bundy and O.J. Simpson when they were stumbling in a bar dozens of good, innocent people would still be alive today. I hope that you are happy with yourself and I hope that you have no problems sleeping at night while you think about what you have done.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
As I was leaving a bar, a girl quickly stumbled backwards in front of me and fortunately my reflexes were not impaired and I caught her. She thanked me and I told her she was welcome and I kept walking. Later, it occurred to me that had I not been where I was, AND when I was, there was no one else in proximity to help her and she would certainly have fallen and hit her head on the floor so hard that it could have injured or even killed her. I'm not looking for credit for myself here, and I may be making too much of it, but her life would have definitely changed course otherwise. I am just wondering if it was just meant to be that I was there, when I was, and if so, I may never know why.
- Coincidence or divine intervention?
Dear Codi,
Please tell me that you don’t really think that you may have saved this girl from some injury or possibly death. Do you have any idea how many drunk people stumble and fall every night in bars all over world? Oh my god! I hope you have a cape! Quick, there is a drunk in a bar, call Soberman, he will catch you! Faster than a falling barstool, stronger than the urge to hurl, able to leap beer bottles in a single bound it SOBERMAN! Hero to all mankind who might have thrown back a couple of beers.
So how are you certain that she would have fallen and hit her head? Almost every drunk I have seen fall in bars, and it’s been quite a few, have either fallen face first with their hands out or on their ass. Did you whip out your protractor and calculator and do the math in mid-fall? Her rate of speed divided by the angle of her stumble multiplied by the cosine of the price of a beer… shut up you idiot.
But what if she was just jacking with you? Yeah, crazy concept but people in bars who have been drinking tend to like to play jokes on people for amusement. I know it’s kind of a stretch but I have read about it… online! So it must be true.
And you say that had you not been there that her life would have definitely changed course, well what if she is destine to be a serial killer. Nice job smuck. Now she can go on that killing spree. I hope you are happy with yourself. Had someone not caught Charles Manson, The Beltway Snipers, Jack the Ripper, The Hillside Strangler, Ted Bundy and O.J. Simpson when they were stumbling in a bar dozens of good, innocent people would still be alive today. I hope that you are happy with yourself and I hope that you have no problems sleeping at night while you think about what you have done.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
my stressful job and my mee maw and my old dog and paycheck day
Dear Sweezey,
I didnt know being a security officer professional had so many responsibility's. Not only do I have to keep up w/ my sit of keys at night, but a flashlight and company issued duty belt that half way fits me. I also am confused about my brake times, noone has tooken responsibilty to tell me when to take my brake!!!!!!!I have a duty belt that has the sticky stuff on it and you wrap it around you and it sticks..... I am right handed and my night stick is on my left side and i have to situate it every freaking time i come on my shift! The company issues me keys and i have to keep up with them but they fall out easily because the pants are fucking cheap and slick!!!!! I bring my dog on shift and i have been writted up on it because why shouldn't I be able to bring my got damn fucking dog on duty if the police can?I GOTS ME A GERMAN SHEPPARD AND I USE IT TO HELP ME ON DUTY!!!!!!!!
I have several issues with the department and i will be going to talk with my leutenant or corporal wiggins if the chief isnt available....DRAMA...DRAMA...DRAMA..still at my ole age of 46!IT just aint fair got damn it, and my mee maw is mad and upset because THIS COMPANY DOES NOT DO ME THE FUCK RIGHT AND I WILL BE TELLING THEM ABOUT MY PANTS!EVERY FUCKING TIME I PUT SSOMETHING IN THEM THEY WANT TO FALL THE HELL OUT - That is putting me in danger! What if i lost my keys at night or my cell phone and i gots me an emergency????????
ANY SUGGESTIONS... HELP PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UN BELIEVEABLE
- Security Patrol
Dear Security Patrol,
What is unbelievable, or as you put it “UN BELIEVEABLE”, is how you are 46 years old and this damn stupid. Who in the hell hired you to do security? I wouldn’t let you guard my doghouse. Seriously, how did you get this job or any job for that matter? I think what amazes me the most is that you sent this via a computer. I am astonished.
So you didn’t know that being a security guard had so many “responsibility's”. I didn’t know that responsibility could possess something. And you have to keep up with a “sit” of keys? You mean a set? I know, those vowels can be tricky. Sounds like your belt is too big, yes? Well poke a hole in it to make it fit. Problem solved.
Just what is it that you have to stop or slow down? And you can only do it at certain times? Oh you mean break times, like taking a break, not like brakes on a car. Oh, well the reason that you are confused is because you are a complete tool. Yeah, if you had walking around sense you would probably be able to figure complex things like break times out. And just what is a “noone” and how would it “tooken responsibilty”?
So this duty belt that you have has something sticky on it? Well wipe it off goober. You really are retarded aren’t you?
Nightstick is on the left side and you are right handed, whew tough one. Maybe you can take the night stick out with your left hand? Or maybe you can flip the belt over and it will be on the right side! Novel idea huh! Wait a minute, who in their right mind gave you a nightstick?!
Keep loosing your keys huh, why don’t you put them in your pocket! Or maybe hold on to them or something wild like that? Maybe get one of those cool belt clip things that retract like a measuring tape? Dude, where you dropped on your head or something?
So you got writted up huh. Can’t help you there.
Why shouldn't you be able to bring your “got damn fucking dog on duty if the police can?” Well maybe because your not a police officer and because the police know the difference between God and got. “GOTS” you a German Sheppard huh, what you “GOTS” is a low IQ. Tell you what, take that nightstick and hold it tight with both hands with your arms out in front of you. Now swing it right between your eyes as hard as you can. If it hurts you are not doing it hard enough, keep tying.
This has got to be a joke right. You’re drunk or something right? There is no helping you.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
I didnt know being a security officer professional had so many responsibility's. Not only do I have to keep up w/ my sit of keys at night, but a flashlight and company issued duty belt that half way fits me. I also am confused about my brake times, noone has tooken responsibilty to tell me when to take my brake!!!!!!!I have a duty belt that has the sticky stuff on it and you wrap it around you and it sticks..... I am right handed and my night stick is on my left side and i have to situate it every freaking time i come on my shift! The company issues me keys and i have to keep up with them but they fall out easily because the pants are fucking cheap and slick!!!!! I bring my dog on shift and i have been writted up on it because why shouldn't I be able to bring my got damn fucking dog on duty if the police can?I GOTS ME A GERMAN SHEPPARD AND I USE IT TO HELP ME ON DUTY!!!!!!!!
I have several issues with the department and i will be going to talk with my leutenant or corporal wiggins if the chief isnt available....DRAMA...DRAMA...DRAMA..still at my ole age of 46!IT just aint fair got damn it, and my mee maw is mad and upset because THIS COMPANY DOES NOT DO ME THE FUCK RIGHT AND I WILL BE TELLING THEM ABOUT MY PANTS!EVERY FUCKING TIME I PUT SSOMETHING IN THEM THEY WANT TO FALL THE HELL OUT - That is putting me in danger! What if i lost my keys at night or my cell phone and i gots me an emergency????????
ANY SUGGESTIONS... HELP PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UN BELIEVEABLE
- Security Patrol
Dear Security Patrol,
What is unbelievable, or as you put it “UN BELIEVEABLE”, is how you are 46 years old and this damn stupid. Who in the hell hired you to do security? I wouldn’t let you guard my doghouse. Seriously, how did you get this job or any job for that matter? I think what amazes me the most is that you sent this via a computer. I am astonished.
So you didn’t know that being a security guard had so many “responsibility's”. I didn’t know that responsibility could possess something. And you have to keep up with a “sit” of keys? You mean a set? I know, those vowels can be tricky. Sounds like your belt is too big, yes? Well poke a hole in it to make it fit. Problem solved.
Just what is it that you have to stop or slow down? And you can only do it at certain times? Oh you mean break times, like taking a break, not like brakes on a car. Oh, well the reason that you are confused is because you are a complete tool. Yeah, if you had walking around sense you would probably be able to figure complex things like break times out. And just what is a “noone” and how would it “tooken responsibilty”?
So this duty belt that you have has something sticky on it? Well wipe it off goober. You really are retarded aren’t you?
Nightstick is on the left side and you are right handed, whew tough one. Maybe you can take the night stick out with your left hand? Or maybe you can flip the belt over and it will be on the right side! Novel idea huh! Wait a minute, who in their right mind gave you a nightstick?!
Keep loosing your keys huh, why don’t you put them in your pocket! Or maybe hold on to them or something wild like that? Maybe get one of those cool belt clip things that retract like a measuring tape? Dude, where you dropped on your head or something?
So you got writted up huh. Can’t help you there.
Why shouldn't you be able to bring your “got damn fucking dog on duty if the police can?” Well maybe because your not a police officer and because the police know the difference between God and got. “GOTS” you a German Sheppard huh, what you “GOTS” is a low IQ. Tell you what, take that nightstick and hold it tight with both hands with your arms out in front of you. Now swing it right between your eyes as hard as you can. If it hurts you are not doing it hard enough, keep tying.
This has got to be a joke right. You’re drunk or something right? There is no helping you.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Is it okay to tell a woman she's beautiful?
Dear Sweezey,
I'm walking through the store yesterday and I see this woman who is absolutely stunning. She obviously spent a lot of time and effort to look that good. I felt compelled to tell her how nice she looked but didnt wanna come off as a creepy guy.
I had no intention of asking for her phone number or anything like that, I just think that if someone looks nice you should tell them.
So what do you think ladies would do if some guy they have never met comes up and says, "you look really nice today"?
Would they take it as a compliment or mace the punk?
- Mall Guy
Dear Mall Guy,
Let me get this straight, you DON’T want to ask out a woman who you refer to as “stunning”? You are GAY! And creepy. Well, if you’re not gay, you are on the waiting list. If she was ugly would you ask her out? I don’t get it.
Do you honestly think that this woman went out in public looking “stunning” by accident? Hell no, she did it on purpose. You want to know why? To attract men. So by you not asking her out you are doing nature a severe injustice. I would even say that you are insulting her by not asking her out if you do approach her. How rude of you not to ask her out! Would you come up to random black men and tell them that they don’t look like criminals? Would you come up to random middle-easterners and tell them that they don’t look like terrorists? Would you walk up to random white dudes and tell them that they don’t look like NASCAR fans? Why would you walk up to this random lady and insult her? If she took the time to make herself “stunning” grow a set and ask her out.
If I was her and you just walked up and told me that I “look really nice” and left it at that. I would mace you, kick you in the nuts, call the cops and look for your picture on a sex offender website.
You do know that something like that is just screaming I am going to get a picture of you in my mind so that I can think about you when I have some “alone time”. Damn son, quit being pervy and think about what you are doing.
Idiots… I swear.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
I'm walking through the store yesterday and I see this woman who is absolutely stunning. She obviously spent a lot of time and effort to look that good. I felt compelled to tell her how nice she looked but didnt wanna come off as a creepy guy.
I had no intention of asking for her phone number or anything like that, I just think that if someone looks nice you should tell them.
So what do you think ladies would do if some guy they have never met comes up and says, "you look really nice today"?
Would they take it as a compliment or mace the punk?
- Mall Guy
Dear Mall Guy,
Let me get this straight, you DON’T want to ask out a woman who you refer to as “stunning”? You are GAY! And creepy. Well, if you’re not gay, you are on the waiting list. If she was ugly would you ask her out? I don’t get it.
Do you honestly think that this woman went out in public looking “stunning” by accident? Hell no, she did it on purpose. You want to know why? To attract men. So by you not asking her out you are doing nature a severe injustice. I would even say that you are insulting her by not asking her out if you do approach her. How rude of you not to ask her out! Would you come up to random black men and tell them that they don’t look like criminals? Would you come up to random middle-easterners and tell them that they don’t look like terrorists? Would you walk up to random white dudes and tell them that they don’t look like NASCAR fans? Why would you walk up to this random lady and insult her? If she took the time to make herself “stunning” grow a set and ask her out.
If I was her and you just walked up and told me that I “look really nice” and left it at that. I would mace you, kick you in the nuts, call the cops and look for your picture on a sex offender website.
You do know that something like that is just screaming I am going to get a picture of you in my mind so that I can think about you when I have some “alone time”. Damn son, quit being pervy and think about what you are doing.
Idiots… I swear.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Maxim Hurricane Advice
Recently Maxim magazine had an article giving advice on how to survive a hurricane. In this article they gave you a list of supplies that one would need to pick up prior to the hurricane hitting land. Things like a camping stove, a hand-crank radio, an LED headlamp and so on. And they told you why you will need them. Then the article went on to tell you what to do when the hurricane hits landfall. Stuff like where to go and what to have with you. And it seemed like pretty good advice. They even gave advice as to what to do in the aftermath. Things like how to cook without everyone coming over to eat your food (how neighborly) and how to catch rain water and so on. Again, sounds like pretty sound advice.
I think that I might have better advice. GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN. If you know a hurricane is coming, leave! It’s not like the hurricane snuck up on you. You can see them coming for DAYS. Leave, skedaddle, go, run, take-off, haul-ass, shoo! How many different ways do you need to be told to get away from the danger?
But I guess simply telling people to get out of the path of the storm in one sentence doesn’t really sell a lot of magazines does it?
Don't get dead
I think that I might have better advice. GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN. If you know a hurricane is coming, leave! It’s not like the hurricane snuck up on you. You can see them coming for DAYS. Leave, skedaddle, go, run, take-off, haul-ass, shoo! How many different ways do you need to be told to get away from the danger?
But I guess simply telling people to get out of the path of the storm in one sentence doesn’t really sell a lot of magazines does it?
Don't get dead
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Buck
Another blog that someone responded too was my “More Stupid Sayings” blog. Now typically I don’t respond or post a blog every time I get a comment. I love the comments, please post more, if you aren’t being a buffoon I wont blog about you, promise. But this comment needed a reply.
So here is what “Buck” had to say.
