Last night was one of those nights that make life worth living. The family and I got free tickets to the Rangers game. My children had a blast and the wife and I had a great time as well. To add to this great night, the weather was perfect. Here is a quick breakdown of the night’s festivities.
- If free tickets weren’t good enough, free tickets for great seats with a parking pass and a great fireworks display after the show are!
- With our parking pass we received a free program, in the program was a full page Hooters ad. My son loved it. He kept turning back to that page. I am so proud of him.
- During the game, while the Rangers where at bat, one of the Rangers got thrown out of the game. The thing is, he wasn’t the one at bat. He was actually in the dugout. From what I could tell, he disagreed with the home plate umpires call and voiced his opinion, he was promptly sent to the showers but not before he gave the umpire a detailed piece of his mind. During this despicable display of displeasure (said in my best Geraldo Rivera impression) the team’s manager must have either been trying to dance with his player or play keep away because they where moving back and forth very closely right in front of the umpire.
- Right after trying to calm down his player the manager got tossed as well. Apparently when the manager went to go back to the dugout after the player finally left the field the umpire said something that angered the manager and they had a little discussion which sent the manager to the showers.
- Two rows behind us were four of the biggest queens who knew absolutely nothing about baseball. The only bats they ever held were between each others legs. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not gay bashing, I am asshole bashing. It would be different if they didn’t know anything about baseball and were curious (about the game) but these pricks thought they knew everything about the game. Yelled at the centerfielder when he threw the ball home as opposed to second base (which was closer *eye roll*) even though the runner had already rounded third and was on his way home. Then the lead queen bitched about calling a left handed pitcher out of the bullpen to face a right handed batter because the right handed pitcher was “doing so well”. The head queen (you pick if pun was intended or not) actually said that he could coach better then the coach, you know the one who has played baseball all his life and spent his entire career in baseball. As opposed to the sweater folder from the Gap, who was wearing his (with a lisp) San Francisco cap. Fabulous! The best part about them was how everyone else was making fun of them for being complete tools.
- During the 7th inning stretch, the outfielders where standing together in centerfield and for some reason everyone just looked out there and security started running on to the field from all directions. At some point a fan ran onto the field and was just hanging out with the outfielders. When he saw security coming at him he took off. He almost made it to the seats by first base when a security guard slammed him to the ground. Apparently they wanted him to get a good look at the grass in fall ball territory because they put his face down there, real hard too! Then they taught him some yoga. Two security guards took an arm each and tied them into a pretzel shape behind his back as they “lead” (dragged) him up the steps.
We were pretty much a streaker short of a perfect game.
Then after the game and fireworks were over and as we were heading to the car I heard and saw one of the greatest things.
Standing outside of the stadium was a girl on her cell phone trying to find her friends. Her side of the conversation as we were walking by went like this, “Where are you guys? I am outside by a tree”. An outburst of laughter from EVERYONE walking by immediately followed. You see, this girl was your stereotypical blonde and on EVERY street surrounding the ballpark are dozens and dozens of trees. I know, that’s crazy. So we all took turns mocking her. One guy said, “You know, by a tree, by a road”, which I added to with “I am near some grass…” and then another guy added, “like by this sidewalk” and behind us we could hear other people saying stuff like “yeah, it’s dark where I am” and other things like that.
I am so proud of my fellow smartasses.
Don’t get dead
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
You know what they say…
For the love of everything holy, don’t ever start a phase with “You know, they say…” if you don’t know who “THEY” is/are. We could be talking about anything and if that phrase comes up, I am going to grill you on it.
And I am not talking about anything specific, it could be on any topic. Just don’t do it, because I will be on a mission to publicly make you look like a complete ass. I heard a guy say once, “you know they say wearing baseball caps will make you go bald”. Ok there Dr. Hawking, who says this? Because if it is some bullshit that your momma made up or you heard Howard Stern say or some crap like that, your nut sack is about to get a kicking of epic proportions.
You see, I could give a rats ass less if some BS researcher at Flunkville State Junior College does a study that says drinking milk has an effect on the jet stream. But if the American Cancer Association comes out with a study that clinically shows how drinking out of styrofoam cups is linked to a certain type of cancer, yeah I am going to listen up.
Basically what I am saying is know what you are talking about if you are going to say it. And if you do know who came up with the information, make sure that it is legitimate.
Ever hear of the weight loss drug Lipozene (http://lipozene.com/)? Yeah, if you notice they have changed their commercial because the “university” they used to mention when they claim that a “major university double blind study” didn’t exist, now they just say a major university. I forget which news show it was (20/20 or Dateline or something like that) did a story on it. They found the address for this university and went to it, it was a house. And the old lady who answered the door had no idea what they were talking about. So just because someone says it or you read it online, make sure it’s factual before you spread it like manure.
You see, hearsay is bullshit. So if it’s not factual don’t spread it like it is or be ready to accept your punishment.
Don’t get dead
And I am not talking about anything specific, it could be on any topic. Just don’t do it, because I will be on a mission to publicly make you look like a complete ass. I heard a guy say once, “you know they say wearing baseball caps will make you go bald”. Ok there Dr. Hawking, who says this? Because if it is some bullshit that your momma made up or you heard Howard Stern say or some crap like that, your nut sack is about to get a kicking of epic proportions.
You see, I could give a rats ass less if some BS researcher at Flunkville State Junior College does a study that says drinking milk has an effect on the jet stream. But if the American Cancer Association comes out with a study that clinically shows how drinking out of styrofoam cups is linked to a certain type of cancer, yeah I am going to listen up.
Basically what I am saying is know what you are talking about if you are going to say it. And if you do know who came up with the information, make sure that it is legitimate.
Ever hear of the weight loss drug Lipozene (http://lipozene.com/)? Yeah, if you notice they have changed their commercial because the “university” they used to mention when they claim that a “major university double blind study” didn’t exist, now they just say a major university. I forget which news show it was (20/20 or Dateline or something like that) did a story on it. They found the address for this university and went to it, it was a house. And the old lady who answered the door had no idea what they were talking about. So just because someone says it or you read it online, make sure it’s factual before you spread it like manure.
You see, hearsay is bullshit. So if it’s not factual don’t spread it like it is or be ready to accept your punishment.
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Just as a note
If I ever had the chance, I would kick Brent Musburger and Vern Lundquist right in the junk.
That is all.
Don’t get dead
That is all.
Don’t get dead
Spelling
I came across this news article and it kind of scared me.
"Spelling "truely atrosious," says
LONDON (Reuters) - Embaressed by yor spelling? Never you mind.
Fed up with his students' complete inability to spell common English correctly, a British academic has suggested it may be time to accept "variant spellings" as legitimate.
Rather than grammarians getting in a huff about "argument" being spelled "arguement" or "opportunity" as "opertunity," why not accept anything that's phonetically (fonetickly anyone?) correct as long as it can be understood?
"Instead of complaining about the state of the education system as we correct the same mistakes year after year, I've got a better idea," Ken Smith, a criminology lecturer at Bucks New University, wrote in the Times Higher Education Supplement.
"University teachers should simply accept as variant spelling those words our students most commonly misspell."
To kickstart his proposal, Smith suggested 10 common misspellings that should immediately be accepted into the pantheon of variants, including "ignor," "occured," "thier," "truely," "speach" and "twelth" (it should be "twelfth").
Then of course there are words like "misspelt" (often spelled "mispelt"), not to mention "varient," a commonly used variant of "variant."
And that doesn't even begin to delve into all the problems English people have with words that use the letters "i" and "e" together, like weird, seize, leisure, foreign and neighbor.
The rhyme "i before e except after c" may be on the lips of every schoolchild in Britain, but that doesn't mean they remember the rule by the time they get to university.
Of course, such proposals have been made in the past. The advent of text messaging turned many students into spelling neanderthals as phrases such as "wot r u doin 2nite?" became socially, if not academically, acceptable.
Despite Smith's suggestion, language mavens are unconvinced. John Simpson, the chief editor of the Oxford English Dictionary, says rules are rules and they are there for good reason.
"There are enormous advantages in having a coherent system of spelling," he told the Times newspaper.
"It makes it easier to communicate. Maybe during a learning phase there is some scope for error, but I would hope that by the time people get to university they have learnt to spell."
Yet even some of Britain's greatest wordsmiths have acknowledged it's a language with irritating quirkiness.
Playwright George Bernard Shaw was fond of pointing out that the word "ghoti" could just as well be pronounced "fish" if you followed common pronunciation: 'gh' as in "tough," 'o' as in "women" and 'ti' as in "nation."
And he was a playright."
Oh hell no! Ken Smith must be an utter moron if he thinks that this is acceptable. All of these people who spell dude like dood or cool as kewl all give off the appearance of complete dipshits. How sad are you that you feel the need to gain attention by bastardizing the English language?
I wonder if Mr. Smith would let his accountant get away with the same principles? You know, when he does his taxes that they are close enough. I am sure that law enforcement would be close enough in how long they locked him up as well. Or what if his boss adopted his feeling with regards to his paycheck? I bet he would change his tune then.
One wonders if this is the way that Ken Smith really feels, why should we continue to educate our children? Why grade? Like little league baseball, the score is always fun to fun. Yeah why not.
And let’s put this way of thinking into effect in every class. World War II was from 1780 – 1999. Close enough! E=MCHammer, works for me! What is 20% of 200? Apple. Why not!
This close enough idea would make cross word puzzles interesting. And I guess that Saturday Night Live would have to revamp all of their Jeopardy! skits.
Is there a global outbreak of dumbass or something going on? It’s beginning to look like the whole world is about to OD on stupid pills.
Don’t get dead (And learn to spell!)
"Spelling "truely atrosious," says
LONDON (Reuters) - Embaressed by yor spelling? Never you mind.
Fed up with his students' complete inability to spell common English correctly, a British academic has suggested it may be time to accept "variant spellings" as legitimate.
Rather than grammarians getting in a huff about "argument" being spelled "arguement" or "opportunity" as "opertunity," why not accept anything that's phonetically (fonetickly anyone?) correct as long as it can be understood?
"Instead of complaining about the state of the education system as we correct the same mistakes year after year, I've got a better idea," Ken Smith, a criminology lecturer at Bucks New University, wrote in the Times Higher Education Supplement.
"University teachers should simply accept as variant spelling those words our students most commonly misspell."
To kickstart his proposal, Smith suggested 10 common misspellings that should immediately be accepted into the pantheon of variants, including "ignor," "occured," "thier," "truely," "speach" and "twelth" (it should be "twelfth").
Then of course there are words like "misspelt" (often spelled "mispelt"), not to mention "varient," a commonly used variant of "variant."
And that doesn't even begin to delve into all the problems English people have with words that use the letters "i" and "e" together, like weird, seize, leisure, foreign and neighbor.
The rhyme "i before e except after c" may be on the lips of every schoolchild in Britain, but that doesn't mean they remember the rule by the time they get to university.
Of course, such proposals have been made in the past. The advent of text messaging turned many students into spelling neanderthals as phrases such as "wot r u doin 2nite?" became socially, if not academically, acceptable.
Despite Smith's suggestion, language mavens are unconvinced. John Simpson, the chief editor of the Oxford English Dictionary, says rules are rules and they are there for good reason.
"There are enormous advantages in having a coherent system of spelling," he told the Times newspaper.
"It makes it easier to communicate. Maybe during a learning phase there is some scope for error, but I would hope that by the time people get to university they have learnt to spell."
Yet even some of Britain's greatest wordsmiths have acknowledged it's a language with irritating quirkiness.
Playwright George Bernard Shaw was fond of pointing out that the word "ghoti" could just as well be pronounced "fish" if you followed common pronunciation: 'gh' as in "tough," 'o' as in "women" and 'ti' as in "nation."
And he was a playright."
Oh hell no! Ken Smith must be an utter moron if he thinks that this is acceptable. All of these people who spell dude like dood or cool as kewl all give off the appearance of complete dipshits. How sad are you that you feel the need to gain attention by bastardizing the English language?
I wonder if Mr. Smith would let his accountant get away with the same principles? You know, when he does his taxes that they are close enough. I am sure that law enforcement would be close enough in how long they locked him up as well. Or what if his boss adopted his feeling with regards to his paycheck? I bet he would change his tune then.
One wonders if this is the way that Ken Smith really feels, why should we continue to educate our children? Why grade? Like little league baseball, the score is always fun to fun. Yeah why not.
And let’s put this way of thinking into effect in every class. World War II was from 1780 – 1999. Close enough! E=MCHammer, works for me! What is 20% of 200? Apple. Why not!
This close enough idea would make cross word puzzles interesting. And I guess that Saturday Night Live would have to revamp all of their Jeopardy! skits.
Is there a global outbreak of dumbass or something going on? It’s beginning to look like the whole world is about to OD on stupid pills.
Don’t get dead (And learn to spell!)
Surveys
Do you ever get those silly survey e-mails? You know the ones where they list out your 50 favorite things and crap like that? I see tons of these things but I never really “take” them. So I thought that I would give it a shot. So here goes.
50 ODD Things about you! If you opened this, FILL IT OUT! Learn 50 things about your friends, and let them learn 50 things about you!
1) Favorite object in your room?
Everything, I bought it all so if I didn’t like it I wouldn’t own it.
2) Have you ever smoked heroin?
Smoked? No, never smoked it.
3) Do you own guns?
Yeah, Kiss wrote a song about it.
4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
None
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Not any more, but when I was single I would sweat bullets in the doctor’s office
6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I think they are sort of brownish in color, somewhat oblong in shape and come 10 to a pack.
7) Favorite song?
Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And Grooving With A Pict
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Liquids. Drinking solids is way to hard first thing in the morning.
9) Can you do push ups?
Like a champ
10) Can you do a chin up?
With a little help from my friends
11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My ring, just guess which one!
12) Do you like blue cheese?
Love fungus!
13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yup
15) What's one trait that you hate about yourself?
Wait, where is 14? What happened to 14? Is 14 ok? HAS ANYONE HEARD FROM 14? Call the fuzz, have them put out an APB on 14. Oh god, I hope 14 is alright.
16) Middle name?
14’s middle name? I don’t know, I guess it would be the our in fourteen, or maybe it is urte.
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
WE GOT TO FIND 14, Where the hell is 14? Does anyone have 14’s cell phone number?
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Pills, lunch, soda
19) Name 3 drinks you drink regularly?
Coffee, Diet Coke, Water
20) Current worry?
I am more than a little concerned about 14, he is missing.
21) Current hate right now?
I hate that I can’t find 14, did you hear that he is missing?
23) How did you bring in the New Year?
Holy shit, now 22 is missing too. This freaking me out. First it was 14 and now they got 22 as well. LOCK THE CITY DOWN people. We have a numbernapper out there. As of right now it appears that they are only interested in even numbers but we can’t confirm that. Someone call America’s Most Wanted. We got to get 14 and 22 back. I am going to make a ribbon bumper sticker with 14 and 22 on it. All proceeds will go to finding 14 and 22.
24) Where would you like to be right now?
In the company of 14 and 22
25) Name three people who will complete this?
Well it damn sure wont be 14 and 22 now will it?! Why do you keep asking me all of these questions when two whole numbers are missing?
26) Do you own slippers?
Yes, size 14, 22 in euro…. Oh my god, how weird is that?
27) What shirt are you wearing?
My new have you seen 14 and 22 t-shirt
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I wont sleep until we find 14 and 22, this is serious people!
29) Can you whistle?
Yes, and I have been whistling and yelling for 14 and 22 since I found out that they were missing
341) Would you be a pirate?
Oh fuck, now they got 30 – 340. NO NUMBERS ARE SAFE. Take shelter!
32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Wait, how did we get back to 32? Aren’t you missing?
33) Favorite girl's name?
What kind of fucked up question is this when we are in a state of emergency?
34) Favorite boy's name?
Long Dong Silver, his parents must have been visionaries.
35) What's in your pocket?
Wait, you don’t think that I took 14, 22 and all of the other missing numbers do you?
36) Last person that made you laugh?
Tom Bergeron, love that damn America’s Funniest Home Videos.
37) Best bed sheets as a child:
Clean ones.
38) Worst injury you've ever had?
Got my face busted up in a motorcycle wreck, oh well, I don’t think I would have enjoyed being a model anyway.
39) Do you love where you live?
Oh god no, I hate it. idiot
40) How many TVs do you have in your house?
I think 5, but they are all tuned to the news, we got to find the missing numbers!
41) Who is your loudest friend?
Not sure, right now they are all loud walking through the woods yelling for the missing numbers.
42) How many dogs do you have?
None, but if I did they would be out sniffing the trail of the missing numbers.
43) Does someone have a crush on you?
I don’t know, but I can tell you that I am really missing 14 & 22 right now.
46) What is your favorite candy?
Oh Christ! They got 44 & 45 now too!! Curse you numbernapper!
47) Favorite Sports Team?
Alabama Crimson Tide! Especially number 14, 22, 44 & 45!
48) Where is the next place you want to travel to?
I hope it’s not to identify 14, 22, 44 & 45.
49) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
In a chemically induced sleep
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I sure as hell hope that 14, 22, 44 & 45 are ok.
Yeah, it’s stupid, I know.
Don’t get dead
50 ODD Things about you! If you opened this, FILL IT OUT! Learn 50 things about your friends, and let them learn 50 things about you!