And I quote “well. my life really is on hidden camera. they wont let met quit either. they torture me psychologically constantly. they cough at me, talk to me in my sleep causing horrid dreams - and they won't quit. i'm sure it's very successful but the are very clever - my internet is cansored so i can't find information. this is no joke - you must know who I am. somebody send me some info these sadists are driving me crazy. i need help please”
Hey Buck, why don’t you ask them to teach you spelling and grammar while they are talking to you in your sleep? Leave it on a sticky note on your forehead or something. And you know that key on your key board that says “Shift”? If you hold it down it will make a capital letter. We use capital letters at the beginning of sentences and when using the word “I”. Look I just did it right there when I held down “Shift” and the “l” key. It’s really not that hard. Give it a shot.
What the hell is cansored? You mean censored? I know those vowels can be confusing so I will give you that one. But how in the hell did you spell psychologically correct and fuck up censored?
But sorry Buck, I don’t know who you are. I am pretty sure I don’t know any illiterate, babbling simpletons.
Don’t get dead.
So here is what “Buck” had to say.
And I quote “well. my life really is on hidden camera. they wont let met quit either. they torture me psychologically constantly. they cough at me, talk to me in my sleep causing horrid dreams - and they won't quit. i'm sure it's very successful but the are very clever - my internet is cansored so i can't find information. this is no joke - you must know who I am. somebody send me some info these sadists are driving me crazy. i need help please”
Hey Buck, why don’t you ask them to teach you spelling and grammar while they are talking to you in your sleep? Leave it on a sticky note on your forehead or something. And you know that key on your key board that says “Shift”? If you hold it down it will make a capital letter. We use capital letters at the beginning of sentences and when using the word “I”. Look I just did it right there when I held down “Shift” and the “l” key. It’s really not that hard. Give it a shot.
What the hell is cansored? You mean censored? I know those vowels can be confusing so I will give you that one. But how in the hell did you spell psychologically correct and fuck up censored?
But sorry Buck, I don’t know who you are. I am pretty sure I don’t know any illiterate, babbling simpletons.
Don’t get dead.
Dear Sweezey follow up
So I got a couple of response to some of my blogs which I have been meaning to address. So I will do that now.
The first one is where someone had something to say about my Dear Sweezey – Dating after 40 blog.
She wrote "I will never whore it up. I will be myself to the day maggots feast on my dead body, even if that means sitting at home every Friday night having a date with a scoop of ice cream and whipped topping. And men-here is a note for you: I
don't want to ever catch you bitching "That fucking bitch took half. Why did I ever get married?". "All she wants is my dinero" crap. YOU are the one who wanted a bitch. There are plenty of great women out there. Stop going to that same pub every night. That might help. Losers." – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for helping me prove my point. I was giving "Dating after 40" advice on getting dates and a man. If she wanted advice on getting hips the size of Buicks I would have steered her in your direction.
And don't try to use my blog as a place for you to give advice to men. First off, men aren't going to listen to you because you are very bitter and don't care about your self image. Secondly men don't care if you want to catch them bitching about anything or not. Don't flatter yourself by thinking that anyone cares.
I am guessing that you consider yourself one of those "great women" that you speak of. So how are guys supposed to meet you while you are trying all of the 31 flavors and watching Wheel of Fortune on Friday nights?
I do find it funny that you call men who go out and have a social life "losers" while you started your comment by saying that you are happy sitting at home every Friday night having a date with a scoop of ice cream. So keep shoveling the Häagen-Dazs down your throat and being mad at the world, it works for you.
- Sweezey
Don't get dead
The first one is where someone had something to say about my Dear Sweezey – Dating after 40 blog.
She wrote "I will never whore it up. I will be myself to the day maggots feast on my dead body, even if that means sitting at home every Friday night having a date with a scoop of ice cream and whipped topping. And men-here is a note for you: I
don't want to ever catch you bitching "That fucking bitch took half. Why did I ever get married?". "All she wants is my dinero" crap. YOU are the one who wanted a bitch. There are plenty of great women out there. Stop going to that same pub every night. That might help. Losers." – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for helping me prove my point. I was giving "Dating after 40" advice on getting dates and a man. If she wanted advice on getting hips the size of Buicks I would have steered her in your direction.
And don't try to use my blog as a place for you to give advice to men. First off, men aren't going to listen to you because you are very bitter and don't care about your self image. Secondly men don't care if you want to catch them bitching about anything or not. Don't flatter yourself by thinking that anyone cares.
I am guessing that you consider yourself one of those "great women" that you speak of. So how are guys supposed to meet you while you are trying all of the 31 flavors and watching Wheel of Fortune on Friday nights?
I do find it funny that you call men who go out and have a social life "losers" while you started your comment by saying that you are happy sitting at home every Friday night having a date with a scoop of ice cream. So keep shoveling the Häagen-Dazs down your throat and being mad at the world, it works for you.
- Sweezey
Don't get dead
I need a vacation
Yep, I need a place to get away, a place to escape it all, a place to relax, a place to leave my worries behind. Somewhere that is stress free, somewhere that all you have to do is be there, somewhere where everyone is smiling and having fun. A vacation that regenerates, a vacation that puts a smile on ones face, a vacation that you would cherish for the rest of your life.
But we all know that shit aint going to happen.
I tell people that we don’t have vacations, we have adventures. And there is always a story to tell.
Just like this one trip to Panama City Beach. It was the usual crew of us headed down to the Redneck Rivera for a week of fun in the sun, some sub-tropical nightlife, a little relaxation and a whole lot of being …what is the word I am looking for … mischief!
Let me lay the ground work on this trip. Our sole purpose on this trip was to get hammered, past that we had not thought it out. We knew that we needed clean underwear and beer, everything else was a luxury. We had secured a room at one of the miracle strips finest establishments, but only because someone in our party knew someone or something. I don’t remember exactly what floor we were on but it was once of the upper floors, oh and this hotel was shaped like on open parenthesis “(“. This part plays an important role later on.
On the day we leave we all met at one of the groups’ house. From there we all loaded up the convoy of vehicles that where about to make the trip south and we headed out. About an hour and a half later we were there and ready to get this party started. We check in, get the keys and start to “relax”. And most of this trip was great, except for one night.
On this particular night as the sun was beginning to set we were hanging out on the balcony of the room and just being social with other people in the hotel. Shortly pretty much everyone in the hotel was on their balcony. There were a bunch of guys getting this girl across the way to flash everyone and some people a couple of floors down from us had a funnel/beer bong made out of three garden hoses and they were passing it around from rooms to rooms. It was huge. They made it from three 25 foot hoses, two of which where at the top connected to the bottom hose with one of those Y shaped hose connectors. The top two hoses had these big funnels attached to the hoses and the bottom hose had this shut off valve, it was pretty cool. So yeah, there was a bit of drinking going on. Then everyone’s attention turned to the pool, there was this guy who would get everyone really loud and then he would run and do a flip into the pool. Then he would get out drink some more, get everyone loud again, run and do a flip into the pool. This went on for a while and then you see patio chairs flying into the pool. Not to worry, it’s not getting out of hand or anything, just those chairs needed washing. And apparently a lot of other people thought that their chairs needed washing too because they tossed their chairs in too. Then for some reason people started to throw food into the pool. That was weird. We saw eggs and hotdogs and all kinds of crap come flying off of various balconies.
My guess is that at this point the management of the hotel was not very happy. A few members of the hotel staff came out to the pool area and tried to get everyone to calm down to no avail. I will give them credit, they tried.
After the hotel staff left a rousing cheer came from all of the balconies as if we had defeated some huge force. When in fact it was 500 drunk kids trying to be calmed by 6 people. At that point the odds weren’t in the staff’s favor. Back to just general rowdiness and chest thumping!!
After a few minutes local law enforcement showed up. We knew something was up by the way that the people on the first two floors balconies shoot into their rooms at light speed. Four or five sheriffs’ deputies are in the pool area sort of half-heartedly trying to get us to calm down which really did very little. They had a little pow-wow on the pool deck and then it looked like they just split up and walked around with one arm up in the air each and then… well they just left.
Again a rousing cheer comes from the group. But then, as if it was choreographed, floor by floor people were ducking into their rooms.
Remember the part about the hotel being shaped like ( <- that? And that this hotel was on the beach? Well the wind blows from the water to the beach and it would blow right up the hotel. So if someone say, sprayed something it would carry UP the hotel. So yeah, they mace’d us. Floor by floor you see people ducking into their rooms and shutting the doors. When it hit us it wasn’t as bad as it could be but it was enough to make us cough and our eyes and nose burn. But, but, but, but there were more of us than there was of them, how did this happen? Damn physics!
Don’t get dead.
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
But we all know that shit aint going to happen.
I tell people that we don’t have vacations, we have adventures. And there is always a story to tell.
Just like this one trip to Panama City Beach. It was the usual crew of us headed down to the Redneck Rivera for a week of fun in the sun, some sub-tropical nightlife, a little relaxation and a whole lot of being …what is the word I am looking for … mischief!
Let me lay the ground work on this trip. Our sole purpose on this trip was to get hammered, past that we had not thought it out. We knew that we needed clean underwear and beer, everything else was a luxury. We had secured a room at one of the miracle strips finest establishments, but only because someone in our party knew someone or something. I don’t remember exactly what floor we were on but it was once of the upper floors, oh and this hotel was shaped like on open parenthesis “(“. This part plays an important role later on.
On the day we leave we all met at one of the groups’ house. From there we all loaded up the convoy of vehicles that where about to make the trip south and we headed out. About an hour and a half later we were there and ready to get this party started. We check in, get the keys and start to “relax”. And most of this trip was great, except for one night.
On this particular night as the sun was beginning to set we were hanging out on the balcony of the room and just being social with other people in the hotel. Shortly pretty much everyone in the hotel was on their balcony. There were a bunch of guys getting this girl across the way to flash everyone and some people a couple of floors down from us had a funnel/beer bong made out of three garden hoses and they were passing it around from rooms to rooms. It was huge. They made it from three 25 foot hoses, two of which where at the top connected to the bottom hose with one of those Y shaped hose connectors. The top two hoses had these big funnels attached to the hoses and the bottom hose had this shut off valve, it was pretty cool. So yeah, there was a bit of drinking going on. Then everyone’s attention turned to the pool, there was this guy who would get everyone really loud and then he would run and do a flip into the pool. Then he would get out drink some more, get everyone loud again, run and do a flip into the pool. This went on for a while and then you see patio chairs flying into the pool. Not to worry, it’s not getting out of hand or anything, just those chairs needed washing. And apparently a lot of other people thought that their chairs needed washing too because they tossed their chairs in too. Then for some reason people started to throw food into the pool. That was weird. We saw eggs and hotdogs and all kinds of crap come flying off of various balconies.
My guess is that at this point the management of the hotel was not very happy. A few members of the hotel staff came out to the pool area and tried to get everyone to calm down to no avail. I will give them credit, they tried.
After the hotel staff left a rousing cheer came from all of the balconies as if we had defeated some huge force. When in fact it was 500 drunk kids trying to be calmed by 6 people. At that point the odds weren’t in the staff’s favor. Back to just general rowdiness and chest thumping!!
After a few minutes local law enforcement showed up. We knew something was up by the way that the people on the first two floors balconies shoot into their rooms at light speed. Four or five sheriffs’ deputies are in the pool area sort of half-heartedly trying to get us to calm down which really did very little. They had a little pow-wow on the pool deck and then it looked like they just split up and walked around with one arm up in the air each and then… well they just left.
Again a rousing cheer comes from the group. But then, as if it was choreographed, floor by floor people were ducking into their rooms.
Remember the part about the hotel being shaped like ( <- that? And that this hotel was on the beach? Well the wind blows from the water to the beach and it would blow right up the hotel. So if someone say, sprayed something it would carry UP the hotel. So yeah, they mace’d us. Floor by floor you see people ducking into their rooms and shutting the doors. When it hit us it wasn’t as bad as it could be but it was enough to make us cough and our eyes and nose burn. But, but, but, but there were more of us than there was of them, how did this happen? Damn physics!
Don’t get dead.
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Colors
After a beer or two, or eight or so, I got to thinking about colors. Don’t ask why because I really don’t know why. But I was thinking about them. And I was wondering why red gets the shaft.
Pretty much every color has a light and a dark, but red. Almost like adding some black to a color and you get a dark what ever and by adding some white you get a light what ever. Black and white are exceptions. You can’t get darker than black or lighter than white. And if you try to lighten black or darken white you get grey so that is the exception. But you have light and dark blue, light and dark green, light and dark brown, yellow and so on.
But red is treated differently. Light red is pink and dark red is crimson or maroon. What kind of BS is that?
There is something about purple and lavender or something but I am having a hard time focusing on that right now.
But why did red get the shaft? Or is it that red is getting special treatment?
Oh hell, I don’t know.
Don’t get dead
Pretty much every color has a light and a dark, but red. Almost like adding some black to a color and you get a dark what ever and by adding some white you get a light what ever. Black and white are exceptions. You can’t get darker than black or lighter than white. And if you try to lighten black or darken white you get grey so that is the exception. But you have light and dark blue, light and dark green, light and dark brown, yellow and so on.
But red is treated differently. Light red is pink and dark red is crimson or maroon. What kind of BS is that?
There is something about purple and lavender or something but I am having a hard time focusing on that right now.
But why did red get the shaft? Or is it that red is getting special treatment?
Oh hell, I don’t know.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Gas prices are so high that they are affecting hookers?
Another news story that I just saw says …
Brothel offers customers gas rebate
Wed Jul 9, 12:18 PM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A Nevada brothel is trying to stimulate business by offering free gasoline.
Clients of the Shady Lady Ranch will get a $50 gas voucher if they fork out $300 -- worth about one hour's worth of services -- at the brothel in Beatty, Nevada, 130 miles northwest of Las Vegas.
Owner James Davis said he already has had to order another $1,000 set of gas vouchers because the first $1,000 were spent in one week.
"It's rocking along. We're doing quite well. June and July historically are not big months," said Davis, who is co-owner of the brothel along with his wife Bobbi, in a telephone interview.
The $50 rebate would roughly cover the cost of a round trip drive from Las Vegas to the ranch.
Davis said business at the ranch, which has been operating for 16 years, generally slows in the early summer. He said the brothel regularly offers specials to lure clients and his wife came up with the gas vouchers for this month.
U.S. gasoline prices hit a record $4.08 a gallon last week, up 38 percent from a year ago.
Brothels, illegal in most U.S. states, are legal in parts of Nevada.
Man, that’s messed up.
Somewhere in there is an “ass, gas or grass” joke but I just can’t come up with it.
I guess the thing that strikes me as funny about this is that I can picture a couple of guys sitting around a Vegas hotel room where the conversation goes a little bit like this.
Dude 1 – “Dude, we are in Vegas baby!! Woohoo!!”
Dude 2 – “Yeah man and what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!”
Dude 1 – “Damn straight brother!”
Dude 2 – “Just think of all of the stuff we will tell our friends about when we get back to
West Virginia (or where ever)”
Dude 1 – “Yeah bro! Hey, let’s go get some hookers!! That would so rock!”
Dude 2 – “I would man but all of the brothels are like 130 miles away and gas is like $4.00 a gallon. Even though we just paid $200 a night for this room and $1,000 in airfare and the sex will cost us $300 an hour each.”
Dude 1 – “Good point, I wish we had a $50 pre-paid gas card, that would rule”
… dumbasses
Don’t get dead
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
Brothel offers customers gas rebate
Wed Jul 9, 12:18 PM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A Nevada brothel is trying to stimulate business by offering free gasoline.
Clients of the Shady Lady Ranch will get a $50 gas voucher if they fork out $300 -- worth about one hour's worth of services -- at the brothel in Beatty, Nevada, 130 miles northwest of Las Vegas.
Owner James Davis said he already has had to order another $1,000 set of gas vouchers because the first $1,000 were spent in one week.
"It's rocking along. We're doing quite well. June and July historically are not big months," said Davis, who is co-owner of the brothel along with his wife Bobbi, in a telephone interview.
The $50 rebate would roughly cover the cost of a round trip drive from Las Vegas to the ranch.
Davis said business at the ranch, which has been operating for 16 years, generally slows in the early summer. He said the brothel regularly offers specials to lure clients and his wife came up with the gas vouchers for this month.
U.S. gasoline prices hit a record $4.08 a gallon last week, up 38 percent from a year ago.
Brothels, illegal in most U.S. states, are legal in parts of Nevada.
Man, that’s messed up.
Somewhere in there is an “ass, gas or grass” joke but I just can’t come up with it.
I guess the thing that strikes me as funny about this is that I can picture a couple of guys sitting around a Vegas hotel room where the conversation goes a little bit like this.
Dude 1 – “Dude, we are in Vegas baby!! Woohoo!!”
Dude 2 – “Yeah man and what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!”
Dude 1 – “Damn straight brother!”
Dude 2 – “Just think of all of the stuff we will tell our friends about when we get back to
West Virginia (or where ever)”
Dude 1 – “Yeah bro! Hey, let’s go get some hookers!! That would so rock!”
Dude 2 – “I would man but all of the brothels are like 130 miles away and gas is like $4.00 a gallon. Even though we just paid $200 a night for this room and $1,000 in airfare and the sex will cost us $300 an hour each.”
Dude 1 – “Good point, I wish we had a $50 pre-paid gas card, that would rule”
… dumbasses
Don’t get dead
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
Note to self; pass out on the floor…
As I was reading some on-line news today I came across this story and it got me to thinking.
Woman kills husband with folding couch
By Denis Pinchuk
Wed Jul 9, 12:17 PM ET
ST PETERSBURG (Reuters) - A Russian woman in St Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday.
St Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.
The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.
The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.
Police refused to comment.
The St Petersburg Emergency Services Ministry said a private rescue service removed the man's body.
Video on the television channel's website showed emergency workers sawing away the side panels of a couch to remove a man in his underwear lying headfirst between the cushions.
Emergency workers said the man died instantly.
So not only did she kill him, she left and came back later because he was sleeping too quietly. She was about to F him up royally. You know the words “get your lazy, drunk ass out of that couch!” were being said as she walked in.
And I got a feeling that she’s not some dainty little 5 foot tall 100 pound blond. I bet she looks like the caption of the Russian women’s wrestling team. I bet that she can bench press a Volvo.
Let’s play this forward, say she gets acquitted or what ever and somehow a guy is crazy enough to date here. Then they fall in love and decide to get married. Then they go to pick out “their” furniture. How nervous is this guy going to be? You know he will be checking out all of the crevasses in every piece of furniture. Do you think he will flinch every time she picks up a lamp? I mean you would have to be leery of anyone who uses furniture to kill people. Do you think for her that going to Haverty’s is like going to a gun and knife show for the Beltway Snipers?
Let me just say that you know this is one bad bitch if she killed her husband with a Futon!
Don’t get dead
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
Woman kills husband with folding couch
By Denis Pinchuk
Wed Jul 9, 12:17 PM ET
ST PETERSBURG (Reuters) - A Russian woman in St Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday.
St Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.
The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.
The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.
Police refused to comment.
The St Petersburg Emergency Services Ministry said a private rescue service removed the man's body.
Video on the television channel's website showed emergency workers sawing away the side panels of a couch to remove a man in his underwear lying headfirst between the cushions.
Emergency workers said the man died instantly.
So not only did she kill him, she left and came back later because he was sleeping too quietly. She was about to F him up royally. You know the words “get your lazy, drunk ass out of that couch!” were being said as she walked in.
And I got a feeling that she’s not some dainty little 5 foot tall 100 pound blond. I bet she looks like the caption of the Russian women’s wrestling team. I bet that she can bench press a Volvo.
Let’s play this forward, say she gets acquitted or what ever and somehow a guy is crazy enough to date here. Then they fall in love and decide to get married. Then they go to pick out “their” furniture. How nervous is this guy going to be? You know he will be checking out all of the crevasses in every piece of furniture. Do you think he will flinch every time she picks up a lamp? I mean you would have to be leery of anyone who uses furniture to kill people. Do you think for her that going to Haverty’s is like going to a gun and knife show for the Beltway Snipers?
Let me just say that you know this is one bad bitch if she killed her husband with a Futon!
Don’t get dead
www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com
Monday, June 30, 2008
The Fourth of July is almost here!!
And hospitals all over the country are getting their burn units ready! The good times are about to roll. Oh and my wife wont let our children get anywhere near fireworks. Want to know why? Because they have my DNA in them, that’s why. Let me hip you cool cats to some history.
As it draws closer and closer to the holiday we have noticed children playing with fireworks. First it was some kids throwing those little white paper things that pop when they hit something hard. That’s cute, little kids jump when they throw them at each others feet. One day we saw some kids who were throwing firecrackers at each other, my wife made a comment on how dangerous it was and I, without even realizing I did it, said “lightweights”. This is where I should have given myself temporary amnesia or something but NOOOO I couldn’t let me ego go unnoticed, I had to say something.
I don’t know how many of you know this, but I have a brother, an older brother. Not only is he older, he is six years older than I am. So yeah, we got into a lot of trouble as kids. You ever watch that cartoon “Pinky and the Brain”? Want to wager a bet as to who was who? So yeah, hell yeah, I got burn scars all over my body. Roman candle here, bottle rocket there and so on. You see, not only is my brother the brains in many of our operations, he and I both have my fathers DNA in us too and my dad was an extremist. For example, our pool only needed a ½ horsepower motor for the pump, but my dad had a 1 ½ hp motor put on it. (Can you hear the Tim the Toolman Taylor grunt? Agh agh agh, more power!!) At one point you could wakeboard in our pool from the jets. So yeah, we might tend to go overboard just a bit from time to time.
So anyway, back to why I should have kept my mouth shut. After I made my little comment I proceeded to tell my wife how when I was younger we used to have full on bottle rocket wars. There was one time that if you didn’t know better you would think that we were getting ready to go on a special ops mission to capture Castro ourselves. We had those brown paper grocery sacks full of fireworks (see going overboard comment above). If it exploded, we had it. If it flew AND exploded we had a lot of them. Then we put our game plan together. Not only did we shoot self propelled explosives at the neighbors (they shot back, its ok) we improvised some ourselves.
So there the Brain and I are, ready to release shock and awe on the neighborhood. The first part of the plan was the smoke screen, literally. We took a propane touch, which we used to light everything with, and lit the fuses on bags and bags of smoke bombs and throw them all up and down the street as close to the “enemy” as we could get them. You couldn’t see their house any more we had lit so many smoke bombs. Then we unleashed a barrage of roman candle fire upon them. But that just didn’t have the right kick, we need more firepower!! So we found a piece of metal fence post and used it as a bazooka. Yeah, there I am posed like one of those little green Army men, my brother behind me with the blow torch and dozens and dozens of bottle rockets. We didn’t even unwrap them, we just lit the whole damn thing and shoved them in the end of this pipe which I had aimed at the neighbors house. They never knew how many of what was coming at them, poor souls.
But it wasn’t just the bottle rocket wars, I couldn’t stop there. Once while at one of the neighborhood kids house I just happen to be in the process of sitting down on their porch when one of them light a bottle rocket that they were going to shoot across the front of the porch. Yeah, I timed it just right and caught right between my butt and the porch. I also have a really nice fireball shaped scar on my leg where, in the mist of a roman candle war where we were about 12 feet away from each other, I got shot in the leg and the fireball went into the top of my untied high top tennis shoe. Not only did it hit me in the leg, my shoe held it against my ankle. One of the kids across the street shot his brother in the chest with a whistler which blow his shirt to pieces and left him with some nice small burn marks.
So I may have ruined the Fourth of July and New Years for my kids.
Don’t get dead
As it draws closer and closer to the holiday we have noticed children playing with fireworks. First it was some kids throwing those little white paper things that pop when they hit something hard. That’s cute, little kids jump when they throw them at each others feet. One day we saw some kids who were throwing firecrackers at each other, my wife made a comment on how dangerous it was and I, without even realizing I did it, said “lightweights”. This is where I should have given myself temporary amnesia or something but NOOOO I couldn’t let me ego go unnoticed, I had to say something.
I don’t know how many of you know this, but I have a brother, an older brother. Not only is he older, he is six years older than I am. So yeah, we got into a lot of trouble as kids. You ever watch that cartoon “Pinky and the Brain”? Want to wager a bet as to who was who? So yeah, hell yeah, I got burn scars all over my body. Roman candle here, bottle rocket there and so on. You see, not only is my brother the brains in many of our operations, he and I both have my fathers DNA in us too and my dad was an extremist. For example, our pool only needed a ½ horsepower motor for the pump, but my dad had a 1 ½ hp motor put on it. (Can you hear the Tim the Toolman Taylor grunt? Agh agh agh, more power!!) At one point you could wakeboard in our pool from the jets. So yeah, we might tend to go overboard just a bit from time to time.
So anyway, back to why I should have kept my mouth shut. After I made my little comment I proceeded to tell my wife how when I was younger we used to have full on bottle rocket wars. There was one time that if you didn’t know better you would think that we were getting ready to go on a special ops mission to capture Castro ourselves. We had those brown paper grocery sacks full of fireworks (see going overboard comment above). If it exploded, we had it. If it flew AND exploded we had a lot of them. Then we put our game plan together. Not only did we shoot self propelled explosives at the neighbors (they shot back, its ok) we improvised some ourselves.
So there the Brain and I are, ready to release shock and awe on the neighborhood. The first part of the plan was the smoke screen, literally. We took a propane touch, which we used to light everything with, and lit the fuses on bags and bags of smoke bombs and throw them all up and down the street as close to the “enemy” as we could get them. You couldn’t see their house any more we had lit so many smoke bombs. Then we unleashed a barrage of roman candle fire upon them. But that just didn’t have the right kick, we need more firepower!! So we found a piece of metal fence post and used it as a bazooka. Yeah, there I am posed like one of those little green Army men, my brother behind me with the blow torch and dozens and dozens of bottle rockets. We didn’t even unwrap them, we just lit the whole damn thing and shoved them in the end of this pipe which I had aimed at the neighbors house. They never knew how many of what was coming at them, poor souls.
But it wasn’t just the bottle rocket wars, I couldn’t stop there. Once while at one of the neighborhood kids house I just happen to be in the process of sitting down on their porch when one of them light a bottle rocket that they were going to shoot across the front of the porch. Yeah, I timed it just right and caught right between my butt and the porch. I also have a really nice fireball shaped scar on my leg where, in the mist of a roman candle war where we were about 12 feet away from each other, I got shot in the leg and the fireball went into the top of my untied high top tennis shoe. Not only did it hit me in the leg, my shoe held it against my ankle. One of the kids across the street shot his brother in the chest with a whistler which blow his shirt to pieces and left him with some nice small burn marks.
So I may have ruined the Fourth of July and New Years for my kids.
Don’t get dead
Sometimes I worry about people …
… and sometimes I just don’t give a crap.
The other day as I was leaving my building I stopped to talk to a co-worker and we see a guy from our building walking by. No big deal, except we were there talking for several minutes and this guy walks by again, going to same direction.
So let me set the scene for you. It is Friday afternoon around 5:30 pm-ish or so, the mercury is touching triple digits, this guy is wearing khakis and a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves pushed up above his elbows and hiking boots with more keys on his belt than Bookman the superintendent from “Good Times”. I tell you, this guy is “unique”. He often wears his camouflage fatigue jacket and these fingerless gloves. One time I thought he wore them when he works out and was on his way to the gym or something, nope, come to find out he is a “professional typist” (insert eye roll here). I guess typing with your fingers gives you calluses on your palms in crazy world. This is the guy that I vote most likely to go postal.