1) Favorite object in your room?
Everything, I bought it all so if I didn’t like it I wouldn’t own it.
2) Have you ever smoked heroin?
Smoked? No, never smoked it.
3) Do you own guns?
Yeah, Kiss wrote a song about it.
4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
None
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Not any more, but when I was single I would sweat bullets in the doctor’s office
6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I think they are sort of brownish in color, somewhat oblong in shape and come 10 to a pack.
7) Favorite song?
Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And Grooving With A Pict
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Liquids. Drinking solids is way to hard first thing in the morning.
9) Can you do push ups?
Like a champ
10) Can you do a chin up?
With a little help from my friends
11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My ring, just guess which one!
12) Do you like blue cheese?
Love fungus!
13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yup
15) What's one trait that you hate about yourself?
Wait, where is 14? What happened to 14? Is 14 ok? HAS ANYONE HEARD FROM 14? Call the fuzz, have them put out an APB on 14. Oh god, I hope 14 is alright.
16) Middle name?
14’s middle name? I don’t know, I guess it would be the our in fourteen, or maybe it is urte.
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
WE GOT TO FIND 14, Where the hell is 14? Does anyone have 14’s cell phone number?
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Pills, lunch, soda
19) Name 3 drinks you drink regularly?
Coffee, Diet Coke, Water
20) Current worry?
I am more than a little concerned about 14, he is missing.
21) Current hate right now?
I hate that I can’t find 14, did you hear that he is missing?
23) How did you bring in the New Year?
Holy shit, now 22 is missing too. This freaking me out. First it was 14 and now they got 22 as well. LOCK THE CITY DOWN people. We have a numbernapper out there. As of right now it appears that they are only interested in even numbers but we can’t confirm that. Someone call America’s Most Wanted. We got to get 14 and 22 back. I am going to make a ribbon bumper sticker with 14 and 22 on it. All proceeds will go to finding 14 and 22.
24) Where would you like to be right now?
In the company of 14 and 22
25) Name three people who will complete this?
Well it damn sure wont be 14 and 22 now will it?! Why do you keep asking me all of these questions when two whole numbers are missing?
26) Do you own slippers?
Yes, size 14, 22 in euro…. Oh my god, how weird is that?
27) What shirt are you wearing?
My new have you seen 14 and 22 t-shirt
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I wont sleep until we find 14 and 22, this is serious people!
29) Can you whistle?
Yes, and I have been whistling and yelling for 14 and 22 since I found out that they were missing
341) Would you be a pirate?
Oh fuck, now they got 30 – 340. NO NUMBERS ARE SAFE. Take shelter!
32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Wait, how did we get back to 32? Aren’t you missing?
33) Favorite girl's name?
What kind of fucked up question is this when we are in a state of emergency?
34) Favorite boy's name?
Long Dong Silver, his parents must have been visionaries.
35) What's in your pocket?
Wait, you don’t think that I took 14, 22 and all of the other missing numbers do you?
36) Last person that made you laugh?
Tom Bergeron, love that damn America’s Funniest Home Videos.
37) Best bed sheets as a child:
Clean ones.
38) Worst injury you've ever had?
Got my face busted up in a motorcycle wreck, oh well, I don’t think I would have enjoyed being a model anyway.
39) Do you love where you live?
Oh god no, I hate it. idiot
40) How many TVs do you have in your house?
I think 5, but they are all tuned to the news, we got to find the missing numbers!
41) Who is your loudest friend?
Not sure, right now they are all loud walking through the woods yelling for the missing numbers.
42) How many dogs do you have?
None, but if I did they would be out sniffing the trail of the missing numbers.
43) Does someone have a crush on you?
I don’t know, but I can tell you that I am really missing 14 & 22 right now.
46) What is your favorite candy?
Oh Christ! They got 44 & 45 now too!! Curse you numbernapper!
47) Favorite Sports Team?
Alabama Crimson Tide! Especially number 14, 22, 44 & 45!
48) Where is the next place you want to travel to?
I hope it’s not to identify 14, 22, 44 & 45.
49) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
In a chemically induced sleep
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I sure as hell hope that 14, 22, 44 & 45 are ok.
Yeah, it’s stupid, I know.
Don’t get dead
Dear Sweezey - Is courtship dead?
Dear Sweezey,
How many dates before a woman is expected to put out? Is no one out there excited about the anticipation of sleeping with someone new? It seems like everyone expects sex on the first date. I don't get it.
- Everywhere
Dear Everywhere,
I can answer your question in one word, CLEAR!! That’s right, get out the defibrillator.
Lady where have you been since the early 90’s? There is an old southern saying that is used in dominos but it applies here as well, think long: think wrong. So if you think anyone is waiting with anticipation, you are sadly mistaken. Plus, would you really want to go through a lengthy relationship, fall head over heals in love with your soul mate only to find out years down the road that the only way he can get off is if you shove a two litter soda bottle up his ass while he hangs from the ceiling fan? Is that really what you want to anticipate? I will answer it for you, hell no it’s not.
Think about it like this, it’s like test driving a car, you want to take it for a spin before you lay your money down. Think of all of the time, money, effort and emotions that you will save yourself by getting down to business right away.
I mean look at the statistics, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Why do you think that is? Could be a lot of dudes out there hanging from ceiling fans if you know what I mean.
Now as for me, I was a good boy and I didn’t do anything until after I was married… yeah. Matter of fact, still a virgin.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice at DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
How many dates before a woman is expected to put out? Is no one out there excited about the anticipation of sleeping with someone new? It seems like everyone expects sex on the first date. I don't get it.
- Everywhere
Dear Everywhere,
I can answer your question in one word, CLEAR!! That’s right, get out the defibrillator.
Lady where have you been since the early 90’s? There is an old southern saying that is used in dominos but it applies here as well, think long: think wrong. So if you think anyone is waiting with anticipation, you are sadly mistaken. Plus, would you really want to go through a lengthy relationship, fall head over heals in love with your soul mate only to find out years down the road that the only way he can get off is if you shove a two litter soda bottle up his ass while he hangs from the ceiling fan? Is that really what you want to anticipate? I will answer it for you, hell no it’s not.
Think about it like this, it’s like test driving a car, you want to take it for a spin before you lay your money down. Think of all of the time, money, effort and emotions that you will save yourself by getting down to business right away.
I mean look at the statistics, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Why do you think that is? Could be a lot of dudes out there hanging from ceiling fans if you know what I mean.
Now as for me, I was a good boy and I didn’t do anything until after I was married… yeah. Matter of fact, still a virgin.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice at DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Dear Sweezey – What should I do?
Dear Sweezey,
I just now ran across an ad in M4W that had a photo of the husband of a couple that I have socialized with occasionally, one of my friends is good friends with his wife.
What should I do? Tell? Keep quiet?
Reply and ask him for a date? LOL I'm only joking. I don't date married men. He is cute, though.
Seriously, what should I do??
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The answer to this is how much grief do you want in your life? If you want to keep a good relationship with everyone and keep mental anguish to a minimum, you should just forget you ever saw the ad. If you love to stir the pot and want to be a busy-body, you should tell the wife and show her the ad.
But why do you want to know? Unless you want to date him, which you have stated that you don’t, just butt out of it. But you did say that you thought he was cute, so I think that you are going to make every attempt to screw up his marriage so that you can move in. For all you know, they might have an open relationship and the wife completely accepts of this. Maybe he has a twin, who knows. Quit being a nosey bitch. That’s the reason that no one likes you. Plus, how sad are you that you are out looking for men in personal ads. I bet you live under a bridge don’t you, troll woman.
Good god, no wonder you are so unhappy with your life. Why don’t you spend a little more time worrying about you and a hell of a lot less time worrying about everyone else? Want to know why you are looking for men in personal ads? It’s because you want everyone else to do everything for you. You want to sit on your ass sucking down foot long chili cheese dogs and bitch about how there are no good men left.
Why don’t you go out buy some decent clothes, get a haircut, try some spray-on tanner, put on some make-up, shave some things, go to the bar and crank up the flirt machine. Yeah, actually get off your ass and do something. Trust me, you will be much happier in life.
Dear god woman, have some decorum!
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
I just now ran across an ad in M4W that had a photo of the husband of a couple that I have socialized with occasionally, one of my friends is good friends with his wife.
What should I do? Tell? Keep quiet?
Reply and ask him for a date? LOL I'm only joking. I don't date married men. He is cute, though.
Seriously, what should I do??
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The answer to this is how much grief do you want in your life? If you want to keep a good relationship with everyone and keep mental anguish to a minimum, you should just forget you ever saw the ad. If you love to stir the pot and want to be a busy-body, you should tell the wife and show her the ad.
But why do you want to know? Unless you want to date him, which you have stated that you don’t, just butt out of it. But you did say that you thought he was cute, so I think that you are going to make every attempt to screw up his marriage so that you can move in. For all you know, they might have an open relationship and the wife completely accepts of this. Maybe he has a twin, who knows. Quit being a nosey bitch. That’s the reason that no one likes you. Plus, how sad are you that you are out looking for men in personal ads. I bet you live under a bridge don’t you, troll woman.
Good god, no wonder you are so unhappy with your life. Why don’t you spend a little more time worrying about you and a hell of a lot less time worrying about everyone else? Want to know why you are looking for men in personal ads? It’s because you want everyone else to do everything for you. You want to sit on your ass sucking down foot long chili cheese dogs and bitch about how there are no good men left.
Why don’t you go out buy some decent clothes, get a haircut, try some spray-on tanner, put on some make-up, shave some things, go to the bar and crank up the flirt machine. Yeah, actually get off your ass and do something. Trust me, you will be much happier in life.
Dear god woman, have some decorum!
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Pills, Glorious Pills!
Happy pills that is. For those who don’t know (because I don’t write about what is going on in my life a whole lot), I hurt my back recently. Who knew bench pressing dump truck transmissions could hurt you… yeah, that’s a load of crap.
I actually have no idea what I did but I hurt it. And it sucks.
After being able to barely walk, much less get up, on Sunday I decided that I had to get some help and that this wasn’t going to get better on its own. So it was either a visit to Dr. Mengele’s understudy or to a “street vendor” on a shady corner of town or something because this was starting to suck royally. After a few calls around I was able to get both a session in “the rack” and some prescription goodness. Ahh yes, better living through chemistry. At this point I could care less about what is in these tiny little pharmaceutical dynamite caps, but I am happy to have them. A couple of the main reasons that I am happy to have these little marvels of modern science is because the pain was getting to be a bit much and quite frankly I was getting tired of walking like a gorilla.
So I have no idea of how coherent this is but it is making sense to me, at least right now it is.
So that’s what is going on with me lately. I have some notes scribbled down about things that I would like to write about but who knows when I will get to those.
Yeah pills!!
Don’t get dead
I actually have no idea what I did but I hurt it. And it sucks.
After being able to barely walk, much less get up, on Sunday I decided that I had to get some help and that this wasn’t going to get better on its own. So it was either a visit to Dr. Mengele’s understudy or to a “street vendor” on a shady corner of town or something because this was starting to suck royally. After a few calls around I was able to get both a session in “the rack” and some prescription goodness. Ahh yes, better living through chemistry. At this point I could care less about what is in these tiny little pharmaceutical dynamite caps, but I am happy to have them. A couple of the main reasons that I am happy to have these little marvels of modern science is because the pain was getting to be a bit much and quite frankly I was getting tired of walking like a gorilla.
So I have no idea of how coherent this is but it is making sense to me, at least right now it is.
So that’s what is going on with me lately. I have some notes scribbled down about things that I would like to write about but who knows when I will get to those.
Yeah pills!!
Don’t get dead
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Another stupid commercial
While watching some of the coverage of hurricane Ike I saw this commercial for this “personal sound amplifier” called “Listen Up”, have you seen this bullshit?
If not, you can see it here
In the first scene of the commercial there is this older couple in bed, the wife is reading a book and the husband is apparently watching TV when this bitch leans over and says, “Could you turn that down please!” and he does! What a pussy.
Now there are two things wrong here, first thing is if this was a real couple they would have both been asleep. My grandparents didn’t read and watch TV in bed. It seemed to me that they were in bed shortly after the 6:00 news so I doubt highly that they were reading and watching the late show in the middle of the night.
The second part of this that is wrong is that the husband should have looked over and showed her how strong his pimp hand is. Payow! Was that quiet enough?!
In the next scene memaw is on the phone while pops is watching the game or something and she yells over, “Does that have to be so loud!”
Ok bitch, you are on a cordless phone, why don’t you take your ass to another room. You expect gandpa to pick up that heavy ass console TV and tote it to the guest room or something? Damn.
Later on in the commercial the narrator talks about how you can hear conversations from across the room and they show a guy in the gym apparently listening to two girls talk about him. And then some dame is checking her mail as the other desperate housewives are walking by talking about her. Sounds like a restraining order starter kit to me.
There is also a mention about how this device can be used for outdoorsmen and it shows some guy hunting. Why is it that the thought of someone who can’t hear that well in the wilderness with a high-powered rifle scares the hell out of me? Like it is all of the sudden safe for Marlee Matlin’s son to be out deer hunting. I don’t want to be there when the batteries die and the Jr. Matlin mistakes me for an 8-point buck.
Don’t get dead
If not, you can see it here
In the first scene of the commercial there is this older couple in bed, the wife is reading a book and the husband is apparently watching TV when this bitch leans over and says, “Could you turn that down please!” and he does! What a pussy.
Now there are two things wrong here, first thing is if this was a real couple they would have both been asleep. My grandparents didn’t read and watch TV in bed. It seemed to me that they were in bed shortly after the 6:00 news so I doubt highly that they were reading and watching the late show in the middle of the night.
The second part of this that is wrong is that the husband should have looked over and showed her how strong his pimp hand is. Payow! Was that quiet enough?!
In the next scene memaw is on the phone while pops is watching the game or something and she yells over, “Does that have to be so loud!”
Ok bitch, you are on a cordless phone, why don’t you take your ass to another room. You expect gandpa to pick up that heavy ass console TV and tote it to the guest room or something? Damn.
Later on in the commercial the narrator talks about how you can hear conversations from across the room and they show a guy in the gym apparently listening to two girls talk about him. And then some dame is checking her mail as the other desperate housewives are walking by talking about her. Sounds like a restraining order starter kit to me.
There is also a mention about how this device can be used for outdoorsmen and it shows some guy hunting. Why is it that the thought of someone who can’t hear that well in the wilderness with a high-powered rifle scares the hell out of me? Like it is all of the sudden safe for Marlee Matlin’s son to be out deer hunting. I don’t want to be there when the batteries die and the Jr. Matlin mistakes me for an 8-point buck.
Don’t get dead
And now for something completely similar
With all that is going on with this political season you hear lots of commentary as to what a particular candidate should or shouldn’t do. You hear how they should appeal to this group of people or how they should tailor their comments to that group and so on. One of the things that I heard recently was how someone should have a “grassroots” movement.
A grassroots movement is one driven by the constituents of a community. The term implies that the creation of the movement and the group supporting it is natural and spontaneous, highlighting the differences between this and a movement that is orchestrated by traditional power structures. Often, grassroots movements are at the local level, as many volunteers in the community give their time to support the local party, which can lead to helping the national party. For instance, a grassroots movement can lead to significant voter registration for a political party, which in turn helps the state and national parties. Thank you very much Wikipedia.
But if you didn’t know that, you wouldn’t think that is what it means. On the surface when one thinks of grassroots they think of something that is dark, underground, germy and dirty even. Is that something you would want associated with your candidate of choice? I think not!
What I want for my candidate is an alcohol laden campaign. I am sure that initially you thought this guy has got to be kidding. Does he really want some sort of alcohol laden political campaign? Yeah I do, because as we all know alcohol kills germs! A clean campaign would be nice for a change.
Don’t get dead
A grassroots movement is one driven by the constituents of a community. The term implies that the creation of the movement and the group supporting it is natural and spontaneous, highlighting the differences between this and a movement that is orchestrated by traditional power structures. Often, grassroots movements are at the local level, as many volunteers in the community give their time to support the local party, which can lead to helping the national party. For instance, a grassroots movement can lead to significant voter registration for a political party, which in turn helps the state and national parties. Thank you very much Wikipedia.
But if you didn’t know that, you wouldn’t think that is what it means. On the surface when one thinks of grassroots they think of something that is dark, underground, germy and dirty even. Is that something you would want associated with your candidate of choice? I think not!
What I want for my candidate is an alcohol laden campaign. I am sure that initially you thought this guy has got to be kidding. Does he really want some sort of alcohol laden political campaign? Yeah I do, because as we all know alcohol kills germs! A clean campaign would be nice for a change.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Hurricane Ike and News Headlines
While surfing during lunch today I saw a headline that reads “Texas governor: Hurricane Ike will be dangerous”. Well thank you Rick Perry for hipping us to that late breaking news flash. So is it that some hurricanes are dangerous or just this one or what? Maybe the news story will tell us. It reads as follows.
“Texas governor: Hurricane Ike will be dangerous
HOUSTON - Texas Gov. Rick Perry is urging residents to finish storm preparations ahead of a very dangerous Hurricane Ike.
Perry told reporters Thursday that Ike is a gigantic storm, and says he "cannot overestimate the danger that is facing us."