This is the guy who is screaming for someone to pay attention to him but has the personality of a hemorrhoid. He actually brought some piece of wooden crap into the office one day saying that he was going to meet with a “client” and they wanted to see some of his work. And he kept bragging about how it was “all hand made”. Well no joke. If I bought something like that and thought it came from a manufacturing plant I would wonder why the zoo was letting the animals design machinery to do wood working. Look me and my kids could make better looking furniture than this crap. But even if it was good, why bring it into the office? Truly sad.
So the third time or so that he walks by we jokingly ask him if he forgot where he parked and in a real pissy tone he tell us that he is “exercising” as he stopped to light another smoke. I am guessing that he is trying out of the dumbass Olympics or something because in my building is an air conditioned gym that is free. I guess Corky must like to smell like a fresh bowl of vomit.
I can see the wanting to get in some exercise but when you are doing so many unhealthy things in an effort to try to get healthy, aren’t you voiding any good that you could be doing? Yeah, you are getting some exercise by walking but I am sure that smoke you are having while walking is somewhat counterproductive to the walking. And why not wear something that won’t cause you to get heat stroke? Maybe it was a slow suicide or something. Or maybe he wanted a seat to himself on the bus or something.
Back to not caring now.
Don’t get dead
The other day as I was leaving my building I stopped to talk to a co-worker and we see a guy from our building walking by. No big deal, except we were there talking for several minutes and this guy walks by again, going to same direction.
So let me set the scene for you. It is Friday afternoon around 5:30 pm-ish or so, the mercury is touching triple digits, this guy is wearing khakis and a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves pushed up above his elbows and hiking boots with more keys on his belt than Bookman the superintendent from “Good Times”. I tell you, this guy is “unique”. He often wears his camouflage fatigue jacket and these fingerless gloves. One time I thought he wore them when he works out and was on his way to the gym or something, nope, come to find out he is a “professional typist” (insert eye roll here). I guess typing with your fingers gives you calluses on your palms in crazy world. This is the guy that I vote most likely to go postal.
This is the guy who is screaming for someone to pay attention to him but has the personality of a hemorrhoid. He actually brought some piece of wooden crap into the office one day saying that he was going to meet with a “client” and they wanted to see some of his work. And he kept bragging about how it was “all hand made”. Well no joke. If I bought something like that and thought it came from a manufacturing plant I would wonder why the zoo was letting the animals design machinery to do wood working. Look me and my kids could make better looking furniture than this crap. But even if it was good, why bring it into the office? Truly sad.
So the third time or so that he walks by we jokingly ask him if he forgot where he parked and in a real pissy tone he tell us that he is “exercising” as he stopped to light another smoke. I am guessing that he is trying out of the dumbass Olympics or something because in my building is an air conditioned gym that is free. I guess Corky must like to smell like a fresh bowl of vomit.
I can see the wanting to get in some exercise but when you are doing so many unhealthy things in an effort to try to get healthy, aren’t you voiding any good that you could be doing? Yeah, you are getting some exercise by walking but I am sure that smoke you are having while walking is somewhat counterproductive to the walking. And why not wear something that won’t cause you to get heat stroke? Maybe it was a slow suicide or something. Or maybe he wanted a seat to himself on the bus or something.
Back to not caring now.
Don’t get dead
Friday, June 27, 2008
URL
In case this link is a bit much to remember, there is what may be easier to remember URL that forwards to this blog. The URL is www.ItAintEasyBeingSweezey.com because it damn sure aint easy.
At some point I would like to do more with the page but I just don’t have time at this point.
At some point I would like to do more with the page but I just don’t have time at this point.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Cell Phones and Dumbasses
How many times does some idiot have to say “Hello” until they realize that there is no one on the other end of the damn phone? I just witnessed someone say hello into a phone 17,323,793 times, each time saying it louder than the time before. Sometimes saying it so fast that even if there was someone there they would not have an opportunity to answer.
Here’s a free tip for you, pull the phone away from your head and see if it has the word “connected” or something that would indicate that you are actually on a call before you machinegun your greeting at near deafening volumes. That is unless you like making yourself out to be a complete tool, then carry on as you were.
If you really want to speak to the person, call them back. I don’t think there has been a cell phone made in the last couple of decades that didn’t have this nifty caller id feature. I know it’s crazy but since you looked it when just prior to flipping your phone open, how about calling that number back. I know it’s crazy but the person who answers just may be the one calling you!
And while I am on my little technology tirade if you are using your earpiece while yelling and holding your phone up about head high, just put the thing to your ear you moron. If you are holding the phone head hi and having to yell, isn’t that sort of defeating the purpose of the ear piece? I hope like hell you are not in charge of Government spending.
Oh, and I may be one of the last people on earth who has a home phone, so if you call me at home DO NOT TELL ME THAT I AM BREAKING UP, your phone is breaking up, my hard wired home phone does not break up.
Don’t get dead
Here’s a free tip for you, pull the phone away from your head and see if it has the word “connected” or something that would indicate that you are actually on a call before you machinegun your greeting at near deafening volumes. That is unless you like making yourself out to be a complete tool, then carry on as you were.
If you really want to speak to the person, call them back. I don’t think there has been a cell phone made in the last couple of decades that didn’t have this nifty caller id feature. I know it’s crazy but since you looked it when just prior to flipping your phone open, how about calling that number back. I know it’s crazy but the person who answers just may be the one calling you!
And while I am on my little technology tirade if you are using your earpiece while yelling and holding your phone up about head high, just put the thing to your ear you moron. If you are holding the phone head hi and having to yell, isn’t that sort of defeating the purpose of the ear piece? I hope like hell you are not in charge of Government spending.
Oh, and I may be one of the last people on earth who has a home phone, so if you call me at home DO NOT TELL ME THAT I AM BREAKING UP, your phone is breaking up, my hard wired home phone does not break up.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, June 19, 2008
TV really sucks
As I have stated before, I don’t watch a lot of television. I simply don’t have time. I do good if I catch the news. So tonight I was taking a break from life and watching some TV both with and without my family. And I realized that most TV now is crap. Just about everything you see is either “reality” TV or it is a show from the past rehashed.
Think about it, American Idol and Country Idol or what ever the hell it is called is just a modern version of “The Gong Show” with a twist. And “America’s Got Talent”, well that is just “Real People” from the 80’s. This show that I got to watch part of tonight called “Fear Itself”, although a good show so far, looks an awful lot like “Quantum Leap” to me.
And if those weren’t bad enough, we have the new ”American Gladiators” with the Hulkster (LOL). Which is kind of a double rehash.
But fear not! We have reached what has got to be the bottom of the barrel with “Celebrity Family Feud”, yeah… it can’t get much worse than that. So it has to get better from here, right?
And I think it has started to get better. There is a show that I really like, at least the few times that I have been able to watch it. It is on the USA network and it is called “Burn Notice”. I can’t think of anything else that I have seen that it seems to be like. And there is a reality show coming up that looks like it should be good. It’s called “The Baby Borrowers” and it’s about teenagers taking care of babies. Even the network is advertising it as birth control. I imagine after this show, those kids wont even want to think about sex. I plan to TiVo it, haha.
Don’t get dead
Think about it, American Idol and Country Idol or what ever the hell it is called is just a modern version of “The Gong Show” with a twist. And “America’s Got Talent”, well that is just “Real People” from the 80’s. This show that I got to watch part of tonight called “Fear Itself”, although a good show so far, looks an awful lot like “Quantum Leap” to me.
And if those weren’t bad enough, we have the new ”American Gladiators” with the Hulkster (LOL). Which is kind of a double rehash.
But fear not! We have reached what has got to be the bottom of the barrel with “Celebrity Family Feud”, yeah… it can’t get much worse than that. So it has to get better from here, right?
And I think it has started to get better. There is a show that I really like, at least the few times that I have been able to watch it. It is on the USA network and it is called “Burn Notice”. I can’t think of anything else that I have seen that it seems to be like. And there is a reality show coming up that looks like it should be good. It’s called “The Baby Borrowers” and it’s about teenagers taking care of babies. Even the network is advertising it as birth control. I imagine after this show, those kids wont even want to think about sex. I plan to TiVo it, haha.
Don’t get dead
How the times have not changed
I was hanging out and watching TV earlier with my kids, because I am cool like that. And as I was looking through the guide I saw that Scooby Doo was on, hell yeah that’s a classic. As we are watching it I noticed something that, something that happens on every episode.
Want to guess what it is? Nope, not old man Johnson trying to scare off the kids, not the Inn keeper wearing a mask, not even Shaggy saying Zoiks!
It is Velma loosing her glasses. That bitch looses her glasses on every episode. I have been watching Scooby Doo for at least 30 years and for 30 years this retard has been getting her glasses knocked off of her face and temporarily loosing them. You would think that in 30 years someone would have clued her into lasik or at the very least contacts. But NOOOO she has to keep those damn coke bottles.
You can tell that this is an older cartoon because there is no way that this would fly if this was a new show.
If this was a new show Velma would have lasik, the mystery machine would be a hydrid, Fred would be a metrosexual, Shaggy and Scooby would be hosting a reality show and Daphne would be in rehab.
Don’t get dead
Want to guess what it is? Nope, not old man Johnson trying to scare off the kids, not the Inn keeper wearing a mask, not even Shaggy saying Zoiks!
It is Velma loosing her glasses. That bitch looses her glasses on every episode. I have been watching Scooby Doo for at least 30 years and for 30 years this retard has been getting her glasses knocked off of her face and temporarily loosing them. You would think that in 30 years someone would have clued her into lasik or at the very least contacts. But NOOOO she has to keep those damn coke bottles.
You can tell that this is an older cartoon because there is no way that this would fly if this was a new show.
If this was a new show Velma would have lasik, the mystery machine would be a hydrid, Fred would be a metrosexual, Shaggy and Scooby would be hosting a reality show and Daphne would be in rehab.
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The worst diet ever!
Earlier today I got a wild hair to check and see what was in my e-mails spam folder. I am sure that I am not alone in getting some of the weirdest stuff as spam. There are always credit report offers, you won some contest (that you didn’t sign up for), free gold, lost loved ones looking for you, prescription medicines on-line, work from home and of course penis enlarger e-mails. But today one jumped out at me because it was a bit different.
It was similar to several other spam e-mails that I have seen but was just a bit different. The subject of the e-mail was “SHED Up To 20LBS: FREE Trail” which seems like a pretty good deal right? I mean it would be nice to drop up to 20 pounds and if I didn’t and it didn’t cost me anything all the better! But there was something, something else that just seemed odd about this one. Oh, I see it now, the sender. Right there under the “From” column was who was sending me the very prestigious offer, it was from “COLON CURE!” I shit you not (pun intended).
So let’s think about this. Someone who is concerned about problems with my colon is also going to help me drop up to 20 pounds. I wonder what the connection is.
I mean I would like to drop 20 pounds. It is swimsuit season after all. So I HAD to open the e-mail!! What wonder of modern science was waiting for me in this e-mail!?
The first thing you see is this EXTREMELY happy looking couple with great big smiles on their face, wonder why they are so happy? Well what do you know? It is a pill that will help me “cleanse” my colon. No wonder they are so happy.
Let’s think about this shall we. If there is 20 pounds of shit in your colon and this wonder pill is going to help you rid yourself of it, one would imagine that you are going to spend a LOT of time on the toilet. So it wont matter what size those jeans are if they are going to be around your ankles all summer. Hell, I can wear a 25 inch waistband if they won’t get above my knees.
And if you have 20 pounds of crap in your colon, YOUR COLON, wouldn’t you have some sort of deformity or a hump on your side or something? I mean I don’t know exactly how big a normal colon is but I know how big 20 pounds of shit is and I am willing to bet I don’t have ANY organs that big!
And even if you don’t have the 20 pounds in your colon I guess I can see how you could loose up to 20 pounds as you will be RUNNING to the bathroom every few minutes while trying to lead a normal life. Start some laundry and trot your happy ass to the bathroom, come out, check some e-mail, jog back to the toilet, turn on the TV, SPRINT back to the can. A treadmill has nothing on this.
But there is more, the product is free. All I would have to do is to pay $3.95 for shipping and handling. This has got to be too good to be true! How in the world could someone GIVE AWAY this wonderful product? My guess is that it is made by the Charmin people or something. Seems like they would have a vested interest in getting this product out to the masses.
But I can’t leave off the attention getting graphics on the right side of this e-mail. From the top down they are read “Satisfaction Guaranteed or your Money Back!”. First off, you said it was a free trial, you going to send me my whopping $3.95 back for shipping? And secondly, I don’t think I would want to speak to anyone who had violated me like that. Keep the four bucks. Then down from that is “Purify, Cleanse, Look Better, Feel Better!”. No! I do not feel better when I am trying to push a side of beef out of my ass. Maybe after said side of beef has passed I will feel better but that would require surgery and pain killers. And who looks better after that? How bad do you look now that you will look “better” after you have just crapped a wombat? I think they mean you will look tired. But if this wasn’t enough, at the bottom there was a graphic that reads “New Year! New You! Get a flatter tummy and a cleaner, healthier body!”. New year? Bitch it’s the middle of June, you are just about as far away from a new year as you can get. Marketing geniuses I tell ya. And flatter tummy, how about concave tummy.
Don’t get dead
It was similar to several other spam e-mails that I have seen but was just a bit different. The subject of the e-mail was “SHED Up To 20LBS: FREE Trail” which seems like a pretty good deal right? I mean it would be nice to drop up to 20 pounds and if I didn’t and it didn’t cost me anything all the better! But there was something, something else that just seemed odd about this one. Oh, I see it now, the sender. Right there under the “From” column was who was sending me the very prestigious offer, it was from “COLON CURE!” I shit you not (pun intended).
So let’s think about this. Someone who is concerned about problems with my colon is also going to help me drop up to 20 pounds. I wonder what the connection is.
I mean I would like to drop 20 pounds. It is swimsuit season after all. So I HAD to open the e-mail!! What wonder of modern science was waiting for me in this e-mail!?
The first thing you see is this EXTREMELY happy looking couple with great big smiles on their face, wonder why they are so happy? Well what do you know? It is a pill that will help me “cleanse” my colon. No wonder they are so happy.
Let’s think about this shall we. If there is 20 pounds of shit in your colon and this wonder pill is going to help you rid yourself of it, one would imagine that you are going to spend a LOT of time on the toilet. So it wont matter what size those jeans are if they are going to be around your ankles all summer. Hell, I can wear a 25 inch waistband if they won’t get above my knees.
And if you have 20 pounds of crap in your colon, YOUR COLON, wouldn’t you have some sort of deformity or a hump on your side or something? I mean I don’t know exactly how big a normal colon is but I know how big 20 pounds of shit is and I am willing to bet I don’t have ANY organs that big!
And even if you don’t have the 20 pounds in your colon I guess I can see how you could loose up to 20 pounds as you will be RUNNING to the bathroom every few minutes while trying to lead a normal life. Start some laundry and trot your happy ass to the bathroom, come out, check some e-mail, jog back to the toilet, turn on the TV, SPRINT back to the can. A treadmill has nothing on this.
But there is more, the product is free. All I would have to do is to pay $3.95 for shipping and handling. This has got to be too good to be true! How in the world could someone GIVE AWAY this wonderful product? My guess is that it is made by the Charmin people or something. Seems like they would have a vested interest in getting this product out to the masses.
But I can’t leave off the attention getting graphics on the right side of this e-mail. From the top down they are read “Satisfaction Guaranteed or your Money Back!”. First off, you said it was a free trial, you going to send me my whopping $3.95 back for shipping? And secondly, I don’t think I would want to speak to anyone who had violated me like that. Keep the four bucks. Then down from that is “Purify, Cleanse, Look Better, Feel Better!”. No! I do not feel better when I am trying to push a side of beef out of my ass. Maybe after said side of beef has passed I will feel better but that would require surgery and pain killers. And who looks better after that? How bad do you look now that you will look “better” after you have just crapped a wombat? I think they mean you will look tired. But if this wasn’t enough, at the bottom there was a graphic that reads “New Year! New You! Get a flatter tummy and a cleaner, healthier body!”. New year? Bitch it’s the middle of June, you are just about as far away from a new year as you can get. Marketing geniuses I tell ya. And flatter tummy, how about concave tummy.
Don’t get dead
Monday, June 16, 2008
A Brand New Car!!
With the price of gas skyrocketing and showing no signs of slowing down, a lot of people are looking into buying new cars. What a Mammoth, royal pain in the ass this is. I have pissed off more car salesmen than George W. Bush has liberals. I just hate the games and I have a solution, I don’t haggle with them. And no, I am not stupid enough to pay their asking price. I just get tired of the time-wasting BS that you have to sit through, so I don’t let the salesmen be in control of the deal.
While buying a new car one time I let the salesman approach me and we begin the process. Of course he wanted to know what I had to trade in. To which I told him not to worry about that part until we agree on the price of the new car. He didn’t dig this but it’s my money, it’s my rules. So he ask me to come inside and let’s “run the numbers”. What he didn’t know was that I had done my research and had the deal cost & the invoice pricing with me. I also had dealer cost on all of the upgrades on the car.
So we are sitting at his desk and he is going through his typical line of BS which I let him finish. Again he tries to get my keys to see what my trade-in was worth. You know, to “speed up the process” while we are doing the paper work. Yeah, we aren’t going to do that until we agree on a price and I tell him that if you ask me for my keys again before we agree on the price that I will leave. I guess he understood because he had this dog with his tail between his legs look to him.
So we are sitting there and he tells me that the car cost $X and I tell him, “You know, that is more than the sticker price on the car right now” and he actually thinks that I am going to fall for this line of “Well the price I gave you is the MSRP and …” to which I tell him to “Stop right there, that is not MSRP, you need to go check your facts. The MSRP on this car is $X”. This guy is already pissing me off but I figure I will see what kind of deal we can work. So he says the words I was waiting to hear “we can probably come off of that a little bit, but I will have to go talk to my manager”. I love this, because this is when my method is the most effective. I looked him straight in the eye and tell him “You got one time, you tell your manager to come back with your best offer if it is in the price range that I am willing to pay we will do business, if not I will get out of your hair.” He has this puzzled look on his face and gets up and goes to the managers office for a few minutes. When he comes back he says we were able to get the car down to $X (not quite three hundred dollars under the sticker price). To which I thank him and tell him that I will be trying somewhere else. He is stumbling and mumbling like a fool and all but begging me to sit back down. “Mr. Sweezey, wait … Mr. Sweezey, let me go back and talk to him some more. Mr. Sweezey, come on now.” To which I told him, “What did I tell you? I told you that you had one shot and that was it, I don’t have time for you to go back and forth all day” He was trying to tell me how it was a negotiating process and blah blah blah. To which I replied that I don’t negotiate very well and that at this rate it was going to take a LONG time to get to the price I am willing to pay. After a brief conversation on the sales floor I busted out with the invoice pricing and the dealer cost which dumbfounded him. He looked at the prices and said “well yeah, those are right”. To which he said how about you sit back down and let talk some more? How about I bend over and you lick my butthole.
Before I could get to my car FOUR people came up to me pretty much begging me to stay and deal with them. I explained the way that I do business and that their salesmen wasn’t willing to work with me. Tah tah.
So I go to another dealership in the area and see the same car and start the processes again. I give the guy the low down that I gave the previous guy. Same song and dance, and I even told him, if you don’t think I will walk out on you give this guy a call and gave him the previous guys business card. So we are sitting there and I was just in a pissy mood so I cut to the chase and said to the guy “Look here is dealer cost, here is invice, and here is what I am willing to pay”.
Brace yourselves because this is about to get good.
The looks at me and says “Mr. Sweezey, you don’t want me to make any money on this deal?” I motion for him to come closers and I lean in over the table and tell him “I don’t give a f&$k if you make a penny on this deal.” I wish I had taken a picture of his expression. You would think that I just violated his mother in front of him.
But I will give him credit, he lasted longer than most of the others. So I give him the speech about having one chance with his manager and if we could make it work great and if not I was going to take off. He did well, he came back and was close to what I was willing to pay but I guess he thought he was going to test the waters with me a bit. By that I mean that I thanked him for his time and wished him good luck on selling that car to someone else. In a feverish rush he was working some numbers and said “Depending on your credit that is like $17 a month, would you really walk away from this deal for $17 a month? My reply to him was “Yep”.
Then this assmunch actually had the audacity to say to me “Come on, you got 17 extra dollars a month right” and told him “Not only do I have $17 a month, I will be keeping that $17 a month.” Again he says I can’t believe you would walk away from this deal over less than $20 a month. Mister, I will walk way from this deal over a quarter. Then he says it’s not really that much difference, hardly anything. So I say “Ok, you pay it then!” He didn’t like that option either. So I take off from this dealership. Sorry buddy but it’s not my problem that you made a piss-pour career choice.
Don’t get dead
While buying a new car one time I let the salesman approach me and we begin the process. Of course he wanted to know what I had to trade in. To which I told him not to worry about that part until we agree on the price of the new car. He didn’t dig this but it’s my money, it’s my rules. So he ask me to come inside and let’s “run the numbers”. What he didn’t know was that I had done my research and had the deal cost & the invoice pricing with me. I also had dealer cost on all of the upgrades on the car.
So we are sitting at his desk and he is going through his typical line of BS which I let him finish. Again he tries to get my keys to see what my trade-in was worth. You know, to “speed up the process” while we are doing the paper work. Yeah, we aren’t going to do that until we agree on a price and I tell him that if you ask me for my keys again before we agree on the price that I will leave. I guess he understood because he had this dog with his tail between his legs look to him.
So we are sitting there and he tells me that the car cost $X and I tell him, “You know, that is more than the sticker price on the car right now” and he actually thinks that I am going to fall for this line of “Well the price I gave you is the MSRP and …” to which I tell him to “Stop right there, that is not MSRP, you need to go check your facts. The MSRP on this car is $X”. This guy is already pissing me off but I figure I will see what kind of deal we can work. So he says the words I was waiting to hear “we can probably come off of that a little bit, but I will have to go talk to my manager”. I love this, because this is when my method is the most effective. I looked him straight in the eye and tell him “You got one time, you tell your manager to come back with your best offer if it is in the price range that I am willing to pay we will do business, if not I will get out of your hair.” He has this puzzled look on his face and gets up and goes to the managers office for a few minutes. When he comes back he says we were able to get the car down to $X (not quite three hundred dollars under the sticker price). To which I thank him and tell him that I will be trying somewhere else. He is stumbling and mumbling like a fool and all but begging me to sit back down. “Mr. Sweezey, wait … Mr. Sweezey, let me go back and talk to him some more. Mr. Sweezey, come on now.” To which I told him, “What did I tell you? I told you that you had one shot and that was it, I don’t have time for you to go back and forth all day” He was trying to tell me how it was a negotiating process and blah blah blah. To which I replied that I don’t negotiate very well and that at this rate it was going to take a LONG time to get to the price I am willing to pay. After a brief conversation on the sales floor I busted out with the invoice pricing and the dealer cost which dumbfounded him. He looked at the prices and said “well yeah, those are right”. To which he said how about you sit back down and let talk some more? How about I bend over and you lick my butthole.
Before I could get to my car FOUR people came up to me pretty much begging me to stay and deal with them. I explained the way that I do business and that their salesmen wasn’t willing to work with me. Tah tah.
So I go to another dealership in the area and see the same car and start the processes again. I give the guy the low down that I gave the previous guy. Same song and dance, and I even told him, if you don’t think I will walk out on you give this guy a call and gave him the previous guys business card. So we are sitting there and I was just in a pissy mood so I cut to the chase and said to the guy “Look here is dealer cost, here is invice, and here is what I am willing to pay”.
Brace yourselves because this is about to get good.
The looks at me and says “Mr. Sweezey, you don’t want me to make any money on this deal?” I motion for him to come closers and I lean in over the table and tell him “I don’t give a f&$k if you make a penny on this deal.” I wish I had taken a picture of his expression. You would think that I just violated his mother in front of him.
But I will give him credit, he lasted longer than most of the others. So I give him the speech about having one chance with his manager and if we could make it work great and if not I was going to take off. He did well, he came back and was close to what I was willing to pay but I guess he thought he was going to test the waters with me a bit. By that I mean that I thanked him for his time and wished him good luck on selling that car to someone else. In a feverish rush he was working some numbers and said “Depending on your credit that is like $17 a month, would you really walk away from this deal for $17 a month? My reply to him was “Yep”.
Then this assmunch actually had the audacity to say to me “Come on, you got 17 extra dollars a month right” and told him “Not only do I have $17 a month, I will be keeping that $17 a month.” Again he says I can’t believe you would walk away from this deal over less than $20 a month. Mister, I will walk way from this deal over a quarter. Then he says it’s not really that much difference, hardly anything. So I say “Ok, you pay it then!” He didn’t like that option either. So I take off from this dealership. Sorry buddy but it’s not my problem that you made a piss-pour career choice.
Don’t get dead
Monday, June 09, 2008
Summer Fun
Ahh yes, school is out and the youth of America have gone wild. All is right in the world. But isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you are out of school for the summer?
I remember one summer when I lived in Tampa that I am surprised I lived thorough it. Not that I did anything all that dangerous (well not that relates to this story) but that I just did stupid shit. If being a moron wasn’t going to kill me, the punishment from my parents or my friend’s parents should have!
It was one of those nights where everyone told their parents they were spending the night at someone else’s house and we went out to pretty much be a menace to society. We didn’t do anything “all that bad”, not that we went out and built homeless shelters either. I mean who does construction at 2 in the morning, right?
I remember this one Saturday night so clearly. Me, George, Jamie and Scott were going to go to this party. We heard that there were supposed to be some girls from a different school there and we wanted to go check them out… oh and something about massive amounts of booze.
So there we are getting ready to go out when a bomb was dropped on us like we were in Hiroshima. Jamie’s mom, who was supposed to be out of town, was home. She wasn’t felling well and canceled a trip, that bitch! We wanted to go out and be hoodlums and she’s going to make us be half-way decent kids. We will see about this!
You see since Jamie’s mom was home, Jamie had to be home by midnight. And since we were going to take her car without her knowing it, with her home this was going to be quite a feat. Seeing as how the oldest one of us was probably around 15 we had pretty much blown right by the paddle store and was about to put the canoe into shit creek.
This would be when George and Scott had an idea, which is ALWAYS (repeat ALWAYS) dangerous. Since Jamie’s mom was not feeling well she was probably going to take some medicine to get some sleep… oh hell, I see where he is going with this. He continues with “She’ll be out cold. All we will have to do is push the car into and out of the driveway and we cool!” Sounds like a great idea right, at least on the surface. The jury is still out on if they are geniuses or madmen.
Scott even goes as far as to off to go ride his bike to the store to pick up some medicine if she needed it.
About 9 o’clock we say that we are going to watch a movie in the living room, this should pretty much force Jamie’s mom to go to bed. Which is all part of the master plan. So she retires to her room and we are watching the clock like we are waiting on the Governor to call with our stay of execution.
About 10:30 Jamie goes to check on his mom and says that she is out cold with the TV on. This is perfect, background noise!
We rush into Jamie’s room and change clothes while Jamie goes and gets the car keys. Finally about 11:00 we are all ready to go and we have the car keys, the car in the driveway, Jamie’s mom is just short of a medicated coma and we have background noise, what could go wrong?!
Out the window we go, Scott gets behind the wheel turns the key and puts the car in neutral. We push it out of the driveway. At this point we decided that this was too close to the house and that we needed to push it down the street just a bit, then we decided it was still to close and we push it a little farther. Jamie thinks we are still to close, Jamie’s ass got out voted this time. Hell, we might as well have pushed the car to the party if we kept going. So we fire up the car and off we go to this party.
It was a good party, lots of people there, music cranked up nice and loud and the cops came twice. Not to bad at all.