Ike is expected to become at least a Category 3 storm with winds upward of 111 mph before it comes ashore. Hurricane warnings are in effect from the Louisiana coast to Morgan City.
Authorities are trying to avoid traffic gridlock similar to an evacuation during Hurricane Rita three years ago. Only eight zip codes in low-lying areas and near Galveston Bay are under mandatory evacuation orders.
Traffic is stacked bumper to bumper on one freeway leading away from Galveston County and into the Houston metropolitan area.”
So let’s see, this hurricane is a “gigantic storm”, no shit? Who would have thunk it? Who would have ever thought that this hurricane that everyone, even REMOTELY related to news or weather, has been talking about for weeks might have some considerable size. Wow, I can see how you got elected.
Perry then continues with he "cannot overestimate the danger that is facing us." Really?! Overestimate, OVERestimate, you can not OVERESTIMATE the danger that is facing us? Why don’t you try complete annihilation of the entire country, do you think that might be an overestimate? I do hope that you mean underestimate.
What is it about Texas Governors and their inability to speak?
Don’t get dead
“Texas governor: Hurricane Ike will be dangerous
HOUSTON - Texas Gov. Rick Perry is urging residents to finish storm preparations ahead of a very dangerous Hurricane Ike.
Perry told reporters Thursday that Ike is a gigantic storm, and says he "cannot overestimate the danger that is facing us."
Ike is expected to become at least a Category 3 storm with winds upward of 111 mph before it comes ashore. Hurricane warnings are in effect from the Louisiana coast to Morgan City.
Authorities are trying to avoid traffic gridlock similar to an evacuation during Hurricane Rita three years ago. Only eight zip codes in low-lying areas and near Galveston Bay are under mandatory evacuation orders.
Traffic is stacked bumper to bumper on one freeway leading away from Galveston County and into the Houston metropolitan area.”
So let’s see, this hurricane is a “gigantic storm”, no shit? Who would have thunk it? Who would have ever thought that this hurricane that everyone, even REMOTELY related to news or weather, has been talking about for weeks might have some considerable size. Wow, I can see how you got elected.
Perry then continues with he "cannot overestimate the danger that is facing us." Really?! Overestimate, OVERestimate, you can not OVERESTIMATE the danger that is facing us? Why don’t you try complete annihilation of the entire country, do you think that might be an overestimate? I do hope that you mean underestimate.
What is it about Texas Governors and their inability to speak?
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Divorce haiku
The other day I was doing some surfing while I had a few moments of free time and I came across this post from a woman who had written several haikus about her divorce and her soon to be ex-husband. Someone needs a spoon full of sugar to get her medicine down.
I can understand being upset about the wrongs that have been bestowed upon her. But damn she all but called him a little wanker who couldn’t get off an inmate in a womens prison with a fistful of pardons.
You can almost hear the maitre d’ now, “Bitter, table of one. Bitter, table of one”
But I have to admit, she had talent for writing. Her haikus where very well structured and got her point across without question. I think she has a PhD in bitch.
Yikes!
Don’t get dead
I can understand being upset about the wrongs that have been bestowed upon her. But damn she all but called him a little wanker who couldn’t get off an inmate in a womens prison with a fistful of pardons.
You can almost hear the maitre d’ now, “Bitter, table of one. Bitter, table of one”
But I have to admit, she had talent for writing. Her haikus where very well structured and got her point across without question. I think she has a PhD in bitch.
Yikes!
Don’t get dead
Movies
I found this on another blog and thought that it was funny so I decided to post it here as well. I am by no means saying that this is mine, just sharing it. I can't remember where I saw it or I would have posted the link.
Enjoy
My friend “Lucky” on MySpace recently posted a blog listing a number of movies she would like to see and challenging her readers to make a list of their own. Drawing on my long years of experience in the TV Listings industry, here are my selections:
Out on a Lamb Chop
(Children) A lovable sock puppet discovers she was a ventriloquist’s dummy in a previous life.
Clash of the Titanic
(Drama) Perseus sinks his fortune in the “unsinkable” Argo only to learn that he has been fleeced. [Yeah, I know … it’s “Jason and the Argonauts,” but it’s all Greek to me. Troy, Troy again, I guess.]
Brokeback to the Future
(Science Fiction) Marty and Doc explore their feelings for one another in the Hill Valley of 1955.
It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Max
(Comedy) An all-star cast races to find a cache of gasoline buried somewhere in a post-holocaust Australian Outback in this comic tour de force.
Children of a Lesser Godfather
(Drama) Francis Ford Coppola directs this powerful drama that chronicles a family of deaf mobsters over a span of ten years.
Citizen Caine Mutiny
(Drama) A Machiavellian newspaperman weathers a typhoon in 1944 Manhattan.
Singin’ in the Rainman
(Musical) An autistic singer and dancer “definitely” makes the transition from silent films to talkies.
Wild, Wild West Side Story
(Western) Two gunslingers in the 1950s face a gang of murderous teens in New York’s Hell’s Kitchen.
Breakfast Club at Tiffany’s
(Drama) Five eccentric socialites are thrown together and discover that they are five eccentric socialites.
The Grapes of Wrath of Khan
(Science Fiction) A group of genetically enhanced supermen steal a starship in order to flee an ecologically ravaged Ceti Alpha V in search of a better life in Oklahoma.
The Princess Bride of Frankenstein
(Comedy) A beautiful young re-animated woman keeps the audience in stitches as she searches for her one true love.
Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof
(Musical) A Southern family in crisis struggles to hold on their way of life when a melodious eastern European Jewish family moves in next door.
My Fair Lady and the Tramp
(Musical-Animated) A Cocker Spaniel and a mongrel are passed off as royalty by their boorish trainer.
Pee-Wee’s Big Poseidon Adventure
(Comedy) A naïve onanist tries to regain his lost reputation after his career is capsized.
Village of the Damned Yankees
(Musical) A group of sinister British schoolchildren form a Little League baseball team to go head-to-head against the New York Yankees with the help of a crusty old coach played by Walter Matthau.
Don't get dead
Enjoy
My friend “Lucky” on MySpace recently posted a blog listing a number of movies she would like to see and challenging her readers to make a list of their own. Drawing on my long years of experience in the TV Listings industry, here are my selections:
Out on a Lamb Chop
(Children) A lovable sock puppet discovers she was a ventriloquist’s dummy in a previous life.
Clash of the Titanic
(Drama) Perseus sinks his fortune in the “unsinkable” Argo only to learn that he has been fleeced. [Yeah, I know … it’s “Jason and the Argonauts,” but it’s all Greek to me. Troy, Troy again, I guess.]
Brokeback to the Future
(Science Fiction) Marty and Doc explore their feelings for one another in the Hill Valley of 1955.
It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Max
(Comedy) An all-star cast races to find a cache of gasoline buried somewhere in a post-holocaust Australian Outback in this comic tour de force.
Children of a Lesser Godfather
(Drama) Francis Ford Coppola directs this powerful drama that chronicles a family of deaf mobsters over a span of ten years.
Citizen Caine Mutiny
(Drama) A Machiavellian newspaperman weathers a typhoon in 1944 Manhattan.
Singin’ in the Rainman
(Musical) An autistic singer and dancer “definitely” makes the transition from silent films to talkies.
Wild, Wild West Side Story
(Western) Two gunslingers in the 1950s face a gang of murderous teens in New York’s Hell’s Kitchen.
Breakfast Club at Tiffany’s
(Drama) Five eccentric socialites are thrown together and discover that they are five eccentric socialites.
The Grapes of Wrath of Khan
(Science Fiction) A group of genetically enhanced supermen steal a starship in order to flee an ecologically ravaged Ceti Alpha V in search of a better life in Oklahoma.
The Princess Bride of Frankenstein
(Comedy) A beautiful young re-animated woman keeps the audience in stitches as she searches for her one true love.
Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof
(Musical) A Southern family in crisis struggles to hold on their way of life when a melodious eastern European Jewish family moves in next door.
My Fair Lady and the Tramp
(Musical-Animated) A Cocker Spaniel and a mongrel are passed off as royalty by their boorish trainer.
Pee-Wee’s Big Poseidon Adventure
(Comedy) A naïve onanist tries to regain his lost reputation after his career is capsized.
Village of the Damned Yankees
(Musical) A group of sinister British schoolchildren form a Little League baseball team to go head-to-head against the New York Yankees with the help of a crusty old coach played by Walter Matthau.
Don't get dead
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 9/7/08
Would you rather
go without television for the rest of your life
-OR-
go without junk food for the rest of your life?
For me this is an easy one, I would rather go without junk food. I don't get to watch much TV but I do like what I do get to watch.
Don't get dead
go without television for the rest of your life
-OR-
go without junk food for the rest of your life?
For me this is an easy one, I would rather go without junk food. I don't get to watch much TV but I do like what I do get to watch.
Don't get dead
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Last Night
I did something bad last night, really bad.
When I came home from work yesterday I went and cut the lawn and did a couple of things that needed to be taken care of outside. So after the lawn work was done and I got to a point on my outdoor projects that I was satisfied that I was at an acceptable stopping place so I went and sat on the back porch to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor.
For some reason, I felt the need to start a fire.
Don’t worry it was in my fire table. In case you don’t know, a fire table is an outdoor coffee table with a pit (for the lack of a better word) that you can light a fire in.
So there I am in the back yard with all of the exterior lights out, a fire burning and enjoying a nice drink.
And that’s when it happened.
I started to daydream just a little bit and decided to enjoy some music. I went to get my iPod and had this uncontrollable urge to listen to a mix of classic rock and southern rock. As I am gazing into the flames with a nice gentle breeze blowing I started to reminisce. I am sure that the memory inducing sounds of Boston, Bad Company, The Black Crows, Y&T, Autograph 38 Special, The Eagles & The Allman Brothers didn’t contribute to this preverbal trip down memory lane. But it was the first handful of notes and the words “Turn it up” of Lynard Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama” that kicked this trip into overdrive.
So there I am thinking back to bonfire parties at Jason Jones’ house, Chad (whose last name escapes me right now) land, the old Barn, the clay pits, Hollywood or any of the other places that we used to hang out at back home.
My mind couldn’t help but to think back to a multitude of Friday or Saturday fall nights with 30 – 50 of my best friends circling some form of burning wood, be it pallets, a tree that someone cut down or God knows what, with someone’s car stereo playing The Eagles’ “Seven Bridges Road” with almost everyone singing along. Of if I only had a tailgate to sit on at that time…
As this stroll through the outer banks of my memory continued, I can clearly remember talks of either the next day’s or that day’s SEC game and the friendly bickering back and forth between fans of rival teams. And I can remember knowing that if you saw this person, that person was either at the party or would be there shortly. So I guess I was getting a bit home sick.
That’s when it happened. As I looked back to the people in those memories I would this about this person or that person or this couple and then I would remember, oh they aren’t together and this person isn’t alive any more oh and I haven’t seen this guy in …. wow 15 years, I wonder what they are doing now and so many other things went through my mind.
And as I was looking back at some of the best memories of my life, I realized that life has moved on. And not that people have changed necessarily but that life has changed. And even though I am happy for everyone, I got a little sad for a moment thinking about how those are just memories now. Those times are no more. Not that the people are gone, but the situations are gone. No more will we be able to rally the troops for those great parties that we used to have. Of course I should be one to talk considering that I live half way across the country now. But what I would give for one more.
One more time where all of those faces would be there again. Once more, where we could all enjoy those laughs one more time. Just one more time to just see everyone, as we were, living the greatest lives known to man.
I know that they are just memories now, but I cherish them.
Don’t get dead
When I came home from work yesterday I went and cut the lawn and did a couple of things that needed to be taken care of outside. So after the lawn work was done and I got to a point on my outdoor projects that I was satisfied that I was at an acceptable stopping place so I went and sat on the back porch to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor.
For some reason, I felt the need to start a fire.
Don’t worry it was in my fire table. In case you don’t know, a fire table is an outdoor coffee table with a pit (for the lack of a better word) that you can light a fire in.
So there I am in the back yard with all of the exterior lights out, a fire burning and enjoying a nice drink.
And that’s when it happened.
I started to daydream just a little bit and decided to enjoy some music. I went to get my iPod and had this uncontrollable urge to listen to a mix of classic rock and southern rock. As I am gazing into the flames with a nice gentle breeze blowing I started to reminisce. I am sure that the memory inducing sounds of Boston, Bad Company, The Black Crows, Y&T, Autograph 38 Special, The Eagles & The Allman Brothers didn’t contribute to this preverbal trip down memory lane. But it was the first handful of notes and the words “Turn it up” of Lynard Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama” that kicked this trip into overdrive.
So there I am thinking back to bonfire parties at Jason Jones’ house, Chad (whose last name escapes me right now) land, the old Barn, the clay pits, Hollywood or any of the other places that we used to hang out at back home.
My mind couldn’t help but to think back to a multitude of Friday or Saturday fall nights with 30 – 50 of my best friends circling some form of burning wood, be it pallets, a tree that someone cut down or God knows what, with someone’s car stereo playing The Eagles’ “Seven Bridges Road” with almost everyone singing along. Of if I only had a tailgate to sit on at that time…
As this stroll through the outer banks of my memory continued, I can clearly remember talks of either the next day’s or that day’s SEC game and the friendly bickering back and forth between fans of rival teams. And I can remember knowing that if you saw this person, that person was either at the party or would be there shortly. So I guess I was getting a bit home sick.
That’s when it happened. As I looked back to the people in those memories I would this about this person or that person or this couple and then I would remember, oh they aren’t together and this person isn’t alive any more oh and I haven’t seen this guy in …. wow 15 years, I wonder what they are doing now and so many other things went through my mind.
And as I was looking back at some of the best memories of my life, I realized that life has moved on. And not that people have changed necessarily but that life has changed. And even though I am happy for everyone, I got a little sad for a moment thinking about how those are just memories now. Those times are no more. Not that the people are gone, but the situations are gone. No more will we be able to rally the troops for those great parties that we used to have. Of course I should be one to talk considering that I live half way across the country now. But what I would give for one more.
One more time where all of those faces would be there again. Once more, where we could all enjoy those laughs one more time. Just one more time to just see everyone, as we were, living the greatest lives known to man.
I know that they are just memories now, but I cherish them.
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo Question for 9/6/08
Would you rather
live the rest of your live with no teeth
-OR-
live the rest of your life with the hic-ups?
For me, it would have to be the teeth, I could get dentures or something but having the hick-ups while doing the wild monkey dance would really suck.
Don't get dead
live the rest of your live with no teeth
-OR-
live the rest of your life with the hic-ups?
For me, it would have to be the teeth, I could get dentures or something but having the hick-ups while doing the wild monkey dance would really suck.
Don't get dead
Friday, September 05, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 9/5/08
Would you rather
bite the head off a live gopher
-OR-
thoroughly lick a cat's butt?
Easy one again, for me it would be to bite the head off of a live gopher. I mean you could do it quick and you wouldn’t have to absorb anything, but your tongue on a cat’s ass? Oh no way! Cats are only good for one thing, field goals!
Don’t get dead
bite the head off a live gopher
-OR-
thoroughly lick a cat's butt?
Easy one again, for me it would be to bite the head off of a live gopher. I mean you could do it quick and you wouldn’t have to absorb anything, but your tongue on a cat’s ass? Oh no way! Cats are only good for one thing, field goals!
Don’t get dead
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Shrooms!
Over the Labor Day weekend we have a shrimp boil and one of the things that I like to add to my shrimp boil is mushrooms. During the course of the day there was some conversation over mushrooms and of course it reminded me of a story or two.
While living in Virginia I went to see Pink Floyd in concert (F’ING AWESOME show, RFK stadium in D.C. sold out for three nights in a row, yeah, it was killer). While we are tailgating and prepping for the show this guy walks by the group of us who were going to the show together and says to this one guy in our group, “Hey big man… shroooooooommms”. My friend looks at me and gives me this WTF look. I said to him, “You can eat them and trip and some people make tea out of them to drink and trip”. He turns to the door-to-door fungus salesman and says, “You better get the fuck away from me man” to which the toadstool trader replied with his hands out in front of him, “it’s cool man, it’s cool!” and walked away.
So my friend asked me, people really eat mushrooms and hallucinate? I told him yeah and that they have to be special one’s which grow out of cow manure. The look on his face and the response was classic. And I quote “You mean to tell me people eat mushrooms out of cow patties?!” After I wiped up the beer that I shot out of my nose I told him yeah, those are the ones. I went on to tell him about how you can make tea with them and get the same effect and so on.
After talking about this people usually ask me the same question, “How do you know about this?” To which I tell them that I am a junkie. Of course I’m not, I am a saint! My halo should be here in 6 to 8 weeks :). Back to how do I know, which is another story.
Back home, while in high school I was at some party that God only know who was throwing out in some double-wide in the middle of nowhere. How I got there, why I was there and what possessed me to go to said function are irrelevant to the story. But I am there and as fate would have it there are chicks there, chicks who I have not met yet so they have no idea how big of an asshole I am yet, sweeeet!
So I see this guy that I know sitting on this washer (or dryer, not sure which one and didn’t really care) in this hallway of sorts in the middle of this double-wide doing what appears to be talking to two girls. Upon site of this I knew that I must put a stop to this right away. Oh yeah, the intentional cock-block, the very worst kind.