Now the party has wound down and it’s evident that it is time to go home. It’s not evident because people are leaving or because the cops told us to go home, it is evident because Jamie is pacing by the door like a puppy who needs to go outside and pee. He keeps on doing the head flinch then motioning to the door as if to say “Let’s get the hell out of here”. I am not sure, but I think he might have been nervous. Of course being the kind, passionate, caring people that we were we would hold up the keys to the car, jingle them, hold up a beer with our other hand, point to the beer and then point to girls. Jamie was PISSED! It was quite funny.
We finally give in and head home around 2:30 in the morning. The closer we got to Jamie’s neighborhood the more freaked out Jamie was getting. We wanted to give him a valium enema just so he would chill out.
So we get to the neighborhood and turned off the car to push it down the street and into the driveway. You know those neighborhoods where every third or fourth house looks alike? Well this was one of those neighborhoods. So we are pushing the car down the street just before 3 in the morning and with a bit of a buzz. If you have ever had to push a car before, you know that when you are tired it’s always easier to push it with your ass while you walk backwards, which is exactly what we are doing while Scott (who was the smallest of us) is steering the car. So Scott pulls into a driveway and we proceed to make our way back into the window of Jamie’s bedroom, me first. So I take the screen off and start to make my way into the house. At this point I stop and turn back to George and say “I think we are busted” which George answers with “Why?” and I said because Jamie’s mom put a lamp here. Jamie says “WHAT!?”
This is where the story gets interesting. Right after Jamie’s oh so nonchalant outburst I hear something in the room moving and it says “DADDY!” actually it yelled “DADDY!” It was a young, maybe 8 years old, African-American girl. Right after that, I see hallway lights coming on and this mountain of a man, who must have played on the offensive line for the Buccaneers, comes FLYING into the bedroom wielding a Louisville Slugger. So there I am pushing back against the window frame yelling “LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT!!” while Jamie, George and Scott are pushing me in yelling “GET IN!! GET IN!!” You know how people say if you are in certain situations that your adrenaline kicks in and you have super strength? Like a mom can pick up a car if her baby is trapped under it. That must have been what happened because I so how ended up falling out of the window and Canseco swung for the fences barely missing me and making confetti out of that lamp. I swear I could feel the breeze from that bat.
So yeah, we screamed like little girls. And then just hauled ass. At first, I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew that I was getting the hell out of there and hoping that I could outrun just one of them. Fortunately Kimbo Slice decided not to pursue us. Somehow we all ended up on the side of Jamie’s house out of breath and crouching down for some reason. Feverishly looking over our shoulders. George says “Damn that was close, but we are home now. Everything is cool” I hate to break it to ya there Einstein but Jamie’s moms car is parking down the street at Andre the Giants house and I will be dammed if I am going back for it tonight. To which George replied with “Oh, yeah, forgot about that” and Jamie let out a round of “OH SHIT!” over and over again, about 30 times in a row. Well nothing we can do about it now and we are damn sure busted so I am going to hop my happy ass into the right window and get some sleep, later fellas! Did I mention that Jamie is still freaking out and telling everyone how it was a bad idea? Yeah, he does that from all the time to all the time.
Bright and early the next morning Mr Giant comes pounding on the door and we all collectively answer the door. Our asses were puckered up so tight that we could have been a diamond factory. But we explained what happened to both Jamie’s mom and the Jolly Brown Giant and prepared ourselves for punishment like had never been seen before. I think I am still on restriction.
Lessons learned from this are Jamie is NEVER to be part of any secret or Governmental affairs, The game Password, Surprise Birthday parties, Charades or anything which requires someone to remain calm. Scott can’t tell the difference between shit and shinola. And George and I drink too much.
Don’t get dead
I remember one summer when I lived in Tampa that I am surprised I lived thorough it. Not that I did anything all that dangerous (well not that relates to this story) but that I just did stupid shit. If being a moron wasn’t going to kill me, the punishment from my parents or my friend’s parents should have!
It was one of those nights where everyone told their parents they were spending the night at someone else’s house and we went out to pretty much be a menace to society. We didn’t do anything “all that bad”, not that we went out and built homeless shelters either. I mean who does construction at 2 in the morning, right?
I remember this one Saturday night so clearly. Me, George, Jamie and Scott were going to go to this party. We heard that there were supposed to be some girls from a different school there and we wanted to go check them out… oh and something about massive amounts of booze.
So there we are getting ready to go out when a bomb was dropped on us like we were in Hiroshima. Jamie’s mom, who was supposed to be out of town, was home. She wasn’t felling well and canceled a trip, that bitch! We wanted to go out and be hoodlums and she’s going to make us be half-way decent kids. We will see about this!
You see since Jamie’s mom was home, Jamie had to be home by midnight. And since we were going to take her car without her knowing it, with her home this was going to be quite a feat. Seeing as how the oldest one of us was probably around 15 we had pretty much blown right by the paddle store and was about to put the canoe into shit creek.
This would be when George and Scott had an idea, which is ALWAYS (repeat ALWAYS) dangerous. Since Jamie’s mom was not feeling well she was probably going to take some medicine to get some sleep… oh hell, I see where he is going with this. He continues with “She’ll be out cold. All we will have to do is push the car into and out of the driveway and we cool!” Sounds like a great idea right, at least on the surface. The jury is still out on if they are geniuses or madmen.
Scott even goes as far as to off to go ride his bike to the store to pick up some medicine if she needed it.
About 9 o’clock we say that we are going to watch a movie in the living room, this should pretty much force Jamie’s mom to go to bed. Which is all part of the master plan. So she retires to her room and we are watching the clock like we are waiting on the Governor to call with our stay of execution.
About 10:30 Jamie goes to check on his mom and says that she is out cold with the TV on. This is perfect, background noise!
We rush into Jamie’s room and change clothes while Jamie goes and gets the car keys. Finally about 11:00 we are all ready to go and we have the car keys, the car in the driveway, Jamie’s mom is just short of a medicated coma and we have background noise, what could go wrong?!
Out the window we go, Scott gets behind the wheel turns the key and puts the car in neutral. We push it out of the driveway. At this point we decided that this was too close to the house and that we needed to push it down the street just a bit, then we decided it was still to close and we push it a little farther. Jamie thinks we are still to close, Jamie’s ass got out voted this time. Hell, we might as well have pushed the car to the party if we kept going. So we fire up the car and off we go to this party.
It was a good party, lots of people there, music cranked up nice and loud and the cops came twice. Not to bad at all.
Now the party has wound down and it’s evident that it is time to go home. It’s not evident because people are leaving or because the cops told us to go home, it is evident because Jamie is pacing by the door like a puppy who needs to go outside and pee. He keeps on doing the head flinch then motioning to the door as if to say “Let’s get the hell out of here”. I am not sure, but I think he might have been nervous. Of course being the kind, passionate, caring people that we were we would hold up the keys to the car, jingle them, hold up a beer with our other hand, point to the beer and then point to girls. Jamie was PISSED! It was quite funny.
We finally give in and head home around 2:30 in the morning. The closer we got to Jamie’s neighborhood the more freaked out Jamie was getting. We wanted to give him a valium enema just so he would chill out.
So we get to the neighborhood and turned off the car to push it down the street and into the driveway. You know those neighborhoods where every third or fourth house looks alike? Well this was one of those neighborhoods. So we are pushing the car down the street just before 3 in the morning and with a bit of a buzz. If you have ever had to push a car before, you know that when you are tired it’s always easier to push it with your ass while you walk backwards, which is exactly what we are doing while Scott (who was the smallest of us) is steering the car. So Scott pulls into a driveway and we proceed to make our way back into the window of Jamie’s bedroom, me first. So I take the screen off and start to make my way into the house. At this point I stop and turn back to George and say “I think we are busted” which George answers with “Why?” and I said because Jamie’s mom put a lamp here. Jamie says “WHAT!?”
This is where the story gets interesting. Right after Jamie’s oh so nonchalant outburst I hear something in the room moving and it says “DADDY!” actually it yelled “DADDY!” It was a young, maybe 8 years old, African-American girl. Right after that, I see hallway lights coming on and this mountain of a man, who must have played on the offensive line for the Buccaneers, comes FLYING into the bedroom wielding a Louisville Slugger. So there I am pushing back against the window frame yelling “LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT!!” while Jamie, George and Scott are pushing me in yelling “GET IN!! GET IN!!” You know how people say if you are in certain situations that your adrenaline kicks in and you have super strength? Like a mom can pick up a car if her baby is trapped under it. That must have been what happened because I so how ended up falling out of the window and Canseco swung for the fences barely missing me and making confetti out of that lamp. I swear I could feel the breeze from that bat.
So yeah, we screamed like little girls. And then just hauled ass. At first, I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew that I was getting the hell out of there and hoping that I could outrun just one of them. Fortunately Kimbo Slice decided not to pursue us. Somehow we all ended up on the side of Jamie’s house out of breath and crouching down for some reason. Feverishly looking over our shoulders. George says “Damn that was close, but we are home now. Everything is cool” I hate to break it to ya there Einstein but Jamie’s moms car is parking down the street at Andre the Giants house and I will be dammed if I am going back for it tonight. To which George replied with “Oh, yeah, forgot about that” and Jamie let out a round of “OH SHIT!” over and over again, about 30 times in a row. Well nothing we can do about it now and we are damn sure busted so I am going to hop my happy ass into the right window and get some sleep, later fellas! Did I mention that Jamie is still freaking out and telling everyone how it was a bad idea? Yeah, he does that from all the time to all the time.
Bright and early the next morning Mr Giant comes pounding on the door and we all collectively answer the door. Our asses were puckered up so tight that we could have been a diamond factory. But we explained what happened to both Jamie’s mom and the Jolly Brown Giant and prepared ourselves for punishment like had never been seen before. I think I am still on restriction.
Lessons learned from this are Jamie is NEVER to be part of any secret or Governmental affairs, The game Password, Surprise Birthday parties, Charades or anything which requires someone to remain calm. Scott can’t tell the difference between shit and shinola. And George and I drink too much.
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Energy Crisis …. Solution!
You know how people say the best ideas are most often the simplest? This is true again. I have the solution to gas prices and energy cost as a whole. And the answer is right in front of our faces, so to speak. And this would make everyone happy. The environmentalist, the people who like their big SUVs, hell, maybe even truckers.
What we have to do is to find a way to liquefy methane. Yeah, farts and burps. Laugh all you want, but we all either have or know someone who has lit a fart. So methane is combustible, as in could be used in an internal combustion engine, yes? They can liquefy propane why not methane?
Think about it, an endless supply of free fuel. Hell, if you ask my wife, our house could be a filling station. Give me a six pack and a half dozen tacos from taco bell and I could fill an RV with no problem. So then we would have to do develop something to capture it in. Some sort funnel device or something I would guess and a bag or something to catch the “fuel” in, then you would take it to the liquefying plant and have them turn it into LM (Liquid Methane) for you to fuel your car or whatever off of. And just think about all of those cows. I heard someone say that cow flatulence was destroying the ozone. Now we capture that methane too! I will drive a car powered by cow fart if it is free. No problem!
There would be no drilling, not clearing of forest, no spills from tankers, no harming of animals, OPEC could kiss all of our asses, no dependency on foreign countries. And the damage to the ozone would slow down tremendously. Hell, if we develop the technology here and we don’t share it, the rest of the world might be dependant on us.
And if we do it right we could have liquefaction machines in our home, you would not have to leave home to fill up. You might even be able to fuel your own home. Fart heated water, burp fueled home electric plant. Use natural gas to cook with, now you can use cow fart, I mean LM gas. The possibilities are quite vast.
The exhaust might be a mother, but we could deal with it I am sure. Hell that might create more jobs, instead of catalytic converters, flatulence converters. Or maybe someone will develop an additive to make it smell better or not at all, like fabreeze. I see companies popping up all over the place.
The Gas-X and Bean-O companies may go out of business but that’s a topic for another time.
Yeah, I know, GENIUS! Off to the paten office.
Don’t get dead.
What we have to do is to find a way to liquefy methane. Yeah, farts and burps. Laugh all you want, but we all either have or know someone who has lit a fart. So methane is combustible, as in could be used in an internal combustion engine, yes? They can liquefy propane why not methane?
Think about it, an endless supply of free fuel. Hell, if you ask my wife, our house could be a filling station. Give me a six pack and a half dozen tacos from taco bell and I could fill an RV with no problem. So then we would have to do develop something to capture it in. Some sort funnel device or something I would guess and a bag or something to catch the “fuel” in, then you would take it to the liquefying plant and have them turn it into LM (Liquid Methane) for you to fuel your car or whatever off of. And just think about all of those cows. I heard someone say that cow flatulence was destroying the ozone. Now we capture that methane too! I will drive a car powered by cow fart if it is free. No problem!
There would be no drilling, not clearing of forest, no spills from tankers, no harming of animals, OPEC could kiss all of our asses, no dependency on foreign countries. And the damage to the ozone would slow down tremendously. Hell, if we develop the technology here and we don’t share it, the rest of the world might be dependant on us.
And if we do it right we could have liquefaction machines in our home, you would not have to leave home to fill up. You might even be able to fuel your own home. Fart heated water, burp fueled home electric plant. Use natural gas to cook with, now you can use cow fart, I mean LM gas. The possibilities are quite vast.
The exhaust might be a mother, but we could deal with it I am sure. Hell that might create more jobs, instead of catalytic converters, flatulence converters. Or maybe someone will develop an additive to make it smell better or not at all, like fabreeze. I see companies popping up all over the place.
The Gas-X and Bean-O companies may go out of business but that’s a topic for another time.
Yeah, I know, GENIUS! Off to the paten office.
Don’t get dead.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Dear Sweezey 5/21/08
Dear Sweezey,
Why is your advice always to “whore it up a bit”?
Thanks,
Awesome in Austin
Dear Awesome,
I am just trying to make the world a better place.
Not satisfied with that answer? I am just trying to make everyone happy. I assume that you are talking about my previous Dear Sweezey blog. That woman wanted to date, I gave her a method to get dates.
Plus, it really is a win/win situation. You women have no idea how much power you have. You want to know how much power you have? I had not even thought about getting married and then bam! Walking down the isle. Kids? I never thought about having kids, bam! Got two. And it’s not just life changing events, I can be asleep in bed and hear “do you want ice cream? I think that I would like ice cream.” The next thing that I know my happy ass is dressed and on my way to the store. The force aint got shit on that!
So why do I advise that women whore it up? Because I know what guys want and if guys get what they want, women will get what they want and everyone is happy. So kick the whore up a bit and who knows, we might have world peace.
Thanks,
Sweezey
Don’t get dead.
Why is your advice always to “whore it up a bit”?
Thanks,
Awesome in Austin
Dear Awesome,
I am just trying to make the world a better place.
Not satisfied with that answer? I am just trying to make everyone happy. I assume that you are talking about my previous Dear Sweezey blog. That woman wanted to date, I gave her a method to get dates.
Plus, it really is a win/win situation. You women have no idea how much power you have. You want to know how much power you have? I had not even thought about getting married and then bam! Walking down the isle. Kids? I never thought about having kids, bam! Got two. And it’s not just life changing events, I can be asleep in bed and hear “do you want ice cream? I think that I would like ice cream.” The next thing that I know my happy ass is dressed and on my way to the store. The force aint got shit on that!
So why do I advise that women whore it up? Because I know what guys want and if guys get what they want, women will get what they want and everyone is happy. So kick the whore up a bit and who knows, we might have world peace.
Thanks,
Sweezey
Don’t get dead.
Monday, May 19, 2008
More stupid saying
The other day I posted about some of the dumb things that I have heard people say and now it appears to be an epidemic. Maybe it is in my psyche, but now I hear them all of the time.
Like the other day I overheard someone say they would do something “in the drop of a hat”. What does that mean? I assume they mean quickly but what kind of hat are we talking about? Like a sombrero? Or what if it is a top hat? I think those would drop much slower than a baseball cap, which is also a hat. And how high are we dropping said hat from? I mean it could take minutes for a hat to drop from the top of a skyscraper. That’s not an impressive display of speed if you ask me. You always have to take physics into account.
Another one about time is “before they knew what hit them”. Well that’s extremely vague. We could be talking about seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. If you walked into a room that I was in and just hit me from behind that would only be a matter of seconds before I knew what hit me. But what if someone was hit by something and went into a coma. That could be quite a long time. It might be years before they knew what hit them. Is this really the cliché that you want to use when you are trying to convey speed?
Then there are all sort of stupid wagering sayings. Such as “bet your bottom dollar”. Who cares what order it is in, it is still only a dollar. Who cares if it is the bottom dollar, the top dollar or the middle dollar? It is still just a dollar, big deal. Or “dollar to a donut”, what? Aren’t donuts like twenty cents each or something? Is that a deal? And who has the dollar and who had the donut? That’s just stupid.
And is there some sort of time altering parallel that I don’t know about? I have heard the phrase “in a New York minute” which I guess means quickly. But does a New York minute have less than 60 seconds? What is it faster than say a Colorado minute? They doing things on the metric scale in the northeast now? And while in Mexico you where hear the Mayan’s say that something will take “five Mexican minutes”, implying that it will take some time. So if a New York minute is quick and five Mexican minutes is a lengthy bit of time, it would appear to be me that the farther north you go the faster things happen? So why is there six months of darkness in Alaska?
Don't get dead
Like the other day I overheard someone say they would do something “in the drop of a hat”. What does that mean? I assume they mean quickly but what kind of hat are we talking about? Like a sombrero? Or what if it is a top hat? I think those would drop much slower than a baseball cap, which is also a hat. And how high are we dropping said hat from? I mean it could take minutes for a hat to drop from the top of a skyscraper. That’s not an impressive display of speed if you ask me. You always have to take physics into account.
Another one about time is “before they knew what hit them”. Well that’s extremely vague. We could be talking about seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. If you walked into a room that I was in and just hit me from behind that would only be a matter of seconds before I knew what hit me. But what if someone was hit by something and went into a coma. That could be quite a long time. It might be years before they knew what hit them. Is this really the cliché that you want to use when you are trying to convey speed?
Then there are all sort of stupid wagering sayings. Such as “bet your bottom dollar”. Who cares what order it is in, it is still only a dollar. Who cares if it is the bottom dollar, the top dollar or the middle dollar? It is still just a dollar, big deal. Or “dollar to a donut”, what? Aren’t donuts like twenty cents each or something? Is that a deal? And who has the dollar and who had the donut? That’s just stupid.
And is there some sort of time altering parallel that I don’t know about? I have heard the phrase “in a New York minute” which I guess means quickly. But does a New York minute have less than 60 seconds? What is it faster than say a Colorado minute? They doing things on the metric scale in the northeast now? And while in Mexico you where hear the Mayan’s say that something will take “five Mexican minutes”, implying that it will take some time. So if a New York minute is quick and five Mexican minutes is a lengthy bit of time, it would appear to be me that the farther north you go the faster things happen? So why is there six months of darkness in Alaska?
Don't get dead
J. G. Wentworth
Have you seen this stupid commercial for J. G. Wentworth? It’s a commercial where people are waiting on a structured settlement or annuity and my guess is that they will give you a lump sum if you sign over the installment to them, but the commercial is just stupid. A segment of the commercial can be seen here
"http://www.youtube.com/v/dKuO56Jjn0o&hl=en">
The commercial starts out with some yo-yo sitting on his couch getting excited and talking to himself or the television when this man, whom I suppose is J. G. Wentworth himself. Then he and several other people go to their window and yell out “IT’S MY MONEY AND I NEED IT NOW!” and one old dude looks really pissed about it. To me this sends the wrong message. To me this commercial is saying there are tons of people who are broke. And can’t manage their money. So in essence they are yelling “I’M BROKE!”
Secondly, why are they yelling? Unless the company who is sending you the annuity or settlement payments are within yelling distance you are just making yourself look even more moronic. And I don’t know a lot of companies who do business by yelling. Phone calls, in person, fax and e-mail - Yes. Yelling out of a window – No. And even if they did do busy by yelling, what if they are far away and can’t hear you? But say they did do business by yell and they can hear you, but you live in Boston and the company who owes you is in LA. If you yell at 8:00 AM in Boston, it’s is only 4:00 AM in the pacific time zone. I, for one, would be way pissed if some dude was yelling at me at 4:00 in the morning about some cash. Dude, you just went to the very bottom of the list of my priorities. This commercial sends the wrong message to me.
But I have not had enough coffee this morning.
Don’t get dead.
"http://www.youtube.com/v/dKuO56Jjn0o&hl=en">
The commercial starts out with some yo-yo sitting on his couch getting excited and talking to himself or the television when this man, whom I suppose is J. G. Wentworth himself. Then he and several other people go to their window and yell out “IT’S MY MONEY AND I NEED IT NOW!” and one old dude looks really pissed about it. To me this sends the wrong message. To me this commercial is saying there are tons of people who are broke. And can’t manage their money. So in essence they are yelling “I’M BROKE!”
Secondly, why are they yelling? Unless the company who is sending you the annuity or settlement payments are within yelling distance you are just making yourself look even more moronic. And I don’t know a lot of companies who do business by yelling. Phone calls, in person, fax and e-mail - Yes. Yelling out of a window – No. And even if they did do busy by yelling, what if they are far away and can’t hear you? But say they did do business by yell and they can hear you, but you live in Boston and the company who owes you is in LA. If you yell at 8:00 AM in Boston, it’s is only 4:00 AM in the pacific time zone. I, for one, would be way pissed if some dude was yelling at me at 4:00 in the morning about some cash. Dude, you just went to the very bottom of the list of my priorities. This commercial sends the wrong message to me.
But I have not had enough coffee this morning.
Don’t get dead.
Friday, May 16, 2008
B BO BOO BOOT BOOTS
This blog really has nothing to do with that sign, just thought about it right before I started to write this.
The other day I was talking with a co-worker who is going to The Netherlands by way of England to see his sister. He just happened to mention that he didn't know what he was going to do on such a long flight and how to adjust to the time change and so on. Which reminded me of a story, imagine that right.
A buddy of mine was flying back from Heathrow to JFK and said that he wasn't able to sleep because of turbulent air and had gotten bored on the flight. Since he had already had a long nap and there is only so much "Everybody Loves Raymond" that you can take in one day. He got up and asked one of the stewardesses about how far they were and she told him that they had not made it quite halfway. Which was not the news he was looking for. At this point he went back to his seat and began to look around the plane and people watch. He said that he was seated on an isle seat and there was this woman across the isle one row up from him was doing something but he could not tell what it was.
About this time the air got rough again. He raised his seat back up and sat up in his seat so that he could better see what she was doing. Now he can see what she is doing and starts to giggle. But he is not able to mask his amusement and the guy sitting next to him looks over and sees what the lady is doing and begins to chuckle as well. Long story, short version is that several people in the area hear them giggling and look over to see what they are giggling at.
The lady was praying the rosary. But not just praying, she was taking turns praying and cussing. So every time they would hit rough air she would cuss and then start to pray again immeditly after. So they would hit turbulence and she would yell out "SHIT!" and then start "Hail Mary, full of grace (turbulence) DAMNIT! Hail Mary, SON OF A BITCH.. Hail Mary, full FUCK! Hail…" He said that they watched her for several minutes and don't think that she ever finished the prayer.
Don't get dead
The other day I was talking with a co-worker who is going to The Netherlands by way of England to see his sister. He just happened to mention that he didn't know what he was going to do on such a long flight and how to adjust to the time change and so on. Which reminded me of a story, imagine that right.
A buddy of mine was flying back from Heathrow to JFK and said that he wasn't able to sleep because of turbulent air and had gotten bored on the flight. Since he had already had a long nap and there is only so much "Everybody Loves Raymond" that you can take in one day. He got up and asked one of the stewardesses about how far they were and she told him that they had not made it quite halfway. Which was not the news he was looking for. At this point he went back to his seat and began to look around the plane and people watch. He said that he was seated on an isle seat and there was this woman across the isle one row up from him was doing something but he could not tell what it was.
About this time the air got rough again. He raised his seat back up and sat up in his seat so that he could better see what she was doing. Now he can see what she is doing and starts to giggle. But he is not able to mask his amusement and the guy sitting next to him looks over and sees what the lady is doing and begins to chuckle as well. Long story, short version is that several people in the area hear them giggling and look over to see what they are giggling at.
The lady was praying the rosary. But not just praying, she was taking turns praying and cussing. So every time they would hit rough air she would cuss and then start to pray again immeditly after. So they would hit turbulence and she would yell out "SHIT!" and then start "Hail Mary, full of grace (turbulence) DAMNIT! Hail Mary, SON OF A BITCH.. Hail Mary, full FUCK! Hail…" He said that they watched her for several minutes and don't think that she ever finished the prayer.
Don't get dead
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Dear Sweezey
Dear Sweezey,
I am so disgusted with dating. Several years ago, I went out about once a week and then decided I just wasn't meeting the right kind of men. So, I took some time off. Then my friends, family, neighbors, clients all had someone they wanted to set me up with. I tired that. I have also gone the tradional route, no luck.
I am a very attractive woman who is not shallow, rude or obnoxious to others. I have a great career, own a home in an upscale area, financially secure, in shape and can not meet a decent man to save my life.
I am not looking to get married and I do not kiss on the first date or spread my legs. Maybe, that's the problem, I'm not easy. I am not a snob and I don't brag.
I had this guy that was interested, but I kind of thought he was a player. So, I ignored him and then he really started calling and texting. We went out a couple of times and each time, he said he had a great time. He is everything women say they want in a man, the total package. But, the minute I tell him I can't go to lunch with him because I have to go out of town on business, he gets off the phone and says, "call me when you get back," It was a friggen day trip, not a month long trip to Europe. So, when I get back I call and his mailbox is full and his phone is turned off. I send a text and tell him I'm home and NOTHING! No return text and no phone call.
Why for the love of God can a man not appreciate a good woman? I really am ready to give up. I'm just done.
And guys wonder why women don't really give a **** anymore. Most are married and just want something on the side. Very few are really single, many have girlfriends. No matter how pretty, smart, funny or kind you are, they are looking for the quick score. I'm everything a man would want and I'd rather set home than deal with the crap anymore.
Does anyone else feel this way? I know women are jerks too and I don't want to suggest it's only men. I'm sure a lot of them have given up too.
Please help,
Dating after 40
Dear Dating,
The answer to your situation is rather simple. You need to whore it up a bit. What are you a nun or something? Go to your closet take your sluttiest cougar clothes off of the hanger and put them on. Then put your morals on that hanger, they are getting in the way. Then you need to go to a bar and start throwing back yaggrerbombs like they are baby aspirins. When you are feeling good, kick the bitch up a notch. This will drive the guys crazy. After that, go find a guy that you like, grab him by his belt buckle and drag him to your car. You should be banging like a cotton gin by Friday. And that’s what dating is all about. You got your golden years to be friends with guys, you need to work that money maker while you can.
You want to know why that guy didn’t call you back after your day trip? No goodbye hummer before you left, that’s why. If you would have blown his mind before you left he would have met you at the airport when you got back. Guys appreciate good women, we don’t date them, but we appreciate them … from a far. Now if you change your mind and decide that are you are looking to get married, well best of luck to ya.
Sweezey
Don't get dead
I am so disgusted with dating. Several years ago, I went out about once a week and then decided I just wasn't meeting the right kind of men. So, I took some time off. Then my friends, family, neighbors, clients all had someone they wanted to set me up with. I tired that. I have also gone the tradional route, no luck.
I am a very attractive woman who is not shallow, rude or obnoxious to others. I have a great career, own a home in an upscale area, financially secure, in shape and can not meet a decent man to save my life.
I am not looking to get married and I do not kiss on the first date or spread my legs. Maybe, that's the problem, I'm not easy. I am not a snob and I don't brag.