But as I got closer I realized that he wasn’t talking to them and it looked like his head was looking back and forth down the hallway, but just once. He would look to his left and then to his right and then mumble something.
Just in case he was about to strike up a conversation with these girls, I decided to nip it. So I stroll over and start to chit-chat with these girls, purposely putting myself between the Maytag man and the girls. After a few minutes I look over and see this dude sweating like he wrote bad checks and looking down the hallway to his right and then down to his left and ask him what he is saying, to which he mumbles something about not talking to me. Oookay. Back to talking to these chicks. A few minutes later I notice his head turn to the left and then to the right which was followed by something that was in inaudible. So I ask this guy what he said again and again I get some form of an answer stating that he is not talking to me. Ok, and again back to talking to these girls. The third time that I notice this slow head turn one direction and then the other followed by some mumbling, I look over and say “what?” and he says “I am not talking to you!” So I had to ask “Who the F are you talking to then?!”.
You know, in all of my years on this planet, I have only heard this response one time. And if I gave you 1,000 guesses, you probably wouldn’t guess what his response was.
His response was “Kermit the Frog”. Which was followed up with, “the S.O.B. walked by me three times before he ever said anything to me”.
All I could muster was “Ho…Wha... HUH?” “What do you mean Kermit the Frog, are you a fucking idiot?!” Now these girls don’t know to be scared or laugh and I am embarrassed that I know this fool. He then continues by pointing at a spot of the floor which is where he assumed Kermit was and then I guess he snapped out of it because he looked puzzled and couldn’t find Kermit, or Miss Piggy or Gonzo or even Animal for that matter. So this tool has my full attention now. I mean you got to right. How do you pass up something like that? And I asked him out right, “Are you retarded or something?” And he gets pissed at me, like I am the one who is talking to puppets that aren’t there. PUPPETS!! Not a dog or a fictional character from a movie or a dead person, no he thought he was having a conversation with cloth and foam! But I am the a-hole for questioning him on this.
After talking to him for a bit we find out that he has sucked down almost a half gallon of mushroom tea. This is when I found out all that is shroom tea and of its magical powers.
Of course the rest of the night we told him that Snuffaluffagus was looking for him and that he was going to kick the crap out of him. Why not pick a puppet that only Bigbird could see right?
Don’t get dead
While living in Virginia I went to see Pink Floyd in concert (F’ING AWESOME show, RFK stadium in D.C. sold out for three nights in a row, yeah, it was killer). While we are tailgating and prepping for the show this guy walks by the group of us who were going to the show together and says to this one guy in our group, “Hey big man… shroooooooommms”. My friend looks at me and gives me this WTF look. I said to him, “You can eat them and trip and some people make tea out of them to drink and trip”. He turns to the door-to-door fungus salesman and says, “You better get the fuck away from me man” to which the toadstool trader replied with his hands out in front of him, “it’s cool man, it’s cool!” and walked away.
So my friend asked me, people really eat mushrooms and hallucinate? I told him yeah and that they have to be special one’s which grow out of cow manure. The look on his face and the response was classic. And I quote “You mean to tell me people eat mushrooms out of cow patties?!” After I wiped up the beer that I shot out of my nose I told him yeah, those are the ones. I went on to tell him about how you can make tea with them and get the same effect and so on.
After talking about this people usually ask me the same question, “How do you know about this?” To which I tell them that I am a junkie. Of course I’m not, I am a saint! My halo should be here in 6 to 8 weeks :). Back to how do I know, which is another story.
Back home, while in high school I was at some party that God only know who was throwing out in some double-wide in the middle of nowhere. How I got there, why I was there and what possessed me to go to said function are irrelevant to the story. But I am there and as fate would have it there are chicks there, chicks who I have not met yet so they have no idea how big of an asshole I am yet, sweeeet!
So I see this guy that I know sitting on this washer (or dryer, not sure which one and didn’t really care) in this hallway of sorts in the middle of this double-wide doing what appears to be talking to two girls. Upon site of this I knew that I must put a stop to this right away. Oh yeah, the intentional cock-block, the very worst kind.
But as I got closer I realized that he wasn’t talking to them and it looked like his head was looking back and forth down the hallway, but just once. He would look to his left and then to his right and then mumble something.
Just in case he was about to strike up a conversation with these girls, I decided to nip it. So I stroll over and start to chit-chat with these girls, purposely putting myself between the Maytag man and the girls. After a few minutes I look over and see this dude sweating like he wrote bad checks and looking down the hallway to his right and then down to his left and ask him what he is saying, to which he mumbles something about not talking to me. Oookay. Back to talking to these chicks. A few minutes later I notice his head turn to the left and then to the right which was followed by something that was in inaudible. So I ask this guy what he said again and again I get some form of an answer stating that he is not talking to me. Ok, and again back to talking to these girls. The third time that I notice this slow head turn one direction and then the other followed by some mumbling, I look over and say “what?” and he says “I am not talking to you!” So I had to ask “Who the F are you talking to then?!”.
You know, in all of my years on this planet, I have only heard this response one time. And if I gave you 1,000 guesses, you probably wouldn’t guess what his response was.
His response was “Kermit the Frog”. Which was followed up with, “the S.O.B. walked by me three times before he ever said anything to me”.
All I could muster was “Ho…Wha... HUH?” “What do you mean Kermit the Frog, are you a fucking idiot?!” Now these girls don’t know to be scared or laugh and I am embarrassed that I know this fool. He then continues by pointing at a spot of the floor which is where he assumed Kermit was and then I guess he snapped out of it because he looked puzzled and couldn’t find Kermit, or Miss Piggy or Gonzo or even Animal for that matter. So this tool has my full attention now. I mean you got to right. How do you pass up something like that? And I asked him out right, “Are you retarded or something?” And he gets pissed at me, like I am the one who is talking to puppets that aren’t there. PUPPETS!! Not a dog or a fictional character from a movie or a dead person, no he thought he was having a conversation with cloth and foam! But I am the a-hole for questioning him on this.
After talking to him for a bit we find out that he has sucked down almost a half gallon of mushroom tea. This is when I found out all that is shroom tea and of its magical powers.
Of course the rest of the night we told him that Snuffaluffagus was looking for him and that he was going to kick the crap out of him. Why not pick a puppet that only Bigbird could see right?
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo Question for 9/4/08
Would you rather
chew shards of broken glass
-OR-
sit on a lighted barbecue grill?
I got to say for me, it would be the broken glass ones. Cuts will heal but if I burn off Little Elvis and the twins, there is no coming back from that.
Don’t get dead
chew shards of broken glass
-OR-
sit on a lighted barbecue grill?
I got to say for me, it would be the broken glass ones. Cuts will heal but if I burn off Little Elvis and the twins, there is no coming back from that.
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 9/3/08
Would you rather
suck clean an unknown person's set of dentures
-OR-
eat popcorn that has been blown out of an elephant's trunk?
Don't get dead
suck clean an unknown person's set of dentures
-OR-
eat popcorn that has been blown out of an elephant's trunk?
Don't get dead
Who would you bring back and On This Day
If you could bring back any one rock star for one gig, who would it be? There are tons of great musicians who have passed, many before their time. So if you could bring back any one rock star, who would it be? Would you bring back Hendrix? Rhodes? Freddie Mercury? Keith Moon? John Bonham? Phil Lynott? Stevie Ray Vaughn? What about Elvis, Dimebag Darrell, Otis Redding, Bon Scott, John Lennon, Ronnie Van Zant or Janis Joplin? There are tons to pick from, who would you pick?
Also, some interesting things from this day in music.
2005, Blues musician Fats Domino was rescued from New Orleans shortly after Hurricane Katrina hit the city. The 77-year-old singer had been reported missing since the storm in New Orleans which had flooding the city leaving thousands feared dead.
1999, the largest music bootleg bust in US history was made. It was estimated that this one operation alone was responsible for $100 million in lost revenues. Recording equipment valued at $250,000 was confiscated, as were almost 1 million CDs and tapes.
1968, after a two week absence, Ringo Starr rejoined The Beatles. Starr had quit the band when he found out that Paul McCartney had been erasing drum tracks and replacing them with his own. Upon Ringo's return to the studio, he found his drum kit covered with flowers to welcome him back.
1965, a Rolling Stones gig in Dublin, Ireland ended in a riot after 30 fans jumped onto the stage. Jagger was knocked to the floor as the rest of the band fled the stage.
1964, during a US tour The Beatles played two shows at the Indiana State Fair in Indianapolis. They were paid $85,000 for the shows, tickets cost $4.00.
1955, Bill Haley & his Comets turned down a $2,000 offer for a 15-date tour of Australia because of their fear of flying.
September 3rd: Born on this day
1984, Born on this day, Robert Curry, US singer with Day26, also known as a contestant on the TV show Making the Band 4.
1980, Born on this day, Jay 'Cone' McCaslin, Sum 41, (2001 UK No 13 single 'In Too Deep').
1979, Born on this day, Tomislav 'Tomo' Milichevich Sarajevo, lead guitarist, 30 Seconds to Mars.
1973, Born on this day, Jennifer Paige, US singer, (1998 UK No.4 single, 'Crush'.
1973, Born on this day, David Mead, US singer, songwriter. (2001 UK airplay hit ‘Girl On The Roof’).
1962, Born on this day, Lester Noel, Beats International, (1990 UK No.1 single 'Dub Be Good To Me' featuring vocalist former actress in TV's 'Grange Hill', Lindy Layton, produced by Norman Cook).
1957, Born on this day, Suzanne Freitag, Propaganda, (1985 UK No.21 single 'Duel').
1952, Born on this day, Leroy Smith, Sweet Sensation, (1974 UK No.1 single with 'Sad Sweet Dreamer').
1948, Born on this day, Donald Brewer, Grand Funk Railroad, (1974 US No.1 single 'The Locomotion'). Most successful US Heavy Metal band of the 70's selling over 20m albums.
1947, Born on this day, Eric Bell, Thin Lizzy, (1973 UK No.6 single 'Whisky In The Jar').
1945, Born on this day, George Biondo, Steppenwolf, (1969 UK No.30 single 'Born To Be Wild').
1944, Born on this day, Gary Leeds, The Walker Brothers, (1966 UK No.1 & US No.13 single 'The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore').
1942, Born on this day, Al Jardine, The Beach Boys, (1966 UK & US No.1 single 'Good Vibrations', plus over 25 other UK Top 40 singles).
1934, Born on this day, blues guitarist Freddie King. Eric Clapton covered his 'Have You Ever Loved A Woman' on the 'Layla' album. Died on 27th December 1976 of heart trouble and Ulcers aged 42.
September 3rd: I knew the bride
2007, during a US tour with Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance singer Gerard Way married Mindless Self Indulgence bassist Lyn Z after a gig in Colorado.
Don't get dead
Also, some interesting things from this day in music.
2005, Blues musician Fats Domino was rescued from New Orleans shortly after Hurricane Katrina hit the city. The 77-year-old singer had been reported missing since the storm in New Orleans which had flooding the city leaving thousands feared dead.
1999, the largest music bootleg bust in US history was made. It was estimated that this one operation alone was responsible for $100 million in lost revenues. Recording equipment valued at $250,000 was confiscated, as were almost 1 million CDs and tapes.
1968, after a two week absence, Ringo Starr rejoined The Beatles. Starr had quit the band when he found out that Paul McCartney had been erasing drum tracks and replacing them with his own. Upon Ringo's return to the studio, he found his drum kit covered with flowers to welcome him back.
1965, a Rolling Stones gig in Dublin, Ireland ended in a riot after 30 fans jumped onto the stage. Jagger was knocked to the floor as the rest of the band fled the stage.
1964, during a US tour The Beatles played two shows at the Indiana State Fair in Indianapolis. They were paid $85,000 for the shows, tickets cost $4.00.
1955, Bill Haley & his Comets turned down a $2,000 offer for a 15-date tour of Australia because of their fear of flying.
September 3rd: Born on this day
1984, Born on this day, Robert Curry, US singer with Day26, also known as a contestant on the TV show Making the Band 4.
1980, Born on this day, Jay 'Cone' McCaslin, Sum 41, (2001 UK No 13 single 'In Too Deep').
1979, Born on this day, Tomislav 'Tomo' Milichevich Sarajevo, lead guitarist, 30 Seconds to Mars.
1973, Born on this day, Jennifer Paige, US singer, (1998 UK No.4 single, 'Crush'.
1973, Born on this day, David Mead, US singer, songwriter. (2001 UK airplay hit ‘Girl On The Roof’).
1962, Born on this day, Lester Noel, Beats International, (1990 UK No.1 single 'Dub Be Good To Me' featuring vocalist former actress in TV's 'Grange Hill', Lindy Layton, produced by Norman Cook).
1957, Born on this day, Suzanne Freitag, Propaganda, (1985 UK No.21 single 'Duel').
1952, Born on this day, Leroy Smith, Sweet Sensation, (1974 UK No.1 single with 'Sad Sweet Dreamer').
1948, Born on this day, Donald Brewer, Grand Funk Railroad, (1974 US No.1 single 'The Locomotion'). Most successful US Heavy Metal band of the 70's selling over 20m albums.
1947, Born on this day, Eric Bell, Thin Lizzy, (1973 UK No.6 single 'Whisky In The Jar').
1945, Born on this day, George Biondo, Steppenwolf, (1969 UK No.30 single 'Born To Be Wild').
1944, Born on this day, Gary Leeds, The Walker Brothers, (1966 UK No.1 & US No.13 single 'The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore').
1942, Born on this day, Al Jardine, The Beach Boys, (1966 UK & US No.1 single 'Good Vibrations', plus over 25 other UK Top 40 singles).
1934, Born on this day, blues guitarist Freddie King. Eric Clapton covered his 'Have You Ever Loved A Woman' on the 'Layla' album. Died on 27th December 1976 of heart trouble and Ulcers aged 42.
September 3rd: I knew the bride
2007, during a US tour with Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance singer Gerard Way married Mindless Self Indulgence bassist Lyn Z after a gig in Colorado.
Don't get dead
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Just something that struck me as funny
In my building we have a receptionist named Dusti, nice girl nothing bad to say about her. But today she was either out of the office or running an errand or something and was not at her desk. In her place there was a considerably older white haired lady. But she had Dusti's nameplate on the desk. I just thought it was funny to see this older woman sitting at a desk being referred to as Dusti (dusty).
When I saw her, I thought of the "your momma is so old she farts dust" slam. And it just struck me as funny.
Don't get dead
When I saw her, I thought of the "your momma is so old she farts dust" slam. And it just struck me as funny.
Don't get dead
Zobmondo Question for 9/2/08
Would you rather
choose to see your future (without being able to change it)
-OR-
know everyone else's future and not be able to tell them?
Don't get dead
choose to see your future (without being able to change it)
-OR-
know everyone else's future and not be able to tell them?
Don't get dead
Monday, September 01, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Zobmondo Questions for 8/30/08 & 8/31/08
Would you rather
Develop the worst case of acne ever on record
-OR-
Have your spouse suffer with it?
Would you rather
Have to kill Winnie the Pooh
-OR-
Bambi?
Don't get dead
Develop the worst case of acne ever on record
-OR-
Have your spouse suffer with it?
Would you rather
Have to kill Winnie the Pooh
-OR-
Bambi?
Don't get dead
Friday, August 29, 2008
Don't get dead?
A lot of people have asked me, “What does don’t get dead mean?” Well, the answer is quite simple. While we are on this planet we are either living or dead. And if you are not living life to the fullest, you might as well be dead. It’s kind of a mantra.
Now I am not talking about going out and risking life and limb or doing a bunch of extreme stuff or anything specific, but I am talking about enjoying the time we have. So go out, do stuff, have fun, smile, laugh, and enjoy yourself. Have a party, go out and see the world, pursue an education, try new things but just don’t sit around and waist your life away. In other words, don’t get dead.
Trust me there is enough everyday stuff that can bring you down, don’t celebrate it by not taking advantage of all that this world has to offer.
But after I started blogging it takes on a second meaning, in short, don’t do stupid shit to get yourself killed.
So as Thaddeus Gunn said, “Keep Living like Thanksgiving”
OR
Don’t get dead
Now I am not talking about going out and risking life and limb or doing a bunch of extreme stuff or anything specific, but I am talking about enjoying the time we have. So go out, do stuff, have fun, smile, laugh, and enjoy yourself. Have a party, go out and see the world, pursue an education, try new things but just don’t sit around and waist your life away. In other words, don’t get dead.
Trust me there is enough everyday stuff that can bring you down, don’t celebrate it by not taking advantage of all that this world has to offer.
But after I started blogging it takes on a second meaning, in short, don’t do stupid shit to get yourself killed.
So as Thaddeus Gunn said, “Keep Living like Thanksgiving”
OR
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo Question for 8/29/08
Would you rather
have a beautiful mate who you could never get to orgasm
-OR-
have a less than attractive mate who you could make orgasm every time?
Don't get dead
have a beautiful mate who you could never get to orgasm
-OR-
have a less than attractive mate who you could make orgasm every time?
Don't get dead
Thursday, August 28, 2008
And I mean it in the nicest way
Have you ever heard someone say something like he has nice handwriting for a guy or she’s a good driver for a girl or she is cute for a big girl or he seems really nice for a black guy? Well all have right. But is it really a compliment if you have to qualify it?
Shouldn’t it just be he has nice handwriting, she is a good driver, she is cute or he seems really nice? Doesn’t it say something about you if you have to qualify a compliment?
Isn’t that like saying “I simply feel the need to say something nice to you but it’s not genuine”?
So why not go ahead and make it back-handed. Yeah, go ahead and degrade them to their face.
If you see someone who is overweight, tell them that they don’t smell too bad for a fat person. See a male member of another race, tell them that you would almost let them date your daughter. See a good looking tall guy, tell him that he is not bad looking for a freak of nature. See a decent looking big girl, tell her that she probably puts out well because she don’t have much else going for her. She an Asian woman, tell her that you bet she gives a mean happy ending for a slut. See a Hispanic woman, tell her that you would almost let her clean your house when you weren’t home. See a guy from the Middle East, tell him that his stench isn’t nearly as bad as most Middle Easterners. Why not?
What? It’s rude? It’s mean? Is it really? I mean if you are going to qualify your compliment aren’t you insulting the receiver of the compliment anyway? Just in an underhanded way. Why not just be a big person and be blatant about it? Don’t beat around the bush. Hell, just go all out and call them a mother fucker or something like that.
Or maybe, just maybe, leave the qualifying statement off and just give the compliment outright.
Don’t get dead
Shouldn’t it just be he has nice handwriting, she is a good driver, she is cute or he seems really nice? Doesn’t it say something about you if you have to qualify a compliment?
Isn’t that like saying “I simply feel the need to say something nice to you but it’s not genuine”?
So why not go ahead and make it back-handed. Yeah, go ahead and degrade them to their face.
If you see someone who is overweight, tell them that they don’t smell too bad for a fat person. See a male member of another race, tell them that you would almost let them date your daughter. See a good looking tall guy, tell him that he is not bad looking for a freak of nature. See a decent looking big girl, tell her that she probably puts out well because she don’t have much else going for her. She an Asian woman, tell her that you bet she gives a mean happy ending for a slut. See a Hispanic woman, tell her that you would almost let her clean your house when you weren’t home. See a guy from the Middle East, tell him that his stench isn’t nearly as bad as most Middle Easterners. Why not?
What? It’s rude? It’s mean? Is it really? I mean if you are going to qualify your compliment aren’t you insulting the receiver of the compliment anyway? Just in an underhanded way. Why not just be a big person and be blatant about it? Don’t beat around the bush. Hell, just go all out and call them a mother fucker or something like that.
Or maybe, just maybe, leave the qualifying statement off and just give the compliment outright.
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo Question for 8/28/08
Would you rather
be one of ten engineers who designed a bridge that one day collapses, resulting in 100 fatalities
-OR-
be the only engineer of a bridge that one day collapses, resulting in one fatality?
Don't get dead
be one of ten engineers who designed a bridge that one day collapses, resulting in 100 fatalities
-OR-
be the only engineer of a bridge that one day collapses, resulting in one fatality?
Don't get dead
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 8/27/08
Would you rather
hit every red light for the rest of your life
-OR-
always be wrong?
Don't get dead
hit every red light for the rest of your life
-OR-
always be wrong?
Don't get dead
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Dear Sweezey – Conflicted
Dear Sweezey,
So, I wish I had a girlfriend but girls annoy the piss outta me. Anytime I find one remotely interesting I think to myself, "Self, you're the man. Talk to her, ask her out." and when I go to actually do it my inner voice says, "PSYCH! You suck loser. You're not interesting and she's not interested in you." I don't know anybody in Dallas and I get lonely a lot. I used to be a really confident person and now I just feel like a loser. I guess I only see the negative in myself but I see the positives in everyone else. I just haven't had a lot of affirmation lately from anyone about how I'm doing in life. I literally stay in my apartment until it's time for work. I drive to work, I drive home, and repeat. It's tough to go out when you don't know anybody cuz you don't want to be the guy who goes to the bar or the movies by himself. I go to the gym every once in a while but I can't gather up the courage to talk to anyone that I don't know. Seriously, who wants to be bothered by some big ogre looking dude while they're trying to work out? I don't know where I got this negative self-image from but it sucks. I need someone to stroke my ego. Not you though....Thats another thing, I don't want any help from anyone ever. I bitch about how much my life sucks but when people try to throw me a bone I tell them to keep it. I don't know what the point of me writing this is but whatever, I wrote it.
- Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
I think you DO want my help, or you wouldn’t have written me. So I will give it a shot.
First thing is that you think too much. Dude, if you see a chick you like, talk to her. In your case, let the little head do the thinking for you. That grey crap between your ears is what is killing you. And don’t over think this stuff, you make it way more complicated than it needs to be. Don’t look at a girl and start to visualize having a family with her, think about having dinner with her first. Don’t put the cart before the horse.
There are several ways that you can get to know people. First one is to get one of those dating websites. Seriously, if you just want to go and meet people and have some fun, sign up. I have a buddy who works for Match.com, who was in town from London over the weekend. He was telling us that there are literally millions of people on these sites. If you don’t want to drop the cash to join one I think Yahoo has free personals.
You got to do something other than sit in your apartment if you want to meet people. Unless you got the hots for the pizza delivery guy or the mailman you got to get out and be seen. I doubt highly that there are any chicks who just go door to door seeing who is inside incase they want to get to know them. Come on dude, get your goofy ass out to where people are. What are your hobbies/likes? Go to places where people do things you like. You like music? Go to a club that has live music. You like technology stuff… go to… Best Buy or somewhere like that. You like cars, go to car shows. See a trend here? And go to the mall, shop for a shirt, if you see a chick that you like, ask her what she thinks about that shirt for you or something. Just open your cake hole (make sure you brushed your teeth) and talk to them. Go to the grocery store and ask a girl if she knows how to tell if a melon is ripe, which works on two levels! Do something, damn dude, go get a cup of coffee at Starbucks, they are on every damn corner in town. An just strike up a conversation with a girl. Just not politics, religion or gun control.
The reason that I am sending you to look for girls is two fold, one – it’s the easiest way to get to know people if you have an interest such as physical attraction. And two, I guarantee you that she is going to have friends, and she is going to want to go out with these friends, which you will get invited along. Instant networking.
But the simplest and most effective way to meet people is to throw a party. Yeah, hell yeah, have a party at your apartment. Clean it up, hide your stroke mags and comic books and invite everyone that you work with. The reason you invite everyone is because until people get to know you the majority of the people you work with aren’t going to come and people have VERY different lives outside of the office. So the biggest A-hole in the office might be a hell of a lot of fun after-hours. Oh, and make sure you let them know that they can bring friends to the party too. The next thing you need to do is to have something for people to snack on and have at least plenty of beer. Turn on a popular radio station or something and just keep smiling.
If that is not quite your style, maybe you should try something we used to do called Viewing Parties. They are very simple and work quite well. Find something to watch with a theme and invite people over. So, say on Thursday night you set up a Cheech and Chong Viewing Party. You go and rent or buy all of the Cheech and Chong movies (or Eddie Murphy movies, or Star Wars or what ever), again either pizza or snack and beer and invite everyone. It’s not about what you are watching, it’s about social networking. You invite Bob from work and Bob is popular and he brings his date Mary, well the next time you have a party Bob and Mary bring their friend Cindy and bam, you just made new friends. Get it?
Damnit, I started to go off on you and ended up giving you real advice. I didn’t unleash a barrage of sarcasm on you.
Crap!
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
So, I wish I had a girlfriend but girls annoy the piss outta me. Anytime I find one remotely interesting I think to myself, "Self, you're the man. Talk to her, ask her out." and when I go to actually do it my inner voice says, "PSYCH! You suck loser. You're not interesting and she's not interested in you." I don't know anybody in Dallas and I get lonely a lot. I used to be a really confident person and now I just feel like a loser. I guess I only see the negative in myself but I see the positives in everyone else. I just haven't had a lot of affirmation lately from anyone about how I'm doing in life. I literally stay in my apartment until it's time for work. I drive to work, I drive home, and repeat. It's tough to go out when you don't know anybody cuz you don't want to be the guy who goes to the bar or the movies by himself. I go to the gym every once in a while but I can't gather up the courage to talk to anyone that I don't know. Seriously, who wants to be bothered by some big ogre looking dude while they're trying to work out? I don't know where I got this negative self-image from but it sucks. I need someone to stroke my ego. Not you though....Thats another thing, I don't want any help from anyone ever. I bitch about how much my life sucks but when people try to throw me a bone I tell them to keep it. I don't know what the point of me writing this is but whatever, I wrote it.
- Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
I think you DO want my help, or you wouldn’t have written me. So I will give it a shot.
First thing is that you think too much. Dude, if you see a chick you like, talk to her. In your case, let the little head do the thinking for you. That grey crap between your ears is what is killing you. And don’t over think this stuff, you make it way more complicated than it needs to be. Don’t look at a girl and start to visualize having a family with her, think about having dinner with her first. Don’t put the cart before the horse.
There are several ways that you can get to know people. First one is to get one of those dating websites. Seriously, if you just want to go and meet people and have some fun, sign up. I have a buddy who works for Match.com, who was in town from London over the weekend. He was telling us that there are literally millions of people on these sites. If you don’t want to drop the cash to join one I think Yahoo has free personals.
You got to do something other than sit in your apartment if you want to meet people. Unless you got the hots for the pizza delivery guy or the mailman you got to get out and be seen. I doubt highly that there are any chicks who just go door to door seeing who is inside incase they want to get to know them. Come on dude, get your goofy ass out to where people are. What are your hobbies/likes? Go to places where people do things you like. You like music? Go to a club that has live music. You like technology stuff… go to… Best Buy or somewhere like that. You like cars, go to car shows. See a trend here? And go to the mall, shop for a shirt, if you see a chick that you like, ask her what she thinks about that shirt for you or something. Just open your cake hole (make sure you brushed your teeth) and talk to them. Go to the grocery store and ask a girl if she knows how to tell if a melon is ripe, which works on two levels! Do something, damn dude, go get a cup of coffee at Starbucks, they are on every damn corner in town. An just strike up a conversation with a girl. Just not politics, religion or gun control.
The reason that I am sending you to look for girls is two fold, one – it’s the easiest way to get to know people if you have an interest such as physical attraction. And two, I guarantee you that she is going to have friends, and she is going to want to go out with these friends, which you will get invited along. Instant networking.
But the simplest and most effective way to meet people is to throw a party. Yeah, hell yeah, have a party at your apartment. Clean it up, hide your stroke mags and comic books and invite everyone that you work with. The reason you invite everyone is because until people get to know you the majority of the people you work with aren’t going to come and people have VERY different lives outside of the office. So the biggest A-hole in the office might be a hell of a lot of fun after-hours. Oh, and make sure you let them know that they can bring friends to the party too. The next thing you need to do is to have something for people to snack on and have at least plenty of beer. Turn on a popular radio station or something and just keep smiling.
If that is not quite your style, maybe you should try something we used to do called Viewing Parties. They are very simple and work quite well. Find something to watch with a theme and invite people over. So, say on Thursday night you set up a Cheech and Chong Viewing Party. You go and rent or buy all of the Cheech and Chong movies (or Eddie Murphy movies, or Star Wars or what ever), again either pizza or snack and beer and invite everyone. It’s not about what you are watching, it’s about social networking. You invite Bob from work and Bob is popular and he brings his date Mary, well the next time you have a party Bob and Mary bring their friend Cindy and bam, you just made new friends. Get it?
Damnit, I started to go off on you and ended up giving you real advice. I didn’t unleash a barrage of sarcasm on you.
Crap!
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo Question for 8/26/08
Would you rather
Not have sex for two years
-OR-
not be able to use the Internet for two years?
Don't get dead
Not have sex for two years
-OR-
not be able to use the Internet for two years?
Don't get dead
Monday, August 25, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 8/25/08
Would you rather
Be on vacation with your 60 year-old parents and have your mom insist on wearing a thong bikini
-OR-
have your dad insist on wearing a tiny, Euro-style bikini bathing suit?
Don't get dead
Be on vacation with your 60 year-old parents and have your mom insist on wearing a thong bikini
-OR-
have your dad insist on wearing a tiny, Euro-style bikini bathing suit?
Don't get dead
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 8/24/08
Sorry if this isn’t the best Zobmondo question, but I am recovering from a nice little poker party last night. We were tearing it up, Plenty of boozing, BSing and bluffing. Sadly I didn’t come home with the cash this time. But I may (or may not) blog about the party later.
So the question for today is
Would you rather
Live without music
-OR-
Live without T.V.?
Don’t get dead
So the question for today is
Would you rather
Live without music
-OR-
Live without T.V.?
Don’t get dead
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 8/23/08
Would you rather
On a first date, wear a T-shirt that says, “I’m with Stupid”
-OR-
a T-shirt that ask, “Who Cut The Cheese?”
Don't get dead
On a first date, wear a T-shirt that says, “I’m with Stupid”
-OR-
a T-shirt that ask, “Who Cut The Cheese?”
Don't get dead
Friday, August 22, 2008
More odd news
Sheriff goes to jail for an education
CHICAGO (Reuters) - There's a new sheriff in jail.
Sheriff Mark Curran of Lake County, Illinois, walked into his own jail on Wednesday to spend a week as a prisoner, saying he was divinely inspired to learn what it was like to be confined and to sample jail programs designed to reduce recidivism.
"The biblical adage that we reap what we sow is very true in criminal justice," said Curran, 45, before exchanging his business suit for a prison jumpsuit at the Waukegan, Illinois, facility near Chicago.
Illinois "has historically had one of the worst-run prison systems in the nation ... treating inmates like caged animals only to see them released back into their communities angrier and more bitter than they originally were," he said.
Curran will spend time in the general population of some 600 inmates who are awaiting trial on charges of murder, rape and lesser crimes, though at times he will have his own cell.
He will sit in on high school equivalency classes, and spend a night in the high-security unit and in the medical unit.
What a royal screw job for the tax payers in Lake County. So not only would they be paying taxes for his salary they will be paying taxes for him to be imprisoned for a week. Paying taxes for his cell, his jumpsuit, laundry, food, air-conditioning and paying taxes to pay the teachers in the classes that he is sitting in on.
Talk about getting the shaft. I hope Mark Curran isn’t up for re-election this year, this would be political gold. And since the sheriff is an elected official, who wouldn’t use this against him?
Makes you hope that he becomes D-Bo’s bitch while he is in there. You know, to give him the realistic experience.
If I lived in Lake County I would raise all kinds of stink demanding that the sheriff either gives up his salary or the cost of taking care of a prisoner for one week, which ever is higher.
While I don’t live in Lake County, don’t know this guy, don’t have anything against cops or any sort thing like that, I am a tax payer. And I would be mega-pissed if my tax dollars where being used twice for this goofballs experiment.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.
Don’t get dead
CHICAGO (Reuters) - There's a new sheriff in jail.
Sheriff Mark Curran of Lake County, Illinois, walked into his own jail on Wednesday to spend a week as a prisoner, saying he was divinely inspired to learn what it was like to be confined and to sample jail programs designed to reduce recidivism.
"The biblical adage that we reap what we sow is very true in criminal justice," said Curran, 45, before exchanging his business suit for a prison jumpsuit at the Waukegan, Illinois, facility near Chicago.
Illinois "has historically had one of the worst-run prison systems in the nation ... treating inmates like caged animals only to see them released back into their communities angrier and more bitter than they originally were," he said.
Curran will spend time in the general population of some 600 inmates who are awaiting trial on charges of murder, rape and lesser crimes, though at times he will have his own cell.
He will sit in on high school equivalency classes, and spend a night in the high-security unit and in the medical unit.
What a royal screw job for the tax payers in Lake County. So not only would they be paying taxes for his salary they will be paying taxes for him to be imprisoned for a week. Paying taxes for his cell, his jumpsuit, laundry, food, air-conditioning and paying taxes to pay the teachers in the classes that he is sitting in on.
Talk about getting the shaft. I hope Mark Curran isn’t up for re-election this year, this would be political gold. And since the sheriff is an elected official, who wouldn’t use this against him?
Makes you hope that he becomes D-Bo’s bitch while he is in there. You know, to give him the realistic experience.
If I lived in Lake County I would raise all kinds of stink demanding that the sheriff either gives up his salary or the cost of taking care of a prisoner for one week, which ever is higher.
While I don’t live in Lake County, don’t know this guy, don’t have anything against cops or any sort thing like that, I am a tax payer. And I would be mega-pissed if my tax dollars where being used twice for this goofballs experiment.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo Question for 8/22/08
Would you rather
Be forced to preface everything you say with the phrase "Tuck it in" under threat of being slapped
-OR-
have a magnetic head?
Don't get dead
Be forced to preface everything you say with the phrase "Tuck it in" under threat of being slapped
-OR-
have a magnetic head?
Don't get dead
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Odd news story
Baby pronounced dead lives after hours in cooler
JERUSALEM (Reuters) - A stillborn Israeli baby who was pronounced dead by doctors "came back to life" on Monday after spending hours in a hospital refrigerator.
The baby, weighing only 600 grams at birth, spent at least five hours inside one of the hospital's refrigerated storage units, before her parents, who had taken her to be buried, began noticing some movement.