I had this guy that was interested, but I kind of thought he was a player. So, I ignored him and then he really started calling and texting. We went out a couple of times and each time, he said he had a great time. He is everything women say they want in a man, the total package. But, the minute I tell him I can't go to lunch with him because I have to go out of town on business, he gets off the phone and says, "call me when you get back," It was a friggen day trip, not a month long trip to Europe. So, when I get back I call and his mailbox is full and his phone is turned off. I send a text and tell him I'm home and NOTHING! No return text and no phone call.
Why for the love of God can a man not appreciate a good woman? I really am ready to give up. I'm just done.
And guys wonder why women don't really give a **** anymore. Most are married and just want something on the side. Very few are really single, many have girlfriends. No matter how pretty, smart, funny or kind you are, they are looking for the quick score. I'm everything a man would want and I'd rather set home than deal with the crap anymore.
Does anyone else feel this way? I know women are jerks too and I don't want to suggest it's only men. I'm sure a lot of them have given up too.
Please help,
Dating after 40
Dear Dating,
The answer to your situation is rather simple. You need to whore it up a bit. What are you a nun or something? Go to your closet take your sluttiest cougar clothes off of the hanger and put them on. Then put your morals on that hanger, they are getting in the way. Then you need to go to a bar and start throwing back yaggrerbombs like they are baby aspirins. When you are feeling good, kick the bitch up a notch. This will drive the guys crazy. After that, go find a guy that you like, grab him by his belt buckle and drag him to your car. You should be banging like a cotton gin by Friday. And that’s what dating is all about. You got your golden years to be friends with guys, you need to work that money maker while you can.
You want to know why that guy didn’t call you back after your day trip? No goodbye hummer before you left, that’s why. If you would have blown his mind before you left he would have met you at the airport when you got back. Guys appreciate good women, we don’t date them, but we appreciate them … from a far. Now if you change your mind and decide that are you are looking to get married, well best of luck to ya.
Sweezey
Don't get dead
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Late night visitor
One night the better half and I are sound asleep when something wakes me around 3 in the morning. It’s one of those things where you say to yourself “Did I just hear the doorbell?” which was immediately followed by the thought of “I am going to have to kill a mother fucker”. Look, I have two small children, so sleep is at a premium in mi casa. About this time I look over and my wife is sitting up in bed and we say to each other “Was that the doorbell?” Ahh hell, it had to be because we both thought we heard it. So I go check to make sure that my “home security system” is loaded and take the trigger lock off of it. While I am doing this, I look over and my wife is going to answer the door. So I rush out of the bedroom and look out this huge window that is over our front door (our master bed room is upstairs) and I see a van creeeeeeeping up the street with the headlights off. I quietly call her name and she looks at me like WHAT?! So I say to her “what the fuck are you doing?” and she says “answering the door” like I am some dumbass.
I can see that you are answering the door, the more important question is why. To which I replied to her with two words “HOME INVASION”. I am getting ready to put holes in people and she is getting ready to be quite the little pre-dawn hostess, lovely.
So she makes it to the door, flips on the outside light and pulls back one of the side window curtains and says “Can I help you?”.
Anyone want to take a stab at what the person on the other side of the door said? Come on make a guess, I will wait. Take your best shot. I bet you are not even close.
The response we hear coming from the other side of the door is and I quote “We are here for the body”. The only reply that we could muster was “cuse me!?”. To which this older white woman dressed in business attire and wearing a name tag replied “I am here for the body” while waving a toe tag.
Buy this time I am downstairs and I am not sure how I got there. Wha… how… huh? What do you mean you are here for the body?
This had to look like something out of a movie or TV show because the wife and I looked at each other then looked at the woman through the window and then looked back at each other with a shoulder shrug and the big eyes. So I look out the window and the van that I saw was from a funeral home and the guy is getting the stretcher and body bag out. Woah lady! What are you talking about, I don’t understand what you mean you are here for the body.
So looks at her clipboard and says is this such and such address which was close to ours. Whew, no you are at the wrong address. So she looks back and says so this isn’t such and such nursing home?
Ok, you’re a nice lady and all but does this look like a fucking nursing home in the middle of a neighborhood? Sorry, but at 3am when you have woken me, courtesy is in VERY limited supply. She apologizes and tells the guy at the van that they are at the wrong address.
After doing a quick check of the kids and making sure that they are still breathing we both go back to our room. So there I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling fan saying over and over again “That was fucking weird”. After about 45 minutes of that, I realized that I was going to beat rush hour traffic that morning and went to get ready for work.
Don’t get dead.
I can see that you are answering the door, the more important question is why. To which I replied to her with two words “HOME INVASION”. I am getting ready to put holes in people and she is getting ready to be quite the little pre-dawn hostess, lovely.
So she makes it to the door, flips on the outside light and pulls back one of the side window curtains and says “Can I help you?”.
Anyone want to take a stab at what the person on the other side of the door said? Come on make a guess, I will wait. Take your best shot. I bet you are not even close.
The response we hear coming from the other side of the door is and I quote “We are here for the body”. The only reply that we could muster was “cuse me!?”. To which this older white woman dressed in business attire and wearing a name tag replied “I am here for the body” while waving a toe tag.
Buy this time I am downstairs and I am not sure how I got there. Wha… how… huh? What do you mean you are here for the body?
This had to look like something out of a movie or TV show because the wife and I looked at each other then looked at the woman through the window and then looked back at each other with a shoulder shrug and the big eyes. So I look out the window and the van that I saw was from a funeral home and the guy is getting the stretcher and body bag out. Woah lady! What are you talking about, I don’t understand what you mean you are here for the body.
So looks at her clipboard and says is this such and such address which was close to ours. Whew, no you are at the wrong address. So she looks back and says so this isn’t such and such nursing home?
Ok, you’re a nice lady and all but does this look like a fucking nursing home in the middle of a neighborhood? Sorry, but at 3am when you have woken me, courtesy is in VERY limited supply. She apologizes and tells the guy at the van that they are at the wrong address.
After doing a quick check of the kids and making sure that they are still breathing we both go back to our room. So there I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling fan saying over and over again “That was fucking weird”. After about 45 minutes of that, I realized that I was going to beat rush hour traffic that morning and went to get ready for work.
Don’t get dead.
Hidden Camera Reality Television
I just realized that I haven't posted much on why I swear that I must be on some hidden TV show, like the movie "The Truman Show".
First off, let me hip you cool cats to my neighbors. On one side we have the side we the swingers, no seriously they are swingers. They even had a topless Halloween party. But if I paid as much for a body as the wife did, I would show it off too. Just not in the front yard dressed as topless Wonder Woman. They also like to watch porno… on the back porch that I could see from my kitchen window. In case you were wondering, Vivid Video's Naughty Nurses IV is good stuff.
Then on the other side there are the terrorist. No, they aren't mean or malicious or anything like that. In fact they are just the opposite. They are an overly nice and pretty quite Middle Eastern family. But think about it, every time they interview the neighbors of a bombing suspect, what do they say? Oh they were quite and kept to themselves, blah blah blah. But they are secretive. Like if I am cutting grass and they have the blinds open, they will close the blinds and they wont make eye contact. I am on to you Al Qaeda.
Of course in our old house, I came home to a note on the door one day that said someone from the Department of Defense wanted to speak with me about one of our neighbors.
And if the neighbors weren't enough to make you realize that it's a hidden camera reality show, then there is the other "cast members" who we have to interact with. Like the other day when while in a store my daughter asked a Middle Eastern woman, who was obviously married, if she knew that someone had drawn on her face. And then she told the woman that she shouldn't let people draw on her face. How do you save grace after that? You just got to move along.
This kind of shit don't happen to normal people.
I just hope the prizes at the end of the season are really good ones.
Don't get dead
First off, let me hip you cool cats to my neighbors. On one side we have the side we the swingers, no seriously they are swingers. They even had a topless Halloween party. But if I paid as much for a body as the wife did, I would show it off too. Just not in the front yard dressed as topless Wonder Woman. They also like to watch porno… on the back porch that I could see from my kitchen window. In case you were wondering, Vivid Video's Naughty Nurses IV is good stuff.
Then on the other side there are the terrorist. No, they aren't mean or malicious or anything like that. In fact they are just the opposite. They are an overly nice and pretty quite Middle Eastern family. But think about it, every time they interview the neighbors of a bombing suspect, what do they say? Oh they were quite and kept to themselves, blah blah blah. But they are secretive. Like if I am cutting grass and they have the blinds open, they will close the blinds and they wont make eye contact. I am on to you Al Qaeda.
Of course in our old house, I came home to a note on the door one day that said someone from the Department of Defense wanted to speak with me about one of our neighbors.
And if the neighbors weren't enough to make you realize that it's a hidden camera reality show, then there is the other "cast members" who we have to interact with. Like the other day when while in a store my daughter asked a Middle Eastern woman, who was obviously married, if she knew that someone had drawn on her face. And then she told the woman that she shouldn't let people draw on her face. How do you save grace after that? You just got to move along.
This kind of shit don't happen to normal people.
I just hope the prizes at the end of the season are really good ones.
Don't get dead
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Just think before you speak
The other night me and this dame when to check out a flick. While we were watching the previews for upcoming movies there was one for the Speed Racer movie. During this preview the cast and crew was being interviewed when someone on the crew said that they “wanted to make a movie like no one has ever seen before”. Really?! A live action movie based on a cartoon. You’re breaking new ground there Copernicus. You think that is something like people have never seen before? Have you ever heard of a little film called Batman? Or maybe the Fantastic Four, X-Men, more recently Horton Hears a Who or even How the Grinch Stole Christmas? I am sure there are more, I just don’t care to research it. You really want to make a movie like no one has ever seen before, make Rhinoceros porn. I am pretty sure no one has ever seen that, I damn sure haven’t. Anyway.
So that got me to thinking about some of the other stupid things that people say. Like “New and Improved”, well not shit. Do you really think anyone would go for a “New! and worse than ever before” marketing campaign? What is the purpose of making something new if you are not going to improve it?
Another one I hear is “While supplies last”. Do you really have to tell people that you can only sell something for as long as you have it to sell? Isn’t that kind of a given?
“Built to last” is another one. Is that as opposed to “built to fall apart as soon as the warranty expires”? Or maybe “built to break as soon as it leaves the store”.
And of course there is “I’m just speechless”. Apparently not, because you just said something, I heard it. Which is also along the lines of “Needless to say”. Well then just do us all a favor and don’t say it. It will save you the energy and my ears from having to hear it and both of our time. Deal?
Of course you can’t leave out “You have to see it to believe it”. I don’t know why but I believe that cavemen existed but I didn’t see them. Ehh, any way.
Then there is “We can agree to disagree”. Holy hell, no, if you disagree then you are not agreeing on anything. If you both agree to disagree then you are not disagreeing are you.
Oh and this one; “This is your only choice”. So what are my other choices? What? There aren’t any other choices? Well then that’s not a choice now is it? Rephrase your statement stupidass.
Can’t leave out “First things first”. No shit. Ever wonder why you don’t do the last thing first? Or even the third thing first? Because you will have fucked it up and then we have to keep you away from the scissors and tape mittens to your hands.
Another one that I have heard is “highly illegal”. So are something’s mildly illegal or illegal light? Correct me if I am wrong, but there is no gray area in the legal/illegal arena.
And while I am on it, the word “elegant” is being WAY over used. Therefore demeaning the word and making it a bit common place.
My brother gets on his soap box when people use the phrase “Do you see what I am saying” to which he goes into a tirade of not being able to actually SEE words.
And someone that I used to work with had a thing about ATM machine and PIN number. Because ATM is an abbreviation for Automatic Teller Machine, therefore it is not an Automatic Teller Machine Machine. Just like PIN is an abbreviation of Person Identification Number, not Person Identification Number Number.
I know that I had more but I just can’t remember them right now. So what stupid things do you hear people say?
Don't get dead
So that got me to thinking about some of the other stupid things that people say. Like “New and Improved”, well not shit. Do you really think anyone would go for a “New! and worse than ever before” marketing campaign? What is the purpose of making something new if you are not going to improve it?
Another one I hear is “While supplies last”. Do you really have to tell people that you can only sell something for as long as you have it to sell? Isn’t that kind of a given?
“Built to last” is another one. Is that as opposed to “built to fall apart as soon as the warranty expires”? Or maybe “built to break as soon as it leaves the store”.
And of course there is “I’m just speechless”. Apparently not, because you just said something, I heard it. Which is also along the lines of “Needless to say”. Well then just do us all a favor and don’t say it. It will save you the energy and my ears from having to hear it and both of our time. Deal?
Of course you can’t leave out “You have to see it to believe it”. I don’t know why but I believe that cavemen existed but I didn’t see them. Ehh, any way.
Then there is “We can agree to disagree”. Holy hell, no, if you disagree then you are not agreeing on anything. If you both agree to disagree then you are not disagreeing are you.
Oh and this one; “This is your only choice”. So what are my other choices? What? There aren’t any other choices? Well then that’s not a choice now is it? Rephrase your statement stupidass.
Can’t leave out “First things first”. No shit. Ever wonder why you don’t do the last thing first? Or even the third thing first? Because you will have fucked it up and then we have to keep you away from the scissors and tape mittens to your hands.
Another one that I have heard is “highly illegal”. So are something’s mildly illegal or illegal light? Correct me if I am wrong, but there is no gray area in the legal/illegal arena.
And while I am on it, the word “elegant” is being WAY over used. Therefore demeaning the word and making it a bit common place.
My brother gets on his soap box when people use the phrase “Do you see what I am saying” to which he goes into a tirade of not being able to actually SEE words.
And someone that I used to work with had a thing about ATM machine and PIN number. Because ATM is an abbreviation for Automatic Teller Machine, therefore it is not an Automatic Teller Machine Machine. Just like PIN is an abbreviation of Person Identification Number, not Person Identification Number Number.
I know that I had more but I just can’t remember them right now. So what stupid things do you hear people say?
Don't get dead
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