"We unwrapped her and felt she was moving. We didn't believe it at first. Then she began holding my mother's hand, and then we saw her open her mouth," said 26-year-old Faiza Magdoub, the baby's mother.
The baby was pronounced dead several hours earlier, after doctors at Western Galilee hospital in northern Israel were forced to abort her mother's pregnancy because of internal bleeding. Magdoub was 23 weeks into her pregnancy.
"We don't know how to explain this, so when we don't know how to explain things in the medical world we call it a miracle, and this is probably what happened," hospital deputy director Moshe Daniel said.
The baby was then taken to the hospital's neonatal intensive care unit for further treatment, but doctors were not sure how long she will live.
Motti Ravid, a professor of internal medicine, told Israel's Channel 10 that the low temperature inside the cooler had slowed down the baby's metabolism and likely helped her survive.
So the obvious thing here is that this baby came back to life in Jerusalem, seems like I heard about that happening before in that same area.
When this little girl is old enough to walk you know damn well someone is going to fill a tub, bucket, mixing bowl or something with water to see if she can walk on it. And if she can, you know they will be invited to every pool party. “Hey Mrs. Magdoub, could you let your daughter do her little trick? My cousin wants to see it.” Talk about early retirement, you could sell tickets for that at a premium! Just set your price and people from all over the world would come to see it. I bet you wouldn’t have to pay for a meal anywhere in the world. I wonder what they will name her, think it will be Jesse or something like that?
But more importantly, this tells me that if I ever go to visit Jerusalem (since it is oh so safe for Americans to be over there) make damn sure that I don’t go to the hospital.
Ever see that scene from Monty Python’s Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the dead collector is going around calling out “Bring Out Your Dead!”? It makes me thing of something like that.
For anyone who hasn’t seen it, it goes a little something like this…
The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.
The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: What?
Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.
The Dead Collector: He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector: I can't take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector: I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector: Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy.
[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body: Right.
In all seriousness, I do hope that the child lives and has a normal healthy life.
Don’t get dead (sorry, that’s kind of my thing at this part of a blog)
JERUSALEM (Reuters) - A stillborn Israeli baby who was pronounced dead by doctors "came back to life" on Monday after spending hours in a hospital refrigerator.
The baby, weighing only 600 grams at birth, spent at least five hours inside one of the hospital's refrigerated storage units, before her parents, who had taken her to be buried, began noticing some movement.
"We unwrapped her and felt she was moving. We didn't believe it at first. Then she began holding my mother's hand, and then we saw her open her mouth," said 26-year-old Faiza Magdoub, the baby's mother.
The baby was pronounced dead several hours earlier, after doctors at Western Galilee hospital in northern Israel were forced to abort her mother's pregnancy because of internal bleeding. Magdoub was 23 weeks into her pregnancy.
"We don't know how to explain this, so when we don't know how to explain things in the medical world we call it a miracle, and this is probably what happened," hospital deputy director Moshe Daniel said.
The baby was then taken to the hospital's neonatal intensive care unit for further treatment, but doctors were not sure how long she will live.
Motti Ravid, a professor of internal medicine, told Israel's Channel 10 that the low temperature inside the cooler had slowed down the baby's metabolism and likely helped her survive.
So the obvious thing here is that this baby came back to life in Jerusalem, seems like I heard about that happening before in that same area.
When this little girl is old enough to walk you know damn well someone is going to fill a tub, bucket, mixing bowl or something with water to see if she can walk on it. And if she can, you know they will be invited to every pool party. “Hey Mrs. Magdoub, could you let your daughter do her little trick? My cousin wants to see it.” Talk about early retirement, you could sell tickets for that at a premium! Just set your price and people from all over the world would come to see it. I bet you wouldn’t have to pay for a meal anywhere in the world. I wonder what they will name her, think it will be Jesse or something like that?
But more importantly, this tells me that if I ever go to visit Jerusalem (since it is oh so safe for Americans to be over there) make damn sure that I don’t go to the hospital.
Ever see that scene from Monty Python’s Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the dead collector is going around calling out “Bring Out Your Dead!”? It makes me thing of something like that.
For anyone who hasn’t seen it, it goes a little something like this…
The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.
The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: What?
Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.
The Dead Collector: He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector: I can't take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector: I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector: Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy.
[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body: Right.
In all seriousness, I do hope that the child lives and has a normal healthy life.
Don’t get dead (sorry, that’s kind of my thing at this part of a blog)
Zobmondo Question for 8/21/08
Would you rather
Cheat on your spouse and have nobody know
-OR-
not cheat and have everyone think you did?
Don't get dead
Cheat on your spouse and have nobody know
-OR-
not cheat and have everyone think you did?
Don't get dead
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Dear Sweezey – My Mom
Dear Sweezey,
My mother always used to tell me, "Robert, you're just like your father." I guess so....she wouldn't french kiss him neither.
- Robert
Dear Robert,
Oooooookkk.
- Sweezey
P.S. Not really a lot I can do to help you there, but that is funny as hell though.
E-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com if you have something that you need me to help you with. *Psst, it's sort of a joke thing, the e-mail address is real and I will give you my advice/opnion but I am not certified by anyone or anything. I am just a prick with an opnion.
Don’t get dead
My mother always used to tell me, "Robert, you're just like your father." I guess so....she wouldn't french kiss him neither.
- Robert
Dear Robert,
Oooooookkk.
- Sweezey
P.S. Not really a lot I can do to help you there, but that is funny as hell though.
E-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com if you have something that you need me to help you with. *Psst, it's sort of a joke thing, the e-mail address is real and I will give you my advice/opnion but I am not certified by anyone or anything. I am just a prick with an opnion.
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo question for 8/20/08
Would you rather
Have a bad acid trip while on a family vacation with your in-laws
-OR-
Be the only cleaning person for a fetish porno movie company?
Don't get dead
Have a bad acid trip while on a family vacation with your in-laws
-OR-
Be the only cleaning person for a fetish porno movie company?
Don't get dead
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
The stupidest person on the face of the earth
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the stupidest person on planet earth. Please enjoy this video of an idiot kite-surfing in a tropical storm.
You know at some point he had a conversation like this.
Dude, we are so going to catch some gnarly air! Yeah, hell yeah, it will be most righteous! Then fast forward until he is out on the beach. Woah man, this is wicked cool. Check it out man I am SOOOO freaking high, tropical storms make the best wind… oh hell that building is coming up fas… BAMM!
I love the smell of stupid in the morning.
Don’t get dead
You know at some point he had a conversation like this.
Dude, we are so going to catch some gnarly air! Yeah, hell yeah, it will be most righteous! Then fast forward until he is out on the beach. Woah man, this is wicked cool. Check it out man I am SOOOO freaking high, tropical storms make the best wind… oh hell that building is coming up fas… BAMM!
I love the smell of stupid in the morning.
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo question for 8/19/08
Would you rather
Have explosive and unpredictable diarrhea for 24 hours while traveling in another country which you have never been in before
OR
Eat your favorite meal for every meal for a week covered in salt?
Don't get dead
Have explosive and unpredictable diarrhea for 24 hours while traveling in another country which you have never been in before
OR
Eat your favorite meal for every meal for a week covered in salt?
Don't get dead
Monday, August 18, 2008
Zobmondo Question for 8/18/08
Would you rather
Have your tongue covered in hair
OR
Have facial acne that never clears up?
Don't get dead
Have your tongue covered in hair
OR
Have facial acne that never clears up?
Don't get dead
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Dear Sweezey – Venting
Dear Sweezey,
I've been so busy lately I haven't had any time to just sit down and relax... I'm burnt out. I'm so tired when I get home and yet I can't sleep because my mind keeps going. I exercise and that used to help but it doesn't help much anymore. While I'm running I'm running through all the stuff that I still need to do and all that I've done to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. Then finally when I finish I get a few seconds of peace and solace. Why can't life be more like that for awhile? I just don’t know what to do to take my mind off of stuff. Do you think I should take a vacation or something? I might have sometime in mid-October.
Burt Out
Dear BO,
The answer to your problems is an easy one. DRUGS! You need lots and lots of drugs. Not the kinds from the Doctors, but heavy duty, trip your ass off, street drugs. Take the bus to the ghetto and go score yourself some pills, powders and herbs and have yourself a little party. You won’t give a shit about anything you have to do after that. Ask all of those dudes on COPS.
Then once you are hooked you will keep going back and poof, no more worries about being responsible.
And if that doesn’t kill you when you get busted and end up in jail, worrying about when D-Bo wants his salad tossed will surely keep your mind off of all of the stuff that you need to do when you get back to work. I hope you don’t run out of jelly!
Dude, it’s just part of life called being an adult. Get used to it, it’s not going anywhere.
Sweezey
Don’t get dead
I've been so busy lately I haven't had any time to just sit down and relax... I'm burnt out. I'm so tired when I get home and yet I can't sleep because my mind keeps going. I exercise and that used to help but it doesn't help much anymore. While I'm running I'm running through all the stuff that I still need to do and all that I've done to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. Then finally when I finish I get a few seconds of peace and solace. Why can't life be more like that for awhile? I just don’t know what to do to take my mind off of stuff. Do you think I should take a vacation or something? I might have sometime in mid-October.
Burt Out
Dear BO,
The answer to your problems is an easy one. DRUGS! You need lots and lots of drugs. Not the kinds from the Doctors, but heavy duty, trip your ass off, street drugs. Take the bus to the ghetto and go score yourself some pills, powders and herbs and have yourself a little party. You won’t give a shit about anything you have to do after that. Ask all of those dudes on COPS.
Then once you are hooked you will keep going back and poof, no more worries about being responsible.
And if that doesn’t kill you when you get busted and end up in jail, worrying about when D-Bo wants his salad tossed will surely keep your mind off of all of the stuff that you need to do when you get back to work. I hope you don’t run out of jelly!
Dude, it’s just part of life called being an adult. Get used to it, it’s not going anywhere.
Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Men and Women
For eons everyone has known that men and women are different. From the very obvious physical appearance to emotional needs and everything in between. Almost every comic has used this in their routine, television shows have been made from this, people have even become best selling authors from it. And still scientist study the differences in men and women on a daily basis. So I by no means know everything about the differences between men and women.
But I am always interested. I am always learning something about the way men and women are different. Either from my lovely wife, or her sisters, their mom, other female family members, female friends and so on. And I am just fascinated by it. How the female in almost every spices of life has this thing that they are born with that is engrained in the DNA which help comfort their young and take care of them. That mothering six sense if you will. How just being around their young brings a calming effect. But not just that, how men and women produce pheromones which attract the opposite sex. And how from an early age girls want to be a home maker and are much better then boys at organization and caring and compassion.
I mean as a guy I know that I don’t always recognize the needs of others. So this study in the difference in men and women is something that I am amazed by. Such as when my children where very young my wife could tell if their cry was a hungry cry, a mad cry, a hurt cry and so on. And it’s just incredible.
So to me these extra senses that women have are very interesting.
Like last night I learned that my wife can tell how hot something that I am taking out of the microwave is by the amount of vulgarities that come out of my mouth when I am holding it.
Simply amazing.
Don’t get dead
But I am always interested. I am always learning something about the way men and women are different. Either from my lovely wife, or her sisters, their mom, other female family members, female friends and so on. And I am just fascinated by it. How the female in almost every spices of life has this thing that they are born with that is engrained in the DNA which help comfort their young and take care of them. That mothering six sense if you will. How just being around their young brings a calming effect. But not just that, how men and women produce pheromones which attract the opposite sex. And how from an early age girls want to be a home maker and are much better then boys at organization and caring and compassion.
I mean as a guy I know that I don’t always recognize the needs of others. So this study in the difference in men and women is something that I am amazed by. Such as when my children where very young my wife could tell if their cry was a hungry cry, a mad cry, a hurt cry and so on. And it’s just incredible.
So to me these extra senses that women have are very interesting.
Like last night I learned that my wife can tell how hot something that I am taking out of the microwave is by the amount of vulgarities that come out of my mouth when I am holding it.
Simply amazing.
Don’t get dead
Zobmono question for 8/14/08
Would you rather
Be six foot tall and ugly
OR
Three foot tall and beautiful
I got a feeling that these questions are going to take a wicked turn in the future.
Don't get dead
Be six foot tall and ugly
OR
Three foot tall and beautiful
I got a feeling that these questions are going to take a wicked turn in the future.
Don't get dead
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Every time that the phone rings I panic just a little bit
One day I get a call from my wife who, at the time, was working from home. Since I was in the office she asked if I had a moment and that she needed to tell me something. Of course this makes me a little nervous but I told her that I had some time and asked what was up. She goes on to tell me that while she was on a conference call with three vice-presidents of her company she noticed that the children where quiet. Any one who reads this and has children knows that sometimes when your children are quiet it can be a bad thing. Since she was on this call she couldn’t really just yell for the kids but she knew that she had to investigate. So she mutes her phone and goes into the kid’s bath room.
If you are drinking anything right now go ahead and swallow it.
She opens the door to the bathroom and finds my two year-old son standing there, naked and blue. Yeah, blue, like the primary color. From head to toe he was blue.
Want to know why? Well it wasn’t that he was choking or anything like that. Nope, he took the cup that they use to rise after brushing their teeth and decided to baptize himself in the toilet. Our father, who are the Tidy Bowl Man, bless this child and keep us from checking our self into the looney bin.
So not only was he blue, the floor was covered in about an eighth inch of blue water. Fortunately there was nothing else in the toilet. My wife called poison control in case he ingested some of it. Just in case you are wondering, blue tidy bowl is actually safe to eat. Might make you feel like something you would flush but a bowl full won’t kill you.
And we all thought that the popularity of the Smurfs died in the 80’s.
Don’t get dead
If you are drinking anything right now go ahead and swallow it.
She opens the door to the bathroom and finds my two year-old son standing there, naked and blue. Yeah, blue, like the primary color. From head to toe he was blue.
Want to know why? Well it wasn’t that he was choking or anything like that. Nope, he took the cup that they use to rise after brushing their teeth and decided to baptize himself in the toilet. Our father, who are the Tidy Bowl Man, bless this child and keep us from checking our self into the looney bin.
So not only was he blue, the floor was covered in about an eighth inch of blue water. Fortunately there was nothing else in the toilet. My wife called poison control in case he ingested some of it. Just in case you are wondering, blue tidy bowl is actually safe to eat. Might make you feel like something you would flush but a bowl full won’t kill you.
And we all thought that the popularity of the Smurfs died in the 80’s.
Don’t get dead
How rad is my wife?
Yeah, I said rad and I am bring that word back. The other day I came home and she had dinner cooking, the house sparking clean, both of our children working on an activity and had edited tons of pictures. I am so lucky. And she puts up with me, which is nice.
We have a good time together and she is a lot funnier than she realizes. One night a while back, both of our lovely children where giving us fits. Nothing major just didn’t want to go to bed/sleep and we were doing everything in our power to be good parents. So we walk out of their bedrooms and are about to go downstairs when I stopped at the top of the stairs and was just looking down. My wife asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was thinking about throwing myself down the stairs hard enough to get an extended stay in a hospital room. A nice quiet hospital room.
My wife told me that she would go to the hospital and stand on my air hose if I did that.
She completes me!
Don’t get dead
We have a good time together and she is a lot funnier than she realizes. One night a while back, both of our lovely children where giving us fits. Nothing major just didn’t want to go to bed/sleep and we were doing everything in our power to be good parents. So we walk out of their bedrooms and are about to go downstairs when I stopped at the top of the stairs and was just looking down. My wife asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was thinking about throwing myself down the stairs hard enough to get an extended stay in a hospital room. A nice quiet hospital room.
My wife told me that she would go to the hospital and stand on my air hose if I did that.
She completes me!
Don’t get dead
Zobmondo question for 8/13/08
Would you rather
Have your only car be the weinermobile
OR
A monster truck with tires as tall as you are?
Don't get dead
Have your only car be the weinermobile
OR
A monster truck with tires as tall as you are?
Don't get dead
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Zobmondo question for 8/12/08
I almost forgot to post a question for today. I totally forgot to post one yesterday. So here goes.
Would you rather …
Be world famous for committing a crime
OR
Do something great, such as saving a life, and no one ever finds out?
Don’t get dead
Would you rather …
Be world famous for committing a crime
OR
Do something great, such as saving a life, and no one ever finds out?
Don’t get dead
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Tattoos
Recently I was talking with a friend who has several tattoos. He had several Chinese symbols that he was showing me. Which of course sparked the typical question “what does that mean?” for each of the symbols. And he had an answer for all of them, this one is the symbol for strength, this one is the symbol for harmony, this one is the symbol for happiness, this one is the symbol for passion and so on.
Now I don’t know if I am just a gigantic smart ass or if this is something that other people have thought/asked but I had to know. So I ask him “how do you know?” I mean unless you know Chinese, how do you really know what has been put under your skin?
Now with the internet you can use a search engine to find what a symbol looks like but do you carry your laptop to the tattoo shop? Do they have an internet hookup in the shops? If not, how do you know? I mean you are taking it on blind faith that the guy with the ink and needle is honest and really knows what he is talking about. And before the internet was invented how did anyone know?
It’s a good thing that I am not a tattoo artist because I would be screwing with people big time. Someone would come into my shop and want the Chinese symbol for leadership or something like that and I would tattoo them with the Chinese symbol for virgin or something like that. Just simply because I am a jackass. So I wonder, has anyone ever gotten a different symbol than what they wanted? That would be pretty damn funny to me.
But that leads me to something else that I wonder about. It seems that in America the Chinese symbols are very popular. Unless I am mistaken, these symbols are words in the Chinese culture. So, are American words popular as tattoos in China? Is there so guy running around China with the word “power” or “strength” or “happiness” or something like that tattooed on them? Which also makes me wonder, are there jackass tattoo artist in China would tattoo “booger” or something like that on a guy who wanted to get “power” tattooed on them? That would be classic.
Don’t get dead
Now I don’t know if I am just a gigantic smart ass or if this is something that other people have thought/asked but I had to know. So I ask him “how do you know?” I mean unless you know Chinese, how do you really know what has been put under your skin?
Now with the internet you can use a search engine to find what a symbol looks like but do you carry your laptop to the tattoo shop? Do they have an internet hookup in the shops? If not, how do you know? I mean you are taking it on blind faith that the guy with the ink and needle is honest and really knows what he is talking about. And before the internet was invented how did anyone know?
It’s a good thing that I am not a tattoo artist because I would be screwing with people big time. Someone would come into my shop and want the Chinese symbol for leadership or something like that and I would tattoo them with the Chinese symbol for virgin or something like that. Just simply because I am a jackass. So I wonder, has anyone ever gotten a different symbol than what they wanted? That would be pretty damn funny to me.
But that leads me to something else that I wonder about. It seems that in America the Chinese symbols are very popular. Unless I am mistaken, these symbols are words in the Chinese culture. So, are American words popular as tattoos in China? Is there so guy running around China with the word “power” or “strength” or “happiness” or something like that tattooed on them? Which also makes me wonder, are there jackass tattoo artist in China would tattoo “booger” or something like that on a guy who wanted to get “power” tattooed on them? That would be classic.
Don’t get dead
The Game Plan
I have just watched the movie “The Game Plan” with the Rock for about the 30th time and I got to say, that chick who is the dance instructor is freak hot!
That’s all
Don’t get dead
That’s all
Don’t get dead
Friday, August 08, 2008
Zobmondo - It’s audience participation time!
Ever play Zobmondo? It’s the “would you rather” game where you are asked if you absolutely had too, would you rather do this or that. This game is a trip. So every day I am going to try to think of a zobmondo question and post on my blog. I do hope everyone who reads it will post an answer.
So the question for today is, if you HAD to would you rather
Immerse your naked body in a bathtub of cockroaches
-OR-
dive naked head first into a pool of chewing tobacco spit?
So come on and play.
Let me know which you would pick, I look forward to your responses.
Don't get dead
So the question for today is, if you HAD to would you rather
Immerse your naked body in a bathtub of cockroaches
-OR-
dive naked head first into a pool of chewing tobacco spit?
So come on and play.
Let me know which you would pick, I look forward to your responses.
Don't get dead
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Olympics
Is anyone getting excited about the summer Olympics? I have a slight interest only because of the “controversy”. Other than that I could care less. But I don’t know why. The Olympics used to be a big deal. Now it’s almost like any other TV show. It used to be that people knew who were going to be our biggest competitors and the U.S. was expected to medal if not win pretty much every event that we entered. Now, I don’t know how many events we are going to enter, who any of the big name athletes are or if we are even expected to medal in anything. This could completely be me, maybe I have gotten out of the loop and everyone else still has Olympic fever if you will.
I am interested to watch the opening ceremonies just to see if anything happens. Waiting for the train wreck to happen if you will. That is if I am home and happen to think about it.
And just like the winter games with Curling, the summer games have their stupid event, walking. Yeah, walking is an Olympic event. Who know that I was an Olympiad in training! I have been walking for years. But how do to tell a fast walk from a jog? I could be completely off base, just funny to me.
I do hope that the U.S. team does well.
Don’t get dead
I am interested to watch the opening ceremonies just to see if anything happens. Waiting for the train wreck to happen if you will. That is if I am home and happen to think about it.
And just like the winter games with Curling, the summer games have their stupid event, walking. Yeah, walking is an Olympic event. Who know that I was an Olympiad in training! I have been walking for years. But how do to tell a fast walk from a jog? I could be completely off base, just funny to me.
I do hope that the U.S. team does well.
Don’t get dead
You got to watch this show
As I have stated several times, I am not a big fan or reality TV and I don’t watch a whole lot of TV in general. But for the last couple of weeks or so I have started to love this show that Tracy Morgan host called Scare Tactics. It’s a practical joke show where they put people in these crazy situations and scare the hell out of them. They put the victims in every situation from secret government experiments gone horribly wrong to murders and pretty much every other horror movie situation that you can think of. I love this show. What I would like to see is the stuff that they can’t air. Like was there a time that someone just freaked out. I wonder if anyone ever pulled out their cell phone and called 9-1-1? I wonder if anyone ever passed out or wet themselves or something like that. I have seen some where they had to bleep some of the language but I wonder if they had someone that just wouldn’t quit cussing or something like that. I wonder if anyone actually ever crapped their pants. Or if someone ever got really upset and didn’t see the humor in it. That would be a fun show to work on. If you get a chance be sure to watch it.
Don’t get dead
Don’t get dead
Dear Sweezey - Fed Up
Dear Sweezey,
A little while ago I was complaining because I hated my job... Now I have a new one that I hate even more. How funny is life? Can one survive quitting a job without having one lined up? My husband and family are not very supportive of this. But I am tired of my hair falling out every day. I apply to no less than 10 jobs per day. I am trying to find a new one, I even applied at Border's at a significant pay decrease. When should a person say screw you, I don't have another job lined up, but I don't want to work here anymore either?
- Fed Up
Dear FU,
So let me get this straight, you had a job, hated it, quit, got another job, hate it even more and are looking to quit and your family is not supportive of your idea. Seems to me that the common thread is all of this is YOU. So it’s probably not the jobs, but it is you.
You sound like a lazy, whiney, egotistical looser. Why don’t you shut your cake hole and work hard for a change? I would be willing to bet that if you didn’t waste your time focusing on the bad parts of the job and tried to do a good job that you would be much happier. Or maybe you should go to school and get a skill and be damn good at what you do for a change.
NO ONE likes getting up every day and going to work but we do because we have responsibilities. There is not a person I know who wouldn’t rather wake up on their own and decide if they want to layout by the pool or go shopping or go fishing or whatever other than go to work. But we all know that is what we have to do.
Bitch, if you quit your job and end up on welfare or government assistance or whatever because you are lazy, I will hunt you down, drag your ass to Washington and let all of the tax payers line up to beat your ass.
- Sweezey
DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
A little while ago I was complaining because I hated my job... Now I have a new one that I hate even more. How funny is life? Can one survive quitting a job without having one lined up? My husband and family are not very supportive of this. But I am tired of my hair falling out every day. I apply to no less than 10 jobs per day. I am trying to find a new one, I even applied at Border's at a significant pay decrease. When should a person say screw you, I don't have another job lined up, but I don't want to work here anymore either?
- Fed Up
Dear FU,
So let me get this straight, you had a job, hated it, quit, got another job, hate it even more and are looking to quit and your family is not supportive of your idea. Seems to me that the common thread is all of this is YOU. So it’s probably not the jobs, but it is you.
You sound like a lazy, whiney, egotistical looser. Why don’t you shut your cake hole and work hard for a change? I would be willing to bet that if you didn’t waste your time focusing on the bad parts of the job and tried to do a good job that you would be much happier. Or maybe you should go to school and get a skill and be damn good at what you do for a change.
NO ONE likes getting up every day and going to work but we do because we have responsibilities. There is not a person I know who wouldn’t rather wake up on their own and decide if they want to layout by the pool or go shopping or go fishing or whatever other than go to work. But we all know that is what we have to do.
Bitch, if you quit your job and end up on welfare or government assistance or whatever because you are lazy, I will hunt you down, drag your ass to Washington and let all of the tax payers line up to beat your ass.
- Sweezey
DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Dear Sweezey - how do i deal
Dear Sweezey,
okay.... so my husband has been around the block ... and them some... those the size of like extra long blocks... i knew this when i married him... i accepted it. the deal i can't deal is that majority are still in contact because alot of them were friends before so they remain friends even after the f@ck. i have met a couple because they have mutual friends.... they were nice no crazy shit... but i can't stand the fact that i am in a social setting with some women that have had my husband. i did the psycho fit sh!t and he no longers keeps in touch with them. It was a weekly chat on the phone or they would call each other just to say hi... now.... i know you think it's my insecurity (maybe it is IDK) but i don't want my husband to have contact with anyone he slept with. Not dated... slept with. i wouldn't do that to him--and i dont even tho i could still keep in touch with old partners who i am friends with but i don't because i don't want my husband to think anything otherwise. now his friends tease him that he's on leash... and i hate it ... it's not like that... i just sometimes feel that i did go to far but that i have justification....
- Psycho Wife
Dear Psycho Wife,
I hate to break it to you but he is banging each and every one of them. Oh yeah, most definitely tapping it. Sounds like he is quite the stud. I would even go as far as to bet that he was hoping to have you join them all at some point but you broke crazy on him. You should not even worry about it, nothing you can do at this point.
What you should do is apologize to him for telling him that you don’t want him to talk to them any more and then let him know that it is ok if he starts talking to them again. Then you should cut off all ties with the outside world. Make sure you have a damn good meal ready for him each and every day when he comes home from work and you better be wearing something sexy, if you are in the mood or not. And then when he is done with his meal, let him do any and everything that he wants. You should also ask him what you can do that would make him happy. Trust me, it’s what is best for everyone.
- Sweezey
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
okay.... so my husband has been around the block ... and them some... those the size of like extra long blocks... i knew this when i married him... i accepted it. the deal i can't deal is that majority are still in contact because alot of them were friends before so they remain friends even after the f@ck. i have met a couple because they have mutual friends.... they were nice no crazy shit... but i can't stand the fact that i am in a social setting with some women that have had my husband. i did the psycho fit sh!t and he no longers keeps in touch with them. It was a weekly chat on the phone or they would call each other just to say hi... now.... i know you think it's my insecurity (maybe it is IDK) but i don't want my husband to have contact with anyone he slept with. Not dated... slept with. i wouldn't do that to him--and i dont even tho i could still keep in touch with old partners who i am friends with but i don't because i don't want my husband to think anything otherwise. now his friends tease him that he's on leash... and i hate it ... it's not like that... i just sometimes feel that i did go to far but that i have justification....
- Psycho Wife
Dear Psycho Wife,
I hate to break it to you but he is banging each and every one of them. Oh yeah, most definitely tapping it. Sounds like he is quite the stud. I would even go as far as to bet that he was hoping to have you join them all at some point but you broke crazy on him. You should not even worry about it, nothing you can do at this point.
What you should do is apologize to him for telling him that you don’t want him to talk to them any more and then let him know that it is ok if he starts talking to them again. Then you should cut off all ties with the outside world. Make sure you have a damn good meal ready for him each and every day when he comes home from work and you better be wearing something sexy, if you are in the mood or not. And then when he is done with his meal, let him do any and everything that he wants. You should also ask him what you can do that would make him happy. Trust me, it’s what is best for everyone.
- Sweezey
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Dear Sweezey – Child Support
Dear Sweezey,
ok so my husband and I have been married for almost 3 years...soon after our son was born we separated and recently got back together. no divorce.
anyways while apart my son was on medicaid (2 years), i got no child support...i never wanted it....Today a sheriff came to our house and said my husband is due in court.
they want him to pay for past medical support and possible child support, but I do not want child support! *we are back together)
so have you ever heard of this???
how do they decide what he has to pay????
can they make him pay past child support even if i say no???
- worried mom
Dear Worried Mom,
Maybe I am missing something but if you are back together and they do make him pay, wouldn’t the money just come back to you?
Sweezey
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
ok so my husband and I have been married for almost 3 years...soon after our son was born we separated and recently got back together. no divorce.
anyways while apart my son was on medicaid (2 years), i got no child support...i never wanted it....Today a sheriff came to our house and said my husband is due in court.
they want him to pay for past medical support and possible child support, but I do not want child support! *we are back together)
so have you ever heard of this???
how do they decide what he has to pay????
can they make him pay past child support even if i say no???
- worried mom
Dear Worried Mom,
Maybe I am missing something but if you are back together and they do make him pay, wouldn’t the money just come back to you?
Sweezey
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Monday, August 04, 2008
Dear Sweezey - I need some relationship advice!
Dear Sweezey,
I was dating a girl for a month and we found out she was pregnant. Her background is she works as a bartender, parties allot has a ton of guy friends, my background corporate guy and make over 150K a year. I immeadiately stepped up, moved her in, got her on my insurance, bought her new clothes, took her to drs visit, paid off some of her debt, got her car fixed, kept her cell phone on, took her on a vacation. Now I realize I am not perfect, I have been getting on her a little to be happy about all of this, and take the opportunity to work on getting a better job etc. Last week she told me she is moving in with one of her friends because its too stressful living with me, and she wants me to date her now until the baby comes? Pick her up, take her to dinner, drop her off etc. This seems such a backwards move, but I told her if that is what she needs then I will support even if I dont agree. But now I am wondering, is she just trying to have her cake and eat it to? I mean is she just trying to be independent single on her own, and have me around at the same time? Any thoughts would be helpful.
Thanks for reading
Sincerely
Confused!
Me 35
Her 30
Dear Confused!,
You are an idiot. And she is playing you for a fool, which you are. What you mean to say is that you were dating a girl for a month and YOU found that that she was pregnant. Trust me, she knew already. And just how do you expect me to believe that you rake in over $150K when you can’t spell immediately correctly? Just as an FYI, the abbreviation of doctors starts with a capital letter and the word “don’t” has an apostrophe (‘) <-- one of those.
So back to you being a moron. Just say that you do make over $150K and this girl is a bartender who probably doesn’t make a ton of cash. Do you think that wherever she works has a medical plan? And I would be willing to bet that most of her income is cash, probably not a lot of savings going on. Look, I am not saying that bartenders are bad people, not even close to saying that. But I do know that it is a tough job to make a lot of money at.
In essences you were here scratch off lottery ticket and you paid off big time.
You said that you got her car fixed, dumbass.
You said that you paid off some of her debt, mega-dumbass.
Then you paid to have her cell phone working, look boys and girls it’s SUPERDUMBASS!
Dude, who do you think she is calling with that phone? The babies daddy and by that I mean the real daddy not you, you tool.
Then on top of all that, you took her on a vacation? I wish I could reach you right now so that I can strangle your p-whipped ass.
God I wish that I had a vag so that I could get you to drop some cash on me you pitiful man.
What you did was to make her babydaddy’s life a hell of a lot easier.
Do you honestly think that she wants a better job? Why would she? She can still live the party life and as long as she keeps stringing you along, she has tons of stuff taken care of for her. You’re a sugar-daddy without being smart enough to realize it.
I would have come through the wall like the Kool-Aid man if this girl told me that she was about to move in with one of her friends after I did everything you said that you did for her.
If you keep “dating” her until the baby comes I am going to find you and bitch-slap you until your head spins around like Linda Blair. Dude, take the day off tomorrow and watch Jerry Spring or Maury Povich.
YOU ARE BEING USED FOR MONEY YOU DUMBASS!!!
Peace and love,
Sweezey
Don’t get dead
I was dating a girl for a month and we found out she was pregnant. Her background is she works as a bartender, parties allot has a ton of guy friends, my background corporate guy and make over 150K a year. I immeadiately stepped up, moved her in, got her on my insurance, bought her new clothes, took her to drs visit, paid off some of her debt, got her car fixed, kept her cell phone on, took her on a vacation. Now I realize I am not perfect, I have been getting on her a little to be happy about all of this, and take the opportunity to work on getting a better job etc. Last week she told me she is moving in with one of her friends because its too stressful living with me, and she wants me to date her now until the baby comes? Pick her up, take her to dinner, drop her off etc. This seems such a backwards move, but I told her if that is what she needs then I will support even if I dont agree. But now I am wondering, is she just trying to have her cake and eat it to? I mean is she just trying to be independent single on her own, and have me around at the same time? Any thoughts would be helpful.
Thanks for reading
Sincerely
Confused!
Me 35
Her 30
Dear Confused!,
You are an idiot. And she is playing you for a fool, which you are. What you mean to say is that you were dating a girl for a month and YOU found that that she was pregnant. Trust me, she knew already. And just how do you expect me to believe that you rake in over $150K when you can’t spell immediately correctly? Just as an FYI, the abbreviation of doctors starts with a capital letter and the word “don’t” has an apostrophe (‘) <-- one of those.
So back to you being a moron. Just say that you do make over $150K and this girl is a bartender who probably doesn’t make a ton of cash. Do you think that wherever she works has a medical plan? And I would be willing to bet that most of her income is cash, probably not a lot of savings going on. Look, I am not saying that bartenders are bad people, not even close to saying that. But I do know that it is a tough job to make a lot of money at.
In essences you were here scratch off lottery ticket and you paid off big time.
You said that you got her car fixed, dumbass.
You said that you paid off some of her debt, mega-dumbass.
Then you paid to have her cell phone working, look boys and girls it’s SUPERDUMBASS!
Dude, who do you think she is calling with that phone? The babies daddy and by that I mean the real daddy not you, you tool.
Then on top of all that, you took her on a vacation? I wish I could reach you right now so that I can strangle your p-whipped ass.
God I wish that I had a vag so that I could get you to drop some cash on me you pitiful man.
What you did was to make her babydaddy’s life a hell of a lot easier.
Do you honestly think that she wants a better job? Why would she? She can still live the party life and as long as she keeps stringing you along, she has tons of stuff taken care of for her. You’re a sugar-daddy without being smart enough to realize it.
I would have come through the wall like the Kool-Aid man if this girl told me that she was about to move in with one of her friends after I did everything you said that you did for her.
If you keep “dating” her until the baby comes I am going to find you and bitch-slap you until your head spins around like Linda Blair. Dude, take the day off tomorrow and watch Jerry Spring or Maury Povich.
YOU ARE BEING USED FOR MONEY YOU DUMBASS!!!
Peace and love,
Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Friday, August 01, 2008
Dear Sweezey - I need an ear ..
Dear Sweezey,
Wondering how I have found myself here. Married woman with kids, great job, (sole provider of the house) finding myself very alone. Great professional job, good kids, and ALONE. Looking for a life. Not a negative person, really! lol. I just know there has to be more out there. Looking for someone to talk to that has been through the same thing. No real friends in the area I feel comfortable talking to.
- Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Seriously, you came to ME with this?
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Wondering how I have found myself here. Married woman with kids, great job, (sole provider of the house) finding myself very alone. Great professional job, good kids, and ALONE. Looking for a life. Not a negative person, really! lol. I just know there has to be more out there. Looking for someone to talk to that has been through the same thing. No real friends in the area I feel comfortable talking to.
- Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Seriously, you came to ME with this?
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
dearsweezey@gmail.com
Dear Sweezey - I may have saved a life tonight
Dear Sweezey,
As I was leaving a bar, a girl quickly stumbled backwards in front of me and fortunately my reflexes were not impaired and I caught her. She thanked me and I told her she was welcome and I kept walking. Later, it occurred to me that had I not been where I was, AND when I was, there was no one else in proximity to help her and she would certainly have fallen and hit her head on the floor so hard that it could have injured or even killed her. I'm not looking for credit for myself here, and I may be making too much of it, but her life would have definitely changed course otherwise. I am just wondering if it was just meant to be that I was there, when I was, and if so, I may never know why.
- Coincidence or divine intervention?
Dear Codi,
Please tell me that you don’t really think that you may have saved this girl from some injury or possibly death. Do you have any idea how many drunk people stumble and fall every night in bars all over world? Oh my god! I hope you have a cape! Quick, there is a drunk in a bar, call Soberman, he will catch you! Faster than a falling barstool, stronger than the urge to hurl, able to leap beer bottles in a single bound it SOBERMAN! Hero to all mankind who might have thrown back a couple of beers.
So how are you certain that she would have fallen and hit her head? Almost every drunk I have seen fall in bars, and it’s been quite a few, have either fallen face first with their hands out or on their ass. Did you whip out your protractor and calculator and do the math in mid-fall? Her rate of speed divided by the angle of her stumble multiplied by the cosine of the price of a beer… shut up you idiot.
But what if she was just jacking with you? Yeah, crazy concept but people in bars who have been drinking tend to like to play jokes on people for amusement. I know it’s kind of a stretch but I have read about it… online! So it must be true.
And you say that had you not been there that her life would have definitely changed course, well what if she is destine to be a serial killer. Nice job smuck. Now she can go on that killing spree. I hope you are happy with yourself. Had someone not caught Charles Manson, The Beltway Snipers, Jack the Ripper, The Hillside Strangler, Ted Bundy and O.J. Simpson when they were stumbling in a bar dozens of good, innocent people would still be alive today. I hope that you are happy with yourself and I hope that you have no problems sleeping at night while you think about what you have done.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
As I was leaving a bar, a girl quickly stumbled backwards in front of me and fortunately my reflexes were not impaired and I caught her. She thanked me and I told her she was welcome and I kept walking. Later, it occurred to me that had I not been where I was, AND when I was, there was no one else in proximity to help her and she would certainly have fallen and hit her head on the floor so hard that it could have injured or even killed her. I'm not looking for credit for myself here, and I may be making too much of it, but her life would have definitely changed course otherwise. I am just wondering if it was just meant to be that I was there, when I was, and if so, I may never know why.
- Coincidence or divine intervention?
Dear Codi,
Please tell me that you don’t really think that you may have saved this girl from some injury or possibly death. Do you have any idea how many drunk people stumble and fall every night in bars all over world? Oh my god! I hope you have a cape! Quick, there is a drunk in a bar, call Soberman, he will catch you! Faster than a falling barstool, stronger than the urge to hurl, able to leap beer bottles in a single bound it SOBERMAN! Hero to all mankind who might have thrown back a couple of beers.
So how are you certain that she would have fallen and hit her head? Almost every drunk I have seen fall in bars, and it’s been quite a few, have either fallen face first with their hands out or on their ass. Did you whip out your protractor and calculator and do the math in mid-fall? Her rate of speed divided by the angle of her stumble multiplied by the cosine of the price of a beer… shut up you idiot.
But what if she was just jacking with you? Yeah, crazy concept but people in bars who have been drinking tend to like to play jokes on people for amusement. I know it’s kind of a stretch but I have read about it… online! So it must be true.
And you say that had you not been there that her life would have definitely changed course, well what if she is destine to be a serial killer. Nice job smuck. Now she can go on that killing spree. I hope you are happy with yourself. Had someone not caught Charles Manson, The Beltway Snipers, Jack the Ripper, The Hillside Strangler, Ted Bundy and O.J. Simpson when they were stumbling in a bar dozens of good, innocent people would still be alive today. I hope that you are happy with yourself and I hope that you have no problems sleeping at night while you think about what you have done.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
my stressful job and my mee maw and my old dog and paycheck day
Dear Sweezey,
I didnt know being a security officer professional had so many responsibility's. Not only do I have to keep up w/ my sit of keys at night, but a flashlight and company issued duty belt that half way fits me. I also am confused about my brake times, noone has tooken responsibilty to tell me when to take my brake!!!!!!!I have a duty belt that has the sticky stuff on it and you wrap it around you and it sticks..... I am right handed and my night stick is on my left side and i have to situate it every freaking time i come on my shift! The company issues me keys and i have to keep up with them but they fall out easily because the pants are fucking cheap and slick!!!!! I bring my dog on shift and i have been writted up on it because why shouldn't I be able to bring my got damn fucking dog on duty if the police can?I GOTS ME A GERMAN SHEPPARD AND I USE IT TO HELP ME ON DUTY!!!!!!!!
I have several issues with the department and i will be going to talk with my leutenant or corporal wiggins if the chief isnt available....DRAMA...DRAMA...DRAMA..still at my ole age of 46!IT just aint fair got damn it, and my mee maw is mad and upset because THIS COMPANY DOES NOT DO ME THE FUCK RIGHT AND I WILL BE TELLING THEM ABOUT MY PANTS!EVERY FUCKING TIME I PUT SSOMETHING IN THEM THEY WANT TO FALL THE HELL OUT - That is putting me in danger! What if i lost my keys at night or my cell phone and i gots me an emergency????????
ANY SUGGESTIONS... HELP PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UN BELIEVEABLE
- Security Patrol
Dear Security Patrol,
What is unbelievable, or as you put it “UN BELIEVEABLE”, is how you are 46 years old and this damn stupid. Who in the hell hired you to do security? I wouldn’t let you guard my doghouse. Seriously, how did you get this job or any job for that matter? I think what amazes me the most is that you sent this via a computer. I am astonished.
So you didn’t know that being a security guard had so many “responsibility's”. I didn’t know that responsibility could possess something. And you have to keep up with a “sit” of keys? You mean a set? I know, those vowels can be tricky. Sounds like your belt is too big, yes? Well poke a hole in it to make it fit. Problem solved.
Just what is it that you have to stop or slow down? And you can only do it at certain times? Oh you mean break times, like taking a break, not like brakes on a car. Oh, well the reason that you are confused is because you are a complete tool. Yeah, if you had walking around sense you would probably be able to figure complex things like break times out. And just what is a “noone” and how would it “tooken responsibilty”?
So this duty belt that you have has something sticky on it? Well wipe it off goober. You really are retarded aren’t you?
Nightstick is on the left side and you are right handed, whew tough one. Maybe you can take the night stick out with your left hand? Or maybe you can flip the belt over and it will be on the right side! Novel idea huh! Wait a minute, who in their right mind gave you a nightstick?!
Keep loosing your keys huh, why don’t you put them in your pocket! Or maybe hold on to them or something wild like that? Maybe get one of those cool belt clip things that retract like a measuring tape? Dude, where you dropped on your head or something?
So you got writted up huh. Can’t help you there.
Why shouldn't you be able to bring your “got damn fucking dog on duty if the police can?” Well maybe because your not a police officer and because the police know the difference between God and got. “GOTS” you a German Sheppard huh, what you “GOTS” is a low IQ. Tell you what, take that nightstick and hold it tight with both hands with your arms out in front of you. Now swing it right between your eyes as hard as you can. If it hurts you are not doing it hard enough, keep tying.
This has got to be a joke right. You’re drunk or something right? There is no helping you.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
I didnt know being a security officer professional had so many responsibility's. Not only do I have to keep up w/ my sit of keys at night, but a flashlight and company issued duty belt that half way fits me. I also am confused about my brake times, noone has tooken responsibilty to tell me when to take my brake!!!!!!!I have a duty belt that has the sticky stuff on it and you wrap it around you and it sticks..... I am right handed and my night stick is on my left side and i have to situate it every freaking time i come on my shift! The company issues me keys and i have to keep up with them but they fall out easily because the pants are fucking cheap and slick!!!!! I bring my dog on shift and i have been writted up on it because why shouldn't I be able to bring my got damn fucking dog on duty if the police can?I GOTS ME A GERMAN SHEPPARD AND I USE IT TO HELP ME ON DUTY!!!!!!!!
I have several issues with the department and i will be going to talk with my leutenant or corporal wiggins if the chief isnt available....DRAMA...DRAMA...DRAMA..still at my ole age of 46!IT just aint fair got damn it, and my mee maw is mad and upset because THIS COMPANY DOES NOT DO ME THE FUCK RIGHT AND I WILL BE TELLING THEM ABOUT MY PANTS!EVERY FUCKING TIME I PUT SSOMETHING IN THEM THEY WANT TO FALL THE HELL OUT - That is putting me in danger! What if i lost my keys at night or my cell phone and i gots me an emergency????????
ANY SUGGESTIONS... HELP PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UN BELIEVEABLE
- Security Patrol
Dear Security Patrol,
What is unbelievable, or as you put it “UN BELIEVEABLE”, is how you are 46 years old and this damn stupid. Who in the hell hired you to do security? I wouldn’t let you guard my doghouse. Seriously, how did you get this job or any job for that matter? I think what amazes me the most is that you sent this via a computer. I am astonished.
So you didn’t know that being a security guard had so many “responsibility's”. I didn’t know that responsibility could possess something. And you have to keep up with a “sit” of keys? You mean a set? I know, those vowels can be tricky. Sounds like your belt is too big, yes? Well poke a hole in it to make it fit. Problem solved.
Just what is it that you have to stop or slow down? And you can only do it at certain times? Oh you mean break times, like taking a break, not like brakes on a car. Oh, well the reason that you are confused is because you are a complete tool. Yeah, if you had walking around sense you would probably be able to figure complex things like break times out. And just what is a “noone” and how would it “tooken responsibilty”?
So this duty belt that you have has something sticky on it? Well wipe it off goober. You really are retarded aren’t you?
Nightstick is on the left side and you are right handed, whew tough one. Maybe you can take the night stick out with your left hand? Or maybe you can flip the belt over and it will be on the right side! Novel idea huh! Wait a minute, who in their right mind gave you a nightstick?!
Keep loosing your keys huh, why don’t you put them in your pocket! Or maybe hold on to them or something wild like that? Maybe get one of those cool belt clip things that retract like a measuring tape? Dude, where you dropped on your head or something?
So you got writted up huh. Can’t help you there.
Why shouldn't you be able to bring your “got damn fucking dog on duty if the police can?” Well maybe because your not a police officer and because the police know the difference between God and got. “GOTS” you a German Sheppard huh, what you “GOTS” is a low IQ. Tell you what, take that nightstick and hold it tight with both hands with your arms out in front of you. Now swing it right between your eyes as hard as you can. If it hurts you are not doing it hard enough, keep tying.
This has got to be a joke right. You’re drunk or something right? There is no helping you.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Is it okay to tell a woman she's beautiful?
Dear Sweezey,
I'm walking through the store yesterday and I see this woman who is absolutely stunning. She obviously spent a lot of time and effort to look that good. I felt compelled to tell her how nice she looked but didnt wanna come off as a creepy guy.
I had no intention of asking for her phone number or anything like that, I just think that if someone looks nice you should tell them.
So what do you think ladies would do if some guy they have never met comes up and says, "you look really nice today"?
Would they take it as a compliment or mace the punk?
- Mall Guy
Dear Mall Guy,
Let me get this straight, you DON’T want to ask out a woman who you refer to as “stunning”? You are GAY! And creepy. Well, if you’re not gay, you are on the waiting list. If she was ugly would you ask her out? I don’t get it.
Do you honestly think that this woman went out in public looking “stunning” by accident? Hell no, she did it on purpose. You want to know why? To attract men. So by you not asking her out you are doing nature a severe injustice. I would even say that you are insulting her by not asking her out if you do approach her. How rude of you not to ask her out! Would you come up to random black men and tell them that they don’t look like criminals? Would you come up to random middle-easterners and tell them that they don’t look like terrorists? Would you walk up to random white dudes and tell them that they don’t look like NASCAR fans? Why would you walk up to this random lady and insult her? If she took the time to make herself “stunning” grow a set and ask her out.
If I was her and you just walked up and told me that I “look really nice” and left it at that. I would mace you, kick you in the nuts, call the cops and look for your picture on a sex offender website.
You do know that something like that is just screaming I am going to get a picture of you in my mind so that I can think about you when I have some “alone time”. Damn son, quit being pervy and think about what you are doing.
Idiots… I swear.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
I'm walking through the store yesterday and I see this woman who is absolutely stunning. She obviously spent a lot of time and effort to look that good. I felt compelled to tell her how nice she looked but didnt wanna come off as a creepy guy.
I had no intention of asking for her phone number or anything like that, I just think that if someone looks nice you should tell them.
So what do you think ladies would do if some guy they have never met comes up and says, "you look really nice today"?
Would they take it as a compliment or mace the punk?
- Mall Guy
Dear Mall Guy,
Let me get this straight, you DON’T want to ask out a woman who you refer to as “stunning”? You are GAY! And creepy. Well, if you’re not gay, you are on the waiting list. If she was ugly would you ask her out? I don’t get it.
Do you honestly think that this woman went out in public looking “stunning” by accident? Hell no, she did it on purpose. You want to know why? To attract men. So by you not asking her out you are doing nature a severe injustice. I would even say that you are insulting her by not asking her out if you do approach her. How rude of you not to ask her out! Would you come up to random black men and tell them that they don’t look like criminals? Would you come up to random middle-easterners and tell them that they don’t look like terrorists? Would you walk up to random white dudes and tell them that they don’t look like NASCAR fans? Why would you walk up to this random lady and insult her? If she took the time to make herself “stunning” grow a set and ask her out.
If I was her and you just walked up and told me that I “look really nice” and left it at that. I would mace you, kick you in the nuts, call the cops and look for your picture on a sex offender website.
You do know that something like that is just screaming I am going to get a picture of you in my mind so that I can think about you when I have some “alone time”. Damn son, quit being pervy and think about what you are doing.
Idiots… I swear.
- Sweezey
Don’t get dead
Maxim Hurricane Advice
Recently Maxim magazine had an article giving advice on how to survive a hurricane. In this article they gave you a list of supplies that one would need to pick up prior to the hurricane hitting land. Things like a camping stove, a hand-crank radio, an LED headlamp and so on. And they told you why you will need them. Then the article went on to tell you what to do when the hurricane hits landfall. Stuff like where to go and what to have with you. And it seemed like pretty good advice. They even gave advice as to what to do in the aftermath. Things like how to cook without everyone coming over to eat your food (how neighborly) and how to catch rain water and so on. Again, sounds like pretty sound advice.
I think that I might have better advice. GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN. If you know a hurricane is coming, leave! It’s not like the hurricane snuck up on you. You can see them coming for DAYS. Leave, skedaddle, go, run, take-off, haul-ass, shoo! How many different ways do you need to be told to get away from the danger?
But I guess simply telling people to get out of the path of the storm in one sentence doesn’t really sell a lot of magazines does it?
Don't get dead
I think that I might have better advice. GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN. If you know a hurricane is coming, leave! It’s not like the hurricane snuck up on you. You can see them coming for DAYS. Leave, skedaddle, go, run, take-off, haul-ass, shoo! How many different ways do you need to be told to get away from the danger?
But I guess simply telling people to get out of the path of the storm in one sentence doesn’t really sell a lot of magazines does it?
Don't get dead
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